Quick clips for Tuesday March 31

Note absent "set phasers to (blank)" joke

They're going to make a sequel to the Star Trek movie that's about to come out but hasn't yet so theoretically could totally tank but won't because, come on have you seen the trailer and it has a built in audience. I really should stop with just that obnoxious run-on sentence, but I won't, because you come for more than that. The writers for the upcoming Star Trek XII are Damon Lindelof (co-creator and still head honcho of "Lost"), JJ Abrams (as if I need to explain more), and Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman ("Transformers"). Hold up...TWELVE?! There have been TWELVE Star Trek movies? Lord have mercy, I can't believe they found a new vein to tap on this franchise. Now, without divulging into spoilers (which wouldn't actually be spoilers because I haven't seen the new movie, so they would just be rumors but I'm splitting hairs), it seems like this will (obviously) follow "new" Jimmy T Kirk and his funtime gang of adventurers, but will it follow them through time-line changing events or through moments that would fit into previous continuity? Better yet, if the movies are as exciting and full of ACTION (sorry Trek fans who are more keen on seeing tense dialogue and green-lady banging), will anyone care (besides aforementioned dialogue and green-lady banging fans)?

Croenen-sequel?

Okay, file this one under HELL YES. David Croenenberg is going to make a sequel to Eastern Promises. Now, if you haven't seen the wang-hanging Mafia action original film...LOOK AWAY, because you cannot discuss the sequel without discussing the ending of the penis picture (seriously, I could talk about the insane acting and awesome atmosphere but we all just remember li'l Viggo flapping in the sauna). Okay, so the next film will follow Viggo's character, who was revealed to be a British spy. HOW COOL IS THAT? We're going to get a Croenenberg spy flick starring Viggo Mortensen. I just can't possibly tell you how cool that is. For those who think all sequels are bad or that creative directors and writers are somehow above the practice, take a good look at an example of something that SHOULD make a good sequel. I like the character and want to know more. I want the world and don't quite get how it all fits together. It seems like a good idea to have another film take place after the fact. What a piece of bright shiny good news!

Emma Stone is 21 so I can talk about her hotness without feeling too gross

Two things: (1) Emma Stone is going to be huge. When I saw Superbad, that's one of the first things I said about it. Her raspy voice, super unique hotness, and general charisma are just off the effing charts. (2) It's going to happen soon. Between the upcoming Zombieland, Sucker Punch, and Ghosts of Girlfriends Past and yesterday's announcement of Easy A (a movie about a girl who pretends to be a slut to get attention and is somehow in parallel with Hester Prynne?), she's gonna be everywhere soon. This is a good thing. Why? Because I think the gal's got chops (and gams from hell, but that's beside the point). I like to see young actresses with actual talent rise to the top. From Anne Hathaway to Michelle Williams, we're seeing a new crop emerge and I think that Stone has what's needed to get up there (beyond her insane hotness, did I mention that?). So, even though the individual projects mentioned above do not fill me with joy, the fact that there are so many of them does increase her odds of being the "next thing." But I will punch anyone who calls her a thing.

Okay gang, that's all she wrote for regular blogging this week. I may or may not be popping back in as the week rolls on. Best of luck to ya.

Quick clips for Monday March 30

Before we get to blogging, a quick schedule note: Those of you who know me know that, in addition to my 9-5, in addition to my movie reviews/blogs/TV spots/radio gig, and in addition to my personal life (stop laughing), I pretty much dedicate all of my time to the University of Nebraska at Omaha Forensics Team (speech, not autopsy stuff). My wife is the coach there, and I put about as much time for free into that as I do into everything else that pays me. Well, this week is our national tournament. We travel to beautiful and scenic Akron, Ohio (is it beautiful? Scenic?) to compete with the best in the nation. I will, thus, be pretty tied up from this Wednesday through next Tuesday. Does that mean absolutely no blogs? Possibly. But Ben has been contemplating chipping in on a few, should he be so moved, and I may poke my head in whilst busy as hades in Akron. I make no promises, but you've been warned.

Oh, one last note before we get on with the show...be sure to check out The Reader this week because Ben and I had a hand in some of the April Fool's writing. I'm particularly pleased with our contributions this year, so be sure to drop in and check it out. Now, on with the rumor mongering and blogging.

Perfect 10 to be perfect IO

Gemma Arterton got me blood a'boilin' in Quantum of Solace. She played Strawberry Fields, the smokin' hot assistant who Bond bags while covered in someone else's blood (that's how manly 007 is, ladies love him even when covered in human body paint). She had a smaller role, apparently because some moron thought all new Bond girls have to have accents, but I'll be seeing more of her (please let that be literally) in the upcoming remake of Clash of the Titans, which I remain on-the-fence about. Every time I think I'm about ready to get 100% excited about it (on account of my mad-on for Greek mythology in general and cool Greek myth monster shit in specific), I remember how beloved the original is to me. From Harry Hamlin to the blissful Ray Harryhausen effects, I almost don't want to see a new one. That said, this is the kind of remake that makes sense, as reinterpreting myths is just about the oldest kind of "remakes" around. I feel kind of like I'm cheating on Harryhausen by being excited for a remake of one of his films...even though part of me thinks the big guy would be somewhat pleased by it. I think he was such a proponent of effects development that he wouldn't care his work was being redone. So, nevermind, I'm going to be excited about it. Plus, things get a lot easier when you point out I'll be seeing Gemma Arterton on the big screen. Seriously, she's this crazy blend of adorable/sultry...she's adultry...wait.

Blind rage, local style

My friend Andrew forwarded me this link to a story about a woman right here in Nebraska (Millard to be precise) who is a total subhuman moron. The only thing more insanely stupid than her "story" is KETV's decision to cover it. KETV is, for the most part, dead to me now. For those who haven't clicked on the link, Physha Svendsen is upset that her son, who is six, read a Spiderman graphic novel with "sexual undertones." Those sexual undertones? Mary Jane Watson in a bikini. So, she was basically offended by something you can see in greater detail by going to the local pool on a Saturday afternoon or, you know, ever watching television on any local station for any length of time ever. Let's talk about this for a moment here. Fact one: The comic itself is labeled as PG (meaning it isn't recommended for those under 12). Even though the story points out that good old Physha "actively participates in her children's education" (let's hope that extends past spelling, given her first name), she certainly didn't seem to be actively participating in what he checked out of the library. Fact two: This kind of knee-jerk overreaction is exactly what makes Nebraska look stupid. IT'S A DRAWING OF A GIRL IN A BIKINI. Are you insane...do you need me to tell you what the word insane means? Fact three: Hey, KETV, I know that there's a limited number of personal interest stories in town for you to bilk emotion out of, but consider spending time on our growing murder rate or just give me another 4 hours of effing weather reporting (I think there's a cloud somewhere over Broken Bow, so I'd interrupt programming). Don't effing give morons like this a voice! She WANTS ATTENTION. She wants to "crusade" against something. You know what, that same comic she's protesting would possibly have been the gateway to get her son interested in reading. Kiss that goodbye. Now he'll probably name his son Crysstopher some day. I'm not saying that you shouldn't have the right to say "hey, I'm not comfortable with you reading that, junior, let's read this instead." I'm saying your yap stays shut past that and you don't go book-burning comics and talking to the GD news about "sexual undertones." Lady, you are everything I hate about small-minded people. And, to reiterate it once more, KETV blows for making this non-story into something shown on television. In a related story, I'm offended by the sexual undertones of Brandi Peterson, who did her hair real pretty the other day. I won't rest until she's off the air.

Box Office Results: Trifecta!

How is it possible that I have strung together three weeks wherein I included all of the top 5 films in my predictions? Could it be my deal with the dark lord? Possibly. More than likely it has to do with my incredible attention to detail and slavish work. No, probably the Satan thing. This week saw a huge opening, a few nice holdovers (methinks from parents dropping the little ones off at Monsters versus Aliens before heading to more adult lands), and not one crazy surprise...just the way I like it. I won't be doing a prediction for this weekend, on account of the travel mentioned above, but let's face it, that's a good thing because there ain't no way I was going 4-for-4.

Here's how it went:

1.) Monsters versus Aliens - $58 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

Dare I say this was a..MONSTER opening? Okay, I won't because it wasn't really. It was definitely good and right within the range of industry experts, but it wasn't a phenomenon. It will hang well for the next few weeks though and has a chance at $200 million (plus the whole DVD thing, so it's gonna be major profitable). Plus (spoiler alert) Ben really liked it. He talked up the kid's movie to me this morning and the joy of 3D nowadays. So, there's a spoonful of joy for your Monday morning.

2.) A Haunting in Connecticut - $23 million (Accuracy of prediction - 85%)

Really? This deserved $23 million? This didn't deserve $2.30. I am perpetually amazed at the loyalty of horror movie fans. You don't need "good" you just need to know that you're supposed to go. Seriously, if you can get funding at about $10 million for a horror flick, you can automatically double it. It's the easiest money making method in this economy.

3.) Knowing - $15 million (Accuracy of prediction - 73%)

Iiiiiinteresting. I figured that the dropoff would be precipitous for this one, what with the mixed word of mouth and generally negative reviews. But this fall of about 40% may indicate that, gasp, people like sci-fi. I like Alex Proyas and I want to see him get to keep making movies, so this is a great vote of confidence. I don't know for sure what the budget was, but this flick will likely rake in somewhere near $75 million total and a nice chunk on DVD, so it's gonna make some money. Give the man another gig (Proyas, not Cage).

4.) I Love You, Man - $13 million (Accuracy of prediction - 86%)

Don't let it's placing fool you, this thing dropped less than 30% from the previous week and has a good chance at getting near that $70 million range as most "adult" comedies these days. You know my Rudd lovin' ass is in favor of that.

5.) Duplicity - $8 million (Accuracy of prediction - 100%)

As expected, a drop of less than 50% indicates this could still be a pretty profitable endeavor...but am I the only one who thinks we may be watching the twilight of Julia Roberts' career?

Overall accuracy of prediction - 88%

I can barely believe how well I've been doing lately. I impress me. Happy Monday!

Friday free for all

It takes a village to adapt a Nighthawk

I'm not actually in the film industry, so I won't pretend to know whether or not Marvel is boning its help or thinking creatively enough to be considered truly innovative. Probably a little schtupping and a little creatively thinking. According to Variety, Marvel is looking to get together a pool of writers, like they do for television shows and used to do for their comic books, to begin writing their movies. Apparently, Marvel will invite up to five writers each year to work on specific projects, the writers will get a salary (which could be as high as $100,000) but that means that Marvel owns whatever the writers produce during that year (which is in line with what they do in the funny books with their contracts but makes sense in that they're given a salary). So, is this a mighty Marvel way to give writers the ol' fist in the posterior handshake, or is this the solution to many of the problems that movies have? Why is it that "Lost" and "Battlestar Galactica" are so good and yet so few movies can meet that level of scripting? Why is it that television shows have become the go-to mining ground for movie adaptations? Why am I asking so many questions? Who knows? The point is, IF Marvel manages to take some semi-struggling but very creative writers (or, better yet, pulls from their own comic writing pool who haven't yet penned movies), give them a livable salary, and allows them to actually collaborate instead of the movie-trend of just revising each other's drafts, they could really have something. Just like with Sam Jackson's 9-picture deal, the studio is thinking outside of the expected, and I like that. I just hope this doesn't go the way of previous things in Marvel's past, where the talent takes the high hard one. Oh, and my favorite note in the Variety story was that they want the writers to find ways to adapt their lesser known properties, such as Black Panther (fair enough), Cable (okay), Doctor Strange (yes), Iron Fist (could work), The Vision (interesting), and Nighthawk (bwahaahahahahaahahaha...NIGHTHAWK? you'd have a better chance adapting Spider-ham).

Weekend battle plan: I guess you're seeing Monsters versus Aliens

The title may suggest wacky and madcap fun, but that's a bit of overshooting by Dreamworks, a studio who seems content to play with the toys that Pixar has moved past, both in terms of animation style and story content. Basically, if these studios were potential dates, Pixar would be marriage material and Dreamworks would be an easy roll in the hay. That said, you can't really beat whimsy these days, and the latest from the studio is a whimsical three-dimensional jaunt. Chances are you have or know a child. They will like it. You probably will too. Then you'll forget about it during the drive home, but whatever. You don't worry about how your nice dinner is going to be poo in a few hours, so have fun while you can. The other option is another stupid, pointless, ill-scripted horror movie. Man, this genre used to be about fun and creativity and is now cookie-cutter bullpuckey. The only way I could be physically less interested in this movie is if it was a sequel to Twilight. John Cena also has a movie this week. I know it doesn't matter at all, but we should mention it just in case he's reading this and his feelings get hurt.

That's my recommendation: Don't hurt John Cena's feelings but don't see his movie. Go watch Monsters versus Aliens and don't feel bad about it.

On DVD: I'm actually just outright pissed that Quantum of Solace isn't better received. It's the shit. Honest. It's got the same "oh, I'm so serious and sad" shit from Casino Royale, but also has insane badassness. People FLOCK to go see Taken, which is just a revenge movie, but kind of poo-pooed JAMES BOND doing a revenge movie. Don't be a moronface, rent this if you haven't seen it. I don't care that the name is stupid as hell. Rent it anyway.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

The odds of me going three-for-three is the same as my odds of bagging Evangeline Lilly...but much like that impossible endeavor, low chances ain't gonna stop me from trying. As always, spots one and two are pretty much a lock, but past that it's anybody's guess. Trying to get into the psyche of the movie goer lately has been a bigger challenge than you could possibly know (it's dirty in there...dirty and scary).

Here's my best guess:

1.) Monsters vs Aliens - $62 million

The 3D take will push it up a bit (those glasses ain't free, yo), plus it's showing in IMAX, PLUS it's the first kids movie in awhile. Add it all up (Violent Femmes style) and you are left with a damn big opening. I wish that Dreamworks would skew slightly more on the side of better scripting, but it isn't bad really. And with Pixar having that market cornered, somebody has to make the animation for the Paul Blart set.

2.) Haunting in Connecticut - $16 million

These type of movies are just carbon copies in terms of the content and results. It makes me sad because it just reminds me of the business side of all of this so strongly. Anyway, if you see this, you make me sad. So don't tell me about it, okay?

3.) I Love You, Man - $12 million

I think this will hold well because we love comedies right now. Plus, Lou Ferrigno. I mean, if that man doesn't have staying power, don't nobody got staying power.

4.) Knowing - $10 million

A 60% drop seems about right for a movie as overtly sci-fi as this one is. The audiences I've talked to were heavily divided between love and hate. That means it will likely not have the strength to carry high into this week. It may get as high as third. I'm still glad this movie exists, for the record.

5.) Duplicity - $8 million

I'm guessing this will hold at just over 50% on the grounds that old people like it and they don't rush out opening weekend. So that means a lot of them will go see this now. Still crazy how far Julia Roberts has fallen off.

Have a good weekend! I will...so you should just to keep up.

Quick clips for Thursday March 26

Nyuk, Nyuking to an Oscar?

Somebody please tell me how in the Sam Hell The Three Stooges biography, to be directed by guys best known for putting sperm in Cameron Diaz's hair, has two of the more outstanding actors of our generation? What the hell is going on here? If Variety is to be believed (and they have been filthy, filthy liars at times), Sean Penn is Larry, Benicio Del Toro is Moe, and Jim Carrey is Curly (he's going to gain the wait for the role...and unlike Russell Crowe, this actually seems warranted). So, we're living in a world where The Farrelly Brothers have managed to unite Del Toro and Penn in order to have them wail on each other's junk and stuff. Wowza. Well, look at it this way, Penn was bound to try and do something to make him seem like less of an assface soon, and Del Toro just got done being Che and probably needs something lighter. I guess the big question is: Will we care about this movie? I generally loathe biopics, but I did enjoy the Stooges back in the day. And by back in the day, I mean back when I went to drive-in theaters in the summers and watched their shorts before the movies. I guess my hesitation is that they're going to go all Vh1 Behind the Music on our ass and we're going to see Curly snorting lines of blow off of Larry's ridiculous hair. Actually, scrap my complaints, that's an actual recommendation. I want to see that. I need to see that. I'm going to go photoshop that into reality.

Ding dong, Mark Millar's pitch is dead

For those of you out there who still have some kind of chubby for seeing Superman on the big screen despite having said chubby stomped on by Superman IV and Superman Returns, you won't be seeing Mark Millar's version. Not that anyone besides Mark Millar thought that Warner Bros would go for Mark Millar's version (or that anyone beyond Mark Millar would want to see Mark Millar's version), even Mark Millar now admits that Mark Millar's version is now dead. This will allow Mark Millar to continue working on Mark Millar's comics, Mark Millar's video game adaptations, and Mark Millar's other movie projects, most of which are adaptations of Mark Millar comics of Mark Millar video games. Why WB didn't go for a Mark Millar idea following Superman from birth to death as the last man of both Earth AND Krypton is beyond Mark Millar's understanding, but likely has to do with it sounding insanely boring. In case you hadn't noticed, I'm trying to help Mark Millar out. See, he's actually quite a good writer, but he seems to be spending so much time self-promoting these days, that he's doing very little in the way of actual writing (Kick-Ass is now like so late that we may get the movie before the finale of the comic). So, I figured if I pumped his name out there like a billion times, he may be able to get back to what he's supposed to do, which is write (specifically, write things that don't suck). So, you hear me Mark Millar? Mark Millar? Mark Millar!

Lost Recap: Sayid goes with the gut

Last night's episode should have given me the special tinglies. I mean, it was a Sayid episode that heavily featured Sayid. That's giving me a delicious plate of food that also comes with money. And yet...meh. I mean, it was good at times, but it felt uneven. Worse yet, my favorite character did something (twice) he had never done before: He acted out of character. In other words, he was poorly written...twice. Oh, and as I called it, very little (until the end) actually happened. Mostly just flashbacks and chatter. To pause for a moment: Nobody expects more out of a show week-to-week than "Lost" fans. Be honest. We want new theories, dead bodies, engaging developments in EVERY episode. When they don't give those up, we freak out. Nobody can deliver more than 100 hours of consistent entertainment. The show has only had a handful of actual bad episodes (and only two terrible storylines). That's not a bad batting average. So, the fact that I'm bitching like a petulant high-schooler shouldn't indicate that the show is troubled. It rules. I just wasn't 100% sold on this episode. Here's why in the form of a recap:

1.) Sayid, still in cage, has a flashback showing him as a boy in Iraq killing a chicken. He's a killer, get it? Then we see him in a flashback with Ben after he got off the island supposedly killing Widmore's men because Ben convinced him to (did anybody else get a Memento vibe? Like Ben was Joe Pantoliono who was probably just having him kill people for fun?). We see Sayid in "present time" in 1977 in a cage still. He refuses to cooperate (because he can't on account of not actually being a "hostile"). Sawyer, who is showing some of his self-motivated issues (he WILL protect his life with Juliet at all costs), tries to convince him to escape at first, but he won't do it. So they take Sayid to the Dharma torture guy: Larry from "The Newhart Show." Hmmm

2.) Sayid gets drugged up and spills all the beans, which makes him sound loony. Now, my friend Ben (again, not the homicidal maniac) thought Sawyer was stupid for just standing there, but I don't know his alternative. All he could do is either let Sayid go or hope things went the way they did: that everyone would think Sayid was nuts. The Dharma gang takes a vote, they want to kill him. Sawyer sheepishly agrees, tries once more to get Sayid free (but he don't want to), then gives up.

3.) Little Ben lights a Dharma van on fire, distracts everyone, springs Sayid free. Sayid then shoots little Ben in the gut. Immediately after proclaiming "You're right about me, I am a killer" he shoots little Ben...IN THE GUT.

Okay, so you can see little happened. Plus, nobody thinks Ben is dead. Yes, this will have some kind of ripple effect and we can begin to see if you CAN change the future or if all of this was already incorporated in Ben's past (my vote is on that one). Jack will probably have to save little Ben (echoing his surgery on Ben in the future). Oh, I forgot to mention Kate is longing for Sawyer although apparently living with Jack?! I can't figure out what she actually feels. Maybe she can't either, but it's time for her to feel strongly one way or the other scriptwise. I think the shock of little Ben getting shot was blunted because we all saw it coming (and it won't stick). So, not a biggie at the end.

The bigger issue for me was Sayid acting dumb. Shoot him in the face. You're a killer. You snap dudes necks. You shoot him in the tummy? Dumb. I like the idea that the island won't let him kill Ben, but I would like to have seen that. He stands over little Ben, goes to pull the trigger and is somehow stopped. That would work. This was dumb. Plus, how the hell is Sayid going to get jumped by the prettier version of Anna Lucia? He's been in that position with a dangerous chick before, how is he going to let his guard down like that. Bullshit. It's just not right. I'm ready to get things moving here. Little bursts of story are okay, but I want to get driving to someplace more exciting.

Next week is going to be "save little Ben" episode. You know it. It will be cut with Ben in 2008, which is good because he's a great actor and should make the episode interesting...but it bears mentioning that we're entering the home stretch of the next-to-last season. It's okay to start heading forward now. So-so episode, I'd go with a C+.

Quick clips for Wednesday March 25

Fear my awful powers

Yes, the whole Let the Right One In subtitle debacle was covered at Slashfilm.com, Chud.com, and probably lots of other places. But, let's face it, there's no doubt that it was my savage destruction of their stupid practice with my verbal jujitsu that resulted in the announcement that Magnet Releasing has promised that "We are listening to the fans feedback, and going forward we will be manufacturing the discs with the subtitles from the theatrical version." "Fans"...come on, that's total code for "ow, ow, Ryan Syrek totally worked us over with his brilliant and acerbic wit, we surrender!" You'll be able to tell on the packaging the new versions because they will say “SUBTITLES: ENGLISH (Theatrical), SPANISH" in the tech specs on the back. Now, one point of contention is that they're not offering refunds on the dumbtitled version. On the one hand, I get not giving away money, this is not a big company we're talking about here. On the other hand...come on, at least offer an exchange. Seriously, you can't even use the previous version as a coaster, because it will make your beverage retarded. I know it's hard in this economy to take a dive on this one, but the fact is, I bet less than a third of the people who bought it so far will take the initiative to actually return it. Plus, you're the ones who went with an "alternate translation" that was apparently performed by a former contestant on a Vh1 dating show. Make it right, or I will let fly more clever witticisms. Nobody wants that.

Cartoon pilot gets more work

Look, I know you want me to like "Mad Men." I don't. I get that it's supposed to be good and interesting, but like "The Shield" and "The Wire," it just don't flip my switch. I can see the quality, but me no likey. I have to see and review so many movies that fall into this category that I refuse to watch television like it. I watch TV I like. That's it. This is just a roundabout way of saying that I learned to like John Hamm during his stint on "SNL" (which was okay) and mostly on "30 Rock," where it became painfully obvious to me that he needs to be a superhero of some kind. I know that Hollywood lives in a world where they must cast a 20-something in every spandex role (aside from, you know, Robert Downey Jr, who happened to give the best performance as a superhero maybe ever), but come the eff on, this guy has a chin made by God to stick out from a costume. Just look at it. It is spellbinding. Anyway, Variety is reporting that Hamm is joining the cast of Howl, about Ginsberg's seminal work. Cool. I like that he's doing a movie that seems to be of high quality. That it's set in the same general era as his TV show, not so bright. If I were his agent, I'd be lobbying my ASS off to consider him for either Captain America or Green Lantern. It's a big paycheck movie that you're supposed to do BEFORE you go making your esoteric art films about people persecuted for their sexuality. It's the evolution Hollywood has demanded for years.

Lost predictions for "He's Our You"

Yeah, after reflection, last week had like 3 good moments and only 3 good moments: (1) Little Ben meets Sayid (wow does that sound like a covert way of describing Sayid exploring his sexuality); (2) Sun and Frank talk to Christian (by the way, all the talk of seeing Claire in the background in the HD version is being spoken by people seeing what they want to see...these people also believe 99% of conspiracy theories and have rewatched Three Men and a Baby about 20 times to see the ghost in the background); and (3) Sawyer and Jack pee at one another (Sawyer totally painted the snow better this time out...and Jack didn't seem to mind). Methinks we're sitting in 2 more episodes of lull, as the airing on April 8 ("Dead is Dead") has a press release that states something to the effect of Ben summons the smoke monster to ask for his judgment, meaning I think we get the answer to smokey's mystery. That rules.

Anyway, on to predictions for tonight's hopefully surprising but probably just more moving pieces around episode.

1.) Sayid will escape. Now, Doc Jensen is really loving his own theory that Sayid was, in the time we didn't see him on screen, captured by the Others and convinced to be a double agent for them. I just don't buy it. They couldn't possibly have had time to convince him to do their bidding AND give him the necessary information to do so. Plus, to what end? Why would they NEED him to at this point in the history? Personally, I think that Sayid is going to figure that if he kills little Ben, everything gets better. He's normally a pretty smart fellow, but the evolution of his character has moved him from suave and thinking to savage and bloodthirsty. I think he's going to try to kill Ben and I think someone is going to stop him. Someone being Sawyer.

2.) "He's our you" seems to be referring to someone from the Dharma Initiative who is going to be revealed to be some kind of likeness for a castaway. In the interest of being right, I'm going to guess that Sawyer will say this to Sayid about someone coming to torture him for information.

3.) Sun and Frank and Ben will all begin their march to figure out how to go back in time. I think, because of the preview mentioning Smokey in a coming episode, that their journey to the Temple is about to begin. What I'm curious about is what will happen when Ben meets 2008 Richard Alpert again. Plus, where's John Locke and what's he doing? I'm thinking this week may bring us John vs Ben round whatever. I think Locke wins this one.

4.) We're going to get A LOT of Jack/Kate/Sawyer/Juliet (or, as the power of nicknames demands us to call them: Jakawlet). I don't know if this is going to be compelling or not. It will be if we see the depths of Sawyer and Juliet's bond. As in, if Sawyer is able to show Kate early that he cares deeply for Juliet by rebuffing Kate or something, then it's interesting. I also wonder how Jack's going to take all of it. You know, I think he's a changed man (for realzys), but it's hard to fight your past urges. Chances are, he's going to want to be "the guy" again. It'll be interesting to see him struggle with that. Or not, but I hope it is.

5.) We won't see Smokey.

6.) Here's my big prediction: I think we see the purge start tonight. By that, I don't mean that we see the actual carnage, but we see how THE CASTAWAYS are somehow responsible for it. I'm not sure how, but I think this is going to happen and happen soon. We've had the ticking bomb of the Purge over our heads for awhile now, it's time for that clock to hit zero.

Well gang, that's it. Again, I'm calling for a tepid one this week, but I hope I'm wrong. They tend to build steam as the season progresses after a little lull. I think when we hit "Dead is Dead," we're in the clear, and the rest will rule. Until tomorrow.

Quick clips for Tuesday March 24

Let me get mad at the right one

I haven't gotten around to buying Let the Right One In on DVD yet. I will, just so I have a copy of one of the best films in recent memory (and one of my favorite foreign films ever), but apparently I'm going to have to do what Devin at Chud.com is doing and waiting for the collective head-from-ass surgery that must take place. Apparently, as noted by Devin, the gang at Slashfilm.com, and by my friend Andrew, who knew that I couldn't stand by and let more terrible things happen to vampiric Swedes, the DVD has turned the sophisticated subtitles into an episode of "According to Jim." Yep, they dumbed down the subtitles to avoid "confusion" (which nobody had). Now, I'm not sure what half-witted d-bag is responsible for this decision, but you can see the damage yourself here and here. The problem is, nobody seems to know from whence this change came. I mean, surely they didn't think they were going to be able to reel in the guy about to rent Role Models, who at the last second went, "Nope. I'm going with the emotionally challenging and sparse Swedish vampire movie that's really a metaphor for turmoil in adolescence. Screw seeing people taking a nut shot, I want to feel dammit." Then, you dazzle them with the brilliance of your dumbed down, "Two and a Half Men" dialogue. See, anybody who already saw the movie in theaters loved it and talked about how brilliant it was. So...making the dumbtitles basically was the equivalent of taking out the thing that people enjoyed about your movies. Coming soon from these decision makers: Candy without that "sweet taste," football without legs or arms, and music made solely from humming out of noses. Really hope this was one guy's dumbass decision and not a studio-wide choice. That would be depressing.

One day, I'll stop posting about The Expendables...this is not that day

Like me, you probably rise and fall each day wondering about the state of Expendables, a movie that cannot possibly have the knees to bear the weight of expectations being placed on it. That, and why the hell Kurt Russell isn't in it. I mean, let's face it, he's become the poor man's Dennis Quaid, a position recently held by Dennis Quaid. What the hell else could he have to do these days, right? Nobody's knocking down his doors to star in the remake of The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes. Please don't let anybody remake The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes just because I mentioned it. Anyway, it turns out that Sly Stallone mentioned on his site (Stallonezone...how have I not mentioned that before) that he had the same Tango and Cash reunion boner...but that Russell stomped on it. Going so far as to basically accuse Russell of "big-timing" Sly, the note suggests that Russell's agent said he's "not looking to do ensemble work" right now. HA. Why would he? I mean, Kurt Russell is the biggest box office star in the world. Hell, his name is so full of power that just repeating it seven times in a row allows you to lift a car. If you are about to take a test and don't remember the answers, just fill in the name Kurt Russell into all the answers and you'll automatically get an A. I could keep going, but it would just belabor the point that both JCVD and Kurt Russell are idiots who don't know their station in life. They're missing out on a chance to get SOME kind of press, as opposed to their normal no kind of press.

This is not an omen...keep saying that to yourself Zack Snyder

So far, Mr. Snyder has been a very smart fella. He angled his work on Dawn of the Dead to get 300, used 300's huge explodified box office to do Watchmen, and used Watchmen (pre-release) to set up his next pic, Sucker Punch, a female-driven action fantasy starring Vanessa Hudgens, Abbie Cornish, Evan Rachel Wood, and Emma Stone. It was SUPPOSED to be toplined by Amanda Seyfried (from Mamma Mia! and being really good looking fame), but she just bowed out due to "scheduling conflicts." Yep, she's on a TV show ("Big Love") and that could well be to blame. I hope it is...I hope this is not the sign of people detaching from Snyder's star. See, whether it is or isn't, Watchmen is being seen as a flop-ish endeavor. Personally, I think it was an impressive coup from Snyder just getting it made, so consider that. But if the project loses it's lead, the budget comes under fire because he apparently can't poo $300 million movies at will, and things get delayed...we could be looking at Snyder moving from "visionary director" to "McG." I really don't want this to happen, if for no other reason than his visuals are just fantastic. I mean, he really gets how to bring a whole world to life and that's a valuable commodity. I think maybe he should try something a little more tame soon, just to get his head in the right place and ego in check, but I really hope Seyfried's departure isn't a sign of things to come. Plus, she was going to play a character called Baby Doll and was going to look all hot. We're all losing here.

Quick clips for Monday March 23

Expendables now 50 Cent cheaper

Sometimes, the Internet's power is harvested in the most perfect and awesome way possible. For example, you may have heard that I'm a little interested in this Expendables movie. This has been, in part, because the casting is awful-tastic. It's so full of mongoloids and freakshows that I almost feel like I'm peering into a carnival tent. Love dat. Well, when 50 Cent was added to the cast, Sly Stallone went on Aintitcoolnews.com to defend him. What resulted can only be described as a forum fight club, wherein the erstwhile Raptor was savagely mauled by anyone with a keyboard. Since Sly realizes that the success of his film relies 100% on the nerds bantering back and forth on their blogs...50 Cent has been unceremoniously dumped from the film. In his place? The guy who played the president in Idiocracy, Terry Crews. Now, Crews has been applauded for his acting and whatnot in roles that didn't see him looking insane like he did in Idiocracy. I don't care. I will always remember him with that stupid hat and, most importantly, those insanely bulging biceps. Physically, he is perfect for the part. In terms of his acting, insofar as he is not Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson, he has already proven his worth. What I find interesting is that this really does appear to be a move caused by the furor of a bunch of half-wits on a message board. Because what they really needed was a little stroking of their ego to convince them to keep going. We are now dangerously entering a world where the opinions of these people matter. God help us all.

I live in a world with a Coen Brothers remake of a John Wayne movie

Variety blew my mind. They're putting forth the news that The Coen Brothers are going to film True Grit. John Wayne won his Oscar for that film. Wowza. Now, they're supposedly going to be more faithful to the book that was the basis for the film, but here's what I know. The Coen Brothers will be making a full-on Western, and not just any Western, a John Wayne Western. I suppose, when you think about it, they're the only guys with the collective directorial stones to take on a monumental undertaking like this. I admire them, if for no other reason, than I admire anyone willing to make a Western these days. What used to be an entire prospering genre has now been reduced to a few films ever couple of years. Hell, the Western Movie Channel on my digital cable barely has enough programming to get by (and every time I turn the damn thing on it's the same three movies). My grandpa loved the things. Every time I visited he would force me to watch one...until such time as he fell into his afternoon post-snack nap and I could nab the remote from his tummy to change the channel to Voltron. Something must have passed into me, though, as I find myself longing for a good saddles and spurs spectacle every once and awhile. Hell, the Coens could win an Oscar for this and help resurrect the whole thing like Chicago resurrected the musical (and made Hugh Jackman so very, very happy). You never know.

Weekend box office results: Two for two? I'm feeling light-headed

I know, I can't believe it either. I figured for sure that all life on the planet would be wiped out before I actually managed to have two consecutive, non-suck weeks. Now, I don't imagine I'll get used to this (and it's not like I killed it like I did last week), but it's nice to have something go well for a little while. What's interesting is that the box office head-of-steam has seemingly slowed. This leave us asking a terrible, terrible question: Is it possible that people ACTUALLY wanted to see Paul Blart and Taken? Could they actually be hits and not an indication of a trend in general box office? I know, I don't like it any more than you do. The thought that the people WANT that stuff is making my guts go all "Dancing with the Stars."

Here's how it went:

1.) Knowing - $25 million (Accuracy of prediction - 74%)

Nicholas Cage still sucks, but at least he didn't drop a Next bomb on us. Or Bangkok Dangerous. Lord, what the hell was that movie? I walk buy it at the video store and it makes me queasy. I'm not sure what happened, as I once found him quirky and fun. Now, watching him feels like watching something embarrassing about to happen. I tend to turn the channel with the guy on the sitcom is about to make an ass of himself. That's now become Cage's career GPS system.

2.) I Love You, Man - $18 million (Accuracy of prediction- 84%)

I really thought this would open slightly higher than this. Apparently, the world has yet to develop the man-crush on Paul Rudd that I've worked up. This film is generally viewed as a minor work from the comedian and will most likely still do crazy business on DVD. At this time of year, it's pretty much what you expect.

3.) Duplicity - $14.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 89%)

Nice to see some adult fare do decently well. There was a time, though, when a Julia Roberts movie was a huge hit. Now...it's kind of just nice. It's surprising that she chose this little ditty as her reentry into the movie world, but whatever. I can't say I really care. My affection, like most of America's, has moved on to other ladies (and men, sorry Paul Rudd).

4.) Race to Witch Mountain - $13 million (Accuracy of prediction - 77%)

I really thought this would hold better. I guess we're not looking at $100 million movie after all. It will likely finish north of $80 million, but that's not enough to guarantee a franchise. Looks like the Rock is still open to your invite for another movie series.

5.) Watchmen - $7 million (Accuracy of prediction - 93%)

And this is how the adaptation of the greatest comic novel of all time goes out. Whimpering, tail between legs. Thought it would do better, but I guess good is good enough. You can rest now, Watchmen. That'll do.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 84%

Not to shabby. I'll take a solid B any day. Next week is dicier, but whatever. I've proven I'm not a total boob (in this regard). I'll take that on a Monday.

Friday free for all

Belated Lost recap: Shutchyo mouth, we did too "learn" stuff this week

The middle of the story is the hardest (ie, most effing boring) to tell. It's all about mamby pamby bull snot like "feelings" and "character development" and "foreshadowing" (I'm just trying to see how many sarcastic quotation marks I can use...no reason for that, move along). It's easy to begin a season of "Lost" with a bang and to end it with a "Huhbuhwhat?" but the middle, that's where the tricky comes in. This week did a fine job in my opinion with a middle-of-the-roader, allowing us to have a few figure-em-out puzzles and a few nice character beats. Yes, I wish we weren't still in the midst of separated characters having to find their way to one another, but at least they aren't locked in polar bear cages.

Here's what happened this week:

1.) Another plane crashed. Seriously, it's time to stop with all the plane crashing. It was way cool the first few times. Now we've seen it enough. Stop. Anyway, Ajira Air crashes, killing the copilot and only saving everyone else because (A) Lapidus rules and (B) they were able to land on the runway that was built during Jack, Kate, and Sawyer's stay in the island of naughty others. After the crash (which crazy lady who had Sayid captive didn't seem to be freaked out by), Caeser asserts his dominance. I think they're trying to draw a parallel to Jack with him, insofar as he is emerging as a leader, but I am reminded more of Sayid. When Lapidus is like "let's build a fire," Caesar is like, "Dude, I saw buildings when we were crashing, how'sabout we check that shit out first?" Reminded me of Jack saying things like "We'll hide in a cave" and Sayid saying things like "I'm going to build a damn radio." This whole thing is oddly reminiscent of the "tail section" season 2 storyline. Hopefully, it's way more interesting.

2.) Meanwhile, in 1977, Sawyer, having found Jack Mclameplan, ole buddy Hurley, and Kate Stillwantstobangya, takes his former castaways with him back to Dharma land (after an awesome exchange with Jack, to whom Sawyer explains "we're in the Dharma Initiative"). Sawyer and Juliet pull some crazy strings and get the gang added to the manifest as "new recruits." Jack gets assigned as a janitor. Tee hee. Tension instantly emerges between hotter-than-usual Juliet and ain't-nobody-ever-gonna-be-as-hot-as Kate. They see an orientation video and then, toward the end, we have a good old fashioned (and missed) Jack vs Sawyer wang-length measuring contest. (Jack - "You're just going to sit there like a horse's ass and read a book." Sawyer - "I'm going to quote Winston Churchill, point out that I'm banging the chick you once wanted, talk about how everything is much safer than when you're not around, point out how you were a total doofus every time you made a plan WHICH NEVER, NOT ONE TIME EVER, ACTUALLY WORKED, and then tell you that you love it. Jack - "I do love it.") The coolest moment was Jack's seemingly genuinely happy look at Sawyer's assertion of being a leader.

3.) Side story - Jin "catches" Sayid. Turns out he was running around (wtf) in the jungle. When Jin goes to see Radzinsky about a possible plane crash with his wife on it (not knowing she crashed in 2007), he's forced to take Sayid in as an "other" or risk having Radzinsky freak out. Sawyer smartly (and rather enjoyably) gets Sayid to "admit" to being an other so that the terms of the truce protects him from murder. At the end of the episode, a caged Sayid meets young Ben Linus (a twist on when Sayid met a caged Ben in season 2). This, of course, is a huge revelation that Ben must have known about all of these people by the time they came to the island (again). I'm not sure how this all works out time travel wise, but it now appears that Ben DID know at least Sayid prior to "meeting" him when Ben was captured in Season 2. Uh, oh, I'm getting a time travel nosebleed (TM).

4.) Sun follows Ben to a boat that he wants to use to get to the main island. Sun clocks Ben with an oar. Nice. Sun and Lapidus go to Dharmaville, only to find it abandoned and half-exploded from the mercenary fight last season. Then they find Christian (wtf) who shows them a picture of their friends from 1977 in the Dharma Initiative. Their minds are blown. Christian then busts out "You have quite a journey ahead of you." Oh, previous to this there was the monster noise...I'm not sure if they want us to be thinking Christian = The Monster, but the thought is there.

Okay, so cool things did happen. Most notably, I think we got some kind of suggestion about how the time loopiness works, which isn't exactly what Farraday (who, by the by, is missing...my guess is he's off the island, not dead...or, better yet, he returned to the present day somehow) has said. The fact that the baby Amy had is Ethan (not Desmond, which would have been cooler...and still makes me wonder who his daddy is) means that (deep breath) the timestream that the castaways found themselves in the beginning of the show is the same one they are in now. Basically, Ethan couldn't have been born unless Sawyer saved Amy, which he did by going back in time. Thus, because Ethan was alive and tormenting far before the point at which Sawyer went back in time to save Amy, they were operating in a timestream that had ALREADY had that happen. Of course, the other way to look at it is that fate course-corrects for these things and had Sawyer not showed up, something else would have saved Amy. I don't think so though, I think this is the first sign that the time loop they're in has been going since the beginning. Also, whatever the hell is up with Christian is just so compelling...OH and somebody somewhere (I don't remember where) pointed out that Richard Alpert is what Locke and Christian are: A dead guy. That makes sense, huh.

Next week's episode should begin ramping up the steam a bit. At least I hope so. Sorry this was late, I promise to do better next time (not that you can punish me, I just have shame).

Weekend battle plan: Ohmygod you have CHOICES!!!!

In what can only be described as a total error, America has been given an option as to what to see this weekend. You have I Love You Man, a Paul Rudd comedy (I know that Jason Segal is in it, but mentioning him is like giving nuget top billing in a candy bar over chocolate). You have Duplicity, a brainy version of Mr. and Mrs. Smith without gunplay but with added witty banter (and America's former sweetheart Julia Roberts). And you have Knowing, the most troubling film of the bunch. See, back when this movie was supposed to be done by Richard Kelly (Donnie Darko), I was thrilled. Then I heard Alex Proyas was coming on... I love Proyas. Yep, you heard me. He did The Crow (loves it) and Dark City (perhaps on the top 10 all-time sci-fi project list...Roger Ebert agrees!). His only misfire was I, Robot, a watchable movie that now appears to have been corrupted heavily by the assclowns at F**ks Studios. So, cool idea (a time capsule with numbers that predict the future), a cool director, how do you mess it up? Nic. Cage. This douchehammer has been so heavily and thoroughly sucking that I want him referred to as Nic "The Vacuum" Cage. That said, Roger Ebert has praised Knowing, dishing out a four-star review. So really, even though it's the most conflicted choice, how do you not want to investigate further?

That's my recommendation: Take your mom to Duplicity, your buddies to I Love You Man, and your doubt to Knowing. Any way you slice it, a nice weekend.

On DVD: When you have good choices in the theater, you usually have shite on DVD. Speaking of shite on DVD, Twilight hits DVD tomorrow. Yes, on a Saturday. That way the morons who think the books/movie are good can go to midnight release parties without having to miss school the next day. If you rent this movie I hate you. Seriously. You have to know it's crap by now. I'll give a marginal pass if you read the books (because reading should be encouraged, even if it's horse crap writing), but there's no excuse for watching this. None. My DVD recommendation is that you DO NOT WATCH TWILIGHT. Dammit.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Last week was a fluke. We all know it. Hitting in 93% is something I'll remember for as long as I live (or at least until tomorrow...God I hope I didn't just doom myself to death tomorrow). I am, as always, going to take valiant stab again at such a number and...it's possible. I think the top 5 are clear, but I do think that the positioning is going to be tricky (that's what she said). The hard part is going to be figuring out if Nic Cage has what it takes to rise to the top (that's what she said) or whether Paul Rudd is just too damn good to be beat (that's what she said) or, more complicated still, whether adults will make Duplicity a surprise smash (nobody said that).

Here's how I see it:

1.) I Love You Man - $20 million

Given the openings of R-rated comedies these days, the fortuitous timing of Role Models on DVD, the love of America for any (and I mean ANY) comedy these days, and the undeniable power of Paul Rudd's cheekbones, I'm going to say that this hits number one. The only threat, and I'm not shitting you here, is the NCAA tournament. This film is obviously targeting the testoster-crowd, which means March Madness may actually affect the totals (and Knowing's total). Still, I think there's time to both watch crazy basketball and getcher laugh on.

2.) Knowing - $17 million

It's going to be really close between this film and Race for Witch Mountain, which isn't going to have a big fallout. I'm thinking that the non-stop effects reel that is the trailer for this film is going to sway some people who love some destructo-movies. Could this flop like most Cage movies lately? You bet your sweet bippy. I just think the marketing was well played.

3.) Race for Witch Mountain - $16.5 million

To reiterate, it wouldn't surprise me if this whole list was in a crazy different order. I can totally see Duplicity and this flick shooting to the top because of the tournament sucking away dudes (really not making the "she said" joke here). Still, I think that this represents a huge holdover and to do better would mean that women aren't interested in Paul Rudd or global destruction and that's just crazy.

4.) Duplicity - $15 million

Roberts just isn't the draw she used to be, Clive Owen never was a draw, and the previews (while Oceans 11 like) don't suggest action or outright sex. That means you'll get a nice adult crowd who will see the movie over several weekends but not pack it in the first weekend. Then again, I do remember Gran Torino's big wide first weekend take. Who knows?

5.) Watchmen - $8 million

At least it crosses $100 million. Really, don't feel bad for this movie. Lots of us will buy it on DVD, it will break even with international box office, and it was never going to be a franchise anyway. I still like it, I don't care what others say. I'm an individual like that.

No blog for you today

Hey there, no blog today. No time for love, Doctor Jones. Tomorrow we'll hit up Lost and do the usual. Honest.

Quick clips for Wednesday March 18

Things that make me sad

No, this is not a post to discuss true moments of sorrow (like when my iPod died a few weeks back, setting into motion a disastrous chain of events that have left me in a rut, DAMN YOU TECHNOLOGY). This is a post about something I rarely have to deal with (and a review as a bonus!).

About a week ago, an enthusiastic marketing person hired by or working for Roadside Attractions (a distribution company who distributed brilliance in Super Size Me, The Fall, Right at Your Door, and Fido...and less than brilliance with Beer for my Horses...if Toby Keith asks you to do anything but wail on his junk, you say no) contacted me in an effort to rush a screener of Super Capers to my door in time to beat the opening weekend (arriving on Friday). The movie is a low-budget, slapstick love letter to genre influences ranging from 007 to Star Wars to The Matrix and so on made by what appears to be a very nice man getting started in the industry (with two whole credits on IMDB.com). Now, nobody usually cares what the lowly Ryan Syrek thinks about a movie enough to want to get a film Fed Ex-ed to him on a Saturday (mmm...third person), so believe me when I say how badly I wanted to like this movie...or at least enjoy it...or be able to recommend it in some capacity.

Sadly, Super Capers is the worst movie I have seen in almost as long as I can remember.

Review time.

Super Capped
Super Capers makes me long to be shot in the face

It shouldn't be surprising in the age of remakes that a film can be produced without one shred of originality, called a comedy despite not having one inspired or even marginal moment of hilarity, produced without any redeemable factors (save for keeping Tom Sizemore off of drugs for the 3 minutes it took to shoot his role). Somehow, Super Capers still manages to shock with its awfulness.

The "plot" follows a non-powered superhero wannabe named Ed Gruberman (Justin Whalin) as he accidentally gets sentenced to a half-way home for superheroes despite not having any actual powers. He's sent there by Michael Rooker (okay, a character played by Michael Rooker but there's really not a difference any more). Once he arrives at the superhero equivalent of "Sober House," he meets Will Powers (Ryan McPartlin)...feel free to groan at the name. Powers has Superman-esque powers but terribly overplayed self-confidence issues, which is what passes for comedy in the film (Supervillain - "You're fat." Powers - "Sob sob sob." Cue "Looney Toons" sound effects...no that's not a joke). Gruberman also meets Herman Brainard (Sam Lloyd) who has (wait for it) brain powers, Puffer Boy (Ray Griggs...the writer/director of this mess), and Felicia Freeze (Danielle Harris), whom he wants to warm with his super schlong.

There's some kind of story about missing money or escaped villains or something but trust me when I say you won't remember. Under a full-on assault of wacky noises (down to the "ahooogas" and "zoinks" from Saturday cartoons), dialogue that wouldn't be funny if you built a time machine and went back to the 1990s when the riffed-on materials were first released, and acting that can only be described as "Oh, no," Super Capers is without merit. We haven't touched on the effects, which appear to have been done on a home computer, because that just seems mean.

Sigh. Here's the thing, Griggs meant well, there's no question. His tender script over the credits thanking everyone for letting him do the film and helping him with it makes you feel bad. Writing this review feels like making fun of the guy singing his ass off at the Karaoke bar who really wants to be good and entertaining, not because he's shallow, but because he wants to share with you. Oh, oh how I wish this had been a B-movie or bad movie with some measure of entertainment. It wasn't. At all. That saddens me like you can't believe.

In an age when a movie like Primer can be slowly made and put together on home computers and for a relatively small budget, you can't help but be reminded that it is very possible to make low, low, low dollar entertainment with good ideas and the right spirit. Griggs has the spirit, but lordy the ideas aren't there. I'll stop kicking the puppy now, but it has to be said to sum up the point: 2009 officially has it's first entry for "Worst of." Sadface.

Grade - F

There goes anybody ever sending me anything ever again. The hand that feeds me is tasty.

Lost predictions for "Namaste"

Did anybody else panic a little at how much the absence of "Lost" hurt them last week, realizing the show doesn't go on forever and will finish the season soon and then crying, uncontrollably, embarrassingly crying until you thought your annual allotment of tears was used up? Just me? Cool.

I did a little poking around on the Interwebs and found somebody I apparently know third or fourth-hand had reposted (and bless them for doing it) in a forum somewhere (The Fuselage, I think). This is insanely cool. Sadly, as it turns out, most people found my theories as cogent as Swiss cheese and as reliable as a Yugo. Fair enough. I'm not incredibly good at this stuff, I like to do it more than I'm skilled at doing it. Still, discussion is discussion and I think that's what the show wants us to do...so I am actually pumped that this has happened and want more of it! I still argue that I'm right on some of these (like the dude who said "why don't they just stay quiet" to my theory that the whispers are time travelers...to which I can only respond "I don't know, they haven't thus far!" I mean, when Sawyer and the gang saw themselves, they were all whispery. Plus, the other explanations don't make sense. They aren't "ghosts," unless we come to find out that term means something different on the island, and every answer is GOING to filter through the time travel lens, you'd best believe that one). Wow. Long aside there.

Anyway, point is I'm happy to get into these discussions and freely admit how wrong, wrong, wrong I can be and how right, right, right I can be (okay, there should probably only be one right there). What I'm saying is: This is where the fun is with this show, so take off your pants and get in the pool. Wow. Creepy metaphor.

Okay, predictions for "Namaste:"

1.) Doc Jensen at EW.com (weekly plug) tells me we're seeing Radinsky, the guy who drew the map on the blast door. That's not a prediction, that's cool. He also said he's working on something that makes the map make more sense. Also not a prediction, because I didn't come up with that. My prediction: The thing Radinsky is working on is a way to use the island's energy to peer into the future, to spy on it without going there. He realizes the importance of having a map when he sees that others will need it. Total bullpuckey guess, but we're having fun aren't we?

2.) Sun and Sayid are NOT in 1977. I predict they and John Locke and the two new (please don't go Nikki and Paolo) characters are in "present day," providing an interesting obstacle to a happy Sun/Jin reunion. This will also make cool time travel stuff possible, like leaving notes to be read in the future and whatnot. Time travel writers love dat shiznit. Also, I really like the phrase "time travel writers," it sounds like the people who once pontificated on vacationing in Aruba now write about the perils of 17th century Europe for the modern man.

3.) We will again not see Smokey.

4.) Sayid will again not kill anyone.

5.) We'll begin to see how Jack and the gang integrate with Dharma. I'm guessing that Jack will reveal his doctorness (because he can't help himself) and that will allow him to become a valued member. The lie that Sawyer is going to tell is going to have to be a whopper...I think he won't try to assert these are his former boat mates but some kind of rescue mission sent to find him. Just a guess.

6.) We're going to get puppy dog eyes from Juliet to Jack, Sawyer to Kate, Kate to Sawyer and my friend Ben (not the homicidal island dweller) is going to hate it.

7.) Ben is going to have another interesting conversation with Locke where he tries to convince him that his murdering him was a helpful thing. I think we're also going to get an allusion to (but not evidence of) where Ben was when he got beat up. He's going to mention Desmond.

8.) Speaking of Desmond...I don't know that Amy will reveal that her baby is him, but I think we're going to find out who her baby is tonight. I'm sticking with Desmond, but smart money says if it's revealed this early, it will be a minor character (like Ethan or whatnot). If it is Ethan, it's going to bring up an interesting question of how it is Amy would have survived to have him if the gang hadn't gone back in time and saved her...another time travel brain freeze is upcoming.

Beyond all of that, we should see Marvin Candle (aka Pierre Chang) tonight, "Namaste" is kind of his thing yo. Maybe a Miles Straum origin story? Too much to hope for methinks.

Quick clips for Tuesday March 17

Linda Hamilton able to find room in her schedule for Terminator: Salvation

Whew...I mean, given her busy schedule of, um, pilates and "Real Housewives of New York" marathons, Linda Hamilton finally found the time to agree to do voiceover work in the new Terminator movie. No lie, she had to "read the script" first. Really? Really, Linda Hamilton, your career is at the point where you still "read the script" first? Here's how your life should be going right now. "Linda? Hi, we'd like you to..." "Yes" "But I haven't gotten to the..." "Yes" "But there's a large amount of makeup and prosthetics involved and..." "Yes" "But the bear can get slippery and..." "Yes" I mean, don't get me wrong, I like Linda and I wish she had a bigger career. She doesn't. That means when you have a chance to reprise the one role anybody remembers (okay, Ron Perlman remembers you in "Beauty in the Beast" but he was the Beast), you do it. You don't ask how much, you don't delay and "read the script," you do it and hope that it leads to some video game incarnation of you that you get to voice over. Wow. I'm grumpy today, can you tell? I know I said that my domination in the box office prediction over the weekend would guarantee a week of love and laughter, but that only took me right up to about 2:30 yesterday afternoon. Sorry about that. Happy St. Patty's Day, go get drunk so you find me tolerable again.

Things to do other than write

Harlan Ellison remains my secret favorite author. Oh, yes, I WANT it to be Margaret Atwood (my second favorite) because she's more literary and (frankly) more important. I would even settle for Michael Chabon, Jonathon Lethem, or Dave Eggers. All lies. My favorite author is Ellison the asshole, who writes mind-blowing short stories when he isn't douching it up in various ways. He used to be so prolific that he would sit in a bookstore, have a famous person make up a title, and then write a story in one sitting on his typewriter in front of people and everyone who spent a certain amount that day in the story got a copy. Now he just rants on a blog I can't believe he has and sues people. Sigh. According to Variety, Ellison is still hopping mad about the most famous (or infamous now) episode of the original "Star Trek" series, "The City on the Edge of Forever." Whereas he was once pissed about how much they changed it, he's now pissed about how much they have used stuff from it and used the episode itself without giving him money. Now, ostensibly this is also about the role of the WGA and the bastardness of the producers...but this may also be more about Ellison wielding his douche hammer. See, he likes to get really pissy about people "infringing on his genius" but a lot of times it's just grandstanding. Really, this is a roundabout way for me to say two thoughts I've been thinking for awhile: (1) WHY ISN'T HE WRITING MORE STUFF?! I want to read NEW Ellison so bad! (2) You should go read Ellison's work. Check out "Angry Candy" or "Slippage" today. You'll be happy you did. Or not, what do I care. Yep, the grump is back in me, but I'm not suing you.

Spiderman Japanese

If anything could make me happier on this day, it would be a Japanese version of Spiderman finally released to the Internet for our viewing pleasure. If he could just fight some crazy stupid monsters and look like a weird blend of a ninja and a rave kid, that would help. Oh, and if the music was total 70s porn music that couldn't hurt. The following came from an era when Marvel comics was more concerned with promoting a global brand and characters than making every last effing dime they could in every possible way. Who knows how many countless millions in the Asian world were exposed to Spidey in this way (sure, it was LSD Spidey, but whatever). Did that account for high grosses for the later Spider films? Sure. More companies need to think about it like that: Spread some free love (hee hee) for your products to make people willing to pay for them later. In that spirit, here's some free insan-o Spidey for your asses.



Doesn't that rule?

Quick clips for Monday March 16

I blame MacGruber

Some douchebag has decided to make a MacGuyver movie for no reason whatsoever. Nothing says built-in audience quite like a series from the 1980s that was mocked mercilessly then and is still mocked now in a recurring sketch on "SNL," which I firmly believe was the inspiration for bringing this abomination back. With the A-Team movie in preproduction, this officially means we can recreate what a weeknight was like for me a few decades or so ago. Joy. Now that we've moved into the mediocre-popularity television shows from the past, my question is where it stops. I mean, no lie, this has become a full-blown remake epidemic. Are we going to get a movie version of "Earth 2?" Is there going to be a big-screen adaptation of "Seaquest?" Where in the name of Jonathon Brandis does this unholy remaking stop?! Really, at this point you have to wonder when the next wave starts, don't you? I mean, we've relaunched Batman and The Hulk, but there's a precedent for that, what with them being comics and all (they cancel a series and start over at a number one issue like every effing week). But does this mean that we'll see a remake of Brokeback Mountain in a few years? Will there be a big-screen version of Extreme Home Makeover? At any rate, happy Monday, there's going to be a MacGuyver movie. Sigh.

My dream of an octopodigrizzlysaur is not dead

Perhaps the only good news about another mediocre (word of the day) family effects film dominating at the box office (Race to Witch Mountain) is that the next family effects film that will dominate the box office by the director who just makes family films that dominate at the box office seems kind of interesting. Monster Attack Network, which my cable provider stubbornly refuses to carry, will be the next project from Andy Fickman, whose name sounds like a ridiculous fictional nerd character from a 1980s John Hughes movie. Seeing as how his last two movies have starred The Rock, I see no reason why this one won't too. I shouldn't have to tell you what it's about, but in case you need your food cut up, it's about a group of guys who fight monsters. Shocking. In my world, this film would be written by someone with a savvy sense of humor, somebody who knows the right line between B-movie and making an intentionally bad/cheesy film. It would have effects in the vein of Ray Harryhausen and would feature a score by the guy who scores "The Venture Brothers." Hell, were it up to me, it would pretty much BE "The Venture Brothers" with monsters. God, that sounds so cool I think I should pitch it to somebody. I ain't sayin' I'm excited about the next movie from the guy who did The Game Plan, I'm just saying giant monsters never hurt anybody (other than the people they eat and step on).

Weekend Box Office Results: Oh. My. God. Ohmygodohmygod.

The Chicago Bears won a championship in 1985 and haven't won one since. My point is, don't think I'm going to go around thinking I will now dominate every week in this stupid, pointless exercise I perform for the entertainment of me. Still, it's good to be king, however briefly, and today thanks to The Rock, a declining interest in a dang good superhero film, and a remake of a movie that was unneeded the first time around, I am atop the dogpile, I am king of the castle, I am the constructor of a sentence with tons of commas that is likely grammatically incorrect.

Here are the results:

1.) Race to Witch Mountain - $25 million (Accuracy of prediction - 92%)

This likely means we're going to get more Witch Mountain movies, which is a fate far less severe than getting 3 more Paul Blart movies, which we're also getting (happy Monday part deux!). All I know is that it makes things easy when a film like this opens unimpeded. I wish it was like this every week...okay I just now realize that I asked for a film like this weekly. I don't mean that. It isn't worth it.

2.) Watchmen - $18 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

Ouch. I figured this would happen, all the diehards would see it opening weekend and then it would linger. I really feel like that's what happened more than it being terribly received. Side note: Why the hell did they delay the release of "Tales from the Black Freighter" from the same opening frame as the movie? They missed out big time I think. Surely they didn't think we'd stay in and watch that did they? Hmmm....

3.) Last House on the Left - $15 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

Turns out, everybody still likes savage abuse and torture! Hooray for progress! This couldn't have cost more than about $30 million to make, so it's going to be profitable pronto. So help me Jeebus if we get Last House on the Left 2 or Another House on the Left or First House on the Right or anything close to that, we'll see what real torture and violence looks like.

4.) Taken - $6.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 89%)

I have nothing left...um, obscure Liam Neeson facts I guess: Fact number one - Neeson only pees sitting down.

5.) Madea Goes to Jail - $5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 95%)

Thanks for helping me cap the week Tyler Perry! Now BE GONE!

Overall accuracy of prediction - 93%

This gets bolded because I'm awesome. I'm going to have a good week now for sure. MacGuyver movie be damned: Best. Monday. Ever!