ET to class up E.T. series

Let's face it, Men in Black III is a cash grab as sure as if it involved a ski mask and pistol. I don't care, provided they actually capitalize on the limitless idea by making with the funny...oh, and as long as there's no song. Seriously, Big Willie, if you bust out a return to rhyme for MIBIII, I'm going to finally give Jazzy Jeff your address...and we'll see how that turns out for you. The third installment of the unnecessary-but-potentially-cool series is getting a touch of class in the form of Emma Thompson, who is just incredibly talented as an actress and capable of looking really beautiful. What? SHE IS I SWEAR!

Okay, so the last time you saw her, she looked like this:
And the time before, she looked like this:
But believe it or not, she actually looks like this:
Yeah, I know, right? The idea is that she's likely out of the age range for Josh Brolin and Will Smith's love interest, because I believe the rule for male actors in movies is that you divide their age in half and round up to legal and that's the target age of the actress paired opposite them. Thompson is also kind of not the right age for Tommy Lee Jones, who is 97 years young. So my thought is that she's going to be the new boss. Rip Torn isn't quite up to the task (and may or may not be in prison or rehab), so it's likely that the MIB will answer to a WIB...although I'd prefer it if the ladies wore white, just to really balance things out. Either way, the woman is funny, talented, beautiful, and classy as all hell. What I'm saying is, this franchise just married up.

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Ryan's Junk Drawer

I was going to start this post off flippantly and point out that by now you all know the drill about my junk drawer (and the subsequent dirty-sounding jokes that I post on twitter and facebook about it because I have the maturity of a fourth-grader). But then I realized that (Spoiler Alert) a lot of you may not. Keep this on the hush-hush DL, but it turns out there's a silent army of you growing out there. Thanks to salacious pictures and keywords designed to titillate and entice...we're growing in this here corner of the blogaverse. Now, mind you, nobody is commenting on anything, but that's okay. If you want to lurk, you just go right on ahead and lurk, I don't mind. So, to you new people, my junk drawer is populated by stories that aren't big enough to warrant their own entire post, which is sad because I'll post about anything really. Hell, look at how long I can stretch an introduction that doesn't really mean anything. Anyhoodle, without further ado, I give you the top 5 things that weren't important enough to warrant their own hunk or chunk of cyberspace.

1.) The return of the Sugar Titter - It's been a long time since we've seen Mel Gibson doing something other than tossing out sexist/anti-semetic remarks or apologizing for sexist/anti-semetic remarks (actually, to be honest, I heard him apologize for the whole "accusing Jews for starting all of the wars" thing but not for his epic sugar tits blast...which I still never got to be my ringtone). Well, the world's most charismatic mean-spirited drunk is back (and by back I don't mean dumping his wife of a billion years to marry some Russian version of Tori Amos who he got knocked up despite his profoundly deep religion...which he also did). I have to say that I have no problem separating the artist from the art and I loooove me some Mel Gibson movies. This one sort of looks like Payback meets Taken, which is semi-lame and semi-cool all at the same time. Aside from the come-and-go Boston accent, I kind of want to see this. Not as much as the movie he's shooting for director Jodie Foster where he plays a guy with his hand stuck in a beaver puppet the whole time, but almost.

2.) Non news is still news - Jon Favreau will not direct The Avengers. There, I said it. Everyone else in the movie reporting world was all atwitter on twitter and elsewhere reporting this thrilling non-news that I thought we had all determined was likely the case about a year ago. When they first announced the dates for Iron Man 2 and The Avengers, we all looked around and went "well, looks like Favreau is out." And yet, on a slow news week (again), everyone is scrambling over themselves to re-report the non-news about a non-issue. So, to repeat news from August of '08, Favreau will not direct The Avengers. More interesting is Devin Faraci's suggestion from Chud.com that Francis Ford Coppola direct the movie. God, could you imagine?! What about checking with someone like Paul Thomas Anderson of There Will Be Blood greatness? I joke (but if it happens I take full credit).

3.) Warning: I'm only posting this to make one lame-ass joke - Variety is reporting that one day after Paramount dropped $2 million on a secret movie penned by an action writer and a rom-com writer, Disney is paying about a mil for a high-concept rom-com idea from the guy who wrote Hitch, which was a piece of shit. Seriously, that movie is a boil on the ass of sub-par romantic comedies. When I hear it playing in another room in my house, it makes me have a bad day. When I see it listed in my cable guide, it gives me an ulcer. Anyway, the movie will star Josh Duhamel, who you won't remember from "Las Vegas" but may know as the human without boobs who wasn't Shia in Transformers and Transformers 2: Face Rape or as the guy who married Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas (who I kind of think looks tranny-tastic). Anyway, here's the big joke, are you ready? The movie starring Duhamel with a script valued at a million bucks is called What's He Got? The answer: Herpes. That's the joke. Seriously.

4.) Gus Van Sant and Bret Easton Ellis to depress the shit out of us - Because nothing says entertainment like watching a fictional movie where the two characters kill themselves in terribly depressing ways, Gus Van Sant and writer Bret Easton Ellis are teaming up to make a movie about this Vanity Fair article about an artist couple who offed themselves. I kid you not, I'm depressed just reading the synopsis. You know how the guy did himself in? He went all V Wolf and walked into the ocean. Yeah, for realzies. Not cool. Sure it will probably be poetic and beautiful and win lots of awards but I'll end up feeling all bad about life after watching it. So, future me thanks these two movie makers for making me feel bad about a year from now.

5.) I wonder if McConaughey will take his shirt off and Jones will be gruff? - THR is reporting that Tommy Lee Jones is going to direct and star with Matthew McConaughey in Lincoln's Lawyer, which is not a movie about Abraham Lincoln's lawyer (they got you there, though). Jones will also direct the film about a lawyer who lives out of his car but lands a huge case. The only time I thought McConaughey was worth a squirt acting wise was in A Time to Kill, when he did that last emotional jury thingie. That was good. So I suppose it isn't the worst thing in the world that he's doing this movie. Then again, maybe it is, I don't know yet. I've never seen Jones's directorial effort, The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada, but I always mean to. I heard it was good. I don't know, maybe this movie won't suck, but all I see in my head is Jones yelling some kind of gruff set of instructions to a shirtless McConaughey and that image sucks ass.

Okay, no more junk today. Back atcha tomorrow with the usual Friday shenanigans.