Box Office Results: Suck it Sex and the City!

Yes, technically you could spin this to be good news for Shrek (it isn't, as the fourth film is still waaaay off of what was expected), bad news for Prince of Persia (it is, but not that bad), or "it is what we expected" news for Sex and the City (it isn't). If you consider the frenzy over that first day of release, when the film took in a TON of money, and you remember what the first film did it's opening weekend in just 3 days ($57 million), then the total for this holiday stretch is particularly weak. Personally, I'm going to just believe that the brilliant review from Lindy out in Seattle did in the stupid, reprehensible flick.

Here's how the weekend shaped up, haiku style:

1.) Shrek Forever After - $55 million (Accuracy of prediction - 66%)

Damn you, green ogre!
Why can't you even flop right?
Be gone forever.

2.) Prince of Persia: Sands of Time - $38 million (Accuracy of prediction - 58.5%)

By Gyllenhaal's abs!
I can't believe this total!
Video game CURSE!

3.) Sex and the City 2 - $37 million (Accuracy of prediction - 58.5%)

Ha, ha. Take that, douche!
I love that this is failing!
Maybe it's the last!!!!

4.) Iron Man 2 - $20 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97.5%)

I love Iron Man.
He will never let me down.
I love you tin man.

5.) Robin Hood - $13.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 94.5%)

It's almost over.
Russell Crowe can go away.
Back to his ho-hos.

Overall Accuracy of Prediction - 75%

The bombs really hurt.
Persia and Sex both sucked it.
And thus, so did I.

Okay, that's it for today. Short week for us, so let's really make today count...right?

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Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Well, the good news is that as fast as the Sex and the City tramps arrive, they leave. What I mean is, they usually are super quick out of the gate and then fall of drastically because they have a loyal but small fan base. They're like Twilight for older, non-cat ladies. Whereas those gals have small appeal, everyone wants to touch Jake Gyllenhaal, especially when his abs have abs as they do in Prince of Persia. This means a big box office duel this weekend, and I'm sticking to my guns. I think PoP beats out SATC2, but just barely. Then again, I'm wrong so often I should work for Fox news.

Here's how I see the weekend box office, haiku style (oh, and this is for the 4-day stretch from Today through Memorial Day...I will not be blogging that day):

1.) Prince of Persia: Sands of Time - $62 million

Always bet on black.
But you NEVER bet against,
Jake Gyllenhaal's abs.

2.) Sex and the City 2 - $60 million

Have fun out there, girls.
You have a loyal fan base.
Too bad they are wrong.

3.) Shrek Forever After - $40 million

We have our first flop.
How bad do you have to feel?
You're the worst Shrek flick.

4.) Iron Man 2 - $19 million

Keep flying, Tony!
I want Marvel flush with cash.
It's Avengers time!

5.) Robin Hood - $12 million

Bye, bye Mr. Crowe.
By the next time we see you
you will be larger.

Okay, that's it. I'm out on Monday like the rest of you good Americans. Remember loved ones and those who died for the country, have a great weekend, and smoke some weenies for me.

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Weekend Box Office Results: Maybe people didn't go see Shrek because of "Lost?"

I know I dedicated pretty much all day yesterday to "Lost," so maybe there's just a huge crossover between Shrek audience members and "Lost" fans. Right, and maybe there's also a big crossover between people who own a Lindsay Lohan record and Nobel Prize Winning physicists. The reality is, Shrek 3 sucked butt. Shrek 4 looked like butt. So nobody went to see Shrek 4. Okay, not nobody. $70 million is a ton of money, but not for this series. Every prediction had it doing something like $100 million, so this is unquestionably a big fat sign that we're finally done with Shrek. Also interesting: People apparently did not care that reviews for MacGruber were generally quite positive. They did NOT care to see it. I'm a little surprised, although I still hold out hope for a slow burn. Maybe people will flock to it later? Guessing not.

Okay, I'm tired, I've got a lot to do. So here's the final tallies (haiku style):

1.) Shrek Forever After - $71 million (Accuracy of prediction - 72.5%)

This isn't my fault.
The last few did huge money.
People don't like crap?

2.) Iron Man 2 - $27 million (Accuracy of prediction - 96%)

Keep on flying, man!
You're the early summer champ!
Let's see if it lasts....

3.) Robin Hood - $18.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 98.5%)

So much for a flop.
It is even holding well.
You go, sweet fat man!

4.) Letters to Juliet - $9 million (Accuracy of prediction - 79%)

Oh YEAH! I forgot!
It's the only female flick.
It wins by default!

5.) MacGruber - $4 million (Accuracy of prediction - 45%)

Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch
No new movie stars are born.
At least they have jobs.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 78%

Well, I guess that's it.
I did not have a good week.
But I did love "Lost!!!!"

Happy Monday to ya! See you tomorrow!

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Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

You'll notice this isn't my last post of the day. Nope. I have an epic "Lost" finale prediction section to get to before this is all said and done. So, I figured, let's get the Shrek talk out of the way now. Yes, this movie is going to do all sorts of money, aided in part by the first $20 movie ticket ever. If you just puked in your mouth, know that your puke tasted like 3D. This is the price we pay for excess, more breeding excess. We also have MacGruber opening this week, and I think it may actually have some measure of staying power. It's not going to be blowing people away opening weekend, but considering your other option for a laugh is to either (A) guffaw at Russell Crowe's waistline in Robin Hood or (B) pretend fart jokes are still entertaining with Shrek. Plus, I love Kristen Wiig with every fiber of my stupid heart, so I'm hoping she comes out a winner on this. Alright, enough's enough, if I'm going to get to my epic "Lost" predictions, I have to wrap this up.

Here are the box office predictions for this weekend, haiku style:

1.) Shrek Forever After - $110 million

The least they could do
is be clever with spelling.
FOUR-ever after?

2.) Iron Man 2 - $29 million

This one may wind up
lower than was expected.
It's still effing huge.

3.) Robin Hood - $18 million

Like Russel Crowe's belt,
when it comes to box office,
this will not hold well.

4.) MacGruber - $15 million

I smell a sleeper...
as in a slow-burning hit,
I don't sniff dreamers.

5.) Letters to Juliet - $7.5 million

First there was Dear John.
Now Letters to Juliet.
At least she can read.

That's it for the predictions. If you're a Lostie, be back here in a few hours for my final predictions ever!!!!!

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Weekend Box Office Results: Fatty's still a draw

I do hope the world realizes that I'm just having fun with the "Russell Crowe is fat" jokes. It's amuses me because he's a douche. So, fatty had a good weekend, as his film did far better than I thought it would. It's not going to last, because the buzz is NOT strong on the film, but hey, it's not going to be a flop like I thought it might be. I wonder what the first huge misfire of the season will be (fingers crossed it's Shrek 4). For now, let's talk about what is firing on all cylinders.

Here's the weekend box office results, haiku style:

1.) Iron Man 2 - $53 million (Accuracy of prediction - 88.5%)

Believe it or not,
This has made 200 mil...
and that's not enough.

2.) Robin Hood - $37 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

Fatty's still got it!
I think the draw was Blanchett.
I'd rather look there.

3.) Letters to Juliet - $14 million (Accuracy of prediction - 96.5%)

Something for ladies?
Actually, Iron Man 2
has had more women!

4.) Just Wright - $8.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

Hey Common, what gives?
Didn't you used to do rap?
Please do that again.

5.) How to Train Your Dragon - $5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 95%)

Please go away now.
You've got oh so much money.
So please just leave now.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 95%

Look at that total!
Do I know what I'm doing?
Likely it's a fluke.

Okay gang, happy Monday to ya. Go be productive.

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Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

It's Friday, y'all. That means that I can officially mark the end of this shitpocalyptic week. Seriously, if I've been a douche, I'm sorry. I've been swimming downstream from the biggest douchefishes and got it all over me. This means I've been somewhat off in my bloggery. For that, lo siento my good friends. Speaking of lo siento, it sounds like the biggest mea culpas (man do I love mixing 3 languages in one sentence) is going to come from the studio that thought we needed another Robin Hood movie. Let me be the first person today to make the joke about a Brian Adams song or Kevin Costner. The dirty secret is, I really liked that first movie, even if I still do not understand how or why Morgan Freeman the scimitar-tossing Moor ended up in it. Anyway, this one is 100% Freeman free, but does feature chubby bunny Russell Crowe getting his best grimace on. Oh, and the goddess that is Cate Blanchett. She's almost worth doing anything for, including seeing this movie. At any rate, it's not going to be the number one movie, it's going to do decent opening money and then fade away before you know it. Mark my words, this one will be on video in a fortnight. Man, I am busting out the strangest terms in this post, huh? Okay, enough of this, it's Friday and you good people came here for predictions.

Haikus away!

1.) Iron Man 2 - $65 million

I think this will hold.
The word of mouth is still good.
Downey is a god.

2.) Robin Hood - $35 million

No bows and arrows,
this Robin's weapon is new:
It's his appetite.

3.) Letters to Juliet - $15 million

The lovely Seyfried
still can't choose a good project.
Avoid at all costs.

4.) Just Wright - $9 million

Wait...Queen Latifah?
AND former rapper Common?
COUNT ME...somewhere else.

5.) How to Train Your Dragon - $5.5 million

Look...here is the deal.
If your dragon ain't trained yet
You'd best just give up.

Okay, that's it for me guys. You have a wonderful weekend. I'm going to try to drink my troubles away as the good Lord intended. Have fun!

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Movie Review: Iron Man 2

As promised, here's my thoughts about everybody's favorite man-in-a-tin-can.

Loud Sounds and Nick Fury
Iron Man 2 is bigger, bolder but not quite better

Deciding whether the Iron Man armor worn by Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr), with its funky, zappy-laser thingies, is cooler than the War Machine armor worn by Lieutenant Colonel James “Rhodey” Rhodes (Don Cheadle), with its “Say hello to my little friends” full-on arsenal, may be easier than deciding whether Scarlett Johansson’s cleavage is more impressive than Mickey Rourke’s heaving bosom. Iron Man 2, a love song to excess, is filled with these kinds of bigger-better-more pairings; it’s all about doubling everything, not just the pleasure and fun.

Screenwriter Justin Theroux (Tropic Thunder) delivered unto director Jon Favreau a kludge script. It gets the job done, welding giant action set pieces with subplots that sorta-kinda fit together if you squint hard enough. The sequel picks up shortly after Stark’s ego led him to admit to his alter ego. The uber-tattooed Ivan Vanko (Rourke) crawls out of a vodka bottle somewhere in Siberia to discover that his father’s designs for a power generator had been stolen by Stark’s papa. So he does what any good son would do: He creates a cyber exoskeleton with huge whips and goes to Monaco with murder on his mind.

Meanwhile, Stark is busy fending off demands from the U.S. Government to turn over his suit, dodging attacks on his company and legacy from his competitor Justin Hammer (Sam Rockwell) and trying not to die from palladium poisoning—it’s best to leave that particular storyline alone. Thankfully, he has friends in all places: his best bud Rhodey is in the military; his would-be lady love, Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow), is the new Stark Corporation C.E.O.; his hand-sculpted-by-God new assistant, Natasha (Johansson), is at his beck and call and his cryptic, cyclopic ally Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson) is there to show up at just the right time with a box full of deus ex machina.

Oh, it’s a mess. Theroux’s subplots don’t tangle so much as they run parallel to one another, screaming at the top of their lungs the whole way. Still, it’s often a very fun mess. Between Rockwell’s foppish, flopping foil and Downey’s nuclear arsenal of charm, it may be physically impossible to not at least have a good time. That in and of itself is somewhat of an accomplishment in this post-Dark Knight era, when glee is often swapped out for “realistic” gruff. The biggest gaffe revealed is the weakness inherent to the mythos of Iron Man himself: his villains mostly suck. Vanko doesn’t so much present himself as a terrifying nemesis so much as a whack-a-mole who needs to get rock-em sock-em robot-ed every once and awhile.

What is most interesting is Marvel Comics’ commitment to their larger motion picture agenda. “Easter eggs,” the nickname given to the cinematic practice of tiny winks-and-nods to the audience, regarding Thor and Captain America are delivered by the double baker’s dozen. Although the claim that Iron Man 2 is nothing more than a set-up to the upcoming Avengers flick is overly dismissive and kind of pissy, there’s no question that the only truly consequential events in the film involve Fury and his soon-to-be-assembled team.

In some ways, Iron Man 2 is one of the most comic book-like of all comic book adaptations, with its superfluous-but-kinda-cool crossovers (as with the sometimes delightfully spandexed but wholly unnecessary Johansson) and dialed-to-11 storytelling. The first film was a surprise, riding the charisma of a redeemed former-cokehead superstar. The second doubles down hard in every department and uses Downey’s rapscallion nature as the glue that holds it together. It’s by no means a well-oiled machine, but this bucket of bolts is still blockbuster-bound.

Grade = B

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

First off, I'm working on the Iron Man 2 review. It will be around sometime this afternoon. I know, I know, how can you be expected to be productive on a Friday if you're sitting around waiting to hear what I thought about the first summer blockbuster. I think you'll make it through, you're a trooper.

Speaking of blockbusters, the only real intrigue this weekend is whether Iron Man 2 can beat The Dark Knight's opening weekend. It's going to be close. Working in its favor is the fact that it's shorter, which will allow more screenings, and it's on a slightly greater number of screens. Working against it, nobody feels about Mickey Rourke the way they felt about Heath Ledger. Hell, nobody feels about Mickey Rourke the way the feel about a Heath bar, but that's besides the point. Also, no matter how beloved the first Iron Man was, Batman is a bigger property. So, it may be that this sequel only does truly insane money this weekend instead of "oh my God, all reality is crumbling" money.

How much do I think it will do? Let's see, haiku style:

1.) Iron Man 2 - $151 million

He can't beat Batman,
but he shouldn't feel to bad...
Superman couldn't.

2.) Nightmare on Elm Street - $10.5 million

Hey, what do you call
a sequel to a remake?
Answer: I don't care.

3.) How to Train Your Dragon - $8 million

Talk about long legs,
this movie has GIANT gams.
Way to go, Lizards.

4.) Date Night - $6 million

Word (of mouth) is bond.
This exceeded predictions.
...because it's funny.

5.) The Back Up Plan - $3.5 million

This is still playing?
Someone should really fix that.
And destroy the prints.

WILDCARD - Clash of the Titans - $3 million

I will say this much:
I loved "Release the Kraken."
I won't forget it.

Okay, that's it for now. I'll be back with my review later on. Keep on keepin' on this Friday.

A few quick notes

It's Tuesday, so you know all I'm thinking about is the impending brain flambe that "Lost" is about to produce in a matter of hours. That said, a bevy of tiny tidbits broke last night, and I don't want to miss out. So...what am I waiting for? Let's do this thing!

1.) - Spider-man is finding things hard suddenly

Yep, that headline was just an excuse for me to post this. Hey, you'd do it too. Turns out that Alan Cumming is out as the Green Goblin in the Broadway version of Spider-man, which I'm convinced isn't going to ever happen. With the music of U2 and Julie Taymor directing, I thought for sure this thing would at least see the light of day, but it turns out that it is waaaaay too expensive, and delay after delay in funding means everybody is abandoning ship as though there was a Lohan driving. My hope has now gone from one day seeing Spidey live on stage in New York to praying that they at least release the U2 music as some kind of CD I can buy and listen to whilst I read Spidey comics. So long as there is some connection between U2 and Spider-man that I can physically see, hold, or listen to, I'm good.

2.) - Bond meets a trap he can't boff his way out of - MGM's bankruptcy hurts a lot of people, so it seems stupid to be complaining about this aspect. Nonetheless, my hide is chapped because Bond 23, the final part of the new trilogy, is on indefinite hold. Much like Spider-man's musical misadventures, funding for the project is tricky when your studio is so deep in the red that Glenn Beck is about to accuse it of socialism (get it, because Red was a slang term for communism, and Beck is a dipshit?). It's not like we're never going to see another 007 movie. We will. It's not like this delay will stretch out for a decade (at least, I hope not). Still, I want the new flick NOW, not later. Stupid money.

3.) Sam Jackson drops bombs of the non F variety - Sam Jackson told IESB that he's not in Thor, no matter what anyone tells you (leaving me to believe the tie-in will be Tony Stark and not Nick Fury in that one), and that shooting for The Avengers is set to begin in February. WOWZA! That's actually quite soon considering the director announcement hasn't officially been made yet, the cast is only quasi-established (we know the four principle actors in Chris Evans, Sam Jackson, Robert Downey Jr, and the guy playing Thor...yeah, I know he has a name, but I'm waiting to see if I need to learn it until after I see him in costume), and the script is under overhaul. It's an exciting time to be a Marvel fan...but it's also a bit nerve wracking. Although I have confidence in Iron Man 2...that's where my certainty ends. Everything else is a thrilling possibility but only a possibility. Stay tuned, true believers.

I'm back...and more Australian than ever

Award yourself three bonus points if you were able to successfully identify the title of this blog post as a quip made by one of the "Mystery Science Theater 3000" gang during their review of Kathy Ireland's Alien from LA. Anyhoodle, just to give you a quick chance to catch up with what I've been up to since last we cyber-spoke: The University of Nebraska Omaha's forensics team (again, that means speaking and not "CSI" stuff) nailed down their first top 10 finish ever, had their best individual overall student (Allison Henri, who was 16th in the country), and had one student (Cameron Logsdon) win the first individual national championship in school history when he won Program of Oral Interpretation. For those who don't know what I'm talking about, just know that UNO achieved more than I could have dreamed...and last night I had a dream where a monkey milked a unicorn while MC Hammer watched. Now, I've missed a lot of stuff...and I do not have the time to walk through each and every single event that took place. That said, I'm going to do my damnedest to hit the highlights.

I really don't want to overwhelm all of you, so I'm going to do this in the shortest way possible...no, not haikus (although I'm tempted), but I am going to do some rhyming verse. Here goes, I give to you:

Ryan's Catch-Up Column in Rhyming Couplet

This is a small rumor, some would say a nugget
but if it is true, I sure want to plug it.
The word is that Thor may arrive in Iron Man 2,
it wouldn't surprise me, but this may not be true.

Although not a list-topper, Anna Faris is hot,
but when it comes to this news, I could not give a squat.
Ms. Faris will take over where Goldie Hawn has been,
by taking the lead in the new Private Benjamin.

Leonardo DiCaprio may decide to go FBI,
under the direction of another old guy.
This J Edgar Hoover bio will likely be good,
marking a change for Clint Eastwood.

Some remakes are obviously "dead pictures walking"
none are more so than Look Who's Talking.
If the producers would just hold up an iota,
given his choices, they might again score Travolta.

I can't say I know who Sebastian Stan is,
but his agent must be some kind of wiz.
He almost got cast as Captain America, which was lucky,
but was ultimately chosen to be his sidekick, Bucky.

Speaking of Cap, here's some more casting news,
one that will surely make some of you blue.
Cap's girl will be played by someone who's hot,
but one thing I know, Emily Blunt it is NOT.

Although the second one gave me the opposite of pleasure,
it looks like there'll be a third National Treasure.
The movie is supposedly already being penned,
and a nation awaits, to get screwed again.

We're going to see Thor sooner than I thought,
as starting May 5th, we'll see production shots.
Hopefully the images don't make us feel doom.
So much will come down to that silly costume.

George Lucas is back and at it once more,
with another Star Wars project for fans to endure.
He's finally giving fans the thing for which we waited!
A Star Wars TV sitcom that's animated?!?!?!?!

Red Sonja is stuck, in development Hades,
sad news for fans of sword-wielding ladies.
But rumor has it producers are removing these blocks,
and have offered the role to the vapid Megan Fox.

Harrison Ford may be back in the saddle,
helping cowboys against aliens battle!
Starring Daniel Craig, directed by Jon Favreau,
written by "Lost" writers, to Cowboys and Aliens I'll go!!!

That's the best recap I can do in the time and space allowed, folks. I promise not to leave you again for that long...at least not for awhile. Happy Tuesday, I'll be back with "Lost" thoughts shortly.

Breaking News: Iron Man 2 trailer suggests the film may be cool

Let's just kick off Monday right. You may not have stayed up after the Oscars long enough to see this:



Yeah, I know. I'm as shocked as you are; it looks like Iron Man 2 may be re-damn-diculous. I mean, I had my money on "incredible" or potentially "intensely bad-ass," but this is now seriously approaching re-damn-diculous categorization. Few films have achieved such an honor, but when you dress Scarlett Johansson in leather, throw in multiple armored-encrusted good-guys fighting armor-covered robot bad guys, mix in a Russian Mickey Rourke, a toothy Sam Rockwell, and a leggy Gwyneth Paltrow, and top the whole affair with an angry-looking Samuel L Jackson as Nick Fury...I think we have a re-damn-diculous contender. It's also a good point to mention that the exchange between Tina Fey and Robert Downey Jr was Oscar's funniest moment for me last night, proving that Downey Jr is just unstoppable at this point. If it were anyone else in that metal suit, I would not be trying to control my Iron Man lust, but after that trailer, I need a cold shower and a thesaurus for more adjectives. Hotcha!

Facial hair on the brain

I shaved my beard off, mostly because I had simply grown tired of it, as I am prone to do with anything other than all of popular culture and kettle-corn chips. Now I look like a 12-year-old version of myself. Seriously, I look like a motion capture rendering of myself. It's kind of embarrassing. Anyhoodle, I mention this because the biggest issue in the Golden Globe kerfuffle (Avatar WHAT?!) was actually Robert Downey Jr's facial hair.
This isn't a fashion thing like what the she-beast Joan Rivers, who suckles at the teat of our mutual destruction, is obsessed with. No, this is nerd-related shit here. Devin, who is himself quite bearded, has a great piece at CHUD about what Downey Jr REGROWING the now famous Tony Stark facial hair may mean. Essentially, Devin thinks he's either doing a reshoot for Iron Man 2, which wrapped awhile back now, or (more exciting) shooting a cameo in the now shooting Thor. FYI, when I typed that last sentence, I originally put that he was shooting a camero, which would be way cooler. Devin makes a great, great, great point about how director Jon Favreau and Downey riffed so well while shooting the first one that they went back and shored it up after they looked through the editing stage, so he hopes that's what's happening now to give us the strongest possible Iron Man 2. That's great if that's the case, but my panties are in a superheroic bunch at the lucious, sexy thought of having RDJ appear in some quasi-substantial way in Thor. At this rate, The Avengers movie is already a thing of legend to me...and they haven't even written it yet.

Worth the wait?

Yesterday afternoon was dotted by everyone showing off this image:

Yep, that's War Machine as he will appear in Iron Man 2. I like the poster a lot, mostly because it doesn't tell us anything. They're touching, but is it supportive touching or are they about to duel? Is this "watch your back" or "I've got your back?" They don't even give you the title. They're like "Hey, it's dudes in metal suits, figure it out. We'll give you the number two, but that's all you get." The only way I could be more excited is if you saw Scarlett Johansson's head popping out from between Iron Man's legs...that did not sound right. So, when everyone was posting this yesterday, I waited a bit. Mostly because my hands were tired from typing about other bullcrap. Then came news from Jeff Bridges that caused everyone to re-post their original post...see, Bridges basically came out and said that the original Iron Man had no real script. That's so rad. As a writer, I kind of want to be offended, but how badass is it that they made a movie that enjoyable while basically winging it. Of course, I'm a little scared that they'll have a hard time catching lightning in a bottle twice, as rumor has it this one is a bit ight-lay on the ipt-scray as well. Yet, comic movies like this one (not all comic movies mind you) aren't reliant so much on plot contrivances as they are based in character and bombast. I think they can nail it...at least I hope they do. So look for War Machine and Iron man to be fighting/supporting one another/having robo-sex improv style come next May!

Ryan's Junk Drawer

This week has been slower than a slug stuck in molasses (I don't know, apparently I felt like using some kind of expression that you'd use if you were born in 1940s Mississippi). There hasn't been much news of any kind, let alone ones that weren't important enough to get their own post. Still, I'm nothing if not resourceful, so here's the top 5 things that STILL didn't stand out despite this week being quieter than a tongueless church mouse on Sunday.

1.) - The Hornet is gonna sting ya face! - Despite rumors that had Seth Rogen's Green Hornet deader than an armadillo with its shell split (I can't stop), it turns out the delay in the date of release for The Green Hornet wasn't a nice way of saying that it ain't gonna happen. Filming has started and Columbia pictures took the time to confirm some rumors. Tom Wilkinson and David Harbour have been added to Michel Gondry's cast. They look like this (image thanks to Slashfilm.com):

Nicholas Cage is still in negotiations to be the bad guy, and Cameron Diaz is still sluttin' it up in this. Do I want to see a superhero movie from Gondry starring Rogen? You bet yer ass I do. Do Wilkinson and (the now confirmed) Edward James Olmos inspire confidence in me? You bet yer ass they do. Do Diaz and Cage still make me shudder with fear of horrendous suckitude? You bet their talentless asses they do.

2.) Suck it Hancock - Speaking of superhero movies (which is just about all we do these days), Woody Harrelson is on the cusp of a potential return to relevance given his role in Zombieland and this new Defendor trailer. The movie looks like a creative, inspired little indie riff on the superhero genre; a breath of unique flavor, which is what Hancock could have been if it was done right and what Kick Ass may still be. For now, this little flick looks pretty damn intriguing. Check it out:



3.) We all know someone who loved Boondock Saints - That or YOU are the person who loved Boondock Saints, a somewhat clever, mostly effed up and weird little indie action movie that some people flipped their nuts for. Personally, I thought it was just okay. I watched it once and then went right on living my life. Other people practically started a religion out of it, which is why so many years later we have Boondock Saints 2, in which we can only hope that harm befalls others thanks to a toilet and Willem DeFoe's transsexual freakouts. Seriously, ask yourself why you loved that first movie if you did. My favorite tweet on the release of this IGN exclusive trailer was from Drew McWeeney at Hitfix: "What bet did they lose?"



4.) 3D can't be stopped - When suits find a way to make more money doing something they're already doing, you can probably be assured that they're going to do that, whether it's a good idea or not. Apparently, rumor has it they are retro-fitting Iron Man 2, which was not shot in 3D, to have some 3D scenes. They did the same thing with the Toy Story movies that they're re-releasing this fall and this is apparently going to become the norm. Why? Because they can charge you more for 3D movies. Really, that's it. I'm not saying that it can't deeply enrich a movie's experience, like it did with Up, but when it's not a part of the creative process and you just go back and shoehorn it in...well, being shoehorny is never a good thing. At the end of the day, this probably isn't all that significant, but it does represent a simple truth: 3D is taking over and you can't do shit about it.

5.) Me from 5-7 years ago just got really aroused - Used to be that there weren't no two hotter hotties than Dominique Swain (Lolita) and Shannyn Sossamon (A Knight's Tale). Mmmm, mmm were they smokin' hot. Now, Swain's been doing God knows what, and Sossamon's last role was a brief spot in Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang. I should point out, they're still very attractive women and they have joined forces for Road to Nowhere, a noirish romantic thriller in which Sossamon plays the femme fatale lead role. If we're being honest with each other, this is likely going direct to video. Still, given how much my blood pressure would have risen 5-7 years ago at this pairing (think Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis...actually don't if you're at work), I had to at least mention it.

Like ill-prepared Mexican food...WE'RE BACK!

In what I can only assume is the opening salvo in the impending and inevitable war in which the machines kill each and every one of us, The Reader's server went all Hal on us for a few days there and turned this blog into something that was updated as infrequently as Mischa Barton's IMDB page. I wasn't at the office for the resolution, which I assume ended in a standoff with the server on one side of the room and a brave soul holding a blowtorch next to an iPod declaring "Turn it back on or I'll do it, you metal son of a bitch, I'LL DO IT!" Point is, we are back and more Australian than ever. This is what counts as an apology for my absence, I'd send flowers but I'm not a wuss.

As luck, fate, and divine intervention would have it, Thursday is the day that I peek inside my "junk drawer," which is a clever construct in which I hit a bunch of news blurbs of interest all at once. Let's recap all of the fun news that you would have gotten sooner if the R2D2-lookin' compu-asshole hadn't decided to wonk out.

• Some chick from Twilight I've never heard of is not going to continue being in Twilight and is somehow acting as though she wasn't just spared from a firing squad. Her name is Rachel Lefevre (her last name is French for "Favre"), and she looks like this (thanks to Slashfilm.com for the image):
I could walk past her in a grocery store without noticing. Anyhoodle, she was replaced by Bryce Dallas Howard, a much hotter and more well-known actress (and fruit of Opie's loins), in a move summed up by someone on Twitter (I forget who, it was DAYS ago now) who noted that between Spiderman 3, Terminator 4, and Twilight 3, Howard has really earned her high-school reputation of "girl with worst taste in sequels." What makes this story "interesting" (those were sarcasm quotes) is that the lovely redhead above wasn't so much told by Summit that she was being dumped. This is not the first dick move from the studio, who dumped Catherine Hardwicke after her first directorial effort, as though it were her fault that the Twilight series has all the intellectual integrity of a shitty episode of "Dora the Explorer." Every time you think that this franchise can't sink lower, it manages to abase itself further. Next up: Jennifer Love Hewitt is honestly actively seeking a part. I say do it.

• Everyone is peeing their pants over this new Coen Brothers trailer. That includes ol' soggy-pants Ryan
  
• You can't see the Iron Man 2 footage they showed at the San Diego Comic Convention, but you can see a re-enactment that is hilarious.
  
• Not totally geeked for the geek-out-geekfest that is the new Tron movie? Here's the theme for it performed by Daft Punk, who is scoring the film and touring in support of it. Suck some techno, fools.
  
  Tron Legacy Theme by tuxboard
  
  
• Universal is doing The Lorax as a 3D animated feature. It has subtle themes of environmentalism, if you think Kathy Griffen is subtle. I am actually really looking forward to this. They should totally get Al Gore to do the voice.
• Devin at Chud.com like GI: Joe. I have now slid this movie up a notch on my anticipation scale from "Hey what smells so bad? Oh, God, it's what I'm eating!" to "I'm not sure if this hurts or feels good."

That's it for now. I guarantee there was more I missed, but blame the evil machines for me missing it. It feels so good to be back.