Weekend Box Office Results: Why did you go see Takers?

I apologize for the slipshod bloggery today. I'm not on my game. Things are just whacked out and bizarre today, so I'm not on it. I wish I was. I'm just going to shuffle along and get through today if you don't mind. I promise to do better tomorrow.

Here's the box office results, haiku style:

1.) The Last Exorcism - $21 million (Accuracy of prediction - 87%)

A horror triumph
in terms of the box office.
Not in quality.

2.) Takers - $21 million (Accuracy of prediction - 79%)

I can't believe this.
What is wrong with all of you?
How did this do well?

3.) The Expendables - $9.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 100%)

This is a big hit.
$100 million for sure.
A sequel will come.

4.) Eat Pray Love- $7 million (Accuracy of prediction - 100%)

It has been eaten.
Prayers have been asked and answered.
But did you love it?

5.) The Other Guys - $6.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 91%)

Wahlberg is funny.
The only question really:
does he mean to be?

Overall accuracy of prediction - 91%

Not a bad weekend.
Provided you did not see
the movie Takers.

Again, I apologize for the haphazard, ramshackle approach today. I'll be more on point tomorrow. Maybe.

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Fearless, flawless box office predictions

Don't go to the movies this weekend. I mean it. There's just no reason to. It's the end of summer, there's still nice weather out there. If it's not too hot, get out there in the sun and do something fun because this week's releases put the oops in poops. There's no reason to see a shitty horror movie that isn't even trying. There's no reason to consider a film with a rapper (T.I.), Anakin Skywalker (Hayden Christensen), and the lesser of the actors in The Fast and the Furious (Paul Walker). Just don't do it. Come on, gang, spend some time with your families actually talking. Just a suggestion.

Here's how I see the weekend, haiku style:

1.) The Last Exorcism - $15.5 million

Are you serious?
Do you promise this is it?
You'd best mean "The Last."

2.) Takers - $10 million

I say take it back.
Even the poster looks dumb.
All the actors suck.

3.) The Expendables - $9.5 million

This is a big hit.
I could not have been more wrong.
But are you surprised?

4.) Eat Pray Love - $7 million

No competition.
Women only get one film.
So, hope you like it.

5.) Avatar Special Edition - $6 million

OH MY GOD IT'S BACK.
It's like I'm in a nightmare.
A blue, nude nightmare.

WILDCARD - The Other Guys - $5.5 million

This is still going?
Who could have thought it would be?
Mark Wahlberg. That's who.

Okay, that's it. Have a great weekend. I'm going to try and get even more crap done. It's my life these days.

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Weekend Box Office: Sly can buy more steroids

Nobody spent a lot of time going to see movies this weekend, so I'm not going to spend a ton of time discussing them. The take-home messages are as follows: (1) - Stop seeing parody movies, even if they are making fun of crap that needs to be made fun of. Why? Because it empowers stupid people. (2) - Sly will make another Expendables, giving Segal and Van Damme a reason to live. My prediction: One of them will be the bad guy next time out. (3) - Jennifer Aniston is not a movie star and we need to stop pretending she is. (4) - Comedies that appeal to the black community are always going to find some level of success...imagine what would happen if any of them were truly exceptional and found other audiences too.

Okay, let's get it on, haiku style:

1.) The Expendables - $17 million (Accuracy of prediction - 94%)

All hail Sylvester!
Remember kids, steroids suck
unless you make films.

2.) Vampires Suck - $12.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 78%)

Hello and good bye.
This is a one-week wonder.
I hate these movies.

3.) Eat Pray Love- $12 million (Accuracy of prediction - 94%)

This is about right.
A fine film for a small group.
Hope they enjoyed it.

4.) The Lottery Ticket - $11 million (Accuracy of prediction - 85%)

This will fade fast, too.
But it didn't cost too much.
It's all relative.

5.) Piranha 3D - $10 million (Accuracy of prediction - 50%)

Ouch. This one bit me.
Not quite as bad as Ving Rhames.
That dude went crazy!

Overall Accuracy of Prediction - 80%

Too many movies
for me to do a good job.
I need things simple.

Okay, gang. Happy Monday to ya. Go out there and eat it up!

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Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

It's a smorgasbord of crap this week! An all-you-can-eat buffet of mediocrity and absolute swill! Hooray! The real question is, will a holdover from last week win or will a new crap-tender rise to the top of the trash heap? It's so thrilling I can barely bring myself to zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Oh, sorry, dozed off. Let's just get this over with, right?

Here's how I see the weekend, haiku style!

1.) The Expendables - $15 million

Sly does it again!
Uh oh...Expendables 2?
This shit just got real.

2.) Piranha 3D - $14 million

Horror in 3D?
Sure. But throw in 3D boobs?
Now everyone wins.

3.) Eat Pray Love - $13.5 million

This should keep rolling,
as there's no direct challenge.
Ladies still love it.

4.) Vampires Suck - $13 million

I agree with this,
but only on the title.
Parodies are hard.

5.) Nanny McPhee Returns - $12 million

A hit overseas,
it's the sequel no one needs.
So...it's a sequel.

WILDCARD - Lottery Ticket - $10 million

This film stars Bow Wow.
Do I need to keep going?
I really hope not.

Okay, that's it. Have a great weekend and see you on Monday!

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Weekend Box Office: I was wrong. Again.

Okay, really? Seriously? You're being serious now? Who went to go see The Expendables with that kind of force? Not only did it achieve the high totals I thought it would miss...it EXCEEDED THEM. It's Stallone's biggest opening EVER. How is this possible? Y'all just have a thing for veiny arms and incomprehensible dialogue? Is this going to open a wave of popularity for Eric Roberts? WHAT IS GOING ON?!?!?!?!

On the other side of the coin, I have seen a great wailing and gnashing of teeth about the failure of Scott Pilgrim to set the world ablaze. Um, really? It was based on an INDIE comic book, appeals to a very small window of people (like, nobody older than 45), and was shown a ton of times to that audience already in various screenings. I kind of figured it would fizzle a bit, being that it's not a cross-demographic movie. Inception was too smart to catch on, I feared, but it appealed to every quadrant. Pilgrim just didn't. It would be like expecting Eat Pray Love to win the week, even though it only appeals to about 60% of people out there. You have to start with a wide base. To put it another way, you could make the most transcendent, amazing film about Polka ever, and even though I'll see it and love it because I love movies, it's not going to be a big hit.

Anyway, on to the results, haiku style:

1.) The Expendables - $35 million (Accuracy of prediction - 84%)

Given his hobbies,
of course Stallone's film took some
box office steroids

2.) Eat Pray Love - $23 million (Accuracy of prediction - 96%)

A solid open.
This film will have some great legs.
That sounded sexist.

3.) The Other Guys - $18 million (Accuracy of prediction - 94%)

A good holdover,
on its way to a nice sum.
The credits still suck.

4.) Inception - $11 million (Accuracy of prediction - 85.5%)

No signs of stopping,
I would never have guessed this.
Nolan wins again!

5.) Scott Pilgrim vs the World - $10 million (Accuracy of prediction - 62.5%)

Quite disappointing.
I did really like the film,
but it had limits.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 84%

Scott Pilgrim killed me.
I suppose that means I'm now
just a pile of coins.

Okay gang, Happy Monday to ya! Now get out there and be productive...or else!

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Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Alright, as per Friday usual, I'm slow-cooking a review that will post for your consumption of its deliciousness later this afternoon. In the meanwhiles, howsabout we talk a little about how much I think everyone is overpredicting The Expendables. The bad guy is Eric Roberts. Let that sink into your brain noodles a bit: ERIC ROBERTS. I know you've got a bunch of people who collectively represent the finest in steroids and fake face punching, but really, none of these men have had a hit in years (if ever). So...why is it we think that putting all of them together is going to be a massive success? I joked about this film for years (still am), but in reality I don't think the R-rated, dumb-action flick is going to reach in and grab the audience it thinks. I'm calling this (and I'll probably eat crow...or Sly's malformed fist for saying it): I think it's going to underperform. Most places have it in the high 20s or low 30s, I'm saying low to mid 20s tops.

As far as the counter-programming, Eat Pray Love will find its audience. They will be loyal to the order of what Julie and Julia did, delivering numerous weeks of solid performance. It may seem unremarkable but it will do well and I wish it the best because I like Julia Roberts and her teeth. The other new opening is Scott Pilgrim vs the World, which I will have more to say about later. It is unquestionably, undeniably the most over-praised movie I have ever read internet reviews of, with younger online critics pooping their cyber pants over it, calling it a "game changer" or something we'll look back on in a decade as a defining moment. Nope. Inception? Yes. THAT was a game changer. Scott Pilgrim is a fun, hyper-energetic, zeitgeist-grabbing ride that I thoroughly enjoyed and everyone should see. I liked it a lot. But it isn't even the best movie I've seen this summer. Anyway, don't let that dampen your enthusiasm for a film I highly recommend, just be prepared that if you're someone who has read the reviews online, you're not going to have angels massage your shoulders while you watch it.

Here's how I see the box office going this week, haiku style of course:

1.) The Expendables - $24 million

Of all the big names,
the posters leave out one man:
Eric Roberts, bitch.

2.) Eat Pray Love - $21 million

I hope this does well.
My wife just adored the book.
I want her happy.

3.) The Other Guys - $16 million

How is this a hit?
I mean, it's not bad and all,
but it's not a hit.

4.) Scott Pilgrim vs the World - $15.5 million

I'm done with Cera.
His schtick is just grating now.
Even with sword fights.

5.) Inception - $12 million

The end is nearing.
I will miss you so, so much.
I will keep dreaming.

Okay, that's it for now lovers. I'll be back later with some Pilgrim action for your asses.

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