Werewolves jealous, claim to be as angsty as vampires

In what can only be described as an act of desperation, angst-ridden werewolves jealous of the attention received by the nancy-boys of supernatural horror, the bare-chested vampires, have clung together to demand that The Howling be remade. Together with the Benecio Del Toro film Wolfman and their cameo in the box-office destroying Twilight: New Moon, the hairy-backed honchos are eager to reclaim their once revered place as the bad boys with bite. "First that Underworld crap happened," growled Finneaus T Bone, leader of a pack of werewolves that has been largely out of work since the Twilight craze began, "now we're forced to walk around showing off our abs as eye candy in soft-core porn for tweens...it's humiliating." The National Werewolf Alliance (or NWA) had contemplated remaking other movies but settled on Howling because "People tend to like crap...and that series was crap...I mean, did you see The Howling 5...did you know there was a Howling 5 because there was."

Twilight New Moon Trailer hits the web, the web sadly does not hit back

I know that I'm a full day behind on this, but seeing as how the box office returns show even die-hard Twilight fans draw the line somewhere (Bandslam, the movie that had the New Moon trailer attached to it, did just over $2 million this weekend, which is less than Kristen Stewart's weed budget), I may as well post it here. I have to say that this may be as close as we will ever come to socially acceptable soft-core tween pornography, which is horrifying, because Miley Cyrus REALLY wanted to corner that market. Watch it and I'll break it down (like a breakdancer) below:



Well...that was...wow. Again, this is coming from someone who hasn't read the book. Here's what I conclude: (A) That nice shirtless gay kid really wants to help that boring looking stoner girl ride a moped. (B) But all those mean looking other shirtless boys are jealous that their shirtless leader is spending time with a girl. (C) Meanwhile, the pale homeless guy has to go to Europe for some reason, presumably to get away from the shirtless boys. (D) The movie is totally action packed...we know this because the guy being interviewed during the trailer that usually shows the action packed moments says it is action packed. (E) Action packed now means "riding mopeds and climbing trees." (F) The music was done exclusively by the former members of Evanescence. (G) I will stop now.