Ryan's Junk Drawer

With great junk, comes great responsibility - "Better Off Ted"

I kind of hate this week. It's been all full of weirdness and weak. It's a weak, weird week. Look at what it's done to me! I'm jibbering and jabbering and I don't even know what I'm talking about. It's time to get myself together, if for no other reason than this is the day I expose my junk to you. It may be someone's first time seeing my junk this week, and I want to make a good first impression. Because once someone has an impression about your junk, they will tell EVERYBODY that impression. "Oh, his junk is lame." I don't want that. I can't have people out there saying "Have you seen Ryan's Junk? I have, and it is not good." I want people to say how magnificent it was, how you were surprised at all it contained!

Obviously, I'm talking about my figurative junk...as in the movie news that I deem too small to warrant a full blog post. I realize that it sounded like I was talking about something else, but this is a PG-13 rated site at best. Okay, sometimes I dabble my toes in the R-rated waters...but it always feels like someone peed in that side of the pool. Anyway, as you know, we begin every weekly edition of my Junk Drawer column by looking at the creepy-ass image above from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN and picking an item I write a goofy story about.

Today's item is the green and red tube in the lower right corner. Knowing full well the cycle of fads, what with the resurgence of skinny jeans and such, Karen knew that if she prepared herself, she could be ahead of the game. Armed with a bedazzler, limited sewing ability, and a passion for ridiculous accessories, she began amassing a staggering number of glittery, fuzzy leg warmers. She couldn't for the life of her figure out why people had stopped wearing them in the first place, what with how your shins felt like you were wearing pants even though you weren't and the awesome, raw, potent sexuality they unleashed. She knew it was only a matter of time before the populous awoke and realized that the only thing that would spell their thirst for sweater sleeves you wear on your legs were legwarmers! And she would be ready. Oh yes. She would be ready.

Okay, enough Tomfoolery and shenanigans. Let's get physical! Here's the Junk Drawer items for this week.

1.) Everything goes exactly as expected. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz - These bits of news were splashed across everyone else's Web site yesterday. But I stand from the pack. I mean, do you see other sites out there spending a good portion of time inventing stories about leg warmers and writing suggestive introductions about their junk? I didn't think so. Look, I didn't report on these things in depth because I find both of them as shocking as when CNN pundits press a button that turns Kentucky red on an electoral map. Here we go. Peter Jackson will, in fact, shoot The Hobbit in New Zealand despite all sorts of previous problems with labor unions (sorry, this is about New Zealand, so I think I have to use the foreign labour spelling, because nothing says "we ain't in America" like an unneeded U). Yippee! Look, it's good news because the films will look the same and it should be filmed there, just for consistency, but honestly did anyone think they wouldn't be? Put your hand down Guy Who Falls For Got Your Nose.

The other boring news is that James Cameron will be doing Avatar 2 and 3 next.
First off, this is so stupid that he should be forced to have the guy on the right in this picture follow him around during the entire production of these films. "I LOVE THE NAVI SO MUCH I JUST WANT TO BE ONE! Also, I really want Dave Matthews to get back to his roots, you know." Seriously, take off the face paint and that guy looks like the date rapist in a "Law and Order: SVU" episode. Anyway, I don't care to see sequels to these films, and just because he said these are his next movies that doesn't mean anything. Given his track record with his "next" project, we could be waiting until 2024. And by waiting, I mean not caring.

2.) Double-decker Cruise news - Maybe that should read "upper decker" Cruise news because both ideas are kind of stinky. Cristopher McQuarrie, who shall be forever loved in my book because he wrote The Usual Suspects, says that Maverick is the lead in Top Gun 2. That's in direct opposition to rumors that Tom Cruise would only cameo in the film. Is he willing to do a full-on sequel? I mean, I guess so. It's not like he's too big to ignore the possibility now. I can't wait to return to the character of Maverick, who has such a rich tapestry of emotions to demonstrate...like boning hot chicks and being angry. I hope the villain is somehow Meg Ryan. That would be awesome. Oh, and in the second half of this news, Cruise was offered a role in the big screen Rock of Ages, which I'm told is a musical about rock music but sounds like it would give me ear herpes.

Tommy loved that joke. Anyway, I don't know if he can sing (no, no he can't), I don't know if he can dance (no, no he can't), but he may take this because he apparently really wants to sing and dance. Look for his wife to be given some role in it as well, which is great news because she needs to come up for air soon or she'll die.

3.) I want Harley Quinn. My ideas are the best. - You have no idea how much I want to be right about the upcoming plot for The Dark Knight Rises. I know I'm probably not, but hear me out. We know that Chris Nolan is meeting with young actresses. The assumption is Catwoman or a new love interest. The process is so secretive that not even the people auditioning know what they're auditioning for. I so badly want it to be Harley Quinn. Let me tell you how this would work and why it would be awesome.

How it would work: We know that Nolan has said his plan was to have the Joker return in the next film before Heath Ledger died. We know that he won't replace the role. We also know that, within the film, the Joker was HOPING that Batman would kill him at the end. That was part of his end game, trying to make Batman lower himself. I like the idea that there may have been a plot past that. As in, the Joker either had a contingency plan for if Batman only captured him or a next step if Batman killed him. Either way, he's out of the picture, which would mean that he couldn't be the guy doing stuff. So why not have it set up for someone else to take over the Joker's plan. It's reasonable and consistent with the character as presented to believe that he would have seen this coming. Don't make this a revenge movie where his girlfriend takes up his mantle, make this a logical extension of the last film.
Okay, why it's awesome. Because it keeps things consistent, because it lets you play with the themes you wanted to play with, because its unexpected!!! But beyond that, two more good reasons. 1 - It would automatically represent a great female character for Nolan, who has been accused of not having too many of those. 2 - It would avoid the cliches of every other major villain you could think of. I love this idea. I hope that this is actually what's happening even though I'm sure it's not. Nolan, it isn't too late! Make this happen!

4.) Zach Galifianakis gets my dream job - He's going to play with Muppets. We don't know the role, some have speculated he'll just be a voice. We don't know how big that role will be, but he's only going to be involved for a few days of shooting according to rumors. All I know is that his sense of humor is so completely perfect for the off-kilter universe of Muppets that it makes my heart almost as happy as this:

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis: Sean Penn from Between Two Ferns

If this was a daily segment it would be the best part of every day. Anyway, Zacky-G is going to chill with the fuzzy folks. All is right with the world.

5.) Trailers, Parked - Two weird ones for you this week. First up is Rare Exports, a movie that involves a creepy take on Santa. It isn't your goofy slasher Santa movie, but a dark comedic/serious take on the origins of the child judger. Lord does this intrigue me.


Brother's Justice is another mockumentary, and I'm pretty much over them. It looks kind of funny, and I like the folks involved, I just can't really get all that jazzed over anything that looks like this anymore. Oh, I'll probably see it, but I ain't all tingly about it.


Okay, that's it gang. Hopefully a weird week means a great weekend, so let's hook up tomorrow to talk weekend plans. Have a great Thursday.

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Weekend Box Office Results: So...you like 3D then?

More than Avatar, the success of Alice in Wonderland this weekend just guaranteed that each and every movie will be released in 3D starting immediately. I am not exaggerating when I say that the ludicrous box office success of this terrible, terrible movie will do more to inspire studios to instantly switch all productions to 3D than Avatar's success, because Avatar was a phenomenon while Alice is a turd. The studio KNEW Alice was a turd, which is why they risked pissing off movie theater franchises by shortening the window between theatrical release and DVD release, because they figured people would see it right away, conclude it sucked, tell their friends, and the movie would be dead in a matter of weeks. This may still happen, but the fact that 3D bumped the thing into rarefied air only previously inhabited by sequels and comic book movies means we're going to be getting things like Precious in 3D. I am not kidding.

So let's take a minute to look back on the staggering weekend totals, haiku style:

1.) Alice in Wonderland - $116 million (Accuracy of prediction - 84%)

I hope it's worth it.
This film took down Johnny Depp.
Damn you Tim Burton!

2.) Brooklyn's Finest - $13.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 79%)

How did this happen?
Did YOU see Brooklyn's Finest?
I think this is wrong.

3.) Shutter Island - $13 million (Accuracy of prediction - 86%)

An official hit,
at some point during this week
it tops Marty's list.

4.) Cop Out - $9 million (Accuracy of prediction - 89%)

Not quite a real hit,
at some point during this week,
it tops Kevin's list.

5.) Avatar - $7.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

With no Oscar buzz,
this is the end of the line.
Bye, bye Avatar

Overall accuracy of prediction - 87%

A solid total.
Yep, I've got the hang of it!
Now to get FAMOUS!

Okay guys, that's it. Have a great Monday!!

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

I predict this week's winner to be Brooklyn's Finest, which will make $10 billion worldwide! Sorry, that was just a cruel joke at the expense of Wesley Snipes, who briefly thought that such success would mean he could pay off the tax man and avoid jail. Sorry, Wes, it's still slammer time for you! On the plus side, when you're in prison, you won't be able to make more movies like Brooklyn's Finest. Oh, and how did they get to use "Run This Town" in the trailers for that movie? That song is WAAAY too good for that movie. People may get tricked into seeing it for that reason and that's not right. Now, as far as the actual biggest movie of the weekend, the one that features Johnny Depp acting crazy and Tim Burton using wacky visuals (or as the two of them like to call it, "the usual"), it's going to make a bazillion dollars but not as many bazillions of dollars as it could have if it was (A) original or (B) not going up against the Oscars on Sunday. But enough logic and analysis, let's get to some ancient Asian poetic style, shall we?

Here's how I see the weekend, haiku style:

1.) Alice in Wonderland - $78 million

Burton is lucky
the 3D craze means his crap
somehow still feels new

2.) Shutter Island - $12 million

It's still on good pace
to become Scorsese's best
at least in dollars.

3.) Brooklyn's Finest - $10.5 million

Jay-Z song aside
I can't tell you anything
this film can offer.

4.) Cop Out - $7 million

Poised to be Smith's best
of course I mean box office.
It's a shiny turd.

5.) Avatar - $7 million

Say bye-bye 3D
which means goodbye Avatar
and thank God for that.

WILDCARD - The Crazies - $6.5 million

This could keep trucking
or it could fall way far off?
I'm not good at this.

Okay guys, that's it for this week!

Weekend Box Office Results: How low can Cop Out go after this?

Kevin Smith is happy. His Cop Out opening was the biggest of his career. It will almost certainly be his highest grossing film and should enjoy a relatively nice shelf life on DVD. Because I think I still like him as a person, that's nice. Because he's just been rewarded for taking the final face doo-doo on his career, it makes me sad. Because numbers also make me sad (words rule! numbers suck!), we may as well dive into the box office numbers at this point.

Here's how things went (haiku style):

1.) Shutter Island - $22 million (Accuracy of prediction - 98%)

A new career best?
This could be big for Marty!
Well, it's about time!

2.) Cop Out - $18.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90.5%)

Enjoy the win, Kev.
But please use this to move UP.
This is depressing.

3.) The Crazies - $16.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 92%)

Like I said: Sleeper.
I think this does more money.
Could hang for awhile.

4.) Avatar - $14 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

This is my life now.
Making Avatar haikus.
Somebody kill me.

5.) Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief (Accuracy of prediction - 95%)

Can you steal lightning?
Wouldn't that hurt, like, a lot?
I need to move on.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 93%

Oh my FLIPPIN gosh!
I absolutely killed it!
Here comes a great week!!!!

Okay guys, get out there and make Monday your bitch!

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Well, another week is about to go in the books. It's been a fast one...but a tough one. Speaking of tough, watching the career devolution of the once beloved Kevin Smith is tougher than watching Cinemax with your parents. It's just embarrassing. I didn't need him to grow entirely out of poop jokes, but I needed him to seize what made him great early on. Turns out, he's just not that good and that makes me blue. What's funny (not his movie) is that Cop Out will likely be his biggest movie ever. Sure, it's going to only make like $40-50 million, but that will be enough to be his most sizable film. Between the fight with Southwest Airlines over getting kicked off for reasons that may or may not have had anything to do with his size and his constant defense of not progressing as a director, I think I'm saddened almost as much by Kevin Smith the person as Kevin Smith the public figure. I like him as a person, he's just settling. That's sad. Anyway, I think The Crazies is going to be more popular than people think, but it will be a grower not a bullet. Oh, and Avatar is going to pass $700 million. Yay for excess and greed. Geez, I gotta get going before I get too grumpy to write haikus.

Here's how I see the weekend, haiku style:

1.) Shutter Island - $21 million

Don't look now, Marty.
You're now a mainstream badass.
It took 3 decades.

2.) Cop Out - $15 million

Bye bye, Kevin Smith.
I'm sure you'll direct again.
I just will not care.

3.) The Crazies - $14 million

This is a sleeper
The critics seem to love it.
Let's see if it hits.

4.) The Avatar - $11 million

Slip on down further
I can't do this anymore.
Please. Please make it stop.

5.) Valentine's Day - $9 million

Did ladies love this?
They have no other choices.
It's not fair for them.

WILDCARD - Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief - $8.5 million

Is it big enough?
Is a sequel possible?
Who knows...and who cares?

Okay, that's it for this week! Be safe, be well, and see you Monday!

Weekend Box Office Wrap Up: Don't F**k with Marty Scorsese

You can move his movie around on the schedule. You can mock him for pairing up AGAIN with Leondardo DiCaprio, his floppy-haired, 12-year-old-boy looking muse. You can wonder why the hell he's doing a run-of-the-mill thriller and not something more Oscar-worthy. But you cannot stop Martin Scorsese from dominating the box office, overpowering critics, and generally kicking mucho ass. His eyebrows alone give him the power to dismiss naysayers. He is a cinematic ninja, and he just KI-YAed the box office. All hail Scorsese. All hail him NOW.

Here's how the weekend went, haiku style:

1.) Shutter Island - $40 million (Accuracy of prediction - 94%)

His mojo is strong.
His eyebrows are stronger still.
Scorsese is GOD.

2.) Valentine's Day - $17 million (Accuracy of prediction - 79.5%)

What a HUGE drop off!
Nearly 70%!
Justice is now served.

3.) Avatar - $16 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

How is this at 3?
It should be going down now!
Go the OTHER way!!!

4.) Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief - $15 million (Accuracy of prediction - 83.5%)

It's a tweener flick.
Not a home run or a flop.
Will sequels happen?

5.) The Wolfman - $10 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

Avatar won't leave
But this barely stays a week.
There is no justice.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 84%

Another "B" week.
Is that good enough for me?
Is it good for you?

Alright, that's it. Go be productive on this Monday.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

With only one major release, this week shouldn't be too much of a challenge. Then again, everything seems extra difficult this week for no good reason. It's weird that Martin Scorsese has changed from respected artistic director to major box office draw. The Departed sort of killed it at the box office, and although this only features Leo and not Matt Damon as well, it also looks more like a blockbuster. I only want good things for Marty, so I hope he enjoys this week. On the other hand, after reading tons of interviews this week with James Cameron, who is somehow looking and sounding douchier than ever, I hope I only have to write about Avatar for another 2 weeks (until Alice in Wonderland knocks it out). I'm going to try to get douche in the haiku this week. Just FYI.

Here's how I see the box office, haiku style:

1.) Shutter Island - $35 million

I heart you, Marty!
Enjoy another triumph.
Make more movies soon.

2.) Valentine's Day - $24 million

This should get one day
and then be forcibly pulled.
The title says so.

3.) Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief - $17 million

There may be sequels
but Harry Potter this ain't.
Not that I'm surprised.

4.) Avatar - $16 million

Enough is enough.
This movie has to go now.
Cameron is a douche.

5.) The Wolfman - $12 million

Oh, the film has hair,
But in terms of box office,
it doesn't have legs.

WILDCARD - Dear John - $7.5 million

By now I would guess
everyone who wanted to
already saw this.

Okay, that's it gang. Have a wonderful, safe weekend.

Weekend Box Office Results: V-Day Apocalypse!!

Wow. Wowzie, wow, wow, wow. I can hardly believe how insanely huge Valentine's Day was. Suddenly, the studio suits who decided to go ahead and greenlight a sequel, New Year's Day, don't look so stupid. Maybe this time out they'll pay Cameron Diaz $3 million for 6 minutes instead of Julia Roberts. FYI: If those 6 minutes consist of a large man poised inches from Diaz's face yelling "YOU'RE BAD AT THIS! YOU ARE SOOO BAD AT THIS!!!" followed by pieing her in the face repeatedly, I'll single-handedly account for 50% of the box office. In related news, Wolfman had a great open, all things considered, and Percy Jackson and the Wet Noodle or whatever the hell it's called isn't quite Harry Potter but it isn't exactly The Golden Compass either. Enough preamble, dammit. Preamble is for pussies!

Let's recap this beyotch (haiku style):

1.) Valentine's Day - $56 million (Accuracy of prediction - 79%)

Wait...what in the what?
How the hell did THIS do THAT?
Boyfriends are suckers.

2.) The Wolfman - $31.75 million (Accuracy of prediction - 92.5%)

This ain't too shabby,
given the backstage messes.
Del Toro rules y'all.

3.) Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief - $31.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 84%)

What could this have done
if it didn't take so long
to read the title.

4.) Avatar - $23.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

Another strong week.
This will never go away.
I will die with it.

5.) Dear John - $16 million (Accuracy of prediction - 93.75%)

Overachiever.
The first time that word is used
with Nicholas Sparks.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 88%

I straight-up killed it!
I don't need no Avatar!
I can still do it!!

Okay, that's the movie results. I'll be back with 3 more posts today: One wrapping up the news I missed over the 3-day weekend, one that's a review of the Oscar shorts, and one that's a look ahead at "Lost." Be excited, y'all.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

We're back to a world in which the first place film isn't always Avatar, which is both good news and bad. Good news because I was damn near out of Avatar haikus. Bad news because I had a pretty damn good run while Avatar was on top in terms of my predictions, because that movie made it easy. I averaged an 82% accuracy for the reign of Ava-terror. Not too shabby, a B is good for me!! So, will my luck terminate now that I've moved on from the blue peoples? Will it sink into the mediocre abyss from which I was previously mired? Will good grades be aliens to me? Will my predictions be accurate or truly lies? Only times and puns will tell, people.

Here's my predictions, haiku style:

1.) Valentine's Day - $33 million

Love is in the air!
Wait a minute, that's not love!
Unless love smells bad.

2.) The Wolfman - $27 million

Suck on that, vampires!
A wolf now has the lead role.
Are you gonna cry?

3.) Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief - $21 million

Hey, pick a title.
You have about 3 in there.
Bad choices, people.

4.) Avatar - $19 million

Jim, don't feel too bad.
This made way too much money.
It's time to move on.

5.) Dear John - $18 million

Why did you see this?
And what's a Channing Tatum?
I must be too old.

Okay, no wildcard this week, I feel too good about these top 5 being clearly the top 5. Plus, my haiku maker is tired.

Box Office Results: Avatar loses!!! To Dear John? WTF?

I didn't see this coming. As elated as I am that the beast has fallen (for now), I am a bit shocked that it was to a generic titled, generic sounding, by-all-accounts pretty awful teenage romance movie. Weird. Still, it's nice to see some change at the top. Does this mean I have to know who Channing Tatum is now? I know he has two last names and no first name? Does this mean Amanda Seyfried has room to negotiate her contract on Mama Mia 2? What will happen?! I'm frightened! HOW WILL JAMES CAMERON TAKE THIS?!!! AHHHHH!!!

Here's the results, haiku style:

1.) Dear John - $32 million (Accuracy of prediction - 67%)

I did not see this.
The first place OR the movie.
A total shocker.

2.) Avatar - $24 million (Accuracy of prediction - 84%)

Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.
You lost to Nicholas Sparks.
You suck, Jimmy C.

3.) From Paris with Love - $8 million (Accuracy of prediction - 65%)

Poor bald Travolta.
Nobody Loved your movie
They didn't like it.

4.) Edge of Darkness - $7 million (Accuracy of prediction - 94%)

Bye bye Mel Gibson.
When next we see "sugar tits,"
he'll have a puppet.

5.) The Tooth Fairy - $6.5 million (Accuracy of prediction -100%)

This just hangs around.
Like a bad tooth infection.
Go to hell, The Rock.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 82%

Avatar's rule ends.
Giving way to romance films.
But...am I happy?

That's it for Monday. Get to work.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Gee, I wonder what will win this week? It's like Hollywood isn't even trying, which is par for the course actually. Now that Avatar has all the records it can get, I wonder if we'll finally tire of hearing about its box office rampage. I know I'm tired of it, but I'm a cynical bastard. The new movies this week are feeble and stupid. They will not mount a challenge. Enough pussyfooting around, let's just get this over with.

Here's how I see the weekend box office, haiku style:

1.) Avatar - $27 million

It sunk Titanic
It now holds the global crown.
Can it PLEASE stop now?

2.) Dear John - $17 million

Dear Nicholas Sparks,
why are you still relevant?
Your ideas suck.

3.) From Paris with Love - $15 million

Just ridiculous.
That's how John Travolta looks.
Bald AND a goatee?!

4.) Edge of Darkness - $8 million

This one is a dud.
Not a good comeback for Mel.
Karma is a bitch.

5.) When in Rome - $7 million

Very generic
and very forgettable.
We'll purge this one soon.

WILDCARD - The Tooth Fairy - $6.5 million

The Rock sold his pride
and the movie was a flop.
What a tragic tale.

Okay, that's it gang. It's nasty outside, so be careful.

Ryan's Junk Drawer

Hello bloggites. You've come to see my junk again, I see...and of course, by junk I mean my weekly column of tiny news stories that I probably could have blown up into full-fledged blog posts but chose not to because I'm lazy and because it gives me the chance to make jokes like "my junk is so huge this week I'm not sure I can get it all in." Wow. That was vulgar even for me. Before we start, as we do every week, we must first look upon the creepy-ass image above taken from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN, pick an item from said creepy-ass image, and make a fictional creepy-ass story about it. Today's item is the green and red lump in the corner. "Marcus knew that if he was going to make this marriage work, he'd have to pretend that his wife wasn't trying to poison him. So, thinking quickly, he stashed the potato infused with acid into his junk drawer. As the years passed by, and the spud became greener and greener, so did Marcus's love for his wife, whose blood oath to destroy Marcus remains. Sometimes, if he wakes up at night, he can catch her right before she tries to put the pillow over his face and they share a moment."

Now that that is out of the way, let's get to probing and thoroughly examining my junk!

1.) Inching closer to midnight - There's no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to say it. Rich Johnston at Bleeding Cool has some good evidence to suggest that there's going to be some kind of sequel to "Watchmen." First, likely in comic book form, then likely on the big screen. This isn't going to be a little dabble either. We're talking spin-offs, origin stories, ongoing titles set in that world, and every other horrible, horrible thing you could imagine. The why isn't as interesting as the WTF but allow me to explain. Basically, the president of DC comics, Paul Levitz, has protected the world from experiencing the bad touch of having Alan Moore's perfect comic exploited. With him moving on to a new post, Dan DiDio, molester of good things, has all but promised to abuse the franchise however he can. The one tiny, tiny, tiny shred of good news is that Dave Gibbons (the artist) and Sir Alan Moore (the lunatic) have to be offered first refusal on any new projects. As the guys at Slashfilm.com suggest, I would love to believe that Moore will come back, even if there's zero, and I mean ZERO, chance that he will. To be clear: I want them to leave all things "Watchmen" the hell alone. Period. But knowing that they won't, knowing that they're going to get some hack like Jeph Loeb to come in and work his mediocre magic on it makes me sick. I think that Moore could do something subversive and cool with the series. We live in a different world than the Cold War world now, and it's one about which Moore clearly would have some interesting things to say. I know he won't do it, but I pray he does. Alan, they're going to ruin your masterpiece. I know you think agreeing to do it would be agreeing to help them, but it would be your last, best chance to prevent someone else from just destroying what you've done. I will say this, and I mean it: I'm echoing Devin's statements from Chud.com; if Moore isn't involved, I'm not buying it. No matter what. It's the only way to make it stop. Sorry to start out my junk so grim. I promise to be funnier in a minute.

2.) I promise that Marc Webb will be happy - 500 Days of Summer, the mediocre movie that charmed its way into the mind pants of half the world, was little more than a Zooey Deschanel worship film. Soft-focus shots of Zooey laughing, sitting, smiling, blinking, and so on and so on and so on. Oh, yeah, she's infinitely cute, see:
And thank God for that, otherwise that movie would have made me want to take my own life at spork point. Anyhoodle, Webb's going to be happy (and not just because he gets to ruin...er, direct the new Spidey movie) because Zooey is going to star in a pilot for HBO about groupies. Ahem, it's on HBO and it's a show about groupies, meaning we may be seeing more of Zooey's Deschanels than Webb was able to coax her into exposing (and you sooooo know he wanted to...seriously, that movie was Zooey face porn). Then again, maybe they'll go the Almost Famous route of noble groupie worship. You know, I'm betting somewhere right now, Webb is using some of his new Spidey money to get his first bribe going.

3.) Malick's magic has me entranced already - Somebody slow down Terrence Malick because that crazy bastard is on a roll! Having completed (to some degree) his Tree of Life (a family drama starring Sean Penn and Brad Pitt) and Voyage of Time (an IMAX documentary companion to Tree of Life narrated by Pitt), dude is working on a new movie?! This is a guy who made his last 3 movies in a span of 30 YEARS!!! Now, I don't quite have the Malick chubby that a lot of film critics do (The New World was terrible...just terrible, and that represents like 1/4 of his career output), I do think he has genius in him (see Thin Red Line and Days of Heaven). So I am more than overjoyed with news from Nikki Finke that he's next going to work on a love story featuring the following folks:

Christian Bale

Olga Kurylenko (former Bond girl)

and....wait for it...
Rachel McAdams

Now, in addition to the movie likely being good (and being directed by a noted auteur), this is the best casting ever. So here's hoping Malick almost doubles his career output in the next 12 months!

4.) Three things that have nothing to do with one another - This is the ultimate in tidiness, here are three small, small nuggets in a blog post about small nuggets. (1) - Danny Glover is going to star in Dragon Fire with Vinnie Jones...which is being described as Moby Dick with dragons. Wrap your mind grapes around that one. Danny Glover...and dragons. It's as God intended. (2) - Avatar beat Titanic yesterday, although most coverage is directed at how it's bullshit because of ticket prices and whatnot. I'll say it again, here's what I know: I know that in a down economy, Cameron's movie has made over 2 billion at the box office. TWO BILLION. For an average movie with no new ideas and not really groundbreaking visuals. TWO BILLION FOR MEDIOCRITY. I'm impressed. (3) - Daryl Hannah told Film 24 (so yes, this means Daryl Hannah is still alive) that she'll be back for Kill Bill 3. She said some weird comment about how he always intended a trilogy (a lie, because he originally said he viewed them as one movie), and spouted some nonsense about a tradition of blind samurai, which is true but her character wasn't exactly a samurai. Whatever, I loved the movies and will welcome another one. Plus, her probation/welfare officer will really be happy if the third film ever gets made.

5.) Trailers, parked - Okay, as per usual, we have a weird group of previews for you this week. First up is The Losers, which looks like the A-Team trailer should have. It seems to be whimsical and fun while still having awesome action. It's not an accident that it features some music from Ocean's 11, as that's part of the feel they're going for I think. Plus, it doesn't hurt that Zoe Saldana is hotter than fire-flavored fire. I know they may stray from the comic source material, but I don't care. This one is moving higher on my "must see" list.



Next up is another trailer for Kick Ass, which is atop my "must see" list. Now, this is an R-rated trailer, a redbander. So, in order to see it, you'll have to be 18 or be able to type an age that isn't your own. Crazy, right? I could not be more excited about this. Everything I see just looks better and better. Mmm...



Finally, we have Cemetery Junction, which is only included below because it is the byproduct of Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant. The two are going a different direction than their "Office" stuff. This is a coming-of-age Brit tale that looks a little cliched but still genuinely endearing. With those two creators involved, I'm in. Take a look.



Okay, that's it. I warned you that I had massive junk today. Wasn't lying, was I? See you tomorrow to end the week with a bang.

Weekend Box Office Results: Time is frozen.

I had a nightmare that I would only be talking about Avatar forever. I was in my mid-forties and not only was I not rich, I was still discussing this movie. Not its sequels, not its spin-offs, but this original movie that was still playing in theaters because nobody has the stones or brains to release a good movie in February. Ugh. I would like to point out that although Edge of Darkness didn't do great money (because it was mediocre), even tripe like When in Rome made decent coin. People want to go to the movies all year long. It's time to sound that familiar gong about how they need to drop blockbusters at least once a month. Bang a gong.

Here's the weekend results (haiku style):

1.) Avatar - $30 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

You leave me no choice.
I must now resort to puns.
I am feeling "blue."

2.) Edge of Darkness - $17 million (Accuracy of prediction - 79.5%)

This is no Taken.
But Neeson is a good guy.
No "sugar tits" there.

3.) When in Rome - $12.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 74%)

With Bell's cute dimples
and an advert overload
this didn't quite fail.

4.) The Tooth Fairy - $10 million (Accuracy of prediction - 75%)

The ONLY kid flick
it has no competition
we can't condone this.

5.) The Book of Eli - $9 million (Accuracy of prediction - 80%)

Bye for now, Denzel.
You'll be off this list next week.
But I still love you.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 81%

Still pulling a B.
Avatar makes it easy.
For that, it's OK.

That's it gang. Go have a Monday!

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Gee. I wonder what will win this weekend? Why, could it be Avatar, the movie that is quickly fostering hate inside of my belly like a piece of wire accidentally ingested by a cow? Months ago, when I saw the film, I thought it was a fun piece of pop candy. I didn't have it pegged for all-time box office domination, so I didn't mind it. Now that it's no longer Avatar but AVATAR!!! I kind of hate it. It may not be fair, but fair is for wussies. With that, I give you my unnecessarily hate-filled, Avatar-topping forecast for the weekend box office.

Here are the predictions (haiku style).

1.) Avatar - $28 million

ENOUGH ALREADY
You now have all the records.
Please feel free to leave.

2.) Edge of Darkness - $24 million

Mel Gibson is back!
He served his time in limbo.
Sugar tits is back!

3.) The Book of Eli - $9 million

Slouching towards a hit
thanks to a lack of options.
January sucked.

4.) When in Rome - $8.5 million

Darling Kristen Bell
why would you make this movie?
I mean, Josh Duhamel?

5.) Legion - $8 million

Nice total last week
Time for you to slip away
We won't remember

WILDCARD - The Tooth Fairy - $7 million

Shame on you, The Rock.
Shame on you a thousand times.
Fame is done with you.

No mo Lobo

Nobody really needed a movie about Lobo, a comic book character created I can only assume on some kind of dare. The one-note figure went around doing dumb shit and saying words like "bastiches," which made people laugh because it sounded like bastards (teeheehee). So, count me one of the many who could care less that LAT’s Hero Complex blog's chat with producer Joel Silver seems to suggest that Guy Ritchie is bailing on Lobo for a return to Sherlock's village. Sherlock has done great business (should cross $200 million domestically and $400 million worldwide shortly) while operating under the shadow of Avatar, which HAD to be taking some of the audience away. With rumors flying that Moriarty will make his nefarious rise in the next flick, and with many rumors suggesting Brad Pitt has been (or will be) offered the plot, bringing Ritchie (who has a relationship with Pitt) back to the film may be a great idea. Since I mentioned Brad Pitt, this is also a good time to point out that I don't care if he and Angelina Jolie have split up or not. Although I applaud her humanitarian work and have sometimes accidentally enjoyed her movies, she seems to be a psychotic who not-so-long-ago used to drink Billy Bob Thornton's blood. Now, if she's paying down international deficits and helping poor people live, I'll forgive her the whole batshit crazy making-out-with-her-brother thing, but I draw the line at giving a squishy tomato about her personal life. Besides, I have a feeling they'll both be fine. Rich and fine. Rich, attractive, and fine. So, moral of the story: Guy Ritchie is likely doing Sherlock Holmes 2: The Case of Watson's Lube, Brad Pitt should play Moriarty because that would effing rule, and we've all forgotten that Angelina Jolie is the lunatic spawn of Jon Voight.

Weekend Box Office Results: We're not done with Avatar yet

Well, it's (almost) official. There's little doubt that within the next 2-3 days, Avatar will be the all-time worldwide box office champ and that within 2 weeks or so it will be the all-time domestic champ. I suggest that once it has reached that mark, we strip it from each and every theater like unwanted wallpaper. I say we storm the projection booths, reclaim each print, and toss them into a fire. Not because I hate the movie, which is just okay, but because I am pretty much done ever talking about this movie ever again. And with that...let's write some poetry about it!

Here are the results from the weekend box office, haiku style:

1.) Avatar - $36 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

There's no end in sight.
It has all of our money.
It should bail out banks.

2.) Legion - $18 million (Accuracy of prediction - 71.5%)

This was surprising.
Y'all love angels with guns then?
Let the rip-offs start!

3.) The Book of Eli - $17 million (Accuracy of prediction - 100%)

Still haven't seen it.
Looks like a Blu-Ray rental.
I'm still curious.

4.) The Tooth Fairy - $14.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 54%)

Suck on that The Rock.
That should make you stop this crap.
Make some action flicks.

5.) The Lovely Bones - $8.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 91%)

Disappointing end
to a seemingly good match
of source and helmer

Overall accuracy of prediction - 83%

I'm a B student
when it comes to box office
but I will take that.

That's it for Monday. It's my wife's birthday today, so if you know Abbie at all, give her some love!

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Nobody will admit it, but I'm terrified that Avatar WON'T be number one this week. Oh, it's not because I love discussing a phenomenon or that I'm worried about James Cameron's fragile ego. It's because if Avatar isn't number one, then The Tooth Fairy will be. It has all the hallmarks of the "surprise" Disney hits like The Pacifier and The Game Plan and The Bad Touch (okay, I made that last one up, but it's how those movies make me feel). I am praying that the world realizes that children who see The Tooth Fairy grow up to be serial killers when they're older. Also opening this week is Legion, which I still want to see even if I know it will be bad for me. It's kind of like Taco Bell, I know this is going to burn me on the inside, but I'm drawn to the taste. Then there's Extraordinary Measures, which is trying to capitalize on the optimism and kind story that catapulted The Blind Side, only this stars Brendon Fraser and a not-even-trying-anymore Harrison Ford. Yeah, that's right Brendon Fraser, I just compared you to Sandra Bullock in a negative way. You have less talent than Sandra Bullock. That's gotta hurt. As for Mr. Ford, surely he doesn't NEED to work, so I think he should stop. Retire, dude. Go find Sean Connery on a beach somewhere. Sean Connery is still alive, right? I don't want to be insensitive. Anyway, here's how I see this week going, haiku style.

1.) Avatar - $34 million

There's no more question
This film will beat Titanic.
If only I cared.

2.) The Tooth Fairy - $22 million

Why, Mr. The Rock?
Why would you do this to us?
Did someone hurt you?

3.) The Book of Eli - $17 million

A solid effort.
The box office, not the film.
I haven't seen that.

4.) Legion - $15 million

An angel with guns?
What cool looking imagery.
But I think that's it.

5.) The Lovely Bones - $10 million

This didn't quite flop,
Despite bad reviews and such.
Do as Oprah says?

WILDCARD - Extraordinary Measures - $9 million

BAD Harrison Ford.
What the hell is wrong with you?
Brendon Fraser? What?!

Weekend Box Office Results: Guess who won the week?

Another week, another discussion about Avatar. The big news is this: It should be Titanic worldwide within 10 days and should be number 2 domestically all time by Sunday. It has a decent shot to end up number 1 domestically as well. My favorite thing is how people are bitching about inflation and how ticket sales don't mean that blah, blah, blah, blah. It made more money than anything else before it ever (or at least it's going to). That's impressive and crazy. If you want to burn your candle at the shrine of Gone with the Wind, so be it. Just realize that if you start harping about how the true measure is ticket sales you're claiming that we should revere 101 Dalmations because it would be number 11 all-time according to that chart. Anyway, on to the issue at hand.

Here are the MLKJR weekend results (haiku style):

1.) Avatar - $54 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

Golden Globe winner?
You have to be kidding right?
You mean People's Choice.

2.) Book of Eli - $38 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

Love Mila Kunis.
Love Denzel Washington, too.
But that all may change...

3.) The Lovely Bones - $20 million (Accuracy of prediction - 55%)

I can't believe this!
Mixed reviews and creepy plot?
Y'all must love Jackson.

4.) Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel - $15 million (Accuracy of prediction - 87%)

This film worries me.
Its success defies logic.
Make the chipmunks stop.

5.) The Spy Next Door - $13 million (Accuracy of prediction - 86%)

Don't worry, Jackie.
We'll all forget this happened.
But not Kung Fu Kid.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 81.5%

Another week done.
Where is all the time going?
James Cameron bought it?

Okay, that's it. Happy Monday on a Tuesday (for those easily confused, it is Tuesday).

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

This is starting to get repetitive. Avatar, Avatar, Avatar. Blah, blah, blah. How in the world can I spice this up and break the monotony?

There, all better. Now we can move on to discussing the intricate ins and outs of the weekend box office stuffs. Oh, and we're going to be doing the three-day weekend thing because I have Monday off (yeah, no bloggy blog on that day, I'm out of town). Here's how I see this weekend breaking down, haiku style.

1.) Avatar - $43 million

The Dark Knight is next
on its box office onslaught.
Will Titanic hold?

2.) The Book of Eli - $30 million

Spoiler Alert Time
I know the secret book's name:
"Tuesdays with Morrie."

3.) Alvin and the Chipmunks The Squeakquel - $14 million

I'm sick of this too.
When will the chipmunks be gone?
Exterminate them.

4.) The Spy Next Door - $12 million

Poor old Jackie Chan
First Rush Hour 3 and now this
Stop making me sad.

5.) Sherlock Holmes - $11 million

Elementary.
That's a good descriptor here.
We knew this would rule.

WILDCARD - The Lovely Bones - $10 million

Not a crowd pleaser...
and not a critic pleaser.
That does not bode well.

Okay gang. That's it. Have a lovely 3-day weekend (if you get it). Stay safe, have fun and see you next week.

Weekend Box Office Results: This is getting Avatar-ded

Likely by the end of the day, Avatar will be in the top 5 domestic films of all time. It has also closed the worldwide gap on Titanic to $513 million. That's a big number, sure, but it probably has at least $100-150 million more domestically that it will rake in, leaving just over $350 million to tally overseas. If it keeps pulling in $100 million a weekend from around the globe...we may be looking at a new champion. God, that is really just staggering. Especially since it (A) wasn't all that great and (B) had terrible buzz early on. Really, that's just the exact same formula as Titanic, huh? Yeah, I think that movie is mediocre, too...it just got lucky and had Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio in it, so people THOUGHT it was better than it actually was. But I digress. We're in there here and now, so here is some haiku-style results now:

1.) Avatar - $48.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

Highest fourth weekend.
Biggest ever 3D film.
Least humble helmer.

2.) Sherlock Holmes - $16.5 (Accuracy of prediction - 84%)

What a nice big hit
complete with some gay subtext
Mention that often.

3.) Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel - $16 million (Accuracy of prediction - 78%)

Let's name the third one:
How about the Squeal-o-gy?
Or, JUST DON'T MAKE IT.

4.) Daybreakers - $15 million (Accuracy of prediction - 93.5%)

Non-sparkle vampires
Can't earn the same box office.
Wow, that really sucks.

5.) It's Complicated - $11 million (Accuracy of prediction - 98%)

Here's some food for thought:
Ephron is Tyler Perry
for old white women.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 90%

Another A week!
Avatar is good for ALL!
I forgive you, Jim!

Okay, that's it for now guys. Enjoy your Monday!