Weekend Box Office Results: How low can Cop Out go after this?

Kevin Smith is happy. His Cop Out opening was the biggest of his career. It will almost certainly be his highest grossing film and should enjoy a relatively nice shelf life on DVD. Because I think I still like him as a person, that's nice. Because he's just been rewarded for taking the final face doo-doo on his career, it makes me sad. Because numbers also make me sad (words rule! numbers suck!), we may as well dive into the box office numbers at this point.

Here's how things went (haiku style):

1.) Shutter Island - $22 million (Accuracy of prediction - 98%)

A new career best?
This could be big for Marty!
Well, it's about time!

2.) Cop Out - $18.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90.5%)

Enjoy the win, Kev.
But please use this to move UP.
This is depressing.

3.) The Crazies - $16.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 92%)

Like I said: Sleeper.
I think this does more money.
Could hang for awhile.

4.) Avatar - $14 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

This is my life now.
Making Avatar haikus.
Somebody kill me.

5.) Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief (Accuracy of prediction - 95%)

Can you steal lightning?
Wouldn't that hurt, like, a lot?
I need to move on.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 93%

Oh my FLIPPIN gosh!
I absolutely killed it!
Here comes a great week!!!!

Okay guys, get out there and make Monday your bitch!

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Well, another week is about to go in the books. It's been a fast one...but a tough one. Speaking of tough, watching the career devolution of the once beloved Kevin Smith is tougher than watching Cinemax with your parents. It's just embarrassing. I didn't need him to grow entirely out of poop jokes, but I needed him to seize what made him great early on. Turns out, he's just not that good and that makes me blue. What's funny (not his movie) is that Cop Out will likely be his biggest movie ever. Sure, it's going to only make like $40-50 million, but that will be enough to be his most sizable film. Between the fight with Southwest Airlines over getting kicked off for reasons that may or may not have had anything to do with his size and his constant defense of not progressing as a director, I think I'm saddened almost as much by Kevin Smith the person as Kevin Smith the public figure. I like him as a person, he's just settling. That's sad. Anyway, I think The Crazies is going to be more popular than people think, but it will be a grower not a bullet. Oh, and Avatar is going to pass $700 million. Yay for excess and greed. Geez, I gotta get going before I get too grumpy to write haikus.

Here's how I see the weekend, haiku style:

1.) Shutter Island - $21 million

Don't look now, Marty.
You're now a mainstream badass.
It took 3 decades.

2.) Cop Out - $15 million

Bye bye, Kevin Smith.
I'm sure you'll direct again.
I just will not care.

3.) The Crazies - $14 million

This is a sleeper
The critics seem to love it.
Let's see if it hits.

4.) The Avatar - $11 million

Slip on down further
I can't do this anymore.
Please. Please make it stop.

5.) Valentine's Day - $9 million

Did ladies love this?
They have no other choices.
It's not fair for them.

WILDCARD - Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief - $8.5 million

Is it big enough?
Is a sequel possible?
Who knows...and who cares?

Okay, that's it for this week! Be safe, be well, and see you Monday!

Weekend Box Office Wrap Up: Don't F**k with Marty Scorsese

You can move his movie around on the schedule. You can mock him for pairing up AGAIN with Leondardo DiCaprio, his floppy-haired, 12-year-old-boy looking muse. You can wonder why the hell he's doing a run-of-the-mill thriller and not something more Oscar-worthy. But you cannot stop Martin Scorsese from dominating the box office, overpowering critics, and generally kicking mucho ass. His eyebrows alone give him the power to dismiss naysayers. He is a cinematic ninja, and he just KI-YAed the box office. All hail Scorsese. All hail him NOW.

Here's how the weekend went, haiku style:

1.) Shutter Island - $40 million (Accuracy of prediction - 94%)

His mojo is strong.
His eyebrows are stronger still.
Scorsese is GOD.

2.) Valentine's Day - $17 million (Accuracy of prediction - 79.5%)

What a HUGE drop off!
Nearly 70%!
Justice is now served.

3.) Avatar - $16 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

How is this at 3?
It should be going down now!
Go the OTHER way!!!

4.) Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief - $15 million (Accuracy of prediction - 83.5%)

It's a tweener flick.
Not a home run or a flop.
Will sequels happen?

5.) The Wolfman - $10 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

Avatar won't leave
But this barely stays a week.
There is no justice.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 84%

Another "B" week.
Is that good enough for me?
Is it good for you?

Alright, that's it. Go be productive on this Monday.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

With only one major release, this week shouldn't be too much of a challenge. Then again, everything seems extra difficult this week for no good reason. It's weird that Martin Scorsese has changed from respected artistic director to major box office draw. The Departed sort of killed it at the box office, and although this only features Leo and not Matt Damon as well, it also looks more like a blockbuster. I only want good things for Marty, so I hope he enjoys this week. On the other hand, after reading tons of interviews this week with James Cameron, who is somehow looking and sounding douchier than ever, I hope I only have to write about Avatar for another 2 weeks (until Alice in Wonderland knocks it out). I'm going to try to get douche in the haiku this week. Just FYI.

Here's how I see the box office, haiku style:

1.) Shutter Island - $35 million

I heart you, Marty!
Enjoy another triumph.
Make more movies soon.

2.) Valentine's Day - $24 million

This should get one day
and then be forcibly pulled.
The title says so.

3.) Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief - $17 million

There may be sequels
but Harry Potter this ain't.
Not that I'm surprised.

4.) Avatar - $16 million

Enough is enough.
This movie has to go now.
Cameron is a douche.

5.) The Wolfman - $12 million

Oh, the film has hair,
But in terms of box office,
it doesn't have legs.

WILDCARD - Dear John - $7.5 million

By now I would guess
everyone who wanted to
already saw this.

Okay, that's it gang. Have a wonderful, safe weekend.

Weekend Box Office Results: V-Day Apocalypse!!

Wow. Wowzie, wow, wow, wow. I can hardly believe how insanely huge Valentine's Day was. Suddenly, the studio suits who decided to go ahead and greenlight a sequel, New Year's Day, don't look so stupid. Maybe this time out they'll pay Cameron Diaz $3 million for 6 minutes instead of Julia Roberts. FYI: If those 6 minutes consist of a large man poised inches from Diaz's face yelling "YOU'RE BAD AT THIS! YOU ARE SOOO BAD AT THIS!!!" followed by pieing her in the face repeatedly, I'll single-handedly account for 50% of the box office. In related news, Wolfman had a great open, all things considered, and Percy Jackson and the Wet Noodle or whatever the hell it's called isn't quite Harry Potter but it isn't exactly The Golden Compass either. Enough preamble, dammit. Preamble is for pussies!

Let's recap this beyotch (haiku style):

1.) Valentine's Day - $56 million (Accuracy of prediction - 79%)

Wait...what in the what?
How the hell did THIS do THAT?
Boyfriends are suckers.

2.) The Wolfman - $31.75 million (Accuracy of prediction - 92.5%)

This ain't too shabby,
given the backstage messes.
Del Toro rules y'all.

3.) Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief - $31.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 84%)

What could this have done
if it didn't take so long
to read the title.

4.) Avatar - $23.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

Another strong week.
This will never go away.
I will die with it.

5.) Dear John - $16 million (Accuracy of prediction - 93.75%)

Overachiever.
The first time that word is used
with Nicholas Sparks.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 88%

I straight-up killed it!
I don't need no Avatar!
I can still do it!!

Okay, that's the movie results. I'll be back with 3 more posts today: One wrapping up the news I missed over the 3-day weekend, one that's a review of the Oscar shorts, and one that's a look ahead at "Lost." Be excited, y'all.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

We're back to a world in which the first place film isn't always Avatar, which is both good news and bad. Good news because I was damn near out of Avatar haikus. Bad news because I had a pretty damn good run while Avatar was on top in terms of my predictions, because that movie made it easy. I averaged an 82% accuracy for the reign of Ava-terror. Not too shabby, a B is good for me!! So, will my luck terminate now that I've moved on from the blue peoples? Will it sink into the mediocre abyss from which I was previously mired? Will good grades be aliens to me? Will my predictions be accurate or truly lies? Only times and puns will tell, people.

Here's my predictions, haiku style:

1.) Valentine's Day - $33 million

Love is in the air!
Wait a minute, that's not love!
Unless love smells bad.

2.) The Wolfman - $27 million

Suck on that, vampires!
A wolf now has the lead role.
Are you gonna cry?

3.) Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief - $21 million

Hey, pick a title.
You have about 3 in there.
Bad choices, people.

4.) Avatar - $19 million

Jim, don't feel too bad.
This made way too much money.
It's time to move on.

5.) Dear John - $18 million

Why did you see this?
And what's a Channing Tatum?
I must be too old.

Okay, no wildcard this week, I feel too good about these top 5 being clearly the top 5. Plus, my haiku maker is tired.