How slow is the news this week?

It must be hot as hell everywhere, which is the only explanation I can come up with for why the whole world seems to be moving at a pace just beneath "dead snail." I can't even bring myself to go outside and actually mow the lawn, for fear of combustion. So if you're going to visit me, I recommend a machete and some tick repellent. Anyway, I'm guessing that this is what is slowing all news down to the point where I'm reporting something God awful like this to y'all.
That's Taylor Swift. She seems like a very nice, very cute, very tall girl who makes things happen with her face and mouth I don't want anywhere near me. She's apparently considering reteaming with Taylor Lautner (not pictured in the interest of me not wanting to turn this entire thing into a ridiculous teenage skin site and that dude has like no pictures with clothes on) in New Year's Eve, which is going to be a sequel of sorts to Valentine's Day, which should never have existed. This is how slow things are this week. I've just reported on "The Taylors." And if you think I'm kidding, know that I considered doing a story on them changing the release dates of two movies that come out in 2012. That was my other option...and I liked that idea better. Oh, to balance things out, here's a much cooler rumor: Everyone is saying that they're FINALLY bringing the Spider-man musical to Broadway this December. This means that I am going to need to start planning a trip to NYC over Christmas. I figure since the only way anyone created a musical about Spider-man set to the music of Bono and the Edge was if they raided my dreams anyway, I figure I'll get some kind of comp tickets or they'll just perform it for me in my bedroom. Oh, and if Taylor Swift ever plays Mary Jane in the Broadway revival of that musical, I'm going to shoot myself. Again, nice girl, baaaaad things come out of her face.

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25 things I'd rather see than a Taylor Lautner action movie

Because it's the holidays, and because I love you, I am going to greet the news that Taylor Lautner is going to star in Cancun (about a college kid who goes all martial arts on a drug cartel when they kidnap his spring break buddies...yes, that's really the plot) with the only thing I know: another entry in my "25 things I'd rather" series.

Without further ado, here's 25 things I'd rather see than Cancun starring Taylor Lautner:

1. Joe Lieberman's nudist colony home videos (turns out that Droopy Dog is droopy everywhere)
2. A Ken Burns miniseries: Earwax, from antiquity to the present
3. A live-action version of "The Snorks"
4. The hip-hop debut of Barbara Walters
5. Syrek family pictures taken at Joe Lieberman's nudist colony
6. Spider-man 4, starring Miley Cyrus as The Black Cat
7. Jenga The Game: The Movie
8. 12 hours of local news coverage
9. A how-to demonstration covering the way to properly feather your hair like John Stamos circa "Full House"
10. The inside of a jail cell
11. The newest clothing fad: arm warmers, the leg warmers for your arms
12. That "how cute are these boots" Gap ad turned into an ongoing TV series
13. A sequel to "Old Man and the Sea"
14. My mother at a Lil Wayne concert
15. Nuclear Armageddon
    
16. Lovie Smith signed to a 2-year extension
17. A "Lost" spinoff: Nikki and Paolo - The Paralyzed Years
18. Kevin Costner regain his fame
19. Cars that run on puppy tears
20. My arrest warrant
    
21. Joan Rivers's REAL face
    
22. The Super Bowl Champion Minnesota Vikings
    
23. The view from inside a fire
    
24. 15-hour work days
    
25. Nothing, ever again

This has been another list of 25 Things I'd Rather Do. Happy Holidays.