Box Office Results: Congrats, America. Now we get Resident Evil 5

Milla Jovovich, who is too pretty and interesting to spend her life torturing us like this, has confirmed that after this week's bonanza at the box office, we can look forward to a fifth Resident Evil! YAAAAAY for crap! Maybe the next one will be in 4D, the dimension in which we are actually inside Milla Jovovich's head!!! Also, some people are still watching Takers. Stop that.

Here's how the weekend went, haiku style:

1.) Resident Evil Afterlife - $28 million (Accuracy of prediction - 94.5%)

Dear Miss Jovovich,
you sure are very pretty
but I fear that's all.

2.) Takers - $6 million (Accuracy of prediction - 86%)

They sure are taking,
they now have all your moneys,
and they have my soul.

3.) The American - $6 million (Accuracy of prediction - 86%)

George Clooney is rad
but this slow movie is not.
Sorry to Ebert.

4.) Machete - $4 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90.5%)

Who would have thought it?
Co-stars Lohan and Seagal
are not guarantees.

5.) Going the Distance - $3.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 100%)

Uh oh, don't look now.
Barrymore is bad again.
Letterman flash time!!!

Overall accuracy of prediction - 91.5%

Much like the Bears game,
I don't like how this ended,
but I will TAKE IT!!!

Okay, that's it, happy Monday to ya. Now go to work.

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Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Thoughts:

1.) Some NFL guys are predicting games in Haiku form. I am now going to have to enlist my brother-in-law to sue them.

2.) People will apparently see movies whether or not I write poems about what is coming out that week. I just hope they enjoyed them less.

3.) September is reserved for football to the degree that they may as well not release ANYTHING in the theaters. It's scary out there.

4.) I can't believe how much Roger Ebert liked/is defending The American. He is actually insisting that people who don't like it (A) are idiots not used to seeing intelligent films and (B) are disparaging it because it was slow. I'll give him B, but A is just wrong. I think that Ebert got duped by the film, which was made to emulate something more compelling. A wafer-thin character with stereotypical "assassin baggage" of "I feel bad about the bad things I done" who falls for a hooker with a heart of gold while slowly putting together a rifle is not compelling. You don't have to have compelling plot twists (it doesn't), but you DO have to make me care about something in the film. I could go on and on, but the point is this: If I were to review it again, I'd actually give it a LOWER score, and not because it's slow, but because it's not very good.

5.) I'm ready to make my predictions.

Here is how I see the box office, Haiku style:

1.) Resident Evil: Afterlife - $25 million

Zombie heads go boom.
Now in all three dimensions!
So, you know, there's that.

2.) The American - $6.5 million

No, Roger Ebert,
this is not a good movie.
I love you, but no.

3.) Takers - $5.5 million

This is still out there?
I can't still talk about this!
PLEASE! It stars Chris Brown!!!

4.) Machete - $5 million

Lindsay Lohan's boobs
and copious violence
still can't save this one.

5.) The Expendables - $4.5 million

Stallone is back, folks.
Whether we like it or not.
I am thinking not.

WILDCARD - Going the Distance - $3.5 million

It's not the distance
I'd worry about going,
it's the direction.

Okay, that's it. Have a great weekend! See you Monday!

GO BEARS!!!!

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Weekend Box Office Results: Why did you go see Takers?

I apologize for the slipshod bloggery today. I'm not on my game. Things are just whacked out and bizarre today, so I'm not on it. I wish I was. I'm just going to shuffle along and get through today if you don't mind. I promise to do better tomorrow.

Here's the box office results, haiku style:

1.) The Last Exorcism - $21 million (Accuracy of prediction - 87%)

A horror triumph
in terms of the box office.
Not in quality.

2.) Takers - $21 million (Accuracy of prediction - 79%)

I can't believe this.
What is wrong with all of you?
How did this do well?

3.) The Expendables - $9.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 100%)

This is a big hit.
$100 million for sure.
A sequel will come.

4.) Eat Pray Love- $7 million (Accuracy of prediction - 100%)

It has been eaten.
Prayers have been asked and answered.
But did you love it?

5.) The Other Guys - $6.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 91%)

Wahlberg is funny.
The only question really:
does he mean to be?

Overall accuracy of prediction - 91%

Not a bad weekend.
Provided you did not see
the movie Takers.

Again, I apologize for the haphazard, ramshackle approach today. I'll be more on point tomorrow. Maybe.

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Fearless, flawless box office predictions

Don't go to the movies this weekend. I mean it. There's just no reason to. It's the end of summer, there's still nice weather out there. If it's not too hot, get out there in the sun and do something fun because this week's releases put the oops in poops. There's no reason to see a shitty horror movie that isn't even trying. There's no reason to consider a film with a rapper (T.I.), Anakin Skywalker (Hayden Christensen), and the lesser of the actors in The Fast and the Furious (Paul Walker). Just don't do it. Come on, gang, spend some time with your families actually talking. Just a suggestion.

Here's how I see the weekend, haiku style:

1.) The Last Exorcism - $15.5 million

Are you serious?
Do you promise this is it?
You'd best mean "The Last."

2.) Takers - $10 million

I say take it back.
Even the poster looks dumb.
All the actors suck.

3.) The Expendables - $9.5 million

This is a big hit.
I could not have been more wrong.
But are you surprised?

4.) Eat Pray Love - $7 million

No competition.
Women only get one film.
So, hope you like it.

5.) Avatar Special Edition - $6 million

OH MY GOD IT'S BACK.
It's like I'm in a nightmare.
A blue, nude nightmare.

WILDCARD - The Other Guys - $5.5 million

This is still going?
Who could have thought it would be?
Mark Wahlberg. That's who.

Okay, that's it. Have a great weekend. I'm going to try and get even more crap done. It's my life these days.

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