Things that kill you and things that kill me

A dude died after watching Avatar. A 42-year-old Taiwanese man who, admittedly was unhealthy, died from complications of a stroke brought about by "excitement from watching the movie." James Cameron killed a man. My good friend Darren liked the term undouche that I rolled out yesterday, so allow me to continue my fledgling meme. It is much harder for Jimmy C to undouche now that there is blood on his hands. And before you say that you can't really blame him for this, consider that Jimmy C wanted a "game-changer" and to make things more real than ever before. Congrats, Captain D-Bag, you've murdered.

In totally non-related news, Slashfilm noticed a release by Hawaii (that's the state, not a new director you've never heard of named after an island chain) revealed that Alexander Payne's new movie, The Descendents, will feature George Clooney as rumored. He will presumably play the lead character who travels to Hawaii after he finds out his wife was having an affair. She's now in a coma, so he takes his two daughters to go find the douche who was doinking their mom...in Hawaii. I can see this plot description working for all parties involved. Sometimes you read a press release (like, say, Marc Webb getting a 3-picture deal) and you go "huhbuhwha?" Sometimes they make perfect sense. Also, the headline referred to things that kill me. The answer: Doing a story about Hawaii while watching freezing drizzle out the window.

Nebraska didn't need more reasons to love Clooney

Having already set hearts a-twitter by setting foot in Omaha, George Clooney really doesn't need to do anything else to secure his place in the hearts of Nebraskans (especially my wife), aside from those few souls who fear his women-wooing powers and inexplicable salt-and-pepper hair (that can't be real, right...that's a special effect...right?). Still, Clooney is doing his best to increase his Husker love by eyeing the lead in The Descendants, which is not the biography of Michael Jackson's kids but rather the next movie from Omaha's own Alexander Payne. This seems like a good fit tonally, as Clooney is at his best between genres (the man can rock a dramedy). So, the Oscar-winning actor may star in a movie written by an Oscar winner from Omaha. What else does the man have to do to win your love, you center-dwelling citizens of the U.S.? Howsabout hold a puppy?

Boom.

Tragically, Clooney's hair color is only possible because he survives on the tears of adorable puppies. So, shortly after that picture was taken, he began to berate the pup. "You have a wrinkly face," said the actor, "and you likely will not find satisfactory love in this lifetime. Also, we're going to cut your nuts off." He did this until it felt enough shame to fuel his perfect hair for another day. Damn you, CLOOOOOONEEEY!

Bring on the Payne

Andrew Stewart who now writes for Variety used to be on the speech team for the University of Nebraska at Lincoln, where I used to do a little coaching (speech, not football...I know, shocking). Given that relationship and the fact that Alexander Payne is "Omaha's own Alexander Payne," you'd figure SOMEONE would have let me know personally that Payne is about to start shooting his official follow-up to Sideways (yes, we've had five Saw movies since we last saw a new Payne movie). Descendants follows a wealthy landowner who is hunting down his wife's lover (with his two daughters) in Hawaii. Wait, are there any parts of Omaha that could double as Hawaii?! Oh, man, there goes any chance of me getting a set visit...unless, of course, someone wants to fly me to Hawaii for a visit! Let it be known I am ready and willing to sell out (I can write my first sentence of my set report now: "The men and women behind this movie are less like humans and more like Gods, and this movie will likely cure cancer"). Payne is also working somewhat simultaneously on a SECOND project, Downsizing, which will star Paul Giamatti (along with Sasha Baron Cohen and close, personal friend Reese Witherspoon) as a man who decides his life would be better if he shrank himself. I'm a big fan of the latter description, whereas the description of the immediate project (Descendants) sounds like it could be somewhat stale. No casting yet on the Hawaii movie, but I don't care because it's shooting so far, far away (but I can be convinced to care easily, with just one plane ticket to Hawaii...I'm just sayin'). I only hope that next time, my phone rings about this information before I have to find out on some blog like the rest of you commoners (I kid because I'm not important at all).

Well, maybe the MOVIE Cedar Rapids will be interesting

In what I can only assume was a violent, pitchfork-aided showdown that also included Coralville, Dubuque, and Mason City, Cedar Rapids has shanked its way to fame and fortune (and not just for their wonderful...what is it that Cedar Rapids has again?). Variety is reporting that Ed Helms, whose career is (in the parlance of our times) "blowin' up" after his turn in The Hangover has been tasked by Nebraska's favorite filmmaking son Alex Payne to star in Cedar Rapids. Payne will produce the comedy, which will be directed by Miguel Arteta (who has directed some great TV shows and the delightful Chuck and Buck), much to the delight of midwesterners everywhere (actually, not everywhere, in a very specific region). Helms, who has made a career of doofiness and false douchebaggery, has finally received strong recognition for playing the character he played in "The Office" in The Hangover. As if to totally shift gears from his standard delusional dork who is socially awkward almost to the point of tragedy, Helms will play a delusional dork insurance agent who tries to save the jobs of his colleagues, most likely in a social awkward way (to the point of tragedy). Buried in the news of Cedar Rapids rise to the pinnacle of cinematic recognition was this bit of tid from Variety's article: "Helms is currently writing with script partner Jake Fleisher an untitled Civil War comedy." Now, this is something I can get behind. I have said for YEARS that the battle of Antietam is just too hilarious to lie there. And Gettysburg? Don't get me started, I once had a Battle-of-the-Bulge laughing fit that nearly ended in internal bleeding. It was a real tragedy.