Orange you glad the next Iron Man villain will be Mandarin?

Get it? Mandarin Oranges? You know what, yesterday was a flaming piece of crap that ended up with me standing in the rain with a Sawz-all chopping down a bent branch that had wedged itself beneath my car tire during a storm, a fact I discovered when my cell phone died after I was left without a charger so I was attempting to use my car charger that pulled energy from my car battery which I had to replace the day previously because it suddenly died. So you're going to have to forgive me if I find mandarin oranges to be a hilarious joke. In the wake of Iron Man 2 doing insane money (which is somehow not receiving applause but questions like "Why didn't it break a box office record?"), we're already talking about the next TWO sequels: Avengers and Iron Man 3. It's worth mentioning that Robert Downey Jr will probably be about 50 by the time Iron Man 3 shoots. That's cool and all, because Harrison Ford was able to make Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull while wearing a colostomy bag. Anyway, not the point. The point is that the villains in Iron Man movies have pretty much sucked. Between whatever the hell the Iron Monger is and a big boobied Mickey Rourke with robo-S&M whips, we haven't really seen Tony Stark meet his match. Supposedly, that's going to change, as Jon Favreau swears we're going to get the Mandarin for the next movie. For those who don't speak fluent geek, the Mandarin is a terrible Chinese stereotype who wields 10 magic rings.
He's the closest thing that Iron Man has to a true nemesis, but he also kind of sucks. The idea has always been to include him in the film series, but in a "real" way. In the first movie, the terrorist cell that captures Tony Stark is "the 10 Rings," with the implication that the movie version of the character would be some kind of terrorist guy. Whether or not he will speak with some kind of horribly racist accent whilst stroking his beard and using his "Oriental magic" remains to be seen. This is the catch 22 of Iron Man's rogues gallery: the ones that aren't totally forgettable are memorable for the wrong reasons. It's also worth noting that there's no guarantee Favreau will be back to direct Stark's next go round, so he may be speaking out of turn. Then again, since multiple reports have it that they've made the first two films in the series without hard-set scripts (mostly improv), they may want to bring the guy who knows how to get these performances out of Downey Jr back.

Ryan's Junk Drawer

I was going to start this post off flippantly and point out that by now you all know the drill about my junk drawer (and the subsequent dirty-sounding jokes that I post on twitter and facebook about it because I have the maturity of a fourth-grader). But then I realized that (Spoiler Alert) a lot of you may not. Keep this on the hush-hush DL, but it turns out there's a silent army of you growing out there. Thanks to salacious pictures and keywords designed to titillate and entice...we're growing in this here corner of the blogaverse. Now, mind you, nobody is commenting on anything, but that's okay. If you want to lurk, you just go right on ahead and lurk, I don't mind. So, to you new people, my junk drawer is populated by stories that aren't big enough to warrant their own entire post, which is sad because I'll post about anything really. Hell, look at how long I can stretch an introduction that doesn't really mean anything. Anyhoodle, without further ado, I give you the top 5 things that weren't important enough to warrant their own hunk or chunk of cyberspace.

1.) The return of the Sugar Titter - It's been a long time since we've seen Mel Gibson doing something other than tossing out sexist/anti-semetic remarks or apologizing for sexist/anti-semetic remarks (actually, to be honest, I heard him apologize for the whole "accusing Jews for starting all of the wars" thing but not for his epic sugar tits blast...which I still never got to be my ringtone). Well, the world's most charismatic mean-spirited drunk is back (and by back I don't mean dumping his wife of a billion years to marry some Russian version of Tori Amos who he got knocked up despite his profoundly deep religion...which he also did). I have to say that I have no problem separating the artist from the art and I loooove me some Mel Gibson movies. This one sort of looks like Payback meets Taken, which is semi-lame and semi-cool all at the same time. Aside from the come-and-go Boston accent, I kind of want to see this. Not as much as the movie he's shooting for director Jodie Foster where he plays a guy with his hand stuck in a beaver puppet the whole time, but almost.

2.) Non news is still news - Jon Favreau will not direct The Avengers. There, I said it. Everyone else in the movie reporting world was all atwitter on twitter and elsewhere reporting this thrilling non-news that I thought we had all determined was likely the case about a year ago. When they first announced the dates for Iron Man 2 and The Avengers, we all looked around and went "well, looks like Favreau is out." And yet, on a slow news week (again), everyone is scrambling over themselves to re-report the non-news about a non-issue. So, to repeat news from August of '08, Favreau will not direct The Avengers. More interesting is Devin Faraci's suggestion from Chud.com that Francis Ford Coppola direct the movie. God, could you imagine?! What about checking with someone like Paul Thomas Anderson of There Will Be Blood greatness? I joke (but if it happens I take full credit).

3.) Warning: I'm only posting this to make one lame-ass joke - Variety is reporting that one day after Paramount dropped $2 million on a secret movie penned by an action writer and a rom-com writer, Disney is paying about a mil for a high-concept rom-com idea from the guy who wrote Hitch, which was a piece of shit. Seriously, that movie is a boil on the ass of sub-par romantic comedies. When I hear it playing in another room in my house, it makes me have a bad day. When I see it listed in my cable guide, it gives me an ulcer. Anyway, the movie will star Josh Duhamel, who you won't remember from "Las Vegas" but may know as the human without boobs who wasn't Shia in Transformers and Transformers 2: Face Rape or as the guy who married Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas (who I kind of think looks tranny-tastic). Anyway, here's the big joke, are you ready? The movie starring Duhamel with a script valued at a million bucks is called What's He Got? The answer: Herpes. That's the joke. Seriously.

4.) Gus Van Sant and Bret Easton Ellis to depress the shit out of us - Because nothing says entertainment like watching a fictional movie where the two characters kill themselves in terribly depressing ways, Gus Van Sant and writer Bret Easton Ellis are teaming up to make a movie about this Vanity Fair article about an artist couple who offed themselves. I kid you not, I'm depressed just reading the synopsis. You know how the guy did himself in? He went all V Wolf and walked into the ocean. Yeah, for realzies. Not cool. Sure it will probably be poetic and beautiful and win lots of awards but I'll end up feeling all bad about life after watching it. So, future me thanks these two movie makers for making me feel bad about a year from now.

5.) I wonder if McConaughey will take his shirt off and Jones will be gruff? - THR is reporting that Tommy Lee Jones is going to direct and star with Matthew McConaughey in Lincoln's Lawyer, which is not a movie about Abraham Lincoln's lawyer (they got you there, though). Jones will also direct the film about a lawyer who lives out of his car but lands a huge case. The only time I thought McConaughey was worth a squirt acting wise was in A Time to Kill, when he did that last emotional jury thingie. That was good. So I suppose it isn't the worst thing in the world that he's doing this movie. Then again, maybe it is, I don't know yet. I've never seen Jones's directorial effort, The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada, but I always mean to. I heard it was good. I don't know, maybe this movie won't suck, but all I see in my head is Jones yelling some kind of gruff set of instructions to a shirtless McConaughey and that image sucks ass.

Okay, no more junk today. Back atcha tomorrow with the usual Friday shenanigans.

My wife's head is about to explode

Those lucky enough to have met my loving wife (it's our anniversary, so I'm forgiven for my syrupy adjectives), know that Abbie is nothing if not a horse enthusiast. That girl loves her some ponies to the degree that car rides consist of conversations like this: "Hello wife, shall we discuss amazing political nuances that have resonance upon our modern society." "Yes husband, I believe we shall. I think it was Alexander Hamilton who first said PONIES! OHMYGOD, do you see them?! THEY ARE SO AMAZING! I WANT THE PALOMINO! Hamilton who first said 'Constitutions should only consist of general provisions.'" She also has a deep mistrust of most science fiction, if only because she was not exposed to it as a child; she grew up in the country and apparently "played outside" or some such nonsense. Anyway, it's going to make her head pop when I tell her that Variety is reporting that Jon Favreau and Robert Downey Jr of Iron Man asskickery are making Cowboys and Aliens: a movie with spaceships and ponies. See:



Now, many of you nerds out there are all like "hey, you should get her to watch 'Firefly.'" Well, nerds, I have tried, but I made the foolish mistake of making that effort when she was not in the proper mood. Results were less than shiny. The good news is, with this flick, she already knows and likes the people involved (Downey Jr made her personal "best dressed" list at last years Oscars and she voluntarily rewatched Iron Man multiple times) AND, being that she's a Lostie and "Alias" fan like me, news that Damon Lindeloff is involved in the screenwriting process (along with Kurtzman and Orci who officially write everything now...and are on "good taste" probation after Transformers 2). The script is based on the graphic novel shown above and follows cowboys (real ones, not Tony Romo) and Native Americans are fighting in Arizona when a huge space ship arrives. I haven't read it, but my guess is the Native Americans figure out how to stop it while the cowboys are busy trying to eat stew. So, gentle readers, the question becomes: Will my wife love it for the ponies and native peoples or fear it for the aliens? Only time will tell. Stay tuned.