None of this is made up, although you will think it is

I swear on anything you want me to swear on, I am not making the following information up. Not even a little bit. First off, all hail Slashfilm.com for what is the best image I've ever seen accompanying a horror remake story:
Yeah, how incredible is that. Okay, now the really funny stuff: The Weinstein company, who I cannot believe are still in business, is going to remake Hellraiser as...wait for it...a PG-13 rated, teen horror movie. Yep, the film with the most demented visuals barfed up from the nightmares of an S&M enthusiast is going to be turned into a perky-boobed, hard-bodied remake that teases and titillates without ever torturing anyone. The movie is called Hellraiser and you're going PG-13? You think parents will be all "Hey, Johnny who is only 15, what are you going to go watch this weekend?" "Oh, no worries mom, I'm going to go see Hellraiser." "WHAT?" "Don't worry, it's only PG-13." "Whew, I was worried there for awhile. Take your sister with you then." Remarkably stupid. Also, we're not at the part you won't believe yet. Amber Heard is going to be the female lead. She's the girl standing next to Bert-as-Pinhead up there. She's very pretty. That's all. I have yet to see or hear convincing words come from her face whole, she's incredibly nondescript in her attractiveness, and she's done this sort of crap before. Also not the news you won't believe. Okay, are you ready? Here's the best part: The PG-13 remake of Hellraiser will be directed by....Christian E Christiansen. That is not a joke. He directed a movie called The Roommate, which my brother in law will see because it stars Minka Kelly. He's a real person. So, there you have it, Weinsteins are remaking Hellraiser into a teenage-friendly movie directed by Christian E Christiansen. Now that's funny.

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Halloween looks in treat sack, finds poo

Regardless of what you think of Summit Pictures, the gang behind the Twilight series, they's some smart muthertruckers. How well have they done for themselves for the small price of selling their dignity to become the ringleaders of teenage vampire porn? They may be buying The Weinstein Company. Rumors are a'buildin' that the ever lovable (not lovable at all) Weinsteins may be forced to sell their vanity corp because they suck at what they do, and Summit may be ready to swoop in and, in doing so, pick up some Oscar bait and become a real studio (not just one that rides Robert Pattinson to glory...I'm going to let you girls and a few guys enjoy that choice of words for a minute...done yet? Good). Further proof of the Weinstein demise is that one of their presumable cash cows, Halloween, is no longer franchising. This could be because the Weinsteins decided to give the series to Rob Zombie, which is like finding the most responsible barfly to drive you home. According to Deadline, pre-production on Halloween 3D has been stopped instantly, like the heart of a frequent patron of Cracker Barrel. It's hard to muster any sympathy for the Weinsteins, who have long been the bogeymen of Hollywood and who are, as we speak, campaigning hard for the rights of Roman Polanski (way to step up to the social plate...wonder if this has anything to do with his next film?). They're not going to go away, Halloween 3D is not going to go away, and Rob Zombie is not going to go away. These are facts. Also a fact, this is what counts as news this week. Blerg.