There's steel hope. Blue steel hope.

Happy Monday. I'm busy on this shortened week, so I'm not going to waste much time with platitudes or nonsense and gibberish. Also, nobody did anything interesting in the entertainment world this weekend other than give "Mad Men" more Emmys to justify its infuriating existence. I went right ahead and moved my displeasure with the show from "I don't like it" to "unreasonable hatred" during the course of the ceremony. I did think Fallon was funny, but the blind obedience to has-been stars and mediocre cable programming is just insane. If you really believe Kyra Sedgwick deserved that Emmy, I may tape your eyelids open and show you 50 straight hours of Connie Briton in "Friday Night Lights." It's not even close. So, to recap, Emmys made me mad, and I'm busy, so let's talk about Zoolander 2.

Zoolander was funny.


But just like Anchorman 2, a sequel is having a rather hard time finding traction. The problem is, of course, nobody is sure that it will actually make money. The other problem is that Ben Stiller decided to retire from comedy years ago, around the time of Meet the Fokkers. Supposedly, Justin Theroux is still penning a sequel featuring Jonah Hill as the bad guy, but the studio wants it to cost $40 million, which it probably could do just fine if all actors agreed to only make millions for having fun with their friends instead of millions of millions. Honestly, do you feel a pay cut from 10 million to 5 million? You just made 5 million dollars. I mean, unless you're sleeping every night inside a genetically created tauntaun you designed in a lab that costs about $200,000 per pop, you should be good. I hope this happens because it was honestly the last time I thought, "oh, that Ben Stiller, he's so funny." Now I mostly think, "Bad, Ben Stiller. Bad!"

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Ryan's Junk Drawer

Welcome one and all to that glorious time of the week during which I show the world my junk! And by my junk, I mean movie tidbits that I didn't turn into full blog posts and not my genitals because that would be (A) gross and (B) illegal. As is our special weekly tradition, let's take a second to make up a completely fabricated and creepy story about an item from the drawing of a junk drawer above that came from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN (I emphasize the children part because, seriously, look at that picture...you know that hand is attached to a body that's up to no good). Today's item is the fuzzy thread in the middle of the drawer. After years of inventing, Sammy finally completed the necessary logarithms and equations and EUREKA! Monkey dynamite. The hardest thing about the monkey dynamite is getting the fuse lit, what with all the fuzzy hair on it. But once you get it lit, the explosion that results is just bananas.

Okay, moving quickly on to this week's news nuggets!

1.) Two for the Zoo? - People I really like on the interwebs (like Slashfilm, Latinoreview, Chud, Darkhorizons) pretty much universally hate Nikki Finke. I can see why. She ignores other people's scoops and treats them like she was the one who first found them and seems, by all accounts and stories, to be kind of a douchenozzle. What sucks is, she keeps getting the scoops, because apparently people in Hollywood LOVE douchenozzles. This should come as great relief to a number of people I know, who should move to Hollywood ASAP. Anyway, Finke, Finke Douchenozzle, as she shall now be called, has learned that Iron Man 2 and Tropic Thunder screenwriter Justin Theroux is working with Ben Stiller on a script for Zoolander 2. This is good, because Zoolander is actually pretty damn funny. I know some people don't "get it," but any time male models are killed in a "tragic gasoline fight" and someone corrects Jon Voight by saying "MerMAN, dad, MerMAN," it's funny. Plus, Theroux wrote the line "never go full retard," which means he should be rich forever in my eyes, as it may be the funniest four word combination in recent history. Jonah Hill is supposedly in talks to play the bad guy, which actually is kind of just okay for me. I'm kind of growing tired of Hill and I hope he's ready to broaden (not literally, dude needs to lose some LBs pretty fast yo, he's beyond unhealthy) his horizons past his usual schtick. We don't need another Jack Black on our hands. At any rate, Zoolander grew on me, so I hope this one is equally as stupidly awesome. Bonus points if they get Billy Zane back.

2.) Gaga for Goyer? - Latino Review hates Finke Finke Douchenozzle more than everyone else to the point where they spent the whole day yesterday in full-on spaz mode on twitter patting themselves on the back for getting a pretty bad ass scoop yesterday that Finke didn't get. I'm proud of them, sure, but like 27 tweets from various LR folks giving Finke Finke Douchenozzle the finger got a little laborious. Then again, I say that as a person who hasn't scooped anything but ice cream and Raisin Bran. Anyhoodle, their scoop was that David Goyer will write Superman: Man of Steel, the new Superman project overseen by Christopher Nolan. Supposedly, the script involves Lex Luthor and Braniac, introduces a boatload of Kryptonian mythology, and is generally exciting. Well, kind of. See, I don't really like David Goyer that much. I think his writing is really, really spotty. Don't believe me? Sure, he wrote THE STORY for The Dark Knight (which can be boiled down to the Joker does some shit), but he also wrote the following: Kickboxer 2, The Crow: City of Angels, the Nick Fury TV movie, Blade Trinity, and Jumper. If you want to get technical, I loved Dark City (which he wrote the entire screenplay for and was incredible) and liked (not loved) his Batman Begins and Dark Knight scripts. That's it. Other than that, he's a crapmaster. Not okay, not so-so, but a CRAP master. I'm just saying, the fact that he was involved with good Batman movies doesn't mean he may save Superman. There's a chance we could get dialogue like this:
3.) Will Cap put the Red Skull's gun in jello? - Among the news that's had comic fans more apoplectic than the GOP after they found out Democrats may do something that helps people, THR reported earlier this week that Marvel is narrowing the list of potential Captain Americas. Also, Marvel is a bunch of effin' cheapskates. The article said basically that they're offering $300,000 to an unknown to be the lead in a movie that will likely make $75 million or more opening weekend. Suck on that. Also, the actor has to sign a NINE picture deal. What's next, does Marvel demand a "prima nocturne" rule and get to have its execs bang the wife of the new Captain America? Seriously, guys, get a good actor not the cheapest. The list now includes that Scott Porter (Friday Night Lights), Mike Vogel (Cloverfield), Michael Cassidy (Smallville), and Patrick Flueger ( The 4400), none of whom I could identify for all the blow at New York's fashion week. I can identify this guy though:
Yeah, that's right, John Krasinski is on the short list for Captain America. I have to say this, I don't mind it. Yeah, it SEEMS ridiculous because he's Jim from "The Office," right? But (A) I believe him to be a talented actor (yes, really). I also believe he'd get YOKED for the role because he knows it would be necessary. I also think he's going to be better than the no-names I listed above. Seriously, I don't WANT Krasinski in the role, but of that short list I mentioned above, who would you rather have? A guy like Krasinski or somebody from "Smallville?" Really.

4.) When, God? When will Matt Damon get his acting Oscar? - This won't stop until we give him an Oscar. Sure, we may get the occasional Green Zone or Bourne, but we're mostly going to get Invictus and shit until Matt Damon is given the golden statue. What do I mean? Nikki Nikki Douchenozzle is reporting that Damon will play Bobby Kennedy. What other reason is there to play a dead politician than hoisting an Oscar? Seriously. For the record, this movie could be good. Also, I think Damon DESERVES an Oscar. We live in a world where Adrian Brody has one and Matt Damon doesn't. Also, there's this:




5.) Trailers, Parked - A few goodies this week, with two of the three being new versions of trailers for movies we've seen glimpses of already. First up is the new Nightmare On Elm Street trailer, which looks as fun as the other stuff we've seen. I know it's a remake, but Jackie Earle Haley kind of rules and I like Freddy Kreuger. It's not run-of-the-mill horror, so I like playing around in this world, even if that sounds vaguely dirty. I'm not saying I'm there opening night, but I will be there.



Waking Sleeping Beauty is a great look at the birth of the era of Disney that made my childhood. From 1984-1994, Disney animation was simply fantastic. This largely home-video-style documentary will make me long for the days when not everything was CGI and Shrek 4 seemed impossible.



Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps may be a train wreck. It also may totally rule. I GET why there can be a sequel to this movie now. I GET why there are new things that can be said about how we've evolved financially and culturally since the 1980s. I like Shia LeBeouf, I like Oliver Stone, and I love Josh Brolin. I have no idea if all of this can come together in a quality film but this trailer actually gave me more hope than the weird-ass first one. See what you think.



Okay, that's my junk for this week! See you tomorrow to close out this big ole week in style, bitches.

This mission just got a hell of a lot more impossibler

There was a time my friends, not so long ago, when Ben Stiller was funny and Tom Cruise was likable. I know, I know, it seems impossible...but it wasn't just impossible...it was a whole lot more impossibler.

Okay, if you skipped that video above because you've seen it before or because it was 6 minutes long, just go to minute mark 2:00 and stay through 3:00. It's worth it. See? Funny, right? Oh to be back in a time before Cruise's "Dawson's Creek" pedophilia and Stiller's Night at the Museum with the Fokkers.

Anyhoodle, I'm taking this walk down impossible mission lane because there has been a major MI4 development, namely everybody and their mother is reporting that Tom Cruise is returning in Mission Impossible 4. Good. Yeah, you heard me. Good. I LOVED Mission Impossible 3. In fact, I'm seriously contemplating buying it on Blu-Ray because I find it so insanely watchable. Now, nobody knows if JJ Abrams will return to direct (he won't), but I hope he helps pen the story. He got how lithe and simple it could be and still be vastly entertaining. What I liked about MI3, beyond the awesome action set pieces and wickedly great pacing, was that the story wasn't about a device that would destroy the world or a terrorist attack that would kill billions. We never knew what the device was the bad guy was after, we just knew (A) he was bad and (B) it was bad for him to have it. What they focused on was that this particular mission was insanely important TO THE CHARACTERS. The stakes were high for the people involved, and that's what matters. If you bring Simon Pegg back and expand his role, make it so that Ethan doesn't have to "go off the grid" and cross his organization like in every Bond movie or spy film ever, and cast a great bad guy (I'm thinking Ryan Gosling), you could make another awesome installment. People just don't appreciate how good Abrams did with that last movie, so I'm going to have to defend it until the day I die. You hear me, world? UNTIL THE DAY I DIE!!!