Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Weekend Box Office Results: V-Day Apocalypse!!

Wow. Wowzie, wow, wow, wow. I can hardly believe how insanely huge Valentine's Day was. Suddenly, the studio suits who decided to go ahead and greenlight a sequel, New Year's Day, don't look so stupid. Maybe this time out they'll pay Cameron Diaz $3 million for 6 minutes instead of Julia Roberts. FYI: If those 6 minutes consist of a large man poised inches from Diaz's face yelling "YOU'RE BAD AT THIS! YOU ARE SOOO BAD AT THIS!!!" followed by pieing her in the face repeatedly, I'll single-handedly account for 50% of the box office. In related news, Wolfman had a great open, all things considered, and Percy Jackson and the Wet Noodle or whatever the hell it's called isn't quite Harry Potter but it isn't exactly The Golden Compass either. Enough preamble, dammit. Preamble is for pussies!

Let's recap this beyotch (haiku style):

1.) Valentine's Day - $56 million (Accuracy of prediction - 79%)

Wait...what in the what?
How the hell did THIS do THAT?
Boyfriends are suckers.

2.) The Wolfman - $31.75 million (Accuracy of prediction - 92.5%)

This ain't too shabby,
given the backstage messes.
Del Toro rules y'all.

3.) Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief - $31.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 84%)

What could this have done
if it didn't take so long
to read the title.

4.) Avatar - $23.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

Another strong week.
This will never go away.
I will die with it.

5.) Dear John - $16 million (Accuracy of prediction - 93.75%)

Overachiever.
The first time that word is used
with Nicholas Sparks.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 88%

I straight-up killed it!
I don't need no Avatar!
I can still do it!!

Okay, that's the movie results. I'll be back with 3 more posts today: One wrapping up the news I missed over the 3-day weekend, one that's a review of the Oscar shorts, and one that's a look ahead at "Lost." Be excited, y'all.

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