Cutting Room Floor is home to a sea of snark and snippets about upcoming movies, rumors about films, and other assorted nonsense. Sure, the information is mostly accumulated from other reputable sources, but the sarcasm is 100% home grown.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 38)
Yo, yo, yo! What it is, my fine bloggity masses? We've once more reached that point of hump day where I ask you to send me free crap. I kid (mostly), as this is really just about showing you cool stuff out there in the universe, but I do welcome requests for my address at film@thereader.com, especially by makers of cool swag who need someone to pimp for them (in which case, it would be easy out there for a pimp). If you are not the buying or giving type, just sit back, kick your heels up, and read on to see some fairly entertaining pieces of weird nerd coolness available for our capitalist asses.
Here's the three things I want most this week:
1.) My beverage has room for only one rider - I am down with ice cubes. They make my drink cold. I'm down with straws. They bring the beverage to me. I have difficulty with the ice/straw combo. They fight one another for supremacy of the cub, the cubes blocking the straw's flow, the straw puncturing and displacing the ice. It's a centuries long war that could only be quashed by a mating of some kind. Hey Thinkgeek, get them two to knock boots. Whammo. That's an ice straw. A straw that is also ice. They have the molds to make it at that ThinkGeek link. You can quell years of straw vs ice violence with one slurp. Hats off to this bold invention for peace.
2.) This bread needs more awesome - If I was man enough to propose purchasing (or sending me for free) the Darth Vader toaster some years ago, then by God how can I not support the brilliance that is pirate toast? You press the plastic onto your toast back when it's only bread, and whammo, the toasting makes a pirate skull and crossbones appear. Then you can eat your PB&J or tuna fish sandwich like a total f**king badass. Who will mess with your decision to eat egg salad now? Seriously, say something to the guy with a f**king SKULL on his toast. I dare you.
3.) Nuff said - This is awesome. You know why. You feel it in your bones. You can't think of a reason not to go to Threadless right now and buy this. Just be careful. Most of you out there reading this know each other, and if you all buy it, it will be embarrassing. So if you do all purchase this, be careful in when you decide to wear it, okay? You've been warned.
The funniest line in Hot Shots, the unnecessary Top Gun spoof, comes when a bunch of pilots climb into their jets for a training session and one of them yells "Come on guys, let's see who's the best!" It's the way he says it that kills me. You could have had just that one scene and it would have effectively mocked Top Gun all that it needed to be mocked. I mean, all it needed to be mocked other than the now well-recognized fact that it was far ahead of its time in terms of mainstream homosexual eroticism.
I think I know a generation of Republican congressmen who grew up watching that movie...you know, for the fight scenes...yeah...the fight scenes. Get excited, closeted self-haters, because MTV.com recently spoke with suddenly struggling super-producer Jerry Bruckheimer (Prince of Persia flopped, Confessions of a Shopaholic flopped, The Sorcerer's Apprentice is just sitting there, waiting to flop). He more or less said that if someone can come up with a reasonable way to do it, there's nothing stopping a Top Gun 2. Considering that Knight and Day was supposed to be the final determining factor of whether or not Tommy boy got his Mission Impossible 4 greenlit (which I so, so, so badly hope happens because I loved the last one and I can't wait to see Brad Bird directing actual humans), and considering it semi-flopped, there's reason to believe the time may be perfect for the two flopping floppers to reunite and correct their floppage. I have to say, I'd be all in favor of a Top Gun 2 (and not just to see how far they could take the volleyball scene in the modern era). The effects have come so far, and it's not like the story was so brilliant, the characters so endearing to us, that we can't imagine sullying them by bringing them back. I say do it. I say Maverick redeems himself and gets his rugged, manly game of topless volleyball on to once more save us all!
As is prone to happen during this wacky paddleboat ride down the stream of life, people have begun turning on U2. How you turn against the greatest rock band whose name does not rhyme with the Schmeetles is beyond me. Making fun of Bono's persona? Fair game, he can act sorta douchey. Making fun of him as a person given how he has transformed from an angst ridden youth to a world-changing leader? You're the douche, douche. I don't need people to concede that they're the greatest band that ever lived, that would be silly. Like I said, they're the SECOND greatest band that ever lived, and the best band living now. Duh. Oh, and the only person capable of appropriately mocking Bono was Ben Stiller back when he was funny.
Plus, their music is amazing and you know it. If I sound defensive, that's just because at some point they finally slipped out of the youth culture and now the only people I know who violently defend their heart stopping brilliance are people my age, or as I like to put it, people who have listened to music long enough to finally have an opinion that's valid. People who know me know that the passion I have for U2 is only equaled or exceeded by my passion for Spider-man. So when I was told there would be a Spider-man musical with music written by U2, I pretty much pooped my denim Pampers. Then I watched as that project slowly unraveled, like Miley Cyrus.
Now comes word of a new potential pairing that excites me beyond reasonable expectations. Pixar + U2 = Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Supposedly, Brave, which is the first classic-style fairy tale from Pixar, is going to get music from the boys from Dublin. Now, it's just a rumor at this point, and there's still plenty of time for some studio suit to drop a deuce on my heart like what happened with the Spider-man musical (I was going to go to Broadway for that shit...for real). Still, if I am watching a Pixar film and there's a U2 song in it, people should take photographs so they know what nirvana looks like.
I've got good news and bad news, which do you want first? I can't hear you, so I'll assume good news! Marvel set up a shingle designed to create some TV material. Most of it will probably end up being animation, but some of it may be live-action stuff! Wow! Coolio! They could totally make a live-action series on some of the great characters they've created over the years who may never get to see the light of day in a movie theater! Why, just think of the rich, nuanced, original characters they can display! Like this guy:
Yeah, just a reminder, as much as I love Marvel, they once had a character appearing in their then biggest franchise named Maggot. Maggot. Let that sink in. Speaking of Maggots, Jeph Loeb is going to be the head of the Marvel TV Studio. Oh, I forgot to preface that with "here comes the bad news," but I think you picked up on that by now. Ugh. Loeb's last effort in the TV world was "Heroes." Yeah, you read that right, the single worst thing to happen to comic book adaptations since Howard the Duck has resulted in Loeb being given a big-time promotion. He'll probably come up with INCREDIBLY original ideas, like a TV show that follows a young superhero who will one day grow to be a powerful "super" man!!! Loeb is hacktastic lately, even if he has had moments of greatness in the comic book realm. I'm praying he's used more as a consultant and general overseer than direct influence on the material...because I don't like things that suck.
As could be said for almost any production out there right now, the cast of X-Men First Class is shaping up to be more attractive than the best combined features of all the people you've ever met in real life. James McAvoy is playing a young Professor X (burning question: with hair or without?), Michael Fassbender is 'lil Magneto, and Benjamin Walker is Beast. Now comes word that Marvel has cast the superhero whose incredible powers are to resist frostbite while wearing little more than a tattered bedsheet.
will be played by
Just to be clear, that's Alice Eve from She's Out of Your League playing the White Queen. That's fine and all, but can we talk for just a minute about how Emma Frost is in this? I never did read the comic book "X-Men: First Class," but what I know of the lore of the men of X suggests to me that Hooters McGee up there didn't start overpowering lords of evil with her hoo-ha until far after the "first class." She'll come in incredibly handy though, what with her amazing talent at being leggy and jiggling in the right parts. Look, I hate Emma Frost for the most part, because her power set (which is actually telepathy somewhere less than Professor X and Jean Grey and the inexplicable ability to turn into a giant diamond...yes, I'm serious) always seemed redundant and pointless. Her whole schtick too of the "sexy-but-powerful woman" is almost always downgraded to "sexy woman" and usually to "how little clothes do we legally have to draw on her." I get that men (and some women) like to see women with tiny socks turned into whole wardrobes, even if it's just a drawing, so having her in a movie where she's all visible flesh and semi-tangible blood seems great. She's just a mediocre character to me with little to offer and I want this to be a good X-movie. Yep, I'm the guy who isn't excited about this news.
On Friday, the world rejoiced and you never heard it. Well, maybe you did if you dared to read blogs other than mine. That...that isn't true, though, right? You ONLY use the Internet to respond to emails about Viagra and read movie news on this one blog, right? Well if you accidentally typed in the wrong address and ended up pretty much anywhere else that even considers movies, you read this headline "Jackson Returns!" At first, you probably thought, "I knew that Michael Jackson was just playing possum!" Then as you read on, you realized that the internets were confirming the wet dream of every man, woman, and child who ever wore Legolas footie pajamas: Peter Jackson was returning to The Lord of the Rings world in the form of actually directing The Hobbit! Joy! Triumph! Well...it sounded wrong to me. I know the studio wants it, I know that Jackson would consider it for the sake of the franchise that made him, and I know that it would be the best choice. But the things that kept the two sides apart in the first place still existed: He wants waaaaay too much money and he's booked up six ways to Sunday. AICN spoke with "a source" (who is apparently Jackson himself) who said nothing has changed. The studio wants him, but he still can't quite do it. So, it looks like as good a time as any to bust out my all-time favorite graph. It applies nicely to the director's seat:
The real culprit here isn't Jackson, just to be clear. The real culprit is MGM, whose inability to sort out their finances to any degree has resulted in a clustercluck of disorganization that makes them about as attractive to purchase as a Twilight novel. I hope Jackson does it. I just don't think he's going to. I think he's going to find a passable, lesser known director and puppet him or her (hahahaha, LADIES can't direct! They have lady parts?!?!? How could a lady possibly get performances out of actors or point a camera without a wiener?! I crack myself up). It's not a bad play on his part if he can get it to happen.
Weekend Box Office Results: Why do you still like Adam Sandler?
Seriously? I want to know. Do people go see Adam Sandler movies because they're just used to doing it? Nobody's really excited by them, right? I mean, nobody saw the clip for Grown Ups where they pee in the pool and squealed with laughter, right? Nobody owns Click on Blu-Ray, right? I get that his sense of humor is supposed to be mainstream, but he peaked about 15 years ago by my estimation, how is it that he still has a fan base? Shouldn't they have aged past his antics? I'm so confused right now. It's going to make like $110-$120 million and be another standard successful film, encouraging his studio to keep doing the same damn thing until the sun swallows the earth in 2012. I'm not even necessarily mad, as trying to hate an Adam Sandler movie seems like it would take more energy than the film deserves or used while in production. I'm just confused is all. Really confused.
Here's the box office results, haiku style:
1.) Toy Story 3 - $59 million (Accuracy of prediction - 92.5%)
Top summer movie? If it can beat out Twilight, then I think it is.
2.) Grown Ups - $41 million (Accuracy of prediction - 95%)
Look at what you've done. We were free of Rob Schneider. But now he is back.
3.) Knight and Day - $20.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 96%)
This is not a flop. People will say that it is. They just wish it was.
4.) The Karate Kid - $15 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)
Is this one done yet? I mean, it was fine and all, but can we move on?
5.) The A-Team - $6 million (Accuracy of prediction - 75%)
On the other hand... this one is a big ole flop. So much for "franchise."
Overall accuracy of prediction - 90%
Summer is easy. They make the choices for me. I like it that way.
Okay gang, happy Monday to ya! I hope you have a nice one.
Spider-man still not chosen, Don Glover still not screened
I like to believe this Donald Glover for Spider-man movement is bigger than it is. By Dong Lover's own conversations, he's flattered at how far it did get. Hell, Stan Lee acknowledged it, and that was more than enough for DG, who grew up idolizing comic book creators. Stop and think about that for a moment. We're having to try and beg these numb-nutted teenage male douches into considering a role and a guy who is just perfect for it, who has such passion for it, can't get a screen test. Yes, it still pisses me off. I believe the fanboy reaction has been unduly racist but the Hollywood fatcat rationale isn't overtly racist so much as it is "pragmatic." They don't want to court controversy, they want to just make money.
So here's an idea for them: Give him a screen test. "Wait, but Ryan, that sounds exactly like what you were asking for anyway!" I know, that's because I'm a f**king genius. See, all the suits need to do is give him a test and tell the world about it. Whammo, there would be unprecedented publicity for the reboot. Last time I checked, it was a good thing to have free press still, right? I'm not talking about giving him the gig, I'm talking about giving him a very public test screening. Telling fans "we did this for you, because you demanded it" would make them feel empowered and like a part of the process. It would be a chance to make a splash with the casting process in a way they're not going to now. They are demanding it, just check out the awesome art that's still being made: This whole post came from the fact that Sony is getting real close to naming one of the following people to be Spidey: Jamie Bell, Anton Yelchin, Aaron Johnson, Andrew Garfield, Alden Ehrenreich, and Logan Lerman. Exactly what kind of overwhelming fan response is going to come from "Ladies and gentlemen, I give you your new Spider-man: Alden Ehrenreich!!!" Seriously? I mean, yes the Interwebs will fire up with searches for the new lead's name within minutes of his announcement as having the role, but the most intriguing, most talked-about name is the one not mentioned in that sentence. If you give Donny G a shot in the suit, you would satiate the hunger of a vocal minority. You would look classy. You would possibly actually find your Spidey, but that's beyond the point. A guy who loves Spider-man would get a chance to dress as Spider-man and would never forget it. So don't do it because it makes sense, or because it's your best option. Do it because it will make you money down the road from fans who would be instantly supportive after your bold willingness to listen to them. It's not too late to win this one, guys. And don't forget, America: go to twitter and type #donald4spiderman. Let's keep the dream alive.
Happy Monday to ya! I hope your weekend was just disgustingly, disturbingly enjoyable for you. Mine was a weird blend of super-busy Saturday and sublimely simple Sunday. That's how it should be, in my humblest of opinion. At least, that's how it should be if someone wants me happy and not homicidal to start the work week.
Let's begin today with one of my favorite pastimes, verbally stabbing Tim Burton's giant pinata head. ComingSoon talked to the guy producing the stop-motion Addams Family movie that was rumored to be directed by Burton before Burton's people issued a strong denial. Yeah, the producer officially says he has Burton in mind to direct. Is it possible that Timmy boy could come to his senses and hold firm on his "no" vote? Sure. It's also possible that one day Glenn Beck is going to make a good point, but I'm not holding my breath. I held the theory for awhile that if Burton would just get away from the repetitive crap he's been treading water in, he could do something of value. Then I remembered this: That was going to be Tim Burton's Superman, obviously starring Nicholas Cage. That was his idea. He thought that looked good. As it stands, he has something like 6 projects in the works, ranging from Frankenweenie to Mai the Psychic Girl. None of them sound appealing to me. Maybe I'm still pissed about Alice in Wonderland. And just so nobody thinks I'm some kind of self-righteous prick, I'm not against selling out. I just no longer think that's what Burton has done. I used to think he just successfully found an audience who will buy his bullshit with such force that he's now Lord of Hot Topic. He's not just going back to the well for cash. I believe this is all he ever had to give. Sadface.
It's not a flop so much as a dud. I would expand, but it doesn't really feel worth it. Here's the review!
Secret Agent Bland Knight and Day should have tried harder
Tom Cruise is going to have to die.
Sucks to be him, but that’s his only shot at redemption. Somehow a country that has bleached Michael Jackson’s molestation lawsuit settlements from their collective consciousness as readily as he bleached his skin has decided that Cruise’s daffy giddiness over a woman he remains faithfully married to and a curt exchange with a morning TV personality is nigh unforgivable. More people leap to defend statutory rapist Roman Polanski than Cruise, who is guilty of being a misguided douche-nozzle and nothing more.
Why does this matter? Because Knight and Day is friggin’ old-school, yo. It works on the now-fading premise that you take a ridonkulously charismatic male movie star (Cruise) and pair him with a high-beam-smile-wielding mega actress (Cameron Diaz), and the rest will sort itself out. Plot, schmot. Even the title of the movie is gibberish; Cruise’s character’s last name is revealed to be Knight but the day part was pulled from behind someone’s ear like a phantom quarter. They are selling Cruise and Diaz and that’s it. Problem is, nobody’s willing to buy the former, and the latter can barely make being unconscious seem convincing. The film was doomed from concept.
And what a slim concept. It goes like this: Roy Miller (Cruise) is a superspy on the outs with his agency because he got framed when he tried to stop his dirty partner, Fitzgerald (Peter Sarsgaard), from trying to sell a perpetual power battery, designed by a wunderkind named Simon Feck (Paul Dano), to mobsters. Whilst in mid-escape, Miller gets smitten with June Havens (Diaz), a sweet nobody who gets pulled into shootouts, shoved into vehicles and wedged into a bikini. Folks, that’s it.
Diaz is given exactly two things to do: smile and pass out from being drugged. Had screenwriter Patrick O’Neill and director James Mangold asked her to do just one of those, she’d have been pressed to her limit. Cruise, on the other hand, is breezy action brilliance. He’s a double-barrel blast of toothy grins showcased in stunts he clearly did himself. That is to say, the ones they’d let him do, as opposed to the ill-conceived computer-generated ones. Speaking of which, note to O’Neill and Mangold: The running of the bulls is in Pamplona, not Seville, and those weren’t bulls, those were badly pixelated blobs with horns. Try harder.
That advice extends to other areas as well, as O’Neill so badly underwrote the villain that his name is truncated throughout from Fitzgerald to Fitz, as if even affording him extra syllables was too much work to type. Everyone’s focus, including Mangold’s, was solely on the chemistry, which did, in fact, sizzle. But if everything around the sizzlers is a limp, wet noodle, it’s hard to really start a fire.
Cruise needs out of pop culture prison. Sadly, Knight and Day won’t sway the parole board. Like the actor, the film is fun, harmless and stupid, and although that used to be good enough for stars and movies alike, nobody’s buying it anymore.
As per usual these days, I'll be back later with a review of Knight and Day. I would have it done already but I am wayyyy too tired to care right now.
Speaking of Knight and Day, it's going to flop. Not because it's bad, it really isn't, but because it's just a star-driven project that features a star everyone has suspicions about and a star that I'm sick of watching despite being incredibly attractive. You could really flip those descriptions and they work for either actor. As for the other new release of the week, America, I have a favor to ask. Could we NOT make Grown Ups a hit? I mean, could you do that for me? I'd really appreciate it. See, if it does make $100 million, we're going to keep seeing movies with Kevin James, Adam Sandler, David Spade, and Rob Schneider. Chris Rock should go back to standup, but at least he has talent, so I'll leave him out of this rant. The other dudes belong skimming algae off of pools or something. Sandler wouldn't be the funniest friend I have at this point. None of them should be encouraged to continue this kind of tomfoolery. Do not reward them. Oh, and Kevin James is big, but he's not morbidly obese. The jokes about him sinking boats and being a big ole fatty don't work. None of the jokes work. I hate this.
At least there's Toy Story 3 to hold down the fort. Here's how I see this week, haiku style:
1.) Toy Story 3 - $68 million
You go, little toys. You show them what good looks like. Destroy the Grown-Ups!
2.) Grown Ups - $37 million
This hurts me real bad. I want it to do nothing. It's got ROB SCHNEIDER!!!!
3.) Knight and Day - $19 million
So sad to see this. Tom Cruise, the movie star, rules. We only see nuts.
4.) The Karate Kid - $18 million
Keep on kick punching! This year's biggest surprise hit. I wish it was good!
5.) The A-Team - $9 million
I will say this much: Bradley Cooper's a doucheboat. I so love that term.
WILDCARD - Get Him to the Greek - $5 million
See you, Russell Brand. Go back to doing other business. Like Katy Perry.
Be back later with a review! Until then, enjoy Friday!!!!
File this one under plausible but doubtful. ComicBookMovie.com, friends of this site (heehee, that's so cool to say), have posted a rumor that is so juicy to fanboys and fangirls that they are likely salivating like they just found out they make adult-sized Underoos. The rumor says (have I said rumor enough, because it's a rumor...a reaaaaallllly unlikely rumor) that Hank Pym (aka Ant Man) and the Wasp have been cast. The players?
Now, as much as it would excite certain fanbases to see spandex on these two (I'm looking at you, Fillion), this sounds a lot like spot-on fan casting than real, actual Hollywood casting. Joss Whedon directing lends credibility to the Fillion role, and Longoria isn't exactly busy, so it's possible. Hell, it may even be real. I just can't believe it yet. Also, I'd like to point out that this cast is going to be ridiculous no matter what, just by sheer nature of the project. This reminds me, I wouldn't spend too much time introducing new characters in The Avengers if it were up to me. You have so many big name actors and characters involved, it's going to be damn hard servicing them all (tee hee) in one movie anyway. If you have to set up origins for new ones, it may be impossible. Wow, I am a negative Nelly on Friday, aren't I? Weird.
Back in the halcyon days of 2002, a far simpler and gentler time, the name M. Night Shyamalan was associated with sheer badassery. Having followed up The Sixth Sense with Unbreakable and Signs, Shyamalan could have sold his used Kleenex to a studio that would develop it into a major motion picture (with Tom Cruise starring as the Kleenex). Then came The Village...(hey, anybody can make one bad movie)...which was followed by Lady in the Water (or two)...which was followed by The Happening (kill him...kill him with fire!). Now the name Shyamalan strikes "meh" into the hearts of men (and fear into the heart of a studio desperately needing The Last Airbender to start a franchise...despite opening the film opposite Twilight: Eclipse, which will be an astronomical hit because the only thing those fans are more than totally wrong is totally dedicated). Hoping to strike while his iron is lukewarm, Shyamalan is shopping around a new idea, complete with a cast committed to it that includes the following folks:
That's interesting, right, given that Willis is still somewhat high profile, Paltrow is riding off of the biggest two films of her career (both rhyme with Schmiron Schman), and Cooper is pretty in demand right now (although, quick side note, EW.com has begun describing him as a doucheboat, a hunky guy who seems like a total douche...I love this term). We don't know much about the plot (Shyamalan HAS to be secretive, it's like his OCD), but we do know a little: it's a dude on the hunt for his missing daughter. So it's like Taken. Only the dad has superpowers. Huhbuhwha?!
Sit back, folks, I'm about to get conflicted. Unbreakable may be one of the top superhero movies ever made. Still. It IS without question the best original superhero movie ever made. For the longest time, I held out hope that the trilogy Shyamalan spewed about early on would actually happen, seeing Willis' character move from newly found powers to full-on hero. I wanted it so bad, I really did. Then he started pooping out poopy poop and we're left with Mark Wahlberg running from trees and some mute Asian kid who can redirect his pee with his mind or something. I'm not saying I won't like The Last Airbender. I may indeed. I just wanted Unbreakable 2. There are some out there who are postulating, given Willis' involvement and the word superpowers, that this new project is somehow that very sequel.
I doubt it. I doubt it immensely. That said, if it is somehow the case OOOOOOOOH DOOGGGIIEEE does that make me happy. Also, they shouldn't make it secret. Drum up excitement early on! If you're having a problem getting it made, leak that you're trying to make Unbreakable 2 and see who comes out in support. I know I will. If not, it should happen, dammit. We get four flippin' Shrek movies, 5 Scary Movies, and 6 Saw films but we can't get 2 films in a series built for it? Sometimes I hate this planet.
Here's the conflicted part: I may love it even if it isn't Unbreakable 2. Given Shyamalan's deft handling of the first film, I may find myself totally enjoying another original take on superpowers that isn't the sequel I've wanted. Wait, am I saying that I would be happy either way? This will never work.
Why, good morning you beautiful blog-enthusiasts! Once more, I'd like to congratulate you on both surviving until Thursday and your immense curiosity about my junk (I don't blame you, it's huge this week). As always, congressional rules and my good upbringing require me to mention that I don't mean what you think I mean when I say junk. Oh, great googly moogly, no. What I actually mean is that I'm about to present unto you a collection of movie tidbits that are too small to warrant an actual, full blog post unto themselves. That sentence had two "untos" in it, which means I win that game of bizarre blogger bingo I've been playing. Anyhoodle, the other tradition we partake in before getting started is weird. I'm just being honest. I don't know why I started it or why I continue it other than it's tradition and it amuses me. What we do is look at the creepy image of a junk drawer (taken from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN) and pick an item from it to write a funny, weird-ass story about. Today's item is the screw in the middle of the drawer. Sally was a sentient screw. Fully conscious and very much filled with intellect and awareness, Sally discovered that her major obstacle in life was not the rampant invasion of her screw-person by a Philips-head screw driver (she rather liked that, to be honest) so much as it was her complete lack of a mouth. She had tried to communicate with God, the giant being who moved her to and fro with his giant hands, by scratching out words in the wood, but he only blamed his children, the Godlings who once shoved Sally up their noses. She had managed to work her way from the wall back into a safer place after years of trying. Now, if only she could convince the twine next to her to forgo the centuries of conflict between the screw people and the rope people, maybe she'd have a chance...
Okay, enough shenanigans, let's get to this week's junk!
1.) An idea so good it won't happen - I thoroughly enjoyed Sherlock Holmes, and not just for the rampant Rachel McAdams-ness of it (although, wow did that not hurt things). It was a good time and a nice introduction to the new versions of Holmes and Watson, who are totally gay for each other. If you don't get that comment, I'll just briefly summarize that the wench who owns the rights to the characters took such umbrage at Robert Downey Jr's suggestion that there was homoerotic tension between the two leads that she threatened to deny future use. I took that as an invitation to assert that Watson is the pocket for Holmes's magnifying glass as often as possible. I may not be able to teach her tolerance, but I can damn sure guarantee ample material will be found when she sadly Googles Sherlock Holmes + Watson + Gay Lovers. Back to the movie. The problem wasn't the Brokeback-ing; the problem was the villain, who was just weird and irrelevant. Well, Superherohype.com claims this won't be a problem next time. Early rumors had it that Brad Pitt, good buddy to director Guy Ritchie, had shot a cameo as Moriarty. Well, he didn't. So who may play perhaps the greatest supervillain ever in the next flick? Oh, howsabout this guy?
I realize the chances of DDL deciding to forgo his dedication to offbeat projects with incredible artists directing them is slim, but boy howdy would he be a great Moriarty. His role in Gangs of New York remains one of the best villainous performances ever. This may all be pipe dreams (get it, Holmes smokes a pipe...and Watson), but I'm holding out hope big time.
2.) Redemption, Damon by thy name! - I want so badly for Cameron Crowe to come back to us. As I've mentioned before, homeboy straight killed every movie he touched before dropping Elizabethtown on our faces and running away, screaming "Damn you, Dunst! Damn you and your weird teeth straight to hell!" That movie was dead in the casting phase, as somehow he picked Orlando Bloom to carry an entire film that seemed written around creating another good soundtrack (a Crowe staple). Well, if casting is a concern this time, Variety has some good news: Matt Damon is the front-runner for the lead in We Bought a Zoo. Based on the true story of a family with no zoo experience who bought a zoo to live in, the film will likely be schmaltzy and have too much animal humor for my liking (my liking is for zero animal humor). Still, if Damon takes the lead, I feel good about it. Dude doesn't pick a lot of bad projects. I hope this is a sign that Crowe is back on the road to awesome, a place where the Bloom/Dunst population is zero.
3.) Escape from this idea - MovieWeb has an interview with Breck Eisner. Yes, calm down, the guy who directed Sahara does still occasionally give interviews to us mere mortals. He's going to direct the Escape from New York remake, which should in no way happen so it will. In discussing ridiculous things about how 9/11 has some kind of influence on the remake of a campy John Carpenter film, he dropped the news that he would like Timothy Olyphant to play the Snake Plisskin part. That's a really good idea, if the rest of this wasn't such a bad idea. That's like saying, "let's take our Hispanic family and move to Arizona where I have a winning lottery ticket to cash in." See, on the one hand, you're rich...but you still live in Arizona. Whenever I think of Olyphant, I'm reminded of when I saw Kevin Smith at the comic con shortly after he filmed Catch and Release. He told this great story about how he and Olyphant almost came to blows after Smith said something to the extent of "This ain't 'Deadwood,' Olyphant, you aren't sheriff here." That's just great. Smith also talked about dirty things Ben Affleck told him about Jennifer Garner. I liked that even more than the Olyphant story. So, quick recap: Remaking Escape from New York is a terrible idea. Timothy Olyphant rocks, but shouldn't be in this turd. You shouldn't move to Arizona if you're Hispanic because they will look at you cruelly even if you're rich. Jennifer Garner does weird dirty stuff.
4.) I was already freaking out, now I'm freaking out harder - Peter Travers reviewed Inception way early. Why not? That dude likes EVERYTHING. If I made a movie, I would send it to him first and beg him to release his review. Seriously, if you played a drinking game at your local theater (I don't recommend it...okay, yes I do) where you took a shot every time you walked past a poster with a splash quote from "Rolling Stone" Magazine's quote whore, you would die. What's interesting is that, as Slashfilm notes, the part of his review with zero spoilers (the only part I'd read, I want to go into this one dark) isn't what Warner Brothers would want him to say, even though it's incredibly positive. Here's the excerpt: "We’re so used to being treated like idiots. How to cope with a grand-scale epic, shot in six countries at a reported cost of $160 million, that turns your head around six ways from Sunday? Dive in and drive yourself crazy, that’s how." See, normally old Pete just repeats the company tagline, calling any summer blockbuster a "thrill-ride" and any significant Oscar candidate "A sure-fire Oscar contender." Here, the company friendly play would have been to punch up comparisons to The Matrix and talk about the visuals and exciting action aspects. Instead, he more or less calls it really smart and suggests it's almost an art film. Now, while that's what I want to hear (and boy howdy did it whip me into even more of a frenzy for this flick), I'm guessing Warner Brothers will be searching hard for a quote somewhere in the review that reads "Leonardo DiCaprio is dreamy and the movie is an explosion-fest that even morons will love." Oh, and one more word of warning, do keep yourself limited to Inception coverage on the interwebs. Spoilers are afoot and you don't want to be spoiled, even on your feet.
5.) Trailers, parked - Perhaps the best cast in a movie being made right now is the cast for Red, based on a graphic novel by lunatic and genius Warren Ellis (the comic book writer whose twitter you simply should follow, if only for his brilliant, French-blasting World Cup tweets). Now we have a full trailer, which only serves to further excite me with its fun tone and incredible use of ageless beauty Mary Louise Parker. I'm easily excitable today, I guess. Here it is:
Finally, we have Tomorrow, When the War Began. It's not Red Dawn. Why not? Um, because it's set in Australia...and they have Australian accents? Other than that, it is 100% Red Dawn. This may be a good thing, because the Red Dawn remake supposedly has hit a boatload of snags, so we may never see that. Instead, we get to see the exact same movie, only with weird accents. I'm okay with that.
Alright, that's my junk for the week. Back at you tomorrow for the start of a relaxing weekend, right?
A few notes for you on this fine Wednesday morning. First off, the obligatory disclaimer: I want free crap. I want all of the free crap listed below in particular. And I want it for free. Of course this is all done in jest and is really just an excuse to show you some cool nerd toys and whatnot, but I have actually received some of this swag and I love it. I want companies to send me their wares for review and promotion by contacting me at film@thereader.com and getting my address. I do not expect my friends to do the work of buying me this stuff, but I won't be sending it back if you do. Second, the Pork Board (yes, that's a real thing) sent Thinkgeek.com a cease and desist order for using their slogan "the other white meat" in reference to a fake product they created on April Fool's. The fake product was canned unicorn meat. Yeah, that's right, they felt threatened by the use of "the other white meat" in reference to unicorn. That's great. Third, I want it to stop raining. You can't buy me that, but I want it.
Okay, here's what I want most in the world this week.
1.) Me from the 1980s just pooped a little - How excited am I for Tron Legacy? So excited that I hope they start, you know, ADVERTISING IT SOON. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm going to be there, as are the legion of nerds who grew up on the cult classic. I don't want to be in the theater with just us though, some of us kind of smell. Now, if there's one thing that I would have wanted as a child (and, you know, still want now) after watching Tron, it would be the following, which you won't believe is real so I'm glad this is a video and not just a still shot.
Yeah, that was a toy lightcylce riding on the wall. Oh, and when the other cycle crosses into the light trail of a cycle, the other falls off the wall. I mean, seriously. I would never have left the house. I would have become a hermit or some kind of agoraphobic. So, on the one hand, I'm glad they waited until now, on the other, the child in me is still jealous. They're available somewhere, but I don't know where.
2.) Finally, an energy drink for the apocalypse - Ever since I found out that Rockstar Energy drinks are owned by homophobic douchewads, I've been forced to consider the source of all energy I consume. You'd be surprised how taxing such a thing can be. So, I'm glad to know that someone making the following product has my best interests and the best interests of all of humanity at heart. Those instructions are clearly the best defense we have against a horde of attackers who are undead. I want clarification though. Is this going to make me faster than Romero zombies or 28 Days Later zombies? There's a big difference there. These are available to buy too, but you'll have to Google that shit. I'm too lazy today.
3.) Where am I going to keep all of these rubber bands? - I love it when ThinkGeek solves my problems. I have been deluged with rubber bands. Why, I can barely move my mouse without being pulled back to my starting point by a mini-bungee cord in the form of a rubber band. How can I be successful in life with this rubber band dilemma? I know, I'll wrap them on a tiny mummy!
He starts off looking like this:
And ends up like this:
Bam! All my rubber bands are now clothes to keep this little green guy from being naked! It's great because it shows I'm organized AND I love mummified corpses! My path to a promotion just got a bit easier.
Let's start with the bad news: The Lion King is getting converted to 3D. Yes, that's right, the overrated...I MEAN...beloved Disney film is going to be shoved into the tight-fitting dress that is 3D in order to bilk more unsuspecting movie-going Johns into having one more dirty go at it. In case you couldn't tell, I am not a fan of this idea, as having that dumb bird thing fly at my face during a scene or two isn't going to make the film any better. The music is great in this film, it was the real selling point, and unless somehow Elton John is getting 3D-ified somehow too, there's no need for this. The story itself is lame, admit it, and dressing it up further is just shameful. I know that for many, The Lion King is way high on their list of childhood favorites. That's cool. I saw it when I knew better, so I only listened to the bitchin' tunes and wondered how they got away with making a mentally challenged hyena.
Okay, now the good news: It sounds like the Roger Rabbit sequel is really still coming...at least in some form. The quote from the producer when asked about the sequel was that he couldn't confirm anything, but soon fans would be happy. Now, that could technically mean that they're about to unveil a line of canned rabbit stew in Wal-mart called "Who Maimed Roger Rabbit?" But I'm going to hold out hope that they're going to use the major advances in animation and effects to create an awesome return to a world I loved as a child (as opposed to the brain-damaged hyena movie). Combine this with news that they are working HARD to relaunch The Looney Toons, and I think you may be seeing Roger in some form quite soon indeed. That's great news for people like me and people who don't realize that Jessica Rabbit is a cartoon, even when she's played by Jessica Biel (as below). Hell, maybe she's even more of a cartoon when played by Biel. I actually believe in the cartoon version's acting ability more. Follow me on Twitter!
Shane Carruth is an insanely talented man you've never heard of before. Well, I shouldn't say that so definitively. It's possible you've heard of him before, I mean, I'm sure he has relatives and whatnot (at least a mom, right...biologically he still needs to have had one of those). How I know of Mr. Carruth is through Primer, which would make my top 10 list of most inventive sci-fi films ever.
Quick side note - Should I do more lists? Like top 10 lists of this, that, and the other (well, maybe not the other...the other is an asshole). Other people do them all the time on other movie blogs, but then some readers bitch about how lists aren't really movie news, even though hellloooooo, did you really want me to spend another post describing who may or may not play Thor's loincloth scrubber or which non-American may direct The Hobbit? A sincere question you can feel free to answer, I'm here to please.
Returning to the matter at hand, Primer is soooooo gooooood because it's hella smart. Simplicity interwoven with inventive takes on popular sci-fi themes make the whole thing feel both real and entirely original. It's so great that you need to go watch it right now. Here's the trailer, which isn't revealing of anything, which is great because the surprises are the best part, but does capture the feel...even if someone went a little bonkers on the words printed on screen here.
I mention all this by way of introducing how excited I am about the new script Carruth is apparently shopping around. The Playlist has their hands on A Topiary, which is summarized as follows:
The script begins with a head-scratching thirty minute prologue involving Acre Stowe, a municipal worker of an undisclosed city in the 1980s … investigating strange starbursts he sees in the sky and eventually meets up with a group of people who are also researching this phenomenon and its consequences, amongst other scientific projects ranging in subject from thermochemistry to archaeology. The main story … revolves around ten boys aged seven to eleven living in a small rural town (Carruth is ambiguous in both location and time here) and takes up the remaining two hours of the film. The boys are in possession of a mysterious black box called a “Maker,” which in turn creates mysterious white discs called “funnels.” The group of kids are at once puzzled and fascinated by the nature of the box, and eventually manipulate the discs into other peculiarly named artifacts (petals, arcs, fronds, etc.). Their creations and constructions lead up to their manufacturing of seemingly sentient quasi-mechanical beings dubbed “Choruses.” Almost as if ‘Topiary’ were an abstract arthouse take on Pokémon, you can imagine the competition and troubles the beings create amongst the children.
I want to go to there. I want to go to there now. Dear Hollywood: Remember how this summer had been a giant turd burrito at the box office, likely because we had tired of all of the sequels and remakes. Please, please, please fund this movie. I'm hoping that if something like Inception, which looks both dazzling and original, really hits like I think it can, a movie this unique may have a chance. You have no idea how bad I want to see this thing right now.
I've been drooling at the thought of a Michel Gondry superhero movie. Say what you will about Be Kind, Rewind, it looked unique and was heartfelt, and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is the best movie of the 2000s. Gondry combined with Seth Rogen as a superhero? How can this be anything other than something weird and original! I mean, even if it's a misfire, it will be a creative, strange misfire right? We're so bored with the boring, by-the-books, cross-demographic superhero movies that lean on light comedy and tell a run-of-the-mill origin story. By now, we've seen all the goofy explosions and stale zoom-in-zoom-out camera angles that reveal the "bad-ass equipment." This is Michel friggin' Gondry! What is an action sequence going to look like? I'm so pumped! Here's the trailer!
Wait...what? Who abducted Gondry? Did he die and get replaced by the guy who did Night at the Museum? Where's the originality? The playfulness? This is Christoph Waltz's follow-up to his Oscar! Where's the villainous creativity? What the hell happened?! I'll settle for terrible! Terrible doesn't bother me, but boring...oh hell no. How did this happen? Did the studio neuter Gondry (literally)? I mean, what the hell?!?!?! I'm hoping this is just a terrible trailer and nothing more, but wow does this look so generic as to be totally forgettable. Maybe there's a reason it took years upon years to get made. Lifeless. Dull. Wow. I'm depressed. Happy Tuesday, sad pandas.
Folks, we can now resume our daily lives: We now have photographic evidence that Tyrese is, for sure, in Transformers 3: Michael Bay Hates All of Us. 5 things we can tell from this first leaked image from Transformers 3: Poop Strikes Back:
1.) We can finally get some answers to the complex character Tyrese has portrayed in two previous films. Like, how does he feel about skull caps? Is he willing to duck lower than Shia LaBeouf? Does he like military-esque fanny packs? How about elbow tattoos? These questions and more will be answered in Transformers 3: Look at What You've Done, America.
2.) Shia LaBeouf will win any stupid reaction contest you can hold.
3.) The characters in the third movie still think they can shoot giant alien robots with bullets and be effective.
4.) LaBeouf is holding firm to his "only leather jackets" wardrobe clause in his contract.
5.) God still isn't swayed by the evil of Bay enough to have the earth swallow the production of Transformers 3: Nazibots, Teaparticons, and Bigotmachines.
I like Dr. Strange. I was just discussing the character the other day, how he really stands out in the Marvel universe because, just like sensible immigration legislation, magic is rare. In DC's universe, you can't walk to your mailbox without tripping on a magician or sorcerer of some sort. Seriously, I'm half convinced there are no mechanics in Metropolis, only wizards who mystically heal cars. At any rate, Deadline is reporting that Dr. Strange will magically appear on screens soon, as Disney (God that feels weird to say still) is making their first Marvel movie. They hired Thomas Donnelly and Joshua Oppenheimer to write the film, which isn't all that encouraging because the latter guy's name is the same as the guy who helped invent the atomic bomb. Speaking of bombs, both also just wrote Conan, which looks, um, swell? No worries though, they also wrote an adaptation of a video game and a draft of Cowboys and Aliens. Although I'm jealous of their success, I fear their work. Maybe we should let one of their movies come out before giving them more work? I have this notion of Dr. Strange having some kind of "mystical firearms" and being played by Justin Bieber.
Okay, so technically Toy Story 3 didn't set a record, but it's early. Given the relative lack of family films (or any films) of quality this summer, there's every chance that TS3 is going to set the all-time animation record. Yeah, I said it. There's virtually nothing standing between it and unparalleled success, and it even has 3D going for it. The world is Buzz and Woody's oyster. In other news, tip your cap and bow your head, Megan Fox's career died on Sunday, June 20th. If she can't even portray a hooker effectively, she has no further hope. She will now commence a career consisting entirely of appearing in gentlemen magazines where's she almost shows booby but never does. You make women with talent proud, Miss Fox!
Okay, here's the rest of the box office results, haiku style.
1.) Toy Story 3 - $109 million (Accuracy of prediction - 95%)
These toys aren't playing. They're out for box office blood! Faster, Buzz, KILL KILL!
2.) Karate Kid - $29 million (Accuracy of prediction - 95%)
The younger Smith rules. Back at home, there will be blood. Only one can rule!
3.) The A-Team - $14 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)
It's not a big flop. But it is a mini-bomb. So it's like kaboom
4.) Get Him to the Greek - $6.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)
A nice little film taking in a nice tally. That's...what's the word? Nice!
5.) Shrek Forever After - $5.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 82%)
The summer's big flop, and yet nobody says it. Let me then: This sucked.
Overall Accuracy of Prediction - 90.4%
Summer is now here! And yet I am not on break. This is so not fair.
Okay, that's it guys, happy Monday, be productive.
Peter Jackson is too busy to do The Hobbit and, wisely, probably doesn't want to return to the series where he last won an Oscar. It was part of the deal, I think...that we all understood that to be the last time he'd visit the Shire. With Guillermo Del Toro bowing out and Jackson saying no, who does that leave? What about...Neill Blomkamp? District 9 may be about as far away from Hobbitses as possible, but it did show that he's able to take fantastical ideas and make them totally believable. Plus, he's Jackson's bitch. And by bitch, I mean protege, which is far nicer sounding because it's French (right?). This is by no means a sure thing and likely is not going to happen, mainly because Blomkamp is shockingly committed to making his own original ideas, an attitude likely to get him stoned to death by copycats in Hollywood. It does, however, represent the most logical solution in front of the players involved. Jackson wants to only relinquish the series to someone he trusts. That list is small (just like hobbits). I would be thrilled, absolutely thrilled, if this came to pass, but none of it means anything so long as MGM has its finances in a wad. How does a studio that has a hand in both James Bond and Lord of the Rings shit the bed so bad that they're in bankruptcy? It's beyond me.
This is Armond White: He writes reviews for "New York Press," an alt-weekly, has written many books, has had a distinguished career contributing to the New York Critics circles, and is a total f**king douchebag, and we need to talk about why.
This weekend, White gave Toy Story 3 a negative review and Jonah Hex a positive review. Let that shit wash over you like a filth shower. TS3 was sitting at 100% "fresh" on Rottentomatoes before White dropped his douchebomb, and Hex had a whopping 8% positive response before White deposited his douchethoughts. Could Hex be fun and TS3 be overrated? Yeah, sure, youbetcha. They aren't, but they could be. That's not what we need to address here.
See, this contrariness is nothing new for Armond "Captain Ass-brain" White, champion not of truth nor justice but of himself. He pans quality films routinely in order to get personal attention, celebrates trash to get noticed, and once suggested that Noah Baumbach should have been aborted. Roger Ebert calls him a troll. White agrees with the overwhelming popular consensus a slender 52% of the time. In his Toy Story 3 review, he unfavorably compared the film to Transformers 2. He is the scourge of movie critics everywhere, and not because he disagrees with most of us. He's a piece of shit because he's trying to minimize and mock what we do.
My theory has been for quite some time that White is more or less a performance artist. Yeah, you heard me. He treats his paper like a stage, the internet like a theater. He saunters out, recommends crap and pans quality, then retreats behind the curtain to let people ask "Who was that guy?! Why would he do that?!" It would be brilliant if, you know, I didn't take it seriously and film criticism weren't already under attack.
What bothers me even more: It only works if he's the only one doing it. So, his moderate amount of fame and quasi-celebrity is based on me and others like me doing a good job and going virtually unknown. Thanks for that, Armond, now if you could go choke on Michael Bay's manhood, everything would be great. I know that movie critics aren't beloved anymore (if they ever were), but I love writing about movies and talking about them with others. I like talking about them with people who disagree with me the best, which is why White sucks so bad. You can't discuss movies with a guy like that. Because it's all an act, because it's some nonsensical work of theater he's perpetrating, you can't really respond to his criticisms. How do you reasonably discuss something with someone who is arguing that Transformers 2 has merit? How do you do that? You can't. He shuts down conversations, not starts them. He tries to show how pointless thinking about and reflecting about movies is, he does not encourage it. He's a jester. A clown. A "troll" attempting to make his own "art" on the works of other, actual artists and the critics who respond to them.
And just so we're clear, I don't mind people with bad opinions. People are entitled to bad opinions. For example, there's another chode named Cole Smithey, whose reviews I have read more times than I'd care to admit despite their being penned just outside the third grade reading level. He panned Toy Story 3 shortly after Armond "the turd" White did. Why am I not raging against Smithey? He's an idiot with bad perspective. I think he's wrong and bad at what he does, not mean spirited and self-aggrandizing at the cost of others. He misses the point because (in my opinion) he's just wrong. White misses it on purpose. White is incredibly intelligent, a rather talented wordsmith, and fully capable of producing work of merit. He just doesn't do so because he wants attention, because he wants to skewer me and others like me, and because he wishes he were gifted in a different area that he isn't.
This will be the last time I do more than just make Armond White jokes, as giving him attention is, quite obviously, his entire endgame. I encourage you to think of him as an asspimple, then more on from him. More or less, I wrote this because I'm pissy and because I wanted you all to be in on the jokes when they start rolling, which they will shortly.
So, in conclusion, Armond White you suck. Not because you have a different perspective, a unique window of insight, but because you are an affront to hundreds of other people and a thief of the attention deserved to other works of art. Shame on you.
Avast ye mateys, it be Monday again! Blaarrrrrgggh! Why am I talking like a pirate (as in a "booty plunderer," not a Pittsburgh Pirate...because then I'd just have said "Rats, lost again")? Well, Omaha is currently in the midst of their rainy season, during which we accumulate so much precipitation that my house has now been washed away into Iowa. Is there a worse fate than to surprisingly wake up in Iowa? I kid, of course, as Iowa is far more socially and politically tolerant and has superior roads (I got mad love for you, Iowa). Can anyone tell that the relentless thunderstorms that have awoken me with rattling windows for what feels like a full month now have finally taken enough sleep from me that I'm rambling about pirates and Iowa?!
Anyway, Latino Review is far more alert and awake than I am, and they've announced a rumor that is potentially totally, massively, hugely small! Marvel Comics is contemplating introducing it's lesser characters to movie audiences via short films before bigger tentpole pictures. So you'd have characters like Luke Cage and Dr. Strange popping up before things like Captain America. Um, hello, yes please. This is perhaps Marvel's best idea since "You know what I think? I think we should make comic books, not chairs made out of horse faces!" The number one reason I'm a fan of this? You don't need to shoehorn in a cameo anymore. I liked Iron Man 2 a lot, but I thought without the Black Widow, they'd have had time to make it even better. With the flexibility of showing audiences The Black Panther without figuring out how Thor is going to end up in the jungles of Africa to meet him, Marvel has the best of both worlds. Personally, I sincerely hope this happens. Then again, you knew that.
No Country for Old Toys Toy Story 3 and the afterlife of playthings Ryan Syrek
If the theology behind the Toy Story series is correct, we’re evil bastards, all of us. After a lifetime spent in servitude to their increasingly dispassionate and demanding masters, we sentence these sentient creations who want only to create joy and love to spend eternity in a dark attic or to find oblivion in an incinerator. Thanks for the memories, once beloved creatures of our youth; hope you enjoy cardboard purgatory or trash hell!
Pixar, the only Michelangelo in a world populated by finger-painting computer animation studios, often infuses sophisticated, classically childlike fare with heady intellect. With Toy Story 3, screenwriters John Lasseter, Michael Arndt and Andrew Stanton and writer/director Lee Unkrich weave obligatory themes of enduring friendship with contemplations on life’s purpose, explorations of the molting experienced in young adulthood and, you know, some fun stuff.
In an interesting meta-twist facilitated by the decade between the second and third installments, those who saw the first film in theaters as toddlers are now somewhere in their late teens and 20s and are just as ready to relegate Buzz Lightyear (Tim Allen) and Woody (Tom Hanks) to their mental attic as their fictional owner Andy (John Morris) is. Wisely realizing college opportunities for young men are limited by ample toy collections, Andy marks only Woody for higher learning and the rest for the boxed limbo of storage.
Ever the escapists, the cavalcade of kiddie creatures work their way into a daycare facility that seemingly offers an endless fix for the toys’ addiction to playtime. Welcomed by an aged, plush teddy bear named Lotso (Ned Beatty) and his right-hand doll, Barbie’s mate Ken (Michael Keaton), the gang’s happiness quickly morphs into yet another Rube Goldberg-esque series of escape attempts. It all culminates in a harrowing moment that sees the characters quite explicitly come to grips with their own seemingly inevitable demise…so there’s that.
The high-wire act of melding philosophical reflections with goofy, slapstick action is made all the more difficult because the insertion of 3D is particularly gimmicky this time out. Whereas with Pixar’s Up, the perspective alteration felt organic and warranted, here it feels as cheap and extraneous as the multiple “Ken is effeminant” jokes. Looks like it’s never too young to teach kids that boys who do girl things should be mercilessly ridiculed. Thankfully, the inclusive “we’re all in this together” motif far outweighs the light-but-stupid overreliance on ascot jokes.
Where the funny really comes from is elaborately conceived adventure sequences and clever twists on familiar characters. From Buzz being switched to SAP mode to Woody forced to discuss improvisational acting talents with a stuffed porcupine who is trying to really sell a tea party, the key is humor that seamlessly works on two levels. If nothing else, Toy Story 3 should be hailed as a conquering hero for being the first animated feature to wholly forgo fart jokes.
Although the series could have stopped after the first or second effort without feeling incomplete, the end of the third installment feels definitive. Its message about relegating those trapped fragments of youth to memory seems to speak directly to the very audiences who elevated The Karate Kid remake to a box office win last week. Although gobs of money may convince them otherwise, Pixar seems ready to gracefully move on from the franchise that spawned them, and audiences will likely happily release their grip as well. As for the toys themselves, they apparently get to spend the remainder of their immortal lives longing for returned love or the sweet release of death. Have fun thinking about that one, kids!
I'll be back later on today with a Toy Story 3 review, but for now, you just console yourself with some wickedly hilarious haikus. Okay, maybe not wicked hilarious, but you try being funny about Jonah Hex. Actually, that's pretty easy. Speaking of the movie that has yet to convince one critic in America that it doesn't suck the shell off of an egg, it's going to do poorly. Like, "why did this happen to some good people" kind of poorly. Not doing poorly: Toy Story 3, which had a theater absolutely packed at midnight last night. Speaking of that, quick anecdote for you. My friend, Matt, and I went to go see the movie and were SHOCKED to find the theater populated entirely (and I mean ENTIRELY) with people aged 16-22. We were old men. This just in: People aged 16-22 apparently do not know how to appropriately watch a movie in a theater. With one guy making ridiculous noises to get attention, half the audience calling out to one another from ACROSS THE THEATER, a girl who laughed during every sincere moment (I mean LAUGHED too, not giggled), and three quarters of the audience expressing absolute astonishment by the magic of 3D throughout the film, it was easily the worst collective audience I've ever seen a movie with. I won't hold this against Toy Story 3. It was great.
Anyway, here's my predictions for the weekend, haiku style.
1.) Toy Story 3 - $120 million
The best "3" ever? I'd say it is possible. Suck on that Eclipse!
2.) The Karate Kid - $32 million
Step one is complete. Step two involves an album. Jaden Smith is HERE!
3.) Jonah Hex - $15 million
Megan Fox sucks bad. She has a Southern accent. Just think about that.
4.) The A-Team - $14 million
So much for that plan. There will be no franchise here. Neeson is soooo pissed.
5.) Shrek Forever After - $7.5 million
Goodbye you booger. Pixar will kick your booty. So what else is new?
WILDCARD - Get Him to the Greek - $6.5 million
I think I'll own this. There's so much funny in it. Russell Brand is god.
Okay, that's it for now, back later with a review for you!
Bloody Disgusting is reporting that Don "The Real Deadle" Cheadle is going to star in the upcoming prequel to Planet of the Apes titled Rise of the Apes, which actually sounds (gasp) cool? Yeah, I mean it. James Franco is the lead in the film that details the rise of Caesar, an ape that is the bridge between the talking monkeys in charge of bossing a topless Charlton Heston around and the ones that fling poo at me when I wave at them in the zoo. Cheedle's role is unspecified, but since the apes are all going to be CGI, he won't be playing one of them. This isn't the big news I've come here to tell you. The big news is for a friend of mine who has a thing for Freida Pinto...and by "has a thing for" I mean "she should file a preemptive restraining order." Pinto, who has appeared in absolutely nothing since Slumdog Millionaire other than my friend's dreams, is going to also star in the monkey movie, also probably not as a monkey. The cast is shaping up quite nicely for this little prequel, and the script has been given the kind of love that my friend wants to give to Freida Pinto. Provided that WETA (the guys behind Lord of the Rings) can make fake apes that look half as good as my friend thinks Freida Pinto looks, then we will have something on his hands. My friend wishes he had Freida Pinto on his hands. I'm done now.
Looking at Lauren Graham is a lot like being shot in the face by a cannon filled with puppies and hugs. Look at her. Don't you want to hug the shit out of her? Don't you want to cuddle her until her face falls off? It's appropriate that my post has taken a weirdly macabre slant to it, as Graham told Jay Leno that she's going to be in Scream 4. I know what you're thinking and, relax, I read it on the Internet. I haven't watched Leno in forever. Oh, not because I sided with Conan (which I did) but because I don't watch things that suck. Just a thing with me. Graham will be playing the role of the lead character's mother, which would have been a blow to Graham's ego, had she not played the young, hot momma in "The Gilmore Girls" for years. Oh, and take note, Hollywood: That woman has zero Botox, zero plastic surgery, is 43 years old, and looks absolutely adorable. Seriously, I just want to braid her hair or get in a tickle fight with her. She's been scientifically created to make me love her.
Seriously? Thursday? How the hell did that happen? This time warp has been brought to you by exhaustion, long summer nights, and work projects you wish would never were but looks like they will be for a very long time. Today's music has been carefully selected by The Reader's own Jesse Stanek, who enlightened me as to "Broken Hearts and Dirty Windows," the John Prine tribute CD. My morning has begun with the explicit instructions to move to the country and eat a lot of peaches. Although I'm disobeying, I think Prine really meant sit in front of a computer and create a blog that has a title intended to sound dirty.
That's right, you haven't come here to hear tell of how brilliant I find the cover of Bruised Orange by Justin Vernon of Bon Iver, you've come here to see my junk. You only get to peek at my junk once a week, so this is a special time for you. I don't want to stall any longer. So, I'll begin the normal disclaimer (which is to say that by junk I mean movie tidbits that aren't big enough to warrant their own post) and the normal shenanigans (we take an item from the creepy illustration of a junk drawer above from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN and make up a fictional backstory on it). Cue shenanigans: Today's item is the fuzzy string thing in the middle of the drawer. Carl was a proud man. Carl was also a reasonable man. Carl was a man in love. Knowing full well that his beloved Lucille would never consent to marriage so long as he was the proud owner of the second longest eyebrows in Guiness Records history, Carl threw away more than a decade with two snips. In his junk drawer lay his secret shame, his one ticket to instant marginal celebrity. Then again, because of his newfound hygiene, in his bedroom lay Lucille.
Okay, enough goofing around, let's get to showing the faceless public my junk!
1.) Whoa, Gravity sounds heavy! - Children of Men might be (I stress might be) the best sci-fi film of the last decade. I know I'm prone to hyperbole, but for realz yo, it's all kinds of really good. So, consider me pant-shitting excited for Alfonso Cuaron's Gravity, a sci-fi movie starring Robert Downey Jr. Why am I pooping pants for this? Well, The Playlist explained that the 3D film will be 60% CGI, the opening will be a 20 minute continuous shot, and the plot will follow the survivor of a space accident desperately trying to return to Earth. I'm like the elevator in a high-rise skyscraper after a kid with ADD climbed in: All my buttons are getting pushed. Seriously, how does this not sound beautiful and brilliant. In the hands of real artists, sci-fi is the single most promising and vital genre. Why? Because the rules are gone. You can do whatever you want, however you want. Ursula LeGuin once said that sci-fi is just the artist asking "what if?" Let me tell you a "for sure" as opposed to a "what if." I cannot wait for this movie.
2.) News for Twi-hards and those who hate them - The only thing more shocking that Twilight existing is the people who like the series. I know some seriously smart, good people who love the O-negative out of the series. This doesn't change my opinion of them at all, nor does it change my opinion of the series. I'm a Cubs fan, so I get loving things that are just no good. Anyway, you fall into one of two camps: You either read all the books and love the movies and thus won't be spoiled by what I'm about to talk about or you didn't read the books and don't care at all about the movies so you won't care that I'm about to spoil what happens in the final book/movies. Just in case, I'll give you an image buffer before I really get started. Okay, ready? The screenwriter of the final two movies that spawn out of the single book "Breaking Dawn" told the LA Times that they may not even show the childbirth scene, also known as the only reason I want to see these movies at all. If you haven't, please read Devin from Chud's rundown of the book’s insanity, because it's brilliant. Point is, some seriously, monumentally whacked out bullshit happens in these books and I am dying to know how they're going to handle it. Here's the thing, I can't believe there weren't riots by the Twi-hards when they read the concluding book. I mean, if I were reading "Lord of the Rings," and in the last book Legolas fell in love with Aragorn's daughter AS A BABY, I would have dug up the corpse of JRR Tolkein so I'd have a place to put my pee. And for the last time, there is no way to handle this appropriately. It's not plutonium that can be handled while wearing a containment suit, it's more like trying to scoop up the pieces of an atomic bomb and put them back together again.
3.) I have a fable for you about "Fables"- Okay, Pajiba lies a lot. I shouldn't say lie, that's not nice. They run stories that have less fact and truth to them than Fox News, howsabout that? I just wanted to put that disclaimer on there because the following story, while appealing, makes no sense. The scoop is that David Yates (director of the last 4 Harry Potter movies) is possibly going to direct the adaptation of "Fables" for the big screen. Exciting? No. Wait, why? Why isn't it exciting that the really intelligent comic book series about fairy tale characters living in a secret land in the modern world is going to be made into a movie? Because it deserves to be an ongoing television series (where it would TOTALLY be immensely popular, I promise), which last we heard it was going to be. This source from YEARS ago had it in TV development. Is it possible something changed? Is it possible Yates is directing the pilot? How is Yates that popular when he really hasn't done anything all that insanely noteworthy and yet in one week he's been rumored for both The Hobbit AND Fables? I don't have all the answers. I'm just a guy telling jokes in a column named after his junk. Don't pressure me. Point is, I want a TV series for "Fables," but I will take whatever I can get.
4.) I am ready to run - I enjoy running. I mean for exercise and not when something is chasing me. Of course, what I'm talking about here is the news that Alex Garland, writer of 28 Days Later, The Beach (he wrote the novel), and Sunshine, is writing Logan's Run. So, I'm on board now. I loved each of those movies, YES including The Beach. I looked on YouTube to find the clip of him in the infamous video game scene from that movie, but the only results I found were for the video "Leonardo DiCaprio - Touch Me There." Now, I like the guy, but I don't need him touching me. He's got greasy hair and starred in The Man in the Iron Mask, he doesn't get to touch me. Anyway, Garland has some really great ideas and has shown with the movies listed above that he knows how to make sci-fi and horror into something more than just popular fluff. As most of you know, Logan's Run is about a society where people are euthanized at a certain age, instead of just being shuffled to Florida to skew our electoral college. There is some obvious ground for social commentary and I am pumped that Garland is involved. There's not a lot of funny in this blurb, but I'm not your singing, dancing fun monkey, okay? Sometimes I just have some good insight. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go eat a banana while doing a karaoke version of Ke$ha and grinding this pole.
5.) Trailers, parked - We have a buffet of WTF for you today, so grab a plate.
First up is The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, which (A) yes they made already even though you didn't know it, (B) had its trailer debut on a Brazillian fan site for the Narnia series, and (C) is already coming out this Christmas (a much better time to debut religiously based materials). I don't hold out much hope for it, even though I didn't HATE either of the first two installments. That said, if I can get another poor CGI river Jesus, I'm in. See for yourself.
Okay, next up is...well, nobody knows. The Polish Brothers (finally, some respect for my people) have directed...this? It's some teaser for something that...well, look just watch it and know that the project is set to come out in 2011 even though nobody knows quite what it is or that it existed in the first place.
Next up is Never Let Me Go by...wait for it...ALEX GARLAND! Okay, so it's directed by Mark Romanek, but Garland adapted the famous novel, making this column staggeringly cohesive today. The film is weirdly creepy looking and yet really appealing. You know I'm in. Who's coming with me?
Okay, that's it y'all. Happy Thursday to you. Start getting your weekend preparations straight and I'll see you tomorrow to kick things off, proper.
That's an ice straw. A straw that is also ice. They have the molds to make it at that ThinkGeek link. You can quell years of straw vs ice violence with one slurp. Hats off to this bold invention for peace.
You press the plastic onto your toast back when it's only bread, and whammo, the toasting makes a pirate skull and crossbones appear. Then you can eat your PB&J or tuna fish sandwich like a total f**king badass. Who will mess with your decision to eat egg salad now? Seriously, say something to the guy with a f**king SKULL on his toast. I dare you.
You've been warned.
That's an ice straw. A straw that is also ice. They have the molds to make it at that ThinkGeek link. You can quell years of straw vs ice violence with one slurp. Hats off to this bold invention for peace.
You press the plastic onto your toast back when it's only bread, and whammo, the toasting makes a pirate skull and crossbones appear. Then you can eat your PB&J or tuna fish sandwich like a total f**king badass. Who will mess with your decision to eat egg salad now? Seriously, say something to the guy with a f**king SKULL on his toast. I dare you.
You've been warned.
