Sayid Kills Someone and Other "Lost" Predictions

I assume everyone else is still slowly coming down from their "Ab Aeterno" high, right? I'm still putting the finishing touches on my Nestor Carbonell tattoo (I put it on my chest, so I can make his eyebrow raise with curiosity when I flex). It's weird, because there really were only a FEW answers (and we knew or suspected most of them), but it felt like it answered so much. I seriously felt like it was waaaay more informative than it actually was upon reflection. That doesn't mean it was less of an episode. It wasn't. It was still my favorite ever.

So what have I been ruminating on the most? Well, most of it has to do with what Jacob is up to and what he knows. Here's my thoughts in handy bullet point style:

• I feel for some reason that he and the Man in Black (MiB) are NOT brothers. I don't know why. The only evidence I have is that Flocke never really seemed to allude to his "crazy mother" showing preference for another child or anything. I know they wouldn't have dropped that info so early if they wanted us guessing the relationship of the two characters, but still...it just doesn't feel right to me.
• The "powers" that these guys have are perplexing me. Specifically Jacob. The MiB we know can turn into a column of smoke, but he can't seem to do things like grant immortality. Why? What is the power set of these guys and how did they get it? I know that sounds like a superhero question, but it's a good one.
• Someone brought up the brainwashing incident from back in the good old Dharma days to me. Good point! Why WOULD they be brainwashing kids with messages like "God loves you as he loved Jacob?" That's weird now that we know Jacob, right? Can this be answered with something like "humans do strange and bad things with religious stuff?" I don't know.
• Speaking of bad stuff...Richard helped lead the purge?! It seems like something he wouldn't do given what we know of him. There's a lot of bad behavior I don't quite get. Maybe we'll find out that the MiB sometimes has a say in what's going on. That he sometimes gets a word in to the people. He was "very disappointed in all of them," so maybe he did have some involvement.
• Jacob is good. The MiB is evil. That much we know. The religious connotations have gotten more complex. For example: although Judeo-Christian motifs are CLEARLY the most dominant, we are talking about a guy who makes his bed beneath a statue of a different God of fertility. I'm intrigued by this multi-religiosity but wonder if we won't ultimately just fall back into Christian themes. Interesting.
  

Okay, that's what "Ab Aeterno" left me thinking, feel free to tell me what it left you pondering. Here's what I'm thinking for this week.

Predictions for "The Package"

1.) Guess who's back, brotha? - Nevermind that his name is still in the credits despite having 2 minutes of total screen time this season. Nevermind that he is more connected to the island and time travel than any other character. Nevermind that his father-in-law is an island-seeking douchehammer. The real reason we're getting Desmond back this week is because the show is sorely lacking in "brothas." I think anyone who assumes that Desmond ISN'T behind the padlocked door in Widmore's sub (which Sawyer is apparently knows how to drive) needs to be kept inside a padlocked door in real life.

2.) Sidewinding complications - We know Jin was in a meat locker while Sayid was gettin' his murder on in sideways world. We don't know why (or care...we also don't care why). I think that it's safe to say there was something illegal going on, though...and things that are illegal may involve...cops? Could we have a scenario in which Kate is in the back of Sawyer's cop car when he's suddenly forced to divert to a murder scene involving Sayid and Jin? Could the gang be getting back together? DOES THIS MATTER? I don't hate the sideways world as much as others, but I think the miscalculation by the producers (who sometimes come off as cocky and too convinced of their own infallibility) is stretching that part of the mystery out too far. Other than Jack's initial flash sideways, none of them have seemed to have any significance. That's the sin. Maybe something feels better when they all start coming together? I can't say.

3.) Christian or I lose it - After 5 seasons of bringing this dude back in, we've ditched him faster than you can say Desmond. He was the one who gave advice to Sun. WHERE IS HE? I don't think we're going to get some kind of backstory tonight, but I think we need an appearance as soon as possible or we're going to lose memory of him. In fact, let's say this: We right now think the package either refers to what Jin was delivering in the sideways or what Widmore has locked in his sub. What if it is Christian's body in the flash sideways? Probably not, but that would be cool.

4.) Sun and Jin reuniting - It could be emotional. It would be emotional if I still cared about them, but both have been relegated to hanging around and whimpering a lot. They've been apart almost as long as they were together, making it difficult to get really weepy about what is likely going to happen tonight. I do hope that their reunion on the island involves more than Jin just sneaking away. I hope that somehow it involves multiple members of the groups interacting. Likely it won't though. It will probably just be another beach reunion with sappy music in the background. I hope Jin's first question is "WHERE THE HELL IS OUR DAUGHTER?!"

5.) Sayid kills someone - Remember, this counts in the flash sideways world too and there is a GOOD chance of more murder there. I love how wacky and creepy he's gotten on the island, and I think we may get more henchman-like whacking tonight as Flocke starts to move against Widmore. Maybe Flocke will just send Sayid over to Hydra Island and tell him to get killin'. I'd be down with that.

Okay, that's my sure to be wrong predictions. Two more things before I leave you: (1) There's no way this episode can handle the pressure of following "Ab Aeterno." It can, at best, be good not great. (2) This is a friendly warning to avoid all comments sections in other blogs, all forums, any spoiler sites, and as many places that may have info as you can. There are MAJOR spoilers out there that are totally accurate I'm sure. I'm dodging them as best I can. They are there though because people have seen them filming the last episodes of "Lost" ever. So be very wary my fellow Losties. Enjoy!

More arousing Bond news

People are saying that the Bond girl rumors from a week ago may not be true. Then again, I think they might be. Freida Pinto is PERFECT for a modern Bond girl, so I'm just going to believe it's true. I call this "the Tea Party" way of thinking: You work backward from what you want to be true without worrying about facts. With this in mind, I'm also going to get pumped up about the next news nugget, despite it's likely totally untruth. Cinema Blend is reporting that Rachel Weisz, or as I call her "more please," is possibly going to play...the villain. Not the bondage-clad henchwoman, not the "sexy assassin," as is usually the case when a female gets a villain role (because even in fiction we can't believe women are smart enough to run the whole durn evil empire). Weisz would play the HEAD of the nasty opposition, the CEO of badness. Yes. Yes. Yes. I know that the script is still in a bit of flux. I know that we don't even have 100% info on who is directing. I know that MGM is in a holding pattern and won't even be moving on the Bond film until their financial situation is resolved, but dear Lord Baby Jesus, let us have a movie where there is an Oscar winning beauty in the intelligent lead role of head bad guy. This could be so brilliant, that it probably won't come true. Fingers crossed. Don't let her look fool you, this lady:
she can play a badass baddie. She can also come over whenever she wants.

Everybody run! It's a Godzilla reboot!!!?!?!

If you've only seen the Matthew Broderick version of Godzilla once (or, God bless you, never at all), you may not realize just how insanely bad it was. This is not the cute, three-legged puppy. This is the exploded dog on the side of the road that just got splatted by someone driving a Hummer (heehee, people stilld rive Hummers). Despite this atrocity, for which director Roland Emmerich should have been beaten and flogged (possibly preventing 10,000 BC), Japan has decided to let America try to kill Godzilla again by allowing Legendary Pictures to launch another big budget onslaught. As near as I can tell, the best thing an American has done with Godzilla is the following:

I'm not 100% opposed to this, and Legendary seems to have decent levels of respect for genre things. I'm not saying that I think Godzilla is some kind of sacred deity that should be honored. I mean, he's not Spider-man. I'm just saying that the Japanese have made this character into something pretty awesome for something like 750 years (I may be doing my math wrong on that), and we've managed to bone things up the one time we got to use him. I don't think they should go all Cloverfield. I don't think they should go all The Host. I think they should have him be a multidimensional being that enters our world thanks to the Hadron Collider ripping a hole into the multiverse (like we KNOW just happened today). That's my two cents. FYI: I'm kidding, but it would still be better than anything in the Matthew Broderick version. Seriously, Jean Reno, what the hell?

Weekend Box Office Results: The Dragon is mostly trained

The good news? The 3D extravaganza may not be as insanely huge as I feared. Sure, nobody is complaining about How to Train Your Dragon's opening weekend, but it isn't the jaw-dropping number I feared may have been posted. What I'm saying is, there's still a chance for some semblance of order to be restored. The rest of the top 5 though looks dismal. This may be the least-tasty buffet of films up top in some time. Thankfully, the Kraken gets released next weekend, and I just can't see that not being fun.

Anyhoodle, here are your weekend box office results, haiku style:

1.) How to Train Your Dragon - $43 million (Accuracy of prediction - 83.5%)

It could have been worse.
This number could be bigger.
There may still be hope.

2.) Alice in Wonderland - $14 million (Accuracy of prediction - 81%)

How is this still high?
It should have started to drop.
Damn you Tim Burton!

3.) Hot Tub Time Machine - $13 million (Accuracy of prediction - 60%)

This is a flop-o.
There were some big hopes for this...
They went...down the drain.

4.) The Bounty Hunter - $12 million (Accuracy of prediction - 77.5%)

The drop was minor.
The ladies do love Butler.
But not Aniston.

5.) Diary of a Wimpy Kid - $10 million (Accuracy of prediction - 75%)

This one fell quite hard.
The dragon took a big bite.
Thank God I don't care.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 75.5%

How fitting: a "C"
That's the grade these films deserve.
In fact, maybe less.

Okay, that's it. I know you want to be grumpy this Monday but don't be. It doesn't look good on you.

Monday funnies and other business

First up, some housekeeping...I'm not going to be blogging from Wednesday through Monday. Those who know me know that this is because I will be busy in Eau Claire, Wisconsin, as I am attending and coaching the brilliant UNO Forensics team as they compete at the AFA National Tournament. Those who don't know me, just consider it me taking the least relaxing vacation ever. I apologize to those for whom my words represent the best part of your day, but if that's the case...you really need help anyway.

Okay, because Monday is normally a day filled with anger and hostility, allow me to use anger and hostility to make you laugh. Here are two funny stories that "broke" over the weekend.

First up, is the writer of Battlefield Earth, JD Shapiro. In the New York Post, Shapiro explained how he came to write what many believe to be not just the worst movie of recent memory, but the worst movie of all time. It's easy: He blamed his penis. Basically, in an effort to get laid, he was seduced by a scientologist to pen a draft of the giant sci-fi book. He had previously written Robin Hood: Men in Tights, so clearly he had the chops to take on a mega-budget blockbuster. His story has hilarious anecdotes about John Travolta, and best of all, Shapiro never really passes the buck. He does note that the final draft was radically, radically different from what he wrote, to the point where he could have taken his name off of it, but chose not to for financial reasons. But ultimately, he steps up and notes that he is at least largely responsible for this atrocity against mankind. Well, he and his penis are responsible for it. Honestly, good for him. I'll blow your mind: If someone told me that I could become a paid screenwriter but that the movie I wrote would be talked about like a cinematic war criminal, I would do it. I wouldn't even hesitate. Shit, I would write Battlefield Earth 2 right now. Direct to video, even. You pay me to write a movie, I will write that movie...and I'm not even trying to get a little somethin' somethin'. So, to Mr. Shapiro and his bad-judgment inducing genitalia: Good for you.

Our next story is another one from the liar of all lying liars, Mark Millar. At Millarworld, the incredibly appropriately named site for all things Millar, the comic writer/human hype machine says that X-Men 4 was offered to him to pen...and that he turned them down. Is it possible that Fox Studios approached him for talks? Sure. Did they? Probably not. If they did, why would he turn them down? Millar will pretty much do anything he's offered ever. Hell, he tries to make up entire projects he's not even affiliated with just to get his name out there. Although he claims he feared he wouldn't have enough autonomy, chances are Fox either passed on HIM or things never got that far. Now, on a personal note, if you're listening, Mr. Millar...please stop this. You've written some really enjoyable comics. I enjoyed your "Fantastic Four" run, you've done some good stuff with X-people and the Ultimates line, but this madness needs to be over. You are just lying about sequels (Wanted 2), involvement in big projects (the Superman reboot), and now fictional writing gigs. From now on, if you don't have a picture of you talking to the people you say you're talking to or a signed contract, I'm going to treat you with all the attention I give to the third place finisher on "American Idol." I will read your comics, even though "Nemesis" kind of sucked in the first issue, but I refuse to encourage your lying habit. BAD, MILLAR. VERY VERY BAD.

Movie Review: Hot Tub Time Machine

I see that Hot Tub Time Machine was used as frequently as a real hot tub with a band-aid floating in it. That's kind of too bad. I mean, it's not HILARIOUS, but it's funny with a lowercase f. I mean, America hoisted Alice in Wonderland up on its shoulders as though it were some kind of cinematic milestone, you think they'd at least have no problem checking out something passably funny. Oh well, here's my review:

Chunks Blown, Blow Snorted
Hot Tub Time Machine is raunch for raunch’s sake

Compared with director Steve Pink’s Hot Tub Time Machine, Joe Biden’s recent F-bomb was deployed with the grace of Mikhail Baryshnikov dancing on the head of a pin. Its grammatical diversity on full display, the F-word is no mere extravagance. Remove it, and characters are reduced to articles and conjunctions; they’d be left asking, “the and?” Josh Heald, Sean Anders and John Morris birthed a simplistic, goofy script and slapped it with raunchy until it sounded like a sailor and smelled like a crack house bathroom. Why? Because filth is the new king of comedy; sorry, Jerry Lewis.

Although the title is nearly a complete synopsis, here goes: estranged friends Adam (John Cusack) and Nick (Craig Robinson) are compelled to care for their former friend and current douche Lou (Rob Corddry) after he passively attempts suicide while listening to Mötley Crüe…which is understandable. Their solution is to take everyone, including Adam’s nephew Jacob (Clark Duke), and head to the ski lodge they loved in their teenage years. Then they climb into a hot tub time machine. The end.

Fine. Slightly more happens, although it is slight. Once in the 80s, the group bickers about the butterfly effect—the movie and the phenomenon—and do a Lohan-esque amount of drinking and drug consumption. Adam meets a potential love (Lizzy Caplan), Nick gets to sing again and Lou alternates between showing his ass and getting it kicked. It’s all inconsequential…other than waiting to see how Phil (Crispin Glover), who is a one-armed bellhop in the present day, loses his appendage.

Any movie that employs used-up Chevy Chase as the deus ex machina isn’t overly concerned about plot. What matters is laughs, and there is a sufficient amount…not an exceeding amount, but a sufficient amount. Cusack’s humor comes from our nostalgia for his 80s career, Robinson’s comes from his brilliant dead pan and Corddry’s comes from his reckless abandon. He brings bravado to every scene, from puking on a squirrel to fathering a child. What Zach Galifianakis was to The Hangover, Corddry is here.

Hot Tub Time Machine’s biggest sin isn’t its incessant sinning, it’s the jokes left on the sticky floor. The 80s get off light, as do most time-travel pop culture references. If it had kept the frat-house feel without feeling like it was written after a bender in a frat house, it could have been more than just dirty fun.

Grade = B-

Weekly Round-Up

So what did we learn this week?

We learned that I refused to totally write-off Repo Men unlike everyone else.
We learned that Frida Pinto may have a sweet gig.
We learned that Tuesday had some quick hitters.
We learned that I still suck at "Lost" predictions, even as the show gets better and better.
We learned that my junk drawer remains, as does my want of free stuff.

Not bad for one week. Be safe. Have fun. Enjoy the impending nice weather. Don't overpay for 3D.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

I wish I had faith that people would listen to me about 3D, but they won't. This week is going to see a precipitous drop for Alice in Wonderland (due to 3D screen shrinkage) and a huge opening for How to Train Your Dragon (because it is getting those screens). It's a 3D world right now, and we're going to regret that. But enough ill-tempered anger and bile, it's time for laughter and glee! It's Friday! So let's make with the whimsical and launch some haikus!

Here's how I see the weekend box office, haiku style:

1.) How to Train Your Dragon - $57 million

This is somewhat high,
but that 3D stuff is big.
Let's see just how big.

2.) Hot Tub Time Machine - $21 million

I can't believe it.
This movie really exists...
and has John Cusack.

3.) Alice in Wonderland - $14 million

Should be a big drop,
but in my own opinion,
it has made too much.

4.) Diary of a Wimpy Kid - $13 million

It would hold better,
if not for the damn dragon.
Still not a flop, though.

5.) The Bounty Hunter - $9 million

As soon as it came,
It soon quickly disappeared.
Just as it should be.

No Wildcard this week. I'm feeling too good about the above calls. That's it for me, I'll hit you up with a weekly round-up and then say goodbye! Have a great weekend!

Anger, 3D be thy name

If you've watched any morning news program, you've no doubt seen that theaters are increasing 3D ticket prices as soon as right effin' now. This isn't exactly hard-hitting reporting, but Matt Lauer has to do something with his morning besides listen to Al Roker crack wise and try not to stab Ann Curry. Seriously, Roker, I don't know what Faustian deal brought you into this world, but you aren't funny and any teleprompter monkey can read the weather, and don't even get me started on you, Ann Curry. If my imaginary island where I send annoying people was real, you'd be locked in some sort of brutal deathmatch with Limbaugh and Beck for island supremacy. Anyway, I'm about to rant about 3D for a minute, not because my voice is that much different from the many others who have been ranting about it, but because I'm cheesed off and may as well write it out.

It goes like this: Greedy, greedy, greedy, greedy. Somehow, the powers that be are not content with fleecing the public by making us pay a few dollars more for 3D tickets, despite the fact that the glasses only cost the theaters pennies and the projector (the only thing that they had to really make an investment in) is paid for rather quickly. This isn't about recouping cash, this is about figuring out what the pressure point is for the American people. So long as you plunk down whatever ridiculous price they charge to see Johnny Depp assify himself in 3D, they'll keep raising the price. When every project suddenly was announced to be in 3D, I ignored it for the most part, dismissing it as a fad that would eventually go away (a truth that remains). But the fact that these assholes, these ignorant bastards are going to try to bilk the public out of more and more money just to see if they can has finally broke my will. What happens if people say "it's too expensive to go to the movies" and stop going...for good? I know you don't THINK that will happen, but it might. And even if it doesn't, I know you're not FORCING people to pay these prices, but you may be denying kids a fun experience. No way mom and dad can afford to take 2-3 kids to go see the latest 3D affair if it's going to set them back $100 bucks total. That's just asinine. We're still in a recession, morons. As much as I thought 3D may be a fun way to get audiences to see movies, as much as I thought it could be a fun little addition that may help movies from time to time, the combined movement of almost all productions to 3D and this new "let's grab some more cash" attitude from the theater owners/studios has sent me over the edge.

Stop seeing movies in 3D, people. Stop it right now. If we refuse to plunk down the extra money, we can send a message that we're not lemmings that will just totter in and pay whatever because we think we have to. Stop it. See Clash of the Titans in 2D, like it was originally conceived, and watch as studios freak out. Make this the new policy until they stabilize prices. This is bad business and bad etiquette. I'm not saying I'll NEVER see another 3D movie, especially at free screenings. I just won't be paying for them if I can avoid it at all.

The "WS" stands for wickedly shitty

In a way, you almost have to be impressed with Paul WS Anderson. No, not Paul Thomas Anderson, the director and writer of brilliant films like Magnolia, Boogie Nights, Punch Drunk Love, and There Will Be Blood. I mean Paul WS Anderson, who directed Mortal Kombat, Event Horizon, Soldier, Resident Evil, Alien vs Predator, and Death Race. Sorry, that was a long list of film titles, and nobody likes to read a whole list of film titles when they want to hear interesting things about movies. Anyhoodle, I'm amazed that ole WS is still able to get work, and not just any work, but work that OTHER people actually want. Deadline reports that WS snagged the directing gig for Buck Rogers, a revamp of the pulp icon that will be in 3D. Frank Miller at one point had that job, but he isn't blessed with the anti-shit-stick formula that has allowed WS to keep making movies. Seriously, did you see that he directed both AvP AND Soldier. Either of those would have ended the career of lesser men, but this guy is like a cinematic cockroach. He just won't die. Personally, this movie is now totally off my radar. It wasn't really that high when Miller was attached, but I liked the character enough to consider it. No longer. If you see a movie that has Paul WS Anderson's name on it, it's like reading a warning label on something that says "if you eat this, it will kill you" and then eating that something anyway. This is actually a public service: Now you don't have to go see Buck Rogers.

Michael Cera will kick your ass

I'm about to be shunned by two groups: (1) people who don't really like or read comics at all, although those people probably don't read this blog with frequency, and (2) people who really love and read comics all the time. I've never read the "Scott Pilgrim" graphic novels. I always meant to, but I'm a lazy bastard with limited financial resources, so it never happened. That said, I have been looking forward to the film adaptation with great enthusiasm, most notably because director Edgar Wright has yet to make a bad movie. Hell, he has yet to make an average movie. The buzz surrounding the film has been somewhat legendary, with well-known directors making it known that they'd totally make sexytime with the movie if it were a person. The biggest thing I heard was that it was "groundbreaking" in its use of playful violence. Well, part of the wait is over...here is the trailer.



Things I loved:

The fake-out "this is another Michael Cera indie-romance-love-movie where hipsters you kind of hate make out."
The smokin' hot Mary Elizabeth Winstead with her inexplicably hot multicolored hair.
The use of comic book words like WHAP that haven't been displayed like this since the original "Batman" television series.
The music, which I believe is new Beck.

Things I'm not so in love with:

Michael Cera. I'm still pissed about Year One. Asshole.
The tone of the acting isn't quite clear yet, but they need to be quite serious and not self-aware. The film will collapse if it's all wink-and-noddy.

I'm excited, I really am. I think it looks like a total blast, but it does not look "revolutionary." This looks like a fun version of Sin City. I don't want it to sound like I'm bagging on it, I'm not. I'll be there opening weekend if only because I love me some Edgar Wright...but as we learned from Avatar, let's not be saying "game changer" when we mean "good movie." It looks good. The teaser teased me appropriately.

Ryan's Junk Drawer

What's up kittie cats? Welcome to another chance to see my junk. I know it's the moment you wait all week for, impatiently looking at your calendars, asking "is today the day? Is today the DAY I VIEW RYAN'S JUNK?!" Yes, yes it is. Now, about 90% of people asking that question are well aware that by junk, I mean "movie tidbits that aren't big enough to warrant a full post." The other 10% are really, really disappointed right now. Chin up, perverts, maybe next week. As is our special Thursday tradition, we begin by looking at the creepy, creepy ass junk drawer image from Highlights Magazine (FOR CHILDREN) above and pick an item from it to make up a weird story about. Today's item is the tiny rope in the upper left-hand corner. Despite the impressive effort it took to create such a thick, sturdy rope of appropriate length from the few strands of browned grass, Paul couldn't let things proceed. Try though he might, Paul couldn't think of a single reason that Papa Smurf wanted to kill himself that badly. "I'm surrounded by smurfin' half-wits," Papa had explained, "I need a smurfin' out, man. You don't know what it's smurfin' like here. Sweet Jesus I want to smurfin' die. I swear to you, I'm one wacky adventure away from smurfin' mass murder." Although Paul knew Papa would try to find a different way, by keeping the noose in his junk drawer, he ensured that he would never one day look down on the mushroom kingdom to find its ruler swinging in the wind.

Now, on to this week's movie nuggets!

1.) I know the title of the last episode of "Lost" - It's so ground-breaking, so shocking, so revelatory that I can't even...pretend that this is the truth. It's called "The End." Not exactly jaw-dropping, is it? On the one hand, it actually makes me happy, I mean, not as happy as this:

The reason the title brings some joy to my life is that it seems to suggest that they are at least TRYING to fully wrap up the story. I know that's what they've promised for a long time now, but they also lied to us a whole lot. Remember the whole "everything has a scientific explanation" bullcrap line? Unless Jacob is suddenly revealed to be a time-traveling robot, I don't think that's true. I do think that they'll leave numerous dangling participles and hanging chads, but for the most part, the title seems to indicate an intent to be declarative about the series' finale. That makes me happy. Not slapping-Claire happy, but happy.

2.) El Diablo strikes another deal - I love me some Diablo Cody. That fiesty ex-stripper deserves better than the backlash she's unfairly suffered for years now, and she makes a damn good point when talking about the script she just sold: Young Adult. First off, she describes it as "f**ked up," which I love. THR reports that it's about “a thirtysomething, divorced, young-adult fiction writer in Minneapolis who returns to her hometown to chase the ex-boyfriend, who’s now married with a kid, that got away.” That doesn't necessarily sound f**ked up, but that's because we instinctively think of the neutered, Sandra Bullock-friendly version that we've become accustomed to. Sorry, I know it's too soon to be making Bullock references, what with the fact that her marriage fell apart. Seriously, what's with people making such a big deal about that. Does it suck? Hell yes it sucks. That tattooed, hog-faced douche-nozzle ought to be ashamed of himself for pumping the exhaust of a tranny-looking, fake-boobed Nazi. But it's one of about a billion Hollywood marriages that have ended this way, and the global decision that we care most about Bullock's is weird to me. Anyhoodle, back to Diablo's movie. Diablo explains that the f**ked up part is that the female lead is an anti-hero. Not a freakshow like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction, but more fundamentally broken a la Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler. This is interesting to me. It sounds like a complex role that is nuanced and different...and it's for a female?! I know it may be older than the "30-something" that Diablo described, but I'd get Julianne Moore for this and get her an Oscar. Just my opinion.

3.) Mission Impossible 4 is for the Bird? - I won't defend Mission Impossible 3 ad naseum again (but it was really good, jerks), but my excitement for MI4 just picked up even further. So should yours. You see, HeatVision is reporting that Brad Bird may direct. Who is he? Well he just so happened to direct The Incredibles, Ratatouille, and Iron Giant. Now, I know what you're thinking, but when you really stop and consider it, is directing a cartoon really that different from directing Tom Cruise? Especially when he'll be against a green screen a lot with tons of computer-generated effects. Bird isn't just a good director, he's a great one. I adore each of those movies listed above, and he has more than earned the good will to do whatever project he wants in my humble opinion. I'd get him to have a hand in the screenplay too. I think the decision to skew this franchise more towards fun was a good one, as the first one took itself far too seriously and the second one took itself far to John Woo-y. I know that nobody but me is saying it, but I'm saying it loud enough to be obnoxious: I CAN'T WAIT FOR MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 4.

4.) Rewarding evil with evil - This is the world we live in: You write poopy poop poop and you get a big payday to write even more poopy poop poop. Fact is, even if you LIKED Alice in Wonderland, it wasn't because you thought Linda Woolverton's script rocked. It was because you're an unabashed Tim Burton/Johnny Depp apologist or you're 13 and gothy. The script was not just stupid, it was a savaging of the work of Lewis Carroll...for no good reason. From my perspective, this was a literary hate crime. So the fact that THR is reporting that Woolverton is writing Maleficent, a retelling of Sleeping Beauty from the point of view of the evil queen, fills me with all the excitement of waiting to be cut in half by a chainsaw. Plus, this only increases the chances that Tim "I'm a hack, follow me off this cliff lemmings!" Burton is going to get involved. Okay, if you get Johnny Depp to play the evil queen MAYBE I'm interested, but if it ends up being Helena Bonham Carter, I may have to genetically turn myself into a dragon and breathe fire on every print of the film. I like the "evil-perspective" concepts of stories, like "Grendel," and we haven't seen many of them. This could be good...or could have been good until Woolverton got to it. Yucky.

5.) Trailers, parked - We've got nothing but new versions of old trailers this week, but that doesn't mean they're not entertaining.

First up is the last Last Airbender trailer...okay, I don't know that, but I don't think there's much else to show. If you set aside the hatred that we've all justifiably accumulated for M. Night Shyamalan, this looks good.


Despicable Me looks slightly more Pixar than Ice Age to me, but I may be getting fooled here. I like how they've done the advertising, and I love the voice talent. Heck, I really love that the score is being done by Pharrell and Hans Zimmer. This could be fun.



Adele Blanc-Sec looks like wacky French joy to me. I liked the first two trailers and I didn't even have English subtitles. This is one I'll likely have to catch on DVD, but I'll be happy to do so.


Okay, that's all the junk I have to show today. Come back tomorrow for our usual Friday excitement...and by excitement I mean fairly boring crap. But it's all made with love.

Talk to the Flocke: Reactions to the "Lost" episode "Ab Aeterno"

I don't know how to write this.

I really don't.

For the last few years, I've considered myself a marginal "Lost" scholar, reading the most important tomes, chasing the more eccentric literary references, trying to wisely and intelligently "read" the smartest show on television. I've studied the show as much as I've watched it. I've tried to predict it, analyze it, approach it from all appropriate angles. Then, somewhere around the moment when Richard Alpert's eyes bugged out and the smoke monster rained down up on The Black Rock, I became simply a fan again. Just a fan. Just a dumb, sit-there-slack-jawed, can't-believe-my-eyes fan.

I've struggled since that closing shot of Flocke staring at us as if to say "You assholes really believed there was a chance I was the good guy?" with how I was going to even do this today or, more importantly, why I should bother. This show is so nuanced, so smart that I either (A) can barely scratch the surface or (B) shouldn't bother.

So why are you reading this? Because later that night I received an email from my cousin, who I mention often in these blogs, and then a text from my "anonymous" friend...and then another... Before I knew it, I was full-on discussing things again. Winging weird and wildly inaccurate and largely unsupportable theories at one another, it occurred to me: You're supposed to do both. You're supposed to enjoy the shit out of the show on a superficial level and then be able to articulately dive into it. My mother-in-law, who has seen maybe 3 episodes of the show ever, watched with us last night in silence. When it was over, she was very entertained. True, her comment was simply "I liked the smoke thing," but I realized then the true legacy that "Lost" is going to leave: It's a show that managed to be both blissful, escapist entertainment on a superficial level and a deep, deep pool of intellectual discussion for those willing to go into those waters. I'm nowhere near qualified to be the lifeguard of that pool, but I'm more than happy to dive in.

Things I liked

Everything. This was my favorite episode of my favorite television show. Thus, this could be my favorite hour in television history. Let's get more specific.

• His name is Nestor Carbonell - And you should remember that name. It may be "Lost" heresy, but I'm saying it: Just weeks after Michael Emerson set the bar for the best single acting moment in "Lost" history ("He's the only one who'll have me"), Nestor Carbonell set the all-time episode mark. He was pitch perfect from the sad-sack husband to the frightened slave to the confused mortal at play with the Gods. He was perfection, and this episode could not have functioned without that high level of performance.
• Get back to where you once belong - Setting the entire episode for the most part in the past let us roll around in the whole of it. I love "Lost" for its style, intercutting places and times to chop up the story, but to see them go for a traditional episode structure was awesome. It proves once more that they don't rely on the structure they often use because they can't succeed in doing something else, they do it by choice.
• Back in black - To see the bad guy we've been fighting in his "true" form (although, after last night, I'm not even sure that is true) was a delight. I loved how his mannerisms matched Flocke's, how his constant bartering and tempting. These things would seem cheesy or easy if it wasn't for the nuanced performance and the detailed writing. Really, hats off. Jacob, too. They did a great job casting these guys.
• We're in Hell - We'll get to this...but I like it and I think they told us the truth. I feel the endgame coming. I FEEL it.
  

Things I didn't like

I should say nothing, because that's the truth. If I'm being picky...

• Hurley words - He shouldn't be used as a plot device, even if I liked the device. It was mostly sold by Nestor Carbonell's staggeringly beautiful performance.
• Ilana...uh, do something - First off, did anybody else get the impression that Jacob healed Ilana from that hospital bed? Anyway, if she's told Richard has the next step, don't just let him spout shit and run away. Make him talk to you. Or at least run after him quicker.
• Doctor death - I'm getting real nit-picky here, but couldn't Richard have actually killed the doctor in a better way than the "push death." If this were as common as it is in television shows, the country would have an epidemic. I know, I know, he hit his head on a table, but seriously...why not get into an actual fight. Again, nit picking.

Answers

Mount up.

• The statue - It was smashed by the Black Rock. We've wondered for years if it was eroded or what...now we know.
• The Black Rock - It was a slave ship. It did come about 150 years ago. It was owned by Magnus Hanso. It did not set out for the island but was pulled there.
• Richard's life - He's about 150 years old, was given that gift of immortality by Jacob's touch (which seemingly CAN give multiple gifts, not just immortality, as evident by Jacob's discussion about what he can't do). Side note: I love the presentation of Jacob as the ultimate free will guy. It's so great to see. I don't think he's God, but I do think he's been tasked by God to keep the Devil in check. The fallacy in most religious thought is that the Devil is as strong as God. He isn't. God is stronger, so one of his assistants can keep him in check. Anyway.
• God fight - The fight between the powerful beings has been going on far longer than 150 years. We have speculated that but now know it. We also know that the knives have specific power, that Dogen was repeating instructions that the MiB gave to Richard, and that Sayid is to Flocke what Richard is to Jacob.
• The island - It may or may not be hell, but it is sure as hell a "cork."
  

Reflections

I only have three that I want to include here.

• Hell it is - This is my big commitment and my major theory: This is Hell. They were not lying. What do I mean? I mean that there are two ways of reading "Lost." Just like I said above, you can go with the entertainment or you can go with the intelligent. What makes it work is that you can enjoy either or both. Same goes for the island's identity. It IS Hell in a literal sense in that two beings of incredible power are pit against one another. One good, one bad. The bad one is being kept ON THE ISLAND. The place where "the devil" or "evil incarnate" is kept, his "home" if you will (even if he doesn't like it) is Hell. It's Hell for him, because he's being kept from where he wants to be (what he considers "home" or "Heaven") and it's Hell for the world because that's where the GODDAMN DEVIL IS. This is obviously Hell in the abstract. But consider that these people all should have died. They didn't. This isn't literally the place their souls went because their bodies are there too. The problem is, we're thinking of this in a Judeo/Christian sense only. In a far more abstract way, they are now trapped in a confined location with a being of ultimate evil after undergoing an event that should have killed them and did separate them from "the living." They're in Hell. Now, the second part, the part that explains the flash sideways is this: Hell is simply the worst of all possible worlds. It may not have started out that way, but now the castaways are obviously in the worst of all realities. Loved ones are dead and everything good has been undone. Name one blessing the island provided that still holds. Even Locke's healing is undone by his death. The island reality, in contrast to the flash sideways, is the culmination of everything going wrong. It is Hell. I may be wrong, but boy did they give us evidence for this one. I love this idea.
• In the beginning - The episode's title, "Ab Aeterno," reminded me of something more than the obvious reference to Richard's origins. It reminded me to think of where the show started. That first episode, what things did we know: We saw the light/dark motif, we saw John Locke as a creepy/intriguing potential bad guy, and we heard the monster. I believe this show has always been about Jacob versus the Man in Black. It has always been about Good versus Evil, about faith, and about religion in particular without being about a particular religion. I think the creators of this show said "what if we put on an action/survival/mystery show about God and the devil?" And then they got away with it. Incredible.
• Hurley is not the new Jacob - I know it's a tempting theory. People I respect and love have argued it passionately. I think they're wrong and I think we've been told that it's wrong. Consider (1) Hurley is too nice of a guy, too lovable to be forced to have his send-off in the finale be a confinement to protect an island. Oh, he'd do it. He'd also do a great job at it. But as far as he's come, he's not the guy who can make the mean calls, the hard calls. He isn't the guy who can look down like Jacob did when Richard asked him why he just didn't directly involve himself and fix things and say "it's too easy, what's the point?" Hurley is the guy who lies to protect people's feelings, who would rather take the burden himself. Jack is the guy who has been groomed time and again to learn lessons about how to think beyond himself, how to make sacrifices, how to come to faith over an extended period without being directly being told. Let me bold this to make my point: When Jacob told Hurley that not everybody can be convinced by simply hopping into a cab, he was telling us that Hurley can't replace him and that Jack should. (2) This is simplistic, but don't count it out. The obvious Red Herring for this season, Hurley, is suddenly given a bright red shirt. People have speculated this is either a joke because of the doomed "Star Trek" red shirts or a sign he's going to die. Howsabout something more obvious, he's the giant red herring. (3) It wouldn't be satisfying. Think about it. It would be clever, maybe even cute, but not satisfying. Hurley didn't go through the hero's journey (more on that in a minute). Jack did. Sorry, but this is case closed to me.
  

I could go on and on and on and on but I need to stop. Instead, I'm going to wrap up and let my cousin James do some of the work. He sent me a DAMN fine piece on the writing for this episode that needs to be shared. I'll leave you with a grade (A+), a promise to be just as geeked next week (come on ACTION!), and a request that you keep talking with me and with each other about this. It's too great not to.

Now here's James:

Taken from Christopher Vogler's "The Writer's Journey."

1. THE ORDINARY WORLD. Canary Islands, 1867, Richard living a poor man's life with his sick wife, Isabella, who is gravely ill.
2. THE CALL TO ADVENTURE. After accidentally killing the doctor and being captured for murder, he is handed off to a slave trader, who wants to purchase Richard as a slave.
3. REFUSAL OF THE CALL. When he asks Richard if he speaks English, he doesn't reply, thus refusing the call.
4. MEETING WITH THE MENTOR. This step is missing, but in place of this some screenwriters (like me) call this the "debate" moment, where the hero realizes that if he stays in his world as is, he/she will die, and they must take this call to adventure, or die. For Richard, when he refuses to speak English, he's ordered to be hanged. Upon facing imminent death, he decides to answer the call, knowing this is his last chance to leave the old world behind. -Always an important step. Your hero must be willful and choose their journey.
5. CROSSING THE THRESHOLD. Richard sets sail as a slave chained to the lower level of the Black Rock slave/trade ship. He has left his old world behind.
6. TESTS, ALLIES AND ENEMIES. Richard struggles to survive at the hands of Whitfield, the Smoke Monster, and hunger/abandonment. He's scanned (tested) by the smoke monster. He sees Isabella again, and is tested by what appears to be his love, his biggest ally.
7. APPROACH. Richard is approached by MIB, sent on a task that will test his current flaw of believing he is in hell, and that flaw will be called into question when he approaches what he thinks is the devil's lair, and tries to find Jacob to kill him (only to get his ass handed to him by Jay Ninja)
8. THE ORDEAL. Richard is beaten senseless by Jacob, who baptizes him in the ocean (debatable), and tells him he can't absolve him of his murder sin or reunite him with his wife. Richard, as it appears at that moment, is in hell. No hope. All is lost.
9. THE REWARD. He tells Jacob then he wishes he could live forever, and Jacob gives him that gift, as well as job on the island. A new chapter begins, and he now sets forth as Jacob's representative. He hands the rock to MIB, and sets off. Act III has begun.
10. THE ROAD BACK. Cut to present. Richard's flaw is not yet fully healed. He's back to thinking he's in hell again. (testament to the best thing a writer can remember: a hero is his own worst enemy, and creates his own conflict) He wanders to the (beautiful) garden where he digs up his wife's necklace. He takes a step back into darkness. The battle isn't over. He calls out and surrenders to MIB.
11. THE RESURRECTION. Which is when Hurley appears, with a message from Richard's wife. She's standing right next to him. He needs to have faith. They are together now, and will be together always (or something like that). Richard faces his flaw and apologizes, and at the climax, chooses to be with her, knowing now she's by his side. His faith is restored. Richard has been resurrected. Flaw healed.
12. RETURN WITH THE ELIXIR. Richard expectantly will now go back to being a man of [Jacob] faith, and he will no doubt return back to the camp with the permanent revision of his flaw, and the reward of knowing now that his purpose on the island now continues, and he must take part in stopping MIB from ever leaving.

Which of course sets up a tragic ending ultimately for Richard, and I doubt he ever makes it back to camp in the coming episodes. I think he's a dead man walking, mainly because it's a writing technique now to feel good as audience that he's redeemed and has a new purpose, and the higher we feel now, the more it will hurt when the writers smash this all to hell and kill him in the coming episodes. He doesn't have a chance. Richard's a dead man walking. And it will hurt when he dies.

Two blockbusters but only one Will Smith

Dear Will Smith,

I like you. I mean, you know that. Everyone likes you. Hell, most Republicans like you, and you're both black and an alleged Scientologist. You make great movies when you try and good ones when you don't. In fact, I like you so much, I usually just pretend I never saw Hitch, that way I have no ill will. I'm writing you this because you're at a crossroads. It's a tiny crossroads, like imagine Papa Smurf and a Fraggle working together on a miniature transcontinental railroad, but a crossroads nonetheless. Although neither of these are going to be your Oscar movie, you should relax about that. We just gave a trophy to "The Dude" for basically playing an older version of "The Dude." Sandra Bullock has one now...that has to burn doesn't it. Anyway, I know you'll get your statue eventually, probably when you play a villain like I've been suggesting for forever because that will show you playing against type. No, what we're talking about here is your next mega-movie, your next top-grossing popcorn flick. You have two choices but can't do both because of time commitments: You can do Men in Black 3 or The City That Sailed. Obviously, we all know what MIB3 (sorry, it's okay if I use that sure-to-be-used abbreviation already, right?) will look like, but The City That Sailed would be something different. According to Variety, it's about "a girl, who moves to London, finds magic candles that make her wishes comes true, with unintended consequences: The island of Manhattan separates from the continent and floats toward England, bringing her dad ever closer." Mr. Smith, Will...that movie is going to suck. Oh, it sounds good. It sounds like it could have some spectacularly original visuals and potentially moving moments, but we both know that won't happen. It will get dumbed down and deflated. It will get turned into a turd, and we both know it. They'll get some schmuck like the douche behind Night at the Museum to do it, and before you know it I'm ready to light my eyeballs on fire as you whimper "I'm coming, baby" or whatever awful dialogue they drop on you. Consider, Etan Cohen who wrote Tropic Thunder and Idiocracy, two very funny movies, has written the MIB3 draft. Josh Brolin, a very good actor, is also attached. Also, you haven't made a GOOD Men in Black movie yet, so there's that. And we all love Tommy Lee Jones, but only when he's a familiar asshole and not a new asshole. Look, Will, I know that whichever project you pick will make more money than my entire family lineage will ever accumulate. But I implore you to choose the lesser of two evils. Complete the trilogy, if only to prevent yourself from starting a new one. Don't think it can happen? They want you to make a sequel to Hancock, Mr. Smith...Hancock. Just think about it. If you need any further career advice, like don't star in a movie that has a plot device involving jellyfish, you know where to find me.

Sincerely,
Ryan Syrek...I was going to say "your biggest fan," but I keep remembering movies you did I didn't like...so let's go with "moderate supporter.

Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 25)

I don't know if Sean and Jonathon Fallon, the two bloggers whose identities I identified on Nerdapproved.com, have been inundated with the products they relentlessly pimp, but if not they should be. Actually, if not, then why am I doing this? If an entire blog dedicated to pointing out the most awesome crap in the world can't get free awesome crap, my once-weekly begging is likely to fall on deaf ears (please, no Marlee Matlin jokes...not because I'm sensitive but because "Family Guy" already did those to death). So, if the brothers Fallon (I assume they're brothers, but they may be anything from cousins to legally wed) can let me know whether I'm wasting my time here, that would be great. Until then, it's a mere 2 months of shopping days until my birthday so I see no reason not to start your purchasing now.

Here's my list of GIMME GIMMES for this week:

1.) Coaster of death - I know it's totally not cool to make fun of natural disasters, but if it's my coaster making the joke, I'm cool with that.
Nerdapproved turned me on to this $12 item that turns the condensation from your tasty beverage into a torrent of terror for fictional denizens of the city depicted. Simulated flooding has never been more enjoyable. YOU get to experience both the delightful taste treat of whatever glorious cocktail you have in your highball glass. THEY get to suffer the fate of people not played by Jake Gyllenhaal in The Day After Tomorrow. Okay, seriously, I HAVE to stop referencing that movie. It sucks, and yet, I'm uncontrollably drawn to referencing it.

2.) The single nerdiest item I've ever pimped out - I have no place for this. I probably don't even want it. But I HAVE to show you what is the single nerdiest item in the history of nerdy items.
Again, Nerdapproved found the holy nerdvana. This is the periodic table of science fiction film and television. Yeah, you read that right. This also provides cool formulas like Avatar = Et + Matrix Revolutions + Lost in Space + XO Squad. That's brilliant. We've posted nerdy things here before, but this will straight up give you back your virginity, make Mountain Dew Code Red taste good, and give you public speaking anxiety. It's also totally beautiful. Look up on it and know the face of your (nerd) God.

3.) It is what it is - And it IS a ninja cutting your head off.
Threadless.com does it again. That's a shirt of a ninja cutting your head off. Instant cool. I know that you could argue that proportions are way off in this shirt, but I beg to differ. That ninja is actual size. If you're trying to tell me that a 12-inch ninja CAN'T cut your head off, I'd like to see you prove it.

That's it for my weekly wants. Pretty awesome, no?

Sayid Kills Someone and Other "Lost" Predictions

Folks, this is it. I am guilty of being prone to hyperbole, this much is true. When my wife does an impression of me, it usually involves me saying something was "the best ever" or "top 5 all time." I argue every point in life with the same intensity, which means "NO, YOU'RE THINKING OF MICKEY ROURKE NOT MICHAEL MADSEN" gets the same passion and energy as "if you pull that trigger, we all die." I am an intense mothertrucker. That said, I have never been this excited for an episode of a television show before. Sure, this excitement is likely to be replaced in just a few short weeks by the closing episodes of television's greatest series of my lifetime (see, no hyperbole here), but for now, I am just being honest when I say that I am more excited for this Richard Alpert-centric episode of "Lost" than I have been for most actual momentous occasions in my life.

What do I honestly hope happens? I hope that "Lost" catches us slightly off guard for one last time. Look, we know those last few episodes are going to be big revealers. They have to be. But this one, with nearly 10 hours still left, can reveal something big and surprise us. This may be our last "ohmygod what IS that? Is that some kind of HATCH" moment. They can bust out something like having Richard explicitly tell us what the island is, or give us the Man in Black's real name, or clarify one of 100 different little unexplained mysteries and surprise us. And I hope they do just that. Plus, I hope they give us a little more about Dharma too. It would be great if they helped tackle why Richard led a group that slaughtered a whole bunch of seemingly innocent people.

God, just thinking about this gives me the happy piss jitters. What about y'all? Is this a big moment in the series for you too? I mean, admit it, you worried we'd NEVER know about Richard, right? You HAD to worry when Walt was suddenly dismissed as a plot point. This is a special gift for us die hards tonight, and I cannot wait, I cannot wait, I CANNOT WAIT!

Oh, and as a reminder THE EPISODE WILL RUN AN EXTRA 6 MINUTES TONIGHT SO SET YOUR DVRs ACCORDINGLY.

Now, onto my predictions that are sure to be wrong.

1.) The island isn't what you think it is, it's.... - Yeah, I'm sayin' it. Tonight I think we find out what the island is. The producers have long held that the characters are more important than the mythology, so what a better way to prove that then by answering what may be the oldest "Lost" question in history. There's obviously enough mystery and intrigue left to resolve with Jacob and the MiB, not to mention the seemingly endless mini-mysteries we all fixate on, so why not give us something colossal, something that would springboard momentum for the remainder of the season. Why not tell us what the island is? I'll make a bold prediction as to just what I think it is: I think it's Eden. I have so many reasons to believe otherwise and absolutely no evidence (well, other than that the title of the episode, "Ab Aeterno," is LATIN for "in the beginning"...that sounds pretty biblical to me). That's my best, short stab at it. If it is revealed, it won't be some big long "back in the dawn of time" answer, it will be something simple and easy to grasp. I'm thinking this could happen folks.

2.) Blond boy RETURNETH - Yeah, I'm holding out hope we get not one, but TWO huge mythology answers. It's been a long time since we saw blond boy running around on the island. Last week's name-dropping of Aaron in connection to Flocke is enough to pique my curiosity. Is it possible shoeless, bloody blond boy is Aaron? Is it Jacob? I am hoping that we get an ANSWER tonight, but I'm thinking we at least get a glimpse of him. This is another one that they can give us without really ruining the bigger things.

3.) MiB is back in black - Given that this will likely hold a flashback of Richard, I'm thinking we may see the MiB back in non-Smokey, non-Flocke form. That's kind of exciting. If you think about it, an awful lot of mythology has been spent on a guy who we've only really seen for like one scene. That guy is a talented actor and I want more of him. I think we're going to see "the temptation of Richard," we're going to see how the MiB and Jacob both made pitches to him and how he chose the "good" side. This will occur in his flashback and directly mirror what is going on in the present day, which is his sudden loss of faith and struggle to commit to Jacob's wishes. Seriously, you just don't know how excited I'm getting thinking about this episode.

4.) Jack attack - I'm hoping we see more of "new" Jack, the dude willing to blow himself up with dynamite to prove a point. It's like Locke circa season 1-2, which is refreshing. I'm thinking Jack may have grown tired of Richard's "not yet" answer for what the hell is going on. If the show wants us to believe that Jack is the focal point, that he's central to whatever is going to happen then they have to do a good job putting him in that position for the remainder of the season. Let him take point with Richard. Let him get answers as to his upcoming "quest" by interrogating the ageless wonder. I wouldn't mind if this whole episode took place because Jack pulled Richard aside, took him on a walk, and said "Dude, eff your 'not yet' crap, I need to KNOW NOW." That would make me happy.

5.) Sayid kills someone - Richard. Yeah, I'm not kidding either. Okay, I'm kind of kidding. I don't think SAYID will actually kill Richard, but I do think Richard dies. Maybe at the hands of Flocke? Who knows. Point is, I think he's going to fulfill his 300-year destiny tonight. He's going to finally complete the task he's been granted near immortality to perform and then be released. We haven't seen really any death this season, which is weird because it is the end. I think this will be a significant moment. Of all the predictions, I feel most strong about this one. So you know I'm wrong.

Okay, that's it. Here's hoping I'm filled with that sense of wonder only "Lost" can do. Fingers crossed we get some magic tonight, guys. As always, any and all thoughts are welcomed.

Tuesday Quick Hits

It's a weird Tuesday. There's a bunch of low-level news floating about like purple horseshoes in my Lucky Charms bowl, and I couldn't decide whether to eat up now or save them until after I ate the far-more nutritious but far-less tasty non-marshmallow material. I could stretch one or two of these into full posts and save others until my junk is unleashed upon the world on Thursday...or I could just do the equivalent of a mini-junk exposure right now. I went with the latter.

Here are some weird and unimportant news nuggets for your Tuesday. See, I can shake things up.

1.) Spinach sponsors, get ready - Variety announced that Sony is making a 3D, CGI Popeye movie. Two thoughts: (1) - The last time we had a Popeye movie, it looked like this:

And that was WITH one of the greatest directors in history at the helm (Robert Altman). Allow me to submit the theory that Popeye is as unfilmable as the true face of God, as Thomas Pynchon's "Gravity's Rainbow," as an enjoyable Lindsey Lohan movie. Unless, of course, they base the CGI on Rick Baker's character design.
ENJOY KIDS!

2.) I told you so - Much, much shorter news, but Chris Evans has accepted as Captain America. With that, one of the strangest chapters in comic book adaptations closes. Now, who's going to play Bucky? Throw ole John Krasinski a bone, I could see him in that role.

3.) I told you so, part deux - Wes Craven IS going to come back to direct Scream 4 in between diaper changes. What? Dude is like 117 years old now. We still have no real grasp on what it is the movie will be about, but if original screenwriter Kevin Williams has a brain in his head, he'll make it about remakes somehow. I think the bringing together of the original cast (for the most part) is a good sign that remake skewering may be part of the point. Say what you will, that first Scream was positive genius, starting with the "one scene" marketing campaign featuring a never-hotter Drew Barrymore. Sadly, Neve Campbell is now approaching menopause. You can't go for the same audience, I hope Wes and Kev target the original audience with something clever and not a quick cash grab. Oh, and here's also hoping talk of a new "trilogy" is bullshit.

4.) Crappy video game movie will not die - I loved Spy Hunter as a kid. The cool music (bum bum bum bum bum, bum bum bum bum bum) and the simple but awesome game play were rad...back when "rad" was a word people used. I never once thought, "hey, this purple car driven by some person I never see should really be a movie. I mean, think of the rich characterization that can be had when he encounters an oil slick." Never. Well, over the last decade (no lie), about a dozen false starts have been initiated regarding this scintillating potential franchise...about A GUY DRIVING A FANCY SPY CAR. Another attempt at life is now forthcoming. Whether or not we see this, just know that America is committed to having a movie about a guy driving a spy car. We got health care passed, we can get this too.

5.) I love you, Emma Stone, but... - I think Emma Stone can be a lovely, gravel-voiced megastar.
She's got all of the talent necessary and has made some great flicks (ie, Superbad, Zombieland) but has also made some bad ones (The Rocker) and may be making another one. She's in talks to star in The Help, about a black maid in the South in the 1960s who "speaks candidly." Um, that sounds like terrible race bait material to me. I wouldn't touch that film with a thousand foot pole. How does that not come off either cliched or condescending. Emma, listen, you have a gift. You're both uniquely hot and have an awesome voice. Use that to seek out awesome and intelligent material and not, you know, this crap. If you need further help, you just call me. I'll be here.

Okay, so that's the news that's semi-fit-to-print today.

Holy Beans! Pinto is the new Bond girl!

I was going to be done for the day, but then I saw this: Yahoo UK is reporting that Freida Pinto is the new Bond girl. I wonder why?
I mean, that girl is HID-E-OUS. How could she possibly pull off the coveted role of being incredibly sexy? I mean, that's just not possible. Truth is, I've been excited for this Bond movie for about 5 years now. Ever since Casino Royale kicked off the badassery in full force, I knew it would be the END of the trilogy that finally brought 007 face-to-face with the big bad guy. I also knew they'd save the hottest Bond gal for that flick. Now, I'm going to be honest here, I don't know what kind of actress Pinto is. She's been in all of one movie and wasn't really challenged in that role. True, all she'll have to do to be a Bond girl is smile and look pretty, but what made the series reboot work so far is that it's about more than superficiality. Rumor has it that the new screenwriter, who also penned Frost/Nixon, is taking Bond to Afghanistan. That would be intriguing. Especially given who will accompany him. Aren't you glad I broke in to bring you this news? I know at least one of you is.

Weekend Box Office Results: Alice can (wonder) land in hell...

Okay, how long is this going to keep going? The success of Alice in Wonderland has officially made me root for How to Train Your Dragon to win next week. How do you think that makes me feel? I want the derivative Dreamworks 3D animated movie to topple the derivative Disney 3D movie. This is like choosing to date one gal above another because "she has more teeth." The only other news of note this box office day is that Diary of a Wimpy Kid overperformed. It's not really news that Repo Men underperformed (because that shit is weeeeeiiirrd). This weekend didn't really warrant any further reaction than this. I shall move on.

Here's the weekend results, haiku style:

1.) Alice in Wonderland - $34.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 95%)

If I were Burton,
I'd just use the same haiku
I already wrote.

2.) Diary of a Wimpy Kid - $21.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 75.5%)

Not a bad first week,
for a film I thought was dead.
It may get sequels.

3.) The Bounty Hunter - $21 million (Accuracy of prediction - 80%)

We'll forget this one
in a very short time frame.
Like right about now.

4.) Repo Men - $6 million (Accuracy of prediction - 67%)

Jude Law flops again
Why is it he's still famous?
His time may be done.

5.) She's Out of My League - $6 million (Accuracy of prediction - 100%)

Nothing left to say
This doesn't warrant more talk.
Um, I got nothing.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 83.5%

Yet another "B."
I suppose that's not too bad.
But no honor roll.

Okay gang, that's it for me. Happy Monday. Stay positive for the week ahead!

We may have our Captain America...

Sites across the net tripped balls late Friday, which is far after I'm done paying attention to movie news and well on my way to "Ryan Time" (which often involves watching movies...see the vast difference). Why was everyone freakin' out? Because word came down from Mount Marvel that the offer had been put out to the prospective Captain America. The winner of the increasingly weird derby (seriously, we all remember the brief stint during which John friggin' Krasinski was the front runner right) is none other than my pick of Marvel's hand-selected litter: Chris Evans. I would have preferred a number of other actors, without question. Ryan Gosling would have been an inspired choice, for example, but of the many, many, many douches short listed for this honor, this is the only one capable of doing a damn fine job. Evans has been superb in a number of roles and has exuded a confidence and charisma that he's desperately going to need if he's going to stand toe-to-toe with Robert Downey Jr's Tony Stark in The Avengers. Evans looks the part and has the chops, which is enough to make me applaud the decision to toss the shield his way, provided he accepts. Thus (potentially) closes what is perhaps the strangest chapter in casting history. This is as good a time as any to point out that my favorite Marvel adaptation currently is "Super Hero Squad," which does a better job capturing the spirit of what I love about the comics more than some of the major productions. If you love comics, you'll love this show, and since this is a Captain America post, I figured I'd give you a clip from an episode where Wolverine joins the "All-Captains Club." So funny and fun.



If Evans turns this down, lord help us all because we'll be back to square one, but for now, we can rest somewhat easy.

Movie Review: Repo Men

Seriously, this is a weird movie. It would be so easy to dismiss it as garbage, but it just isn't. It isn't a bad movie. It's like a Frankenstein's monster made up of about 7 good movies that somehow don't work together. Here's the best analogy I've got: Brad Pitt's got good features, right? But if you tore off his face and wrapped it around another dude's slightly differently shaped dome, it wouldn't work. Basically, the parts of this movie are all good, spectacular at times really...but they add up to something that's just flippin' weird. Anyway, here's my review.

Dude, Where’s My Segue?
Repo Men is worse than the sum of its parts

In the mood for a Matrix-style, sci-fi action orgy inspired by the Korean cult classic Old Boy? Do you have a hankering for a David Cronenberg–esque marrying of bodily mutilation and simulated sexual intercourse? Are you yearning for a throwback buddy cop movie? A tragic love story? Howsabout some philosophical speculative fiction pontificating on contemporary issues like debt, health care, runaway corporate greed and the violence of everyday life extrapolated to the Nth degree? You can see it all for the cost of one ticket and most of your sanity.

Director Miguel Sapochnik’s Repo Men is a mediocre movie made up of about five great ones. On their own, each 20-minute segment is remarkable and never dull; however, when combined, it’s practically gibberish. It’s as if writers Eric Garcia and Garrett Lerner sat in a room going “you know what else would be cool?” It’s like reverse pointillism, where each of the dots is beautiful but the painting gets uglier the further back you step.

The set-up is simple: Some time in the unspecified future, corporations have perfected artificial organs to the point where they save countless lives. The catch is that they’re stupid expensive, with a robo-heart costing nearly a million bucks. When customers fall behind on payments, Remy (Jude Law) and his war buddy–turned–repo partner Jake (Forest Whitaker) show up, knock ‘em out, cut ‘em open and reclaim the organs.

The men engage in this grotesque and graphic occupation on the grounds that “a job is a job,” a phrase repeated until the audience is sufficiently bludgeoned with the “all actions have consequences” message. Remy realizes these consequences when an accident forces him to become a recipient of a fake heart and leaves him deeply in debt to his former employers, fronted by his boss Frank (Live Schreiber). Afflicted with a crisis of conscience, Remy hops ship, hooks up with a cracked-out lounge singer (Alice Braga) and attempts to right his wrongs with copious blood letting.

Every time the film seems ready to settle in to a pattern, it gets ADD. Law and Whitaker, who both turn in surprisingly strong performances given the madcap material, must have gotten thematic whiplash. Law in particular goes from family man struggling with the morality of his occupation (think unscrupulous insurance agent…only he actually kills people) to star-crossed tragic lover of a woman who had logged all of two minutes of screen time. The only consistency is visual, as Sapochnik made one hell of a directorial portfolio, proving he can shoot still, quiet moments as effectively as he can lens graphic sex or violence.

Undone by a clunky script, the “twist” ending finally proves too much, and Repo Men gives up the ghost in the machine, figuratively and literally. Had Garcia (a first-time film writer) and Lerner (who has only penned TV shows) been aided by a seasoned cinematic screenwriter, we may have been talking about a burgeoning cult classic. Instead, we’re left scratching our entertained but confused noggins and asking “what the hell was that?”

Grade = C+

Weekly Round-Up

So what did we learn this week?

We learned that you can exchange a Jolie for a Downey.
We learned that I'm the only one not up for Captain America.
We learned that "Lost" predictions are fun, but the show is better.
We learned that I will never run out of junk.

Not bad for being out of commission on one of those days. Okay, have a great weekend. Be safe. Be well. I'll catch you on Monday.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

If the adage in real estate is "location, location, location," the adage for movies is "scheduling, scheduling, scheduling." Nothing is positioned to compete against Alice in Wonderland. Now, the rationale from the other studios is "boy howdy, look at all the money that movie is making, I'm glad we didn't open anything against it!" What they don't realize is that it's making that much money because they didn't open anything against it. In a move akin to Pepsi saying "you know, a lot of people are buying Coke, so why don't we just wait until they're done spending money on that," Hollywood often confuses wisely avoiding the first or second weekend of a big film with stupidly abandoning a whole month. What's happening right now with Alice is positive to me in one way and one way only: It's making Summer-type money in the first three weeks of March. As I've said before, if you release something people want to see, even if it's off-season, even if other things are in the theater, people will go see it. In this case, I wish people didn't want to go see Alice, but you get the idea. That's my very topical box office rant. I now return you to your predictions:

Here's how I see the weekend, haiku style:

1.) Alice in Wonderland - $38 million

Lessons can't be learned
by T. Burton and J. Depp
with this much success.

2.) The Bounty Hunter - $17 million

This looks like a turd.
Aniston's career is crap.
Hmm..."Friends" reunion?

3.) Diary of a Wimpy Kid - $15 million

The books are well known,
but the movie has no hype.
That does not bode well.

4.) Repo Men - $10 million

Jude Law has talent
but is kind of a creeper.
That won't help him here.

5.) Green Zone - $7 million

More Iraq War flop...
People would rather forget
how bad we effed up.

WILDCARD - She's Out of My League
- $6 million
Forgive me for this:
She's Out of My League...and this
is out of my list

Wolfman nard lovers, rejoice!

True story: When we first got our VCR, I was living in Wisconsin. My dad was at work, and my mom took me and my sister across the street to one of those stores that don't have an actual business name, they just have a sign for what they do. She took us to Beer, Cheese, Wine, Video (obviously, we were only after cheese and video at that point). My sister rented an "Inspector Gadget" cartoon. I conned my mom into renting Monster Squad. If you don't know what that is, here's the preview:

Yeah, that's right, back in the late 80s, they let kids star in things that weren't cutesy pieces of crap like Alvin and the Chipmunks and Hotel for Dogs. They let kids star in a movie where they shot guns, fought unholy demons from the beyond, and kicked Werewolves in the nards. Now that, my friends, is entertainment. I thought the movie was AWESOME, but my sister didn't sleep for a month. She still has flashbacks I think. For years I've wondered why they haven't remade this one, with new special effects and whatnot (I wonder the same thing about that one movie where Howie Mandell played a monster). Now they are. Deadline is reporting that the guys who are intent on remaking every single horror movie ever made, Platinum Dunes, are ready to remake this one. This makes me happy. I actually think if they did this right, which they probably won't, this could be awesome. First off, there's going to be the temptation to move up the ages of the characters, meaning they're going to want a CW cast with nubile teen starlets and likely gay male hunks. This is bad. The original worked because the KIDS were fighting the monsters. You lose the funny and originality when people who have facial hair get involved. Then you just have a big screen version of "Supernatural." Second, they're going to want to either radically pussify the action/horror or radically increase it. Either way is dumb. You should keep it at that perfect level, the level that terrified my 8-year-old sister while elating her 10-year-old brother. Finally, they're going to want to play it as a B-movie. Here's the thing, it IS a B-movie, you don't have to PLAY it that way. This is where people go wrong. Snakes on a Plane collapsed because it was so obvious they were trying to be intentionally B-movie-licious. You just need to redo it with modern effects and call it a day. Oh, and if you change that nard line, I'll stab you.