Cutting Room Floor is home to a sea of snark and snippets about upcoming movies, rumors about films, and other assorted nonsense. Sure, the information is mostly accumulated from other reputable sources, but the sarcasm is 100% home grown.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions
I know you were all worried earlier in the week that the blog down-ness was going to prevent you from getting your Haiku on. No way. Nothing can stop me from droppin' some ancient Asian poetic form on your face every Friday, and that's a promise (more like a luke-warm suggestion, really). This week is another odd one, as Hollywood seems to have fired both barrels of their blockbuster gun before Summer is even officially half over (premature cinematic release, really).
Here's how I see this weekend (haiku style):
1.) Funny People - $28 million
Sandler is worried, his $100 million film streak may come to an end!
2.) G-Force - $21 million
Guinea pigs are good. But guinea pigs in 3D? Now that's just divine.
3.) Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince - $15.5 million
Buck up, young Harry. Transformers wins the U.S. But you're tops elsewhere!
4.) Aliens in the Attic - $14 million
Wants to be Gremlins, but is nowhere near Gremlins. Suck on that, Tisdale.
5.) The Ugly Truth - $13 million
Heigl is on my list. And I don't mean the good list. I mean the bad one.
I don't even need a wildcard this week, I feel that good about things. I'm going to regret that.
Apatow signs 3-picture deal. Projected total running time: 7,134 minutes
Many of you are going to go see Funny People tonight. Judd Apatow thanks you (your bladder doesn't). Your dedication to his brand has granted him a 3-picture deal at Universal, and thus guarantees Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill can continue enjoying inexplicable fame. Now, I'm a fan of Apatow's; his decision to make actual characters and plot lines of consequence in his comedies seems like it shouldn't be revolutionary but really has been. However, his Achilles heel is two-fold (Achilles heels? Achillesi heel?): (1) His films are too GD long and (2) he needs better female characters (and a few less dick jokes). I know that bitching about running times is so easy that even the douchehammer Ben Lyons does it, but seriously, the only way your comedy should be 145 minutes is if 35 of those minutes feature Evangeline Lilly, Rachel McAdams, and Natalie Portman engaging in activity that I know none of them will ever engage in. Trim it down and people will have more laughs per square second and that makes their opinion of the film go up and saves people like me from having to endure more of a movie I would have liked if it were less. As for the better female characters, I know that it's commonplace these days to have cookie-cutter ladies in your R-rated comedy, but seriously dude you can do better. Mix in an actual female writer or at least have one look over your film before you produce another clone of every one of the women in every one of your movies. Jeez, write a funny female character with brains and you'll be hailed as some kind of comedic second coming or, at the very least, not be stoned to death by intelligent women with good aim. Anyway, enjoy your 3-picture deal, Judd.
When I first read the headline from Variety, "Bruckheimer gears up for 'War'", I was really proud. I mean, Jerry Bruckheimer has a lot of money and is really old and yet he still feels so passionately about the freedom of this country (which has afforded him the right to make largely socially irresponsible films and profit greatly from them) that he is willing to serve in our armed forces. Then I realized that the author of the press release had just cleverly disguised the fact that the new movie that Bruckheimer is producing is based on the graphic novel "World War Robot," which is about the struggle of oppressed children in a third-world country who find the strength within themselves to throw off the shackles of their tormentors and run to freedom. I'm kidding, it's about robots and humans fighting one another (sometimes even on the Moon and on Mars). Now, I know what you're thinking: Ryan, didn't we already endure a savage wet willy in the form of the robot opus Transformers 2: Racism Is Almost As Funny As Robots With Balls. Yes, yes we did. But Bruckheimer believes he can do better than that, as racist robots with balls have not yet appeared on Mars. The movie has not yet had a writer assigned to it, but I'm positive that there is a 2nd grader being tasked for the job as we speak. On a personal note, having battled through a terrible ordeal against the growing robot army this week (in the form of a blog server that was a total son of a bitch), I find the subject nothing to glorify or laugh at. When the robots come for us, and trust me they will come for us, we will not be able to turn to Michael Bay or Jerry Bruckheimer to save us all, as they will be the first casualties of war.
Great, now Fox has to find a NEW way to screw this up
BREAKING NEWS (read this all like a news reporter from the 1930s...preferably out loud): After having concocted what seemed to be a perfect plan to make another terrible, terrible movie set in the Alien universe, 20th Century Fox will now be forced to find a new way to squeeze this film into turd shape, because Variety is reporting that they fired the guy who directed a few odd commercials and actually got Ridley Scott back to direct the upcoming prequel, which we can only hope is titled Prealiens (pronounced "pralines"). This is a huge step back for Fox, which has made a tidy living ruining things that should be good. If Fox doesn't act soon, the excitement that some fans may feel about the man who directed the first brilliant installment of the franchise will turn into full-fledged enthusiasm. Perhaps this is all a part of Fox's new, even more devious plan: build excitement before crushing hopes and dreams like grapes beneath feet or hookers beneath John Goodman. Rest assured that the franchise behind Aliens vs Predator 2 can and will find a way to beat this prequel (the story of which hasn't been clarified) into fecal matter quickly. The addition of a dance number, an all-Pussycat Dolls score, or Zac Effron should serve to once more solidify Fox's establishment as the studio that hates you the most. Don't worry, America, soon everything will be as it should be.
In what I can only assume is the opening salvo in the impending and inevitable war in which the machines kill each and every one of us, The Reader's server went all Hal on us for a few days there and turned this blog into something that was updated as infrequently as Mischa Barton's IMDB page. I wasn't at the office for the resolution, which I assume ended in a standoff with the server on one side of the room and a brave soul holding a blowtorch next to an iPod declaring "Turn it back on or I'll do it, you metal son of a bitch, I'LL DO IT!" Point is, we are back and more Australian than ever. This is what counts as an apology for my absence, I'd send flowers but I'm not a wuss.
As luck, fate, and divine intervention would have it, Thursday is the day that I peek inside my "junk drawer," which is a clever construct in which I hit a bunch of news blurbs of interest all at once. Let's recap all of the fun news that you would have gotten sooner if the R2D2-lookin' compu-asshole hadn't decided to wonk out.
Some chick from Twilight I've never heard of is not going to continue being in Twilight and is somehow acting as though she wasn't just spared from a firing squad. Her name is Rachel Lefevre (her last name is French for "Favre"), and she looks like this (thanks to Slashfilm.com for the image):
I could walk past her in a grocery store without noticing. Anyhoodle, she was replaced by Bryce Dallas Howard, a much hotter and more well-known actress (and fruit of Opie's loins), in a move summed up by someone on Twitter (I forget who, it was DAYS ago now) who noted that between Spiderman 3, Terminator 4, and Twilight 3, Howard has really earned her high-school reputation of "girl with worst taste in sequels." What makes this story "interesting" (those were sarcasm quotes) is that the lovely redhead above wasn't so much told by Summit that she was being dumped. This is not the first dick move from the studio, who dumped Catherine Hardwicke after her first directorial effort, as though it were her fault that the Twilight series has all the intellectual integrity of a shitty episode of "Dora the Explorer." Every time you think that this franchise can't sink lower, it manages to abase itself further. Next up: Jennifer Love Hewitt is honestly actively seeking a part. I say do it.
Everyone is peeing their pants over this new Coen Brothers trailer. That includes ol' soggy-pants Ryan
You can't see the Iron Man 2 footage they showed at the San Diego Comic Convention, but you can see a re-enactment that is hilarious.
Not totally geeked for the geek-out-geekfest that is the new Tron movie? Here's the theme for it performed by Daft Punk, who is scoring the film and touring in support of it. Suck some techno, fools.
Universal is doing The Lorax as a 3D animated feature. It has subtle themes of environmentalism, if you think Kathy Griffen is subtle. I am actually really looking forward to this. They should totally get Al Gore to do the voice.
Devin at Chud.com like GI: Joe. I have now slid this movie up a notch on my anticipation scale from "Hey what smells so bad? Oh, God, it's what I'm eating!" to "I'm not sure if this hurts or feels good."
That's it for now. I guarantee there was more I missed, but blame the evil machines for me missing it. It feels so good to be back.
I pretty much go apeshit for anything Spike Jonze touches (I've even considered changing my name to Ryan Zyrek in his honor...well, in his honor and because that's still how my father-in-law pronounces my last name). Even without Jonze directing, his name association with a project is enough to pump up my interest girthier than male enhancement products (too much?). Thus, Variety's news that Jonze (who, by the way, has bagged a veritable who's who of eccentric looking/acting celebs, including Karen O from the Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs and Sofia Coppola) has acquired the rights to a novel has piqued my interest (yesssssss, I can finally cross "using the word piqued in a post" off of my list...seriously, the word is adorable...the little bottom of the "p" and bottom of the "q" face each other like they're hugging the "i"). The book, titled "Light Boxes" is not about boxes of light (well, it could be, but that's not in the plot description). The story follows a town that endures a 1,000 day winter (which I would be cool with if that was how long football season lasted). That's all we get in the way of description, beyond a note that some guy who has never directed a major motion picture (named Ray Tintor, which sounds like an upscale beverage) will be directing this. Don't worry, though, he directed two short films titled " "Jettison Your Loved Ones" and "Death to the Tinman," so I'm sure this film will be horrifyingly weird. Still, I'm excited. You could say....(wait for it)...I'm JONZE-ING for it. Bwahahahahaha.
Weekend Box Office Results: Harry Potter takes a guinea pig in the rump
What's more embarrassing: (A) that Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince couldn't top a guinea pig movie in its second weekend or (B) that America loves guinea pigs voiced by Owen Wilson? I'm going with the latter. I hope America is ready for 7 more direct-to-video spy-based guinea pig movies, and I also hope America is proud that they hurt Harry's feelings. What a bunch of pig-obsessed bullies we are. I only hope this means that, next year, we aren't all shocked when the second week of Iron Man 2 is thwarted by the new movie Action Frogs: Frogs Who Love Action.
Here are the results (haiku style):
1.) G-Force - $32 million (Accuracy of prediction - 79%)
Don't doubt the rodents. They may be quite disgusting, so is Kevin James.
2.) Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince - $30 million (Accuracy of prediction - 87%)
Voldemort aside, Harry's biggest foe is us! We prefer rodents.
3.) The Ugly Truth - $27 million (Accuracy of prediction- 91%)
Now Hiegl's a star. Sandra Bullock is one too. I smell a team-up.
4.) Orphan - $13 million (Accuracy of prediction - 96%)
Blink and you'll miss it, this movie will be gone soon. Like it never was.
5.) Ice Age 3 - $8 million (Accuracy of prediction - 82%)
Nothing left to say. Let's talk about something else. I like burritos.
Overall accuracy of prediction - 87%
Respectable week. Nothing to write home about. Happy Monday gang!
File this one under "I'm not sure how I feel about this" and not in the drawer right next to it "I'm so mad I could stomp a squirrel to death," (just kidding PETA, I really don't have a file that says that and I am in no way fast enough to catch one if I wanted to). Anyhoodle, back to the point at hand, which involves a giant banana chomper (insert off-color jokes here). On the one hand, Peter Jackson's passionate kiss (with tongue) that was King Kong was really effin' good. On the other, it contained almost nothing "new." I'm not talking merely in terms of story, I'm talking in terms of visuals. Nothing it was "ohmygod" breathtaking (other than Naomi Watts in that slip/dress thingie), and most of it felt like a really well done retread of things we've seen over and over and over again. I think that's why everyone just kind of enjoyed it and then never thought about it again. To be sure, there are still those out there who love giant honkin' monkeys, especially ones that fight dinosaurs...which is why Variety's report that Spirit pictures has bought the rights to "Kong: King of Skull Island" is so interesting. Reportedly, the book focuses on the backstory of Skull Island, the coolest place on earth that the white man didn't steal. It goes through the story of how Kong got there, how he became "King," and why there's, you know, DINOSAURS there. Now, I'd really like to see Ray Harryhausen's take on this, complete with stop-motion glory, but instead we're getting motion-capture, a la Robert Zemeckis' new addiction (seriously, dude...it's not that cool...in fact, it's kind of terrifying). The release from Variety also mentions War Eagles, another project that Harryhausen had developed about a fighter pilot who crashes in he arctic and discovers a lost civilization. I love that. It's just such an old-school idea, having some "undiscovered part of the world," when we live in an age where you could just Google Earth the locale and see some Yettis humping. I'm not sure how this will all come together (or if it will), but let's face facts: (1) Giant monkeys are cool, (2) Giant dinosaurs are cool, (3) Giant dinosaur-fighting giant monkeys are really cool, and (4) Ray Harryhausen was really cool. These things I know.
San Diego Comic Convention thoughts....FROM A GIRL!
I should start this by apologizing to young Tessie, who is a beautiful and talented girl whose reputation I besmirched by posting a picture of her where she is, fairly obviously, making a funny face for dramatic effect. It was just wrong of me to suggest that she makes such faces routinely, especially after she sent me the information below. I mean, if she made that sort of face so often that there were many, many photos of her doing it, that would be one thing, but to represent her as ALWAYS making that face based on one image is just irresponsible.
Remember, Tessie, I kid because I love. I'm pretty sure I'm going to get punched for that.
Anyway, the lovely lass did a bang up job providing me with some inside reporting from the con. Here's some highlights of what she had to say below:
She starts with some praise for the new post-apocalyptic flick: "I don't know if it's too late to send you some more detailed info but here it goes. The Book of Eli, starring Denzel Washington, Gary Oldman, and Mila Kunis, looks freaking' sweet...the chemistry between Denzel and Gary is amazing just from the few clips that I saw."
Tess also suggested that she may have fun with the new Cameron Diaz movie (The Box): "Although Diaz totally butchers a Texan accent...the plot is very complicated, involving a man that leaves a box on Diaz's porch, he returns and tells her if she pushes the button on the box, someone she has never met will die and she will receive one million dollars each time she pushes the button."She suggests that Richard Kelly's direction is on point and that the film looks pretty...and so did Diaz, who is also pretty stupid: "Diaz gave away the ending. She said the people who gave her character the box were ****** and they were ****** *******."That info was censored for your safety. If you really want to know, I'll tell you.
Tess also seemed intrigued by the Nightmare on Elm Street remake, noting "From the brief teaser I saw, it seems to be an interesting adaptation from the original. They said they didn't tell the same story, but do reference the old movies...The old Freddie Krueger will NOT make a cameo."Regarding Jackie Earle Haley's performance, she's pretty confident. "He is going to kick ass." She does suggest that there's more actual horror in this one and less, and this is Tessie's words here: "poofy stuff. It could be great, but does have potential to be a Prom Night flop...since it is a remake.
Some things are just a guarantee: "Where the Wild Things Are is going to be amazing.Director Spike Jones worked hand-in-hand with the author of the book to make a movie that is going to stay true to the book but add more adventure;it will show what Max did on his adventures. The creatures take Max on a tour of his kingdom and build an elaborate fort/airplane/boat playhouse made of trees and rocks."
Love Tess's to-the-point Jonah Hex take: "Josh Brolin is going to be a total freakin' badass. John Malcovich plays the antagonist and will more than likely deliver.The main challenge will be Megan Fox, she's on screen with two amazing actors and she plays a hooker so...yeah. She has a raunchy sex scene with Brolin, so she may just be T&A like she was in Transformers."I'm going to guess that's pretty accurate.
Tess also appears to have a girl crush on one of my most beloved actresses, Rachel McAdams, as she sums up the new Sherlock Holmes as follows: "Downey Jr. and Jude Law do well and the amazing Rachel McAdams plays the love interest. From the crowd's response, it's a must see."
In summing up the Tim Burton efforts: "9 is going to be a Burton-esque animated film. It is the feature film directorial debut of Shane Acker, but he was under the wing of two cinematic geniuses. The main challenge for this movie is that it's a PG-13 adult, animated film so they it keep audiences at bay."She's seen "exclusive clips and is a HUGE Tim Burton fan; this movie looks amazing."
But, by far, Tess's biggest experience at the con (and everyone's major critique) involved the following. Enjoy this tale of woe:
This is a true story that happened to me. The Twilight fans were horrible. Everyone at the convention who wasn't a Twilight fan complained about them the whole time. They almost ruined the comicon for everyone. Girls had been camped out for the THURSDAY Twilight panel since MONDAY. I wanted to see Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland panel, but 8500 Twilight fans kept me out. From what I heard from people who got in, the people in front were Twilight fans and didn't give a rat's ass that Tim Burton was there and would rather see Robert Pattinson than JOHNNY MOTHER F***ING DEPP!!!! But anyway, here's my story. At the Summit booth, I spun a wheel and won the TWILIGHT PRIZE PACKAGE, which included a "Limited Edition Twilight Gift Set" and two tickets to an EXCLUSIVE showing of Twilight (the cast was going to be there so it was a big deal). Only 3000 tickets were available, and they sold out 30 seconds after going on sale. After I won the tickets, I picked them up from the booth; the girl giving out the prizes handed them to me and said (this is a direct quote): "Hide these. Girls are going to try and kill you to get these tickets." Scary shit, I know. My younger sister and I waited in a line that went FOUR BLOCKS to get into the showing. While in line, we had a discussion with a 38-year-old mother who only brought one daughter because she "just had to go and see the vampire!" I also witnessed women well over the age of 40 wearing shirts that said "I Heart Boys Who Sparkle" and "I Love Edward Cullen" Robert Pattinson should be very afraid when women who could be his mother are in the same building begging for him to bite their necks. After waiting in line for four hours, it was time to enter the theater. The minute the cast came down it was chaos. I was almost trampled to death by crazy 14-year-old girls just so they could get a picture of Robert Pattinson going down a freaking escalator. Girls even said, "I can't believe I saw Edward going down the escalator!" After that pandemonium, I was then hassled by women showing off Twilight Barbies (the Edward doll has glitter on it so it sparkles in the sun) because I was too close to the display...and by too close I mean girls were shoving me into it. Once we got into the theater, my sister and I sat in the middle of the front row so we would get the closest view of the cast members. Note: We did this not because we wanted so terribly to get a good view, but because we wanted to stick it to the lunatics who kept us from Tim Burton and Johnny Depp. The cast came out (it wasn't Edward or Bella, it was Emmet, Rosalie, and two new vampires...so the girls in the theater didn't even applaud); they answered questions and were very pleasant, even though 2/3 of the room looked like they wanted to eat them. After the movie started my sister got up to try and use the bathroom. Security then yelled at us and told us we couldn't go because "The talent was still in the building and told us if it was such an emergency we could leave." So my sister and I walked out, only to find more crazy Twilight fans still waiting in line to get into theater.
Now, say what you will, that's one brave girl. I particularly like the part where she stuck it to the fans by sitting in their spot. Nice work, Tessie. I almost feel bad for posting goofy pictures of you...almost.
As a point of reference, this is my agent at the Comic Convention. (She's the one having the seizure). The major news reported so far is that the new Nightmare on Elm Street looks to be "darker" than the earlier ones, and early footage was impressive. Tessie, that's the sweetie above, also mentioned that she got to hear some of the score to The Box, which was done by Arcade Fire. More news as it happens. I really just wanted to post this photo.
Ryan's Junk Drawer: Let's hear from people who get paid to go to comic conventions
There's a chance that one of my allies who is current deep behind enemy lines in San Diego with hordes of unkempt, unclean Twilight fans will send me some updates that I will feverishly post as soon as I get them. Then again, she may be (A) too busy to send me stuff or (B) eaten alive by aforementioned Twilight fans because they hate how she speaks in complete sentences that don't end in "which is why I'm getting his name on my lower back." Until then, I can only live vicariously through reports made by people much more wealthy than I am, or at least people who actually get paid some degree of money to slog through the sweaty mass of humanity that is the Comic Convention (seriously, if you've never been to one, it's like shrinking down to the size of a proton and living inside a bead of flop sweat). So, today's junk drawer will feature mostly comic-con bits along with whatever the hell else I feel like because it's my junk drawer and not yours (I kid, if you want to shove something in here, I'll make room).
Let's take a peek at the top 5 tiny tidbits this week:
1.) Avatar is good...will not revive your dead loved ones
The looks at James Cameron's bloated opus have started rolling in...and this time they are from people far less prone to hyperbole and don't orgasm with a feather's touch (for the most part). The three most interesting to me so far are the following:
Devin from Chud - Read his whole reaction HERE. Pull quote: "Not quite as advertised, but impressive...This is an evolutionary jump, not a revolutionary leap. Avatarleft my eyes unf**ked. I didn't experience movies in a whole new way, and nothing I saw on screen left me feeling more than impressed." Bonus video footage...of Devin talking, not of Avatar:
Drew at Hitflix.com - Read his whole reaction HERE. Pull quote: "I'm going to use a sort of a crude metaphor here, so if you're easily offended, skip down a paragraph. I don't mind. Basically, today James Cameron walked into a room with 6,000 people and pulled out his dick and slapped it on the table. With an HD camera pointing right at it."
Adam Quigley and Peter Sciretta at Slashfilm.com - Read their whole reaction HERE. Pull quote: "I don't think it's a revolution, but I think it's one of the coolest looking movies I've seen in 10 years."
So, it sounds pretty much like what I figured: A kick-ass, sure-to-be-beloved movie that will not do anything other than raise production budgets for other similarly themed films, ensuring that we get less of them.
2.) District 9 is every bit as good as I thought it would be
When I saw the first preview for District 9, I flipped my lid (not literally, that would hurt). I could not wait to hear if it was as ball-crushingly awesome as that brief glimpse suggested. According to multiple sources (most of whom are listed above, so I'm not going to bother repeating it), the film is just brilliant. To use Devin once more: "Is District 9 the best film of the summer? Quite possibly. It's certainly the best science fiction film released by a major studio in some time. I loved District 9." The man isn't given to effusive praise easily. I cannot, cannot, cannot wait to see this movie.
3.) It's a sexy trailer party
Here's some trailers for your peepers. These have all premiered this week and look, as the kids say, "rad."
First up is The Book of Eli, which is post-apocalyptic, which means my wife will love it.
Next up is Ninja Assassin because...well, come on, it's Ninja Assassin.
Finally, the one many of you have waited for...the Tim Burton LCD trip that is Alice in Wonderland (which, frankly, barely interests me at this point...I've seen Johnny Depp do his crazy accent/character thing with visuals from Tim that look like this over and over...I mean, I'll see it in IMAX 3D, but only because I want to trip balls).
4.)Roger Rabbitnot dead yet
Answering some questions in pre-convention interviews, Bob Hoskins has said that he and Robert Zemeckis are still kicking around a possible Roger Rabbit return. Then, at the convention, Zemeckis refused to deny that, but did hedge a bit. This needs to happen. I love the first film (even if the Christopher Lloyd character terrified me), and tech has advanced to where this could be great. Just ask James Cameron for his Avatar toys when he's done using them to create nuclear fission.
5.) Twilight fans terrify everyone God invented twitter for moments like this. The three best tweets (both from Devin at Chud...who apparently I have a man crush on today) regarding the Twilight panel:
1.) Being here for the TWILIGHT panel is like experiencing Beatlemania. If the Beatles were horrible.
2.) I love Kristen Stewart for her thinly veiled contempt for her fans.
3.) Is it a plot point in NEW MOON that Jacob buys a heavy metal wig at Spencer Gifts?
Happy Friday, people. I'll be back in a bit with some Box Office Predictions.
I'll be in Chi-town this weekend, watching my beloved Cubbies try to surge into first in the NL Central. This means I'll be so blotched by the second inning that I'll make out with the mascot. Since I'm in this wonderful mood, I'm going to give you a limerick introduction to my haiku predictions (I'm that rhythmic).
New movies this week are craptastic, quite possibly written by spastics. But I'll guess their take, and if mistakes I do make, I may have to do something drastic.
Here's how I see it (haiku style):
1.) Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince - $32 million
Harry gets older, and his movies get wiser. Sounds like a win/win.
2.) G-Force - $25 million
This flick might just win. Mostly because of 3D... and rodent lovers.
3.) The Ugly Truth - $22 million
Could not care any less... and Heigl has baby teeth. This one won't last long.
4.) Orphan - $12 million
Creepy kids scare me, that is not an endorsement. Please do not see this.
5.) Ice Age 3 - $11 million
Next week it's all over. I won't mention this again. Make room for more crap.
WILDCARD: Transformers 2 - $9 million
Please, please go away. How I hate you Michael Bay. That would make my day.
Some 365 days ago, in the spot upon which your gaze is fixed right now, I began what some would call a fool's errand: I attempted to use "the Internet" to log my thoughts on "the web," a little practice I decided to call "logwebbing" (somehow the name didn't catch on). Fast forward a year, andI still haven't managed to get The Reader's Web site upgraded (for those keep track at home, we're entering year 5 of my pleading for change from the current Commodore 64-era style), I've made enemies of public radio (see below), I've come up with 25 things to do besides watch Twilight or a new Miley Cyrus movie (also available by scrolling down), and I've put Nic Cage to better use than anyone besides his wife (yeah, you know what's lurking below this paragraph).
Over this year, I've tried to pick up some good habits, lose some bad ones, make movie rumors entertaining, and generally do my best to keep things interesting around these parts. Really, the only thing I regret is that there hasn't been enough discussion on these here posts. I don't know if that's because the janky format I'm locked into is so unweildy that you can't figure out how, if you don't care to do so because I'm more boring than watching a three-hour documentary on the origin of pancake batter, or if you just generally don't care to comment. Still, I would love to know what you would love to see. I'm a pleaser, honest I am, and I would like nothing more than to please you (wow that sounds dirty, I mean, I was shooting for dirty, but still). So, in addition to whatever present you'd like to send me (email me at film@thereader.com for information about where to send the presents...note that the word there is plural), please drop a note or send an email to that address and let me know what you want from me (after you send me a present).
And now, to further celebrate, I humbly present five of my kind-of-favorite things from the last year of Cutting Room (or at least the ones I could remember).
1.) Someone at PRI knows who I am (April, 2009)
Please, Ira Glass, love me as I love you
So, the other night I'm watching "The Colbert Report," and Ira Glass is on, being his usual charming, nebbish self. As planned, he and Colbert proceed to have a discussion (one that produced a great quip from Colbert about how doing a live version of a radio show is "like entering a novel in a baking contest" and a joke about how strapping Garrison Keillor looks...which, come on, we've ALL thought before). After a bit, they began specifically conversing about how "This American Life" is NOT an NPR show but is produced and distributed by Public Radio International. Colbert specifically makes fun of NPR stating "You don't want to be one of those NPR people." In that moment, I realize that despite being listed as one of the programs on the NPR Web site and being heard almost exclusively on NPR channels, "This American Life" is NOT an NPR show. Why does this nuance matter? Because in my review of Examined Life, I refer to "NPR's 'This American Life.'" Oh well, I figure, who's going to notice or care. It's not like I'm going to get a call from an angry Ira Glass (can Ira Glass get angry...if he does get angry, does it sound like other people when they are happy?) and have him ream me for this. Fast forward one whole day from the article's posting on the Internet...and lo and behold, we're contacted by a PRI media watcher who informs us of our gaffe. Now, on the one hand, I feel bad, because Glass seems to imply some kind of NPR vs PRI feud during his interview (two well-educated, socially aware, liberal-leaning organizations enter ONE SHALL LEAVE). On the other, the people from PRI read something I wrote and made a comment on it. Given how much I love "This American Life" and all of the people on it (Dan Savage and Sarah Vowell are idols in my shrines), and other shows from PRI ("Studio 360" and "Whadya Know" in particular), I don't know whether to count this as a loss for having slightly misattributed something or a win because they somewhat in some way know who I am. Either way, it's something to talk about...and on a Friday, I'll take it. So, officially, meaculpa, it is PRI's "This American Life" and I shant forget again.
2.) Airing of Festivus Grievances (December 2008)
Because the number of interesting film tidbits and items are just as slowed by the mind-numbing frigidity of the weather as my will to live, we're going to do things differently today. Instead of dumping movie news chunks on your eyeballs (that sounded way more disgusting than I wanted it to), we're going to editorialize a bit about three irritating subjects. It's the three bitches of Christmas or, to be less religiously divisive, The Festivus "Airing of Grievances."
Grievance One: Sit the Eff Down
Ladies and gentleman, we are gathered here today not to bitch about cell phone use in the theater (if you do this, you are a malignant douche hammer who believes himself to be beyond such concerns as "other people" and the universe will soon dispose of you as one disposes of single use toilet paper). We are not gathered here to bitch about bringing kids too young to sit through a 3-hour violent war opus or sex-soiled horror film (these people will also one day succumb to the universe's TP disposal methods). No, we are here to bitch about the late arrivers, those who think they can still go see the movie they've arrived 20 minutes late for anyway. Now, the fact that you have no disregard whatsoever for your own money is fine by me...although, do consider that missing 20 minutes of a 2-hour movie is basically the equivalent of pouring the neck of the bottle of Canadian Springs whiskey you spent the last few hours drinking onto the street. No, what I'm worried about is the chain of events that your clock-ignoring ass sets into motion. Step 1: You disrupt the entire theater as you either look for your friends who you are meeting (who should not be your friends because they are decent, punctual human beings) or you fumble around letting your eyes adjust while you hunt for the perfect seat in a theater that has been watching a movie for the last 20 minutes. Step 2: This disruption causes annoyance in other theater members (cough, ME, cough), resulting in a distraction from the plot, events, and mood. If we WERE into the movie's world, we are now reminded that we are actually just in a small box with disrespectful subhuman pigmen. Step 3: YOU have missed the opening of the film. Now, whenever a character arrives on screen to do something, you must lean over and go "Who's she?" and "What is she doing?" Step 4: You are bludgeoned to death with a $16 box of Milk Duds. Look, I get running late, but if you miss by more than the length of the previews (give or take a minute), you are too late and should go to another movie or wait for the next show. Period. No exceptions. In fact, this should be a rule for the theater...NAY, it should be a federal mandate that also grants pardon for the inevitable Milk Dud bludgeoning. You've been warned.
Grievance Two: Don't make me hate trailers like God hates trailer parks
We all know that one of the best things about the movies is seeing previews. I mean, sure, we all know that the new Adam Sandler movie is going to suck, but the trailer is good for a laugh. What's that? You have a cool new, end-of-the-world, special effects orgy movie?! After seeing the trailer once, I've already seen you blow your visual wad, so who needs to see the full thing, which is likely crammed with terrible acting by CW stars. Murder mystery? I bet I can figure out the whole thing by the time you're done playing that Dave Matthews Band song! That said, an interesting thing has happened with previews...we're getting more of them...a lot more of them. Last weekend I sat through 9, count them, 9 previews. I wanted to see 8 of those movies, sure, but after the third I was like "just show me the damn Keanu Reeves movie already" and I have never, ever thought that before. Also, I know I've complained before about giving stuff away in the preview, but nobody's going to change that, but can we talk about shortening the length of those bad boys? I mean, a 90-second spot is all it takes to sell me a Lexus or other fine luxury automobile (at least according to the people who thing that wealthy individuals are watching the Bears game and not schtupping some model), isn't 90 seconds all it should take to convince me that, yes, I do want to see Hugh Jackman as Wolverine disemboweling people again? Too much of a good thing is a bad thing sometimes, just ask Hugh Hefner. I love me some trailers, but only for a few minutes. Sounds reasonable, right?
Grievance three: The only thing longer than the movie was your description of how long the movie was
I've said it before and I'll say it again: no, movies shouldn't be 3 hours long unless they are adapting a 10,000 word book or unless 99% of that runtime features a mostly nekkid Rachel McAdams. Still, you don't have to bitch EVERY time about how long the movie is. Here's the thing, they've invented a device called the "Internet." On it, you can see the running time for the movie you are considering watching and then complaining about. What I'm saying is, this should not come as a surprise to you. Thus, when I ask you afterward what you thought, do not say to me "Well, it was long." Really? Really, time master, you think? Yes it was long, but was it good? If you say "it didn't sustain its run time," I at least find you a competent being but "it was long" is not a commentary its a statement of fact. If you're one of those people with the attention span of a fruit fly who can't finish the latest Dean Koontz book because its "too long," maybe you shouldn't be seeing movies that have a run time higher than your IQ. Find something new to complain about! Whine about lighting, or makeup, or dialogue, or plot, or the guy next to you who showed up 20 minutes into the movie, or about how long/plentiful the trailers were. Slip the whining about the length into the middle and we may even stay friends afterwards. You never know!
Well folks, that's my Festivus grievances. If you have your own, I encourage you to leave them. It's very therapeutic.
3.) I hate Twilight soooooo much (November 2008)
And now (just because): 25 Things I'd Rather Do Than See Twilight
1.) Wash my car, not just using a rag and soapy water in 30-degree weather, but with my tongue while wearing only circa-1986 "I heard it through the grapevine" California Raisins underoos.
2.) Watch an all day marathon of "Hannah Montana" without the benefits of hallucinogens or blindness.
3.) Discuss politics with family members, some of whom are among the 13% who think Bush is doing a "totally awesome job."
4.) Make out with Kevin Costner.
5.) Tell people I've made out with Kevin Costner.
6.) Eat clam chowder from the new restaurant "Floyd's Year-Old Milk Product Cafe."
7.) Be forced to make small talk with Ryan Seacrest (sample conversation: "So, hair products then?")
8.) Write an episode of "Two and a Half Men."
9.) Watch an episode of "Two and a Half Men."
10.) Learn to lambada ("the forbidden dance") with a first-degree relative.
11.) Listen to a whole Jessica Simpson song.
12.) Re-categorize my CD collection according to the colors on the album cover.
13.) Publicly defend NASCAR.
14.) Invent a new language consisting only of variations in the tone of armpit farts.
15.) Set foot in a Hot Topic.
16.) Balance the federal budget while Gilbert Gottfried and Carrot Top stand on either side of me telling "jokes."
17.) Watch an all-day marathon of "Sex and the City" with the friends of the people who claim to have friends "just like that."
18.) Transcribe the Koran into Klingon.
19.) Ask Tom Cruise to "convince me that Scientology rules."
20.) Have a conversation lasting more than 20 seconds with any contestant on the following: "The Bachelor," "The Bachelorette," "Rock of Love," "Bang Tila Tequila," "Real Chance at Love," "Charm School," "Flavor of Love," "I Love New York," and "Wipeout."
21.) Explain basic algebra to any Lohan.
22.) Reprogram my car radio to only receive "Hannity" and "Limbaugh."
23.) Get a tattoo of Brett Favre.
24.) Gamble my life savings on a game of Euchre.
25.) Actually read one of the God-forsaken, amateurish books that Twilight was based on and explain to the legion of she-fans why this writing is, in fact, wretched.
4.) I hate Miley Cyrus almost as much as I hate Twilight (July 2009)
25 THINGS I WOULD RATHER DO THAN SEE THE NEXT MILEY CYRUS MOVIE
Three words: Wayans. Brothers. Marathon.
Write a novel based on each and every Taylor Swift song.
Thoroughly test the FDA's expiration date practices on cheese and cheese-related products.
Watch Hilary Duff do something other than release her death rattle.
Invent hairstyles for back hair (first up: the hind-quarter mullet).
Invest my life savings in a line of "According to Jim" merchandise.
Become Patient Zero in the upcoming "Hippopotamus Flu" epidemic.
Move to Wasilla, Alaska.
Invite a few Exes over for "hey, what the hell IS wrong with me?" night.
Disprove the theory that I wouldn't last long in a maximum security prison.
Family reunion? I'll take three please.
Finally meet Bono, only to say "I preferred you better with Cher."
Create a new Wii game based on vomit simulation.
Go on a three-day C-Span bender without the benefit of hallucinogens.
Violently defend with flailing hand gestures and obscenities the position that "Paul Blart is to the modern comedy what Monet was to impressionism."
Who's gonna eat that? I'M gonna eat that.
Give nothing but old TV guides to people for Christmas.
Write strongly worded emails to news media outlets inquiring why they're just sweeping this whole Michael Jackson thing under the rug.
Convince Brett Farve he SHOULD play again.
Toilet paper? Who needs toilet paper.
Tempt the hedge clippers by landscaping nude.
Yes, honey, we SHOULD buy three cats.
Have a conversation with Michael Bay that doesn't involve making explosion noises with our mouths.
Set foot in Texas for reasons other than a second ice age.
Turn this blog into a Scientology-based forum titled "The Beasts at the Heart of Space...and So Can YOU!"
5.) The best clip on the Internet (September 2008)
Happy b-day bloggites. Hit me up (film@thereader.com), I'll be ready for my presents any time now.
Not liking Bruce Lee is like not liking oxygen. It's like a given, you really don't have a choice in the matter. Some people may say "hey, Ryan, that's really just a guy thing." Well, not so fast my sexist rhetorical question asker. Ladies love them some Bruce Lee, too, as evidenced by the fact that almost all of the ladies I know have actually heard of the guy despite (A) not being a fan of kungfu, (B) never having seen one of his movies, and (C) never having been alive while he was (he died 36 years ago). Anyway, news came this week that his family has once more profited from their DNA by opitioning a three part biopic about the legend. Let me say that again THREE PART biopic. Hominahominahomina (if you could see it right now, my eyes are doing the Tex Avery bug out). The dude lived 32 years, and I'm guessing that years 1-9 can be pretty easily summed up with a montage of potty training. One of the reasons the family members gave for selling the rights (other than the actual one: a desire to have more money) is that there have been "many inaccuracies" about Lee. That's fine and all, but I'm not keen to watch 6+ hours of "fact." Seriously, they have whole cable channels that show that stuff all day long. No, part of what makes Lee interesting is the legend, the myths, and downright impossibilities about the man. Hell, if it were me...well, if it were me I wouldn't make any movies at all, but that's beside the point. If FORCED to make this trilogy, I would spend the first film covering his whole life, the second film blending his film roles into some kind of cool meta-take on his life, and the third film would be totally insane, like animated or something. I just can't see following 32 years of even the most interesting human's life. Sometimes, I wonder about following 32 years of my own.
This just in: Comic book property to become MOVIE!
Right now, if you have an idea for a comic book about a cybernetic armadillo you can probably sell the idea for half a million dollars, even if you haven't written a single word or drawn so much as a bug-eyed rendering of Robodillo on a napkin. So, if you're a comic creator who has, you know, actually created good stuff that has been published and everything, you pretty much have gold on your hands (and not in a creepy Goldfinger way). If you wanted to, you could do a "comic book-turned-movie news of the day." Case in point: Variety is reporting that Watchmen producer Lloyd Levin (oh, and piss off, Watchmen was really good, if you don't agree, you are wrong) has acquired the rights to Echo, a comic book written and drawn by Terry Moore (best known for writing realistic and interesting female characters and then drawing them with huge bazooms). The comic follows one of those aforementioned interesting big-knockered women who gets in the way of a military experiment and becomes a walking nuclear bomb. She's a hot female who could destroy everything (kind of like Megan Fox). I like Levin, whose Hellboy movies kicked ass and whose upcoming Green Zone could blow us away (remember that), and I really like that we have a female character to follow here...but COME ON! This idea is like the origins of 99% of superheroes since the first time a muscular dude put on some spandex. I mean, seriously, she gets "science experiment metal" poured on her and becomes a walking bomb?! 1972 called and they would like their concept back! Sigh, this is just anger that I feel for not having created my own comic that would be instantly optioned into a movie. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go try to sell Robodillo for six figures to Miramax.
Nerds who live life vicariously through video game to live life vicariously through movie based on video game
I have to tell you, Sam Raimi is a glutton for punishment. I'm not just talking about his repeated willingness to tolerate the presence of Kirsten Dunst (ZING!), I'm talking about his sick desire to work on projects with budgets slightly smaller than the deficit in California. Variety has announced that one-time cult favorite turned total sell-out Raimi (yeah, he totally Yorke-d a Leon...if you don't know what that means, go here) will direct Warcraft, which is based on the video game "World of Warcraft," which is based on the theory that humans don't need physical touch to live. Raimi will have his head so far up geek ass next year that he will be simultaneously "overseeing the development" of Warcraft while actually shooting Spiderman 4 (if life were a sitcom, Raimi would end up getting things mixed up and insert Spidey into a crazy medieval world of wizards and witches, but everything would work out just fine in the end when Danny Tanner has a heart-to-heart). Warner Bros, the studio perhaps best known for their big event movies, realized that the Harry Potter cash cow has been milked so violently that only nickels are dropping from its teats, and sees this new series as a potential big one...despite, you know, not having a set story really. Honestly, I can see where the appeal for the game is, but the movie just sounds so generic that I have no clue how you'd make a unique story out of it. (Who wants to bet there's a roguish anti-hero who just wants to be left alone but really has a heart of gold, some kind of brute who is used as comic relief, and a hot magic chick with a secret...yes, I too have once talked to a 14-year-old nerd). I'm guessing there is evil to be defeated, and that fans will nut themselves everytime one of the people on screen performs some goofy magic spell that they clicked into a computer while in their underpants at home. I think that signing Raimi is as good a move as could be made to make this interesting to those of us who have not been swallowed whole by the "World of Warcraft" craze (although I wonder if all of them are even interested in a movie version), but my excitement level is only a beige on the Color-Coded Anticipation Scale.
Can we call fans of Atlas Shrugged "Shrug Huggers?"
One of the things I like to do when nobody's watching is Google myself. You should try it. The first thing I found when I did this awhile back is that there is a dogged watchgroup with eyes trained on all things Ayn Rand, and they reposted something I wrote about the stalled-out film version (then starring Angelina Jolie). I thought that was cool and vowed I would cover any advances in the development of that film. That was three years ago. But I am nothing if not vigilant (that means lazy, right?), and today The Hollywood Reporter rewarded my vigilantism by letting me know that Charlize "One-step-better-than-Cameron-Diaz" Theron is meeting with producers and wants to star as Dagny Taggart. Theron is supposedly concerned about "losing the many nuances of the novel," despite having failed to prove in the past that she is familiar with what a "nuance" is (maybe she's thinking of nougat, you know, like in candy bars). So the idea is to turn it into a miniseries on a new pay-cable network that Lionsgate is forming with MGM and Paramount. In order to cover all of the material, the miniseries will last approximately 87 years. Also, Shrug Huggers should beware: This ruse IS designed to get the book's fans to subscribe to the pay site, Epix, which is not spelled right. Time is of the essence, as the deal mandates that filming must start before 2010, or rights issues get tricky (like rocking around the clock). So, Shrug Huggers, the official update is that a star who isn't Angelina Jolie is having meetings to maybe play the lead in what may be a miniseries that may shoot sometime in the next few months on a channel that doesn't exist yet. Sadly, this is somehow forward movement for this project. Until the next update: I remain vigilantic.
I don't know each and every one of you reading this right now...okay, maybe I do, I just don't know that I do. But I do know that at least some of you reading this are apeshit nerds for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and aren't even shy or ashamed about that like you should be. Need I remind you that there was a movie of said martial-artist reptiles that featured VANILLA ICE repeated yelling "Go ninja, go ninja, go!" See:
If you are a fan of TMNT, you are okay with that. Anyhoodle (yes, I'm aware I mocked others for watching TMNT and then used "anyhoodle"...deal with it), Variety is reporting that a writer has been hired to bring the little headband wearing mothertruckers back to life in live-action form. That writer's name is John Fusco and he also wrote Young Guns and Hidalgo. Wait...what? Horses and turtles have nothing in common! Seriously, have you tried to ride a turtle? It sucks, as they are very smooshable. Horses, notsomuch. Although I hope this means more work for Emilio Estevez (who is more than willing to do a terrible Asian accent for Splinter), I'm a little concerned about what this means for the turtles. See, Hidalgo was basically a love story between a dude and his horse. I'm not okay with that. This means we could be seeing some human-on-turtle action, and we've got kids to think about here. I'm not sure the tone they're going to go for (I heard it will be serious), but I have to encourage them to go for the humorous angle. You simply can't sell this concept in live-action form and have it not end with this:
Headlines are tough, Variety...but maybe you try harder?
I only quibble because it seems a little distasteful for Variety to announce that Uma Thurman will play a woman who helped rescue 140 schoolgirls abducted in Uganda who were turned into soldiers with the headline "Uma Thurman is a Girl Soldier." Well...not really. See, Thurman will be playing someone who HELPED the girl soldiers out. So, you could have said "Uma Thurman helps Girl Soldier" or "Uma Thurman to save Girl Soldier" without implying that she was going to play a suffering Ugandan. Just saying. Now, onto the movie itself, which sounds important and chilling, like a Margaret Atwood book in the freezer. The film follows the book "Stolen Angels," about a 1996 raid on a band of armed rebels who kidnapped girls and turned them into sex slaves and soldiers. For her part, Thurman seems passionate about the project, noting that the subject of child soldiers is overlooked far too often. Effing A agreed on that one, Uma. Also, it's kind of nice to see Uma working again. She had been pushed into the well that women of "a certain age" are forced to fall down in Hollywood, despite showing in Kill Bill (most recently) that she can act the shit out of most parts she's given. If she plays her cards right, this could be the type of role that gets her some Academy love. She could be doing the Mickey Rourke career resurrection two-step without having to go through the terrible drug abuse or having to look like Mickey Rourke.
I would pay to see Seth Rogen actually fight Nic Cage
I don't think anybody really knows what the hell is going on with The Green Hornet. Seriously, after years of development, I'm not even sure I can identify the color green. The only theory I have is that the act of making this movie is some kind of performance art designed to make the heads of people like yours truly do the Scanners thing. Oddly enough, I believe this reaction to be the same one people have to this video shown to me via a post by my good friend Dave DeMarco.
Total aside, but my reaction to this footage was five fold: (1) I didn't know the dude who sang Chocolate Rain got his start in gay porn. (2) I'm 99% sure that if you tear off that guy's fake beard, underneath you'll find Nicholas Cage. (3) I will buy whatever beardo is selling. (4) Someone should wake up whoever fell asleep on the keyboard in the background. (5) If anyone has a copy of the screenplay, I ... Read Moreneed it. I want to make sure that the stage direction reads "Man with beard looks like he's orgasmically passing a kidney stone while Urkel develops Asperger's syndrome."
Anyhoo, back to the issue at hand. A brief stroll through the troubled timeline of Green Hornet is like taking a survey of a codependent's relationship history: It's scary, confusing, and you can understand the desire to sleep with most of the people involved. It began with news that Seth Rogen was going to shed the pounds (which he has, presumably using Dr. Leo Spaceman's methamphetamine diet "Do the Meth") and take on the role of the costumed crusader who had some link to The Lone Ranger. Steven Chow, the director of Kung Fu Hustle and earnest goofball, was slated to play Kato. "Ah," said the movie world, "We're getting a comedy." Notsofast my assumption-making reader. Rogen then assured the world that he was making a pseudo-serious film with kick-ass action. Then the film supposedly fell apart. Then Chow decided not to direct (if he ever was). Then they brought in Michael Gondry (because who doesn't think "let's get the guy who did Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind to do a generic superhero movie). Then Chow left. That brings us to the immediate past when two rumors began to be floated like turds in a spacious toilet. First came word that Cameron "No discernible talent" Diaz was thinking about the female love interest role (for a second, you thought she was going to be Kato, didn't you). Now comes word from Variety that Nic "I make Cameron Diaz seem talented" Cage is circling the role of the villain (in the movie, not in life...in life, he's got that part locked up). So, if you're keeping score at home, the movie has no Kato, possibly has Diaz and Cage, and Michael Gondry directing. Oh, and they're supposedly starting the shoot in a month or two. Oh, and the script could, according to Rogen who helped write it, go more serious or more comedic depending who they cast as Kato. Oh, and they're thinking about Dane Cook for Kato (okay, that one I made up). Insanity, Green Hornet be thy name.
Weekend Box Office Results: Unlike the Harry Potter series, my good luck ends
I was on one of those legendary streaks, having done insanely well in this box office game that no one cares about but me for literally months now. I hadn't missed a top 5 finish in at least 9 weeks, maybe longer (I don't know for sure how many, I can't count on Mondays, it's against my religion). I was feeling good about myself, you know, like maybe things were looking up for old Ryan. Plus, it's my blog-a-versary this week (Thursday, but you already know that and have mailed the presents by now...right?), so I was hoping for something special. Then came this weekend, when the fifth place film and the eight place film were decided by less than $800,000 (which is, you know, more money than I'll see in a lifetime but is relatively small in box office terms). The result of this combined with the infinite sorrow of the previous Twilight news is a Monday for the ages. I'm sadder than the saddest sad panda.
Here are the (sad) results (in Haiku form, per usual):
1.) Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince - $79.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 91.5%)
It's beloved worldwide, but can't top Transformers here. Harry - 0, Bay - 1
2.) Ice Age 3 - $18 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)
Extinction is slow, why can't this movie just die? Evolution? Please.
3.) Transformers 2 - $14 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)
I just have one thought. Please, Michael Bay...go away before I hurt you.
4.) Bruno - $8.3 million (Accuracy of prediction - 82%)
Talk about failing! It dropped nearly three quarters. Borat 2 anyone?
5.) The Hangover - $8.25 million (Accuracy of prediction - 0%)
Nice to see you back. Thanks for ruining my good streak. Now please leave again.
Overall accuracy of prediction - 74%
Dog days of summer loom before me. Quite scary. Happy Monday, gang!
Twilight forces me to reevaluate my favorite musicians
You have to give it to Twilight, it is taking the art of sucking to levels that previously had only been achieved by mid-90s rappers and ex-girlfriends. I generally treat any news from the series like close relatives fornicating: I know it's happening, but I'm going to hide from it like my sanity depends on it (because it does). But then Slashfilm.com turned me on to a Rotten Tomatoes article that I swear to God I only glanced at long enough to find the related information I needed (and even that was too long, as I got a peak at what I presume is the "werewolf pack" in the film standing together in shirtless, non-werewolf form, in which they look like they're standing in line for a Banarama reunion or starring in a new ad for "Le Douche," a cologne that smells of flop sweat and desperation). In this article, the following was spoken by Chris Weitz, director of the next installment of the series (and, as such, total asshole): When speaking of who is included in the next soundtrack, Weitz said "The criterion will still always be what's right for the movie at that given moment, but Thom Yorke is interested; we might, if we're very lucky, get Kings of Leon to do something." Wow...just...wow. I just did my "25 things I'd rather do than (fill in the blank)" installment, but allow me to give you my top 5 reactions to this news:
1.) I hereby demote Kings of Leon to Princes of Excrement. 2.) The other members of Radiohead, who collectively weigh 73 pounds soaking wet and must use their combined might to open a jelly jar, are going to beat the shit out of Thom Yorke. 3.) I would like to hereby change the term "selling out" to "Yorke-ing a Leon." 4.) This means 20 million tween girls are going to own the same music I do. 5.) At least I now have a bar to measure disappointment against. "Oh, it's bad, but it isn't Thom Yorke doing Twilight music bad."
I love, deeply love, both Yorke and Leon, so this news is like finding a copy of one of these novels on my wife's side of the bed. This is going to take awhile to get over, people. Happy Monday.
In my personal Twilight Zone, it's William Shatner on the plane wing
How it has taken this long, I'll never know, but the sleepless news robots at Variety have informed me (and now, as of this post, the whole world) that WB and Leonardo DiCaprio's Appian Way production company (remind me that some day soon I want to do a blurb on all the stupid-ass production company names out there...perhaps with the stupid-ass logos should I feel so inclined and ambitious) are making a new Twilight Zone movie, and have signed writer Rand Ravich, whose name sounds like a made-up villain in a 1980s Sylvester Stallone movie. The terse release from Variety describes the "Twilight Zone" TV series as having "melded fantasy, science-fiction, and horror elements," but we all know it was so much more than that. It gave credibility to the trio of genres, taking them directly into the mainstream and producing many insanely good half-hours of TV ever made (who cares if several of them sent me into such a terrified state that I now tinkle at the sight of almost every wide-eyed dollie). That said, the idea of having the guy who directed The Astronaut's Wife write the script isn't instilling a huge deal of confidence in me. If they were smart, they wouldn't rely on one guy writing the whole thing and they wouldn't remake classic episodes from the series, mash them up into one barely digestible lump, and call it a movie. They would make either (A) an anthology series, giving themselves a brand name to hang on various genre projects (for example, Twilight Zone: Don't Go In The Closet With That Dollie) or (B) have different (and preferably talented) filmmakers contribute short segments (you know damn well Del Toro is in, but you may get a Michael Gondry or a Martin Scorsese...just imagine the directors you could get to play with a short film like that, maybe people who aren't familiar with the genres, like an Alexander Payne, who has already done some vignette work on film...I'm just rambling now, but I so rarely have good ideas that I want to enjoy this one). What I like is that this doesn't feel dirty (so long as they don't just recycle ideas from the original show), and if they use my wonderful, brilliant ideas above, could be a modern gateway for these genres. Sure, sci-fi and fantasy have gotten big boosts in respect lately (what with LOTR winning Oscar), but horror could use a good kick in the pants. So, what I'm saying is, on the Remake Reaction Scale (where a 1 is "you motherhumpers, I'll kill you, so help me God, I'll kill you" and a 10 is, "You know what, I'm okay with this, you can stop the lithium feed, Doctor"), this one scores an 8!
