Weekend Box Office Results: 'Tis Better to Suck in 3D

Ah, the power of 3D. I love how horror movies are acting like this is something new, like Jaws 3D never existed. How dare you forget Jaws 3D? That movie changed the world, dammit. Anyhoodle, here's the horror-flavored sloppy seconds that was the first non-summer weekend.

Here are the (haiku-d) results:

1.) The Final Destination - $28 million (Accuracy of prediction - 93%)

3D glasses rule
Remind me of Max Headroom.
I miss the 80s.

2.) Inglourious Basterds - $20 million (Accuracy of prediction - 84%)

QT saves the day!
The Weinstein Company lives!
Is that a good thing?

3.) Halloween II - $17.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 78%)

Bye bye Rob Zombie.
Your mainstream days are over.
I will not miss you.

4.) District 9 - $10.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 98%)

I will own this film.
I can't wait for the extras.
I want more right now!

5.) GI Joe: Rise of Cobra - $8 million (Accuracy of prediction - 91%)

So far, just boys toys.
Live-action Rainbow Brite time?
It's only fair now.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 89%

If I keep this up.
It may look like I'm not dumb.
But you know better.

That's it. Happy Monday gang!

Redonkulous action movie sequel news, part deux

No way Sylvester "No, this is actually my face now" Stallone lets Michael "I hate people who watch my movies" Bay get the headlines without firing an exploding round into his skull: Rambo 5 is happening. Sly has said for years that Rocky Balboa was the last Rocky film and Rambo was the last Rambo film. Well, Stallone lies like he was at a town hall meeting speaking out against health care reform. According to Variety, this film will be totally unlike anything Rambo has ever had to confront before, as he'll be in the jungle fighting to rescue a girl from drug lords. All joking aside, Stallone had mentioned that if there were to be another Rambo movie, it would be really out there. I was interested in that film, which I only assumed could be Rambo trying to reason his way out of a problem with the power of diplomacy and conversation ("No, I'm just saying that if you are willing to consider my position...Hey, Tuk Tuk, eyes off my weirdly sagging nipples, we're negotiating here"). That, or they could make it a comedy (This summer, Rambo faces his biggest threat yet: Freshman Year. "I swear to you, if you don't pass me in this introduction to public speaking course, I'm going to disembowel you."). I'm just saying, I think there are ways to continue this noble franchise without having to make Stallone wade out into the middle of the jungle when you know damn well how brittle those hips have to be at this point. Bonus question: Is Rambo about to kill this snake or make out with it?

I know what I'm gonna do: Barf!

If I'm being honest, which I almost never am, I kind of like both Bad Boys movies. In the first one, Will Smith wasn't quite Big Willie yet, and Martin Lawrence was just untalented, not untalented and fat. It was stupid, fun, and made Tea Leoni look hotter than lava-flavored hot tamales (yeah, TEA LEONI). Then, some time later, came Bad Boys II, which is basically Michael Bay's Sistine Chapel. They invade Cuba in the end. Seriously, you read that right, they INVADE CUBA. Somehow two cops end up driving effin' tanks and whatnot in Cuba. That's just...I mean, you have to admit that's totally rad. Oh, don't get me wrong, it had all the sophisticated intellect of a frat boy discussion on how to get less foam from the keg, but it was still awesome. Thus, The Hollywood Reporter's breaking news that Columbia has hired a writer to start working on a third film leaves me feeling, Lord, I don't know. Yes, they are hoping to get Smith, Lawrence, and the perpetrator of Transformers 2: Rise of the Steppin' Fetchit-bots to come back, but Smith is now WILL SMITH, Lawrence weighs 735 pounds and is I believe 65 years old, and Michael Bay now commands a directorial salary of 3 billion dollars along with 2 blonde virgins and an unnamed foreign country. Obviously, without them this means nothing, but with them it could be a bookend to the dumbest enjoyable action trilogy that's ever existed. Besides, Lawrence needs the work (physically for his impending diabetes and heart trouble and financially if he wants to keep the house that "Damn, Gina" built). My only request: they have to up the ante on the ridiculous racial stereotyping in this one. I mean, Bay HAS to challenge himself somehow.

Movie Review: Paper Heart

Well, you know, they can't all be winners. Paper Heart was a little movie I thought had a chance to be quite good. Instead, it's a little movie that is just that: it has little actual spark, little substance, and little laughs. Also, I'm now worried for this woman:



She may well be mentally challenged in some way but I'm afraid people believe it to be an act. We may need to stage an intervention. At any rate, here's the review.

Que Cera, Cera?
Paper Heart and the mystery of Michael Cera

The degree to which you enjoy Paper Heart depends on whether you wish to deliver harm or hugs to its lead, Charlyne Yi, whose on-screen persona is basically that of a hipster Forrest Gump. Writer/director Nick Jasenovec’s film is a mash-up of a documentary and a fictional romantic comedy filtered through a not-quite-as-charming-as-he-thinks lens of quirk, the result of which is the equivalent of a clichéd Valentine’s card written by Kings of Leon. Paper Heart is a sometimes endearing, often trite and ultimately inconsequential endeavor that feels like the sort that would be lauded as genius if Jasenovec was in his teens.

The concept is that Yi, whose dimples have their own area code, doesn’t believe in and has never been in love. This cloyingly convenient premise leads to Jasenovec’s proposal that Yi travel around the country (mostly in the southern Midwest) and talk to random people, philosophers, scientists and other assorted odd folks to better understand what love is. The fictional element emerges when Yi meets real-life boyfriend, Michael Cera, who continues to defend his crown as the king of charming awkwardness. Interspliced between segments animated with paper-and-fabric puppets re-enacting the sticky-sweet stories told by the people Yi interviews, Cera and Yi engage in a bizarre reimagined version of their actual courtship, jam-packed with all of your favorite romantic comedy clichés, including the “meet cute,” the “convenient misunderstanding” and the “what are you doing here on my porch” reunion.

It’s easy to see where Jasenovec, who appears on camera almost as much as Yi or Cera, believed that he and Yi were being clever. That they chose to basically attempt to shake-up the rom-com format by shattering the fourth wall is well-intentioned if not well-executed. The problem is primarily two-fold: the interviewees are as spectacularly ordinary as the interviewer is nutty, and the whole Cera and Yi courtship feels like spying on the two kids from high-school you thought would be alone forever while they try to practice making out. Their “first-kiss” follows a grocery shopping excursion that feels like an outtake from I Am Sam.

In fact, the only time during the film when Yi seems at home is when she questions children on a playground, which is easily the most entertaining segment. The hygiene-challenged, self-described musician/comedian seems most comfortable talking about cooties. Paper Heart’s entire premise is that Yi is watchable, a premise that is not automatically bankable.

Look, there is nothing wrong with a tiny independent film that blends docu-style with romantic truisms. It just isn’t anywhere near as “special” as its lead seems to be. The lingering question from the movie has nothing to do with whether Yi is capable of love or some new definition of that emotion; it mostly has to do with Michael Cera. Is he really the physical incarnate of geek chic or has he become so submerged in his craft that even he no longer knows where his persona stops and his actual person begins? Sadly, we may never know.

Grade - C

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Horror films populate a horrifying week. I'm ready for the weekend. Let's get to doin' the haikuin'.

Here's how I see it:

1.) The Final Destination - $24 million

This title is lame.
Just adding a "the" is dumb...
So that's why it fits.

2.) Halloween 2 - $22 million

Rob Zombie is back!
As two horror films square off.
I know who loses.

3.) Ingluorious Basterds - $17.5 million

This was a huge hit.
Everyone loves Nazi death...
maybe not Nazis.

4.) District 9 - $10 million

What a great movie.
I can't wait to rewatch it.
It makes me happy.

5.) GI Joe: Rise of Cobra - $6.5 million

You had a good run.
It was better than I thought.
It's time to go now.

WILDCARD - Julie and Julia - $5.5 million

Also did quite well.
But it's time to finish up.
No more leftovers.

That's it gang, have a great weekend.

Time to play the Twilight caption game again

Okay, the reason this is "news" is that apparently people who love Twilight have been waiting to see how some specific vampires played by famous people are going to look...and they look, well, every bit as generic as everything else in the godforsaken series. But, hey, this is what some people want, so we're going to now play the game: Let's give each one of these images of whatever the hell "The Volturi" are three funny captions each! It's my favorite game that doesn't involve nudity or money.

First up is Michael Sheen as Aro:



Caption 1 - "Oddly enough, Mandy Moore has the other half of this BFF necklace."
Caption 2 - "If you look like a pervy creeper clap your hands..."
Caption 3 - "Laugh it up, this pays 73 times what I made for Frost/Nixon."

Next up is Cameron Bright as Alec



Caption 1 - "Oh, um, 'juicy hooker red by Mabeline' thanks for asking."
Caption 2 - "My belt buckle says 'Bad Mother Sucker' if you look close."
Caption 3 - "You can't tell, but the back of this jacket is bedazzled like hell."

Here's Jamie Campbell Bower as Caius



Caption 1: "Don't tell me I don't know how to make sparklefingers. I will SHOW you mothers how to make sparkle fingers."
Caption 2: "I'm bring the ascot back."
Caption 3: "You like this pose? Criss Angel taught it to me."

Here's Christopher Heyerdahl as Marcus



Caption 1: "Thank you all for coming to the Hoboken Senior Citizen Center's production of Hamlet."
Caption 2: "So then I says, bullshit I can't milk a cow that big, watch me."
Caption 3: "Do I look too Crispin Glover-y? I feel like I look too Crispin Glover-y."

And finally, the one you've been waiting for, Dakota Fanning as Jane



Caption 1: "This is me smiling."
Caption 2: "If this doesn't change my image, I'm going to have to boob punch Abbie Breslin."
Caption 3: "See, I'm scary! Boo, I says. I says 'I'm-a getchoo."

Try it on your own, it's waaaay better than any dialogue in the movie.

Ryan's Junk Drawer

What has two thumbs and turns in columns late? THIS GUY! Wow, that does not translate without the visual. Lo siento about this being a day late, but on the upside, my junk drawer has stuff in it now. Yesterday, it was just a drawer, an empty, boring drawer with nothing but sadness and ennui inside. Today, it's packed-to-the-motherlovin-gills with useless bits 'o tid. Now, aren't you glad I waited?

Here are the top 5 marginally interesting-but-not-interesting-enough-to-warrant-their-own-post stories of the week

1.) Who is this man, and why does he love dinosaurs - Pixar is sooo beloved. "How beloved are they?" They are so beloved, that we will all stare at this guy's cubicle:

No, not just because he has dreamy eyes and a beard that says both "I may be homeless" and "I'm saving that pizza for later." Because behind him there be dinosaurs...and because he works for Pixar. Now, before you go too far, this man is Greg Dykstra (no relation to Lenny...actually, I have no way of knowing that). He has not directed a movie for Pixar, so it is very likely he's going to be making a short film for them (that's how they roll at the best studio in America...they treat those pre-feature short films like triple A baseball affiliates, warming up their talent for their shot at the big time). No matter what, it looks like this tiny clip of a behind-the-scenes featurette has given us conclusive, dare I say rock-effing-solid proof that Pixar and dinosaurs may meet in a world other than my imagination. I just got the good tummy tingle.

2.) I will stare at this movie - These days, what passes for a comedy concept is as follows: Option 1 - "Hey, what would happen if the guy from Paul Blart turned into a chicken at night?" Option 2 - "Hey, we should make a sequel to Man-Chicken."
Option 3 - "Hey, we should turn Roots into a movie...only we'll make it a comedy starring Ashton Kutcher and Renee Zellweger"
That's why I'm excited about The Men Who Stare at Goats, which isn't a Cohen brothers movie, but sure looks like one. I don't have much to say, other than, watch this trailer and tell me you won't see it.



3.) So, this means the White Zombie reunion tour is still off? - If you were sitting there thinking, I sure do like Rob Zombie...well f**k you. I kid, of course, you're entitled to love whoever you want so long as you promise not to want to marry them. Anyhoodle, Variety is reporting that Zombie isn't done with the remake-shenanigans and tomfoolery, as he is going to make a $30-million, R-rated version of The Blob, presumably because the people at the studio are too tired to light their money on fire. Given the groundbreaking special effects work on "The Biggest Loser," there is a chance that the visuals alone will be worth it. That said, there's no reason for this film to exist other than a contractual obligation between all of humanity to duplicate every single work of art before we are wiped off the planet by swine flu or whatever. So, thanks Rob Zombie for agreeing to keep us on pace for extinction!

4.) Here's how this works, you say Rachel Weisz and I agree to see your movie - Alejandro Amenabar is a talented filmmaker who looks like he's ready to take a big step. How big? Like the start of the Dark Ages big. Like giant Roman setpieces and Rachel Weisz in a toga big. Supposedly, Angora is about a woman who tries to reason against religious fanatics who threaten to usher in the Dark Ages. Wait, religious fanaticism that results in backward progress of humanity? A woman who is shouted down for using reason by people with pitchforks and fire? It is a good thing this is in no way applicable to modern life. You know what you never see? A logic fanatic. "I'm going to burn this whole place down in the name of rational thought." Here's the foreign trailer.



5.) We now begin the slow, inevitable march towards District 10 - We all know it's going to happen. You don't make a movie as good or as profitable as District 9 and not have Hollywood hook up a milk machine to the creative teat until the thing runs dry. So, no shock that Neil Blomkamp told Scifiwire that he's begun kicking around ideas. One of which is the inevitable District 10, which would follow the main character of Wikus (somehow) and yet will take place on earth still. There's also the chance that a prequel may be considered, though I think we've explored a lot of those concepts in the shorthand within District 9. Blomkamp doesn't seem to want to take the film off earth, but allow me to offer a bit of advice: The shaky-cam, docu-style of this film was a surprise. It won't be next time. Don't try to repeat the same thing. Go Aliens to your Alien and make a united-but-different movie. Take it off world. Use the budget they'll give you. You have a great voice, now use it! Supposedly, the man of the sci-fi hour will be making another project first. I'm there. Whatever it is. I'm there.

That's it for the junk drawer. Sorry it was late. It will likely happen again.

Toot toot time

Don't tell people who have to use this mode of transportation for commuting purposes daily, but trains are, dare I say it, cool. In fact, I would hasten to say that were I born a century ago, I would have been a train conductor. I have no real skills in that area, but as far as I can tell, the job involves wearing a wicked-sweet jumpsuit and making a giant beast of steel go "toot toot" sometimes. I can do that. I bring this up because this weekend (starting tomorrow actually, but if you don't consider Friday part of the weekend, you don't have a job) the Durham Museum in Omaha (at 801 South 10th Street) is hosting the "Disney's A Christmas Carol" Train Tour, which involves a 3D sneak peek at the new movie starring an animated version of Jim Carrey...so this is sort of like that Avatar preview only you don't have to worry about tickets or unrealistic blue human kangaroo thingies. Okay, you do have to worry about the somewhat creepy motion capture technology, but since the movie is based on a story that has ghosts and a bit of creep-i-tude associated with it, I'm down with that (it was harder to accept when I was supposed to LIKE Tom Hanks in The Polar Express, when the whole time I thought he was there to take my soul). The exhibit will show off four classic train cars and will also feature fake snow and live carolers because, you know, August 28 isn't too early to start thinking about what you're going to buy me for Christmas (hint: Blu-ray player, Batman: Arkham Asylum, and my own professional sports team). Admission is free (to the event, not admission to my heart, which will cost you a Blu-ray player and Batman: Arkham Asylum at least), so you have no excuse not to go down and get yer train on.

Yes, but would a Spielberg pirate movie be rated ARRRRRGGGH?!

Ah, pirate humor, is there no ill you can't cure with your scurvy-ridden, syphilitic charm? Michael Crichton, who was an average novelist and (if you read some of the crazier stories) a total douchehammer, had written an unpublished novel about pirates before he passed away. As you may know, pirates are now only slightly less bankable than nubile actresses with a penchant for sex tapes. It should come as no surprise then that, according to USA Today (yes that paper still exists), this book:



is gonna be a movie, potentially directed by Steven Spielberg but definitely produced by him. I would like to point out that this was Crichton's second choice for a title, the first being "Scallywag Longitude," which I think we all would have appreciated a bit more. I should also point out that the synopsis, which I could barely make it through, reveals that the plot is set in the Caribbean and involves some measure of "adventure." Okay, I skimmed it, I honestly couldn't get through it. This really just brings me to an excellent question nobody asks: How is it that these artists of all kinds have "unpublished materials" when they die? I'm fully alive and I can't bring myself to finish a novel. If I had a novel finished, I would release it unless something stopped me. The only way I have an "unfinished novel" is if you find it in my hands when I die on the way to try to publish it. All of this (the pirate adaptation, not the dying stuff) is good news for Speilberg who has wanted to do his own pirate movie (supposedly) since I'm guessing Hook instilled in him the desire. So help me Jeebus if one of those pirates says "Bangarang" I'm going to laugh until I pop a kidney.

Megan Fox to use her toe thumbs for EVIL!

I know this flies in the face of everything I, as a red-blooded, heterosexual male, should hold dear, but Megan Fox really doesn't all that much for me (and I don't mean she doesn't do my taxes or the laundry, I mean doesn't produce the results on me she produces on the rest of the world). Sure, she has some awesome parts, but so does a GTO and I don't want to pork that. She's obnoxious in interviews, has yet to reveal any talent, and has a speaking voice that, dare I say, makes me long to impersonate Hellen Keller. So, let me be one of the first among many to cry out and call the latest rumor from British fish wrap "The Sun," that Miss Talentless Toe Thumbs is going to be Catwoman in the as-of-yet-unwritten, as-of-yet-unagreed-upon Batman 3 as total and utter bull puckey. I don't think Christopher Nolan would suffer the talentless whiner, and it in no way seems to fit the world that the man has so meticulously created. I know that everyone is obsessed about who the new villain (or villains...or villainess) will be but it's time we stop just guessing. If I were to make a recommendation, it would be to avoid the "double-villain maneuver" this time (which sounds an awful lot like a dirty Kamasutra position) and I would opt for just one...and I would in fact make it The Riddler. Obviously, if you've read the blog before, you know that my major recommendation is to nut-up and make The Dark Knight Returns (God, the title just fits perfectly in this position), fastforwarding 20 or so years and allowing a NEW actor to play the Joker to continue what was a great story. Hell, you set up in the last movie that Batman had to go underground at the end, which means you don't even need to have some intricate side-story like they did in the comic about how "all heroes are outlawed." You can just fast forward 20 years and tell the end of this bat-trilogy before someone else reboots in next time out. Anyway, that's not going to happen because the mainstream public is more obsessed with doody like "Megan Fox is going to be dressed in leather," like that is in anyway something we haven't seen before. BLERG! In the real-world, I endorse The Riddler (not necessarily Johnny Depp...in fact, I wouldn't go that route, but I'd use somebody like...OH, I'VE GOT IT ACTUALLY, it should be Cristoph Waltz, the guy who played Hans Landa in Inglourious Basterds...God, I'm gooooood). The reason is that he would allow Nolan to play the mind games and grittiness, the detective work and insanity themes that he's developed for years now. It works. It isn't ideal, but it also isn't Megan Fox as Catwoman. That's my two cents. Oh, and just because, here's the Megan Fox spoof video that cracks my shit up again.

Bekmambetov is Russian for "no duh"

If you have yet to see Angelina Jolie's Wanted...I don't really care. It's fun, but nothing too terribly enthralling, and I'm about to ruin the ending for you (in case you care) in order to reveal how they're going to have Jolie bring her kickin' curves (I'm talking about her lips) back for Wanted 2: Want S'more. The movie, about a league of assassins who kill people (because they are trying to restore order) are told who to murder by a giant tapestry and...you know what, I'm going to skip all the crazy and get to the end. Jolie's character gets shot in the cabeza, something that several people have expressed a desire to do based on things not involving her fictional assassin work. So, the question has long been "how do you bring the star that people care about back to make a sequel after you made her brains all gooey (okay, gooey-er)?" Well, MTV considers this an EXCLUSIVE, so prepare yourself to deal with the obvious: In the movie, there are baths that heal you (don't ask, really, don't). The director has confirmed EXCLUSIVELY TO MTV that they are going to say someone put her in the magic tub, a solution that it took literally seconds to create. And there you go...except that the end of the movie seems to take place a little while after the climactic shootout and nobody dragged Jolie's hot carcass to the bath that makes her feel better. You know what, this movie is getting stupider every time I try to describe something from it. I really enjoyed the kinetic energy of it all, the spectacle and adrenaline of it, but good lord is it apparently the dumbest thing I've ever had to synopsize. I'm just going to move on now.

Things you should buy me (Volume 1)

Look, being a nerd ain't easy on the wallet, okay? I mean, people just assume that all of us became rich and invested in software design companies instead of putting everything we own on Black on the roulette wheel (I was assured that since Red had come up 5 times in a row, Black was "due"). Combine a general lack of funds with a desire to own everything even slightly nerd related and you get a constant feeling of disappointment not unlike an atheist's kid at Christmas. I just want to own everything, is that so wrong? Today will be the first in an ongoing weekly installment of a column I will call "Things You Should Buy Me," because really...you should (or, better yet, you should just have companies send things to me to "test" and "promote" on the site because I am a "whore" who would "do it"...once you get started sarcastic quoting, it's hard to stop). So, here's the first group of shit I expect to find in my mailbox (you can get the address by asking me for it at film@thereader.com...but first you have to tell me what you're giving me so I can decide if I'd rather have it sent to an enemy).

Where the Wild Things Are Soundtrack - Seriously? Karen O from the Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs (one of my favorite bands) is doing the entire album with a group of kids?! (A) Those kids are going to come home smelling like fingernail polish, hairspray, and sadness. (B) I wants it. The first song is streaming on something called "Myspace" here. The full album drops on September 29, so start saving your pennies now. I would like it the day of release, please. You can get it anywhere music of any kind is sold, so you have no excuse.

Batman: Arkham Asylum for the X-Box 360 - I don't buy a ton of video games, but this is one you should totally give me. Not only is it supposed to be just bat-tastic, but I've heard it has elements of creepy-awesome and violent-rad. It should have been easy to make a good Batman game by now, but they haven't, so I think you should get me this one to celebrate the achievement. Batman has both comic books and movies with him in it, so it would count as double the research. You can buy it at Wal-Mart while you're there buying jumbo packs of underpants.



Up on Blu Ray...oh, and a Blu Ray player - Look, this is just getting ridiculous. How can I, a well-respected, er, respected, er, somewhat ignored, er, totally obscure movie critic continue to do my job (and by job, I mean mindless, idle blather) without you buying me a Blu Ray player? And, if you buy me that (and really, any one will do), why wouldn't you buy me a disc to go with it. Particularly this one, which comes with the cute lamp thing. Seriously, this isn't a gift for me. It's a gift for you, so that I can keep doing my job. You can buy this when you buy the X-Box game at any store with electronics. Please?



Okay, that will be it for now. But save up, I'll want more next week.

Maybe the villain in Hancock 2 will be someone Will Smith farts on

You know what the lamest part of Hancock was? No, not the costume. No, not that it devolved into the EXACT same comic book origin story the novel it was based on was designed to spoof. No, not the absolutely batshit crazy backstory about Gods who somehow sap each other's powers because people don't believe in them (basically, they are powered by the Tinkerbell theorem). No, not the fact that the love between Charlize Theron and Will Smith's characters that had lasted many centuries was thwarted by Jason Bateman's nerdly charming. No, not the fact that the first half was actually quite fun and fresh and the end was collectively (see above) a total Cleveland steamer. Nope, it was the fact that the bad guys, the villainous foils for the God (literally) that was Hancock...were the guy who got his hand cut off by Hancock in a bank robbery and a guy who had his head shoved up someone's asshole by Hancock in prison. Seriously. There's no reason to have a second Hancock movie...so, they're making a second Hancock movie. Director Peter Berg rambled to Sci-Fi Wire about possible ideas (all of them suck), including another God being out there for Hancock to deal with (ooooh). What we're left with is a run-of-the-mill superhero movie that just happens to star Will Smith, who can make anything passably entertaining. Don't worry, though, they hired Adam Fierro and Glen Mazzara to write it, and between them they've worked on several episodes of television shows, including the beloved "Nash Bridges." So, yeah....

Movie Review: Ponyo

I know that the official name of this movie is not Ponyo. That's the bastardized American version. I'm a bastard American, so I don't care. I did not write this review; it was written by my esteemed colleague Mr. Ben Coffman. That said, we talked a lot about the film, and his opinion seems understandable. Personally, I have a sick thing for hand-drawn animation. It just touches me in all my childlike places (wait, that sounds really wrong). Point is, I just get a unique joy out of seeing something that wasn't rendered by a computer. I always have. So, on the one hand, I appreciate the shit out of Miyazaki. On the other...that stuff be straight-up WEIRD yo. Some of it looks like this pretty nonsense:


My favorite is Princess Mononoke, mostly because it has some measure of a linear storyline for me to follow. Spirited Away sure was purty, but it made so little sense that it was basically like having David Lynch try to fingerpaint my dreams. I think that there's nothing wrong with enjoying the madness and pure visual fun of Miyazaki's less-American-friendly material, but I also think there's nothing wrong with Ben's point either.

For Love of Fish
Miyazaki’s Ponyo flounders
Ben Coffman

Perhaps the reason that director Hayao Miyazaki, the godfather of hand-drawn Japanese animation, is still somewhat unknown domestically, despite being the owner of a shiny Academy Award for Spirited Away, is that something in his films is lost in translation. In Miyazaki’s latest film Ponyo (or, if you prefer, Gake no ue no Ponyo), all of his hallmarks are present, including dream logic and magical realism…but the result is something less than a magical dream.

Ponyo begins with a jailbreak, as the titular fish (voiced by Noah Lindsey Cyrus, younger sister of jailbait/pop tart Miley) wriggles free of her underwater home and escapes her father Fujimoto (Liam Neeson), an enigmatic, morally ambiguous wizard with Neptune-like powers. Like Ariel in The Little Mermaid, Ponyo longs to visit the surface. However, unlike Ariel, Ponyo is a goldfish with a human’s face, the oceanic equivalent of bat boy. In short, she’s hideous, but no one in the film seems to notice.

After accidentally trapping herself in a glass bottle, Ponyo is rescued from the sea by 5-year-old Sosuke (Frankie Jonas, younger brother of teen heartthrobs The Jonas Brothers). In an attempt to sweep Ponyo back into the sea, Fujimoto send a living wave (the Ponyo equivalent of the winged monkeys in The Wizard of Oz) toward Sosuke. “That was weird,” says the boy, as he jumps out of the way. Yes, that was weird. But just wait.

The two children form an instant bond, and Sosuke shows off his new fish friend to his mother Lisa (Tina Fey) before eventually losing Ponyo to the sea. But don’t worry—Ponyo and Sosuke are reunited after a difficult-to-explain event “opened a hole in the fabric of reality”—a huge understatement, as the fabric of reality in this film wouldn’t make a suitable G-string. The film’s gobbledygook plotlines make further synopsis useless.

Although creating a film from hand is an admirable task, sympathy for hand-cramped illustrators and/or nostalgia for Disney’s golden age cannot carry Ponyo. Too much of the film’s charm is derived from a quaint production style and its innocent, five-year-old lead characters. Originality is sorely lacking, as plot-wise, Ponyo is basically a Japanese folklore version of The Little Mermaid or Splash, but without the catchy tunes, the beloved Tom Hanks or logic.

The current crop of American animation greats (such as Brad Bird) cite Miyazaki as their master. In light of their work, perhaps Ponyo suggests that the students have become the masters.

Grade: C

Weekend Box Office Results: Beautiful Basterds

I nearly forgot that today necessitates haikus and recappage (which is like re-cabbage, which tastes just awful). It was a good weekend for the Weinstein company, who get to keep making crappy movies thanks to one good one. They hadn't had a movie that grossed more than $35 million total or opened number 1 in more than a year. They achieved both of those in one weekend thanks to Brad Pitt's desire for Nazi flesh. Let's take a peek at how things went.

Here are the results, haiku style:

1.) Inglourious Basterds - $37.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 84%)

Overachieving.
Not Tarantino's forte.
Good job you bastard.

2.) District 9 - $19 million (Accuracy of prediction - 100%)

100 million
is all but guaranteed now.
An Oscar nod next?

3.) GI Joe: Rise of Cobra - $12.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 92%)

Big worldwide grosses
means we're in for more of Joe.
I demand Shipwreck.

4.) The Time Traveler's Wife - $10 million (Accuracy of prediction - 100%)

It's not quite a flop
but not quite a hit either.
Mmm, mediocre.

5.) (WILDCARD) Julie and Julia - $9 million (Accuracy of prediction - 94%)

Four weeks is too long
My material ran out.
Time for new movies.

Overall accuracy of predictions - 94%

An all-time record!
How do you like them apples.
God bless the Wild Card!

That's it. Happy Monday movie lovers.

Avatar-ded: The Epilogue

Having now had a few days to let the turd that was the Avatar trailer waft through our senses, we can begin to examine the fallout of what may be the most expensive deuce ever dropped. Friday was "Avatar Day," when footage from the movie was shown in 3D IMAX theaters to the delight of...dozens? It marked the beginning of the full-on assault for marketing, and it looks like the pencil-necked geeks in Fox's PR department aren't going to be sleeping until post-Christmas. (Also, F*cks Studio may be chowing down on delicious, hot, salty karma at this point.) There are really four parts to this current Avatar clusterfrak, so let's break them down all professional-like:

1.) Teasers never win - The reaction to the trailer has been called "mixed" by people who want to believe that because they liked it there was a strong wave of positive support out there. Unfortunately, unlike when a really fat guy bellyflops, a few vocal chubby bunnies can't make a tidal wave of positive hype. Even among people who were supportive, there was criticism. Nobody, not one person of reason, seemed to enjoy each and every frame...of the TEASER TRAILER. This is problematic primarily because you can cut a sick-ass sweet trailer for Bewitched if you want to. Ideally, people RAVE about the teaser trailer, it leaves them hungry for more. Think about the number of movies that rope-a-doped you with a super-cool trailer...and this $300 million production decides to run out a teaser using the generic Papyrus font and call it a day? The results were not mixed, they were not "all over the board," they were disappointing...they were frightening. You shouldn't be able to lose with a teaser trailer, so if there's a large group of negative buzz, you've lost. Period.

2.) Redemption, IMAX be not your name - Then came Avatar day...which we should have all been suspicious of. First, F*cks Studios don't properly support the online sites giving away free tickets to the free screening of 16 minutes of 3D IMAX footage (rumor has it that it was intentional, a ploy to get them more press...ugh). Then the trailer, which had a long-running countdown to its premiere, didn't work right on Apple's site. Then came Friday, the actual day when Cameron's footage was seen "as it was intended." The best report came from Chud.com, who made note of the following tweets from reliable people:

• In Atlanta former CHUD writer Russ Fischer says: Avatar maybe 1/2 full.
• Aint It Cool's Quint chimes in: Wow, the Avatar theater in San Antonio is only a quarter full. Yikes...
• JackGi on Twitter writes: I'm in MD and it was about half full, but the response from the crowd was pretty optimistic.
• Florida's DrumDog2112 tells me: I went to the AVATAR preview. There were maybe 50 people in the theater.

That is not a good sign. Either F*cks screwed the pooch and didn't get the tickets correctly out to enough people, people were unwilling to go to a theater for 16 minutes of footage, or (worst case scenario) the trailer scared some people off. If you're the F*cks, the worst studio in the world, you have to be makin' a rumbly in your papers at this point.

3.) Tie-ins are made for bondage - My personal reaction when I saw the Avatar trailer was, "I can't wait to play that video game." I was only half kidding. I knew that there would be a game based on it, and by God there's no reason it can't look almost as clean as the animated renders that are being passed off in theaters. Guess what, it looks good:



Seriously, that looks fun, right? Sure, you're still playing with what one of our readers here calls blue kangaroo people or "bluhumaroos," but it could be a lot of fun. So, thumbs up on the X-Box front, Jimmy! But, here comes the big thumbs down you expected. Check out these friggin' toys! Ugh! (I got these from Slashfilm.com by the way)






God, look at the Sigourney Weaver character...I believe she comes with a STICK! Wow, I wonder how many technicians had to work on rendering that cricket bat? These are some of the worst toys I may have ever seen. Also, the bluhumaroos with pants on = hilarious! I love the one with shorts and boots on. Turd-a-licious. Then came this image (which is from Chud.com):



That's a 103-inch television. Excuse me, that's a 103-inch 3D television. Cameron is promoting it. Apparently, this movie is intended for rich assholes. I don't know that I have walls that big in my house. This is the other major tie-in: A television worth more than your car.

4.) Where do we go from here? - That's the big question. Let's face it, things are not looking good. Sorry people who want to believe that things are "mixed," things are shitty. You have a $300 million movie with by-all-accounts a TERRIBLE storyline and dialogue, that has been rejected in part by the core fans you were counting on, has been unable to mount a significant word-of-mouth, and looks to be spiraling out of control. There's probably not a way to right the ship entirely, but if they're going to try, they have to do so fast. They have to start putting out more footage, better footage, more carefully crafted footage. They need a second, much better edited, trailer RIGHT NOW. Beyond that, if I'm F*cks, I'm getting some people out there talking about the buzz that this may remind people of: See, a little more than 12 years ago, there was this movie about a boat that was INSANELY over budget, had a story that everyone had already heard before, and encountered behind-the-scene problem after problem. It went on to do OK. If I'm Cameron's people, I'm out there telling everybody that the last time people wrote this guy off, he made what will likely remain the top grossing film of all time. At this point, all you have left to sell is faith in Cameron. Also, if I'm Cameron, I'm lining up my next project immediately...chances are, he'll need to do a bit of redeeming for his nerd rep. "Battle Angel Alita" anyone?

More on the debacle, er, story as it happens.

Movie Review: Inglourious Basterds

Lately I feel like I'm shellin' out good grades like a teacher to a student she's dorkin'. I swear, though, there is a good chance The Hurt Locker, Moon, District 9, and Inglourious Basterds all end up on my top 10 of the year. In fact, I really can't see any of them missing the cut (sorry, should have said spoiler alert on that one). Don't worry, I promise to absolutely hate something soon and make fun of it using all kinds of disturbing metaphors and analogies, just like you expect from me. Not here, though. Here there be incredible praise:

Not Ze Nazi Movie Promised
Tarantino pulls a slow fast one with Inglourious Basterds
Ryan Syrek

The only challenger to perpetual title-holder Don King’s self-promoter crown, Quentin Tarantino bragged up Inglourious Basterds years before his pen ever impregnated his paper with words, promising The Dirty Dozen by way of Sergio Leone. Although strands of that idea permeate the DNA of the actual film, it turns out he oversold the project in its fetal stage. This isn’t to say that Tarantino’s latest mental offspring is stillborn, it’s just the product of a different creative lineage. To put it another way, Inglourious Basterds is an enthralling total bastard of a movie.

Tarantino pries himself free of the noose of historical accuracy with a simple title card that reads “once upon a time in Nazi-occupied France.” The violent fable opens on a picturesque cabin in the French countryside, where Colonel Hans Landa (Cristoph Waltz), aka the Jew Hunter, is living up to his namesake. Tarantino, who has never written a scene he couldn’t shoot twice as long, demonstrates his ability to use words for torturous effect. From the moment Landa’s nickname is revealed, to the scene’s conclusion nearly 20 minutes later, there is but one inevitable, tragic outcome for which the self-confessed sadistic director makes his audience practically beg. The result is that Shosanna Dreyfus (Mélanie Laurent) is left an orphan who longs for revenge.

The second of the film’s five chapter arrives where Tarantino’s initial concept began, with Lieutenant Aldo Raine (Brad Pitt) delivering a speech to a guerrilla squad of eight Jews enlisted by the U.S. to massacre Nazis in attempt to terrify the terrorizers. The legend of the Basterd’s deeds grows off-screen; audiences are told of the gang’s violent prowess, with only a single example of their brutality depicted and, even then, that scene begins after a great battle. It is here that the movie fully deviates from the promised battlefield-centric excursion into an entirely separate beast, one that feasts on meta-cinematic revenge.

Four years after Shosanna escaped the Jew Hunter, she meets Fredrick Zoller (Daniel Brühl), a young soldier whose heroism landed him in the starring role of a movie based on his life directed by Joseph Goebbels (Sylvester Groth). Shosanna has been living under an assumed identity and now owns a movie theater; Fredrick attempts to woo her by having Goebbels move his film’s premiere from Berlin to Shosanna’s theater. Shosanna sees her opportunity for revenge and sets forth a plan to incinerate her guests using burning film stock; simultaneously, the Basterds hear of the gathering and unknowingly set out to attack the venue. Thus, Inglourious Basterds is actually a relatively intimate, espionage-laden violent fairy tale, the moral of which is “it’s okay to cinematically do unto evil doers what they did unto others.”

Tarantino, himself not Jewish, unloads a righteous anger so powerful that the climax of the film threatens to create sympathy for the high-ranking Nazis. Those wringing their hands and lamenting the decision to fictionally flip the power paradigm and allow the Jew to pin the Nazi beneath his boot, should be reminded that these imaginary atrocities are just that. The film suggests in unequivocal terms that there is something therapeutic and powerful about using cinema, a tool the real Goebbels wielded with real-life menace, to fictionally eviscerate some of the worst people to ever live.

Beyond the growingly redundant “ain’t revenge grand” message that Tarantino has hammered home in each of his last three movies, the film has several breath-taking scenes, the most notable of which exploits a verbal inconsistency to the ultimate height of tension. These small moments, long known to be Tarantino’s wheelhouse, are wrung slowly for maximum effect, negating the action-oriented picture that the film’s trailers guaranteed. It is tough to complain about being sold a false bill of goods when the Ford Taurus you were promised turns out to be a Porsche, but it is still deceit.

What threatens to tear the whole thing apart is Tarantino’s obligation to include flair. The sporadic and distracting voiceover from Samuel Jackson, the ridiculous over-performance of Eli Roth and the out-of-place backstory of Hugo Stiglitz (Til Schweiger), the only Basterd to get such an honor, all work against the intimate and intricate web that had been weaved. Were it not for Pitt’s prowess and Waltz’s inevitably Oscar-nominated performance, the whole thing could have descended into the silly. Pitt’s performance alone makes one long for the movie that was seemingly offered, one that follows his gallows humor–wielding commander as he dispatches Nazi after Nazi. Thankfully, in this the age of sequels and prequels, such a thing is still possible.

Ironically, despite sporting a title directly taken from another film, Inglourious Basterds may be Tarantino’s most original work yet. Tonal inconsistencies and revenge fixation aside, it is riveting, traumatizing and challenging. Any movie that can be called unforgettable deserves respect, no matter how it was conceived.

Grade – A-

Weekly Wrap-Up: Disappointment, Despair, and Diagrams

What a week we've had, huh? Let's hit the highlights before calling it quits:

• Here's the only Venn diagram I'll likely ever make.
• No THIS is the worst idea ever.
• New Moon has an infomercial apparently starring a charming young gay soft-core porn star.
• You should read David Eggers's "Where the Wild Things Are" excerpt.
• This would be so cool if it were true!
• Avatar disappointed me. I bet Jim Cameron doesn't even care.
• Everybody loves haikus.

Have a great weekend everybody, here's hoping Brett Favre gets hurt on his first preseason snap (Go BEARS!)

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Smart money this week is on some serious Nazi killin', but there's also some stiff competition from shrimp-lookin' aliens. How great is it that we live in a world where that's our choices! Good stuff out in theaters right now people, which means that you should be out there livin' it up. Otherwise, you may end up finding yourself in September, looking around at all the total dogshithaircut movies that are out there and wondering why you waited to get to the theater. Don't be a sucka, go see some block-bustas.

Here's how I see it (haiku style), as per usual:

1.) Inglorious Basterds - $25 million

Hey, Tarantino!
That's not how you spell Bastards.
But who really cares.

2.) District 9 - $19 million

A runaway hit!
A sequel now seems likely.
This makes me happy.

3.) GI Joe: Rise of Cobra - $10.5 million

It would have been cool
if they kept the gay sailor
given the title.

4.) The Time Traveler's Wife - $10 million

This does just OK
and gets a TV spinoff?
That does not make sense.

5.) Shorts - $9.5 million

Rodriguez loves kids
almost as much as violence.
Do not combine those.

WILDCARD - Julie and Julia - $8 million

This just keeps cookin'.
Get it? It's about baking!
Sometimes I'm stupid.

Okay, that's the new content for the week gang. Happy Friday to ya!

UPDATED: Too many swords, not enough stones

Okay, what's going on? Variety is reporting today that Brian Singer, he of 1000 related projects (including but not limited to a new X-Men spinoff, the surely dead-dead-dead Superman sequel, and another Battlestar Galactica reboot), is going to be producing (and possibly directing...begin expected is-he-isn't-he speculation dancing) a remake of Excalibur. Now, the confusing part is the following: Aintitcool.com reported that Warren Ellis, he of awesome comic books and often confused for an Australian musician of the same name, was writing an Excalibur project for someone else entirely, noting from the man himself "on my desk the treatment is called untitled Arthurian project. On their desk, the project is called Excalibur." Is this because there was a competition to secure the rights that WB and Legendary Pictures won (the deal with Brian Singer), or is this a separate thing? Singer has a billion irons in the fire, including some project called Jack the Giant Killer, which is not based on the "Fables" comic book character and thus sounds really lame. But the prospect, however small, of having Singer direct an Excalibur remake written by Warren Ellis is too effing rad to not explore. The problem is that the Variety blurb says no writer is assigned yet, which doesn't matter because they're often wrong (okay, not often...please don't hurt me Variety). Oddly enough, Warren Ellis did not respond to my twitter request for more info, but I find the whole thing crazy...sorry if you don't. So, to recap this madness: (1) Singer is working on an Excalibur remake for WB, (2) it may or may not be involved with the Warren Ellis-written King Arthur project, and (3) I'm not sure anybody but me cares. Stay tuned! Or, you know, don't. Whatevs.

UPDATE: From the man Warren Ellis himself: "And no, it's not my Arthurian project Bryan Singer's talking about." There you have it. Competing Excalibur-related projects? I'm hoping to see Ellis's!

Any trailer set to MIA's "Paper Planes" looks good

This has been a helluva week for trailers (both surprisingly yummy [Wolfman] and poo-flavored [Avatar]). Next up is the new documentary from Michael Moore, a figure only slightly more polarizing than a continent-sized magnet. Say what you will about the guy, he makes entertaining documentaries about subjects that are vital to our time. I've often said his problem has been in recent years that he has made himself as large as his subjects (wait, that sounded like a fat joke, but it really wasn't). The oldest tactic in the book to dismiss an argument is to find fault with the person providing it ("How dare you accuse this administration of being flawed, you're fat!"), and he's given people ample opportunities to target HIM and not HIS MESSAGE. That said, he remains a vital and important voice, whether you like him or not. Here's the trailer, let's meet up again after okay?



What you have here appears to be more in line with Roger and Me than Fahrenheit 9/11. We can all agree that the guys who ran this into the ground are total turds, right? We can also all agree that congress, EVERY SINGLE MEMBER, could have and should have done more, right? Hell, the notorious left-leaner included an almost fair number of images of left-wing pinata Nancy Pelosi as right-wing pinata George Bush. I know that this won't get a fair shake, I know that the images of the rednecks talking about violent overthrow are alarming, but good God do I want to see this. This could in part be because if you put "Paper Planes" over images of anyone doing anything I'll want to go to there.

Ryan's Junk Drawer

Hey there kids and kid-like grown-ups, it's time for that weekly dive into the treasure chest that is my junk drawer (ignore the smell, I can't Febreeze it out). There's a few tantalizing tidbits (including the second major trailer release of the day...this one not featuring ridiculous CGI, blue, genital-free hippies), so let's get junkin'.

Here are the top 5 items that weren't important enough to get a full post this week:

1.) Can Twilight On Ice be far behind? - Of all the terrible dialogue involved in Twilight (seriously, the lion/lamb thing was written by a love-sick third grader, I promise), the worst may be: Coming to your town. Creation Entertainment is putting on a series of Twilight-specific conventions, so that those nerds and regular nerds will never have to accidentally bump into each other. Side note - We need a PSA on how nerd-on-nerd crime is the worst kind. We're better than this people...okay, I'm not, but maybe you are. The conventions will be held across the country (the closest to these parts is Chicago) and will feature supporting actors, ridiculous memorabilia, and tons of freaky middle-aged women. Enjoy!

2.) Hey, it's the Wolfman, Jack! - If you can't buy the hirsute Benicio Del Toro as a wolfman, you just can't buy that anyone can turn into a wolf, which is reasonable. For the record, I now want to see this more than Avatar, despite the fact that it looks like ridiculous shenanigans. How can you not love Anthony Hopkins and Hugo Weaving in a movie where Del Toro eats people's faces. That's just good family fun.



3.) Inception interception! - If you haven't heard of Inception, you will soon, because it is directed by Christopher Nolan (he did some stupid movie about clowns and dudes with scary S&M voices) and it stars everyone you've ever heard of (Leo DiCaprio, Michael Caine, Ellen Page, Marion Cotillard, Joseph Gordon Levitt...okay, most of the people you've heard of). Until now, what has been known is that it is a "sci-fi thriller that takes place in the architecture of the mind," which sounds like batshit crazy speak. The gang at Slashfilm did some recon work, came up with a few glimpses at the teaser trailer and combined it with a post at Rotten Tomatoes and may have the answer for what it is actually about: SPOILER ALERT (although, at some point they do have to tell us this info...so it isn't like a total spoiler but you've been warned) The movie may be about technology that allows people to enter each other's minds (think The Matrix) and plant information there. Supposedly the trailer features a sideways fight "inside the mind." Sounds good to me. Count me in (as if I wasn't already...dude made Memento and The Dark Knight, both of which are on the top 20 films of the last decade).

4.) Robert Zemeckis lowers himself - This should probably be a big post, but I don't care. Zemeckis is making a motion capture remake of The Yellow Submarine, so you can get freaked out to good music in all 3 dimensions. I like the Beatles, but that technology is some crazy shit. On the plus side, stoners around the world now have a movie to start getting really, really high for.

5.) Go off to see the Wizard - Yep, it's back. In theaters in Hi-Def for one night and one night only (until they do it again), you can go see the Wizard of Oz just like your grandparents did! Only you'll pay more than a nickel.



For ticket information in your location, head to here. Admit it, this excites you...and not just because of your bizarre "tin man" fetish.

That's it for this week's junk, see ya tomorrow!

Avatar Trailer HERE!

Avatar, a film so ahead of its time that men from the future actually came back and produced it, a film so revolutionary it has toppled presidencies through just its poster, a film so advanced that it runs on dilithium crystals and nuclear fission, can't use the Internet right. Monday, the site giving away tickets to the IMAX screening of 15 minutes of footage tomorrow took a bigger crap than Uncle Lenny after Thanksgiving yams. Today, after numerous countdowns across the net, the Apple site that featured the trailer promptly debuted...and displayed nothing. Somehow, Fox and Apple have so screwed the pooch, that Lassie is now pregnant with a litter of half-wits. Thank God for the French! Yeah, you read that right. Below is the trailer, with the one spoken word of dialogue in French (I don't speak it, so I believe he says "Cheese") and the two lines of text ("This December" and "From the director of Titanic") also in a foreign language...but I'm guessing you won't care. Watch it now and let's talk after.



Okay, so as near as I can figure, Jim Cameron has made a sequel to the shitty Final Fantasy movie...that, or CGI sequel to Titan AE...or a big budget version of the "Star Wars: Clone Wars" TV show. Now, I get that this is supposed to be seen on the big screen, and that in 3D it will likely look better but...really? This is it? This is the best foot forward for a film that costs approximately $8.7 billion to make? Blue people who look like a cross between the Orcs from Lord of the Rings and inbred regular humans? This is the promo for the video game, right? I mean, the shot of what I believe to be Sean Bean with his face all carved up is cool, but other than that, I think it looks like The Matrix meets a "Halo" cut scene. I loved The Abyss (I just defended it the other day). I loved Aliens (how could you not). I loved Terminator 2 (even the "Hasta la vista, baby"). This looks...god, can it be...bad. It looks like generic sci-fi rendered with basic computers. If you showed me this as a new X-Box game, I'd maybe want to play it. As a movie...wow, my interest just dropped huge. Everybody weigh in here, I know our comments are hard to get to but they're there at the bottom of this page, just click on the tiny word that says "comments." I have to know if I'm alone here. In the words of the French: "Le Dammit."

One rumor to rule them all....

Okay nerds, I know I've spent a lot of time opining and discussing the monstrosity that is the Twilight franchise, but daddy loves you, too. Here's some seriously unsupported rumors surrounding a certain beloved film/book trilogy (no, not White Chicks, they're only on the second chapter). Marketsaw, which is a blog dedicated to 3D movies (and a good one...they've scooped on Avatar like champs), has a tiny little rumor that just may be true (again, they have gooooood sources, unlike me who has the power of an Internet connection and imagination): The Hobbit is back to being 3 movies, the first two parts will be in 3D, and Peter Jackson wants to return and make a bridge film to the existing trilogy. Chances are, LOTR fans just made a happiness deposit in their pants. What's more, the site reports that Smaug will be a combination of practical (meaning tangible, physical) effects and CGI, and that the design is dark and foreboding (the image below is on the site but is NOT concept art, but is too kick ass not to include. Marketsaw continues to reiterate that despite public confirmation that The Hobbit will be 2-parts, there are 3 films in the works, and that the author of the report has SEEN things to confirm it. Oh, that's just too awesome to not be true. I believe that if Jackson comes back, that all of the cast will rejoin him. I loved the series, I will hold out hope that this report is all true (and there's a chance that it is). So, go my nerds, go forth in joy and embrace the day!

I KNOW WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE!

If you aren't excited for the upcoming Spike Jonze-directed Where the Wild Things Are, I'm sorry that the child in you died. You should have that thing taken out of you immediately. Dialing my excitement level up to near "ohmygodspider-manisreal" levels is the fact that one of my favorite novelists, Dave Eggers, wrote the screenplay and...wait for it...A NOVEL "inspired by" the movie and children's book. I don't even know what that effing means and I'm over the moon! The best news? YOU CAN READ PART OF IT NOW! The New Yorker has a friggin' 8 page excerpt from the work! Sure, you have to endure those indecipherable cartoons on nearly every page (if you look at them too long, you go cross-eyed, you've been warned), but are you kidding me? That's a huuuuge excerpt! Why are they doing it? Because it's sooooooo good it makes you want to both go out and buy the book and go out and watch the movie. I won't go on a big rant here (just an itty bitty one), but what makes Eggers's excerpt truly remarkable is that it perfectly captures the tone of the book AND the spirit of that work. Max is angry and confused. Life is beautiful, yes, but our introduction to it can be violent and totally disorienting. There's something glorious about it, but something terrifying and maddening and frustrating and magical about the whole thing. Eggers gets it. From the footage, Jonze does too. I am so excited it's almost enough to make me forget that Brett Favre is all over my TV and Internet again. I wish a monster would eat his face. Anyway, here's an image to get you even more pumped. Now, go to that link and read! READ DAMMIT! Phylicia Rashad told me it's fundamental.

Vanessa Hudgens, now with more Hamm!

As Tina Fey astutely put it on "30 Rock," the man below looks like a cartoon pilot.



His name is Jon Hamm, he stars on AMC's "Mad Men," which I don't watch because I find it boring making me some kind of lesser life form in the eyes of many, and according to The Hollywood Reporter he is the first real male star of Sucker Punch, Zack Snyder's follow-up to Watchmen. The film sounds totally deranged, with Emily Browning (who?) playing a young girl in the 1950s who is about to be lobotomized. Her and her friends enter some kind of alternate reality and plan an escape, but you know by that description she probably was already lobotomized (spoiler? maybe?). The important thing is, it's going to be hyper-stylized, crazy intense, and likely throw buckets of nudity at the screen (oh, please, it's not like co-star Vanessa Hudgens has any problem with that...she's been practicing one iPhone camera at a time). Hamm is set to play a mysterious character called "High Roller," which I'm guessing given the trippy plot synopsis does not refer to a gambler but a giant human rolling pin. Hamm is also starring in Ben Affleck's follow-up to Gone Baby Gone (the best film of the year it came out...which I'm too lazy to look up but I think was 2007). He SHOULD be starring as Captain America (seriously, look at the man's chin), but they're likely going to cast some effing teenager in the role. Seriously, Marvel, listen up. I don't even like "Mad Men" and I'm telling you this is your guy. Look at him and tell me he doesn't look the part...and Captain America SHOULD be older than the rest of the Avengers, dammit. Don't cast some frakkin' supporting cast member from "True Blood" or some such shit, cast Jon Hamm. Hammit!

Twilight New Moon Trailer hits the web, the web sadly does not hit back

I know that I'm a full day behind on this, but seeing as how the box office returns show even die-hard Twilight fans draw the line somewhere (Bandslam, the movie that had the New Moon trailer attached to it, did just over $2 million this weekend, which is less than Kristen Stewart's weed budget), I may as well post it here. I have to say that this may be as close as we will ever come to socially acceptable soft-core tween pornography, which is horrifying, because Miley Cyrus REALLY wanted to corner that market. Watch it and I'll break it down (like a breakdancer) below:



Well...that was...wow. Again, this is coming from someone who hasn't read the book. Here's what I conclude: (A) That nice shirtless gay kid really wants to help that boring looking stoner girl ride a moped. (B) But all those mean looking other shirtless boys are jealous that their shirtless leader is spending time with a girl. (C) Meanwhile, the pale homeless guy has to go to Europe for some reason, presumably to get away from the shirtless boys. (D) The movie is totally action packed...we know this because the guy being interviewed during the trailer that usually shows the action packed moments says it is action packed. (E) Action packed now means "riding mopeds and climbing trees." (F) The music was done exclusively by the former members of Evanescence. (G) I will stop now.