Box Office Results: Congrats, America. Now we get Resident Evil 5

Milla Jovovich, who is too pretty and interesting to spend her life torturing us like this, has confirmed that after this week's bonanza at the box office, we can look forward to a fifth Resident Evil! YAAAAAY for crap! Maybe the next one will be in 4D, the dimension in which we are actually inside Milla Jovovich's head!!! Also, some people are still watching Takers. Stop that.

Here's how the weekend went, haiku style:

1.) Resident Evil Afterlife - $28 million (Accuracy of prediction - 94.5%)

Dear Miss Jovovich,
you sure are very pretty
but I fear that's all.

2.) Takers - $6 million (Accuracy of prediction - 86%)

They sure are taking,
they now have all your moneys,
and they have my soul.

3.) The American - $6 million (Accuracy of prediction - 86%)

George Clooney is rad
but this slow movie is not.
Sorry to Ebert.

4.) Machete - $4 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90.5%)

Who would have thought it?
Co-stars Lohan and Seagal
are not guarantees.

5.) Going the Distance - $3.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 100%)

Uh oh, don't look now.
Barrymore is bad again.
Letterman flash time!!!

Overall accuracy of prediction - 91.5%

Much like the Bears game,
I don't like how this ended,
but I will TAKE IT!!!

Okay, that's it, happy Monday to ya. Now go to work.

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Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Thoughts:

1.) Some NFL guys are predicting games in Haiku form. I am now going to have to enlist my brother-in-law to sue them.

2.) People will apparently see movies whether or not I write poems about what is coming out that week. I just hope they enjoyed them less.

3.) September is reserved for football to the degree that they may as well not release ANYTHING in the theaters. It's scary out there.

4.) I can't believe how much Roger Ebert liked/is defending The American. He is actually insisting that people who don't like it (A) are idiots not used to seeing intelligent films and (B) are disparaging it because it was slow. I'll give him B, but A is just wrong. I think that Ebert got duped by the film, which was made to emulate something more compelling. A wafer-thin character with stereotypical "assassin baggage" of "I feel bad about the bad things I done" who falls for a hooker with a heart of gold while slowly putting together a rifle is not compelling. You don't have to have compelling plot twists (it doesn't), but you DO have to make me care about something in the film. I could go on and on, but the point is this: If I were to review it again, I'd actually give it a LOWER score, and not because it's slow, but because it's not very good.

5.) I'm ready to make my predictions.

Here is how I see the box office, Haiku style:

1.) Resident Evil: Afterlife - $25 million

Zombie heads go boom.
Now in all three dimensions!
So, you know, there's that.

2.) The American - $6.5 million

No, Roger Ebert,
this is not a good movie.
I love you, but no.

3.) Takers - $5.5 million

This is still out there?
I can't still talk about this!
PLEASE! It stars Chris Brown!!!

4.) Machete - $5 million

Lindsay Lohan's boobs
and copious violence
still can't save this one.

5.) The Expendables - $4.5 million

Stallone is back, folks.
Whether we like it or not.
I am thinking not.

WILDCARD - Going the Distance - $3.5 million

It's not the distance
I'd worry about going,
it's the direction.

Okay, that's it. Have a great weekend! See you Monday!

GO BEARS!!!!

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