Odin's uvula!

Why, not two days ago I was in the comic book shop, picking up the latest and greatest stories told in the Mighty Marvel Manner (seriously, if you like comics and are not reading Hickman's run on "The Fantastic Four," thou art a dipshit). The conversation turned, as it is wont to do, to the subject of comic-book movie adaptations. The quick rundown was Kick-Ass = Da ballz, Losers = Missed opportunity, Iron Man 2 = Exciting...but why all the mixed reviews? The question then became, "what comic book movie are you MOST excited about." That one was easy: Thor. I've been drooling over this flick since I found out that Kenneth Branagh was behind the lens. A friggin' Shakespearean actor/director who has NEVER done anything NEAR this magnitude being unleashed on a tale that would heavily draw from Norse mythology? YespleasemayIhavemore. Then came word that Anthony Hopkins would play Odin, which may be the best decision ever made next to presidential term limits in the light of the Bush administration. Oh and news that Natalie Portman was in it sure didn't hurt anything. I was going to post a picture of the loveliest of lovelies here, but it's Friday...so I'm going to go with something even more fun.

So, long story short, my response to those comic dudes is the same as my response to you here now: I am GEEKED for Thor. More geeked now, thanks to THIS:
Yahoo Movies scored this first glimpse at the Thor in costume...and it looks goooooood. Somehow, the silliness of it (provided they've figured out what to do about the dorktastic winged helmet) was muted appropriately. Sure, we can't see his warrior skirt or KISS boots, but what we do see looks great. This has only further encouraged my belief that this movie will rule all. What say you all?

Ryan's Junk Drawer

Somehow we managed to once more stave off the apocalypse and reach Thursday. You may be thinking, "But Ryan, Thursday isn't Friday, and everybody knows Fridays are the best. There's no restaurant called 'Thank God It's Thursday (TGIT).' What's so special about Thursdays, doofus?" Well, for starters, I think TGIT sounds dirty, so you're a pervert. Second, Thursdays have the highest number of quality TV shows. As evident by this:

Third, it's the day you get to see my junk. Oh yeah, that's right baby. You get to see all of my junk. And of course by junk I mean movie tidbits that didn't warrant their own post (again, what were you thinking, pervert?). Before we peek in MY junk drawer, we always begin by taking a look at the creepy-ass illustration of the junk drawer above (taken from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN) and pick one item from said image to make up a backstory about. Today's item is the pink square in the upper left corner between the thread and the coin. Magdelena's husband, a total asshole, had collected stamps his whole life. In fact, it was the only thing he enjoyed doing besides acting like a total dillweed. When he wasn't singing karaoke Miley Cyrus songs, watching Twilight movies, or misusing the word literally, this douchebag loved nothing more than finding certain stamps. Too sweet to ever directly confront her clownshoes husband, Magdelena did the only thing she could do: She spent her life savings and purchased the rarest stamp in all of creation, the 1920s-era "Why would we worry, everything is going to be great economically forever" stamp. She then took the only stamp her husband needed to finish his collection and hid it in her junk drawer. One day...one day soon, she will present it in front of him, and use it to send in her fan letter to Boy George. Suck on that, tool!

Okay, enough of the nonsense, let's get to the amusing and entertaining junk!

1.) If the muppets make something, I post it - Of the few dictums that guide my life, this one is the easiest: I'm going to watch whatever the muppets do and probably try to force you to do the same. It's the reason God put me on this earth. We have two muppety nuggets of goodness this week, both are related to the phenomenal "Bohemian Rhapsody" cover my fuzzy, permanently sodomized friends did a few months back. The first video is Animal calling his "mama" to let her know that their video got a Webby nomination. Webbys are like Emmys, only nobody cares about them. So....they're exactly like Emmys.


This second video is the actual Bohemian Rhapsody cover...with Kermit's commentary. If you thought it couldn't get better, you were wrong.

Expect my nonstop muppet love to only increase as their next feature film gets closer to reality. You've been warned.

2.) The only Twilight movie that interests me gets a director - As we've discussed here many times, even wretched things can have some interesting facet. From the creepy guy who sits in the back of class mumbling what sounds like demonic incantations (but who does really great drawings of puppies) to the girl whose laugh sounds like she ingested a water buffalo (but can rebuild a car engine with her eyes closed inside of five seconds), there can be a nugget of wonderful in everyone and everything. What I'm saying is, I'm going to get excited for Breaking Dawn, the final movie (or movies, nobody is clear on that yet) of the Twilight torture. Again, this is not because it's going to be good. It can't be. It's because I cannot wait to see how they're going to do some of the hallucinogenic, batshit insane sequences that I'm told are in the book on the big screen. The best part is, most of these wacky shenanigans are tied directly to huge plot events, so you can't really not do them. Seriously people, if these things are weird enough to make me WANT to see one of these godforsaken movies, you know they have to be WEEEEEIIIIIRRRRD. The news is this: According to EW, Bill Condon is going to direct Breaking Dawn. Condon did Dreamgirls (meh) and Gods and Monsters (YAY!) and is generally seen as a good director that people respect. Sorry, he WAS generally seen as a good director that people respect. Now he's the guy who sold out for Twilight. Don't let that get you down, Bill! You just get to making the craziest thing that I've ever heard presented to teenagers!

3.) Magic 8-Ball finally gets its day in the sun - The craze over boardgames-turned-movies defies logic and good taste. And it's only getting worse. Battleship, Ouija, and Monopoly are all happening, really happening. Over at Vulture, the news gets worse: The Magic 8-Ball is going to get a movie. There is literally no way in which this can be made into something entertaining. I don't care if you resurrect Alfred Hitchcock and Stanley Kubrick to team up with one another. Okay, I care and would totally watch that, but those guys are dead and you're no necromancer. Thus, the chances of this being anything other than a crime against humanity are slight at best. You know what I'd do? I'd make this Sandra Bullock's comeback project. It seems like she was following its advice anyway when she chose to marry the homophobic neo-nazi who bangs bags of silicon with people attached to them. Plus, I'm pretty sure her manager has been a Magic 8 Ball this whole time. It just got lucky with The Blind Side.

4.) The best team up since Spider-man/Man-thing - Vulture has some better news though. They say that JJ Abrams is teaming up with Steven Spielberg. Wow. That's really crazy good news! Abrams is primed to be the Spielberg of this generation, I feel, delivering mass crowd pleasers with true skill and heart. Supposedly, Abrams is teasing that his new secret project is going to be a collaboration with Spielberg and is very reminiscent of Stevie's projects from the 80s and 90s (please don't mean Hook, please don't mean Hook). Someone has also described it as "the anti-Avatar," which I can only assume means it will have an original script and not be directed by someone who is investing vast resources in cloning himself for the purposes of making out with it. More on this exciting movie pairing as it becomes available.

5.) Trailers, parked - We've got horses, horror, and horrible acting this week. Wowza!

First up is Secretariat, a movie my wife wants to see so bad she was almost late for work watching this. It's basically Seabiscuit 2, but I'm good with that. What? I like feel-good stories, and John Malkovich is in it.



If campy is more your thing, check out Piranha 3D. The franchise gave birth to Jim Cameron, and this somehow feels kind of fun. I'm sure it's going to fall short of the entertainment it could provide, but if it gets close, I'm going to love it.


Finally, it must be done: Here's the Twilight Eclipse trailer. Mind you, they can't show you all of the film BECAUSE THEY'RE STILL DOING RESHOOTS. That's not a good sign. Then again, what did y'all expect. It's more of the same. Again, all of this only serves to set up the insanity of the final chapter. You have no idea.


That's my junk for this week. Back atcha tomorrow for Friday, yo.

Talk to the Flocke: Reactions to the season thus far

Before we start, howsabout a little fun? First up, you should go HERE to see some incredibly awesome images posted by an incredibly cool guy who is making a poster for each episode. How cool is that? Here are some of my favorites:



How do you not want to own all of these? I don't even know how to get them as posters, the guy is just doing this online, but if he sold them, I would buy them. They're incredible and there are tons more at that site. You should check them out.

Next up is a cool shot from Wired Magazine.
Yep, that's a picture of Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof in front of the "big board" that they use to write stuff about "Lost." The show is done. It's been shot and is now being edited. There's no more writing to do, which is crazy. There's a ton of stuff to pick apart in the image above (big view HERE), which I find to be tons of fun because they aren't "spoilers" so much as "clues." If you don't want to play, that's fine, skip on down to the next paragraph. No harm, no foul. If you want to play a bit (and again, nobody should post anything on this site or any other that they KNOW to be a spoiler), then let's peek at the image above. If you look to the far left you'll see the episode titles and the "focus" of the episode for each episode up to number 615. What's interesting is three-fold: (1) As you can see, episode 612 was "Everybody Loves Hugo" and beneath that title is the word "Hurley," indicating he was the center. What then is the word beneath last week's episode? It's blurred by a glare (on purpose), but the word ends with "...oundelay." My guess? The word was "foundelay," meaning "Found L.A.," which is what they likely call the flash sideways. (2) The focus next week for "The Candidate" is, as everyone knew, "Jack/Locke." I find this interesting because it doesn't say "Jack/Flocke" or "Jack/Man in Black." Does this mean that internally they still call Flocke Locke? Or does this mean that we'll be focusing more on the sideways Jack and the sideways Locke? Or does this mean that there's still some Locke in Flocke? See, this is fun, right? (3) Most interesting of all, for episode 615 ("Across the Sea"), we see the majority of the "focus" is obscured. All we get is the letters "fy" or "ey." My guess? That's the name of the Man in Black. Whatever it may be. Feel free to start guessing. This image can be unpacked for hours upon hours. Go to it if you so wish. Just share your thoughts when you're done.

Okay, welcome back to you spoiler-phobes (even though we did nothing spoilery!). I'm going to do two things this week: First, I'm going to talk about my feelings about the final season so far; Second, I'm going to give you a possible "theory" of how I think things will play out. Let's get to it.

My love/hate with season six

When I'm watching the episodes, actually watching them, I have loved this season more than any other. Then, the next day, I write about the episode. I'm still loving it at this point. I discuss each and every theory and minor point, I have great conversations (real and online) that make me excited, and I generally smile a lot. Then I spend a day or two thinking about it in my head, putting it in context with all the other episodes this season. Suddenly...I like it less. Why did we spend so much time on the temple just to totally discard it? It was kind of like the Dharma cages, wasn't it? Why did they spend so much time on Dogen if we just toss him to his death? Why are we spending so much time on the flash sideways? Especially aspects that don't matter? Are the cameos from former cast members of minor note just a wink-and-a-nod? Because I don't care if we see Charlotte ever again. Why can't they answer every question that they created if they have enough time to show Jack driving around like crazy in his flash sideways? Why make Kate such an important player for 5 seasons and then dismiss her? How can the smoke monster be Christian if he appeared off-island? And so on and so on.

Here's what it boils down to: When the season started, I was on the creators side (still am). They basically were like "Hey, we can't wrap every little Hurleybird up, so you're going to have to use your imagination on some stuff." That was cool with me. I didn't need Libby's backstory, but I did need a lot of the big stuff answered. Then it became obvious that a lot of the big stuff was going to be just brushed aside. I personally like the answer for what the numbers were (the candidates), but it would have been nice to see a little more about it. I could have stood to hear a little more about what made Walt special and stuff like that. But here's the big one, and it's the heartbreaker for almost every "Lost" fan I know. Dharma...was filler. Yeah, it was. It wasn't the key to unlocking things. It was a plot device that became a side-story to fill 6 seasons instead of two. Looking at it objectively, this is a 2-season show plot-wise. The concept was to have these characters act as pawns in a game of chess between Jacob and the Man in Black (just look at the pilot knowing what we know now). Dharma was the best backstory/filler material I've ever seen, but it is now painfully apparent that it was just that: The means to an end. We're not going to see the DeGroots. We're not going to meet Alvar Hanso. We're not going to hear about how and why the Dharma initiative was created. Jacob's not going to have a hand in it. Nothing. We're going to hear nothing more about Dharma. I am so sorry, but we're not. (This is not from a spoiler perspective, remember, just my opinion).

On the one hand, I'm okay with that. This is now well within the range of what the creators were thinking when they started the show. They're telling their story now, and I like that story. I just don't like that story as much as the community story that we began telling a few years ago. See, at a certain point, "Lost" got hijacked by the fans. It got turned into a phenomenon with millions of smart, smart people speculating about what could and should happen. If you think about it: No matter how smart the creators and writers of the show are, they're nowhere near as capable as, say, a writer's room of the entire world. What I mean is, of course having 2-5 million smart people coming up with ideas would yield cooler stuff than 20-30 smart people doing the same. We were bound to be slightly disappointed.

On the other hand, I do wish they would have listened just a bit more. If they had heard a little more of the Dharma love, I think they could have had one episode to really put a big bow on that for the fans. Who knows, maybe I'm vastly wrong and one of these episodes will do that. I doubt it, though, knowing where we've been heading this whole time. Anyway, this is my overall problem with the final season: I love it and I hate it. I love so much of it (especially while I'm watching it) and I hate the regrets it makes me feel at times. Don't get me wrong, I'm judging this entire experience by the 6 years I've spent with it and I wouldn't trade it for anything. But it's fair to have these feelings. People we love can piss us off, right? Why can't TV shows we love?

My final predictions for what is going to happen

I'm going to change my mind 100 times on this theory, just FYI. But it's an off week so I figured, why not. Oh, and each week I'll be making predictions. Some of them will definitely contradict what you read below. It's my blog and I'll do what I want to, even if it makes me a liar. I love you all.

Oh, and before I forget, many people reading this will likely be receiving an invitation to our "Lost" party. We have some great costume ideas already, so it should be rad. But if you're looking for something to do on that night, there's a good chance you're getting an invite.

Okay, here goes:

1.) Desmond finishes "waking up" the 815 crew. They discuss what it means that they all remember, and they decide collectively that even though they all have things they like in this sideways world, it isn't real. Being that it isn't real, they can't accept it. They have to "go back" again.

2.) They seek someone in the know, possibly a reawakened Faraday or, more than likely, Desmond is the gateway. He seeks out Eloise and they come up with a way to return, even though she doesn't want them to.

3.) Everyone, including Locke, is shunted back to the island. This is actually what was meant by "they're coming." What we see is that each of them is a stronger person now, they are completed by the knowledge of what life would be like if "things had been different." Locke kicks the MiB out of his body, making him vulnerable.

4.) We see rapidly-aging boy Jacob again. He has a heart-to-heart with Jack. Jack decides to take over for him. This puts him in direct conflict with the Man in Black, who is now out and out trying to kill him.

5.) Widmore gets involved, trying to use Desmond to kill the Man in Black. Basically, he needs Desmond to set off some kind of charge by luring the Man in Black in his smokey form into some place that he can be destroyed with a dispersion of electromagnetic energy. Desmond does this, but at some peril to himself. Widmore saves Desmond, but dies himself in doing so, giving Desmond his approval before he dies. The Man in Black is weakened, but not yet dead. Sayid delivers the killing blow, dying himself in doing so.

6.) Jacob meets with Jack again, this time Jacob is fully Jacob. Jack is given one last test, one that involves Kate. Jack has to let Kate die. He does so and fully claims the mantle of Jacob. Jacob is released and thankful. Before he goes, he pardons the souls that were stuck on the island, and sends their spirits into the flash sideways world.

7.) Although most survivors leave, Locke decides to stay. Ben does too. Both have nowhere else to go. We leave with the idea that Jack is going to protect the island, just in case the MiB ever comes back.

Sidenote - We find out that Jacob and the Man in Black were just people who were mysteriously brought to the island themselves. I don't think we see the heavens open and I don't think we ever find out what all the "rules" stuff was about. I think it's all left wide open.

That's my best guess based on what I've seen. Not particularly perfect but somewhat inevitable (at least parts). I hope it's more complicated and cool than that, but no matter what, it's been one hell of a ride, right?

Thoughts, angry responses, passionate contradictions?

Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 29)

This column has reached 29. You know what that means: It's about to endure an identity crisis. It's going to be all "Nobody loves me. What have I done with my life? Nobody even reacts or responds to me. And it's sure as hell obvious that nobody wants to write film@thereader.com and get information about how to send me products for free." This is what happens when things turn 30.

Quick moment of seriousness: Unlike my Junk Drawer, which you get to peek in tomorrow, I rarely break the farce of this column. I don't expect anyone to buy me any of this stuff. Honestly, I don't. I do sometimes wish that studios would send me DVDs/Blu-Rays to review, just because that's what all the cool sites get, but I really just do this column to be funny and to show off cool nerd shit that I know friends of mine will like. That's all. I realize that I sound like a greedy piggie when I write it...and if this is the first time someone has stumbled on Ye Olde Blog, they may be frightened by the hubris of someone demanding things (or ashamed of the indecency of someone begging). It's all a schtick. Unless, of course, you are someone working for one of the many companies I pimp for free. In which case: GIMMEE, GIMMMEEEEE, GIMMMMMEEEEE!

Here are the three things you should buy me this week:

1.) I'm a big supporter of the nerd soap movement - First, as always, a big tip of my 40 oz to NerdApproved.com, who is constantly killin' it like an Energizer shark. Second, I can't tell you how ingenious this nerd-hygiene movement is. I was impressed when I saw the Han Solo in carbonite soap bar. That was inspired. Now I see this:
That's entirely made of soap. Yeah, a Nintendo cartridge ENTIRELY MADE OF SOAP. Where from? Geeksoap. See, we've been going at this all wrong people. We've been trying to bring our smelly nerd friends the soap, when we need to make our smelly nerd friends find the soap all on their own. Why does the comic book store always smell like "uh oh" milk? Because nobody had yet thought of a way to convince nerds that soap wasn't harmful to them. Boom. Geeksoap. Remember, as I've said before, you're going to want to buy your nerdlings two of each kind. They're going to keep one mint in box (that joke is funnier when you realize that the flavor of that soap above is mint).

2.) This will be lame if you're not the first person to do it - I'm warning you, this next one is something that should be done immediately or not at all. I have no doubt in my mind that the third time you see such a thing, you'll be talking about how lame it is. But the first time...the first time you see it, you cannot help but admire the awesomeness.
That's a Carstache. You no longer have to dream about turning your car into a circa 1970s porn star: You can do it. Again, I realize that the novelty of this may have even worn off between the time that you saw the image and the time you finish reading this, but still...that's a mustache for your car.

3.) There are literally thousands of these - If I had to pick one, and only one, all-inclusive shirt to display my affection for the greatest television show in the history of broadcasting (and the link above will take you to a billion other options), I would choose this one:
It's always been about characters for me, and it looks damn cool. I'm about to head over to the post where I chat about "Lost," so I thought this was fitting today. It's a great shirt for a great show. Sniffle. I'm getting nostalgic already!

Anchorman 2: Anchor THIS

If you want Anchorman 2, you have to speak up now. Unlike the many, many, many worthless sequels and derivative films that Will Ferrell has been tricked into making, there's still lead in Anchorman's pencil. I mean, the movie was so hilarious that this guy was a MINOR character:



I would watch a movie entirely about Brick. Oh, yeah, he works better as a sidekick to Ron Burgundy, but I would watch 2 hours of that character trying to live. No major plot needed, just 2 hours of Brick attempting to survive as a normal human. Thankfully, we'll get more than that, as MTV talked to Adam McKay, who revealed that everybody (and I mean EVERYBODY) has agreed to come back and take pay cuts. This is great news. One problem: Apparently Paramount is still not committing the dough necessary to get this project off the ground. This is where we come in. I don't understand the inequity in life that guarantees us 5 Twilight movies and Paul Blart 2 but denies us the unquestionable goodness of a second Anchorman movie. But I do know that the magical powers of the internets may just allow us to strike a blow for all that is good and right. Oh, sure, Arizona will still have passed a law that would seem Draconian by Doctor Doom's standards, but this modern world still has miracles in it. See, studios float stories like this to gauge public interest. Well, gang, let's turn the public interest gauge for Anchorman to 11. Let us cry from the rooftops and demand more of Brick, more tridents, more dogs that impressively eat all of the cheese! In the absence of equality and justice as a people, let us have ANCHORMAN 2!!!!

Funny guy to direct funnybook movie

I've bought several volumes of Garth Ennis's comic series "The Boys" for a friend of mine. She loves it, which is enough for me to say that I'd like to see a movie version of it. It's a raunchy, comedic take on the superhero world filled with vulgarities and horrifying situations. It is funny, but it is not something you'd peg director Adam McKay for, seeing as how his biggest hits have been Anchorman (yay!) and Step Brothers (McKay, I'm-a cut you). The director of the Nightmare on Elm Street remake, Samuel Bayer, really wants to direct The Boys movie...and he's the one who's ratting out McKay! Film School Rejects talked to Bayer, who more or less said that the suits want McKay, and his only hope is that Elm Street both tears it up and is well received. Now, I somehow doubt that people are going to pack the seats of the horror retread in order to secure Bayer a directing job for a cult-favorite comic. Still, it's interesting news all around. I don't know quite how I feel about either person being in charge. Actually, I do. I don't care. I only wish that there was some forward momentum on Ennis's masterpiece, "Preacher," instead of some sideways movement on a merely entertaining diversion. Such is life.

Crazy, stupid, awesome cast

The movie once titled Crazy, Stupid Love is no longer called that. It does, however, still sport a crazy, stupid, awesome cast that is only getting crazier, stupider, and more awesomer. We already knew that Steve Carell was going to play a father whose "life unravels as he deals with spousal problems," a plot that sounds only slightly more original and specific than "a wacky couple falls in love and a misunderstanding keeps them apart." We also knew that this guy was going to be in it.

His name is Ryan Gosling, and he used to be famous. Why he isn't in more movies I simply cannot know. He's a good-lookin' fellow who used to date Rachel McAdams (+10 charisma) and got an Oscar nomination for playing a crack-head teacher. I like that he's reemerging from whatever bizarre dungeon he's been confined to for being a hunk who can act, but it's weird that he's suddenly back...in a Steve Carell movie. We also knew that Kevin Bacon and Emma Stone were included. Obligatory Emma Stone photo:

Now we know that the cast is getting even more bestester. Yeah, that's right, despite ALREADY having Kevin Bacon, the film decided to really up the ante by adding....Josh Friggin' Groban. Most of you know Groban from his whiny, girly music and his Jonas Brother-esque appearance. What you DON'T know about him is that he's also an avid MMA fighter and explosives expert. Oh, sure, he performs beautiful songs that your mom loves. But at night...at night Groban enters back-alley hobo fights and builds his own explosives. He's killed 73 men and this acting gig is just another way to convince potential opponents that he's off their game. When they're not expecting it...WHAMMO: They're Grobaned. I'm just kidding, he's a big pussy. But he is in this movie, so that's lame.

Also in the movie is Marisa Tomei, who is aging so well that I'm only marginally convinced she's some kind of nosferatu. This is her now.

She's almost 50. I think she'll likely play Carell's wife, but here's hoping that she gets to romp with Gosling. She deserves it. Plus, I buy that she'd go for him before Carell and that both would want her. This turned into a very salty post. Apologies.

No "Lost" today, what could substitute? Turtles?

I know that nothing will salve the wound in your heart left by the absence of "Lost" this week. I have no idea why they're doing this to us, other than to make us so rabid for the remaining episodes as to be a danger to ourselves and others. Seriously, I just punched the mailman because he said "See you later" and it sounded like "Sawyer" and I yelled "YOU BASTARD WHY WOULD YOU REMIND ME?" I shouldn't tell people about that. Anyhoodle, I'll be back tomorrow with a fancy new post on some percolating theories and speculations to this point in the season. It will be kind of like a time out in football at the two minute warning. Man, there's a football reference that reminds me that there's still something like 17 weeks before the NFL season actually begins. WHY DOES GOD HATE ME LIKE THIS?!

The following is not going to make ME feel any better about the above (especially about the mailman, he hasn't moved in like an hour). It will, however, make someone I know trip balls (that's the legal, medical term).
This image is from LatinoReview. It's also more than likely NOT real. This is a shame, because they are, in fact, making a live-action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie, and this would be a great look for them. The plan as it stands now is to make live suits and then CGI the face a bit, which is what made Where the Wild Things look so great. Since this image was posted on the 'net, a bunch of people have come forth saying that it's a student project. I don't really care. I didn't ever think this was real, I just thought that people should see it and see the reaction to it so that the studio can possibly gauge our reactions. I give this a solid A grade for coolness. What say you?

Weekend Box Office Results: There be dragons at the top...again

Wow, so that 3D thing helps then? I mean, don't get me wrong, I like the good news trumpet that everyone is blowing in regards to the returns that How to Train Your Dragon is bringing in, but you and I both know that's at least in part due to the inflated 3D ticket prices...especially because there was a dramatic increase in 3D ticket prices just before Alice in Wonderland posted that remarkable tally (especially given that the film was shit). Again, let me reiterate, I do not wish this Dreamworks dribbler any ill will. It's just that I'm tired of the love that gets dumped its direction when, really, it's just performing well, not incredible. Not performing even well: both The Losers and The Back-up Plan (which should be called the "Back-up and Walk Away, J-Lo" Plan.)

Here are the results, haiku style:

1.) How to Train Your Dragon - $15 million (Accuracy of prediction - 96.5%)

The dragons still reign!
This sounds like a fairy tale.
Just not a new one.

2.) The Back-Up Plan - $12 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

So much for that, huh?
You had it all dear J. Lo.
Now? Vh1 time.

3.) Date Night - $10.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 80%)

Still truckin' along!
Good word of mouth must be out.
Slow but steady wins!

4.) The Losers - $9.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 51%)

I know there's a joke...
Something about how this failed...
Hmm...I'll think of it.

5.) Kick-Ass - $9.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 82%)

Overseas, it's hot.
This is good, because we suck.
I wanted better.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 80%

Not a bad effort,
but certainly not my best.
Sounds like a Monday.

Okay gang, that's it. Behave on this start of the workweek and I'll see you tomorrow.

Woody revealed!

Because I grew up shortly after his biggest accomplishments, I've always been quasi-ambivalent to the recent work of Woody Allen. Then he cast Scarlett Johansson as a horny tramp in Match Point, and suddenly I had renewed interest in the auteur. All joking aside, I get the appeal but other than his classic material, he hasn't hit a home run with me personally in a long time. How to remedy this problem (which I know keeps Woody Allen up all night thinking "How? How do I please Ryan Syrek?"): You cast a group of talented hotties. We knew for awhile that Allen was shooting in Paris, but we didn't know the title of the film, a plot, or the full cast. Well, Yahtzee. We now know all three. It's called Midnight in Paris (am I the only one that makes a mental joke about Paris Hilton's sex tape every time a movie title ends with "in Paris?" Yes? Okay then). It's about a family that travels to, um, Paris; a young engaged couple is among them, and they confront the classic temptations of those about to get married. Allen says in a press release, “the film celebrates a young man’s great love for Paris, and simultaneously explores the illusion people have that a life different from their own is better.” Interesting. More interesting than this? The cast. Get ready for a full-blown hottie attack:

Owen Wilson (And hopefully this hat)

Marion Cotillard (Whose accent will finally fit)
Rachel McAdams (Who can do anything she wants at all times)
Carla Bruni-Sarkozy (The first lady of France?!?!?!)
Kathy Bates (What? She's hottttttt, right?)

Obviously, they had me at McAdams, who I can only hope plays the trashy love interest but likely plays the sweet, well-intentioned engaged lady. Sigh.

Now someone else will have to light Nic Cage on fire

Vulture says that we may have a Nicholas Cage-less Ghost Rider sequel, which comes as a huge disappointment to Nicholas Cage. Scheduling conflicts, that dreaded boogeyman that claims at least 2 good projects and 100 bad ones every year, may prevent Cage from once more lighting his skull on fire. Cage must do National Treasure 3, because there's still too much hope and light in the world, so that means he can't do Ghost Rider 2, and Sony HAS to make the movie before November, when the rights would revert back to Marvel if they're not in production. The good news is, there's no shortage of people that I would love to see with the skin from their head removed and their skull lit on fire. Then again, I'm guessing we're not going to be hearing "Glenn Beck is Ghost Rider" anytime soon. Plus, I'm told they use some kind of wussy special effect to make that happen, which is total crap. The script for the film is done, and supposedly is not some kind of remake, which is fine because the 3 people who care about Ghost Rider as a character already know his schtick. Look, it's going to bomb. If it were me, I would let the rights expire. You pretty much know that there's a tight ceiling on how much this can make, and without your star (however weird he may be), you know you aren't even reaching that. Not every property from comic books is gold; Ghost Rider is lame and you can walk away any time. This message brought to you by a comic nerd who has actually read a "Ghost Rider" comic and lived to tell the tale.

Movie Review: The Losers

Mornin' sexypantses.

It's Monday! The exclamation point isn't me showing excitement, it's in lieu of a curse word. See, I can behave. My weekend was jam packed with busy-ness. Friday was spent catching a movie (I know, my free time is so diversified) and catching up with a friend, Saturday was running some errands, and Sunday was babysitting my niece all day. Yeah, I'm tired. That's the point of weekends, right? To make you exhausted so you can take the week to recover...wait...

Anyway, I caught The Losers this weekend, and was subsequently overwhelmed by its commitment to mediocrity. I don't want to go too deeply into spoilers (I pretty much avoid giving them like Fox News avoids providing facts), but let me say that this entire movie is inconsequential. That is to say, not one plot point or thread is resolved in the film. Not one. How do you do that? Do you really think that The Losers is going to be guaranteed a sequel? Your biggest stars are Zoe Saldana's supple butt cheeks, how do you KNOW there's going to be a sequel? Spoiler alert: You sucked at the box office. No sequel for you. True, I won't lay awake at night trying to figure out where the magical misadventures of The Losers will go next (and if I wanted to know, I'd read the comic book series), but it would have been nice to have an ending or significant event mixed in. Here's the full review:

The Poseurs
The Losers lost the plot

You know the saying about “assuming,” right? When you “assume” your tepidly paced, modestly budgeted, slapdash action movie automatically warrants a sequel, you make an “ass” out of “u”…and anyone who paid to see something actually happen. Catchy saying, huh?

The Losers is the “other” type of comic book adaptation: the kind based on material with which not even all nerds are familiar. Based on the Vertigo Comics series written by Andy Diggle (perhaps the best real name that sounds like a porn name), the characters were faithfully transferred by screenwriters Peter Berg and James Vanderbilt. The plot, however, was forgotten and left somewhere to die alone. This may sound harsh, considering that The Losers is actually sporadically charming thanks to a cast chained together without a weak link to an anchor-shaped narrative; then again, if nuance was ignored on screen, why should it be found in the review?

The Losers is “The A-Team” with more racial and gender equality. Clay (Jeffrey Dean Morgan) is the “Hannibal,” the gruff-but-lovable leader of a special ops unit framed for a crime they didn’t commit and targeted for execution by Max (Jason Patric), a government official whose rank is never given but who seems to run the entire United States. Max intends to start another war by using a new weapon of mass destruction, called a “Snuke,” which is nowhere near as adorable as its name. You guessed it, it’s up to Clay’s disgraced unit to stop Max and clear their names.

Morgan, whose business cards should read “Call me when your project doesn’t warrant George Clooney,” is sufficient but less engaging than his castmates. The scalding supernova that is Zoe Saldana (Star Trek, Avatar) once more melts celluloid as Aisha, a mysteriously intentioned stranger who helps the rag-tag gang; Idris Elba (“The Wire,” “The Office”) brings his bad attitude and semi-mohawk as Roque; and Oscar Jaenada is the silent-but-deadly sniper, Cougar. But it’s the soon-to-be Captain America, Chris Evans, and Columbus Short who steal the show as Jensen and Pooch, respectively. If The Losers were reedited to be Jensen and Pooch, it would be a box office phenomenon.

The Losers was never going to be groundbreaking, but director Sylvain White (Stomp the Yard) is too timid with the violent set pieces, as if he were afraid to turn the dial up to ridiculous or down to realistic. Combined with perhaps the least pulse-pounding music to ever join a series of explosions (bad, John Ottman, bad), the action never climaxes and the plot doesn’t resolve a single thread…not one. The only thing audiences are really left with is a mild affinity for the characters and a memory of Jason Patric hamming things up like his middle name was porkchop.

Expecting The Losers to be sophisticated is silly, but expecting it to be fun is fair. As is often the case when hubris makes it on screen in the form of a wink-and-nod guarantee by the characters that they’ll be back for more, they won’t be…and nobody’s really losing out here.

Grade – C

Weekly Round-Up

So, what did we learn this week?

We learned that there are few things more terrifying than Father Swimcoach Scoutmaster.
We learned that I always have a few notes.
We learned that my predictions are less frustrating that what happens on "Lost" sometimes.
We learned that the sequels are attacking!
We learned that I still have wants and I still have junk!

Not too shabby for one week! Have a great weekend, y'all. See you Monday!

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Wow, that was a heck of a deluge of movie news, eh? I know, I impress myself sometimes. Okay, let's get right down to what really matters to you: Whether the damn Dragon movie or the trashy-but-fun action movie, The Losers, will take home first place in a relatively tepid week for the box office. I know, I'm on the edge of my seat too.

Here are my predictions, haiku style:

1.) How To Train Your Dragon - $16 million

Without the 3D,
this is not a major hit.
Yay! Higher tickets!

2.) The Losers - $15 million

Don't expect too much,
and you may get a surprise.
Yes...that's my motto.

3.) The Back-up Plan - $12 million

No one go see this.
Ladies, you deserve better.
Men, J-Lo is done.

4.) Kick-Ass - $11 million

This still isn't right.
I wanted a bigger hit.
So much for my needs.

5.) Date Night - $10.5 million

It just keeps truckin'.
That's more than okay with me.
It was mostly fun!

WILDCARD - Death at a Funeral - $8 million

This will fall off fast.
Soon, we will forget it all.
The fate of remakes!

Okay, that's it! I'm beat!

Friday Blitz 5: Spider-woman is less sad than the new Spider-Man

I know, I can't believe it either...WE'RE STILL IN THE FRIDAY BLITZ!!!

MTV UK is following up the news that we told you yesterday about how Marvel is making a bunch of smaller films based on lesser characters with news that Vanessa Hudgens is in talks to play the lead in Spider-Woman. This is Vaness Hudgens:
If you squint, she sort of looks like the more talented and prettier Mila Kunis. Look, I don't know that much about Hudgens. All I know is that she was in High School Musical, that she's Zac Effron's "girlfriend" (the quotation marks are because the chances of Effron being gay increases almost daily), and she took some nudie photos of herself, likely so that people would be able to say "oh, I've heard of Vanessa Hudgens." I don't have some intense affection for the character of Spider-Woman, who was mostly lame until Brian Michael Bendis reinvented the character in the comics a few years ago. What I do know is that the way she's drawn...
...half the budget will go to padding. This could all be hooey, who knows. But if it isn't, it's a sign that Marvel is not going to be content to rest on their Avengers, but are interested in moving on other projects quicker than you can say "Vanessa who?"

Friday Blitz 4: Pixar party in 2012!!!

Start scrambling, the Friday Blitz continues!!!

Pixar, the best studio in history (yeah, I said it), is doubling up in 2012, proving that even if the Mayans are right, I'm going to die happy. First up in the summer will be The Brave, which is Pixar's first fairy tale (just typing that gave me chills). The provided plot of that film, which was once titled The Bear and the Bow, is as follows: “impetuous, tangle-haired Merida (Reese Witherspoon), though a daughter of royalty, would prefer to make her mark as a great archer. A clash of wills with her mother compels Merida to make a reckless choice, which unleashes unintended peril on her father’s kingdom and her mother’s life. Merida struggles with the unpredictable forces of nature, magic and a dark, ancient curse to set things right. Director Brenda Chapman and the storytelling wizards of Pixar conjure humor, fantasy and excitement in this rich Highland tale.” You hear that? A female lead who isn't a captured princess but a warrior? A female director? A PIXAR FAIRY TALE?!?!?! I love it. If that wasn't enough, and it was for me, Monsters Inc 2 will finally hit in November of 2012, 11 years after the original debuted. I always thought that particular world had much, much more to explore. Plus, it gives me hope that The Incredibles 2 may happen one day (ohpleaseohpleaseohplease). So, even if the year ends with us being swallowed up by the sun's neutrinos (oh, 2012, you were so stupid), I'm going to be okay with it so long as the apocalypse waits until December.

Friday Blitz 3: Re-escape from New York?

Bite down on something, it's the third part of the Friday Blitz!

HeatVision says that Breck Eisner, who would have been dragged out into the desert never to be heard from again after Sahara were his last name not "Eisner," is finally getting to that remake of Escape from New York everyone wanted. Oh, what's that? Nobody out there wanted that? Not a single person? Hmm, that's interesting. Well, John Carpenter is going to roll over in his grave when he...what's that? John Carpenter is still ALIVE? Man, he was ancient a decade ago! Plus, I thought for sure that he'd offed himself after the Ice Cube and Courtney Love sci-fi movie he made. I mean, the only thing that would be worse than an Ice Cube and Courtney Love sci-fi movie would be A REMAKE OF ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK. There is literally zero chance that they get this right. They'll cast some heartthrob schmo in the lead (I'm thinking they'll offer it to Gerard Butler, but he'll back out and they'll get one of the Twilight boys or Channing Tatum), and they'll try to make it an intentional B-movie and it will just suck. Enjoy memories of movies from your youth, folks, they'll all be dead soon.

Friday Blitz 2: Horny for Hornet? You'll have to wait.

Brace yourselves, it's Friday Blitz part deux:

The path of The Green Hornet to the big screen is complicated and awful enough to make you wonder what level of dedication you have to have to overcome years of obstacles just to bring a mediocre 60s television show about a dude who wears a lame mask and his racially troubling relationship with his manservant who knows kung fu. Me? I'd have given up after the first three projects fell apart. Now comes word that the latest installment, which has gotten to the point where they're filming and such (with Seth Rogen and director Michel freakin' Gondry), is going to be delayed further from its original delay. It was supposed to be a summer movie, then it was a winter movie, now it's a 2011 movie, with the film bumping to MLK Jr Day 2011 in order to, you guessed it, convert the thing to 3D. Now, as much as I don't mind the thought of watching Gondry blow my everlovin' mind in three dimensions, converting a film not shot in 3D looks like shit and the fad has officially gone from "overblown" to "Twilight-level." Like deep-fat-fried anything, 3D is good in moderation, not as all 3 meals for the day. I'm intrigued by The Green Hornet (solely on the Gondry basis), but this turns me off a great deal.

Friday Blitz 1: Kristen Stewart is Wanted?

This week hasn't been an all-you-can-eat buffet of movie news. Nope, it's been a prisoner's meal of gruel and water...and ain't nobody like no gruel. Then, suddenly, the dam breaks and we get news breaks like DAAAAMN. So, I'm going to stop making with all the jibber-jabber and start making with a series of quick pieces of really interesting news. Plus, given that the NFL Draft started yesterday (not that my team, The Chicago Bears, would know that...they had no first round picks) and continues into today, the football metaphor seemed right.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give unto you: The Friday Blitz.

First up, I've soften my Kristen Stewart position recently from "Uh, uh" to "why not" based both on her flippant attitude towards her own franchise and her willingness to do this photo shoot.
So, when E! Online reported that Kristen Stewart is up for the female lead in Wanted 2, I was surprisingly okay with it. First, she's cute. Second, if she wants to try action, now's the time. Third, I could sooooo care less about the integrity of the Wanted series that if they want to cast a talking monkey and Pia Zadora, I'd be able to enjoy it. A quick word of apology to Mark Millar. I thought for sure you were just talking out of your sideways smile about this sequel still being possible after Angelina Jolie departed. Turns out, this time you were talking out of your sideways smile and happened to be right. Mea culpa.

Ryan's Junk Drawer

Congratulations! If you're reading this, you have made it to Thursday. Bravo on surviving a full week since last we met to discuss my junk (and by junk, I mean movie news that's not big enough to warrant a full blog post). I've had an insanely productive week, which means I shall reward myself at the first opportunity with meat and beer. Perhaps as early as right now. Thanks to the magic of the internets, you'll never know. As is our special tradition, before I dive headfirst into thoroughly flaunting my massive junk (again, movie news, people), we take a peek at the image above from Highlights Magazine (FOR CHILDREN), which is supposedly of an average junk drawer but is obviously the creepiest thing this side of "Charlotte's Web." Each week, we select an item from the illustration above and make up a wacky backstory for it, because it entertains me (and potentially nobody else). Today's item is the green and red pile in the lower right corner. When Claudette didn't receive the Barbie Hot Pink Fun N' Ride Ultra-Wheelie Mega Cycle for Christmas, she didn't get mad. Using the same evil genius that prevented Santa from delivering the gift in the first place, Claudette simply waited 364 days until the following Christmas Eve. Silently, ever so silently, she stealthily positioned herself just outside the chimney of goody-too-shoes Becky Butterbean's house. When she saw her chance, she sprang into motion. She was only able to catch an elf. But he would do...he would do. The terror inflicted upon that little red and green fella...is a tale best left for another day.

Okay, enough with the fun preamble, let's get to this week's peek at my junk!

1.) Because, by God, why not have a Power Pack movie? - It may sound like I'm about to disparage smaller comic book properties in the following paragraph. I am. But it's with love and a surprising amount of hope. Chud dropped the info that Marvel is going to be making movies based on some little-known characters (I mean, of course, little known to "regular" people...those who think a Ka-Zar is Obama's new appointee to watch over all things involving the letter K). These flicks are going to carry smaller budgets (we live in a world where $20-40 million is now a "small budget") and will feature folks like Dr. Strange, Luke Cage, Dazzler, and Power Pack. Now, I know what you're thinking: "Ryan, did you just f**king say Dazzler?" You bet your sweet disco-ball underoos I did. Dazzler, a superhero who was created in the heyday of disco and who can turn music to light or some such crap, is a perfect example of the the type of comic that should be made into a movie. Why? Because nobody cares about Dazzler. Basically, other than a few uber-dorks, what this move allows is for people to make aggressive, unique takes on characters with some measure of promise without the intense worry of studio suits because the budget is reasonable. Personally, I find this exciting. Then again, I own the first appearance of Power Pack. Suck on that.

2.) Robert Downey Jr is magic - Steve King from CD105.9, who is the incredibly kind and funny guy whose radio show I appear on every Friday morning at about 7:35 (you can also listen online), asked me today (I did the show early this week) about the Wizard of Oz shenanigans going on in Hollywood. They want to do something Oz-related really bad in Tinseltown, even if that means urinating on a piece of our collective cultural history so beloved that anyone who doesn't like The Wizard of Oz is either legally stoned to death by age 8 or forced to move to Canada. Personally, so long as they don't remake the movie, I don't mind them playing with the world of Oz...well, I don't mind as much. See, the LA Times mentions that the new project may involve Sam Mendes. You'll remember Sam as the guy who directed American Beauty. He's also the guy who just got divorced from this:
So, yeah, he makes bad decisions. Either Sammy the stupid or Adam Shankman, who directed the exceptionally forgettable Bedtime Stories, will likely direct Oz the Great and Powerful, with Robert Downey Jr starring as the Wizard of Oz. The script is written by the guy who wrote The Whole 9 Yards, so clearly there's no reason to be alarmed. As much as I love Downey, this can't be a good idea, right? When I said they could play in that world, I meant they could follow the misadventures of some minor character, not make a prequel to the classic film. Folks, somewhere over the rainbow, things sure suck.

3.) Spock no more - After a long, storied career, Leonard Nimoy is calling it quits. Likely because he's unable to physically beat away the groupies at his age, the man who made Spock the nerd touchstone that he is has decided to spend his remaining years out of the spotlight. He's said something similar before, but this seems to be the real deal. I would say too bad, but I feel like he's doing the right thing. Hell, at least he had the decency to go out on a good note, relaunching Star Trek. Not like Gene Hackman (Welcome to Mooseport) or Sean Connery (League of Extraordinary Gentlemen). Those dudes should come out of retirement and do one movie together just to clean the poop flavor from their mouths. How do you retire on those films? Anyway, you done good Leo. You done good.

4.) Batman 3 may not be in 3D...but it probably will - First up, we have news that the real Batman 3 news will actually come in July...or May...or June. The idea being, the timetable is set up as such that if development mirrored The Dark Knight, we'd get an announcement at July's San Diego Comic Convention about the title and a major piece of casting, along with a release date. Maybe that happens before the Con, maybe it happens after. What you'll find about the third Christopher Nolan Bat film is that nobody knows anything and that doesn't stop people from talking about it. Aint it Cool News actually got some important news, in that they got the cinematographer who worked with Nolan on the last 2 flicks to say that neither he nor Nolan wants to do Batman 3 in 3D. Woo hoo! So, what will probably happen is, they'll do the film in 3D. Look, the studio isn't going to throw away literally tens of millions of dollars. They will force Nolan to do 3D unless he's willing to walk over it, which I doubt he is. The only possibility is that he convinces them that they can get the same sort of bump by just doing IMAX screenings, because he loves that format. I agree with him. The scenes in IMAX from The Dark Knight were the film's best. So there you have it: it may or may not be in 3D and it may or may not be officially announced some time in the near future. Ah, the nonsense of Bat-news.

5.) Trailers, Parked - This week brings us ladies who are killers, a lady who is killer hot, and Robert Duvall. I'll take all three please.

First up is John Woo's Reign of Assassins. Yes, it looks like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, but I loved that movie, so I don't care. It's been awhile since I've seen a flick like this on the big screen, so I'm ready for it. See for yourself.


Next up is Easy A. This isn't really a telling trailer, but shows off (A) how adorable Emma Stone is, (B) how charismatic she is, and (C) how poised she is to be huge. The film is actually about a high-school girl who tells a lie about how she lost her virginity and finds herself in a situation that she feels mirrors Hestor Prynne's in The Scarlett Letter. I, for one, am actually quite excited about this. Given the good casting and clever idea, this could be the next Mean Girls.


Finally, we have the killer trailer for Get Low, which looks like what would happen if you mixed a non-washed up Tim Burton movie with the Coen brothers. You had me at Bill Murray and Robert Duvall, but the trailer actually goes beyond that. This is surprisingly rising fast on my must see list.


Okay, sinners, that's it for now. Thanks for peeking at my junk, and see you tomorrow for a fun-filled Friday!

Talk to the Flocke: Reactions to the "Lost" episode "The Last Recruit"

What an odd, odd episode. While it was unspooling in front of me, I liked it. I liked it a lot. Then some moments started to sink in. I started discussing them with my brain trust. Then, suddenly, I didn't like some of this episode. Basically, the parts that worked, worked well; the parts that didn't...boy did they piss me off.

Because it doesn't fit directly into my preset categories, let's take a minute to discuss the storytelling choices that are being made.

Do not fool yourselves into thinking that making this show is an easy job. I am about to embark on my first endeavor to plot a single script, and I'm fairly intimidated (okay, reaaaaallly intimidated). I cannot imagine juggling a billion characters, pacing out a concept based on the scheduling whims of a network, and trying to resolve tons of mysteries that you likely only created because you had to keep going. I get it. It's hard. The creators and writers of this show, along with the directors, have done nothing more than create the single most brilliant television program I've ever seen. I have tons of respect and admiration for every artist involved.

That said...

The pace is a joke right now. With only 5 hours of the show left (3 new episodes and a 2-hour finale), you have another "moving pieces into place" episode?!?!?! The argument from some of the creators that "some of the mysteries are intentionally going to be left for the audience to consider" is total horseshit. We all know that, right? They either don't have an answer for them or the answer would be so convoluted or unacceptable that they're bailing on that particular mystery. Instead, they're stalling by moving characters around. Don't tell me we needed another episode in the flash sideways where characters slowly met one another. You could have EASILY had all of the characters at the hospital at one time and used this "watch people slowly move into position" time to explain some of the little questions that would make your audience happy. I get that the creators have earned the right to do whatever they want. By and large, I've loved what they've done with the place. Still, this is our show, too. To see time being wasted on Claire meeting Jack in the sideways (or on Claire in general), on Kate and Sawyer feeling each other out again, on Sayid going home to tell Nadia he's leaving AGAIN...it's horseshit. On the island, it's the same story. You bring everyone together to split them apart again? You couldn't have conceived of a way to get Jack to go to Locke's camp without having to bring everyone together and then split everyone apart again? It's not good use of time no matter how you cut it, and for the creators to callously say that it is really irks me. Just admit that it's hard to accomplish things and leave it at that.

Once again, it's a testimony to my love of this show that I care deeply enough to probe every issue with the attention aliens pay to rural citizens' anuses. I'm not giving up on it. I am, in fact, going to deal with the choices made to leave some mysteries alone. I am so excited at the prospect of the final episodes that I'm crestfallen next week isn't a new episode. I just wish they'd have figured out how to better use their time.

Anyway, enough of that. Let's get to the meat and potatoes. Here are my reactions to the "Lost" episode "The Last Recruit."

Things I liked

• Hail the conquering hero - Jack is clearly on the last leg of his heroic evolution. Having gone from flawed "I WILL FIX YOU" man to desperate "WE HAVE TO GO BACK" weirdo beardo to this calm, resolved figure who goes so far as to ASK HURLEY if it's okay if he talks to Locke, Jack is proving himself to be different. When he jumped off the boat, I wasn't surprised. The hero must tend to the last quest solo. Them's the breaks. For everyone who has tried to focus more on the minor characters, remember that Jack is the center of the show and always has been.
• Boom goes the airstrikes - It's nice to see a ramping up of action. Seeing as how we've been dealing with ghosts and monsters for so long, we have to feel some threat of physical danger if we're going to have a suspenseful ending. Already that's going to be tough because we don't know what world is "real" and whether or not these characters can really "die," but having explosions and guns everywhere is a nice way to prompt us to consider the potential for death and destruction.
• Flocke vs Jack - We'll get to how much I hated what was said between the two in a minute, but the dynamic between these actors is fire. Seriously, the eyes they give one another, the crackle in their voices...the little things like the way Jack refused to sit across or even stand near Flocke, he just crouched with his rifle in his hand...just awesome. We're seeing the good guy versus the bad guy, and it's sweet as hell that they meet over and over again.
• It's him - It's been awhile (as in about 3-4 episodes) since someone said something that chilled my spine. When Sun rolled over and saw Locke and yelled "it's him," I peed a little. I think we'll get some stalled cop-out answer where she knows him from someplace in the sideways world, but I hope not. I hope we flat out get the crossover through John Locke. Does anybody else get the feeling like with as much as Flocke was mocking John Locke's role and faith that we're going to see him proved right? That every time he called him a "sucker" or "stupid" it only increased the chances that somehow Locke still has a heroic role to play in all of this?
  

Things I didn't like

• Ladies and gentlemen, the worst line of dialogue in "Lost" history - "Looks like someone got her voice back." Way to shit on a moment that has taken more than 2 years to come. Seriously, it's been more than 2 years since we've waited for Sun and Jin to FINALLY reunite. They travel across time, battle death and demons, and never give up hope of finding their love...and we get 2 seconds of them hugging, a throwaway line about how they'll never be apart again (IN ENGLISH mind you), and we get slapped in the face with the wet piece of crap line of dialogue like "Looks like someone got her voice back." And THAT was the reason she lost her voice? From a writing standpoint, THAT was the idea?! Wow. Epic. Epic. Epic. Fail.
• Nobody killed Claire - It was right there. She had them at gunpoint! She was threatening them! Finally, we had a moment when she could have been offed legitimately, thus achieving my greatest "Lost" dream! WHY DID NO ONE SHOOT HER?!?!!
• Desmond's in the well...still - He's not dead. Nobody think he's dead. You don't kill off a fan favorite character who you built up as a huge player in the climax of the season to kill him offscreen. He's alive. I'll go a step further. He's alive and out of the well. Sayid didn't just not kill him, I think he freed him. Were it not for the great acting of both men in that scene, I would have started laughing. Why is Sayid the killing machine even listening to Desmond? He has no feelings anymore! Laughable really.
• Christian is the MiB? Say what now? - Nope. I don't buy it. I refuse to accept this. It's not just because I've wanted so badly for the character of Christian to mean something. It's not because I personally have had a stake in how this goes. It's that it doesn't work. Why would the Man in Black have posed as Christian and said and done the things he said and did? Why tell Locke "say hi to my son for me?" Why tell Michael "you can go now?" Here are the big questions: How can this be possible when we know that the MiB can't leave the island and yet HE APPEARED ON THE FREIGHTER? How can this be possible if we were told that the MiB was "trapped in Locke's body" yet at the same time the MiB was walking around as Flocke, Christian showed up to talk to Lapidus and Sun? I could go on and on and on. There are two choices and two choices only: (1) Flocke is lying or (2) the writers biffed this one up. I pray for 1.

Answers

• Christian = MiB - See above.

That's it. That's all we got. Nobody said or did anything revealing beyond that.

Reflections

• Hope springs eternal - I do like the Jack storyline. Him going from "The Last Recruit" in this episode to "The Candidate" in the next is promising. I have faith that we're going to at least have a satisfying conclusion to things like "who is the next Jacob," "what are the rules," "who is that boy on the island," and "what's the point of all this." It's just that those are mostly THIS season's questions. It's like everything that got brought up in seasons 2-5 don't matter. Season 1 and season 6 have all the meat. It proves that they really only had 2 seasons thought out, as they've kind of hinted at from the beginning. Still, I've had such a great time that if they make THOSE answers satisfying, I probably will accept it.
• Jacob come back - Where'd he go? We should see more of him soon, I hope.
• Sayid's return - I thought we lost him, but I think he's going to do what I thought Sawyer was going to do. I think Sayid will die in some redemptive fashion, shocking the MiB and proving Jacob right: men can be good.

Overall, I'd give this episode another B. It had a B+ until I thought about the Christian stuff more. Man does that piss me off. With no new episode next week, I'll probably only spend one day really writing about "Lost." That's okay. My hands hurt from all the typing.

Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 28)

Another week, another void on my shelf that I've cleared to put things that people have bought me or sent to me for free. I have received Zippo (not Zeppo, who is dead). I'm just saying that if you send an email to film@thereader.com, I'll give you an address at which I can be reached to receive glorious merchandise. How is this not a win/win scenario? You send me stuff, I accept it. It's a beautiful relationship. Once more, I have to praise both ThinkGeek and NerdApproved, both of whom do this little song and dance better than I do...mainly because that's how they make a living. I say this without ever having been bribed by either site, which may be why they aren't inclined to bribe me.

Anyhoodle, here are the three things I want most this week:

1.) I don't have a child...but I do know some - And they would look awesome sucking on this:
No lie, this is the coolest pacifier I've ever seen...and I've seen some cool pacifiers. ThinkGeek realizes that you want your kids looking horrifying and have created just the thing to make them that way. Beyond suggesting that the vampire craze is now officially entering into ridiculous territory, this will be a great way to stop kids from using their pacifiers. When you want to wean them off of it, all you have to do is hold them up to a mirror. It's brilliant. It terrifies adults AND children. That's a win/win.

2.) FINALLY! My sleep habits are no longer freakish! - I sleep like I'm in the middle of asking a question a lot. Finally, NerdApproved has located the item I most need to sleep well.
Genius. Pure genius. Why it has taken centuries to create a pillow of this magnificence, I'll never understand. I can't imagine that this took some kind of advanced pillow technology. It simply took someone saying "hey, what if we cut a hole in it?" What if we cut a hole in it INDEED?! This brilliant doodad costs like $100. That's a lot. Thankfully, I'm worth it. Plus, if someone would just send it to me, it would cost me $0. That's cheaper.

3.) It's a tie - Sometimes, you can't choose between two amusingly cute T-shirts. Both of these make me smile. Both are from Threadless. The first is called Cowboys vs Indians.
The second is called "You've got some 'splaining to do."
The first one is better looking, the second one is funnier. Either way, you win.

Attack of the sequels

Today brings us three sequel news items, two of which involve third sequels. Everybody loves sequels, right? Who doesn't have fond memories of sitting around with the family to watch Big Momma's House 2 or Critters 4? Why, it seems like just yesterday that Scary Movie 4 was playing whilst Granny and Grandpa shared some of their last memories together. Any sequel is a good sequel, right? Especially when they feature Big Willie (and for once I'm not using Big Willie to refer to Nic Cage's hairpiece).

Here's the sequeltastic info:

1.) Men in Black III - Director Barry Sonnenfeld, who redeemed himself with the beautiful "Pushing Daisies," swears to whatever golden calf Hollywood directors pray to that both Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith are back for MIBIII. Thank God. I mean, without Tommy Lee Jones, this thing would have zero chance at the box office. Am I right? No word on plot or an official timetable, but you can sleep a little easier knowing that Smith will be back punching aliens and saying one liners. As I've mentioned before, there is a way to do this film that would be good. They just won't choose that route. Instead, they'll probably hire the guy who wrote Night at the Museum 2...another incredibly important sequel.

2.) Bad Boys III - Martin Lawrence is claiming that the Fresh Prince shall returneth to Bad Boys. This is obviously a little more difficult to swallow, as Martin Lawrence is both totally crazy and mostly washed up. Far from the heyday in which he was in demand by himself, Lawrence is now only as popular as the ensemble he hitches his star to. Remember Wild Hogs? EHHHHHHH!! Trick question! If you answered yes to that, go kill yourself. Nobody should see Wild Hogs, and those that do should bleach their brains of it. If you remember Wild Hogs, you're only going to do something that we'll all regret. Anyway, there's no timetable on this one either, and it comes from crazypants. I just thought I'd mention it.

3.) Avatar 2 - I could care less if we ever "return to Pandora" as the incessant commercials for the release of Avatar's DVD suggest. Once was enough, thanks. Now comes word that James Cameron has revealed where most of the next movie would take place (provided he doesn't lose focus and take another 12 years to make a movie): the oceans of Pandora. Combining Cameron's love of aliens and water, a crossover he mined well with The Abyss, we're going to descend into the totally unique oceans on Pandora to...do something. Who cares! We'll figure out the reason and plot later. Just know that "oooooh, pretty fishie things" are coming!!! Whatever.