Friday Free-For-All

Superbore

Those who know me know that I think Superman is a dill-hole. Were I given the opportunity, I may, in fact, tug on his cape and inform him that, to me, he holds all the appeal of a documentary on tire inflation. At least 99.99% of his appearances are downright bore-tastic, allowing only for Grant Morrison's recent run on "All-Star Superman," which went in an awesome sci-fi direction and (most importantly) weakened the character, and the novel "It's Superman!," which was a semi-satirical and totally original take on the character (who was, you guessed it, much weaker). The problem to me, a guy who has "made mine Marvel" for ages, is that I can't relate to a guy who is a literal alien; cannot be harmed in any way by anything save for one green rock; and can fly, can run fast, has impossible strength, can shoot heat from his eyes and ice from his breath, and can probably create black holes with his flatulence. He's boring in his impossible perfection. This is a long way of getting to Empire's conversation with Mark Millar, who is under the delusion that someone cares what he thinks about the next Superman movie. He basically says that he's trying to get a simultaneously shot trilogy that would be released in three consecutive years (like Lord of the Rings) and would follow the entire lifespan of Superman from being the last surviving son of Krypton to being the last surviving son of Earth. It would span centuries and would zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Sorry, nodded off there. What Millar doesn't understand is (A) that sounds really, really boring; (B) nobody is going to greenlight a trilogy of Superman than ends with his death; (C) WE DON'T NEED ANOTHER ORIGIN STORY FOR SUPERMAN. Seriously, come on people, who doesn't know the origin of Superman? Anybody? There are Aborigines in Australia who have never seen the modern world before who know his story. If not, watch as I do it in 20 words or less: When planet Krypton exploded, a baby was sent to earth, where he developed powers thanks to the yellow sun. The end. IF you HAVE to do another Superman movie, forget the boring-ass origin and get to the action. Read Morrison's "All-Star Superman" and tell me why THAT isn't being developed RIGHT NOW. Millar, I love you dude, but come the eff on.

Weekend Battle Plan: Come on, you know you love pornography

I went on and on about my affection for Kevin Smith in a post not too long ago, so I wont rehash it. Sufficed to say that I love the big guy and think that Zack and Miri Make a Porno represents perhaps the best chance for him to begin the second stage of his career, whereby he shrugs off the chains he put on himself by wedging his expansive posterior into a repetitive machine capable of only producing predictable results. Working with a guy like Rogen, who fits Smith's mold but also allows him to be challenged a bit, means that the writer/director will be forced to shake his patterns up. I'm hoping that the overwhelmingly positive response will encourage Smith to continue down that road, until he finally seizes the immense talent he has yet to explore. Whew, now that the serious shiznit is over, let's talk about the crap that's gettin' dumped this week: The Haunting of Molly Hartley (girl's parents sell her soul to the devil to save her life, when she turns 18 the debt comes due) looks as appetizing as a caramel-flavored enema, RockNRolla (Guy Ritchie's latest Snatch rehash) was interesting the first 3 times Guy Ritchie made this same movie, and The Changeling (Angelina Jolie as a mom whose kid is stolen and the one returned by police isn't hers) is getting awful reviews because it looks awful. So, your options seem pretty obvious (unless you're into the whole caramel enema thing).

That's my recommendation: See Zack and Miri Make a Porno, you know you want to.

On DVD: Wow, crappy week for new DVD, so let's talk about classic horror movies to check out. When I was a kid during Halloween, MTV used to run this series of clips from horror movies that featured interviews with luminaries like John Carpenter and Sam Raimi (and many others). I remember watching the "possessed hand" scene from Evil Dead 2 and laughing like crazy...before watching clips of The Shining and wanting to cry. Horror is an overlooked genre that gets crapped on because the execs dump out doo-doo like Saw V. Use this weekend to rent something horror-oriented and good, like Hellraiser or 28 Days Later or the original Dawn of the Dead. You'll be glad you did.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

That music you hear playing isn't just my "We are the Champions" ringtone, it's me singing along with it. See, last week, I straight-up KILLED IT with my predictions, clocking in at a remarkable 84%, a B average only dreamed about by Republican presidential candidates (seriously, what's with McCain and Bush sporting a solid C-to-D average, that's a percentage more troubling than the amount of time they vote together). This week, we have a few new releases that are hard to peg but, by God, pegged they shall be! I should warn you now, this being the final weekend before the election, I'm going to be sweating bullets and anxiously awaiting the results (of the election, not the box office). That said, let's get predictin'.

Here's how I see it:

1.) High School Musical 3: Senior Year - $19 million

I want so badly for Smith to get the top spot, but I just don't think that can happen. This not being the summer, kids have had to wait to see the latest singing, dancing abomination until the weekend, which should keep the box office high enough to win the weekend. Rest assured, I'd rather be wrong and have this slip behind Zack and Miri (haha, get it "slip behind"), but I don't think it will.

2.) Zack and Miri Make a Porno - $17 million

I'm hoping I'm also shorting the dollar total on this one. No Kevin Smith movie has ever topped over the $50 million mark, and I'd sure like to see him do that with this one. He's a profitable director, always returning on his minimal investment. Still, I want a home run on this one. For the love of God people, I know you like pornography, now get out there and support it.

3.) Saw V - $12 million

It's Halloween, so I guess you could be forgiven for seeing a horror movie. I mean, I won't forgive you for seeing THIS horror movie but, in theory, it's acceptable. Also, if you see this, you're advocating Saw 12. Just saying.

4.) The Changeling - $10 million

I just can't see this doing incredibly well, there's no good buzz around it, it looks terrible, and the main audience for this isn't likely to pack theaters in the first wide opening weekend. The older crowd is a slow burn, like hemorrhoids, but this looks to be all wet.

5.) The Haunting of Molly Hartley - $9 million

This is the true wild card of the weekend, with it being Halloween. I doubt it will do huge money, but it could do better than this. Once again, I feel confident with the top 5 but not with their order. Here's hoping I get a pleasant treat for Halloween.

Quick clips for Thursday October 30

As if this could happen without Sam Jackson

I'll admit a degree of ignorance here. I haven't seen the 1980s "classic" The Last Dragon, which is apparently about a guy who has to learn some Kung-Fu mojo called "The Glow" so he can save a beautiful singer from an obsessed music promoter (not shocking given that the film was produced by Motown's Berry Gordy). That said, the quickest way to get me interested in a remake is to inform me that one of the characters in it is named Sho'nuff, the Shogun of Harlem. Done. Sold. Should have seen it the first time out but I was 7, won't make the mistake again. Significantly watering down my enthusiasm is the involvement of the following:

1. Berry Gordy's son Kerry (leading me to speculate Kerry has a son named Larry and Larry will give birth to Gary...meanwhile, nobody gives a shit about Artemis Gordon), who will be producing
2. RZA
3. Sam Jackson as Sho'Nuff (although, to be fair, had the role been offered to anyone else, Jackson would have been filled with murder venom)
4. The guy who wrote Uncle P for Master P (I have virtually no idea what this means, but I don't like it)

Now, while I am almost 100% certain to seek out this DVD immediately, especially given the stills I have seen while searching for this today (afro+glowing hands=yes please can I have some more), this is one of those strange, strange projects that will flirt between intentionally awful and just downright awful and I'm not sure that the current aforementioned intellectual SWAT team is the right group to storm this particularly difficult remake meth den. Still, I have my non-glowing digits crossed.

Can I get a witness from the multiplexes?

During my formative teen years, when I was turning into the desirable man-stud I would become (and by desirable man-stud, I mean comic-collecting, movie reviewing blogger), there was, perhaps, no more pivotal literary text than "Preacher." No, I didn't say "a preacher," I'm referring to the incredibly awesome 70-issue series about a man of the cloth who loses his faith, gets possessed by the offspring of a demon and an angel (granting him the power of the "word of God," which allows him to force people to do anything he commands), meets an Irish vampire, runs into his ex-girlfriend who has turned into an assassin, and runs afoul of a secret religious organization led by a man so vile he has his own vomitorium. How this has not been made into a movie I simply cannot fathom. Well, after lots of high-school-style dry humping, the deal has finally been consummated and Sam Mendes ("Six Feet Under" and American Beauty) will be directing. Wow, nothing about that pairing makes any sense. "Preacher" involves a character called Arse-face, the ghost of John Wayne, and more cursing and vile behavior than most Web sites, so Mendes isn't an obvious choice. This doesn't mean I'm not stoked, he is more than capable of finding the right balance of what will work on screen and what will need to be left off (which makes me want to go back and re-read the series...which I just might). Anyway, this is good news in my book because even a crappy movie version is better than wondering forever what might have been. If they choose the right cast, this could be amazing. If they choose the wrong cast, I'm glad I can read.

I loved you once Gary Oldman

It sounds weird to say about a guy who was just in the second highest grossing film of, you know, all time, but Gary Oldman just isn't out there as much as he used to be (that's not referring to his mental state, which is likely still all tingly-woo). So it's cool that Variety reports that he's going to be starring opposite Denzel Washington in Book of Eli, the Hughes brothers return to directing. The film is post-apocalyptic (the coolest kind of post-anything), and follows a warrior who is trying to save society with learning...wait, what? A warrior wants to increase literacy? Is that really a job best suited for him? Is there a teacher somewhere slaughtering invaders? Anyway, Oldman is going to play the evil leader of a town who wants the book Eli is protecting. Now, I can get behind that part, so long as Oldman has the following guaranteed in his contract:

Some kind of bizarre physical condition (psoriasis, funky facial hair, one eye, etc)
An accent that makes no logical sense whatsoever
Yelling...lots and lots of yelling
If not yelling, he must be whispering
Spittle, ample amounts of flecks of saliva

If these conditions are met, we are likely to see one of those patented Oldman performances that used to get me all enthusiastic. Not that commissioner Gordon isn't a good role, but if they named him Captain Plot Exposition, it would be about the same.

Quick clips for Wednesday October 29

Finally, an actor who wants to sing

As the age-old human fallacy dictates, smart people want to be athletic, good looking people want to be smart, pro football players want to be basketball players (or ballroom dancers), and actors want to be musicians. Meanwhile, the guy in the back who smells like rancid feet and has an IQ that hovers around "should I put this in that electrical socket" will take anything. I mention this because Joaquin Pheonix, whose creepy demeanor should have prohibited his fame in the first place, has stated that he is "retiring" from acting to pursue his music career. Granted, his vocal stylings in Walk The Line weren't exactly Brosnian in their terribleness, they were quite good in fact. But hitting a jump shot in a pickup game doesn't mean you can drain threes with a 6' 8" guard in your face. This will likely be one of those cases where he puts out an album that flops (see: Scarlett Johannsson, Hayden Panitierre, Kevin Bacon, Bruce Willis, etc, etc) and then returns to acting by taking the first paycheck thrown at him. I rate the length of this "retirement" somewhere between Farve-ian and Jordan-ian (Ha! Jordanian refers to people from the country of Jordan! Isn't that a funny thing I just did there? No? Okay, still early in the morning.)

Relax, the man inside the can has a plan

I look forward to the Avengers movie (the one with Captain America, not the one with that British chick everybody horned over in the 60s) with a fever unparalleled since the last thing I looked forward to. So it's good news that the thing we all assumed, that Robert Downey Jr would be playing Iron Man in that film, has been confirmed. Moreover, Don "The Real Deadle" Cheadle is also going to show up in The Avengers as War Machine (despite having Dick Cheney's nickname, he's actually a good guy). Whether or not this is a cameo, it's interesting to hear that, reportedly, all big name stars signed for Marvel movies that are upcoming will have an "Avengers clause," which is the coolest clause ever (sorry Santa). Now listen, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but has anybody considered that Downey Jr will be in his 50s by the time the Iron Man trilogy and Avengers hoedown wraps up? That's pretty amazing for a superhero actor and almost guarantees that this is his only stint with the character. I'm not complaining, I love everything that's happening, I'm just pointing stuff out. Also, after watching a decent-but-not-great "SNL" this weekend, I'm convinced that Jon Hamm is PERFECT for Captain America. He just exudes the part. Mark my words, he'll be considered for the role and may just be damn perfect for it. For those who think that I think about these things way too often...I got nothing, you're probably right.

Ladies and gentlemen: The single most awful thing I've ever posted

The Jonas Brothers are apparently a popular band despite making what can best be described as mediocre-to-awful sounding music and looking like what happens if you put Zac Effron and an English sheepdog in Jeff Goldblum's Fly transporter. Fox, the studio that I have less respect for than any other on the grounds that the produce so many turds, is reportedly going to give the boy band the lead roles in Walter The Farting Dog to be directed by The Farrelly Brothers (The Heartbreak Kid) based on a screenplay from Aleck Sokolow and Joel Cohen (Evan Almighty and Daddy Day Camp). Wow. Just...wow. Let's take a second here and soak that all in. First, there's apparently a series of kids books named "Walter the Farting Dog." Wow. Second, The Farrelly Brothers directing the Jonas Brothers...I smell a marketing tie in with other brothers (Lehman maybe?). Third, the people who wrote Evan Almighty and Daddy Day Camp were not only not committed as human sacrifices to whatever unholy demon from whence they spawned, but continue to work, making more money than me and you, and likely me and you combined. Fourth, this is going to supposedly be a franchise. That means we may see Walter the Farting Dog 2. Did I mention that the word fart is in the title, because it is. Can't post anymore through the tears of laughter and sadness.

Quick Clips for Tuesday October 28

Right one Let In

Not to sound like Stephen Colbert, but I am about to claim victory on a crusade I never really waged solely because I'm so happy with the results. You'll remember (or not, I don't know what you're on these days) back when I mentioned Let The Right One In...really, you don't remember? Huh, oh, whatabout if I told you it was the emotionally complex Swedish preteen vampire movie? Yeah, hard to confuse that with any other films out there, isn't it? You never hear someone say, "Was that the emotionally complex Swedish preteen vampire movie?" At any rate, although I promised to launch a campaign the likes of which has only been seen by things that actually need campaigns, the best it got for me was mentioning to Casey Logan at Film Streams that I really, really wanted it to come. Well, guess what (actually, if you haven't guessed by now, this page just looks like a bunch of letters dancing around for no reason)?! Yes, that's right, the end of November (more details coming in the future) will bring Sweden's bloodsuckers to Omaha for what can only be described as the single best thing that has ever happened to me past birth, the Bears superbowl win in January of 1986, and the banana cream pie Blizzard from DQ. All joking aside, as soon as I started to hear the buzz that was forming for this film (and the fact that a US studio is already planning a remake), I just figured that Film Streams would be all over it, because that's how they do: Bringing the best into Omaha. I'm just happy this time the best involves angst-ridden fang-laden adolescents.

Why I hate Jessica Alba

Hint: It has nothing to do with her looks. The ostensible reason for me crafting this post is the news that Alba is doing An Invisible Sign of Her Own, which is an awful title but allows for easy jokes about how she's still the invisible woman in Fantastic Four. The problem I have with Alba is that she doesn't try. Seriously, I can handle someone without talent, you see famous people who are little more than pretty all the time (throw a rock in a Hollywood hotspot and you'll find a half dozen...they'll be the ones trying to shield their faces from the rock by using others as human shields). The problem is, much as I hate people who are both stupid and lazy (theorizing you can be one or the other, but not both), Alba is untalented and never makes an effort, either through her career moves (her latest being a romantic comedy) by challenging herself to actually act or within the awful pictures she selects (she just stands there, unwilling to even attempt emoting). I know she's beautiful, but she may be the least watchable actress I have ever seen in my life. That may be extreme words and, save for a Tara Reid here or there, I think I can safely protect this position. What say you silent blog readers? Who among the beautiful do you loathe? (We're talking celebrities, I don't want to hear about that girl in high school who you still have a mad-on for decades later.)

When things go too far, you get this

I don't know whether to blame the success of High School Musical 3, the studios' reckless desire for as many remakes as can possibly be attempted, or that damn 6-degrees game, but Zac Efron is remaking Footloose. Sure, this isn't a tragedy on the "Kevin Costner is Citizen Kane" scale but have you ever, I mean ever, heard of a more pointless and awful remake? Not that it was relevant when it was made decades ago but in what part of the country are you going to set this "you kids can't dance here" movie? Seriously, I know that there's a Fame remake going, and I'm not all that okay with that development either, but it makes more sense than hearing that Tiger Beat boy is going to be rocking out and ruining Kevin Bacon's shining moment. Hey, he's out of work these days too....why not have him play the John Lithgow role and oh my God I've just revealed that I know a lot about Footloose. Um, it's because my sister really liked it and...no, I don't know why I owned the soundtrack, I'm sure it was because...hey look, is that something over there by which you can be distracted?

Quick clips for Monday October 27

Signs it's a slow news day part one: I blog about a musical

I'm only speaking about this because (A) really, honest-to-God, there's nothing going on right now, as everybody has "election fever" (which involves a rash, profuse vomiting, and the belief that your candidate will win no matter what any poll says), (B) "Wicked" is coming to Omaha next year and my wife wants to go...so as soon as I figure which organ to sell, I'll get some tickets, and (C) I find it interesting to compare apples and oranges every once and a while because who doesn't like a good fruit salad with some marshmallows (but keep your coconut out of the salad...God help me if I find coconut in there). It was just revealed that Universal Pictures (who haven't cleared $250 million domestically with a movie since 2000 with How the Grinch Stole Christmas) has made more money from producing the musical "Wicked" than from the worldwide grosses of any of their films (including Jurassic Park). The stage musical has grossed $1.2 billion. Yowza! This could be due to the fact that purchasing tickets to the show feels an awful lot like getting mugged (without the intimacy of human contact), but still, this is really eye opening. Even if you figure that it costs slightly more than a movie to put on a show this regularly (which I'm not sure it does), this is highly lucrative and explains why Spiderman is headed to Broadway along with Shrek and others. We all know that copycatting is the only way that studios have survived (it will also likely be their downfall, when one studio begins lighting its own buildings on fire and all of Hollywood scrambles to commit arson), so are we in for more movie-to-stage musicals or is this just me wasting time on a Monday? (I think we all know the answer).

Signs it's a slow news day part two: I consider the Russian movie market

I think we should deputize the empty Hollywood suits and allow them to continue diplomatic relations because, so long as money is on the line, they could really care less what you look like or where you're from. Case in point, now that Russian theaters are set to rake in over $800 million this year (which, I believe in Russian money, is 1.5 billion rupees...wait, that's the money in "The Legend of Zelda"), a quick peek at the deals set up recently point to several interesting things. First, Paramount has announced a distribution deal with Moscow's Central Partnership, and Disney Russia (wait, what? Since when is there a Disney Russia? Does Comrade Mickey Mouse wear a funny fuzzy hat? Does Goofy go around invading former members of the Soviet Union?) has announced they are shooting the first local-language film, The Book of Masters. They also have their own version of High School Musical over there called It's the Music, which makes me laugh because, much like nuclear proliferation, the threat of a global tween invasion will keep us all in check. What interests me most about this stuff is the movies do seem to be the one cultural touchstone that circles the globe. Don't get me wrong, I know that censorship happens and whatnot, but I guess my point is that we laugh at celebrities who talk about issues as though they aren't the best recognized people from our country. I'd love to think that the Russian people would value Senator Joe Biden's foreign policy experience, but they'd likely listen to Denzel Washington's theories than good ole Joe the Senator. No matter the country, we all speak box office.

Weekend Box Office Results: WOOOO HOOOOO! I think I cleared the Mendoza line (with apologies to all Mendozas)!

Well, well, well, I may not have gotten things 100% accurate but the top 5 movies I predicted were all in the top 5! This makes me so happy I probably won't even lament the continued presence of the talking dog movie on this list. The reason this is particularly good news is (A) I don't have to jiggle the game at this point to figure a way to make me look better and (B) I get to feel like I know what I'm talking about for a whole week. Why, that news is good enough to make me forget about how I feel like a dump truck parked on my face while I slept (come to think of it, I assumed the beeping was from my next door neighbor robot but I suppose it could have been a truck). Let's get to it!

Here are the results:

1.) High School Musical 3: Senior Year - $42 million (Accuracy of prediction - 99%)

I don't even care that this wretched, awful monstrosity walked away with huge piles of cash, I knew that it would and it did very, very close to what I said. For the first time, that kid with the huge eyebrows is dreamy to me too! Look for this one to have pretty awful legs, collapsing in the next frame (but don't hold me to that...I'm not 100% sure and reserve the right to change everything).

2.) Saw V - $30.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 91%)

When I saw the Friday returns, I got nervous, because this posted like $16 million that first night...then all the freaks were sated and it dropped precipitously, which I appreciated. Now, for those asking "how can they keep making these movies" here's some knowledge for ya: The budget was under $11 million and it just made $30.5 opening weekend. Get ready for Saw VI-XLCVII.

3.) Max Payne - $7.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 84%)

Marky Mark hung in there okay, but this one is already fading fast. It will likely be profitable though, as the budget was only $35 million and many are waiting for DVD. I am greatly indifferent to this film, so I wish it neither success nor failure.

4.) Beverly Hills Chihuahua - $7 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

Please, please make this the last week I have to spell Chihuahua.

5.) Pride and Glory - $6 million (Accuracy of prediction - 55%)

I think both Collin Farrell and Ed Norton are thinking "at least that's over with." Now they can return to making movies that don't sound and look drrrrty.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 84%

That's a B average baby! That's good enough for Honor Roll! I'm sticking this one on the fridge.

Friday Free-For-All

Worst. Idea. Ever.

It's not every day that I go around tossing out phrases like "single worst concept for a film I've ever heard," but it's not every day that Variety reports Academy Award-winning director Steven Soderbergh will be filming a rock n' roll musical version of Cleopatra. No, I am not on a patented Syrek Robitussin Bender(TM), this is ab-so-lutely real, to the tune of a budget ($30 million) and a cast (Catherine Zeta-Jones as Cleopatra and Hugh Jackman as Marc Anthony). Sweet pancake flippin' Mary and butter-on-toast spreadin' Joseph, what is happening? I mean, this is the guy who did Traffic, who is releasing a 2-part epic on Che this coming winter...forget the Oscar, this guy is actually very talented. So...um, Steve...WTF? Here's the one, small saving grace: Although I hate Broadway musicals-turned-films with a passion I usually reserve for smiting those most in need of urgent smiting, I do actually enjoy the occasional made-for-movie musical. Things like Moulin Rouge are actually enjoyable, so I guess this flick MAY have some chance at not making me want to gouge my eyes out, but it sure sounds like it has a high fork tine-to-eye ratio. Wow, you know, some days you wake up and you just get smacked in the face with weird news. I got rock musical Cleopatra pied-in-the-face today.

Weekend Battle Plan: If you're over 18 and see High School Musical 3, you're officially a creeper

Imagine that you are given free passes to a buffet and told you can eat as much as you like, only to discover that your choices are rancid liverwurst, moldy broccoli, and Colin Farrell. Welcome to the weekend of October 24-26! Your choices are as follows: (1) High School Musical 3 also known as HSM3 also known as Things I Wouldn't Like Even if I Were in the Target Demo; (2) Pride and Glory, which sports the most generic title this side of an Ashley Judd movie (speaking of which, I'm organizing a search party with a potential for a candlelight vigil for Ash soon); and (3) Saw V or as I call it Hey Horror Fans, F#*K You, This is the Best You Get. Seriously, if these three wide releases were contestants on a dating show that I was hosting, it may turn into a half-hour discussion of the benefits of self-pleasure. Lordy, lordy, lordy I can't recommend any of that stuff. So, that leaves us in the precarious position of having to choose something already endorsed. I'm throwing my weight and endorsement behind W, which is the first and only time I have supported the worst US President since Henry Harrison (oooh, buuuurned Harrison with that one). Seriously, this is a great performance by Josh Brolin and a very compelling and fascinating film. Give it a chance.

That's my recommendation: W, if the real doofus can get 2 terms, the better fictional version can get 2 recommendations.

On DVD: The Incredible Hulk was better than it seemed by box office accounts. Yes, it's stupid, but the Hulk isn't a philosophic character. Ed Norton is decent (but not as good as he thinks he is) as Bruce Banner and Liv Tyler is still hot. Plus, it's got a lot of shout outs to the old TV show AND features Robert Downey Jr as Tony Stark in a cameo AND the alternate opening has a very quick shot of Captain America buried in ice. That sound you heard was the nerd trumpet. It soundeth for thee.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Okay, enough of this crap. As I've said before and I'll say again, I'm really trying here. I analyze data, use screen counts, explore similar films and so far, I've been bungled by the freakin' dog movie and can't nail down the 5th spot to save my life. Much like a goalie in hockey that's too tall and can't squat, I've got a 5 hole problem. I wish I could say I was more confident going into this week, but I'm not. I have no idea how the damn preteen dancing flick is going to play (seriously, you try multiplying the obsessed female tween fans by the number of boyfriends they can trick into going by the number of closeted and outed homosexual tweens, it's mind boggling), I have no idea if the damn dog movie is gonna do well again, and who knows if Max Payne will hold ANY of its audience. I'm lost. My guarantee - If I don't do well this week (in the 80% range), I'm changing the game somehow.

Here's how I see it (wrongly):

1.) High School Musical 3: Senior Year - $43 million

I'm going high, high, high on this one...because if I'm doing the math right in converting the number of cable viewers to audience members in theaters, this movie should do one billion dollars...so I cut that by a lot. Look, I don't know what kind of business this will do, as it is the first time a third installment of a series was the first one to hit theaters. The best I can do is guess or ask a tween, so I went with a blind guess.

2.) Saw V - $25 million

This sucks. I like good horror movies (a column on that is forthcoming in the print version next week), but I loathe the Saw series and its flag-bearing of the snuff core/torture porn movement. Where are the good or fun horror movies? Why are we content to watch this crap over and over and over again? HOW IS THERE A SAW V?!

3.) Pride and Glory - $9 million

Bounced around the schedule like a ping-pong ball on crack...or like Collin Farrell, this flick is destined for mediocrity. On the plus side, the groaner-of-a-cop flick Street Kings featuring Keanu Reeves did good money on DVD, so maybe Farrell DOES have a future!

4.) Max Payne - $8 million

So I have this great pitch for a movie: Marky Mark plays a crazed cop who deals with weird Norse mythology imagery and is paired with a wacky detective played by Steve Carrell who can't quite become a super spy. It could be Smart Payne or Max and Max or...

5.) Beverly Hills Chihuahua - $7 million

Don't you do it. Do you do it again.

Quick clips for Thursday October 23

I hope they're just going in alphabetical order

The only place in which director Ben Stiller logically follows director Steven Spielberg is during roll call at recess. And yet, The Hollywood Reporter is...reporting (arrggh, and I fought against that joke for so long...time to reset the "accident-free" clock back to zero) that Stiller is being sought by Dreamworks to helm The Trial of the Chicago 7, which is the retelling of the court case of the troublemakers at the 1968 Democratic National Convention. Oh, and the screenplay is by Aaron Sorkin, who has a black belt in ass-kicking dialogue. This project has been a hot potato, tossed from Spielberg to Paul Greengrass (the infinitely talented man behind United 93 and the last two Bourne movies) and now, apparently, to the guy who directed Zoolander. Look, I liked Tropic Thunder, quite a bit actually, but that readies a human to film a Sorkin script about as well as playing Madden '08 readies you to start at defensive back in the NFL (for any team other than the Chicago Bears, who will take you if you have mobility in all of your limbs). I'm not saying that Stiller doesn't have it in him to make a great movie, but this is a project that was courted by the best of the best, directors who have either touched Oscar or will one day do so. The closest Stiller has come is once hugging the muppet who lives in the garbage can. Still, if my choices are seeing what Bebo the magical sell-out can do with this or not seeing this thing get made at all, I guess I'll opt for the former, but this could be a humorous, intelligent, politically charged script and so help me if it gets neutered...I'll probably write some strongly worded comments on this blog about it. So take that.

You knew this was one of my flaws going into this blogging relationship

My passion for "Lost" is a thing of legend. Of all the nerdy, nerdy shit that I do (and I am to nerdy shit what John Holmes was to porn), this may be the most nerdy. I have some of the toys, used to actively participate in forums discussing the minutiae of the series, wrote FAN FICTION, and routinely throw tantrums when I have to watch an episode on DVR and not live. I am, in fact, a total gomer for the series. Which is why I'm so happy about this:



True, this shows very little new footage, but (A) hellooooo it's a sign the show is on its way back to me, (B) any new footage is still a new chance to drool over Evangeline Lilly (a solitary new clip will work just fine thanks), who represents one of the final entries on my "list," and (C) am I the only one who saw Hurley with a gun and Ben working with Jack?! For those who don't know what that means or the significance of those words, you are dead to me. Seriously, I know season 2-3 were seen as mediocre (I still loved much of them), but season 4 was soooo frakkin' good you can't tell me this isn't the best show on TV. Oh, nominate your "Mad Men" (which is booooring, no matter what you say) and "Gray's Anatomy" (which is stoooopid, no matter what you say) for Emmys, but this, this my friend is the reason God created the boob tube. And it's almost back. It's a good time to be alive.

For those worried about that supercollider experiment, you can escape a Black Hole

If you put a gun to my head (and please don't, because I have a rather bad headache as is), I'd probably say Neil Gaiman would finish in my top 3 favorite authors (not in a "I have a Master's in English and want to impress you with my knowledge of the literary world" way but in the, "give me a book to read right now way"). The other two are likely Margaret Atwood and Harlan Ellison, although Michael Chabon and Dave Eggers may fist-fight their way in. At any rate, it fills me with sadness that MTV.com is reporting Gaiman and writing partner Roger Avery (who is in a heap of legal trouble for something really bad, so I'm surprised he has time to write) are backing out of an adaptation of "Black Hole," a graphic novel about an STD that causes mutations and such (if only such a thing had been around to dissuade kids from sex years ago). Gaiman's on-screen work has been limited; he adapted Beowulf, had a hand in Stardust (based on his own novel), aided in both Mirrormask and the upcoming Caroline, and should have been perfect for the movie. The problem is, director David Fincher (who I just found out did those super sweet Ladanian Tomlinson/Troy Paomaolo Nike commercials) is also perfect for the movie and is a bit of a control freak, informing Gaiman and Avery they'd have to do, like 10 drafts (and then, according to the run time of Fincher's Zodiac, they would use every single word ever written in all of the drafts). Creative authors, creative directors, creative differences...too bad, so sad. Here's hoping they find someone equally as awesome. If not, here's hoping Fincher makes it awesome. If not, I don't have money on it, so I don't actually care that much.

Quick clips for Wednesday October 22

Because nothing is more terrifying than remakes


Happy Halloween bloggites! I've neglected the month of murder and mayhem far too long, so let's bring up the moderately interesting, slightly intriguing horror movie news. For your frightening pleasure, Variety submits the following: RKO (the company best known for housing Orson Wells...and what a big house it was...OH, ZING!) is going to see four of its horror films remade...by the dudes who produced Saw. Wow, I've often said the rightful owners of the heritage of Orson Wells were the guys who shepherded the "cut your nuts off with a hatchet or die" genre. The remakes include I Walked with a Zombie (which is not the biography of Mary Kate's last boyfriend), The Body Snatcher (which is not to be confused with either The Body Snatchers or my nickname in high school...OH, ZING!), Bedlam (which is not a story of a sheep's sleeping place), and Five Came Back (which is not a thrilling tale of a man who paid for a 15 dollar item with a 20). Now, the good news is most of these aren't household-known right now, although one starred Bela Lugosi and one starred Lucielle Ball, which means the subsequent casting of Zach Braff and Sarah Michelle Gellar is going to feel like a slap in the naughty parts. Still, hooooooray for horror movies! This is why they don't get covered much.

A post in which I defend The Incredible Hulk

MTV.com has an interview with Marvel headman Kevin Feige that will be the basis of this post and the next one (hey, in this economic crisis, I'm gonna 2-for-1 it whenever I can). First off, he justifies the Incredible Hulk reboot/"pay no attention to Eric Bana" endeavor by noting that it made like a dollar fifty more than the previous installment before proceeding to suggest that the next time we see tall, green, and angry may not be in his own movie. This is just a tangential confirmation of what we nerds have suspected forever, that he'll be the villain in the upcoming Avengers movie. This makes such a surprising degree of sense that I'm shocked it's being considered, giving audiences a solid and familiar opponent without having to introduce him. Plus, it's a whole lot more interesting than whatever "we're going to take over the world" shenanigans would have been proposed instead. Now, this doesn't mean we're not going to see another stand-alone Hulk movie...but maybe we shouldn't. I said this would be a post defending the latest film, and it is, but that doesn't mean I want more. See, the Hulk is a good character, but a boring one on screen. It took me a long time to figure out why, because you'd figure giant smashing explosions would be fascinating or at least watchable. The problem is, he's so incredibly simplistic as a creature that the only way he's really interesting in the comics is as a supporting player in his own book. The Incredible Hulk was as perfect a Hulk movie as you are ever going to see. It captured every single aspect of the character, every one, that could be displayed on screen (without going into the weird stuff from the comics like him turning into a mafia boss, which was awesome). It was exciting, stupid, and fun. Now we've been there and done that, meaning we don't need to go back. Use him as a supporting player in other movies and we'll have our fill. Much like vegetables, this is a green we need in smaller portions.

I'm not sure what a Hoary Host of Hoggarath actually is, but we're gonna find out

Seriously, is that not the coolest exclamation a comic book character has ever spewed. Forget "Up, up, and away" and give me "By the Hoary Hosts of Hoggarath." Anyway, I bring this up because that same MTV interview suggested that Marvel is going to bring Dr. Strange to the big screen in 2012. For those who don't know, Strange was a surgeon whose hands get all dinged up because of his douchebaggery before he finds a weird old dude who teaches him to become a crazy sorcerer. Cool, huh? He fights all sorts of crazy demon dudes like Dormammu, who looks like he's wearing a flaming bag on his head, and other weird monster things. It's basically a special effects wet dream with some measure of character thrown in. Oh, and he has an Asian sidekick named Wong. They're going to have to fix that up a bit. No mention of a specific plot, but I'm guessing we'll get the standard really long origin story that involves just a bit of coolness at the end, although I'm always waiting for someone to just drop us into the action and give us a super quick origin story. I mean seriously, it's not like some crazy complicated tale here. Douchebag becomes magician. There, I can cover it in one title card. It will be nice to see some of the magical Marvel elements up on screen, paving the way for Fing Fang Foom's on-screen appearance...finally! I mean, Fing Fang Foom Fans are getting restless. Yes, I brought that up just to use Fing Fang Foom Fans.

Quick Clips for Tuesday October 21

Sometimes un-news is the best news

"Lost" probably won't be a movie. According to Joblo.com, Damon Lindelof basically said, "We don't feel like stringing you along for 6 years and then charging you for answers" or what is now known as "Soprano-ing" or "giving the ole Sex and the City." I know, I know, I wait all day to give you an update and this is what you get, non-news, an un-conceived project, a never-will-happen. Well, here's your news flash: I've never been happier about something not happening (other than that one time the "burnin' downstairs" didn't lead to anything permanent). "Lost" really regained its footing this last season, and, having watched all of "Alias" again in the last 6 months (don't judge me, I don't come to where you watch "Two and a Half Men" or the frakkin' Chihuahua movie and rub your face in it...I mean, I want to, but I don't), I feel confident in the ability of JJ Abrams and company to deliver a conclusion worthy of all the hyperboles I've managed to generate for the last four years. I'm trying my hardest not to get all hot and bothered about the fact that the premiere of Season 5 is only 3 months away and I'm really happy that Lindelof seems to be indicating that I won't be investing my time in something that won't satisfy me at the end (wow, two jokes are fighting for this spot: (1) "I've always said television is the most worthwhile endeavor a human can participate in that doesn't involve buying me something" and (2) "investing my time in something that won't satisfy me in the end...can I get a what-what from the sexually frustrated women in the crowd?!).

Non-news part deux

When offered a juicy role like that of, say, a giant hulking Norse God, you usually consider the offer. That is, unless you're already James effing Bond. According to IESB.com, Daniel Craig was given a shot at Thor, but he turned them down cold. I imagine it went like this:

Marvel: Hey there, pretty pretty. You want to dance?
Daniel Craig: Um, are you talking to me?
Marvel: Come on, Sugar, you'd look great shirtless and wearing a helmet with feathery wings on it.
Daniel Craig: Are you serious right now?
Marvel: Oh, now, don'tchu be playin' with our hearts, you know you want to get your Norse on, swinging that big ole hammer around.
Daniel Craig: Are you guys high or something, because I'm already rich. Like crazy rich. And I'm a cultural icon.
Marvel: Please?
Daniel Craig: Check with Fabio, I think he's free.

The good news is, although this would actually have been good casting, it's the type of role that I could see many different people playing. Plus, with Kenneth Branagh at the helm, we're likely to get something crazy, so I want someone a little more off than Danny. Not that I spend a lot of time dreaming of Thor...but I do.

We finally get a comic book set in the midwest, and it has mutant freaks in it

The Hollywood Reporter broke the news that David Gordon Green, who depressed the shit out of me with Snow Angels and confused the shit out of me with Pineapple Express, will direct Freaks of the Heartland, which is a comic book about mutated freakshows in the middle of America. It's actually a quasi-horror, thriller, social commentary about a kid who tries to save the mutated freakshows, but it sounds totally weird. I only mention because (A) you really don't see a lot of movies set in the middle of America even though it would be super easy to shoot there and (B) it's called Freaks of the Heartland and I found that title really intriguing. I said intriguing, not appealing. See, Green is a conundrum to me: I loved/hated both of his films in different ways: Snow Angels probed such dark crevasses that it should have a proctology license and Pineapple Express was funny and engaging until it got sick and violent. Chances are, I'll like his latest film until the ending, when the freaks suddenly start singing show tunes or something weird...okay, something weirder.

Quick Clips for Tuesday October 21

Sorry to disappoint the fives of people looking for an early blog. It's gonna be late today. I think you'll survive, but if not, it's likely not my fault.

Quick clips for Monday October 20

Rogen insists face-punching is funny

For anyone who has any passing familiarity with The Green Hornet (just me then? okay), the fact that Seth Rogen has decided to comedy-it-up a bit can't be particularly surprising. First off, the director (Stephen Chow) is known for his slapstick style (most notably putting the eff and you in Kung Fu Hustle) and, second, The Green Hornet is one make-out session away from closeted gay porn and one realization that having an "Asian sidekick/manservant" may constitute slavery away from a civil suit. So it is actually refreshing that Rogen isn't intent on Dark Knight-ing his script, as he tells Devin over at Chud.com that things have changed in his plans. No longer is he intending on making a serious adaptation, Rogen will work in the same village he lives in: funny town. For as much as everyone is talking about the recent Bat flick, we've seen good serious/dark adaptations before but, unless I'm forgetting something, we have yet to see a successful superhero comedy. Hancock doesn't count because I meant successful in terms of making me laugh and because at the end it went all "doo-doo-doo" and got serious for no reason, sucking whatever oxygen remained in the plastic bag it put over its own head. Anyhoo, you know I'm down for whatevs when it comes to Seniors Rogen and Chow, but this struck me as a good tonal change.

When will Americans realize how lucky they are to have Elizabeth Banks?

A strikingly beautiful and funny girl comes along once, maybe twice a century in Hollywood. So desperate are we to find one that we dub some funny girls beautiful (Tina Fey, Sarah Silverman) when they are merely cute and dub beautiful girls funny (Drew Barrymore, Cameron Diaz) because they can read lines off of cue cards decently. So when Elizabeth Banks strolls along, tossing out great comedic performances like it was her job (which it is) and looking like a frat-boy's wet dream (which she is), why is it that she's not both uber-famous and given the fatty fat fat paychecks she deserves? My only conclusion: President Bush doesn't care about...wait, can't blame him for this one...wow, I have no idea who to point fingers at in his absence, the next decade's gonna be rough. I bring this all up because (A) it's a slow news day, (B) Zack and Miri Make a Porno is upon on shortly, (C) Chud.com did a great piece about how Banks may not return to the thankless, awful, underwritten role of Betty Brant in the Spiderman series (despite being a relevant character), and (D) in W. Banks was woefully underused...AGAIN. I'm not saying that we should short-list her for the Nobel, I'm just saying there's no reason on this earth why she isn't atop every "hot and funny gals of Hollywood" list. Seriously, can we fix this before I have to start getting angry?

Weekend Box Office Results: If I could find a pile of poo big enough, I would rub all of America's nose in it

By this point in my life, I am sure of but four facts: (1) The Chicago Bears will cause my death through heart failure before it's all said and done, (2) the banana cream pie blizzard from Dairy Queen is the culmination of man's culinary accomplishments, (3) you freakin' people love your talking dog shite, and (4) I will never, ever, ever get all 5 movies in my predictions right. Ever. I've decided not to let this depress me, at least that's what these pills tell me. Oh well, I do plenty of other things well...I just can't think of what those things are right now.

Here are the results:

1.) Max Payne - $18 Million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

Lost in the Sarah Palin shuffle on "SNL" was Mark Wahlberg's great redemption. It now becomes obvious that his apparent Jew-hating comments about breaking Andy Samberg's nose on "Jimmy Kimmel" were a part of his already existing plan to go on "SNL" that weekend and do what Palin should have, skewer himself a bit, making him seem personable and cool. So, even though his movie sucks rotten eggs through a straw, you enjoy this win Marky Mark!

2.) The Godforsaken Talking Mexican Dog Movie - $11 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

I have no words. Make it stop. Please, please make it stop.

3.) The Secret Life of Bees - $11 million (Accuracy of prediction - 72%)

Justin Senkbile's upcoming review of this movie excellently described this as (I'm paraphrasing) a nice movie for nice people who want to feel nice. That's a statement so perfect I only wish I had written it. Nice job all around.

4.) W. - $10.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 71%)

When it's all said and done, this is a movie that will have a longer legacy than the man in office. Look for more on this one...a lot more. Oh, and see it.

5.) Eagle Eye - $7.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 0%)

Wow, just, wow. I can't believe how well this film is holding up. It's weekend-to-weekend declines have been 39%, 38%, and 32%. That's unheard of for a big-budget blockbuster type film. It's well on its way to the $100 million club, which is impressive for this time of year and proves that it's The Boof's world, we're just livin' in it.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 66%

I'm either going to have to get better at this, invent a new formula that makes me look more successful, or quit. Something's gotta give people.

Friday Free-For-All

Brad Pitt in a Trojan...role


I've got a crazy Odyssean fetish, which sounds way more perverse than it actually is. Having taken a Greek drama class in college (the most fun you can have with myths that don't involve electoral math), it pleases me to no small end that director George Miller is planning to adapt "The Odyssey" with Brad Pitt as his Odysseus (according to Variety). Oh, and did I mention that it would be set in space? Because it will. Now, while the cynics among you may lament this twist, I bet you're the same sad SOBs that wouldn't clap to bring tinkerbell back. So, you fairy-killing freaks, allow me to point out why this works. First, space is inherently (and this is a technical term here) "wicked awesome." See, the original story involved a one-eyed cyclops, man-luring sirens (if the trio of Scarlett Johansson, Natalie Portman, and Megan Fox aren't cast, mankind is doomed), and a witch named Calypso...so, yeah, realism was never a high point for the story. Second, this is one of the most rich and layered stories of all time (second only to "Beowulf" and "The Man from Nantucket"). Third, in a society that's willing to remake sitcoms from the 70s, every British television show ever made, and movies that came out just a few years ago (I'm looking at you Incredible Hulk), why not commit to remaking something with actual merit? What I'm saying is, pish-posh this all you want to, I'm jazzed like an elderly aerobics class.


Weekend Battle Plan: Sick of political TV ads? Howsabout a political movie?!


Hands down the most intriguing entry of the weekend is W. Whether or not you want to see it is immaterial, it is gripping and fascinating simply by existing. Yes, Oliver Stone rushed to make this; yes, it is clearly exploiting the time in America when politics is so prevalent my Grandmother made disparaging comments about my affiliations; yes, we've seen so many takes on Doublya that his voice may have replaced Borat's as the most imitated. Still, are you not totally intrigued to see a film that attempts to explain how the hell this rube became a world leader...TWICE?! I mean, Fillmore proved anybody could be president once, but two terms takes some doin'. Really, this is just wrestling with rich and obvious subtexts: Father vs son, Republican vs Democrat, man vs pretzel (you almost forgot about that, didn't you?). The only other movies opening this week involve a dude trying to get it on with a chick he meets on the Internet (Sex Drive), which has inexplicably gotten good buzz, and Max Payne, in which Mark Wahlberg further tries to urinate on the goodwill that he accumulated with The Departed. Seriously, you rip off the back story for "The Punisher" (a guy avenging his murdered wife and kids) and set it in slow-motion, double-gun toting jumps and think people will care? Pffft, what do you think this is 1994? If you're going out this weekend, treat your brain.


That's My Recommendation: Go see W, because I swear on all that is holy if you make that motherhorking Chihuahua movie number one again I will find your asses.


On DVD: I am not legally allowed (by my inner child) to recommend anything other than Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Oh yes, there are many things to whine about in this movie. You can pick it apart like a vulture on roadkill or, you can do what I do, and just eat the roadkill...I MEAN love the movie for what is right about it. That smirk, that scene when Indy reunites with Marion, the big bug scene, the crack of the whip, and lots more. Why not just enjoy yourself?


Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions


If you're keeping score at home, it's Soulless Dogs - 2, Ryan - 0. In the last two weeks, I have been so off in my predictions that a cocktail-fueled dart toss could yield better results. Still, you're getting this for free and, unless you have money riding on some obscure box office fight club I don't know about, my predictions mean nothing anyway. That said, ooh man do I want to be right this time. I want to be right more than I want anything other than a Bears victory and a full night's sleep. Is W going to fascinate the country as much as it does me? Is Max Payne a shoo-in for number one? Are you irresponsible asshats going to see the effing Chihuahua movie again? Let's find out.


Here's how I see it:


1.) Max Payne - $19 million


Okay, before I get into the explanation (actually, that only takes a second - it's a supernatural-themed action movie, those always open decently), let's talk about Mark Wahlberg. I thought he was a cool guy, but then he did The Happening and this turd, plus he bagged on what was a hilarious sketch featuring him talking to animals on "SNL." How is that not funny? It isn't even particularly mean and apparently, you're a douche, so it could have been. Enjoy your number one opening, this movie will collapse next week.


2.) W - $12 million


This could be a surprise hit...or it could go the way of most Oliver Stone movies and become a curiously watchable catastrophe. Either way, how could you not want to rush out and see this? What, do you hate America?


3.) Beverly Hills Chihuahua - $11 million


So help me, God...so help me, God.


4.) The Secret Life of Bees - $7 million


The long-awaited Latifah/Fanning/Keys union is upon us! Hooray! No, in all seriousness this looks to be a very sweet endeavor and there's no reason to think it won't find a little audience. It may have legs as well. Not literally, that would be weird.


5.) Sex Drive - $6 million

Look, this could be anything. Again, it could be Body of Lies or Quarantine but I'm betting in today's climate people would rather watch humping than murder but that is the greatest moral question of our time, isn't it?

Quick clips for Thursday October 16

Napoleonic humor has layers...wait, that's neopolitan humor

Steve Carrell is funny as hell as Michael Scott on "The Office" and, to be fair, stole the show in Anchorman (forget "I love lamp," I could watch him make lewd jokes to Christina Applegate all day, in character or not). Then he made Evan Almighty, a crime for which a tribunal should be summoned. I'm not saying that Variety's news that Stevey will be playing the role of a dim soldier in Napoleon's army in his latest film, Brigadier Gerard!, reassured me about his big-screen trajectory, but it was a part created by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and not crafted by a sequel-hungry producer of a Jim Carrey project. So there's that. I do like the idea of a historically based comedy (after all, 10,000 BC was hilarious), but I'm just not sure about Carrell's ability to carry a movie. Being funny in a simple role that plays to your strength is one thing (and, I would argue, he didn't even get that perfect until the second season of the show), but turning into a character that doesn't rely on making stupid faces and running into things requires a lot more work. Beyond that, I long for the days when television actors were content being really good television actors. What's wrong with doing one thing so well that you get rich and famous for it? I blame the media...and parents...and the teachers. Basically, everyone.

Further on down then Road

So Viggo Mortensen, the second member-flashing actor mentioned in as many days, was all set to get himself another Oscar nomination (if he doesn't already have one for Appaloosa, which he may if people other than our own Ben Coffman saw that movie), and then this happens: The Hollywood Reporter suggests that The Road, an apocalyptic thriller based on the best-selling (and Oprah-recommended) novel (which may or may not feature more Mortensen flashing "Lil Viggo"), will be bumped to 2009. This is a big blow, not just for fans of "Lil Viggo," but for The Weinstein Company, who is basically inventing new ways to fail. After Speed Racer (RIP), the company needed some good news but word is that director John Hillcoat's movie is way, way, way away from being done, which means releasing it in 3 weeks is not likely. While a bump to December is possible, rushing out a sub-par project won't solve anything other than a void in the release calendar (which likely means I'll be seeing a Tyler Perry movie that week or some such crap). The important thing isn't when this gets released but that it's good when it comes out. That said, you don't release an Oscar contender in January, so if it misses December we may not see it for a year. For a man of Harvey Weinstein's size, this can't be doing good things for his cardiac system or digestive tract. I'm bettin' he's jump-starting his ticker with a fork and an electric socket while fighting off the calls of Montezuma.

Stiller to stick finger in water, test if AIDS is funny yet

There are some things that you don't make fun of: babies dying, genocide, the Bears losing, and AIDS. According to GQ magazine, Ben Stiller is going to star in a musical about a guy who gets AIDS and swears it's a comedy. Oh, and it's written by Elton John. Now, this could be some vintage "Stiller humor," but the article painted it as though it were real and no one has popped up disputing this. Now, while I'm as desperate as anyone for the first truly successful AIDS/musical/comedy (why, just yesterday I was bemoaning the lack of crotch jokes in Rent), this is quite possibly the strangest news that I've ever reported or heard. My wife says I am too prone to hyperbole but, honest to God, tell me that Elton John writing a comedic AIDS musical for Ben Stiller isn't the single most insane sentence you've ever read. If it isn't, good Lord is your life strange. I'm all for pushing the boundaries of comedy, using it to shake taboos, but Stiller lost his "edgy" card right about the time he started doing crap like Dodgeball. Mind you, Tropic Thunder was a pretty decent step in the right direction, but we've got light years to go before I sign off sight unseen on a project as crazy as this one. You'll notice I haven't proposed any titles yet. Why? Because I'm pretty sure that AIDS is still not funny. Until proven otherwise, I'll stick to mocking famous people.

Quick clips for Wednesday October 15

I'm just saying, that bear with the bow tie had death in his eyes for years

It was refreshing to discover via Forgetting Sarah Marshall that I am not the only one with a sick need for more muppets. My first memory (no lie) is of Kermit singing about his green-ness (far before Al Gore), I make at least 1-2 muppet-themed jokes a week, and I will watch anything, I mean anything, with fuzzy taking things with hands inside of them...that really did not sound like I wanted it to. So it is with great pleasure that I report what Variety reports, that Jim Henson Company is developing Happytime Murders, possibly the first ever "puppet noir" film. The film will use the traditional people and puppets method, whereby humans inexplicably interact with talking socks as though they were people, which means Charles Grodin may just get another paycheck. Now, the way in which "murders" will be worked in is a bit confusing, and where this leaves the Jason Segal (he of exposed schlong from the aforementioned Sarah Marshall) muppet movie is uncertain. I assume these projects can peacefully coexist, but this homicide-based script doesn't exactly sing of direct-to-video kiddie fare. So chances are this one is going to get on the big screen, which is welcome news to us muppetophiles (why does everything with "ophile" on it now sound dirty? Thanks for nothing perverts.) All I know is that a world where I get to see Kermit the frog wearing a fedora and doing his best Bogart is a world that just got a little brighter.

Who would have thought that Charlie Sheen would have better things to do?

Wall Street was a film that just never did it for me. I mean, maybe it had something to do with the fact that I was just a wee pup when the nose-candy consuming, stock market plundering Wall Street Warrior was on the rise. That, or I always just found Charlie Sheen freaking annoying. Seriously, anybody else notice that he seems to project his voice from such a nasal place it may actually emerge from behind his eyes? Anyway, Fox has greenlit a sequel to that 21-year-old movie, titled Money Never Sleeps, which follows Michael Douglas as Gordon Gekko 20 years after he went to jail. I'm hoping for Catherine Zeta-Jones's sake that much time isn't spent following her hubbie inside a prison cell (with double chins like that, you know he'd be popular). Rumor has it that Sheen is out (he's on a TV show that people watch for no discernible reason) and Douglas is circling the role but hasn't landed yet (allegedly because he wants to see the final rewrite but, come on, what was the last Douglas movie you saw in the theater). Allegedly, the greenlighting was based on the economic circumstances that have seen the Dow Jones have an epileptic seizure. Isn't it encouraging to know that, in the darkest hour of the dollar, someone will still get rich? No? It isn't? What are you doing on that ledge? It's just a movie?! Get down from the ledge!!! DAMN YOU MICHAEL DOUGLAS!!!!

Cameron Crowe hates me

I just caught part of Jerry Maguire with my wife this last weekend. I don't know that there's been a film in the last 20 years that has more moments that are still used as touchstone phrases or references. Beyond "show me the money" (which isn't even the funniest line in that scene, it pales in comparison to Tom Cruise yelling "I love the black man"), you have "you complete me" and "you had me at hello," you have the infamous "who's coming with me" Tom Cruise meltdown, and many others. I mention this because I love writer/director Cameron Crowe. Almost Famous would likely find a home in my all-time top 10, Say Anything is definitely there, Vanilla Sky is woefully underrated, Singles is a definitive romantic comedy of the 90s era...and then there's Elizabethtown, which is maybe the worst movie I've seen starring Orlando Bloom, which is a barometer that should never be used. So imagine my surprise when the details of Crowe's secretive new Ben Stiller/Reese Witherspoon project leaked and it was revealed that it follows a disgraced weapons consultant who wants to launch a spy satellite in Hawaii to defend against China, only to find that the islanders won't agree unless he tosses a sacrifice into a flaming volcano. Sayhuhbuwhat? Crowe's redemption movie is treading the same waters as Joe Versus the Volcano? I'm so lost. This doesn't fit into what Crowe does best, the self-reflective "real" movie, and sounds flat-out crazy. Now, since the guy has far more hits than misses, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt, but I'm hoping this isn't the worst Ben Stiller movie I've ever seen because that dude was in Night at the Museum.

Quick clips for Tuesday October 14

If I could sing falsetto, I would

Spill your forty, tip your cap the next time you see a crappy romantic comedy, and cover your heart at Batman movie posters, we're saying good-bye to a friend today...wow, that really sounds like someone died. He didn't. Jonathon Tvrdik just shuffled from this mortal review coil, not, you know, the earthly one. After many years, hundreds of reviews, and a wonderful working experience, Jon has decided to blow this Popsicle stand that is the film section at The Reader for greener writing pastures (ones that involve cooler stuff than pontificating about the sanity of those who would voluntarily see, oh I don't know, Beverly Hills Chihuahua...more on that later). Jon was the critic equivalent of the kid from the Life commercials who would eat anything, willing to see any wretched, awful, horrible film he was asked to see, even if there was a chance of murderous rage afterwards. I know it sounds like I'm recalling a buddy from the war but, let me just say this, he has walked where few men have dared to tread (namely, into the theater to review things like Wicker Man). Uh, oh, Wicker Man reference, you know what that means:



Now you'll never watch that without a tear in your eye. Jon is a great guy and a dedicated movie lover, and while it will be tough to replace him, I know he's got great things ahead of him. So take heart in knowing that you received the second memorial in this blog's history (after Paul Newman). That's something to tell your kids about. Best of luck, kid, you won't need it.

Hustle out; "Real Deadle" Cheadle is in!

In what is fast becoming a weekly installment of Iron Man 2 watch (our coverage needs a cooler name like "Iron watch" or "Steel staring" or something that isn't horribly lame), Chud.com is reporting that Terrance Howard wanted too much cash for a return appearance as James Rhodes, so he's being replaced by Don "The Real Deadle" Cheadle. Two thoughts: (1) In what world is The Real Deadle cheaper than Terrance Howard? If I showed my mom a picture of the two, she'd point to The Real Deadle and say "didn't he win an Oscar" (which he didn't but, you know, she prefers him); (2) this means that Howard got to play the boring, exposition-guy James Rhodes and not the armored-up, butt-kicking alter-ego War Machine. That's like signing up to play Robin Hood and getting told you'll get to explore his time spent making arrows. Yucky. It should be pointed out that this is really good casting and I'm totally cool with it, no matter how or why it happened. The acting talent in this movie just keeps going up (it's not like they replaced Howard with Heavy D or something). If they hammer out an intelligent script, my feeling is this could be one of the greatest super flicks ever. Of course, if they poo it out, we're looking at X-Men 3 with higher-caliber actors (sorry Patrick Stewart...and Hugh Jackman...but not you Halle Berry).

Weekend Box Office Results: Look what you did. LOOK WHAT YOU DID!

I don't so much care that my predictions are more off-base than John McCain's assertion that he's got Barack Obama right where he wants them (because what politician doesn't want to trail double digits three weeks before the election), I care that we're going to get another 10 years of talking Chihuahua movies. Seriously, what sick bastards are taking their kids and themselves to this? There's no way this is passable, it has to feel like passing a stone for two hours. Why? WHY GOD? WHY?

Here are the results:

1.) Beverly Hills Chihuahua - $17.5 million (Accuracy of Prediction - 89%)

I can't believe you'd do this...on purpose...again?! I mean, what the heck is wrong with this world? Your 401K is now worth a box of Kleenex and a ho-ho and you decide to shell out 10 bucks on this? AGAIN?! Word of mouth can't be positive? Can it? Seriously, this teaches me that I need to start writing a script for a kids movie fast, because apparently it just has to exist to make money.

2.) Quarantine - $14 million (Accuracy of Prediction - 70%)

This makes more sense to me. It's Halloween time and who doesn't love zombies? All joking aside, this does bode well for the future of flesh-eating projects. And who doesn't want more brain consumption on screen?

3.) Body of Lies - $13 million (Accuracy of Prediction - 55%)

Ouch. Another flop for Crowe, a first flop in a while for DiCaprio, and a big NO THANKS to ANOTHER Middle Eastern terror flick. I guess we're just not ready for these, even if they are good (which this one was by the way). I wonder what this means for the future of projects in the pipeline? I guess they take a backseat to talking effing dog movies.

4.) Eagle Eye - $11 million (Accuracy of Prediction - 86%)

Good for The Boof, this one looks to have better legs than previously thought (maybe those legs belong to Michelle Monaghan...mmmmm). If this keeps up, it could be the most impressive total for The Boof (clearly not the biggest, but the biggest that isn't a summer blockbuster).

5.) Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist - $6 million (Accuracy of Prediction - 0%)

One day, I'll get all 5 right, you just watch. Someone told me this was like Say Anything. That person probably never saw Say Anything, although there is something Cusackian about Michael Cera. Hmmm....

Overall Accuracy of Prediction - 60%

Barely passing this week. Ugh. One of these days, I swear. ONE OF THESE DAYS!!!!!

Monday No-Blog

Test

Friday Free-For-All

Rest easy, knowing Jessica Alba will remain wealthy

(Before we begin, this is me cyber-pouring some of my 40 out on the sidewalk for the "in a world" movie voice guy.)

Coming this fall:
"In a world, where banks fall and nations crumble"
(Cut to shot of Wall Street broker crying, then the explosion of Alderan from the original Star Wars)
"There's only one group who can save us all"
(Cut to satellite view of United States, then zoom in to California, then to the Hollywood sign, then to the executives snorting cocaine off of the Hollywood sign)
"The last, best hope of civilization rests in the hands and fake breasts of those we've taken for granted."
(Cut to shot of Clooney, Pitt, Jolie, Theron, Barrymore, Zellweger, and the dog from Beverly Hills Chihuahua.)
"They are Recession-Proof(TM). Coming this fall from the people who spent $100 million on a remake of Poseidon."

The myth has been for decades that Hollywood is immune to the financial woes of the world, with Americans shelling out to escape whatever awfulness exists outside the theater by staying inside where they can believe anything is possible (like Adam Sandler banging Kate Beckinsale...seriously, what the hell was that). Defamer does a great job exposing that this myth is a bigger pile of bull than a stack of dead longhorns.

According to several reports, studios are sinking more than a half-billion dollars into movies for 2010 and 2011. In fact, Defamer contends that the industry may be setting itself up for a horrific crash. Consider the following from the well-thought-out analysis:

• After the stock market fell like a fat guy on "Hole in the Wall" in 1929, studios sunk tons of money into films. Yet, totals fell from 1930-1933 (38% in fact).
• Moreover, adjusted for inflation, last year's box office was $100 million less than the gross in 1931.
• With the looming labor strike potentially costing time and money and Internet, TV, and video games sapping audiences, is it possible that Recession-Proof(TM) will turn into a bust?

The jury is still out on whether the Hollywood apocalypse is finally upon us but, rest assured, if it is, we will send a cast of good-looking actors out in a spaceship to destroy whatever it was that threatened them. You can count on it.

Weekend Battle Plan: Russell Crowe now featuring 35% more Russell Crowe

Ridley Scott is 97 years old. Okay, I'm kidding, he's only 71, but it's not like that isn't impressive enough. Dude is cranking out action films when others are working on continence. His most recent effort, Body of Lies, also teams him with consummate professional Leonardo DiCaprio and the newly rotund Russell Crowe, who claimed to have gotten frisky with the ding-dongs in order to fatten up for a role. Then again, maybe I heard him wrong and he said he was fattening up to roll. Either way, this should easily be the most watched movie of the week and should tear the talking canine flick a new tiny anal cavity. The other releases...well...no one is saying that Ernie Davis (The Express) doesn't have an interesting story and that it isn't worth being told but, as I've been ranting about lately, the film doesn't really offer much that we can't already figure out. I'm waiting for the truly innovative based-on-a-true-story that attempts to breathe new visual life and creative storytelling approaches to the blah-blah-bland straight-forward endeavors. This doesn't mean I don't love you anymore Dennis Quaid. City of Ember could draw the family vote and, to be honest, looks kind of interesting to me. I mean, not interesting enough to really remember its existence when I'm asked about the weekend releases, but still, it's got Bill Murray (who made the funniest joke of the night on the "SNL: Election Special" last night. The other release is Quarantine, which will be met with a moderate amount of excitement from horror fans looking to spend money on something before Saw 12 comes out. I'm sure it's a perfectly innocuous bloody-gore fest, but the zombie thing needs to die down so that some life (ha-ha) can be injected into it again with World War Z. So, all in all, it's time to give the fatman your money.

That's my recommendation: See Body of Lies with the remaining coins you have that weren't invested in Lehman Brothers.

On DVD: If you want to laugh yourself into a coma, check out The Happening, which is the single funniest movie that wasn't intentionally a comedy (or maybe it was, I'm really curious to see if Shyamalan copped to making a parody yet). Come for the strangest offer of hot dogs ever in a movie, stay for Mark Wahlberg running away from wind. Both of these things honestly do happen. If you want, you know, a good movie, rent The Visitor. It's a sweet tale of a guy who builds a relationship with two illegal immigrants and may get the dad from Six Feet Under an Oscar nomination. Though, if it were me, I'd just invent a drinking game with The Happening based around the number of ominous shots of shrubbery.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

I won't lie, I really want to "win" a week at this. Now, I know I'm playing against no one but myself and that no one in the world considers this blog to be an actual forecast of what will happen but, COME ON! I really am trying here. I feel like a weatherman who is constantly wrong or, as I like to call them, weathermen. I really want to do well this week and there are still a number of crazy factors: (A) How will the GD Chihuahuas hold over?; (B) Has anyone heard of City of Ember?; (C) Will audiences seek out Quarantine for their horror thrills (or will they stick with the talking dog movie)? Who knows?! This is crazy?! (For the record, I found out yesterday through the Lyons-Mirror Sun in Decatur/Lyons Nebraska that the term for a question mark followed by an exclamation point is an "interrobang," which sounds dirty). Okay, enough stalling. Here's how I see it:

1.) Body of Lies - $24 million

This could be a little low, as American Gangster opened even higher and had less action in it and a longer running time. People are scared to go spend money or this would be a huge, huge hit, so this seems like a safe number to debut at. If it goes lower, hang on to your hats because not even Leonardo DiCaprio can save our financial crisis.

2.) Beverly Hills Chihuahua - $18 million

This movie will have done $50 million after this weekend. The stock market crumbles and this is what you choose to spend your dollars on. No wonder we're doomed.

3.) The Express - $12 million

Strong enough word of mouth and a feel good story could push this Denny Q flick into the top 3. It's the football season and, with so many teams (like my college teams) already dead, maybe it will be nice for people to root for someone they know won't lose.

4.) Quarantine - $11 million

Here's where things get dicey (as usual) for me. I don't know what to do with Eagle Eye, Quarantine, and City of Ember. I'm thinking more people will want to see a horror movie than Eagle Eye again and that nobody has heard of City of Ember. Much like a weird sensation in your tummy you want to release but you're in public, this is a gamble.

5.) Eagle Eye - $10 million

Come on "Boof," beat Bill Murray just this once and let me finally, finally get all top 5 films in my top 5. You know you want to.