Weekly Round-Up

So what did we learn this week?

We learned that there may be Gremlins a'rumblin'.
We learned that 2009 was a good year.
We learned that Tuesday cannot get here fast enough.
We learned that this past Tuesday had tidbits.
We learned that George Lucas has a secret.
We learned that there are still things to buy me.
We learned that my junk has staying power.

Not bad work. Not bad at all. Stay safe. Have a great weekend. See you Monday!!!

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Gee. I wonder what will win this weekend? Why, could it be Avatar, the movie that is quickly fostering hate inside of my belly like a piece of wire accidentally ingested by a cow? Months ago, when I saw the film, I thought it was a fun piece of pop candy. I didn't have it pegged for all-time box office domination, so I didn't mind it. Now that it's no longer Avatar but AVATAR!!! I kind of hate it. It may not be fair, but fair is for wussies. With that, I give you my unnecessarily hate-filled, Avatar-topping forecast for the weekend box office.

Here are the predictions (haiku style).

1.) Avatar - $28 million

ENOUGH ALREADY
You now have all the records.
Please feel free to leave.

2.) Edge of Darkness - $24 million

Mel Gibson is back!
He served his time in limbo.
Sugar tits is back!

3.) The Book of Eli - $9 million

Slouching towards a hit
thanks to a lack of options.
January sucked.

4.) When in Rome - $8.5 million

Darling Kristen Bell
why would you make this movie?
I mean, Josh Duhamel?

5.) Legion - $8 million

Nice total last week
Time for you to slip away
We won't remember

WILDCARD - The Tooth Fairy - $7 million

Shame on you, The Rock.
Shame on you a thousand times.
Fame is done with you.

Along came Polley

Sarah Polley starred in Go, one of the best underrated films of all time for my money, but you probably know her from the Dawn of the Dead remake. She looks like this.
Really, that's all irrelevant, because she's a director now. Ya-boo! As you may be aware, females can, in fact, be directors, a fact that Hollywood is slowly realizing after a short century. Whenever a promising young female talent comes up behind the camera, I want to promote that extensively to remind studios that said cameras aren't operated by use of the dingus. So let's all get the excitement rolling for Take This Waltz, which sounds damn good. It's about a woman who has lotsa affairs and realizes she's addicted to the honeymoon phase of relationships. The script was on the black list (the list of hot scripts no one has made into movies yet), and the movie will star this guy:
This awesome girl (Michelle Williams)
And supposedly one more "star to be named later" to round out the cast. It's unknown whether Rogen will play the hubbie that gets cheated on or the guy doing the cheating. All that's known is that Williams will be forced to pretend to want Seth Rogen (I kid). Williams has quietly turned into a bad-ass actress, and I'm excited to see this combination of great script, promising young (FEMALE!) director, and talented young actors. Why, it's almost as though quality is enough of a reason to be excited for a film beyond hype and shenanigans (oh, how I loathe shenanigans).

Bobin to the Muppets

When it comes to opening theme songs, there's "The Muppet Show" and then there's everybody else.

Wow. Quasi-orgasmic. That just got me excited for John Cleese. JOHN CLEESE. No one has been excited for John Cleese in almost 2 decades, so that's impressive. I'm seriously contemplating some adaptation of this for my funeral. Anyhoodle, the news associated with this post is that Vulture is reporting the co-creator of "Flight of the Concords," James Bobin, has been offered the right of first refusal on directing the upcoming, Jason Segal-scripted, big-screen Muppet return. I don't yet know what comical misadventures our fuzzy friends will be engaged in, but I do know that I am so stupid excited for this that I am practically meeping like Beeker. Bobin has a relationship with Judd Apatow, as does Segal, which bodes well for the type of comedy we'll be getting. Then again, that was kind of to be expected given the nostalgia factor expressed by Segal in almost every interview. I don't think the studio realizes what kind of phenomenon they can have on their hands if they play things right. Between people from my age group (let's call that the 25+ group...just to be living in denial) and the market for children (the flippin' Squeakquel did north of 200 milly), this could be a well-timed cultural supernova. Watch out Avatar! I'm sicking Gonzo on your ass!

Ryan's Junk Drawer

Hey everybody, it's Thursday, which means your wait to see my junk is finally at an end! Weekly explanation: My junk refers to movie news tidbits that aren't big enough to warrant their own entire story. It's also just an excuse to make jokes about genitalia, as in: "Everyone should see my junk, it's really spectacular this week...it will likely get you pregnant." Okay, that last part didn't work, but I was thinking about "30 Rock," so I wanted to talk about getting something pregnant. Another weekly game we play is to examine the image above from Highlights Magazine for Children (it didn't specify, but I believe the creepy image above suggests it's actually "Highlights Magazine for Sociopathic Children"). We look at it, pick an item, and make up some chilling and weird story about it...you know, for funsies. Today's item is the game token (looks like a quarter) in the middle. Sam grew up loving arcade games and dreaming of a world just like The Last Starfighter, where he would be whisked away to another space universe and heralded as their champion for his unmatched skill in playing "Space Swords." After spending almost all of his allowance, then half his paycheck, then everything but his alimony payments, Sam finally gave up, tossing his last token in the junk drawer. Sadly, had he played that last game, Gleepglorp from the planet Schlubby would have flown down and retrieved him so that he could help overthrow the evil overlord that was keeping the good people of planet Schlubby enslaved. Oh well!

Here's this week's junk, exposed for all to see.

1.) Mel Gibson is back with Black - Shane Black is directing Cold Warrior, a movie about a Cold War spy who unretires to save the world with a young, nubile co-agent (I may have added the nubile part), featuring Mel Gibson (as the non-nubile one). That was a really long linked sentence. Anyway, this is cool because Black directed Gibson in Lethal Weapon, you remember, back when Mel Gibson was "Action-star Mel Gibson" and not "Mel 'Sugar Tits' Gibson," which is actually a way cooler nickname. Despite the fact that Black did not write the script, it is his first directorial effort since Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, which would probably make my top 10 favorite movies ever. Seriously. Here's a clip from it.



As far as who will play the agent who helps Mel's formally retired Cold War spy, it's the usual list of Shias and Ashtons, but I'm holding out hope for Ryan Gosling, who I believe still makes movies but am no longer sure.

2.) Avengers assembled! - In a sure sign that we're headed towards the moment we've all been waiting for (and be "we all" I mean me), Kevin Feige confirmed the lineup for the Avengers movie. According to Feige (which I believe is pronounced like "beige" but I wish was pronounced like "fig") "…its three people, four including Hulk , five including Nick Fury - who you have seen before in other movies, coming together for the very first time." To give you a visual indication, it's the following:

Plus Sam Jackson, lookin' all "patchy." This is good. This doesn't mean that we may not see Hawkeye or the Wasp in a cameo, but I actually think keeping the roster low is a great idea. Not only will it help with believability (barring the Norse God and all), but it helps keep characterization possible, which is nice. More than any other comic book movie, I'm looking forward to this one.

3.) We have a late entry for "Worst Idea Ever" - Miley Cyrus and Demi Moore are making a movie together...a movie called LOL. That sentence should be enough to make most people cry blood and vomit their dreams up. If you had a loved one kill themselves after reading that sentence, I apologize but comfort yourself in knowing that they won't ever live in a world where Miley Cyrus and Demi Moore HAVE made a movie together. The description of the film doesn't do any favors either, so if you're on the suicide fence after what I said earlier, look away. According to Variety, "The pic tells the story of a 15-year-old girl who, dumped by her more sexually experienced boyfriend, sets her sights on his best friend. At the same time, her 40-year-old divorcee mother is struggling to move on with her life. The fraught relationship between mother and daughter provides the film with its narrative backbone, along with the younger generation's obsession with instant messaging." Yep, it's all the fun of text-message conversation combined with Miley "how am I an oversexualized object when I starred in a Disney show and have teeth that would make Mr. Ed shy away" Cyrus and Demi "I'm more robot than woman at this point" Moore. It's based on a foreign film. And by foreign, I can only assume they mean forged in hell. If you make me angry, I will find a way to make you see this.

4.) Knockout's title is seeming more and more apropos - Bill Paxton is replacing Dennis Quaid and Antonio Banderas is joining Channing Tatum, Gina Carano, Ewan MacGregor, Michael Douglas, and Michael Fassbender in Steven Soderbergh's Knockout, a film that sounds like "Alias." On the one hand, the cast is suspiciously interesting. On the other, it kind of sounds like the cast to Vantage Point. I do think that if you can trade a Quaid for a Paxton, it's a good swap (like trading a Kutcher for a Gosling). Plus the script is by Lem Dobbs, who wrote The Limey, which is a great movie nobody saw. I'm cautiously optimistic about this one, but it will probably dovetail into out-and-out nausea when Carano, the former American Gladiator, opens her pie hole in the trailer. Oooh, maybe the script makes her mute?! If not, I suggest a late-hour rewrite, because if everyone else talked and she just kicked people in the dome, I'd be totally pumped. Also, Antonio Banderas needs this to reignite his career so he can get out of the house. Seriously, have you SEEN Melanie Griffith lately? Woah.

5.) Trailers, Parked - Not a big week for trailers...again. So I had to dive deep into my bag of weird shit to find anything fun. What do I have for you? Well, first up is Mother, a Korean film by the director of The Host, which was really quite good. This one does not feature a tentacled beast, or at least I don't think so...



Repo Chick is a spiritual sequel to Repo Man, which starred Emilio Estevez, whose name I don't think I've ever mentioned in this blog (huzzah for a new mention!). This looks like it was made for a buck fifty, reminds me of Tank Girl (which I liked), and seems to be a giant acid trip filmed in front of a green screen. I may see it just to get a legal high.



Cyrus features John C Reilly, Jonah Hill, and the still EXCRUCIATINGLY hot Marissa Tomei (eat it, Demi, she's all natural). I love so much about this trailer, from Reilly's brutal honesty "I'm like Shrek" to Hill's apparent psychosis. PS - I love living in a world where Jonah Hill gets to be famous. That rules.






Okay, that's it. Really epic junk this week, I know. Pass it on to your friends, I'm sure your friends would also like my junk.

Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 18)

I just realized that we're going to have some kind of "column" type feature every day of the week starting next week! That's kind of cool, right? Monday will be Weekend Box Office Results (Haiku Style), Tuesday will be Lost Predictions (I need a better title for that one), Wednesday will be both Lost Reactions (again, better title needed) AND Things You Should Buy Me, Thursday is Ryan's Junk Drawer, and Friday is Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions. Lord do I suddenly have an organization boner. That's just so regimented and orderly that I can barely stand it! Speaking of things I can't stand, I'm actively trying to get Roadside Attractions, who have been AWESOME in the past, to send me a screener of Mystery Team so I can get a review up prior to the DVD release. You know, it's not like me to beg (ahem), but I desperately "want to go to there."



For as much as my loved ones have, over the holiday season, done exactly what this here column asks them to do (namely, buy me things), I would love to shift into "Things You Should Comp Me Because I Will Promote the Shit Out of Them." Which is more of where I'm coming from with this week's entries:

1.) Say "Bonjorno" to the best action figure ever - Slashfilm.com has an awesomely detailed look at the first action figure I've hungered for in a few years. Hot Toys is debuting this beauty, at 1/6 accurate scale, and it has all sorts of interchangeable gadgets and gizmos. Ladies and gentlemen, I give unto you: Lt. Aldo Raines.
I know, it's crazy. It comes with all of this:
Seriously, I know that I'm too old to play with toys, but this isn't a toy. This is a miniaturized Nazi-killin' machine. That detail?! Those knives?! Those guns?! The ability to walk around going "Grazi" and "I WANT MY SCALPS" while fidgeting with a teeny tiny Brad Pitt?! I know the retail will probably be about $200 bucks but...I would be willing to keep it for free.

2.) The ultimate nerd/horror buff Valentine's day - Okay, so Valentine's day is mostly designed for loveless older couples and teenagers who need an excuse to get their horny on. It's a dumb-ass holiday that serves no purpose and I love to mock it. That said, the following gifts from ThinkGeek are the only way to keep the stupid-ass non-holiday (noniday) cool. How's about a gummy heart that bleeds when you bite into it?

See, you devour it?!

Nothing says love like THIS kind of candy! Not for you? Well, do you prefer the affections of a many-tentacled demonic creation? Then I have the air aroma for you! It's the Malignant Dreams of Cthulu in Love scent for your incense burning thingie!
Nothing says love like the sweet embrace of a Lovecraftian monster. And nothing better captures that feeling than the fragrance above. This is genius.

3.) This is funny, I don't care that it's shallow - I know this is simplistic, but you have to admit you laughed.
Get it? It's the Beatles. Get it? Whatever, it's funny.

That's it for today, gang. I'll do better tomorrow when I get to show off my junk.

No mo Lobo

Nobody really needed a movie about Lobo, a comic book character created I can only assume on some kind of dare. The one-note figure went around doing dumb shit and saying words like "bastiches," which made people laugh because it sounded like bastards (teeheehee). So, count me one of the many who could care less that LAT’s Hero Complex blog's chat with producer Joel Silver seems to suggest that Guy Ritchie is bailing on Lobo for a return to Sherlock's village. Sherlock has done great business (should cross $200 million domestically and $400 million worldwide shortly) while operating under the shadow of Avatar, which HAD to be taking some of the audience away. With rumors flying that Moriarty will make his nefarious rise in the next flick, and with many rumors suggesting Brad Pitt has been (or will be) offered the plot, bringing Ritchie (who has a relationship with Pitt) back to the film may be a great idea. Since I mentioned Brad Pitt, this is also a good time to point out that I don't care if he and Angelina Jolie have split up or not. Although I applaud her humanitarian work and have sometimes accidentally enjoyed her movies, she seems to be a psychotic who not-so-long-ago used to drink Billy Bob Thornton's blood. Now, if she's paying down international deficits and helping poor people live, I'll forgive her the whole batshit crazy making-out-with-her-brother thing, but I draw the line at giving a squishy tomato about her personal life. Besides, I have a feeling they'll both be fine. Rich and fine. Rich, attractive, and fine. So, moral of the story: Guy Ritchie is likely doing Sherlock Holmes 2: The Case of Watson's Lube, Brad Pitt should play Moriarty because that would effing rule, and we've all forgotten that Angelina Jolie is the lunatic spawn of Jon Voight.

George Lucas is a big ole faerie

In a move I think I can safely say that none of us saw coming, THR is reporting that George Lucas is working on a "top-secret, untitled, CGI-animated film" that just happens to be a musical about faeries.

I. Shit. You. Not.

Faeries.

Now, we don't know if we're talking Tinkerbell or something more Shakesperean or Gaiman-ian, but we do know that it will include "a variety of different kinds of music." I'm assuming these will include, but will not be limited to, music from the genres Terrible, Awful, Horrendous, and OMFG It's a Musical About Faeries From George Lucas. David Berenbaum, who wrote Elf, is writing and Kevin Munroe is directing. And it's a musical about faeries...from George Lucas. If you go back in time and tell the little version of me who just watched Empire Strikes Back that the guy behind that world is going to make a glorified cartoon faerie musical, you will get to watch innocence die. "But...but why?" the young and not yet jaded by life version of me will ask. "Why would Mr. Lucas do that?" Because somewhere along the line, he decided to hate all that is good. I seriously don't know what this world is coming to but it makes me mad enough to want to dress George Lucas in some ridiculous racing outfit and hire NBA superstar-turned-announcer John Salley to hoist him in the air while copping a weird feel.
See, now that's power, bitches.

Tuesday tidbits

Don't be fooled, this is not my Junk Drawer. That comes on Thursday, dammit. This is just me taking too much time opining and theorizing about "Lost" to give the following things my full attention. I now give you assorted ridiculousness to catch me up today.

• DeNiro isn't going to let declining talent stop him from making a ton of suck movies. According to Nikki Finke, who a lot of people on the Internet seem to hate, just dropped the knowledge that DeNiro will star in (A) Selma, the new film from Precious director Lee Daniels, about the desegregation campaigns in the South...DeNiro will play George Wallace (not a bad idea, Bobby); (B) Another Night in Suck City, which (besides being appropriately titled for DeNiro's career) sounds promising, as it follows the book "Another Bullshit Night in Suck City," which contained the memoirs of Nick Flynn's time in a homeless shelter, and (C) A Midnight Run sequel. There it is! You just knew that there would be something terrible mixed in there, right? I should have put it in the middle so it was a turd sandwich. Oh well, two out of three ain't bad...until DeNiro makes them and they suck.
  
  
• The Hurt Locker won the Producers Guild Award, officially making the Oscars a 3 horse race (Avatar, The Hurt Locker, Inglourious Basterds). The noms will be released Feb 2, which is "Lost" day. That day is going to flippin' RULE.

• This is concept art from Cars 2. As much as I trust Pixar, I could give a wet sparrow fart about this project. The first one left me colder and deader inside than a GOP senator discussing poor people. Anyway, here's a shot that shows them in Japan. Yay.

• Latino Review is suggesting that Sam Worthington may play Dracula in a movie called Dracula Year Zero, which would only be dumber if it were titled Dracula Origins: Year Zero. I haven't surrendered into fully hating Worthington yet, but I'm working on it. He sucked so firmly in Avatar and Terminator: Salvation, but he also is in Clash of the Titans. If I hate him in that, he can't possibly redeem himself. Also, he's 4 feet tall. I saw him on the Golden Globes and I thought he had been digitally shrunk. Also, he's not dracula. Gary Oldman is. See:

Okay, that's it for today gang. See you Tomorrow!

T-Minus 7 days until my life is whole again

"Lost" is ending. I'll give you a second to wedge a Popsicle stick in your mouth to bite down on.

Okay, feel better? This impending conclusion makes many of my fellow Losties sad enough to stream crocodile tears down their incredibly beautiful faces (did I not mention that loving "Lost" instantly makes you insanely good looking? Because it does). For me, the ending is welcomed, even if it is a little bit depressing. I'm a fan of ends, which is the reason why "The Tempest" is probably my favorite Shakespeare play, why I still revere Sir Mixx A Lott as an incredible humanitarian, and why I can watch the final quarter, half, or inning of any sporting event even if I don't care about the teams (notice I didn't say "period," because sports that have period can end in a 0-0 tie, which is like not ending at all). The end is the point, right? I know that the journey is where all of the fun comes in, that you can love the shit out of a show and hate the ending (I'm looking at you "Battlestar Galactica"... and you, Andrew "As your best friend, I feel it is my duty to crap on your pleasant indifference on the ending of that show until you hate it as much as I do" Merczak). But, really, the end matters more than the rest of it because it's the destination we've been working towards for six damn years. Hell, if you had a kid when the show first started, that kid is now in grade school (I wanted to say college, but that didn't sound right).

Basically, all of us Losties have been reading the same novel and we've finally reached the last few chapters. I feel a sense of accomplishment, I feel as though my patience is about to be rewarded, and I feel as though the best discussions of "Lost" are ahead of us, not behind us. Speaking of which, when I visited Chicago recently, I had a great evening with four incredible (and incredibly good-looking) people (they are, remember, "Lost" fans). We talked FOR HOURS about the ins and outs of the show, and it was just fan-freakin-tastic. Knowing that this is our "last chance" this season to do that (which I think is crap because there is no way they wrap everything up, and even if they do we then get to have the "I thought (Fill in the Blank) was awesome/a total cop out" arguments), let's engage this show as much as possible. I know that there are forums some people hang out on to discuss things. Feel free to leave comments on the weekly "Lost" Predictions (which will post Tuesday morning) and "Lost" Reactions (which will post Wednesday morning) columns that include the best of what you find elsewhere. Let's make this a repository for good ideas. I'll start with a few from my main man Doc Jensen, who is so awesome that I just want to hang out with him and down some beer and talk some whacked-out theories.

In his most recent column, Doc takes on the big stuff (after going through an interesting...but weird...divergent inclusion of a bunch of Sting's music...not my favorite side-journey you've made there, Doc). Anyway, here's what I find most interesting about his theories. These are NOT spoilers. They are guesses. Yes, they are guesses made by a smart, smart man but he has been wrong at about a ratio of 10 incorrect guesses to 1, so it's not like he has some kind of divining rod or something. Still, this is your warning, look away if you want. I'll highlight my favorite parts of his responses.

1.) What is the Island

Doc sez - "The Island is the literal manifestation of an old way of looking at the world common to all people — a world full of magic and spirits, angels and daemons. The Island used to be much bigger and occupied much more of the world's psychic geography. The Island once may have even been the whole wide world. But skepticism, cynicism, and disbelief has caused it to shrink away from our mind's eye, becoming nothing more than a slender piece of ephemeral real estate"

Okay, I love that shit. Love, love, love, love it. I think we all had this in mind, really, but it is so perfectly articulated that I love it. It explains why there's multiple religious connotations (Egyptian stuff, Christian stuff, etc), it explains the "afterworld" nature of it, and it nails almost everything it has to succinctly. Also, I'd like to point out, when it comes to magic, my favorite Arthur C Clarke quote: "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic."

Love it.

2.) What is the monster?

Doc sez it's the Man in Black (MIB). I agree.

3.) What are the numbers?

Doc sez - "The Numbers are a metaphor for our yearning for meaning amid chaos. They have no intrinsic supernatural power"

I agree. I like that those specific ones happen to be components of the crazy equation mentioned in the alternate reality game, but I kind of like this answer too.

4.) Is everyone from 815 connected?

"Remember in The Matrix, when the heroes saw the same black cat stroll past them twice in a span of seconds? It was explained that this experience of literal dejà vu was a glitch in the simulated reality of the matrix that occurred whenever the simulated had to be rebooted or updated. My theory is that the coincidences/synchronicities/serendipities in Lost are something very similar — they are proofs that reality is being tampered with."

Hell yes. This is another fantastic answer. Basically, Doc says that the connections we've seen between people are an outward sign of them being shoehorned together. That Jacob selected them and is now shepherding them to the same destiny and THAT'S why they have these coincidences. What I like about all of Jensen's predictions and theories is that they are elegantly simple today. I think he's right.

5.) What's up with the ghosts?

Doc sez they're manifestations of smokey/MIB (aside from Christian Shepherd). I'm down with that. Christian IS clearly different than the other ghosts. He seems to be sentient. Especially given the short that showed him talking to Vincent with no one else around.

6.) What's up with Jacob and MIB?

This is complicated. Here's Doc's highlights "Jacob and MIB are daemons that fulfill the functions of the Island. Jacob served the additional role of Island caretaker....

I would not assign values of ''good'' and ''evil'' to Jacob and MIB. However, I would say that perhaps both have grossly erred in their respective conspiracies because they violated a rule that is bigger than both of them: the sanctity of mankind's free will. MIB has been using people, notably Locke and Ben, to execute his/its plan. Likewise, Jacob has been using the castaways to subvert MIB's subversion. This brings us to ''The Loophole.'' When MIB spoke of wanting to find a loophole, what he meant was finding a way to make all-powerful Jacob vulnerable so he could kill him. By way of explaining exactly what I mean, let me cite another great story: Nell Gaiman's Sandman, the saga of Morpheus, the lord of dreams. In the final stages of that epic fantasy, it was revealed that much of the story involved a conspiracy by the hero's embittered sister (Desire) to get him to make a big mistake that would trigger a cosmic process that would produce his death. (I won't spoil anything more.) I think MIB tricked/forced Jacob to make a similar error, in this case, violating the holy order of respecting human free will. In trying to stop MIB, Jacob has had to meddle in human affairs to a degree that he's not permitted. (I'm thinking the conspicuous touching of select castaways was a big no-no) The consequence for his transgression is the same one that Adam and Eve received when they decided their own interests were more important than the divine rules: mortality. And so it went that an eternal entity once nigh invincible became vulnerable and killable. That said, I think Jacob knew exactly what he was doing. He broke the rules and knew he'd have to pay the price for doing so."

This is why I love this guy. Thorough. Again, I agree.

7.) How will it end?

Hands down my favorite of Doc's theories EVER, here's what he says:

"In the end, Locke will be resurrected and given eternal life and will assume Jacob's role in the Island's function. As I said two weeks ago: I predict the final scene of Lost will be a redux of the Jacob/Man In Black conversation on the beach scene from last season's finale — instead this time, it'll be John Locke in Jacob's place. As for his adversary, he'll be wearing a new identity — that of Benjamin Linus. It ends with this:

Fake Ben: Do you know how badly I want to kill you right now?

And then Locke looks at him with a knowing glint"

Anybody else just throw up? That's AWESOME, right?!

Okay, a lot to digest, I've rambled too long, but I'm getting excited. Comment away, let's get some talk going, I'm ready to finish the longest "book" I've ever read. Oh, and like I'd forget. Here's Evangeline Lilly.

Okay, I lied, there is one thing I can't live without.

Weekend Box Office Results: We're not done with Avatar yet

Well, it's (almost) official. There's little doubt that within the next 2-3 days, Avatar will be the all-time worldwide box office champ and that within 2 weeks or so it will be the all-time domestic champ. I suggest that once it has reached that mark, we strip it from each and every theater like unwanted wallpaper. I say we storm the projection booths, reclaim each print, and toss them into a fire. Not because I hate the movie, which is just okay, but because I am pretty much done ever talking about this movie ever again. And with that...let's write some poetry about it!

Here are the results from the weekend box office, haiku style:

1.) Avatar - $36 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

There's no end in sight.
It has all of our money.
It should bail out banks.

2.) Legion - $18 million (Accuracy of prediction - 71.5%)

This was surprising.
Y'all love angels with guns then?
Let the rip-offs start!

3.) The Book of Eli - $17 million (Accuracy of prediction - 100%)

Still haven't seen it.
Looks like a Blu-Ray rental.
I'm still curious.

4.) The Tooth Fairy - $14.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 54%)

Suck on that The Rock.
That should make you stop this crap.
Make some action flicks.

5.) The Lovely Bones - $8.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 91%)

Disappointing end
to a seemingly good match
of source and helmer

Overall accuracy of prediction - 83%

I'm a B student
when it comes to box office
but I will take that.

That's it for Monday. It's my wife's birthday today, so if you know Abbie at all, give her some love!

Let's get discussin' - The Top 10 (and worst 5) Films of 2009

I know we waited, but it was for a good reason. We had to be sure that we had seen as many films that were considered 2009 releases but trickled into Omaha either in early 2010 or after our holiday-induced publishing freeze. Thus, what you see before you is the best that we could do. We didn't see absolutely everything, but together we damn near did. I would also like to point out that the hardest call I made came down to Up in the Air, which I really, really did like. Ultimately, I had such a problem with the final act that it found itself in the undesirable number 11 spot. I mention this because Omaha is slightly obsessed with the film, and because it appears as though the film will get some Oscar love (though it is now no longer a front runner with Avatar, Inglourious Basterds, and The Hurt Locker heating up). Anyway, enough preamble, I'm posting this here to invite conversation and discussion. When I posted the top 10 of the decade, I heard from but one person (a person who I chose to ignore because I'm related to him and he suggested Bee Movie in jest...you don't joke like that in this neck of the woods). I want more discussion. I know you have opinions! You have to think I'm an idiot for putting X film in front of Y film on this list or excluding X film in favor of Y film (man, X is dominating in my analogy). Anyway, peruse the following and let me know what you think.

About Last Year
The best and worst films of 2009

Pretentious writers who glorify films of yesteryear to lord their false sense of superiority over younger generations can suck it: 2009 was one of the all-time great years for movies. Over the last 12 months, a bevy of mainstream films studied hard and brought home a report card so decorated with one vowel that it should be proudly hung on the cultural fridge as proof that our best days aren’t necessarily behind us. Heck, even 2009’s missteps went full tilt; they weren’t merely bad, they were racist and evil. So if you hear someone kvetching about “the state of movies these days,” smack them upside the head with the following lists.

The 5 Worst Movies of 2009

5.) Pirate Radio – Once more proving that there’s nothing fun about watching people listen to the radio, writer/director Richard Curtis’s cinematic Ambien pill earned its spot through sheer hubris.

4.) X-Men Origins: Wolverine – Hugh Jackman’s first signs of following the Harrison Ford path to career exile, this abomination was seemingly just a pastiche of studio notes and X-Men characters as interpreted by sociopaths.

3.) Terminator: Salvation – Director McG managed to McFail worse than anyone thought possible. With volcanic crater–sized plot holes and flat-out hilariously bad acting, the only legacy this leaves is Christian Bale’s vulgarity-laced tirade.

2.) Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen – In any other year, Michael Bay’s opus to sexism and fire would have used its Stepin Fetchit minor characters to evil its way to first place. Better luck next time, Mikey.

1.) Year One – The first comedy in history without a single laugh, this film wiped out all of director Harold Ramis’s previous accomplishments along with all remaining goodwill for Jack Black and Michael Cera. This may be the first movie that absolutely no human has ever liked.

The 10 Best Movies of 2009

10.) The Princess and the Frog – Beyond Disney finally notching its first truly non-troubling minority character, this 2D throwback is a 3-ton nostalgia bomb for adults and a blissfully entertaining masterwork for children. With a moral lesson that thankfully extends beyond “girls and boys should get married,” the film rides a wave of jazz music and clever, appropriate humor all the way to the Disney hall of fame.

9.) Star Trek – Call Pat Robertson, because director JJ Abrams and writers Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman must have signed a Satan-spawned contract. How else could they have delivered satisfaction to both die-hard Trekkies and newcomers? Beyond crafting a gold standard for remakes/reboots, the trio gave unto audiences the most flat-out entertaining film of the year.

8.) Watchmen – Only a passionate devotee like Zack Snyder would undertake a project he knew could only serve to piss off fervent followers of the source material and alienate the uninitiated. He did it because he felt he had to…and thank God he did. Hyper-faithful with one notable (and forgivable) exception, Snyder deserves far more praise than punishment for this loyal love letter.

7.) The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus – Muted reactions be damned, this fantastic fable is more than just the last film from Heath Ledger; it’s the first truly good film from director Terry Gilliam in ages. Ridiculous and playful images join with wickedly delightful performances in a largely flawless endeavor that presents imagination as salvation.

6.) Up – If you made it through the first 10 minutes without crying, it’s sad that you’ve never felt love. Arguably the finest feather in Pixar’s insanely finely feathered cap, it is every bit as hilarious and eye-catching as it is tender and sweet. When an animated film makes you reconsider aspects of how you behave as a person, it belongs in the year’s top 10.

5.) Moon – Director Duncan Jones didn’t have to wait long to be known as more than David Bowie’s son. It only took his first full-length film, a wholly original sci-fi rumination on identity and life, to prove his visual prowess. Leading man Sam Rockwell’s finest performance may go unrewarded, but that doesn’t mean it’s not the year’s best.

4.) Where the Wild Things Are – The most emotionally affective and effective flick this year, director Spike Jonze and writer Dave Eggers turned a microscopically short kid’s book into a tour-de-force fantasy exploration into how childhood truly feels. Pitch perfect in its blend of magic and terror, this may be the first-ever children’s movie for adults.

3.) The Hurt Locker – A movie that should only be watched while in chairs with soft armrests for gripping, this white-knuckle war tale forgoes politics in favor of sheer intensity. Director Kathryn Bigelow, who damn well better win an Oscar, is merciless, piling tension on tension relentlessly. Jeremy Renner, who deserves more than his currently allotted fame, helps elevate this from cliché to crackerjack.

2.) Inglourious Basterds – Sad but true: Quentin Tarantino may never make another film as good as this one. The culmination of a career based on quirk and dialogue, his meta-cinematic revenge fable improves with each viewing, as does Christoph Waltz’s perfect performance and the sheer entertainment value. In truth, this has as much right to the top of this list as the owner of that spot.

1.) District 9 – Originality is a commodity rarer than crude oil, which is why writer/director Neill Blomkamp’s freshman effort won 2009. His blend of sci-fi, documentary, comedy, and horror is an absolutely, unequivocal masterpiece. Socially significant and visually exhilarating, this one is the rebuff to “they don’t make films like that anymore.”

Hey, don’t take my word for how great this year was. Here are two other perspectives from Reader writers on the brilliance of 2009.

Justin Senkbile’s Top 5 Movies of 2009

5.) The Fantastic Mr. Fox - Since when does a director's most commercial film end up being his best? Drenched in detail and digging deeper into family complexities, Wes Anderson's latest is, above all, amazingly fun.

4.) Up in the Air - Balancing deep-rooted melancholy with a lighter-than-air comedic touch is no easy feat, and it's the secret ingredient in Jason Reitman's third feature.

3.) Ballast - Lance Hammer's grey, drizzly Mississippi Delta drama is one of the most mesmerizing family stories in recent memory and a startlingly authentic slice of modern American life on the fringes.

2.) The Hurt Locker - Almost physically exhausting in its intensity, Kathryn Bigelow's film could likely be remembered as the definitive Iraq war picture.

1.) Goodbye Solo - Every element in this deceptively simple movie blends together quietly, amounting to an unexpectedly powerful ending, and another example of how good small American films can be.

Ben Coffman’s Top 5 Movies of 2009

5.) District 9 – Thanks to lead actor Sharlto Copley’s expressive (and hilarious) face, as well as director Neill Blomkamp’s vision, we have a slightly goofy documentary that morphed into the best sci-fi flick of the year.

4.) Inglourious Basterds – Tarantino re-writes the Nazi occupation of France, perfecting the Mexican stand-off in the process—an instant classic.

3.) In the Loop – Bumbling government policy makers and war do mix, as evidenced by the best comedy of the year. Sorry, The Hangover.

2.) Tetro – Although some critics dismissed Tetro as bombastic, Coppola dug deep and mined his personal background to create a beautifully filmed drama shot in high-contrast black-and-white Buenos Aires.

1.) The Road – This movie was too haunting to miss the top spot. From its grim plot to its skinny, ragged cast, including the anorexic Viggo Mortensen, John Hillcoat’s follow-up to The Proposition delivered horror-movie tension rounded out with the tiniest hiccup of hope.

As a staunch defender of Gremlins 2, I protest!!

MarketSaw is says they're thinking about making Gremlins 3...in 3D no less, which is where MarketSaw comes in, because they go full-retard for 3D. Sure, 3D is heating up now, but it's kind of like having a blog dedicated entirely to movie news about only films featuring Steve Buscemi; it's cool, but kind of weirdly limited. I kid because they're so big they could crush me. Also, They also aren't exactly 100% reliable, but neither am I, so there you go. Personally, I have only about a 50% problem with this.

• 10% of that concern is about the writer/director team (this goes away if they hire any of the following in any of the roles: Guillermo Del Toro, Quentin Tarantino, Joe Dante, Sam Raimi, or Edgar Wright).
• 10% of that concern is about the cast (if the film is populated by CW's insipid hunks and sluts, I'm out).
• 10% of that concern is about the effects used (if they go halfsies on digital and practical gremlins, I'm Fonzie with it...if they go all CGI, I'm pissed off like a bear...I'm Fozzie with it).
• 10% of that concern is with the tone (it's a horror comedy, not just a straight-up comedy...although I liked Gremlins 2, so sue me).
• 10% of that concern is with the title (if it's just Gremlins 3D, I'm going to be disappointed. Howsabout Gremlins (No, not the cars)?)

So, as you can see, my hesitation is scientific. With the right people, the right cast, the right idea, I'm in. Until then, I may just rewatch the criminally unloved Gremlins 2. Enjoy some now.

Weekly Round-Up

What have we learned this week?

We learned that facial hair speaks volumes.
We learned that old news repeats itself.
We learned that my hopes for Spidey are dwindling.
We learned that I'm still greedy.
We learned that my junk is here to stay.

That's not bad for one week. Have a great weekend, kiddos. See you Monday.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Nobody will admit it, but I'm terrified that Avatar WON'T be number one this week. Oh, it's not because I love discussing a phenomenon or that I'm worried about James Cameron's fragile ego. It's because if Avatar isn't number one, then The Tooth Fairy will be. It has all the hallmarks of the "surprise" Disney hits like The Pacifier and The Game Plan and The Bad Touch (okay, I made that last one up, but it's how those movies make me feel). I am praying that the world realizes that children who see The Tooth Fairy grow up to be serial killers when they're older. Also opening this week is Legion, which I still want to see even if I know it will be bad for me. It's kind of like Taco Bell, I know this is going to burn me on the inside, but I'm drawn to the taste. Then there's Extraordinary Measures, which is trying to capitalize on the optimism and kind story that catapulted The Blind Side, only this stars Brendon Fraser and a not-even-trying-anymore Harrison Ford. Yeah, that's right Brendon Fraser, I just compared you to Sandra Bullock in a negative way. You have less talent than Sandra Bullock. That's gotta hurt. As for Mr. Ford, surely he doesn't NEED to work, so I think he should stop. Retire, dude. Go find Sean Connery on a beach somewhere. Sean Connery is still alive, right? I don't want to be insensitive. Anyway, here's how I see this week going, haiku style.

1.) Avatar - $34 million

There's no more question
This film will beat Titanic.
If only I cared.

2.) The Tooth Fairy - $22 million

Why, Mr. The Rock?
Why would you do this to us?
Did someone hurt you?

3.) The Book of Eli - $17 million

A solid effort.
The box office, not the film.
I haven't seen that.

4.) Legion - $15 million

An angel with guns?
What cool looking imagery.
But I think that's it.

5.) The Lovely Bones - $10 million

This didn't quite flop,
Despite bad reviews and such.
Do as Oprah says?

WILDCARD - Extraordinary Measures - $9 million

BAD Harrison Ford.
What the hell is wrong with you?
Brendon Fraser? What?!

I've often said Josh Duhamel can go to hell

Once again, LatinoReview (specifically the lovely Genevieve aka Scarletscribe) has dropped the knowledge on our faces. In this time, the face-dropped knowledge involves Mr. Samuel L Jackson starring alongside Josh Duhamel, presumably because Jackson's career is actually some bizarre game of co-star bingo and Duhamel represents the final corner square. Also, Duhamel is a liar. How do I know? Because like the douche-hammer Brett Favre, he pronounces his name "Doo-Mall" and not "Doo-ham-ul" like it should be. Why does he do this? I don't know, because it's what convinced the perma-tanned, semi-dude-looking Fergie to shag him? Seriously, she frightens me. Okay, we have gotten waaaay off topic here. That topic should be about how the two aforementioned stars (Jackson and Duhamel, not Fergie, who is not a star but a physical curiosity) are going to appear in Sympathy for the Devil. I'm going to reprint the summation that LatinoReview reprinted because it is effin' awesome.

Caught in the no-man’s land between Saturday night sin and Sunday morning redemption, Louisiana lawman Harlan Stark (Josh Duhamel) finds that his intervention into a spectacular crime –the bold attempt to assassinate a charismatic preacher -- soon escalates into a cosmic confrontation between Heaven and Hell, where angels are warriors as dangerous as demons. Harlan and his loyal partner Jesse (Samuel L. Jackson) stand at the fulcrum between vengeful good and devious evil, with neither side showing anything like mercy. Harlan must find the courage to break the cycle, and reject fanatical revenge –yet he too finds himself transformed. Outrageous, violent and subversive, this new adventure in horror from the director of Remember the Titans is sure to be controversial. SYMPATHY FOR THE DEVIL blends the seductive sensuality of Angel Heart, the genre-bending audacity of Pulp Fiction and the relentless intensity of The Omen when all hell breaks loose in New Orleans and the sacred becomes as deadly as the profane.

Does it sound cool? Sure does. Does it sound insane? Yep. Does it have some of the funniest descriptions I've ever heard? Oh yeah. Howsabout "stand at the fulcrum between vengeful good and devious evil" or "Outrageous, violent and subversive, this new adventure in horror from the director of Remember the Titans is sure to be controversial." When I think Remember the Titans, I think "outrageous and violent." Also, it name dropped Angel Heart. ANGEL HEART??!?!?! Sign me up if for no other reason than this is the best synopsis in history, whether accurate or not. Oh, and I'm pretty sure I know the theme song for the film. Oh, no, not my favorite Rolling Stones song; it's going to be something by Creed.

You know what I haven't said lately? Crom!

I've never been a huge Conan fan, but I get the appeal of the character. It's a big hulking dude with a big-ass sword who kills the shit out of bad guys with said big-ass sword. See?
I liked the versions that starred the Governator, but I wasn't totally enamored with them. That said, when I heard that Brett Ratner was going to be directing the relaunch of the series, I threw up a little. Not because I felt a great character was about to get violated, but because I honestly thought someone had killed Brett Ratner by now. Then he went off the project, and I breathed a sigh of relief because I assumed he is once more returned to the underworld where the demons who used to puppeteer Strom Thermond feast on his flesh. Now the film is being directed by Marcus Nispel, whose last name sounds made up. I haven't seen the Friday the 13th remake by Nispel, so I only know that he looks like a serial killer who used to belong in the Village People. See?Well LatinoReview informed me (and the rest of the world) that Nispel has his Conan! And it's a guy who used to be on a "Baywatch" spinoff and a "Stargate" spinoff (not the proud mothership version with the pre-chub MacGuyver). His name is Jason Momoa, and he looks bad ass. See?

So that's the exciting news! To me, it's cool that he's not a whitey mcwhite white, as I usually have a hard time believing that our ancestors had the European pasty thing going on. Also, he seems like he could shit a cougar, so there's that. Oh, but the real scoop is from LatinoReview's quick hit that the role of Conan's dad, Corin, has been offered to Mickey Rourke, who is crazy. See?
That's not for a movie. That's a Saturday afternoon for Mickey Rourke. Seriously. I'm curious about Conan now, and not 100% for the "right" reasons but somewhat because we're going to see Mickey Rourke's exposed moobs again.

Ryan's Junk Drawer

Good morning you sexy basterds (FYI: it's how all the cool cats are spelling it these days, like how everybody in the 90s called burgers "Royale with cheese"...or at least I did). It's Thursday, which means your spirit is just about crushed from the work week and yet it isn't even Friday! Hooray! To make it up to you as best I can, today's the day we peek in my "junk drawer," a clever euphemism for news tidbits too tiny to take up their own post but still worth mentioning. It's a euphemism because I spend the rest of the day walking up to friends and asking "did you see my junk today" and finding strangers and saying "you look like a kind person, I would like to entertain you with my junk." Also, every Thursday (though I've never heard a soul mention whether or not they like it), we explore the drawer in the image above (which is from Highlights Magazine for Children...FOR CHILDREN) and come up with some creepy thing about it. Also, I apparently use the royal "we" a lot on Thursday. Anyhoodle, today's eerie thing from the image above is the poisonous cloud of white gas emanating from the drawer. Paulie thought that if he hid the airborne Ebola virus in the kitchen, no one would ever find it. His incorrect assumption cost the lives of Maine.

Okay, and now on to this week's junk!

1.) The dead have risen, and I loves it! - AMC makes the insanely popular awards magnet "Mad Men," which I have deemed unwatchable despite assurances from every single person I know (hey, I gave it a chance but that shit was like Ambien...sexist Ambien). The only reason I mention this is context, because the station seems to have a grasp on quality material (even if I disagree). This is good because THR announced AMC has picked up a TV series based on the brilliant comic book series "Walking Dead."
It's a no-brainer, really (get it...zombies eat brains). The series is practically a pre-made TV show, complete with storyboards. Far more character-based than zombie-based, I can see this being a huge smash hit, especially with Frank Darabont directing the pilot. For zombie enthusiasts who have somehow not read the book, it's a typical survival plot, but the zombies are slow movers and the humans aren't one-dimensional. I am so excited for this that it almost makes me forgive everyone handing awards to "Mad Men" because they think they're supposed to.

2.) Boy had they better not screw this up - If it's up to me, I don't make an MLKJR biopic. I just don't. Period. His words are the only legacy that's needed and a biopic will incite people who feel it is too glowing or too damaging. Oh, yeah, and most biopics are boring as shit. Far more boring than watching a documentary where Dr. King plays Dr. King. I see no benefit in fictionalizing the life of the single most important civil rights leader and speaker in American history when we are all acutely aware of his impact. I mean, oh yeah they're going to do it, but I wouldn't if it were me. Variety just announced that Ronald Harwood is penning the script. He won an Oscar for writing The Pianist. He also penned Mandela and Cry, Beloved Country, two films focused on race. He's also white. I don't think that should necessarily matter, but I don't think they should be making it, so it more speaks to my point that this is a can of worms that should stay canned. The only film sanctioned by King's estate, the stakes are high on this...so high that I can't believe it's going to happen. Steven Spielberg is producing (and maybe directing), which is good news, but seriously...there are better ways to preserve the man's legacy.

3.) Wacky Brits, Avatar isn't right - The nominees for the BAFTA Awards, famously referred to as the British Oscars (which I imagine is a fairly insulting nickname), have been announced. As Slashfilm.com points out, these are actually a decent predictor of Academy Award nominations, due to their position on the calendar. Quick side note, do you like how everybody pretends they don't care about the Oscars but then mentions every award show in their context and still describes performances as "likely to score a nomination." Me? I'm up front. I love the stupid ceremony. I love everything about it even though I know it sucks. What's interesting about the BAFTA nominations, which you can view here? Well, Avatar is everywhere. District 9 racked up some serious love, and nobody in England saw The Blind Side (poor, poor Sandra...who I still think may win an Oscar...shudder). This reminds me, I know I didn't talk much about the Golden Globes, mostly because I was traveling at the time, but also because they sucked. Ricky Gervais was tepid; Avatar, Sandra Bullock, and "Mad Men" won; and Robert Downey Jr scores a win...for Sherlock Holmes?! It was the People's Choice Awards, really. Anyway, Oscar nods come out soon and I am super-interested. Also, this week will debut my top 10 films of 2009 list, so look for that. Or don't, just don't tell me if you don't because that will hurt my little feelers.

4.) My greatest fears, realized - Devin from Chud.com has a great write-up of why the new Spider-man is going to suck balls. All of the balls. Between the $80 million budget (which would barely cover an Ant-Man movie), news that the focus won't be on "fighting villains" but "teenaged romance," and the fact they're going with "young unknowns," he safely concludes that we are watching the Twilight-ing or "Smallville"-ing of my favorite character ever. For those who wondered why I carried such rage at Twilight, this is why. Because Hollywood is a lame-ass, copycat town with no new ideas, so when they see shit like Twilight turning lead into gold (or $50 million into $700 million worldwide), they assume they should do the same. Oh, and they are making it an origin story, which is the worst part. God this is demoralizing. It's like watching a loved one get poop thrown at their face by a monkey in a cage and all you can do is yell "you stupid monkey, you leave my loved one alone." But the monkey just keeps flinging poop. The monkey just KEEPS FLINGING THE POOP. Ugh.

5.) Trailers parked - A few interesting gems this week. First up is the MacGruber

I have to say that I kind of want to see it now. In part because fat Val Kilmer as a villain makes me more excited than skinny Val Kilmer made most women (and men). Seriously, "I was talking to the missile" was perfectly delivered. Perfectly. Also, Kristen Wiig looks great. Color me shocked, but this is looking more like Austin Powers than Superstar.

Next up is Buried, which stars Ryan Reynolds as a dude who is...um...buried.



I may not be able to watch that, as I am TERRIFIED of being buried alive. TERRIFIED. Like, more scared of that than watching a full segment of Glenn Beck. That's serious. I'm not sure how they're going to make a whole movie last of this, but I said the same thing about Phone Booth...oh yeah, that kind of sucked. I do like Reynolds, and I am slightly intrigued. So, let me know if it's good because I may vomit in the theater.

Okay, that's my junk for this week. Hope you had fun with my junk, I know I did.

Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 17)

I'd like to take this time to thank the newest members of the elite and exclusive "People Who Listened and Bought/Gave Me Things You Should Buy Me" club: Andrew and Jess, my dear Chicago friends I just visited, gave me these:
Yeah, I know. Rad. Thinkgeek, who still has yet to acknowledge my relentless promotion of them, is responsible for this epic win in coat hanging. Again, I can't wait until someone I don't know well walks into my house so I can point to it and yell "OH MY GOD THEY FOUND ME" and then run out of the house and down the street as fast as I can. It will be glorious. So thanks to Andrew and Jess, who really are the most incredible friends. I had a wonderful time and have the ninja coathooks to prove it.

Thankfully, my needs are never satisfied. Ever. So here are this week's items I need.

1.) I could have done all of this week's stuff from one site - I really could have. 80stees.com is potentially going to become the new Thinkgeek for me. Only maybe 80stees.com will return my love (pssst, I'm really just trying to get them both to fight over me...which isn't going so well). Anyway, there were about 5 items in their Spider-man section I wanted, including a Black Symbiote costume plush doll, a Spider-man backpack, and a slew of cool T-shirts (including one of Electro shocking Spidey with the tag "don't Taze me, bro"). But I settled on this:
WOW. This is just...WOW. It comes with the sexy eye mask (not the boots, alas) and the guarantee to make me drool. It's like 30 bucks and you will kill a man with it (just like Avatar). How could this not seem like a great idea. Also, for those assuming I will wear it myself...

2.) I don't know about you, but I'm surviving the apocalypse - It's going to be so cool after the apocalypse washes the planet of the filthy masses. It's just going to be me and the people I love, who are and have been preparing for the coming apocalypse by watching movies on the subject and reading things like the "Zombie Survival Guide." We're soooo safe. This will also help.

It's a survival kit in a sardine can. It won't necessarily keep me alive for months, but it's enough to get me started if I am stranded away from my cave of supplies. Just pretend you didn't read that. Plus, it comes with a tootsie roll. After days of feasting on the flesh of fellow humans to survive, nothing refreshes like a tootsie roll. Nothing.

3.) Finally, sexism is over - After years of being denied a masculine-gendered version, we men now have our own Unicorn.
This T-shirt from Threadless proves that having a horn on your horses head doesn't automatically mean he's a sissy. This is a murdercorn. Enjoy it...or die.

UPDATE - An astute reader on Twitter pointed out that I almost always forget to include HOW to get this material to me. That's my bad. If you contact me at film@thereader.com, I will send you my address. If you want to just send it to The Reader (2314 M St./PO Box 7360/Omaha, NE 68107), be sure to put FOR RYAN SYREK AND RYAN SYREK ONLY HANDS OFF THIEVES on it, just to ensure that it finds me correctly. It's probably unnecessary because they're wonderful people there, but if I walk in and find a half-eaten box of perky jerky or someone wearing my mudercorn shirt...there will be blood.

Things that kill you and things that kill me

A dude died after watching Avatar. A 42-year-old Taiwanese man who, admittedly was unhealthy, died from complications of a stroke brought about by "excitement from watching the movie." James Cameron killed a man. My good friend Darren liked the term undouche that I rolled out yesterday, so allow me to continue my fledgling meme. It is much harder for Jimmy C to undouche now that there is blood on his hands. And before you say that you can't really blame him for this, consider that Jimmy C wanted a "game-changer" and to make things more real than ever before. Congrats, Captain D-Bag, you've murdered.

In totally non-related news, Slashfilm noticed a release by Hawaii (that's the state, not a new director you've never heard of named after an island chain) revealed that Alexander Payne's new movie, The Descendents, will feature George Clooney as rumored. He will presumably play the lead character who travels to Hawaii after he finds out his wife was having an affair. She's now in a coma, so he takes his two daughters to go find the douche who was doinking their mom...in Hawaii. I can see this plot description working for all parties involved. Sometimes you read a press release (like, say, Marc Webb getting a 3-picture deal) and you go "huhbuhwha?" Sometimes they make perfect sense. Also, the headline referred to things that kill me. The answer: Doing a story about Hawaii while watching freezing drizzle out the window.

Web of Lies: Reborn

Well here we go again. This guy is now in charge of Spider-man.
His name is Marc Webb, and he scares the living shit out of me. Oh, it's not just because two of the FIVE projects he has completed as a director are 3 Doors Down and Greenday videos (although, let me just say, 3 DOORS F**KING DOWN? the new Spidey director is a guy who worked with 3 Doors F**king Down?!?!?!) but because Sony signed him to a three-picture deal as Spidey director based off of one movie he made that I sort of, kind of thought was okay. In fact, one could argue that what made Webb's only film, 500 Days of Summer, adorable and appealing was Joseph Gorden Levitt and not the stolen quirk from other films shoehorned into a semi-original rom com. I know of no unique Webb visual style, although we have but one film to judge by, and the fact that this new mega-billion dollar franchise is pretty much his sophomore effort means that this guy will be such a Sony puppet that he may as well be made of felt and be receiving a permanent rectal exam. Can this be fixed with the right casting? Sure. Raise your hand if you knew that Jon Favreau was going to kill Iron Man like he did (we liked him, yes, but what about Zathura made you go "this is going to be goooood"). It was Robert Downey Jr who saved that day. Then again, Iron Man is no Spider-man, and what Webb is "known for" (I put that in quotation marks because THIS IS HIS SECOND FULL-LENGTH FILM) is romance. This move is akin to watching a kid excel at an airplane video game so you give him the keys to the Lear Jet. It sounds like Sony is preparing us for less action (ie, cheaper), more romance (ie, designed to bring in the tween/Twilight set...which isn't the target audience by the way, they won't just come and watch anything with half-wit teens in love), and a rather bland style. Things are moving faster than I thought, so we will likely be talking casting shortly. My warning still stands: You cast a single male Twilight actor in this and I'm stomping balls. All of the balls. Your balls.

Weekend Box Office Results: Guess who won the week?

Another week, another discussion about Avatar. The big news is this: It should be Titanic worldwide within 10 days and should be number 2 domestically all time by Sunday. It has a decent shot to end up number 1 domestically as well. My favorite thing is how people are bitching about inflation and how ticket sales don't mean that blah, blah, blah, blah. It made more money than anything else before it ever (or at least it's going to). That's impressive and crazy. If you want to burn your candle at the shrine of Gone with the Wind, so be it. Just realize that if you start harping about how the true measure is ticket sales you're claiming that we should revere 101 Dalmations because it would be number 11 all-time according to that chart. Anyway, on to the issue at hand.

Here are the MLKJR weekend results (haiku style):

1.) Avatar - $54 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

Golden Globe winner?
You have to be kidding right?
You mean People's Choice.

2.) Book of Eli - $38 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

Love Mila Kunis.
Love Denzel Washington, too.
But that all may change...

3.) The Lovely Bones - $20 million (Accuracy of prediction - 55%)

I can't believe this!
Mixed reviews and creepy plot?
Y'all must love Jackson.

4.) Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel - $15 million (Accuracy of prediction - 87%)

This film worries me.
Its success defies logic.
Make the chipmunks stop.

5.) The Spy Next Door - $13 million (Accuracy of prediction - 86%)

Don't worry, Jackie.
We'll all forget this happened.
But not Kung Fu Kid.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 81.5%

Another week done.
Where is all the time going?
James Cameron bought it?

Okay, that's it. Happy Monday on a Tuesday (for those easily confused, it is Tuesday).