Ryan's Junk Drawer

Greetings junk junkies! Why, I can hardly believe it's been a full week since last we spoke to discuss my entertaining and expansive junk. In that time frame, I'm imagining that each and every one of us has put on the first layer of our holiday "padding," a fresh blurb of fatty fat fat to keep our insides warm and make us ever more ripe for zombie consumption. Huzzah! Before we dive into a close inspection of my junk, as is tradition, today's item from the creepy image from "Highlights" magazine above is the screw...for you see, it isn't just any screw...it's THE screw that held grumpy old Mrs. Winterbosom's rocking chair together. Oh, the old biddy may have sat on her porch and laughed before, but she won't be laughing now that she's having hip replacement surgery. Mwahahahaha.

Now, onward and upward to this week's tasty tidbits that aren't quite big enough to leave the nest on their own.

1.) Dude. RDJ is straight up pissed, yo. - Although you and I, being the semi-rational people we are (when it comes to matters other than sports teams or the heart), know that yesterday's Iron Man 2 poster was muy caliente, Marvel is not taking any chances. Despite the rest of the world's explicit and obvious boner for robots (I'm looking at you all-of-Asia), the studio felt a poster that displayed the kisser of its most famous star would be the best way to market the film abroad. Thus, with a spelled-out title and a demasked hero, here comes the foreign poster.

Jeez. I don't know who pooped in Robert's hot cocoa, but I would just fess up and run before he kills you with his mustache.

2.) I would watch PT Anderson's Care Bears if he made it - Few directors have absolutely crushed it every single time. Cameron Crowe broke his streak with the turdish Elizabethtown, leaving me only Darren Aronofsky (who really can't go wrong with his next movie in which Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis do it) and Paul Thomas Anderson, who has revealed that he's going back to an old friend and an old theme for his next film.

Philip Seymour Hoffman (shown above with his split personality), who was last seen doing his best to enjoy the crap taco that was Pirate Radio, has worked with Anderson on Magnolia (a supremely underrated film) and is set to play "The Master" in this next effort, which will once more explore themes of faith and power. Set in the 1950s and somewhat reminiscent of There Will Be Blood, the film will follow Hoffman's character and his young protegee as they set up a faith-based organization. Now, supposedly, this will be less angry towards spirituality and a bit more kind towards it. Still, I'm going to go right on ahead and guess that some groups are likely going to have a problem with the guy who wrote a murderous milkshaker doing them some favors.

3.) Robert Duvall still works harder than you - Despite being, let me check, 117 years old, Robert Duvall refuses to slouch into the role of Wal-Mart greeter as society demands. Instead, the charismatic and insanely talented thespian is being sought after by Terry Gilliam (and not just for his sweet disposition). According to Collider, Gilliam wants Duvall to be his Quixote in the once rolling then decimated Man Who Killed Don Quixote (the collapse of Gilliam's original attempt was chronicled in the brilliant Lost in La Mancha...so, you know, every crushed dream and wasted millions has a tiny documentarian silver lining).

Duvall is quick to note that funding isn't locked down yet (I'm guessing investors may have also heard about Lost in La Mancha), but this sounds like sheer genius. I'm waiting for Gilliam to put a bow on his fantastic career, and his determination to get this one finished, FINALLY, is something I admire. Why, this ridiculous quest to film this movie despite all odds and reason is downright....hmm, there's a word for this, a word for when someone is on an idealistic journey to do something....it will come to me....

4.) You sunk my Battleship....expectations even further - Devin Faraci from Chud.com took a crazy-ass trip to meet with Peter Berg the director of Battleship. Oh, he'll likely do other movies, and he's done other movies before, but now and forever he will be the man responsible for Battleship. Anyhoodle, Devin got a whole bunch of inside information regarding the insane flick (which is downright Roland Emmerich-sounding). In case you hadn't heard, the enemy is going to be aliens. Those aliens will be called The Regents. How nice that the aliens pick a name we can say. Anyway, Devin discovered a lot of tidbits like that the ETs are going to be stuck to a traditional 9 ship water-based battle, just like in the board game, and that someone will say "You sunk my battleship," which pretty much confirms that the movie is going to suck all of the balls. Of all of the intriguing little nuggets, the best was that Berg is planning a response to Stephen Colbert's blast on the film (below).

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Tip/Wag - Guns on Amtrak, Fake Lesbians & Battleship Audition
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor U.S. Speedskating

That's the thing I'm most excited for. Sad.

5.) This 44 Inch Chest is one Sexy Beast - I loved, loved, loved, loved Ben Kingsley in Sexy Beast. He was so good and the film was so deliciously grisly and intense that it still resonates with me. Thus, I am incredibly excited for the next film from the writers of that movie (and one of the stars). The trailer only makes me more pleased, if only because it's a British gangster movie NOT from Guy Ritchie and because the cast looks like they could seriously kick my ass in real life. Oh, and the title is just sheer and total badassery. Lord, the more I think about this, the more I really want it to get here...which it probably won't because it's a British film that doesn't have Jude Law, so it won't get US distribution. It's why God invented DVD.



That's my junk for this week. I hope you like it. See you tomorrow with haiku in full effect.

Worth the wait?

Yesterday afternoon was dotted by everyone showing off this image:

Yep, that's War Machine as he will appear in Iron Man 2. I like the poster a lot, mostly because it doesn't tell us anything. They're touching, but is it supportive touching or are they about to duel? Is this "watch your back" or "I've got your back?" They don't even give you the title. They're like "Hey, it's dudes in metal suits, figure it out. We'll give you the number two, but that's all you get." The only way I could be more excited is if you saw Scarlett Johansson's head popping out from between Iron Man's legs...that did not sound right. So, when everyone was posting this yesterday, I waited a bit. Mostly because my hands were tired from typing about other bullcrap. Then came news from Jeff Bridges that caused everyone to re-post their original post...see, Bridges basically came out and said that the original Iron Man had no real script. That's so rad. As a writer, I kind of want to be offended, but how badass is it that they made a movie that enjoyable while basically winging it. Of course, I'm a little scared that they'll have a hard time catching lightning in a bottle twice, as rumor has it this one is a bit ight-lay on the ipt-scray as well. Yet, comic movies like this one (not all comic movies mind you) aren't reliant so much on plot contrivances as they are based in character and bombast. I think they can nail it...at least I hope they do. So look for War Machine and Iron man to be fighting/supporting one another/having robo-sex improv style come next May!