Quick clips for Thursday July 31

Now's the time for your "superhero who pees miracles" pitch

Having watched Marvel Studios march off with "lesser properties," only to see those "lesser properties" like Iron Man stomp on Hancock's Hancock, Sony Pictures wants back in the superhero business big time. Maybe it's because 6 of the studio's top 10 grossing movies are superhero or comic book properties (yes, there is a difference and no, I won't explain it to you) or maybe it's because The Dark Knight has accumulated enough jack to right the economy with proper reinvestments (save us, Warner Brothers, you're our only hope), but either way the studio's boner for box office is leading them to explore a Venom spinoff, one of the few remaining properties they have access to. According to the Hollywood Reporter, Joker-envy is behind the resurgence of the long-considered-dead project, which was long considered dead because A.) the character's appearance in Spider-man 3 really, really sucked and B.) the character of Venom kinda sucks all on its own (and that's coming from a guy who owns like a billion Spider-man comics...well, not a billion, that would be ridiculous, just 20 boxes full). Topher Grace will likely be replaced by someone more popular, so look for Miley Cyrus as Venom...actually, if they cast her, I'm totally there. Oh, who am I kidding, we all know I'm there either way. Damn you, Sony, damn you to hell.

If you aren't Juno, you're dead to us

In really depressing news (hey, I waited until Thursday and didn't poop on you mid-week), the Hollywood Reporter did a story about how nobody wants to touch indie movies unless they come with free publicity, a former-stripper-turned-screenwriter, or contractually obligated Oscar nominations. While we can all understand Obtuse McGee's 4-hour documentary opus on the mating habits of gerbils to have a hard time finding a home, could you have guessed that, after fairly warm responses at the Cannes festival, Oscar-winner Charlie Kaufman's Synecdoche, New York to take months to find a distributor and that Oscar-winner Steven Soderbergh's Che (starring Benicio Del Toro) would still not have a home? Indie films are in the shitter, despite Juno's incredible triumph last year. Why? Some people try to point to the economy, which is crap because the box office remains hot. Others suggest that it's just burnout, with so many indies having been given a chance recently. Oh yes, by all means, blame the fact that we've had TOO MANY choices for independent thought and creative films. The real reason is simple: if studios can pass on "risky" films and only greenlight, I don't know, Beverly Hills Chihuahua (which will make money, by the way), there's no incentive for them to try. Nobody watches the Oscars anymore and, say what you will about that ceremony, at least its popularity used to keep some studios more honest (even if that was based on their desire to win gold). Point is, there's always something you can do: watch independent movies. Shocking, I know. DVD is a safe haven for most of these places, so seek out cool indie fare at your rental store or on Netflix and let some other muthersucker rent Harold and Kumar Make the Same Joke for Another Hour and a Half.

Consuming movie spoilers is safer than consuming spoiled anything else

My favorite movie Web site, Chud always has clever takes on things (even if I disagree sometimes) and generally behaves as I myself would like to behave. Recently, one of the guys on that site discovered a potentially gigantic spoiler about the upcoming Terminator film, which I believe is called Terminator: Oh, we gonna ride this pony until she stops with the cash. The spoiler is just catastrophically huge, we're talking "he's a ghost the whole time," "it's really a dude," or "the talking spider dies in the end" kind of gigantic. He sat on it...until another site announced it, then he confirmed it. I get all of these decisions, even the one by the "other site" to run the spoiler in the first place. They gave appropriate warnings, so that no wayward visitor stepped in spoiler, but it got me thinking. Entertainment Weekly also had a piece about whether spoilers are evil outright or just mostly evil. On the one hand, I get the desire of people who want the information to get it. On the other, it does kinda suck that filmmakers have their load blown for them, taking all the powder out of their musket before they can fire it themselves. As we all know, the Internet is nothing more than a smut-laden tool of mental destruction and perhaps this extends to the movie world as well. I do know that the right kind of spoilers in the right hands just make things more interesting (such as the often carefully disclosed and obtuse information provided by the guys behind "Lost"), but I suppose I could do without them. So my real question is this: What does it say about you if you're the type of person who wants to read the spoiler? Are you a read-the-last-page kind of person? Does it suggest you demand instant gratification? Are you an asshole? I'm not sure. I do know that this is a question that will likely tell more about you than the "who would you save if you could only save one person" questions. So, ask around, and determine if you're secretly married to a spoiler-seeking spouse or a puritanical poo-poo head.

Quick Clips for Wednesday July 30

Third act-ccidents

I got a chance to check out Pineapple Express last night, and the good news is that it's pretty dadgum entertaining. The bad news is, much like an NPR fan's drunken evening at a Rush Limbaugh convention, it doesn't end well. Don't get me wrong, Seth Rogen issues a pretty strong declaration that he's the funniest movie actor of the moment (sorry Mr. Costner, Rogen is the intentionally funniest movie actor of the moment, my bad), and James Franco proves he's more than just the result of Green Goblin's seed.

I just wish that the now-mighty Judd Apatow comedy machine would introduce a little more quality assurance to its suddenly hyperactive assembly line. That is to say, someone needs to point out the defects, even if it isn't the popular thing to do. Having to work with word counts and space issues means that I often end up leaving things I find to be terribly amusing or important in the recycle bin (often because I'm the only one who finds such things amusing or important). Every single person in the screening I watched kind of hated the 20-minute action sequence at the end of Pineapple Express, and unless Apatow's crew surround themselves with sycophants, chances are this was mentioned to one of the producers. But those producers are Apatow and Rogen, meaning they likely dismissed these concerns because they thought it worked. They were very wrong.

Just like Hancock and I Am Legend and...other films that don't feature Will Smith that I can't think of right now, nothing is more traumatic to a moviegoer's psyche than a film with a terrible payoff, even a film with no real payoff is better...it's the difference between a cold shower and icing down your nether-regions. I know very few people are reading this blog right now, on account of the technologically challenged Reader behavior (what with not having a link on the site yet despite having a week's worth of blogs up), but I'm curious as to what movies others feel "gave ya the business" at the end, spoiling an otherwise fun time. Overall, I'm not dismissing Pineapple Express and will likely watch it again at some point...I'll just likely shield myself toward the end.

This only sounds like I hate Alicia Keys

Seriously, I actually don't mind her compared with most of her untalented semi-human colleagues in a genre I wish would die, die, die. Still, news that her and Jack White will team up to sing the theme song to Bond's latest Quantum of Solace isn't exactly news to my ears...mainly because I read it! Get it! I didn't hear it, I read it so... Anyway, I know that the shine was taken off the theme song singing when A-Ha did The Living Daylights and was permanently stained by Chris Cornell last time out, but still...Jack White and Alicia Keys. What were Elvis Costello and Bone Thugs N' Harmony busy? Why not get U2 to do it or someone, I don't know, RELEVANT like Kanye West or Jay-Z? Still, all is forgiven if the song explains what the hell a quantum of solace is and what drug will clear it up.

Daniel Radcliffe footage now featuring 100% less horse and schlong

We've almost done it people...we're almost through the Harry Potter gauntlet. I think it's cute that the teenaged-targeted Ann Rice lady who is writing those "Twilight" novels thinks she has a Cubs fan's chance of achieving a modicum of JK Rowling's success. Just a reminder to the tween-vampire lady, Rowling can actually buy you, have you stuffed and mounted, and turn you into a classy coffee table/conversation piece. The last Potter flick was the best, a trend that has continued since the dreadful first film all the way to the pretty-frakkin' awesome most recent one. Sure, the pattern of "Oh, no, Voldemort, we can't win....oh, wait, we kind of won but Voldemort will return stronger than ever" is getting old, but with only 3 films left (yes, that's right, 3 films because the last book will be split into two movies) I'm thinking Potter can stumble across the finish line before Hermione is cast as Al Pacino's love interest in something. Here's the latest trailer which, again, looks to be a slight rip-off of better films (cough, Lord of the Rings, cough) but nonetheless entertaining. You're gonna see it, so you may as well start getting excited.

Quick clips for Tuesday July 29

My vampire will totally kick your zombie's ass

As the anguished masses were forced for centuries to enjoy their peanut butter and chocolate separately before the candy messiahs that are Reece's Pieces were delivered from on high, so too have horror gourmets had to ingest their zombies and vampires from two different sources. That is, until news that "Last Blood," a comic available for free online here, will be turned into a movie. The comic sees vampires fighting to protect the few remaining humans against a zombie onslaught, so they can eat them later. It's your classic, "The enemy of my enemy still wants to gargle my hemoglobin" story. The film will be scripted by one of the writers of "Family Guy." I really hope the writer is the one who does the good jokes on the show and not the guy responsible for the other 95%. What? I determined this ratio after rewatching practically the entire series in-between Guerin pummeling me with her wholly unnecessary presence and intense trivia questions like "name the dad on the Simpsons whose first name ends in 'omer.' "

For the record, Steven Spielberg has made projects in his bathroom better than your movies

George Lucas, who went from nerd-daddy to geek pinata in the span of one poorly conceived Steppin Fetchit computer graphic, is now blaming Steven Spielberg for the condition of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, which I actually really liked so suck it. In an interview with the British mag Times Online, Lucas intimated that he was responsible for the well-received Indy films and that Spielberg and Harrison Ford were responsible for the less-positively received one (again, piss off, I loved it). Lucas also said that "Steven wasn't that enthusiastic" about the most recent flick and that the problem with another one is that "I'm in the future, Steven's in the past." A statement in direct opposition to his nostalgia for how the original films were made, and one that shows he still, after all these years, is completely oblivious to what makes his projects interesting in the first place. Moving into "the future" in a movie series about an adventurer in the 1940s and 50s is like making an undersea adventure set in Tuscon. With the latest Jones jaunt having made nearly three quarters of a billion dollars worldwide, pressure to do another one before Ford's depends have to be digitally removed will likely be overwhelming. Here's a thought, distract Lucas with a supposed public outcry for special editions of his prequel trilogy (who cares what he does to those things anyway) and urge him to find a new racial stereotype to parody in alien form while the talented folks make the next Indy movie. If that doesn't work, all we have left is to hope that the life-form that is his throat beard grows angry enough to kill him.

Why can't we let Alicia Keys just be mediocre at one thing?

One of the finest comic series I've ever read (and I read many...I'm not bragging, although I know it's impressive, I just wanted to make sure you knew I wasn't saying this after having read a "Peanuts" collection and several "Archie" books) is "Y: The Last Man." Touching, poignant, heartbreaking, and lots of other adjectives that should make you want to read it, "Y" is one of those transcendent pieces of fiction that really transports you to someplace else. Set in a world where all men but one have died in a giant plague, the comic follows Yorich Brown, a 20-something magician, as he searches for his girlfriend. Director DJ Caruso, who underwhelmed me with Disturbia but appears to be on track with Eagle Eye, is in charge of the movie adaptation, which will likely star his hetero life-partner Shia "No, I'm totally cool to drive" LaBeouf. Now comes word from movie blog UGO that the producer is considering Alicia Keys for the role of Agent 355, an idea that is second only to New Coke in terms of my disgust upon consumption. LaBeouf I can live with, but the thought of the Proactiv spokeswoman and middling R&B star taking on such a pivotal and nuanced role makes me more ill than the time I tried tofu candy. God forbid we find a black actress capable of the role, let's stick with singers. This could be the sort of special role that breaks a young black actress into the limelight, I'd hate to use it on Alicia freaking Keys.

Quick clips for Monday July 28

Box office, know thy master

Here's the estimated results of the weekend box office, which proves that I am blessed with only the most totally unusable and completely unimpressive talents.

1.) The Dark Knight - $75 million

As I ever-so-accurately predicted, this was the biggest 2nd weekend in the history of film, prompting many to conclude that The Batman's march to $300 million in 10 days signals a potential threat to Titanic's box office supremacy. It probably doesn't. $600 million is still quite a ways off and, although there aren't any major challenges ahead, the film could do amazing business and still come up $100 million short. If the film is sitting at $400 million within the next week to 10 days, it would be a more distinct possibility, but chances are things will start to die down soon. Or not. I'm very indecisive on Mondays.

2.) Step Brothers - $30 million

Okay, so I knew it would come in second and had it pegged at $25 million. This is because I figured friends would tell their friends how awful it was and not to see it. Turns out your friends hate you.

3.) Mamma Mia! - $17 million

Another 100% accurate prediction, Mamma Mia! has its eyes set on becoming the most successful movie musical ever. Right now, it has Hairspray slightly outpaced, but Hairspray still has John Travolta in a fat suit making out with Christopher Walken and even the power of ABBA may not be enough.

4.) X-Files: I Want to Believe - $10 million

Again, right placement (fourth) but I had it figured for another $5 million, which would have made it only a colossal flop instead of one of the single biggest flops of the year. Remember Speed Racer? This will do worse than that. How bad do you have to feel if you're unfavorably compared to a film with a monkey that causes epilepsy?

5.) Journey to the Center of the Earth - $9 million

I had a feeling this would place fifth above Hancock, although I was off a paltry $2 million. I guess the inflated 3D prices took it from the $7 million I predicted to the $9 million it did. Yeah, that's the ticket. If Brandon Fraser doesn't watch it, he could end up having the biggest summer of any movie star next to the Bat-people (when you factor in The Mummy 3: It's Rainin' Mummies)

Tune in next week when we see what kind of a challenge The Mummy 3 will be to Batman's claim to the box office throne. I'll leave the speculation of whether Batman could take down an undead Jet Li to those nerds who have algorithms for such things.

Hey, you know what would be fun? Another strike!

The Hollywood Reporter is...reporting on Hollywood...that is to say it details the latest struggles between the producers AMPTP (which is an acronym for callous douchebags) and the SAG (which is an acronym for overpaid whiny-babies). To be fair, the SAG does front little guys like bit actors and whatnot and the AMPTP is almost exclusively rich mothertruckers who poop $100 bills and eat caviar popsicles. Still, this is different than the strike between the writers and the AMPTP. See, the writers were unanimous, whereas the actors aren't. The rival actors union, AFTRA, struck a deal with the AMPTP already. The AFTRA/AMPTP legislation, hailed as a landmark by proponents of alphabet soup, seems to be good enough for most SAG members, to the point where some of them are attempting to overthrow their dark overseers. The reason you should pay attention to this is two-fold. Number one: Right now, there ain't a whole lot of new movies getting made. Fear of a strike is causing a holding pattern worse than O'Hare airport on "free airplane ride" day. Number two: TV shows haven't been affected...yet. If another big strike hits, it will cause another HUGE rift in the TV season, likely killing some shows outright. Since most of these shows are among my favorites, look for me to fly to California and help out with the negotiations. And by help out I mean call both sides dirty names until I've broken their will.

Sign of the apocalypse number 243: I'm looking forward to the Robocop sequel

MGM announced that Darren Aronofsky (The Fountain, Requiem for a Dream) will write and direct the next Robocop movie. This is the equivalent of the sadly deceased Stanley Kubrick helming the third Alien Vs Predator movie. I have no doubt in my mind that Aronofsky will find a way to do something cool with a premise that has been so thoroughly run into the ground, but I am at a total loss as to what this film will possibly look like. Given the bleak nature of his previous work, I imagine Robocop will attempt suicide somewhere in the first act and, by the film's end, will have discovered that life is impossibly cruel even for a half-robot half-man justice dispenser. I look forward to news that There Will Be Blood director Paul Thomas Anderson is directing the Thundercats movie.

Friday Free-For-All

Step-Brothers will satisfy your Will Ferrell scrotum curiosity

Look for my full review in Thursday's edition of The Reader, but here's a quick suggestion for those thinking about seeing Step-Brothers: Don't. Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly, who were actually funny together in Talladega Nights, prove that too much of a good thing can make you want to die inside. Director Adam McKay refuses to reign in the improvising, which means scenes that would be amusing for a minute are stretched into 10 minutes of comedy-free discomfort. Moreover, with absolutely no plot, no likable characters, no technical moviemaking skills and way, way, way too much of Ferrell's breeding bag, the whole thing feels like a homemade movie crafted by two kids who just learned how to curse. It's more amusing than Semi-Pro, but so are most war crime tribunals. I don't want to settle on an official grade for the movie yet, but something tells me that the first few letters of the alphabet can go ahead and take the weekend off.

Weekend battle plan - Have you heard about this Dark Knight movie?

In an effort to try new things, we'll try to post suggestions for weekend film consumption every Friday based on things we've already seen. What I'm saying is, two people shouldn't have to see X-Files: I Want to Believe.

In theaters - Yeah, chances are you'll either see Batman again or for the first time if the line of nerds dressed in leather and clown paint scared you away last weekend. Oh, and just so you know, if anyone shows up dressed in murder-clown face paint this weekend, it isn't for the Batman premiere and you have full permission to call the authorities. That said, if you aren't going to see or re-see The Bat, avoid Step-Brothers and X-Files. Give Hellboy 2 some more love, it really deserves it. You won't find a more visually entertaining film all summer (yeah, Batman's pretty but Hellboy is pretty to look at without making you want to pee with fear). Oh, and your mom will go ga-ga for Mamma Mia! So earn some brownie points with that.

To recap: See The Dark Knight, Hellboy 2 and Mamma Mia! and avoid Step-Brothers and X-Files.

On DVD: Rent or buy Spaced, the funniest British thing on television since the Margaret Thatcher Wacky Fun-Time Hour. Also, 21 isn't bad, but you can do better.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Another weekly offering will see me taking a stab at weekend totals for the top 5 flicks. If I'm right, I win a pony. If I'm wrong, the pony dies. No pressure.

1. The Dark Knight - $75 million

A 50% drop would be incredible, but I think it could do even better. I wouldn't be surprised if it did in the neighborhood of 80-90 million, but I'm a Spider-man fan, so I won't give Batman the satisfaction of that prediction. This flick has an outside (and I do mean outside) chance at beating Titanic's $600 million tally. After this weekend, it should be over $300 million with very little competition in the coming months to challenge it. If the heat doesn't burn off too fast, it could become at least the second-highest grosser ever (right now that's Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope with $435 million). It's outpacing Pirates of the Caribbean 2 by nearly $40 million at this point, notable because that film ended up past $415 million and is the 6th highest grossing film of all time. What I'm trying to say is, Warner Brothers is raking in so much money, they can actually afford to gas up the batmobile.

2. Step-Brothers - $25 million

I warned you. Just remember that. I warned you.

3. Mamma Mia! - $17 million

Meryl Streep is an unstoppable juggernaut who will scissor-kick you in the face if you don't take your mom to see this movie. In the name of ABBA, this film will continue to rake in the dough.

4. X-Files: I Want to Believe - $15 million

I want things too, X-Files, but we don't always get our way. Turns out, making a movie based on a TV show that's been off the air for the decade isn't a safe financial bet.

5. Journey to the Center of the Earth - $7 million

It was a fight between Hancock and Journey to see who grabbed the fifth spot. I couldn't bring myself to care, so I picked the one that didn't feature a head-in-the-ass joke.

That's all for this week gang, see you next week for more shenanigans and tomfoolery.

Quick clips for Thursday July 24

OK, but only if Mariah Carey plays Dr. Frank-N-Furter

I'm not one of those people who are all tingly-woo about Rocky Horror Picture Show. I've been told that if I go to one of the interactive midnight screenings, I'll change my mind. Then again, some of these same people also tried to convince me Dane Cook was funny. At any rate, MTV is ready to breathe some contemporary funk (I'm referring to the smell, not the genre of music) into a remake of the cult classic. According to Variety, the film will use the original script but will also incorporate "music not featured in the original," which is a fancy way of saying we're in for Ne-Yo's R&B sensation "You Know What, I Think That Is a Dude." All I'm saying is that they had better find a place for Meatloaf. Lord help them if they dis the loaf.

Return to Whore Island

In a move that doesn't inspire confidence in Step-Brothers (which I see tonight), Entertainment Weekly reports that Will Ferrell and Adam McKay have announced plans to develop Anchorman 2. While we've all longed to see how Ron Burgandy would fare in the 1980s (and dreamed of Paul Rudd donning more Sex Panther...just me? okay), the fact that this news just happened to drop before the remarkably under-hyped Step-Brothers is the Hollywood equivalent of "Pay no attention to the direct-to-TBS comedy that's coming out tomorrow." Having laid a big-ole stinky egg with Semi-Pro, dropping another turd in America's cinematic toilet would make Ferrell only two degrees less desperate for a hit than Jim Carrey. For an in-depth look at the stank of desperation currently wafting around former "SNL" actors, check out Lowbrow Low Blow. Mmmm, I love the smell of shameless self-cross-referencing in the morning.

A little pee came out

Part of the fun of this blogging experience is covering stuff that wouldn't fit into the confines of The Reader proper, which isn't to say The Reader is proper because most of us have the manners of a drunken muskrat. At any rate, my wife and I have been watching all of "Alias" on DVD, which makes us sound incredibly pathetic...but hold on, it's my second time watching it all, which means I officially exceed incredibly pathetic and enter "supremely pathetic," a realm formerly occupied only by people who wear T-shirts that say things like "I got out of bed for this?" or "Who bought tickets to the gun show?"

At any rate, I partially engaged in this second viewing of Jennifer Garner's breakout hit (sorry, that should read only hit, not breakout) because I wanted to see how well it held together knowing how it ended. People bitched incessantly (the best kind of bitching) about the 4th season, which did kind of suck upon second watching but also recovered in the second half of the season. The other reason I agreed to watch some 105 episodes of a TV show again was because (beyond being really frakking good) "Alias" has some of the most incredible twists and turns ever and there are few things I enjoy as much as watching someone react to an awesome twist I know is coming (yes, I'm sure there's some kind of Freudian power trip going on there, but focus on the subject at hand).

So last night, after watching 4 seasons (nearly 100 hours), we finally got to the moment I had been waiting for my wife to see. As I sat there, waiting for the shock to set in, I began to doubt...could any reaction possibly be enough to reward this time investment? I'm here to say, yes...oh, dear God yes. As the shocking moment occurred, my wife screamed...not a yelp, not a yip, a full-on worry-that-the-neighbors-think-I'm-going-Christian-Bale-on-her yodel. She flew backward, covering her mouth and rocking back and forth, whimpering. Now that, ladies and gentleman, is a reaction.

I write this for two reasons: First, I wonder how many of you out there get that same sick pleasure in rewatching something with someone to see their reaction (laughter, shock, whatever). Second, I really want people to discover again how good "Alias" was because it was really, really, really good. So there's a pull quote for you to go out and Netflix "Alias," "So shocking, I think it made my wife pee a little."

Quick Clips for Wednesday July 23

You need some Spaced

Simon Pegg is one of the three British people my wife claims to love (the other two are Hugh Grant and some girl with an accent from the Obama campaign who called her the other day). Although most people fell for Pegg in Shaun of the Dead, the funniest film to ever feature cannibalism (which is weird because cannibalism is inherently hilarious), he first demonstrated his hilarity capability in the BBC series Spaced, which is the funniest straight-up sit-com I've ever seen. After years of begging, a nearly disastrous and thankfully scuttled American remake (which would have been helmed by McG...shudder), and more critical praise than a certain movie featuring a leather-clad mom beater (sorry Christian, alleged mom beater), Spaced is finally available for purchase here in the US of A. No need to rent it, just buy it outright then come back here and tell me how awesome it is.

In my day, they waited to adapt comics until after they came out

Rob Liefeld, who is to comic book artists what Carrot Top is to comedians, has had his latest as-of-yet unpublished comic "Capeshooters" optioned by Warner Bros, who must be high on bat-fumes to option a comic created by a man whose best idea to this point has been his semi-retirement. According to The Hollywood Reporter, the film will follow slackers (uh oh, I thought Judd Apatow had a copyright on the slacker character) who videotape superheroes and end up on the run after they determine a good guy is actually a bad guy. Sort of like YouTube meets Spider-man (see, I can do Hollywood pitch meetings). Brian Singer, who did what Lex Luther couldn't do by defiling Superman, is slated to direct, but that will likely change after his long-gestating, rumored-to-be-God-awful Valkyrie finally comes out. Why? Because Tom Cruise will likely scream "By the power of Xenu" and rip him in half.

I have two digits I'd like to present to Disney

In what can only be described as the single most irritating thing since horse-hair underwear, Disney has opted to punt Ebert & Roeper At the Movies. Sure, Richard Roeper has been begging for a kick in the pants so relentlessly I've often thought about driving to Chicago and obliging him, but Roger Ebert is the Godfather of movie critics. He's literally the reason I started doing this. I know Leonard Maltin's beard is technically the oldest movie critic in the country and people have long worshipped at the afro of Gene Shalit, but Ebert's thumb is the single greatest critical body part in the history of criticism! Variety is reporting that E! blogger Ben Lyons and Ben Mankiewicz are the replacements for Ebert and his partner, but Ebert and Gene Siskel trademarked the phrase "Two Thumbs Up," leaving Disney the choice of accepting my proposed replacement only two fingers away.

Because you can't get enough Batman

The wonderful Jon Tvrdik reivewed the new bat-flick in The Reader this week. That said, having seen the IMAX-tastic non-nippled return of the leather fetishist, I can't help but pen my own, nonsanctioned, nonspoilerific review...that's right, I am as the Ronin, I serve no master with this one.

Drink the Kool-Aid
The Dark Knight actually is that good

I'm disappointed.

The Dark Knight didn't do my taxes or help me lose five pounds, Heath Ledger's performance was not accompanied by a choir of angels humming "Hallelujah" (the Leonard Cohen version or the hymn) and, despite the assurances of almost all critics who attended advance screenings, the whole thing could not be favorably compared to a perfect sexual experience. As it turns out, The Dark Knight was simply incredibly good, which actually makes it somewhat of a disappointment in light of advance praise that would make Donald Trump's hype-mongering appear restrained.

Let's take a step back and deal with the quote-whoring Peter Travers, the League of Fanboys on the Internet (who likely wear costumes only slightly less effeminant than Lex Luthor's purple leotard) and the wave of usually intelligent and reserved critical masses. See, what happened here is that, despite claiming to be open-minded and having given decent-to-great reviews for several comic book films, most of the critics simply hadn't experienced the true genius of the genre before. They weren't weaned on "Watchmen," suckled on "Sandman" or fed Frank Miller. A part of them still believed that the genre was beneath them; they believed that, at best, superhero movies were well-done mass entertainment, pleasing brain candy, diversionary fare and nothing more. What happened here is that Christopher Nolan kicked them so hard in the baby-makin' parts that they ruptured their hyperbole spleen. The long and short of it is, no movie could stand toe-to-toe with the Muhammed Ali-esque descriptors dished out by these guys and not get TKO'd.

That's an awfully long disclaimer to get to the meat-and-potatoes of it all. Simply put, The Dark Knight is hands-down the best film of the year so far but not for the reasons that the aforementioned praise mongers have given.The film opens shortly after the conclusion of Batman Begins, with crime having receded in Gotham City thanks to the presence of a certain leather-clad dude (no, not Paul Stanley). Batman (Christian Bale) has made in-roads in the fight against the mob, with Falcone (Tom Wilkinson) still in Arkham Asylum, the streets are now run by Salvatore Maroni (Eric Roberts) and other second-tier gangsters. Sensing an opening, Batman and now-Lieutenant Gordon (Gary Oldman) hatch a plan to hit the gangsters in their pocketbooks, attacking the banks where they stash their money (first Indymac, now this...not a banner week for banking in America). Meanwhile, a violent anarchist dressed like a clown who calls himself The Joker (Ledger) is stealing the money before Batman or the cops can track it.

Frightened, the gangsters cough up their cash to Lau (Chin Han), a crooked businessman who takes the money from the banks to his place in Hong Kong. Without the money or Lau's testimony, noble new District Attorney Harvey Dent (Aaron Eckhart) is using his hands to paddle up a certain poo-infested stream. Thankfully, Wayne Enterprises front-man Lucius Fox (Morgan Freeman) has been working with Lau's front company and can locate him in Hong Kong, allowing for some hot Bat-in-China action.

On the home front, Bruce Wayne's codpiece is still dedicated solely to the lovely Rachel Dawes (Maggie Gyllenhaal), who won't touch his bat-pole until he's done with the whole superhero schtick. Despite the insistence of his loyal man-servant Alfred (Michael Caine) that doing what's needed requires sacrifice, Wayne sees an opening with Dent. The way he figures it, if Dent is the noble public face that can inspire Gotham to greatness, what do they need of Batman's overt sadomasochism? Problem is, the Joker figures this out too, and his desire to unravel what has been perfectly raveled leads the three men into a menage-a-tois of psychological torture that results in disfigurements, destruction and death.

If it sounds like a long plot, don't worry, it has more than 2 and a half hours to get it all done. Normally, this is the part in the review where the word bloating comes up, where I prescribe some movie Midol in the form of editing to help with the water weight. Not here. Writer/director Christopher Nolan and his brother Jonathon managed to compose a film that was exactly as long as it needed to be. Many reviewers have praised this film as the Godfather II or Empire Strikes Back of superhero movies. It isn't. It's too terrifying, too relentless. Nolan himself likened it to Jaws, with Ledger as the toothy antagonist. That's a bit closer, but still an imperfect comparison. The truth is, there hasn't been a film quite like The Dark Knight, which uses a deceptively powerful score from Hans Zimmer and James Newton Howard (who have been relentlessly unimpressive in recent memory) to cause 150 plus minutes of pure tension.

The obvious culprit for the perpetual fear induction is Ledger, who is worthy of nearly half of his posthumous praise. Sure, that may not sound like much, but considering every review has mentioned that he is an Oscar nominee shoo-in and some have even called it one of the best performances in the annals of film, half-worthy translates to simply fantastic. The key is that Ledger never overdoes the verbal tics, maniacal laughter or insanity. In fact, his only mannerism is perpetual lip licking, his laughter is a perfectly sinister giggle and he is quite sane, just depraved. Nolan's best move was not providing a backstory for the Joker, allowing the character to spit lie after lie about how he got those scars and why he is how he is. The most depressing answer is the one provided: who knows?

All other performances are almost as splendid. Caine, Freeman and Gyllenhaal all shine in their limited roles, while Eckhart plays a second fiddle to Ledger with dreams of first. The only disappointment is Bale, who once again exposes the inferiority of the character of Batman to heroes like Spiderman. Dress him up how you want, the Bat is pretty one-dimensional. Moreover, Bale's bat-growl seems slightly sillier here, his costume still gives him a fat head, his Wayne is a little too callous and stupid and he just isn't as appealing as his villains, never has been.

Visually, in IMAX in particular, the film is such a ridiculous leap from the first that it is as though a different director climbed behind camera. The whole perspective of the film is from the top looking down, with nearly every shot swooping from above. The action scenes are a far cry from the chop-suey ones in the first flick, with each punch landing with thudding brutality. If you're in a theater with the bowel-quaking sound, you will actually feel the mastery of the fisticuffs. The bat-gadgets remain marginally plausible and provide for spectacular practical effects. I cannot stress this enough: If IMAX is an option, exercise that option.

But, despite the fluffy praise they've been given, it isn't the performances or the visuals that make the film what it is. The script is so jam-packed with nuanced philosophies and moral conundrums, the dialogue is so beautiful in its plausible simplicity and the plot is so admirably linear and lean that the writing flat-out steals the show. Obvious references to post 9/11 policies, brilliant dilemmas about the difference between heroism and public service, truly impossible relationship issues and a relentless pattern of spectacular events all mesh in a way that is truly exemplary. The best moment, the one I can't speak of directly, allows the Joker to place Batman in a position to expose himself as truly selfish, demonstrating that he really isn't all the things he claims to be. Really, this is all the Joker wants in the first place; he isn't insane so much as he is hyper-sane, he is so reflective he believes he has figured out the soul of every person. In truth, he outsmarts every single character in the film.

The Dark Knight is a classic and it is easy to see how quickly others have fallen in love with it. I'm going to check out a non-IMAX screening before I render my final, life-long verdict on the matter, but hyperbole be damned, one thing is for sure: If this isn't the best comic book adaptation of all time, it's at least one of them.

Grade - A+