How slow is the news this week?

It must be hot as hell everywhere, which is the only explanation I can come up with for why the whole world seems to be moving at a pace just beneath "dead snail." I can't even bring myself to go outside and actually mow the lawn, for fear of combustion. So if you're going to visit me, I recommend a machete and some tick repellent. Anyway, I'm guessing that this is what is slowing all news down to the point where I'm reporting something God awful like this to y'all.
That's Taylor Swift. She seems like a very nice, very cute, very tall girl who makes things happen with her face and mouth I don't want anywhere near me. She's apparently considering reteaming with Taylor Lautner (not pictured in the interest of me not wanting to turn this entire thing into a ridiculous teenage skin site and that dude has like no pictures with clothes on) in New Year's Eve, which is going to be a sequel of sorts to Valentine's Day, which should never have existed. This is how slow things are this week. I've just reported on "The Taylors." And if you think I'm kidding, know that I considered doing a story on them changing the release dates of two movies that come out in 2012. That was my other option...and I liked that idea better. Oh, to balance things out, here's a much cooler rumor: Everyone is saying that they're FINALLY bringing the Spider-man musical to Broadway this December. This means that I am going to need to start planning a trip to NYC over Christmas. I figure since the only way anyone created a musical about Spider-man set to the music of Bono and the Edge was if they raided my dreams anyway, I figure I'll get some kind of comp tickets or they'll just perform it for me in my bedroom. Oh, and if Taylor Swift ever plays Mary Jane in the Broadway revival of that musical, I'm going to shoot myself. Again, nice girl, baaaaad things come out of her face.

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Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Well, another week is about to go in the books. It's been a fast one...but a tough one. Speaking of tough, watching the career devolution of the once beloved Kevin Smith is tougher than watching Cinemax with your parents. It's just embarrassing. I didn't need him to grow entirely out of poop jokes, but I needed him to seize what made him great early on. Turns out, he's just not that good and that makes me blue. What's funny (not his movie) is that Cop Out will likely be his biggest movie ever. Sure, it's going to only make like $40-50 million, but that will be enough to be his most sizable film. Between the fight with Southwest Airlines over getting kicked off for reasons that may or may not have had anything to do with his size and his constant defense of not progressing as a director, I think I'm saddened almost as much by Kevin Smith the person as Kevin Smith the public figure. I like him as a person, he's just settling. That's sad. Anyway, I think The Crazies is going to be more popular than people think, but it will be a grower not a bullet. Oh, and Avatar is going to pass $700 million. Yay for excess and greed. Geez, I gotta get going before I get too grumpy to write haikus.

Here's how I see the weekend, haiku style:

1.) Shutter Island - $21 million

Don't look now, Marty.
You're now a mainstream badass.
It took 3 decades.

2.) Cop Out - $15 million

Bye bye, Kevin Smith.
I'm sure you'll direct again.
I just will not care.

3.) The Crazies - $14 million

This is a sleeper
The critics seem to love it.
Let's see if it hits.

4.) The Avatar - $11 million

Slip on down further
I can't do this anymore.
Please. Please make it stop.

5.) Valentine's Day - $9 million

Did ladies love this?
They have no other choices.
It's not fair for them.

WILDCARD - Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief - $8.5 million

Is it big enough?
Is a sequel possible?
Who knows...and who cares?

Okay, that's it for this week! Be safe, be well, and see you Monday!

Weekend Box Office Wrap Up: Don't F**k with Marty Scorsese

You can move his movie around on the schedule. You can mock him for pairing up AGAIN with Leondardo DiCaprio, his floppy-haired, 12-year-old-boy looking muse. You can wonder why the hell he's doing a run-of-the-mill thriller and not something more Oscar-worthy. But you cannot stop Martin Scorsese from dominating the box office, overpowering critics, and generally kicking mucho ass. His eyebrows alone give him the power to dismiss naysayers. He is a cinematic ninja, and he just KI-YAed the box office. All hail Scorsese. All hail him NOW.

Here's how the weekend went, haiku style:

1.) Shutter Island - $40 million (Accuracy of prediction - 94%)

His mojo is strong.
His eyebrows are stronger still.
Scorsese is GOD.

2.) Valentine's Day - $17 million (Accuracy of prediction - 79.5%)

What a HUGE drop off!
Nearly 70%!
Justice is now served.

3.) Avatar - $16 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

How is this at 3?
It should be going down now!
Go the OTHER way!!!

4.) Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief - $15 million (Accuracy of prediction - 83.5%)

It's a tweener flick.
Not a home run or a flop.
Will sequels happen?

5.) The Wolfman - $10 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

Avatar won't leave
But this barely stays a week.
There is no justice.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 84%

Another "B" week.
Is that good enough for me?
Is it good for you?

Alright, that's it. Go be productive on this Monday.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

With only one major release, this week shouldn't be too much of a challenge. Then again, everything seems extra difficult this week for no good reason. It's weird that Martin Scorsese has changed from respected artistic director to major box office draw. The Departed sort of killed it at the box office, and although this only features Leo and not Matt Damon as well, it also looks more like a blockbuster. I only want good things for Marty, so I hope he enjoys this week. On the other hand, after reading tons of interviews this week with James Cameron, who is somehow looking and sounding douchier than ever, I hope I only have to write about Avatar for another 2 weeks (until Alice in Wonderland knocks it out). I'm going to try to get douche in the haiku this week. Just FYI.

Here's how I see the box office, haiku style:

1.) Shutter Island - $35 million

I heart you, Marty!
Enjoy another triumph.
Make more movies soon.

2.) Valentine's Day - $24 million

This should get one day
and then be forcibly pulled.
The title says so.

3.) Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief - $17 million

There may be sequels
but Harry Potter this ain't.
Not that I'm surprised.

4.) Avatar - $16 million

Enough is enough.
This movie has to go now.
Cameron is a douche.

5.) The Wolfman - $12 million

Oh, the film has hair,
But in terms of box office,
it doesn't have legs.

WILDCARD - Dear John - $7.5 million

By now I would guess
everyone who wanted to
already saw this.

Okay, that's it gang. Have a wonderful, safe weekend.

Weekend Box Office Results: V-Day Apocalypse!!

Wow. Wowzie, wow, wow, wow. I can hardly believe how insanely huge Valentine's Day was. Suddenly, the studio suits who decided to go ahead and greenlight a sequel, New Year's Day, don't look so stupid. Maybe this time out they'll pay Cameron Diaz $3 million for 6 minutes instead of Julia Roberts. FYI: If those 6 minutes consist of a large man poised inches from Diaz's face yelling "YOU'RE BAD AT THIS! YOU ARE SOOO BAD AT THIS!!!" followed by pieing her in the face repeatedly, I'll single-handedly account for 50% of the box office. In related news, Wolfman had a great open, all things considered, and Percy Jackson and the Wet Noodle or whatever the hell it's called isn't quite Harry Potter but it isn't exactly The Golden Compass either. Enough preamble, dammit. Preamble is for pussies!

Let's recap this beyotch (haiku style):

1.) Valentine's Day - $56 million (Accuracy of prediction - 79%)

Wait...what in the what?
How the hell did THIS do THAT?
Boyfriends are suckers.

2.) The Wolfman - $31.75 million (Accuracy of prediction - 92.5%)

This ain't too shabby,
given the backstage messes.
Del Toro rules y'all.

3.) Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief - $31.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 84%)

What could this have done
if it didn't take so long
to read the title.

4.) Avatar - $23.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

Another strong week.
This will never go away.
I will die with it.

5.) Dear John - $16 million (Accuracy of prediction - 93.75%)

Overachiever.
The first time that word is used
with Nicholas Sparks.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 88%

I straight-up killed it!
I don't need no Avatar!
I can still do it!!

Okay, that's the movie results. I'll be back with 3 more posts today: One wrapping up the news I missed over the 3-day weekend, one that's a review of the Oscar shorts, and one that's a look ahead at "Lost." Be excited, y'all.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

We're back to a world in which the first place film isn't always Avatar, which is both good news and bad. Good news because I was damn near out of Avatar haikus. Bad news because I had a pretty damn good run while Avatar was on top in terms of my predictions, because that movie made it easy. I averaged an 82% accuracy for the reign of Ava-terror. Not too shabby, a B is good for me!! So, will my luck terminate now that I've moved on from the blue peoples? Will it sink into the mediocre abyss from which I was previously mired? Will good grades be aliens to me? Will my predictions be accurate or truly lies? Only times and puns will tell, people.

Here's my predictions, haiku style:

1.) Valentine's Day - $33 million

Love is in the air!
Wait a minute, that's not love!
Unless love smells bad.

2.) The Wolfman - $27 million

Suck on that, vampires!
A wolf now has the lead role.
Are you gonna cry?

3.) Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief - $21 million

Hey, pick a title.
You have about 3 in there.
Bad choices, people.

4.) Avatar - $19 million

Jim, don't feel too bad.
This made way too much money.
It's time to move on.

5.) Dear John - $18 million

Why did you see this?
And what's a Channing Tatum?
I must be too old.

Okay, no wildcard this week, I feel too good about these top 5 being clearly the top 5. Plus, my haiku maker is tired.

Movie Review: New York, I Love You

First off, Valentine's Day (the movie, not the actual pointless day) is getting a sequel called New Year's Eve, presumably to be released at or near New Year's Eve. Sure, it hasn't even been released yet and probably sucks enough to peel faces off of normal humans, but it's got everyone who ever starred in or watched a romantic comedy. It's really just proof that the new trend in rom coms is to anthologize them. Surprisingly, even though no one has nailed this strategy except Love Actually, I'm a fan of this idea. See, most rom coms have about a two sentence plot and all the depth of a dixie cup. Really, if you think about it, these stupid movies have about 10 minutes of actual movie and 80 minutes of filler involving chubby best friends (male and female), wacky shenanigans and misunderstandings, and a bullshit montage. Why not just use the 10 minutes that are somewhat passable and hobble together an anthology movie? I don't mind this at all. It's like instead of having to see 10 of these movies a year, you see one and your quota is filled. It's a good idea. This brings me to my review of New York, I Love You, a movie that tried to do this (kind of) and sort of failed. To be fair, it insisted upon itself as an intelligent ROMANCE film, not a romantic comedy anthology...but then it went and let Hayden Christensen star in it, so there goes any quality. Enough preamble, here's the review.

DVD Discovery
Urban Jumble
New York, I Love You…but only a little

Some of the 11 interwoven short films that comprise New York, I Love You are fascinating in their subtle, nuanced romanticism. The rest of them can go straight to hell.

Like a box of chocolates in which half are caramel filled and half are stuffed with sewage, this successor to the 2006 anthology flick Paris, Je T’aime isn’t so much a postcard of the sleepless city as it is a delicious big apple with plenty of rotten spots. The film’s concept is its own undoing, as the loosey-goosey structure that allows shockingly disparate perspectives on “love in New York” prevents any cohesive experience. Instead, the viewer is force fed an all-you-can-eat buffet without the benefit of choosing their portions.

Although the assignment was “love in New York,” some creators must have heard “just do whatever.” For example, Jiang Wen directed Hayden Christensen, Andy Garcia and Rachel Bilson to have a pointless conversation in a bar, while Allen Hughes directed Bradley Cooper and Drea de Matteo to act like they wanted to hump each other, even though they’re strangers, before humping each other, even though they’re strangers.

Although boring, at least those two tales weren’t as inscrutable as director Yvan Attal’s segment, which featured Maggie Q as a call girl, Ethan Hawke as a writer who tries to seduce her with sexy talk, and Chris Cooper and Robin Wright Penn as a married couple with mental defects, or director Fatih Akin’s nonsensical story of a painter (Uğur Yücel) who dies before painting his subject (Shu Qi). And let’s not even mention Randy Balsmeyer’s “transition segments,” for fear of further encouraging him.

Thankfully, some folks actually tried. Director Mira Nair’s sweet short features the daydream of cross-cultural love between Natalie Portman and Irrfan Khan. Shunji Iwai’s quickie about a struggling composer (Orlando Bloom) and his reluctant muse (Christina Ricci) is a keeper. Shekhar Kapur’s haunting ditty has Julie Christie as a fading singer, with John Hurt and Shia LaBeouf awkwardly present. Natalie Portman’s directorial debut is a delightfully ambiguous tale of fatherly affection. Director Joshua Marston enjoyably spotlights the elderly love between Eli Wallach and Cloris Leachman. And finally, in the upset of the century, director Brett Ratner fires off the most fun piece, with Anton Yelchin as a boy who takes James Caan’s daughter (Olivia Thirlby) to the prom with kinky results.

Watching New York, I Love You is kind of like consuming 11 romantic comedies in one sitting. Subtract the air of artistic arrogance mixed with the student filmmaking vibe, and this seems to be a natural evolution. With last year’s He’s Just Not That Into You and the upcoming rom-com nuclear bomb Valentine’s Day sporting obscenely gigantic casts cut up into tiny, bite-size sketches, it seems like we may have found the answer to the slew of “date movies” that feature wafer-thin plots and clever premises. Why not smoosh them together into one experience? This isn’t necessarily a bad idea; with the right combo of creators and talent, this may be a sign of things to come.

Grade – C+