Friday, August 13, 2010

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Alright, as per Friday usual, I'm slow-cooking a review that will post for your consumption of its deliciousness later this afternoon. In the meanwhiles, howsabout we talk a little about how much I think everyone is overpredicting The Expendables. The bad guy is Eric Roberts. Let that sink into your brain noodles a bit: ERIC ROBERTS. I know you've got a bunch of people who collectively represent the finest in steroids and fake face punching, but really, none of these men have had a hit in years (if ever). So...why is it we think that putting all of them together is going to be a massive success? I joked about this film for years (still am), but in reality I don't think the R-rated, dumb-action flick is going to reach in and grab the audience it thinks. I'm calling this (and I'll probably eat crow...or Sly's malformed fist for saying it): I think it's going to underperform. Most places have it in the high 20s or low 30s, I'm saying low to mid 20s tops.

As far as the counter-programming, Eat Pray Love will find its audience. They will be loyal to the order of what Julie and Julia did, delivering numerous weeks of solid performance. It may seem unremarkable but it will do well and I wish it the best because I like Julia Roberts and her teeth. The other new opening is Scott Pilgrim vs the World, which I will have more to say about later. It is unquestionably, undeniably the most over-praised movie I have ever read internet reviews of, with younger online critics pooping their cyber pants over it, calling it a "game changer" or something we'll look back on in a decade as a defining moment. Nope. Inception? Yes. THAT was a game changer. Scott Pilgrim is a fun, hyper-energetic, zeitgeist-grabbing ride that I thoroughly enjoyed and everyone should see. I liked it a lot. But it isn't even the best movie I've seen this summer. Anyway, don't let that dampen your enthusiasm for a film I highly recommend, just be prepared that if you're someone who has read the reviews online, you're not going to have angels massage your shoulders while you watch it.

Here's how I see the box office going this week, haiku style of course:

1.) The Expendables - $24 million

Of all the big names,
the posters leave out one man:
Eric Roberts, bitch.

2.) Eat Pray Love - $21 million

I hope this does well.
My wife just adored the book.
I want her happy.

3.) The Other Guys - $16 million

How is this a hit?
I mean, it's not bad and all,
but it's not a hit.

4.) Scott Pilgrim vs the World - $15.5 million

I'm done with Cera.
His schtick is just grating now.
Even with sword fights.

5.) Inception - $12 million

The end is nearing.
I will miss you so, so much.
I will keep dreaming.

Okay, that's it for now lovers. I'll be back later with some Pilgrim action for your asses.

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