Weekly Roundup

So what did we learn this week?

• We learned that I still love Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
• We learned that the new Short Circuit remake will suck.
• We learned that Amy Adams is going to make America happy.
• We learned that you still won't buy me ANYTHING.
• We learned that there are 25 ideas better than the new Adam Sandler movie.
  

That's a lot of knowledge for one week. I'm-a educator. Be safe on Halloween. People do stupid shit when they're costumed and drunk, so seriously watch yourself and see you on Monday.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

You want to know what people on movie blogs do when there isn't a lot of action going on? I have read 20 different versions of "Hugh Jackman can't host the Oscars, so who should?" I think Jackman did a fine job, but really the answer starts and ends as Ricky Gervais, who was already picked up by the Golden Globes. Beyond that, I could give a rat's dingus. Seriously, they're going to find some bland choice that is in no way dangerous or exciting. So, my suggestion is to get somebody surprising (like George Clooney) or go with what you know and bring back Jon Stewart, who did a way better job than people remember. Oh, also, I don't care. I watch to see what wins, so sue me. Anyway, moving on to this weekend's box office...who gives a shit. Really, the creepy Michael Jackson non-movie movie is going to win and everything else is bad or old. So, there you go. Still, a promise is a promise, and I promised to do this every week. Here goes nothing.

Here's how I see it (haiku style):

1.) This Is It - $29.5 million

Not sure what This is
No more Michael Jackson news?
I hope This is It!

2.) Paranormal Activity - $15 million

This had a nice run
It should end on Halloween.
There's no shame in that.

3.) Law Abiding Citizen - $9 million

I can't believe this.
This is making great money.
DAMN YOU, JAIME FOXXXXXXXX

4.) Where the Wild Things Are - $7 million

No $100 mil
But you can't call it a flop.
Not bad for good art.

5.) Saw VI - $6 million

Could Saw be over?
I really hope that's the case.
Which means it won't be.

WILDCARD - Couples Retreat - $6 million

Kristen Bell is hot.
I just wanted to say that
while I was able.

Anthony Hopkins hams his way to Godhood

There are two kinds of Anthony Hopkins roles: creepy restrained (that eventually spills over into crazy over-the-top hamminess) and over-the-top hamminess. Having lowered himself in recent years to doing whatever he's asked to do (don't get me wrong, I want to see Wolfman but...SIR Anthony Hopkins is starring in Wolfman?), Hopkins has now landed the most coveted of all paycheck movies: the superhero movie. Don't worry, Hopkins isn't Tobey Maguire's Spider-man replacement (although, the thought of that just made me giggle and titter...I gittered). Instead, Variety is reporting that Sir Hams-a-Lot will be playing Odin, Thor's papa in the upcoming Marvel comics movie. That's cool, really, as Hopkins looks the part and will have no problem spouting off the odd and inexplicable Shakespearean accent that the Norse Gods are given in the comic books. Plus, Hopkins is now tied to the best use of a body part in an exclamatory phrase. Let me explain: When Thor gets frightened or angry, he swears "By Odin's BEARD!" This is kind of hilarious to me. It'd be like if I got frightened or angry and declared "By Roy Syrek's NOSTRILS!" It's just random and hilarious. So, there you go Anthony. You may not have sniffed Oscar's odor in a decade or so, but you'll be forever associated with a strange hat-wearing blonde Norwegian yelling about your facial hair. Huzzah!

Mad Max beyond Gibsondome

THR has put the nail in Mel Gibson's tenure as Mad Max's Max Rokatansky, the most leather-wearin', Thunderdome-rockin', post-apocalyptic NASCAR driver of all time. The trade mag reports that Thomas Hardy will take the lead from the sugar-tits-tosser. I'm also told that the Thomas Hardy referred to here is this man (shown all ripped for his role in Bronson):

It is apparently that large breasted gentleman and NOT the late 19th century/early 20th century British poet and novelist who wrote "Tess of the D'Urbervilles," which is kind of a bummer. Also, Charlize Theron IS reportedly in talks for a role in the film, she's shown here stalking me:

Okay fine, she's not stalking me, let's assume she heard that there will be a lot of car chases in the new Mad Max and wants to know what a car looks like from crouching behind it? I don't know what's happening here, but she looks like she just got caught doin' her lady business behind a Prius, doesn't it? Anyway, it sounds like the new Mad Max movie isn't a remake or a reboot, it's a straight-up continuation of the story, which is fine because I believe the story of Mad Max thus far is "post-apocalypse, people drive and fight." Should be able to pick right up. OH, I know, Theron is changing back into a tiger because the sun is setting? Sorry, that picture is going to keep bothering me.

I am no longer morally opposed to Men in Black III

To me, the Men in Black movies are like dry humping. Sure it feels "good" but nowhere near as good as it could feel. Seriously, you have a premise like an intergalactic police squad, you have Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith, and you toss out two tepid movies where the climax is virtually identical and the big plot device involves stopping one bad guy from getting one item? Blah and bland and blerg. Oh, and all of the jokes fall under the Will Smith one-liner category. I grant you that the films are mostly harmless...except for this:

But at the same time, oh how funny they could be if someone took advantage of the full scope of effects, story potential, and acting talent. Well, it looks like we may get to "take this to the next level," as everyone on the Internet seems to be reporting that Etan Cohen (who is sort of like a Coen brother who moved the H from his first name to his last) is going to be writing the third installment of the franchise. Cohen wrote Tropic Thunder, which made me laugh very hard (and not just at the actors but because of the concepts and plot devices, which is really refreshing. I'm not saying that this moves the impending MIB:III from "if I have to" to "boy howdy" but it does make me slightly interested, which is a good start.

Ryan's Junk Drawer

It's one of those slow, lazy kind of days. The kind where I am, at best, going to give you a peek inside my junk drawer and then call it a day. Oh, don't act all sad like you want more than that, this blog is verbose, and I prattle on for way too long each time out anyway. You probably just skim through it, so you can make do with this one-stop buffet of tasty film nuggets until tomorrow...mmmm, tomorrow. Do you think if the days of the week were people that they would all hate Friday, who would obviously be the most attractive one? You think Thursday would be all "Friday has herpes, I heard it from Tuesday." Meanwhile, Monday is constantly attempting suicide, only to find that the universe won't allow the sweet release of death...this is what I think of when I'm tired.

Here's what's in my junk drawer this week:

1.) Because nobody can get enough Bruce Campbell - Slashfilm.com alerted me (okay, and other people as well) to the fact that Evil Dead is being re-released in theaters as a midnight feature. This is not that big of a deal to people who live in Omaha (we're that cool), as The Dundee Theatre has shown Evil Dead 2 as a midnight feature several times (including, you know, Tomorrow and Saturday). Still, what it represents is a potential move by certain production companies to attempt to get "classic" cult films back into movie houses. This is a great idea...so look for it to be abandoned soon. I remember that years and years ago (before Dundee was doing it), a local theater brought Raiders of the Lost Ark back to the big screen. I had never seen it that way, and so my Dad and I went. It was probably one of my top 5 movie-going experiences. Anyway, I'm rambling (go figure), but look for this:

To be coming back near you sometime soon. Rad.

2.) This is why I'm mad at someone you know - Unless one guy has built a house out of copies of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, there's a lot of sick bastards in this world, as Variety is reporting that the mongoloid-made movie for morons sold something like 109 billion copies of the DVD. Okay, that's a little high, but it really was like 7.5 million, which is about 7.5 million too many. I'm not talking rentals, I'm talking PURCHASES. As in, someone SAW the movie already and WANTS to see it again. Yeah, I know, sick isn' t it? The answer is probably that it is as close as 7.5 million fanboys are going to come to having Megan Fox in their home, but still. When Transformers 3: In Your Face, Bitches rips a hole in the space-time continuum, this is on you 7.5 million jerks who bought the DVD. The only way I'm in for the next movie is if this is the new Transformer:



3.) You best watch yoself Iraq, Bourne's comin' - The trailer for The Green Zone hit like a sack of bricks to my naughty bits. Holy crap does this look good. I mean, what do you expect from the director of the best Bourne movies and Mr. Bourne himself, but seriously...wowza. Prediction: Because it directly takes on that whole "whoopsie, what WMDs" thing, it's going to piss off die-hard, extremist conservatives (not the regular folks, the ones who swear there are still WMDs in Iraq, we just need to find 'em). These are typically the folks who love them some action movies where things go boom and bad guys get face-shot. I'd like to do my impression of one of these people watching this trailer. "Hey lookie there, that Jimmy Bourne guy is doin' some more fightin'. Hey there, lookit him punchin' those guys in the face. You deserve that face punch terrorist! Hey, why's he yellin' at that white guy? That don't seem right. OH YEAH EXPLOSION! Hey wait, why is the bad guy sound American? That ain't patriotic. HELL YEAH, EXPLOSION!" This is going to cause some serious confusion. Still, the trailer's bad ass.



4.) Just so long as nobody invites Sting, we're cool - The Interwebs reported, and then Chud.com (who I trust) confirmed that director Peter Berg is off of Dune. I really don't care about that part, so much as I care that the current rumors (that are likely crap) have offers out to Neils. That's right, I'm talking about two Neils: Neil Marshall and Neil Blomkamp. Chances are that even though the latter would just straight-up MURDER this adaptation, making me want to see it so bad that I could barely stand it (an accomplishment, since my current anticipation for the project mirrors my excitement to eat oatmeal), it's not going to be Blomkamp. Chances are that it's going to be Marshall if it is either of them. This is also okay to me, because I loved Doomsday. I caught it on HBO recently and I loved it even more. Oh, it's terrible, but in such a great way. I don't know how this B-movie sensibility would translate into a serious franchise, but it's at least intriguing to me. The important thing is, until they bring in some boring-ass guy I've never heard of, I'm somewhat interested in Dune. This feeling is fleeting, I'm sure of it.

5.) What did you think you'd get if you crossed Kanye and Spike Jonze? - Spike Jonze directed a short film starring Kanye West inspired by Kanye's song "See You in my Nightmares." It's called We Were Once a Fairytale and it's totally f**ked up. At first it's just a cool riff on Kanye's somewhat annoying personality, but then it turns into...well, just watch it. It's been out there in bootleg form for awhile, but it's now now officially online on iTunes, so spend the 2 bucks or whatever and watch it legally (or find it illegally but I won't help you). I personally love it, but go figure I love both of the artists involved. I think Kanye is one of the most intriguing artists of the new century, and I mean that sincerely. His whole personality is this bizarre show, and he is so obviously tormented by that, a point emphasized by the totally batshit insane ending of the short film, which just proves to me that Spike Jonze needs to be making more movies. If you watch it, hit me up (preferably here so everyone can see it) and let me know what you think. You've been warned...totally batshit crazy...like it makes bats that are batshit crazy more batshit crazy. But I loved it.

Things you should buy me (Volume 7)

So, if you're keeping track at home...which you should be but aren't...no one has still bought (or given) me any of this, this, this, this, this, or this. Why do I keep trying? Because I'm an eternal optimist with a heart two sizes too big. I keep believin' that someone is going to give, buy, or steal me something from one of this increasingly growing list of awesome. You watch, it'll happen (or not).

Here's the cool shit I need but don't have for this week:

1.) Zombie love is always in season - Hats off once more to Slashfilm for pointing out this T-shirt from Threadless.

Seriously, this is like the greatest shirt ever. Even if you aren't into zombies (and if that's the case, what are you doing reading this blog), you have to admit that this is the balls. Supposedly, if you look closely, there's a few notable zombies thrown in there. If it turns out there's a Rush Limbaugh zombie, I'm totally buying this and not waiting for one of you to do the right thing and buy it for me or give it to me.

2.) Product of the millennium - Thinkgeek.com is just about the coolest place on the whole Interwebs. Seriously, folks, their stuff is pretty much universally bad-ass. And you can trust me, because they haven't given me anything either. They have, however, invented the product that will change my life forever.


That's caffeine-infused beef jerky. Yes, you read that right. That is caffeinated meat. Oh. My. God. You can keep your energy drinks and cups of java, I'm going to eat rejuvenating meat bites. I'm going to gnaw my way to waking up. "Hey, honey, do you want a cup of coffee or would you like some hunks of dead cow?" Seriously, this is going to change everything I ever knew to be true. I need a case of this.

3.) The Force is strong with this Moo Goo Gai Pan - Ever sit there eating some delicious Chinese food and think, "how can I both enjoy this braised pork AND convince the world I'm the coolest Jedi alive?" Think no more, as Geek Stuff 4 U has delivered lightsaber chopsticks.
I mean, seriously, how is this not in every home in America? God bless capitalism and the blanket of security we're provided so that we may come up with awesome shit like this.

Adam Sandler prompts another list

I'll cut right to it, according to Variety, Adam "Son of a bitch" Sandler is going to star in the romantic comedy Jack and Jill as both Jack AND Jill. Oh, and it's going to be written by Steven "I hate things that are good" Koren, who wrote Evan Almighty and Click. If you made it through that description, congratulations! You can probably ride in one of those Blue Angels fighter planes without goin' all yakety sax. Me, I've lost my lunch and whatever tiny shred of respect I had for Adam "Total waste of human resources" Sandler. It's been awhile, but this warrants it.

25 Better Ideas Than Jack and Jill

1.) "Hey, boss, what about Assless Chaps Fridays?"
2.) "I'm just saying, if you scrape it off, it probably won't grow back."
3.) "Who's up for a 'Two and a Half Men' marathon?"
4.) "When you ask him out, mention that you no longer have a uterus."
5.) "I'm about 87% sure I can drive the rest of the way home backwards."
6.) "Hey, hold this while I light it on fire."
7.) "So you're saying you can pierce my actual testicle."
8.) "Damn the experts, I'm investing my money in Segways."
9.) "Eat this. Now, did it taste poisoned?"
10.) "I think this is the year the Cubs win it all."
11.) "That bull is totally eyeballin' me. I'm going to punch its horn."
12.) "Who's up for a 'Ghost Whisperer' marathon?"
13.) "I'll just say I want kids now, and we'll work it out after the wedding."
14.) "I'm going to try Parkour! Here, hold my asthma inhaler."
15.) "I'm sure that if I just used logic, O'Reilly would totally back down."
16.) "Pee on it. Don't argue, just pee on it."
17.) "Just set those laptops down on my pile of magnets."
18.) "I don't know, I suppose a third person could really spice things up. Kelsey Grammar?!"
19.) "Who's up for a 'NCIS,' 'NCIS: LA,' 'CSI,' 'CSI: Miami,' 'CSI: New York' marathon?!"
20.) "I'm sure you'll make it. You can jump like 30 feet, right?"
21.) "I think I'll become Facebook friends with Grandma! This decision can never come back to haunt me!"
22.) "Yes, I'm okay to drive. Now, is this my key or am I holding a parrot?"
23.) "Hey Officer Fatty McFat Pants, betcha can't catch me."
24.) "Just go in there and tell those teenaged girls that Robert Pattenson ISN'T coming."
25.) "Girls love it when you ask them out using a fake talking body part."

Suddenly, I have boring neighbors

Don't get me wrong, my neighbors are totally cool, not complaining at all...but there's a project in the works called Town House that Variety tells me is going to be inhabited by Zach Galifianakis and Amy Adams. Now, these are awesome neighbors:



The plot surrounds an agoraphobic who befriends a call girl and OHMYGODAMYADAMSISPLAYINGACALLGIRL. Ok, slow down, Ryan. Breath deep. There's at least tens of people who are going to read this and see you verbally spazzing (as if that were a new thing). I realize that this is a mainstream film, so we'll be getting the cleaned-up, wholesome, Pretty Woman style call girl who barely kisses anybody and isn't a reminder of the inherent tragedy that such demeaning professions still exist, but still...hominahomina! Galifianakis playing an agoraphobe isn't nearly as thrilling but does prove that he's about to start taking work away from Will Ferrell. Let's face it, pre-Land of the Lost and The Hangover, we're talking about this as a Ferrell project also featuring Adams. Sorry, Will

The gritty truth? I love it.

When I heard that the Coen Brothers were the ones remaking True Grit, I thought "Okay, I can get behind this." When I heard that they were considering Jeff Bridges for the eye-patched role embodied by John Wayne, I thought "now we're talking." When I heard from everyone and their mother this morning that Josh Brolin and Matt Damon are in talks to star as the other leads, I thought "did I dream about eating a tuna-flavored muffin with Ellen Degeneres or did I really eat a tuna-flavored muffin with Ellen Degeneres...oh, and that Josh Brolin/Matt Damon news kicks ass." There is literally not a better cast I could have thought of for this movie, and the chances are now high that we're talking about one of the few remakes that is going to be poised for serious Oscar lovin' (and I do not mean a flirty massage from a trash-can dwelling grouch). Also, I had nearly forgotten why I love Brolin so much, beyond his great performance in W, but then I remembered this:

Yeah, it's hard not to laugh your ass off while watching the two handcuffed guys discussing how one got tased and the other offers some kisseyface. That's just good stuff. So, there you have it, I can't wait for True Grit and I love Josh Brolin's kisseyface.

Movie Review: Amelia

Hey, I know that this isn't one that everybody was rushing out to see...but if you were stumbling out to see this...don't.

Landing Gere
Amelia examines the famous flyer via the men she loved
Ben Coffman

At a time when executing a publicity stunt is considered an accomplishment and fame-whoring is an occupation (for further reference, see the Heenes, the Kardashians, the Pratts, et al), watching a biopic about an intrepid, intelligent go-getter like Amelia Earhart is a nice change of pace. What’s not nice is when the aforementioned movie, Amelia, basically examines this famous woman’s life via her lovers…and when the movie kind of sucks.

When Amelia begins, it is 1928, 31 years after her birth. Earhart, played by Academy award winner Hillary Swank (Million Dollar Baby, The Next Karate Kid), is on the cusp of becoming a famous pilot. At that time, no woman had ever made a trans-Atlantic flight (and many men had lost their lives in the endeavor), so when the crop-haired, freckled-faced flyer from Kansas is approached by promoter/publisher George Putnam (Richard Gere) with an opportunity to make history, Earhart jumps at the chance.

What she didn’t realize, however, was that she wouldn’t actually be flying the plane on the first trans-Atlantic flight by a woman. Instead, she would be the crew’s captain. Despite this setback, the flight is successful, and afterwards, book deals and endorsements keep her busier than a Detroit real estate agent. As she adjusts to the limelight, Earhart also reluctantly settles into a relationship with Putnam, with him basically taking over her career while Earhart petulantly protests.

From here, Amelia’s narrative skips ahead, chronologically checking off each of Earhart’s flying accomplishments and her life’s high points (which usually involve men). Earhart eventually caves to marrying Putnam. A second trans-Atlantic flight, this one solo, further enhances Earhart’s fame. She has an affair. And a plane crash during her first attempt at traversing the globe endangers her dreams.

Although Amelia should be focused on its strong female protagonist, we see Earhart’s life filtered through the men that seemed to shape it. Director Mira Nair (Vanity Fair, Monsoon Wedding) and the film’s writers synthesized two Earhart biographies in creating the screenplay for Amelia. Strangely, except for a couple of brief flashbacks, Earhart’s entire childhood and early adulthood—the formative years of her life—are overlooked. According to Amelia, Earhart’s life didn’t even begin until she became romantically involved with men. Without this background, and despite Swank’s best acting efforts (which come off as quaint at best, annoying at worst), Earhart never really comes to life as a living, breathing person.

Most damning of all is the manufactured “danger” throughout the film. Despite aviation's experimental nature and Earhart’s real-life willingness to push boundaries, the movie has all the thrills of a hay ride, like an estrogen-infused The Right Stuff.

Swank looks much like Earhart, but her grinning impersonation of the flyer is long on tooth and short on real spunk. Even her affair with aviator Gene Vidal (woefully underplayed by Ewan McGregor) has all the sizzle and flash of a wet firecracker. Essentially, Amelia suffers from a flu-like malaise, with everything having been dialed down several notches too far. In short, the film doesn't live up to the legend it profiles.

Grade: D

Tweet-hype is Reit on

I have to admit something that makes me a leper among the leper colony that is comic book nerd-dom. I have never read any "Scott Pilgrim" stuff. I know, I know, I'm a lame-O. Still, I am excitedly anticipating the Edgar Wright-directed adaptation of the comic...the synopsis of which is easily gleaned from the poster below.

Yeah, so basically it's like a video game where Scott must fight his gal's ex-boyfriends. That sounds great, right? And Michael Cera is in the lead, seems pretty much tailor made for him. Then comes word via Jason Reitman's twitter feed, and I love me some Jason Reitman (you direct Thank You For Smoking and Juno and you get my love), that the sample that Wright showed his buddy (Reitman) was squeal-inducingly awesome. To say it exactly as he did:

"@edgarwright showed me 30min of Scott Pilgrim. While sworn to secrecy (so much, surprised blood wasn’t demanded) I will say this: It is a game changer for Edgar and the genre. It moves the speed of light and carries more unadulterated joy than Ive seen in recent cinema. It does what everyone our age has been dreaming about: achieves the first all encompassing film of the joystick generation. I’m in awe of the sheer control in the filmmaking. It feels like a Matrix for love and how willing we are to fight for it. If I had a movie coming out next year, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near it. Hats off my friend. Can’t get it out of my head."

Now that, ladies and gentlemen, that is some natural hype. This isn't some fan boy spouting off at the mouth, this is a seasoned, intelligent director who is clearly speaking from the heart. Good God I am hyped for this one now.

Johnny Five no longer wants to be alive

I don't know Steve Carr. He could be a great guy who spends his day caring for the sick and elderly while writing poetry so beautiful that it makes the infertile turn fertile and thinking of mathematical theorems that will solve sadness. I just know that he's the guy who directed Paul Blart: Mall Cop, Daddy Day Care, and Dr. Doolittle 2. So, based on the facts that I know, I feel comfortable hating Steve Carr. News broke from Variety today that Steve "bad touch" Carr is going to be ruining the remake of Short Circuit, a terrible movie I loved from back in the day. How bad do you have to be to RUIN a Steve Guttenberg movie? For those who have wisely used the space taken up by memories of Short Circuit to store more important things (like, say the name of the second song on Chumbawumba's "Tubthumping" album), it was about a robot that became sentient after it was struck by lightning. It looked pretty much like WALL-E, only WALL-E made me cry for good reasons. Seriously, look at a side-by-side of the two:


Pretty similar, huh? Anyhoodle, if you had a tiny modicum of a shred of a hope of a nugget of a dream that this was going to be a good project, that hope is deader than Steve Phillips's career.

Weekend Box Office Wrap Up: I suck...but less than Saw

If you're wondering, the limit on how many times you can milk the cash cow before it dies, the answer is 6. Saw took a big old face dump this weekend, spilling from it's usual $30 million opening to just under half that, likely because someone finally wisely challenged it with another horror movie. David (Paranormal Activity) slew Goliath (Saw)...only there were no larger religious implications and we're all going to go right on living our lives. Hopefully this means next year we get a little more variety in our October...but I'm guessing probably just Paranormal Activity 2 and Saw VII.

Here's the weekend's results, haiku style:

1.) Paranormal Activity - $22 million (Accuracy of prediction - 85%)

Made for 10 thousand.
This may make 100 mil.
...I'd say that's okay.

2.) Saw VI - $15 million (Accuracy of prediction - 64%)

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
Sorry, but this makes me smile.
Booooo makers of crap!

3.) Where the Wild Things Are - $14.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 95%)

It's not quite a hit
but it's in no way failing.
Not bad for good art.

4.) Law Abiding Citizen - $13 million (Accuracy of prediction - 84%)

It's just like Taken.
I should have seen this coming.
Damn you, Jamie Foxxxxxxxxx

5.) Couples Retreat - $11 million (Accuracy of prediction - 0%)

Vince Vaughan is the king...
of the mainstream comedy.
Sorry Will Ferrell.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 67%

What a sad effort.
The only thing worse than this?
The Chicago Bears.

That's it! Happy Monday!

Movie Review: The September Issue

This was one of those "tweener" movies for me. Too interesting to dismiss, too scattered to really recommend. I think that many will find it somewhat pleasant and interesting, and some will find it directionless and boring. I always feel crummy giving a documentary a mediocre mark, especially one playing at Film Streams...but if you figure they get something like 30-40 first run movies every year, not all of them can be home runs, right? Here's my review:

The Lion in Wintour
The vague “Vogue” vixen of The September Issue

The fashion industry is the comic book industry with more money and delusions of grandeur. Both have self-created niche markets complete with unspoken hierarchies and ridiculous costumes. Thus, depending on perspective, “Vogue” editor Anna Wintour is fashion’s Iron Man or the Green Goblin. The September Issue doesn’t really take a stance either way. In fact, the documentary doesn’t really do much of anything, refusing to fully commit to Wintour’s biography or her magazine, opting instead to just stand around looking pretty.

The film opens with a terse bout of self-denial from Wintour, whose reputation birthed the fictional fashion nazi from “The Devil Wears Prada.” Choosing not to defend her culture by extolling its virtues, she flippantly dismisses those on the outside who don’t appreciate the gravity of events like the September issue of “Vogue,” which is apparently a cultural supernova that threatens modern existence with its significance. Ostensibly, R.J. Cutler’s documentary follows the creation of that advertisement-laden phone book of clothing, pausing to let Wintour reveal a biographical nugget and never creating a sense of urgency.

What passes for conflict is Wintour’s relationship with Grace Coddington, the creative director of “Vogue.” Coddington and Wintour bump heads, or, more accurately, trade coldly upturned noses at one another, while begrudgingly conceding a measure of respect…so, as conflicts go, it’s not quite Israel vs Palestine. Coddington, who is shown to be so much more talented and intelligent than Wintour that she should use the film as her business card, cleverly breaks down the fourth wall by including the documentary’s cameraman in one of her shoots. Had the film chosen to focus on Coddington, or anything specific for that matter, it could have been more than passably charming.

Although it is refreshing that a film about an industry dominated by women chooses not to show any of them as terrifyingly catty or shallow, Cutler also fails to highlight the impressiveness of their accomplishment. Viewers unfamiliar with the size and scope of the fashion universe are not given a telescope to see its outer reaches and are instead given a child’s magnifying glass. Not every documentary need be self-important, but a little huzzah would have been openly welcomed and potentially deserved.

Lovingly (if somewhat tepidly) shot, The September Issue meanders and dawdles without any linear narrative structure, which would be fine had it been revealing about any of its subjects. Wintour is notoriously icy, which would have made introspection on her part a major grab, and the fashion culture is notoriously elitist, which would have made secret revelations particularly fascinating. Sadly, other than finding out that Wintour’s dad quit the publishing industry when he “got too angry,” and discovering that fashionistas look down on celebrities to a degree, there’s nary a juicy tidbit to be found.

Ultimately, The September Issue is as interesting as a well-produced segment on a morning talk show: it’s pleasing enough, but you’ll forget about it by the end of your commute.

Grade – C

I want to Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang this Doc Savage news

Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang is as awesomely awesome as awesome things can be awesome. From the ridiculously blazing, rapid-fire dialogue to the sinfully delicious Michelle Monaghan to the pitch-perfect noir feel, I simply could not get enough. I want 20 more movies where Robert Downey Jr spouts off Shane Black's dialogue, such as the following:

"Harmony: Well, for starters, she's been f**ked more times than she's had a hot meal.
Harry: Yeah, I heard about that. It was neck-and-neck and then she skipped lunch."

Seriously, just so good. Anyway, Black told AICN that he's writing Doc Savage, a movie based on the 1930s pulp hero who was a "physician, surgeon, scientist, adventurer, inventor, explorer, researcher, and, a musician." This is about as close to a home-run sure thing as I've ever heard.

So this leave us guessing who will play the nearly always shirtless Savage? Check him out:

I'm going to make two diametrically opposite suggestions: (1) The Rock. Yeah, I know, he makes shitty movies and has never found his niche, but this could really be it. He obviously has the physique and is so inherently likable that I want to see him finally find his home. Spouting off Black's dialogue instead of the cheesy bullpuckey that's normally flowing out of his Disney-fied mouth could be great. (2) Ryan Gosling. Now, he may be dead, I can't be sure. I haven't heard hide nor hair of or from him since he became the next big thing...and then did nothing. Having seen how talented he is, it may be nice to put him back in a big budget bruhaha and see how he does. Really, it's think outside the box with those two or go through the usual suspects that are rumored for everything. I prefer the former. Also, one more Kiss Kiss scene before I go:

"Harry: Well what I'm doing for the guy who likes to bluff is I'm playing a little game called Am I Bluffing? [Loads one round into the revolver to play Russian Roulette] Where is she? Where the f**k is Harmony? You want to play hardball? I can do that. [Spins the chamber and points the gun] Where is the girl? [Shoots the guy in the head]
Perry: What did you just do?
Harry: I just put in one bullet, didn't I?
Perry: You put a live round in that gun?
Harry: Well yeah, there was like an 8% chance.
Perry: Eight? Who taught you math!

Girl with awesome name to make movie with dumb name

I don't watch "Mad Men." Suck it up; it bores me and I don't really find it's misogyny to be all that quaint. Yes, I tried the show several times; no, I'm not going to do so again. I don't like it and I never will. LEAVE ME ALONE! I do, however, think that January Jones (one of the female stars of that show) is muy bonita and has the best totally made-up name in all of Hollywood. Seriously, could she make it any more obvious that she's a super-hero? Check out her GQ cover:


















In addition to noticing that she appears to be genetically enhanced (an obvious superhero trait), she's also clearly wearing the Black Widow's outfit:

Her obvious weakness isn't kryptonite but generically titled projects starring giant men. According to Variety, Jones will star with the enormous Liam Neeson and Diane Kruger (best known for feigning attraction to the deformed Martian that is Nic Cage in National Treasure) in Unknown White Male. It's some kind of stupid thriller where Neeson wakes from a coma to find someone else living his life. I would dismiss it entirely but then Taken made a billion dollars, so maybe this is all a part of January Jones's plan to take over the world with her piercing eyes and proposterous boobage.

Weekly Round-Up

Like all things, this was a week of love and hate:

• We loved Russian wackiness.
• We hated Cold Souls.
• We loved these things you should buy me.
• We hated this musical and this writer.
• We loved Nic Cage and we hated Nic Cage.
  

One last plug: Please check out this article about the University of Nebraska Omaha's speech team. The University is awesome, and the department is totally supportive, but money isn't out there for us this year. We need your help to get where we need to be, so pass this article that has a link to donate to whoever you think may be able to do so. Trust me, this activity and these kids are worth it.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Here we are again, gang. Another Friday, another chance for me to embarrass myself. I have to say it's been a long week, mostly aided by the fact that Omaha's weather has decided to emulate that of Blade Runner. I haven't seen the sun in so long that it's like being Sarah Palin (not because she lives in Alaska so much as because of where she usually keeps her head). Anyhoodle, here's how I see the weekend box office, haiku style:

1.) Saw VI - $29 million

Please do not see Saw.
You see Saw, we'll see more Saws
So no more Saw, see?

2.) Paranormal Activity - $20 million

Look at the indie!
I guess this type still does well.
At least it's something.

3.) Where the Wild Things Are - $16 million

Okay, listen up.
Let's reward those who made this.
Give them more money!

4.) Astro Boy - $12 million

What? Not in 3D?!
Kiss your box office goodbye.
It's sad, but it's true.

5.) Law Abiding Citizen - $11.5 million

Word of mouth is strong?
I'm not sure this is quite right.
You're sure you meant this?

WILDCARD - Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant - $10 million

Pick just one title.
Cash in on the vampire craze.
NOOOOO! John C. Reilly?!

Okay, that's it gang. Have a great weekend and see you on Monday!

Hottest Torso not on actress

Brian Michael Bendis wrote a phenomenal graphic novel called "Torso" that hasn't been turned into a movie because people are stupid. Really, that's all I got. I mean, it so perfectly would work as a major film that I cannot for the life of me fathom how this hasn't happened yet other than to conclude that Hollywood works like Darwin's theory of evolution in reverse. I mean, here's a retelling of America's first serial killer (true story) who was hunted down by Eliot Ness...yes, THAT Eliot Ness. So, you have a recognizable character in a time-period procedural suspense movie, Oh, by all means, hurry up and make a sequel to Alvin and the Chipmunks but leave this on the back burner to incinerate. Good news, though, as Bendis told MTV that things may be heating up again, alluding to the fact that David Fincher (Se7en) may still be attached. I don't care if he is or he isn't because this thing is such a neatly wrapped package of greatness that it would take someone like Uwe Boll or Paul WS Anderson to screw it up. Oh, God, did I just put those people in the same blog post with Torso? That means that they'll officially be "rumored to be involved" with the project if someone reads this. Shriek.

Hurry, hurry before it gets taken down: Avatar's second trailer!

I'm going to keep the introduction to this short, but JoBlo.com has a bootleg of the new Avatar trailer. It WILL be taken down, so watch it now.



Okay, I'm doing this super fast so as many of you can see it as possible. My top 5 thoughts:

1.) Apparently the dialogue was written by using a Mad Libs of classic movie lines (eg, "You're not in Kansas any more")

2.) The pace, music, and overall feel are so much better than the first trailer that whoever cut that first one should be fired and killed...maybe not in that order.

3.) I'm still not sold on how absolutely out of sync the "real world" stuff is from the CGI world. I don't need "photorealism," but I am pretty much ALWAYS aware that what I'm seeing is goofy and fake looking. Also, I still hate the design of the Thundersmurfs.

4.) They are going out of their way to remind us of the trust we should have for James Cameron, listing ALL of his good movies...but I probably would have left True Lies out of there...and maybe put the Terminator 2 one on the same frame as Terminator...and not used the Papyrus font still for the movie's logo...but you know, baby steps.

5.) I will officially move this from the going-to-be-a-total-turd pile and into the probably-going-to-be-just-okay pile.

So, overall, not a home run, but a solid double. What did you think?

I'm in Blomkamp's Kamp

I'm not 100% fo shizzle, but District 9 may still be the best movie I've seen all year. I won't know until I painstakingly go back through this year's crop, but like a determined sexual partner with good balance during an earthquake, it still has a damn good chance of staying on top. Thus, I'm three-shades of excited upon hearing that Media Rights Capital has committed to writer/director Neil Blomkamp's next movie, which we blissfully know nothing about. The only things we know are from Blomkamp himself, who told BFDealMemo that the project is "unique" and "very much a reflection of me" before confirming the best part "it is absolutely another science fiction film." This makes me happier than Nicholas Cage demanding to know how it got burned.

If D9 does end up atop my year end list, an illustrious position that has led so many to fame and fortune, it will be because it is so categorically unique, because, despite the totally and insanely inaccurate review in a certain major Omaha newspaper, it is in no way reminiscent of any sci-fi film to precede it. Oh, sure, you can argue that tiny pieces are comparable to other moments, but that's like saying Paul Blart is reminiscent to The Godfather because both have chubby central figures. Blomkamp is, unlike some others who have received the label, a total visionary. I for one am absolutely thrilled that District 10 is not his next movie, that we know jack squatoosh about this next project, and that people have learned already to trust this guy. Good things, people. Good things.

Ryan's Junk Drawer

It's Thursday, which means you've come here for my junk. Oh, don't try to deny it, this is probably your favorite day on this blog...most likely because you get 5 times the information and I don't have the time to ramble on for so stinking long.

Here are the top 5 stories I chose not to desecrate with my runaway verbiage:

1.) Dial T for "Ten years Too late To care" - I don't know if I like Mad Max as much as I enjoy making references about Mad Max. Seriously, when is making a "thunderdome" reference not hilarious? Answer: Never. I was moderately excited when I heard that Jeremy Renner was potentially up for the role that shot Mel Gibson to antisemitic fame, but now comes word from E! Online that writer/director George Miller is considering some guy I never heard of by the name of Tom Hardy and a certain blonde actress pictured here:

For the record, if she looks like she does on the right in Mad Max, I'm in. Whoever that is on the right won an Oscar. The one on the left made Hancock and a movie with a month in the title where she died or something (Innocent February? or Sweet October? I can't remember). Best part of this story, Miller is auditioning actors by giving them characters identified only by a letter. Yeah, so Theron would be auditioning for P or something (that sounds really funny...Charlize Theron is auditioning for P). If Renner is in, so am I. If not, I could care less.

2.) Wicker Man 2: The Wickening - This is not a preview of that, although it may as well be. Remember how for awhile there Joaquin Phoenix was going on all sorts of talk shows looking like a homeless person...or really just looking like Benicio Del Toro, come to think of it. Everyone was asking "Hey, is this for real, or is this some kind of performance?" I'm beginning to believe that Nic Cage is doing some kind of meta-cinematic thing with his life. Like his determination to make shitty, shitty movies is some kind of statement on the industry or something? How else do you explain things like the following preview for Season of the Witch?



Like I said, it technically isn't Wickerman 2, but Lord it sure could end up feeling like it. Oh, and yeah, because I mentioned it:



3.) Me from the late 90s is angry - I loved, loved, loved The Crow when it first came out. You know what, eff that. I still love, love, love The Crow. When they reran it on MTV recently, I watched the whole stinkin' thing. Heck, I remember in college when The Crow II came out how excited I was...until I saw it. Since then, it's been a long series of disappointments with the whole concept, culminating in me wanting it all to stop. Of course, it isn't. Stephen Norrington, who directed Blade (yay) and League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (uuuuuuggggghhh) is resurrecting the series in what he swears isn't a remake (in that it won't be the exact same character as the first film) but is totally a remake (in that it will be about a musician who goes through the exact same things that happened in the first film). I would love to believe that there's a chance this will be good, but I don't.

4.) Two trailers in, I still want to see Wolfman - If you had told me that I would be looking forward to a werewolf movie that didn't prominently feature Tracy Morgan singing "Werewolf Barmitzvah," I would have called you a liar. But here we are, two trailers later and I still want to see Wolfman. Even more shocking, they use some generic industrial rock riff for the score here...and I STILL like it. It looks atmospheric and whatnot, plus it has some wicked awesome looking transformation scenes and Anthony Hopkins looking all crazy (which is how I like him). Oh, and for those out there who like such things (like my cousin Jimmy), there's a shot of Emily Blunt kind of showing her Emily Blunts. Check it out, it looks kinda good, doesn't it?



5.) This isn't true...but it should be - Aintitcool was founded on the Star Wars prequels. It was how they got rolling, what drew me to them, and really what drew me to doing what I'm doing right now. So, it's only fitting that they should be the ones to debunk what was an obviously false, totally bullshit rumor about how they're contemplating a new trilogy to be shot in 3D and directed by Spielberg and Coppola. Now, obviously, this is not real. Why? Because it's perfect. Click the Aintitcool link to see it debunked by Lucasfilm directly, but then pause a moment to think about what an insanely great idea that would be. You know how during the Bush presidency everyone sat at home going "Seriously, does he NOT KNOW how terrible he is at this?" I feel the same way about Lucas. Like, there's no way he hasn't at least considered that he is sucking terribly right now. The only path to redemption for him is to give us what we've always wanted: The final trilogy, directed by people who know what they're doing, written by people who get it. The problem is that Lucas thinks that Star Wars is his. It isn't. It never was. It's all of ours, and to think otherwise is to fall victim to the myth that allowed Jar-Jar Binks to exist. I guess what I'm saying is, this rumor is totally false but really shouldn't be. We SHOULD see what a Spielberg Star Wars would look like. We SHOULD see what that final trilogy would hold. There is literally no reason this shouldn't happen other than Lucas won't do it because it's a good idea. That's my rant of the day. I want a new Star Wars trilogy. Yeah, I said it.

Something completely different

Hey out there loyal readers of this here blog. I don't know how to do this concisely, but here's me trying.

My wife is the head coach of the UNO Forensics team (that's the University of Nebraska at Omaha speech team, for those who don't get the lingo), and I help her out. It's more than a job to her (and me), it's something that changes the lives of young people and helps shape our community if not our country. Not to demean or insult any other activity, but I personally believe that this is the single greatest extracurricular that college kids can be involved with. It teaches all manner of social and professional skills, social awareness, teamwork, and on and on and on.

Thing is, our team needs help. This being a lingering recession year and all, the university can't go above and beyond as they have the last few years. We need your help in order to travel to nationals. I won't go on about all the ins and outs, because it's all contained in the story right HERE. Please read it. If you feel so inclined, click on the link at the bottom and make a secure donation. If you have any questions, hit me up at film@thereader.com or email my wife directly at asyrek@unomaha.mail.edu. For real, this won't go to fund anything other than helping a nationally ranked team actually go to nationals. Thanks for listening.

Shocker: Michael Bay NOT attached to new Jane Eyre adaptation

I still haven't seen Sin Nombre (a supposedly wickedly good indie), but I really, really want to. I should get on that, I have only myself to blame. Anyway, the director Cary Fukunaga is hot shit right now and has chosen...another adaptation of "Jane Eyre" as his next film?! This information comes from Variety, but screw those guys, I found it in an article by Russ Fisher of Slashfilm.com, who did an excellent job breaking the news apart into digestible itty-bitty pieces for me. Most notably he points out that Fukunaga is going to likely do well with the social commentary aspects of the novel, which is good, because I really don't care about the rest. I know I should, what with me being a literature guy and all, but I don't. It was bland to me. Oh, funny story for you. Not Slashfilm's fault, but how funny is it that in a write-up about Jane Eyre, one of the most "plain" characters ever written (it's a selling point for many people, as in "hey, it's a story about an ordinary looking girl"...and they'll probably get some stunning actress to play her but WITHOUT MAKEUP so it will be all revolutionary), this is the ad that was on the page:


"Hey people potentially interested in a film from a sophisticated director about a feminist novel that takes on social constructs and gender roles...LOSE WEIGHT YOU FATTIES." That's really amusing to me.

Road paved for turtle/sponge showdown

This is a slow news day. How slow? Thanks for asking imaginary person who is always somehow interested in every single thing I'm talking about! It's so slow that I'm going to now give you news about a once popular property that was sold for $60 million to Viacom, the gang who owns Nickelodeon, which has both awesome and terrifying programming for children and then just terrifying programming for toothless adults after 8 pm. THR is reporting that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are now joined with Spongebob Squarepants and other such silly properties. This doesn't change the planned live-action movie in 2012 that's underway but does now include a CGI TV show to premiere about that time and allows the franchise to reach a larger audience, something that makes this guy happy:

Other things that make that guy happy include:

and, sadly:

I hope everyone saw that coming.

Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 6)

You know what's sad? A little girl getting a flu shot who says "don't make it hurts mommy...don't make it hurts." You know what's even sadder? That nobody, and I mean NOBODY (including my wife, friends, strangers, readers, stalkers, advertisers, or gypsies), has bought me any of this, this, this, this, or this. So, really, who's sadder? That little girl or me? Yeah, that's right, I'm sadder than a little girl...wait...

Here's the top 3 things that you should buy me this week but won't because you want me to cry, cry, cry.

1.) You're wrong, this is not embarrassing - My good friend Matt loves himself some Captain America. So it is in his honor that I give to you the newest article of clothing to tapdance the thin line between lame and totally awesome.

Presumably modeled here by a slimmed-down Kevin Smith, notice how this garment serves no less than three purposes. First, it covers your man boobies. Second, it works as a costume, so no need to change when you encounter crime that must be thwarted. Third, I can only assume that if you were to pull the camera back, you would see throngs...flocks...NAY HORDES of women flinging themselves at this gentleman's feet. 80stees.com has it on sale. Get it before you miss your chance and this guy buys them all.

2.) Your post-it note has disgraced my family - You know what's not cool: thumbtacks. You know what is cool? Ninja throwing stars. You know what wouldn't be cool: Ninjas throwing thumbtacks. You know what would be cool: An office employee holding up his notes with throwing stars. Wish. Granted.

Some days I wonder why I even go anywhere other than ThinkGeek.com with my free time. For a mere 10 bones you can have the coolest bulletin board EVER. Isn't that worth it? Yeah, I think so.

3.) I want to go to the season that says I want to go to there - I still don't have "30 Rock" season three yet. Shit, I don't have "The Office" season 5 yet. Buy me both on Amazon, and I'll forgive you for not buying me other things yet.


It's a fine time to point out that, with Christmas time fast approaching, you should really get to buying me crap before it's all snapped up. This is what they call "creating a false sense of urgency." It doesn't work.

This movie news can only lead to inappropriate jokes

I know this is going to be a whitewashed, bland, tame comedy, but I have to tell you that this concept is coming dangerously close to child endangerment. Variety is reporting that Disney star Selena Gomez (who is all of 17 years old) is going to star in What Boys Want, which is obviously inspired by the Mel Gibson "classic" What Women Want and has a similar conceit. In this new movie, Gomez will star as a girl who can hear men's thoughts. OH. GOD. That's a terrible, terrible, terrible idea. Let's have a pretty 17-year-old girl hear what MEN are thinking? Are you kidding? Here's the movie: in the first 5 minutes she gets her power, she takes one step out the front door and spends the next 2 hours of the movie in intense therapy, scrubbing herself in a shower, and taking medication. This is just wrong, wrong, wrong. Her only lines of spoken dialogue will be "WHY? Why are you all so vile?!" I know that this is a Disney project, so this probably isn't the way it's going to go down, but we all know that were this reality, the girl would scoop her brains out with a spoon before 10 minutes had elapsed. This brings me to my greatest discovery of the last 2 weeks: My favorite Conan O'Brien reference. I constantly use the phrase "inappropriate" with the accompanying guitar riff. Everybody always looks at me funny, but it's from this. I thought, given the fact that the movie's premise is so awful and inappropriate, it was a good time to use this.

Inappropriate Reaction Channel - More bloopers are a click away

See, now you'll all understand me!!

For my friend, Andrew, here's some hate fodder

Devin at Chud.com did a little straight-forward piece on some comments made by screenwriter/producer/Oscar-winner/son-of-a-bitch Akiva Goldsman in the LA Times. This was a harmless gesture by Devin, and led to the inevitable mention of Goldsman's involvement in Batman and Robin, a movie for which Goldsman should have rightly been killed. Devin calls attention to Goldsman's comments on the upcoming Lobo movie, directed by Guy Ritchie, and on Swamp Thing, both of which will unquestionably suck solely because Goldsman is a terrible writer, an awful producer, and likely feasts on the marrow of kitties and on puppy flesh. Don't believe me? Read this following excerpt and ask yourself how hard you'd like to punch the person saying this.

"There's something hyperbolic and authentic about a Guy Ritchie movie. His best movie are deeply, deeply stylized yet they are all grounded; there's a grit of stylization, which sounds like an oxymoron but it makes perfect sense when you've seen his films."

"A grit of stylization?" You're right, Akiva, that does sound like an oxymoron, if oxymoron means "what the f**k are you talking about?" He goes on to mention that they've got the character design of Lobo down, which is good, because I still don't know how you make this look less stupid in real life:

But rest assured, if anyone can do it, it's the guy who wrote Practical Magic. This is why we should be able to count certain movies as war crimes.

Broadway Musical Turned Movie Guaranteed to Make You Sterile

I don't have cold, hard evidence or "facts" on the following assertion, but neither does Fox News and they run a whole cable channel. I'm 99.99% sure that the movie based on the Broadway musical "Rock of Ages," will kill the "little swimmers" of any man that watches it and will shrivel the girlie parts of all women. I've never seen it (dear Lord, why take that risk), but I can say this because of the Variety story that revealed director Adam Shankman. Helloooooo, how do we know this project is dangerous? The man's last name is a description of how to kill a man in jail! Beyond that, the article described that the music in the musical includes the following: Journey, Twisted Sister, Joan Jett, Bon Jovi, and Pat Benatar. Maybe, just maybe you survive the Journey and the Joan Jett. After all, who wants to stop believin' and doesn't want to put another "dime" (I believe that was once American currency) in the jukebox, baby? But the one/two/three nut punch of Twisted Sister, Bon Jovi, and Pat Benatar? No way your sperm survives that. What happens is, and I believe this is scientific, the little future babies realize that they don't want to live in a world where that music is popular, so they commit molecular suicide. Again, I'm pretty sure I learned that in Biology 101. Oh, and then there's this:
I believe in the middle, that's a reject from American Idol. You'll also notice that you aren't quite sure the gender of those behind him. This is not an advertisement, it's a warning.