Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

With only one major release, this week shouldn't be too much of a challenge. Then again, everything seems extra difficult this week for no good reason. It's weird that Martin Scorsese has changed from respected artistic director to major box office draw. The Departed sort of killed it at the box office, and although this only features Leo and not Matt Damon as well, it also looks more like a blockbuster. I only want good things for Marty, so I hope he enjoys this week. On the other hand, after reading tons of interviews this week with James Cameron, who is somehow looking and sounding douchier than ever, I hope I only have to write about Avatar for another 2 weeks (until Alice in Wonderland knocks it out). I'm going to try to get douche in the haiku this week. Just FYI.

Here's how I see the box office, haiku style:

1.) Shutter Island - $35 million

I heart you, Marty!
Enjoy another triumph.
Make more movies soon.

2.) Valentine's Day - $24 million

This should get one day
and then be forcibly pulled.
The title says so.

3.) Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief - $17 million

There may be sequels
but Harry Potter this ain't.
Not that I'm surprised.

4.) Avatar - $16 million

Enough is enough.
This movie has to go now.
Cameron is a douche.

5.) The Wolfman - $12 million

Oh, the film has hair,
But in terms of box office,
it doesn't have legs.

WILDCARD - Dear John - $7.5 million

By now I would guess
everyone who wanted to
already saw this.

Okay, that's it gang. Have a wonderful, safe weekend.

Weekend Box Office Results: V-Day Apocalypse!!

Wow. Wowzie, wow, wow, wow. I can hardly believe how insanely huge Valentine's Day was. Suddenly, the studio suits who decided to go ahead and greenlight a sequel, New Year's Day, don't look so stupid. Maybe this time out they'll pay Cameron Diaz $3 million for 6 minutes instead of Julia Roberts. FYI: If those 6 minutes consist of a large man poised inches from Diaz's face yelling "YOU'RE BAD AT THIS! YOU ARE SOOO BAD AT THIS!!!" followed by pieing her in the face repeatedly, I'll single-handedly account for 50% of the box office. In related news, Wolfman had a great open, all things considered, and Percy Jackson and the Wet Noodle or whatever the hell it's called isn't quite Harry Potter but it isn't exactly The Golden Compass either. Enough preamble, dammit. Preamble is for pussies!

Let's recap this beyotch (haiku style):

1.) Valentine's Day - $56 million (Accuracy of prediction - 79%)

Wait...what in the what?
How the hell did THIS do THAT?
Boyfriends are suckers.

2.) The Wolfman - $31.75 million (Accuracy of prediction - 92.5%)

This ain't too shabby,
given the backstage messes.
Del Toro rules y'all.

3.) Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief - $31.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 84%)

What could this have done
if it didn't take so long
to read the title.

4.) Avatar - $23.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

Another strong week.
This will never go away.
I will die with it.

5.) Dear John - $16 million (Accuracy of prediction - 93.75%)

Overachiever.
The first time that word is used
with Nicholas Sparks.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 88%

I straight-up killed it!
I don't need no Avatar!
I can still do it!!

Okay, that's the movie results. I'll be back with 3 more posts today: One wrapping up the news I missed over the 3-day weekend, one that's a review of the Oscar shorts, and one that's a look ahead at "Lost." Be excited, y'all.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

We're back to a world in which the first place film isn't always Avatar, which is both good news and bad. Good news because I was damn near out of Avatar haikus. Bad news because I had a pretty damn good run while Avatar was on top in terms of my predictions, because that movie made it easy. I averaged an 82% accuracy for the reign of Ava-terror. Not too shabby, a B is good for me!! So, will my luck terminate now that I've moved on from the blue peoples? Will it sink into the mediocre abyss from which I was previously mired? Will good grades be aliens to me? Will my predictions be accurate or truly lies? Only times and puns will tell, people.

Here's my predictions, haiku style:

1.) Valentine's Day - $33 million

Love is in the air!
Wait a minute, that's not love!
Unless love smells bad.

2.) The Wolfman - $27 million

Suck on that, vampires!
A wolf now has the lead role.
Are you gonna cry?

3.) Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief - $21 million

Hey, pick a title.
You have about 3 in there.
Bad choices, people.

4.) Avatar - $19 million

Jim, don't feel too bad.
This made way too much money.
It's time to move on.

5.) Dear John - $18 million

Why did you see this?
And what's a Channing Tatum?
I must be too old.

Okay, no wildcard this week, I feel too good about these top 5 being clearly the top 5. Plus, my haiku maker is tired.

Box Office Results: Avatar loses!!! To Dear John? WTF?

I didn't see this coming. As elated as I am that the beast has fallen (for now), I am a bit shocked that it was to a generic titled, generic sounding, by-all-accounts pretty awful teenage romance movie. Weird. Still, it's nice to see some change at the top. Does this mean I have to know who Channing Tatum is now? I know he has two last names and no first name? Does this mean Amanda Seyfried has room to negotiate her contract on Mama Mia 2? What will happen?! I'm frightened! HOW WILL JAMES CAMERON TAKE THIS?!!! AHHHHH!!!

Here's the results, haiku style:

1.) Dear John - $32 million (Accuracy of prediction - 67%)

I did not see this.
The first place OR the movie.
A total shocker.

2.) Avatar - $24 million (Accuracy of prediction - 84%)

Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.
You lost to Nicholas Sparks.
You suck, Jimmy C.

3.) From Paris with Love - $8 million (Accuracy of prediction - 65%)

Poor bald Travolta.
Nobody Loved your movie
They didn't like it.

4.) Edge of Darkness - $7 million (Accuracy of prediction - 94%)

Bye bye Mel Gibson.
When next we see "sugar tits,"
he'll have a puppet.

5.) The Tooth Fairy - $6.5 million (Accuracy of prediction -100%)

This just hangs around.
Like a bad tooth infection.
Go to hell, The Rock.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 82%

Avatar's rule ends.
Giving way to romance films.
But...am I happy?

That's it for Monday. Get to work.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Gee, I wonder what will win this week? It's like Hollywood isn't even trying, which is par for the course actually. Now that Avatar has all the records it can get, I wonder if we'll finally tire of hearing about its box office rampage. I know I'm tired of it, but I'm a cynical bastard. The new movies this week are feeble and stupid. They will not mount a challenge. Enough pussyfooting around, let's just get this over with.

Here's how I see the weekend box office, haiku style:

1.) Avatar - $27 million

It sunk Titanic
It now holds the global crown.
Can it PLEASE stop now?

2.) Dear John - $17 million

Dear Nicholas Sparks,
why are you still relevant?
Your ideas suck.

3.) From Paris with Love - $15 million

Just ridiculous.
That's how John Travolta looks.
Bald AND a goatee?!

4.) Edge of Darkness - $8 million

This one is a dud.
Not a good comeback for Mel.
Karma is a bitch.

5.) When in Rome - $7 million

Very generic
and very forgettable.
We'll purge this one soon.

WILDCARD - The Tooth Fairy - $6.5 million

The Rock sold his pride
and the movie was a flop.
What a tragic tale.

Okay, that's it gang. It's nasty outside, so be careful.