Breaking News: Iron Man 2 trailer suggests the film may be cool

Let's just kick off Monday right. You may not have stayed up after the Oscars long enough to see this:



Yeah, I know. I'm as shocked as you are; it looks like Iron Man 2 may be re-damn-diculous. I mean, I had my money on "incredible" or potentially "intensely bad-ass," but this is now seriously approaching re-damn-diculous categorization. Few films have achieved such an honor, but when you dress Scarlett Johansson in leather, throw in multiple armored-encrusted good-guys fighting armor-covered robot bad guys, mix in a Russian Mickey Rourke, a toothy Sam Rockwell, and a leggy Gwyneth Paltrow, and top the whole affair with an angry-looking Samuel L Jackson as Nick Fury...I think we have a re-damn-diculous contender. It's also a good point to mention that the exchange between Tina Fey and Robert Downey Jr was Oscar's funniest moment for me last night, proving that Downey Jr is just unstoppable at this point. If it were anyone else in that metal suit, I would not be trying to control my Iron Man lust, but after that trailer, I need a cold shower and a thesaurus for more adjectives. Hotcha!

Ryan's Junk Drawer

Well, it's Thursday...and a blessed Thursday it is. Tomorrow marks my last day pulling the Parton...that means "working 9 to 5," not getting breast augmentation and striking up some bizarre Faustian deal to remain relevant despite sounding like a hack actor auditioning for the role of "rural Mickey Mouse" in a community theater production. That means despite being so far behind on Christmas shopping that I'll be lucky to finish by Independence Day, I'm in a pretty good mood. So today when I take a peek in my Junk Drawer (which is the clever name I have given this column that compiles little baby news nuggets that don't warrant their own post), I'm going to do so with a hop and a skip, because that's what happy people did in the 1940s and gosh durn it, the 40s were a great time (aside from that whole world war thing).

As per usual, we begin by assigning attributes to the junk found in the image above from "Highlights Magazine"...for children. Today's item is the Peso found in the upper left corner. When Claude realized that HE had never been to Mexico, but remembered that after his wife's "trip to see her mother in Vancouver" she was rather tan, he thought that maybe his marriage vows weren't so sacred after all. Don't worry, though, it was an "opposite sex" marriage, so it was all cool.

Here's the movie tidbits that weren't able to roid up fast enough to become big movie posts of their own:

1.) Sing, sing a song, sing it betterthanx-menoriginswolverineplease - When compiling the top 10 movies of the last decade (foreshadow, foreshadow...it comes out next week), a task only slightly easier than convincing Ben Nelson that he was, in fact, elected as a democrat, choosing just one superhero movie was difficult. One of the films on that "super" shortlist was X-Men 2 (I know, a shocker Electra didn't make the cut, huh). X2 didn't make it, but if it had, it would have been largely due to Brian Singer, who proved that he can make a great superhero movie...and that he can make a supremely boring-ass superhero movie (Superman Returns was on FX the other night...within the first half hour I was considering "Two and a Half Men"...nothing should make me consider "Two and a Half Men"). Provided Singer remembers that superheros have and can actually use their powers and that, although we like what makes them human we also like what makes them not so human, news that Singer is returning to the X-Men franchise is a good thing. On the red carpet for something (seriously, there are so many red carpets it's a wonder we're not all on one right now..actually, are you on a red carpet right now, because that would be cool), he flat-out stated that he signed on to direct X-Men Origins: First Class, which will be a Wolverine-less prequel to the first X movie he directed. There are all sorts of franchise hopes and whatnot, but I'm just hoping we don't get a cast of CW cast-offs running around lusting after one another and TALKING incessently. I mean, who doesn't love to watch a movie of intensely powered beings talking to one another. Ugh. Someone ought to make Singer watch Superman Returns about 40 times while yelling "LOOK WHAT YOU DID" to guarantee he won't do it again. At any rate, this is potentially good news, but the film is still owned by Fox, so they'll do something to biff it up before you can say "Deadpool's mouth should be sewn shut."

2.) Bad John Travolta movie saves us from bad John Travolta movie - I'm pretty sure that strange sound you heard today was a choir of angels singing on high. Oh, not because of any impending holiday, but because Variety reported that Wild Hogs 2 is dead. In what can only be described as the best thing to happen to humanity since Kevin Costner's fame was revoked, the complete lack of popularity of Old Dogs killed Wild Hogs, which sounds like a revenge scheme crafted by Dr. Seuss. Even though technically these were different franchises, they shared a number of similarities, including John Travolta, a hack director, and a complete lack of anything resembling quality. Disney has been purging films from their upcoming release list like The Others purged Dharma employees on "Lost" (can you tell I'm hungering for that series to return?), and this seems like a good cut. So, good riddance terrible sequel! I hope you soon have company in hell, as many more of your brethren are slain.

3.) Maybe the second time is the charm? - Sometimes two really hot people make an ugly baby. This is the explanation I'm working with for why Date Night with Tina Fey and Steve Carrell looks as hilarious as a grim rectal exam finding. And just like how people with ugly babies don't realize they made an ugly baby, Fey and Carrell seemingly don't realize they created something unholy and unfunny because THR is reporting that Mail-Order Groom may reunite the two. The hilarious concept (sarcasm hand is raised) sees Fey as an unwed woman (get it, she can't find love...any chance this character conceit is getting old for her) who in an act of desperation buys a groom from some Eastern European country. Oh, goodness! It combines the humor found in purchasing other people like property AND likely deploys horrid ethnic stereotypes. Hooray! Sadly, I'm already looking forward to seeing it more than their first endeavor.

4.) This character name is too easy to joke with - If you're not watching "Superhero Squad," Marvel's shrunk-down kiddie cartoon version of The Avengers, you should be. Today, Thor quipped "By Odin's spork" and yesterday, when Hulk was told he was the MVP, he yelled "Someone call doctor, Hulk caught MVP." That's funny, yo. I bring this up because we keep getting more and more Thor casting. As you know, the film already stars the hottiest of all hotties, Ms. Natalie Portman (picture mandatory)

Now Variety is reporting that Renee Russo will play Frigga, wife of Odin, mother of Thor. Don't forget that Russo was not-so-long-ago a woman many men would like to Frigga. Check her out.

So Thor is going to have some mommy issues.

5.) Trailer 'SPLOSION - While you were looking the other way, they went and dumped off two AMAZING trailers. First, Iron Man 2, which looks every bit as drool-worthy as you'd guess. From Downey Jr's one liners to the clearly amped up action, I'm guessing this will follow the Marvel tradition of having a second movie that is TRIUMPHANT (X2, Spider-Man 2) before falling to crap (X3, Spider-Man 3).



Then there's Clash of the Titans, which I can't help but lust after. Not only does it appeal to my Harryhausen monster love, but it appears to be totally Del Toro-ized. I absolutely cannot wait to see these movies. Next year could be a really good one. See for yourself.

Okay boys and girls, that's it for my junk. See you tomorrow for the end of the week. Huzzah!