Movie Review: Due Date

No Crowning Achievement
Due Date breaks water, no new ground

The filth wake of a new Jackass film makes other movies’ attempts to shock with ribald humor futile, even with dialogue like “I vomited in the wound.” Nice try, Due Date, but Steve-O practically gargled human feces. Too unimaginative to be risque, director Todd Philips has made a “blender” film; you know, where they make an acceptable-but-not-delicious cinematic smoothie by pureeing superior ingredients into one shapeless discolored but drinkable mess.

It takes a village to raise a child, and it took four writers to steal from Planes, Trains & Automobiles and The Hangover, from which the producers even stole an actor. Zach Galifianakis, who should ask Jack Black about the legal limit on the number of times a comedian can repeat the same performance, plays Ethan Tremblay. The difference between the good-hearted, dangerous man-child that is Ethan and Alan, the character Galifianakis played in The Hangover, is that one is named Ethan and the other is named Alan.

Because Ethan is a ridiculous cartoon, he somehow manages to get expectant father Peter Highman (Robert Downey Jr) tossed off a plane and put on a no-fly list. Because the plot requires them to do so, the two wind up having to rapidly travel across country in an attempt to get Peter home in time to see his wife (Michelle Monaghan) produce his progeny. Do they make it? Do they become weird friends? Is there a bevy of masturbation jokes, including multiple shots of a dog making like a lonely prison inmate, and brief, mostly unfunny cameos from marginally famous actors and actresses? A gentleman never tells.

Yes.

Look, Due Date isn’t bad. It isn’t interesting enough to be bad. The best description is that it feels like a classic comedy from which someone cut out all of the most memorable scenes. It’s perpetually marginally amusing, but whenever an epic moment is needed, the film resorts to barely passable physical gags, most involving "Looney Tunes" car crashes. Due Date takes place in the same plane of reality as “The Office,” in that it sure seems like our world, but people can do anything without actual consequence.

Downey Jr is charming, and Galifiankis is funny. And if Downey Jr and Galifianakis were as charming and funny as they seem to think they are, maybe the sins of Due Date are absolved. Instead, the film is just an unlikable douche and a stoner one-beard heavier than Forest Gump bumbling around as you ask “are we there yet?”

Grade – C-

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Weighty decision

Let's get something straight, Alfonso Cuaron's Gravity is going to be incredible. Robert Downey Jr has already agreed to star in a film about an astronaut stranded in space who tries to fight HER way home to earth. Wait, did I just use a FEMALE descriptor in that last sentence? Why yes, yes I did. Both Marion Cotillard and Angelina Jolie considered the role, and when RDJ's involvement was announced, it was assumed the script had been flipped gender-wise, but not so fast. It looks like THR is reporting that the female role will still be the lead, leading me to surmise that RDJ will be the Ed Harris to the female version of Tom Hanks in Apollo 13. So who's the lady going to be? They've narrowed things down to two:

Blake Lively, star of the upcoming and sure to be awesome The Town and the upcoming and not so sure to be awesome Green Lantern, enthusiast of dressing like a schoolgirl.

And Miss Scarlett J, the Black Widow herself, possessor of what artists and horndogs will agree may be God's finest female anatomy.

Supposedly, the two women have both been tested (not like that) and are awaiting word from Cuaron. The studio likes Lively because she's done work for them, but Cuaron has been sold on Johansson from the get go. Personally, you know I'm pulling for Scarlett, if only to finally settle the matter of whether or not she's actually talented. Landing a role once circled by Jolie and Cotillard and then actually pulling it off would go a long way in establishing her as an actual actress. If they go with Lively, I'm still there, as Children of Men earned Cuaron's future films a lifetime pass, but I'm hoping this is my chance to ogle Johansson in space.

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Bride of Superfuntime Giant Orgy of Comic-con news!!!

Happy Monday (nofunday) to you all. After a weekend so full that I now need some kind of two-day break to rest in order to work properly, I'm groggy but ready to fight my way into productivity at any cost (as long as the cost is really low). What better place to start a week that has me longing for vacation than with a wrap-up of the comic-con? Oh, yeah, you're right: A better place to start would be from the comfort of my bed four hours of sleep from now, but just like my Cubs getting their act together long enough to sweep the Cardinals or me respecting Sarah Palin, that shit's just not going to happen. But whatever, they don't call me Mr. Flexible for nothing (or at all). Like I said on Friday, here's the wrap-up of the remaining convention news, oh but two quick caveats: (1) Most of the "news" that breaks at the con isn't really news, it's mostly just tiny revelations about projects we've been ogling for ages now, which doesn't always make the sexiest write-ups even if they hit hard in person. Unless it's a description of Natalie Portman, in which case, I'm writing that up immediamente, yo. (2) These days, 90% of the footage in terms of clips and trailers that they show over the weekend at the con arrive on the interwebs within, like, a day. So instead of running descriptions from people, I'm going to wait to run the actual clips. It's kind of like waiting to actually kiss a girl to see how you like it instead of asking someone who kissed her to describe it. This is good advice I'm giving. I should charge more.

Okay, here are some things I learned secondhand from the con:

1.) It's really, truly happening - Give this much to Marvel: For all the douchey contracts, the trail of bad blood being generated behind the scenes, and the general mayhem that seems to surround the making of some projects, they are a scant few months away from giving the world the greatest superhero team ever. I just got the piss jitters, I'm so excited. Folks, this weekend, somewhere in San Diego, for the first time ever...the Avengers assembled.
From left to right, you've got Mr. Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.), Shield Agent Coulson (Clark Gregg), The Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson), Thor (Chris Hemsworth), Captain America (Chris Evans), Nick Fury (Samuel L Jackson), Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner), and Hulk/Bruce Banner (Mark Ruffalo). Standing next to them is director Joss Whedon and producer Kevin Feige. I know that there's a chance this could suck, I do. But if somehow this thing collapses on itself, it will be as a dying star going supernova and not for lack of casting. This is happening. This is actually going to take place. Can't. Breathe. Everything we've seen before in terms of blockbuster superhero movies should be blown into itty bitty pieces. No pressure.

2.) But wait, there's more - Marvel had one more little gift for nerdlings at its bash: It was this.
If you're a nerd, you already know what that is, and it is not the Ultimate version of Michael Jackson's glove. That's the Infinity Gauntlet, and it's going to be a part of this whole Avengers/Thor/Captain America madness. I think it's safe to say this could be the thread that pulls things together. If you consider that the Red Skull (Cap's hetero-hate-mate) was trying to get the all-powerful Cosmic Cube in various versions of the script for that film, and if you conjecture that Loki (Thor's brother, fight partner, snappy dresser) wants to own said Cube and Infinity Gauntlet for total cosmic domination, I'm guessing you would need the Avengers to stop that ("Thor, you smash Loki's grasp! Iron Man, shoot repulsor rays into his chest. Black Widow, um, unzip a little more."). Although, I do wish that they would make Hulk the villain the first time out, which I suppose they still could in the first half of the film (oh, wishful thinking). The beauty of this all is that there is exactly one new character they'll have to introduce in The Avengers, and that's Hawkeye, whose backstory is that he shoots real good. This means you can do something like have them all show up to fight the Hulk without having to tell us who everybody is, and that could be a compelling way to start this all off. God, I cannot wait for this movie. Please don't screw it up. Pretty please with Johansson on top?

3.) Walk this way - Like I said, as the clips from the con go live on the world wide webbies, I'm going to post them. I just won't post Skippy McDoodle's remembrance of them. So here's the first one that broke from the pack and showed up online.



I'm a fan of the comic and a fan of zombies (in fiction, in real-life I don't think I'd like them much), so I'm uber pumped for this one. It looks pretty much like the comic come to life, which is a compliment mostly. I do hope it brings something new to the table, but I will settle for a well-served dish of brains.

4.) Let the right Scott in? - The Playlist is reporting that Fox is choosing between Matt Reeves (Cloverfield, Let Me In) and Tony Scott (every Denzel Washington movie ever) to direct Wolverine 2. The script is by Christopher McQuarrie, who wrote the usual suspects, which should make me happy. It doesn't. Why? Gee, I don't know, did you see the last Wolverine? Fox will bork this in some seemingly unborkable way, mark my words. I kind of hope it's Reeves, given what I've heard about Let Me In and how much I liked Cloverfield, but he's so young they'll probably run roughshod over him in the editing bay. The flip side is that Scott has a definable style that he'd bring to the flick. That style is called camera-induced nausea. I can't decide which is the best way to go, or if this rumor is even true. What I do know is that somehow we're going to get a Wolverine 2. I really thought we were better than this.

Okay, more posts of video from the con as it goes up, y'all. Happy Monday to ya.

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Seriously? Thursday? How the hell did that happen? This time warp has been brought to you by exhaustion, long summer nights, and work projects you wish would never were but looks like they will be for a very long time. Today's music has been carefully selected by The Reader's own Jesse Stanek, who enlightened me as to "Broken Hearts and Dirty Windows," the John Prine tribute CD. My morning has begun with the explicit instructions to move to the country and eat a lot of peaches. Although I'm disobeying, I think Prine really meant sit in front of a computer and create a blog that has a title intended to sound dirty.

That's right, you haven't come here to hear tell of how brilliant I find the cover of Bruised Orange by Justin Vernon of Bon Iver, you've come here to see my junk. You only get to peek at my junk once a week, so this is a special time for you. I don't want to stall any longer. So, I'll begin the normal disclaimer (which is to say that by junk I mean movie tidbits that aren't big enough to warrant their own post) and the normal shenanigans (we take an item from the creepy illustration of a junk drawer above from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN and make up a fictional backstory on it). Cue shenanigans: Today's item is the fuzzy string thing in the middle of the drawer. Carl was a proud man. Carl was also a reasonable man. Carl was a man in love. Knowing full well that his beloved Lucille would never consent to marriage so long as he was the proud owner of the second longest eyebrows in Guiness Records history, Carl threw away more than a decade with two snips. In his junk drawer lay his secret shame, his one ticket to instant marginal celebrity. Then again, because of his newfound hygiene, in his bedroom lay Lucille.

Okay, enough goofing around, let's get to showing the faceless public my junk!

1.) Whoa, Gravity sounds heavy! - Children of Men might be (I stress might be) the best sci-fi film of the last decade. I know I'm prone to hyperbole, but for realz yo, it's all kinds of really good. So, consider me pant-shitting excited for Alfonso Cuaron's Gravity, a sci-fi movie starring Robert Downey Jr. Why am I pooping pants for this? Well, The Playlist explained that the 3D film will be 60% CGI, the opening will be a 20 minute continuous shot, and the plot will follow the survivor of a space accident desperately trying to return to Earth. I'm like the elevator in a high-rise skyscraper after a kid with ADD climbed in: All my buttons are getting pushed. Seriously, how does this not sound beautiful and brilliant. In the hands of real artists, sci-fi is the single most promising and vital genre. Why? Because the rules are gone. You can do whatever you want, however you want. Ursula LeGuin once said that sci-fi is just the artist asking "what if?" Let me tell you a "for sure" as opposed to a "what if." I cannot wait for this movie.

2.) News for Twi-hards and those who hate them - The only thing more shocking that Twilight existing is the people who like the series. I know some seriously smart, good people who love the O-negative out of the series. This doesn't change my opinion of them at all, nor does it change my opinion of the series. I'm a Cubs fan, so I get loving things that are just no good. Anyway, you fall into one of two camps: You either read all the books and love the movies and thus won't be spoiled by what I'm about to talk about or you didn't read the books and don't care at all about the movies so you won't care that I'm about to spoil what happens in the final book/movies. Just in case, I'll give you an image buffer before I really get started.
Okay, ready? The screenwriter of the final two movies that spawn out of the single book "Breaking Dawn" told the LA Times that they may not even show the childbirth scene, also known as the only reason I want to see these movies at all. If you haven't, please read Devin from Chud's rundown of the book’s insanity, because it's brilliant. Point is, some seriously, monumentally whacked out bullshit happens in these books and I am dying to know how they're going to handle it. Here's the thing, I can't believe there weren't riots by the Twi-hards when they read the concluding book. I mean, if I were reading "Lord of the Rings," and in the last book Legolas fell in love with Aragorn's daughter AS A BABY, I would have dug up the corpse of JRR Tolkein so I'd have a place to put my pee. And for the last time, there is no way to handle this appropriately. It's not plutonium that can be handled while wearing a containment suit, it's more like trying to scoop up the pieces of an atomic bomb and put them back together again.

3.) I have a fable for you about "Fables"- Okay, Pajiba lies a lot. I shouldn't say lie, that's not nice. They run stories that have less fact and truth to them than Fox News, howsabout that? I just wanted to put that disclaimer on there because the following story, while appealing, makes no sense. The scoop is that David Yates (director of the last 4 Harry Potter movies) is possibly going to direct the adaptation of "Fables" for the big screen. Exciting? No. Wait, why? Why isn't it exciting that the really intelligent comic book series about fairy tale characters living in a secret land in the modern world is going to be made into a movie? Because it deserves to be an ongoing television series (where it would TOTALLY be immensely popular, I promise), which last we heard it was going to be. This source from YEARS ago had it in TV development. Is it possible something changed? Is it possible Yates is directing the pilot? How is Yates that popular when he really hasn't done anything all that insanely noteworthy and yet in one week he's been rumored for both The Hobbit AND Fables? I don't have all the answers. I'm just a guy telling jokes in a column named after his junk. Don't pressure me. Point is, I want a TV series for "Fables," but I will take whatever I can get.

4.) I am ready to run - I enjoy running. I mean for exercise and not when something is chasing me. Of course, what I'm talking about here is the news that Alex Garland, writer of 28 Days Later, The Beach (he wrote the novel), and Sunshine, is writing Logan's Run. So, I'm on board now. I loved each of those movies, YES including The Beach. I looked on YouTube to find the clip of him in the infamous video game scene from that movie, but the only results I found were for the video "Leonardo DiCaprio - Touch Me There." Now, I like the guy, but I don't need him touching me. He's got greasy hair and starred in The Man in the Iron Mask, he doesn't get to touch me. Anyway, Garland has some really great ideas and has shown with the movies listed above that he knows how to make sci-fi and horror into something more than just popular fluff. As most of you know, Logan's Run is about a society where people are euthanized at a certain age, instead of just being shuffled to Florida to skew our electoral college. There is some obvious ground for social commentary and I am pumped that Garland is involved. There's not a lot of funny in this blurb, but I'm not your singing, dancing fun monkey, okay? Sometimes I just have some good insight. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go eat a banana while doing a karaoke version of Ke$ha and grinding this pole.

5.) Trailers, parked - We have a buffet of WTF for you today, so grab a plate.

First up is The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, which (A) yes they made already even though you didn't know it, (B) had its trailer debut on a Brazillian fan site for the Narnia series, and (C) is already coming out this Christmas (a much better time to debut religiously based materials). I don't hold out much hope for it, even though I didn't HATE either of the first two installments. That said, if I can get another poor CGI river Jesus, I'm in. See for yourself.


Okay, next up is...well, nobody knows. The Polish Brothers (finally, some respect for my people) have directed...this? It's some teaser for something that...well, look just watch it and know that the project is set to come out in 2011 even though nobody knows quite what it is or that it existed in the first place.


Next up is Never Let Me Go by...wait for it...ALEX GARLAND! Okay, so it's directed by Mark Romanek, but Garland adapted the famous novel, making this column staggeringly cohesive today. The film is weirdly creepy looking and yet really appealing. You know I'm in. Who's coming with me?


Okay, that's it y'all. Happy Thursday to you. Start getting your weekend preparations straight and I'll see you tomorrow to kick things off, proper.

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Orange you glad the next Iron Man villain will be Mandarin?

Get it? Mandarin Oranges? You know what, yesterday was a flaming piece of crap that ended up with me standing in the rain with a Sawz-all chopping down a bent branch that had wedged itself beneath my car tire during a storm, a fact I discovered when my cell phone died after I was left without a charger so I was attempting to use my car charger that pulled energy from my car battery which I had to replace the day previously because it suddenly died. So you're going to have to forgive me if I find mandarin oranges to be a hilarious joke. In the wake of Iron Man 2 doing insane money (which is somehow not receiving applause but questions like "Why didn't it break a box office record?"), we're already talking about the next TWO sequels: Avengers and Iron Man 3. It's worth mentioning that Robert Downey Jr will probably be about 50 by the time Iron Man 3 shoots. That's cool and all, because Harrison Ford was able to make Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull while wearing a colostomy bag. Anyway, not the point. The point is that the villains in Iron Man movies have pretty much sucked. Between whatever the hell the Iron Monger is and a big boobied Mickey Rourke with robo-S&M whips, we haven't really seen Tony Stark meet his match. Supposedly, that's going to change, as Jon Favreau swears we're going to get the Mandarin for the next movie. For those who don't speak fluent geek, the Mandarin is a terrible Chinese stereotype who wields 10 magic rings.
He's the closest thing that Iron Man has to a true nemesis, but he also kind of sucks. The idea has always been to include him in the film series, but in a "real" way. In the first movie, the terrorist cell that captures Tony Stark is "the 10 Rings," with the implication that the movie version of the character would be some kind of terrorist guy. Whether or not he will speak with some kind of horribly racist accent whilst stroking his beard and using his "Oriental magic" remains to be seen. This is the catch 22 of Iron Man's rogues gallery: the ones that aren't totally forgettable are memorable for the wrong reasons. It's also worth noting that there's no guarantee Favreau will be back to direct Stark's next go round, so he may be speaking out of turn. Then again, since multiple reports have it that they've made the first two films in the series without hard-set scripts (mostly improv), they may want to bring the guy who knows how to get these performances out of Downey Jr back.

Movie Review: Iron Man 2

As promised, here's my thoughts about everybody's favorite man-in-a-tin-can.

Loud Sounds and Nick Fury
Iron Man 2 is bigger, bolder but not quite better

Deciding whether the Iron Man armor worn by Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr), with its funky, zappy-laser thingies, is cooler than the War Machine armor worn by Lieutenant Colonel James “Rhodey” Rhodes (Don Cheadle), with its “Say hello to my little friends” full-on arsenal, may be easier than deciding whether Scarlett Johansson’s cleavage is more impressive than Mickey Rourke’s heaving bosom. Iron Man 2, a love song to excess, is filled with these kinds of bigger-better-more pairings; it’s all about doubling everything, not just the pleasure and fun.

Screenwriter Justin Theroux (Tropic Thunder) delivered unto director Jon Favreau a kludge script. It gets the job done, welding giant action set pieces with subplots that sorta-kinda fit together if you squint hard enough. The sequel picks up shortly after Stark’s ego led him to admit to his alter ego. The uber-tattooed Ivan Vanko (Rourke) crawls out of a vodka bottle somewhere in Siberia to discover that his father’s designs for a power generator had been stolen by Stark’s papa. So he does what any good son would do: He creates a cyber exoskeleton with huge whips and goes to Monaco with murder on his mind.

Meanwhile, Stark is busy fending off demands from the U.S. Government to turn over his suit, dodging attacks on his company and legacy from his competitor Justin Hammer (Sam Rockwell) and trying not to die from palladium poisoning—it’s best to leave that particular storyline alone. Thankfully, he has friends in all places: his best bud Rhodey is in the military; his would-be lady love, Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow), is the new Stark Corporation C.E.O.; his hand-sculpted-by-God new assistant, Natasha (Johansson), is at his beck and call and his cryptic, cyclopic ally Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson) is there to show up at just the right time with a box full of deus ex machina.

Oh, it’s a mess. Theroux’s subplots don’t tangle so much as they run parallel to one another, screaming at the top of their lungs the whole way. Still, it’s often a very fun mess. Between Rockwell’s foppish, flopping foil and Downey’s nuclear arsenal of charm, it may be physically impossible to not at least have a good time. That in and of itself is somewhat of an accomplishment in this post-Dark Knight era, when glee is often swapped out for “realistic” gruff. The biggest gaffe revealed is the weakness inherent to the mythos of Iron Man himself: his villains mostly suck. Vanko doesn’t so much present himself as a terrifying nemesis so much as a whack-a-mole who needs to get rock-em sock-em robot-ed every once and awhile.

What is most interesting is Marvel Comics’ commitment to their larger motion picture agenda. “Easter eggs,” the nickname given to the cinematic practice of tiny winks-and-nods to the audience, regarding Thor and Captain America are delivered by the double baker’s dozen. Although the claim that Iron Man 2 is nothing more than a set-up to the upcoming Avengers flick is overly dismissive and kind of pissy, there’s no question that the only truly consequential events in the film involve Fury and his soon-to-be-assembled team.

In some ways, Iron Man 2 is one of the most comic book-like of all comic book adaptations, with its superfluous-but-kinda-cool crossovers (as with the sometimes delightfully spandexed but wholly unnecessary Johansson) and dialed-to-11 storytelling. The first film was a surprise, riding the charisma of a redeemed former-cokehead superstar. The second doubles down hard in every department and uses Downey’s rapscallion nature as the glue that holds it together. It’s by no means a well-oiled machine, but this bucket of bolts is still blockbuster-bound.

Grade = B

Ryan's Junk Drawer

Congratulations! If you're reading this, you have made it to Thursday. Bravo on surviving a full week since last we met to discuss my junk (and by junk, I mean movie news that's not big enough to warrant a full blog post). I've had an insanely productive week, which means I shall reward myself at the first opportunity with meat and beer. Perhaps as early as right now. Thanks to the magic of the internets, you'll never know. As is our special tradition, before I dive headfirst into thoroughly flaunting my massive junk (again, movie news, people), we take a peek at the image above from Highlights Magazine (FOR CHILDREN), which is supposedly of an average junk drawer but is obviously the creepiest thing this side of "Charlotte's Web." Each week, we select an item from the illustration above and make up a wacky backstory for it, because it entertains me (and potentially nobody else). Today's item is the green and red pile in the lower right corner. When Claudette didn't receive the Barbie Hot Pink Fun N' Ride Ultra-Wheelie Mega Cycle for Christmas, she didn't get mad. Using the same evil genius that prevented Santa from delivering the gift in the first place, Claudette simply waited 364 days until the following Christmas Eve. Silently, ever so silently, she stealthily positioned herself just outside the chimney of goody-too-shoes Becky Butterbean's house. When she saw her chance, she sprang into motion. She was only able to catch an elf. But he would do...he would do. The terror inflicted upon that little red and green fella...is a tale best left for another day.

Okay, enough with the fun preamble, let's get to this week's peek at my junk!

1.) Because, by God, why not have a Power Pack movie? - It may sound like I'm about to disparage smaller comic book properties in the following paragraph. I am. But it's with love and a surprising amount of hope. Chud dropped the info that Marvel is going to be making movies based on some little-known characters (I mean, of course, little known to "regular" people...those who think a Ka-Zar is Obama's new appointee to watch over all things involving the letter K). These flicks are going to carry smaller budgets (we live in a world where $20-40 million is now a "small budget") and will feature folks like Dr. Strange, Luke Cage, Dazzler, and Power Pack. Now, I know what you're thinking: "Ryan, did you just f**king say Dazzler?" You bet your sweet disco-ball underoos I did. Dazzler, a superhero who was created in the heyday of disco and who can turn music to light or some such crap, is a perfect example of the the type of comic that should be made into a movie. Why? Because nobody cares about Dazzler. Basically, other than a few uber-dorks, what this move allows is for people to make aggressive, unique takes on characters with some measure of promise without the intense worry of studio suits because the budget is reasonable. Personally, I find this exciting. Then again, I own the first appearance of Power Pack. Suck on that.

2.) Robert Downey Jr is magic - Steve King from CD105.9, who is the incredibly kind and funny guy whose radio show I appear on every Friday morning at about 7:35 (you can also listen online), asked me today (I did the show early this week) about the Wizard of Oz shenanigans going on in Hollywood. They want to do something Oz-related really bad in Tinseltown, even if that means urinating on a piece of our collective cultural history so beloved that anyone who doesn't like The Wizard of Oz is either legally stoned to death by age 8 or forced to move to Canada. Personally, so long as they don't remake the movie, I don't mind them playing with the world of Oz...well, I don't mind as much. See, the LA Times mentions that the new project may involve Sam Mendes. You'll remember Sam as the guy who directed American Beauty. He's also the guy who just got divorced from this:
So, yeah, he makes bad decisions. Either Sammy the stupid or Adam Shankman, who directed the exceptionally forgettable Bedtime Stories, will likely direct Oz the Great and Powerful, with Robert Downey Jr starring as the Wizard of Oz. The script is written by the guy who wrote The Whole 9 Yards, so clearly there's no reason to be alarmed. As much as I love Downey, this can't be a good idea, right? When I said they could play in that world, I meant they could follow the misadventures of some minor character, not make a prequel to the classic film. Folks, somewhere over the rainbow, things sure suck.

3.) Spock no more - After a long, storied career, Leonard Nimoy is calling it quits. Likely because he's unable to physically beat away the groupies at his age, the man who made Spock the nerd touchstone that he is has decided to spend his remaining years out of the spotlight. He's said something similar before, but this seems to be the real deal. I would say too bad, but I feel like he's doing the right thing. Hell, at least he had the decency to go out on a good note, relaunching Star Trek. Not like Gene Hackman (Welcome to Mooseport) or Sean Connery (League of Extraordinary Gentlemen). Those dudes should come out of retirement and do one movie together just to clean the poop flavor from their mouths. How do you retire on those films? Anyway, you done good Leo. You done good.

4.) Batman 3 may not be in 3D...but it probably will - First up, we have news that the real Batman 3 news will actually come in July...or May...or June. The idea being, the timetable is set up as such that if development mirrored The Dark Knight, we'd get an announcement at July's San Diego Comic Convention about the title and a major piece of casting, along with a release date. Maybe that happens before the Con, maybe it happens after. What you'll find about the third Christopher Nolan Bat film is that nobody knows anything and that doesn't stop people from talking about it. Aint it Cool News actually got some important news, in that they got the cinematographer who worked with Nolan on the last 2 flicks to say that neither he nor Nolan wants to do Batman 3 in 3D. Woo hoo! So, what will probably happen is, they'll do the film in 3D. Look, the studio isn't going to throw away literally tens of millions of dollars. They will force Nolan to do 3D unless he's willing to walk over it, which I doubt he is. The only possibility is that he convinces them that they can get the same sort of bump by just doing IMAX screenings, because he loves that format. I agree with him. The scenes in IMAX from The Dark Knight were the film's best. So there you have it: it may or may not be in 3D and it may or may not be officially announced some time in the near future. Ah, the nonsense of Bat-news.

5.) Trailers, Parked - This week brings us ladies who are killers, a lady who is killer hot, and Robert Duvall. I'll take all three please.

First up is John Woo's Reign of Assassins. Yes, it looks like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, but I loved that movie, so I don't care. It's been awhile since I've seen a flick like this on the big screen, so I'm ready for it. See for yourself.


Next up is Easy A. This isn't really a telling trailer, but shows off (A) how adorable Emma Stone is, (B) how charismatic she is, and (C) how poised she is to be huge. The film is actually about a high-school girl who tells a lie about how she lost her virginity and finds herself in a situation that she feels mirrors Hestor Prynne's in The Scarlett Letter. I, for one, am actually quite excited about this. Given the good casting and clever idea, this could be the next Mean Girls.


Finally, we have the killer trailer for Get Low, which looks like what would happen if you mixed a non-washed up Tim Burton movie with the Coen brothers. You had me at Bill Murray and Robert Duvall, but the trailer actually goes beyond that. This is surprisingly rising fast on my must see list.


Okay, sinners, that's it for now. Thanks for peeking at my junk, and see you tomorrow for a fun-filled Friday!

Jolie replaced with Downey Jr...wait, what?

Awhile back (like a week or so), we told you that Angelina Jolie was ixnaying Wanted 2 and was hopping aboard a spaceship for Alfonso Cuaron in Gravity, a movie that sort of sounds like Moon (insofar as it's about a solo space mission). Well, Jolie decided that movie didn't sound like it sucked enough, so she's out and Robert Downey Jr, who is on a hot streak hotter than skid-marks in the underpants of a lava pooper, is in. Obviously, the gender of the character isn't a pivotal issue, but it is weird to see Mike Fleming note that Downey Jr is getting a role Jolie almost had. For what it's worth, I'd rather watch Downey Jr in a one-man-acting show than Jolie flop her Oscar Meyer lips all over the screen for two hours, even though Cuaron probably would have gotten the best performance of her career out of her. In case you couldn't tell, I'm officially off "Team Jolie" no matter how many wonderful humanitarian causes she supports. She seems crazy and can't act all that well. Also, I never found her that hot. She looks like a cartoon of a woman someone would be attracted to. Thanks for visiting Ryan's grumpy Monday, try some coffee and have a bagel.

Breaking News: Iron Man 2 trailer suggests the film may be cool

Let's just kick off Monday right. You may not have stayed up after the Oscars long enough to see this:



Yeah, I know. I'm as shocked as you are; it looks like Iron Man 2 may be re-damn-diculous. I mean, I had my money on "incredible" or potentially "intensely bad-ass," but this is now seriously approaching re-damn-diculous categorization. Few films have achieved such an honor, but when you dress Scarlett Johansson in leather, throw in multiple armored-encrusted good-guys fighting armor-covered robot bad guys, mix in a Russian Mickey Rourke, a toothy Sam Rockwell, and a leggy Gwyneth Paltrow, and top the whole affair with an angry-looking Samuel L Jackson as Nick Fury...I think we have a re-damn-diculous contender. It's also a good point to mention that the exchange between Tina Fey and Robert Downey Jr was Oscar's funniest moment for me last night, proving that Downey Jr is just unstoppable at this point. If it were anyone else in that metal suit, I would not be trying to control my Iron Man lust, but after that trailer, I need a cold shower and a thesaurus for more adjectives. Hotcha!

Facial hair on the brain

I shaved my beard off, mostly because I had simply grown tired of it, as I am prone to do with anything other than all of popular culture and kettle-corn chips. Now I look like a 12-year-old version of myself. Seriously, I look like a motion capture rendering of myself. It's kind of embarrassing. Anyhoodle, I mention this because the biggest issue in the Golden Globe kerfuffle (Avatar WHAT?!) was actually Robert Downey Jr's facial hair.
This isn't a fashion thing like what the she-beast Joan Rivers, who suckles at the teat of our mutual destruction, is obsessed with. No, this is nerd-related shit here. Devin, who is himself quite bearded, has a great piece at CHUD about what Downey Jr REGROWING the now famous Tony Stark facial hair may mean. Essentially, Devin thinks he's either doing a reshoot for Iron Man 2, which wrapped awhile back now, or (more exciting) shooting a cameo in the now shooting Thor. FYI, when I typed that last sentence, I originally put that he was shooting a camero, which would be way cooler. Devin makes a great, great, great point about how director Jon Favreau and Downey riffed so well while shooting the first one that they went back and shored it up after they looked through the editing stage, so he hopes that's what's happening now to give us the strongest possible Iron Man 2. That's great if that's the case, but my panties are in a superheroic bunch at the lucious, sexy thought of having RDJ appear in some quasi-substantial way in Thor. At this rate, The Avengers movie is already a thing of legend to me...and they haven't even written it yet.

Ryan's Junk Drawer

Hello, hello, hello! Welcome back to the wacky world of my junk. Once more with feeling, this is the weekly column in which I jam pack a whole bunch of tiny tidbits that don't warrant their own entire blog entry. Think of it like a bucket for leftover pocket change, only I actually do something with the extra dough, it's not mostly GD pennies, and there's nary a button or stick of gum to be found. Also, the creepy image above, which is from Highlights Magazine for Children, is studied every week, as I come up with some disturbing take on the image, because we all know that's John Wayne Gacy's hand. Today's take involves the strangely disappearing hand. Just as entropy was consuming the universe thanks to that proton collider which was guaranteed not to rip open a hole in reality, Gary remembered where he kept his lucky rabbit's foot. Were it not for the end of all that is finally disintegrating the world behind him, he would have grabbed it, too. Sad.

Now on to the weekly news nuggets too scrawny to make the big leagues. Grab a hold of something...here comes my junk.

1.) Just FYI, if Robert Pattinson plays Spider-man, I'm blowing up earth - The only reason I haven't included the rumor that Pattinson is up for the role of Peter Parker in a huge ranting blog post despite hearing it from multiple sources is because I refuse to even entertain it. If that bushy eyebrowed, half-wit, homeless-looking, talentless, pasty, British object of 40-year-old-women-who-love-cats-and-13-year-old-girls-who-don't-understand-statutory-rape is cast as the greatest superhero of all time (yeah, I'll fight you on that one too if you disagree), I will straight up find a way to nuclear proliferate my own home and end this world as we know it. This is not an idle threat, this is the threat of a man with a billion comics, an undying love for the character of Spidey, and the means to create a geek army to do his bidding (right...right, guys?). I don't care that f**king Marc Webb may ride his medicore 500 Days of Summer into the director's role in order to deliver a f**king teeny-pop take on the iconic superhero. I don't care that they'll probably have music from the f**king Jonas Brothers. Okay, I do care about all of that, but I care mostly about not having the disheveled walking corpse, the greasy hack that is Pattinson as my favorite character. You could say it downright bothers me.



2.) So long as the fifth brother is an animal... - I could watch Andy Sandberg's Mark Wahlberg talking to animals for about 2 weeks, maybe more. Each and every "how's it goin' chicken?" sends me into fits of hysteria. So,with THR reporting that Wahlberg has engineered a sequel to the little-seen but somehow still slightly enjoyed Four Brothers (the movie that made Andre 3000 think he should do movies instead of providing more insanely groovy music) is getting a sequel. It will be called Five Brothers but would get a bigger audience if it was Four Brothers and a Goat. I would see the latter movie 10 times in the theater. There's really no word on a plot, but that's not all that surprising given that it's a sequel. No director is set to attach, but John Singleton will probably return because he's not exactly busy at this point. He was set to direct The A-Team for forever, so I can imagine he's in a world of pain right now after seeing the trailer. Oh, his take on it might have sucked more, but there's no denying his BA Baracas wouldn't be the ridiculous biscuits that Rampage Jackson appears to be. Oh, and I wasn't going to leave you hanging. Enjoy.



3.) If Pixar made toilet paper, it would be the best toilet paper ever - Few studios have done no wrong...actually, I think it's just Pixar to be honest. One of the more interesting developments at the studio is the upcoming John Carter of Mars. The reason? It's not an animated film...well, at least not entirely. According to one line over at THR, "The movie will be a hybrid of live action and CGI." Whether or not this is 100% accurate, the prospect of Pixar doing adult fare (with real people in it or not) is about as exciting as you can get, because their kids movies are more fulfilling and satisfying for adults than most adult movies. The movie follows John Carter (to be played by "Friday Night Lights" hubba-hubba hunk Taylor Kitsch), who is a Civil War vet who winds up transported to Mars, where he fights in another war...so dude can't catch a break. The cast now includes Lynn Collins, Willem Dafoe, Samantha Morton, Polly Walker (rejoice Polly Walker fans...who's Polly Walker again?), and most recently added, Emmy Award winner Bryan Cranston from "Breaking Bad" (who is likely thrilled that is now his reference point instead of "Malcom in the Middle"). I can't say for sure that this is going to be the live-action hybrid promised, but I don't care. I'm so ready to see what Pixar does by branching out that I feel the exact opposite as when I think about Robert Pattinson as Peter Parker.

4.) Daniel Craig desires Downey Jr.'s sloppy seconds - Cowboys and Aliens is a project so obviously Hollywood that it's insane that it has taken over 10 years for the film version to get this far. The latest setback is Robert Downey Jr stepping away from the project, presumably to count his Iron Man and Sherlock Holmes money (you could really argue that RDJ is getting into that rarified Will Smith/Hugh Jackman/George Clooney movie-star range again...and good for him). The replacement may be somewhat disappointing, not from an acting standpoint (that's assuming that they're going to be acting in Cowboys and Aliens), but what it means about the other project this replacement cowboy would not be shooting. Confused? It's Daniel Craig. If he becomes a cowboy this summer, as Collider is suggesting, he will not be shooting Bond 23 this summer. I've been salivating for this next Bond film, given how much I've loved the revamp (yes, even Quantum of Solace, asshats). This third film should payoff with a fight against the big bad guys and it's written by the playwright behind Frost/Nixon. God, I want it so bad it hurts me. Still, with MGM (007's studio) suckin' tail right now, chances are Craig will be donning a cowboy hat before a tux.

5.) Trailer's parked - This week has a few interesting trailers, the first two being new takes on movies we've already seen trailers from and the last being a Kevin Costner movie...I know.

A-Team - The preview is pretty much what you'd expect, although I've begun hearing about some discontent on the set, including some Sharlto Copeley concerns...which sucks. I say "pretty much" what you'd expect, because it goes full-retard in the last minute. The tank thing...shudder.



Kick-Ass - Hands down one of my most anticipated films for this next year, the buzz among people I follow who have seen it is absolutely incredible. This trailer shows why. I'm super amped.



Company Men - Finally, the weirdest of the bunch. A downsizing drama (with a weird, weird trailer) featuring Chris Cooper (YAY!), Tommy Lee Jones (YAY!), Maria Bello (YAY!), Ben Affleck (okay), and Kevin Costner (wait a minute...). It looks all poignant and shit, which means it could actually be touching or could be touching in a bad touch way. Not sure.

That's almost too much junk to handle, so try to take it all in and I'll see you tomorrow.

Norton may once more nurse at the Hulk's teat

Note to Marvel Films...wait, I guess they aren't really "in charge" anymore after the Disney pick-up. Okay, note to the head of Disney's live-action movie division. Oh, right, that guy just quit, too. You know what, this is probably just for me and the few loyal, intelligent, kind-hearted, virtuous, attractive, well-endowed, special people who read this blog anyway (that's not kissing up, I truly love you). So, if any of you could pass along this message to the makers of The Avengers, it would make you even sexier. The Hulk needs to be the villain in the upcoming superheroic cluster-frak that The Avengers will be. Not only would it work neatly into the material you've already established on screen, but I think it may allow you to convince Ed Norton to come back. See, right now, Ed Norton is on the fence (not literally, that would be painful), as demonstrated by his MTV interview wherein he doesn't quite confirm, deny, or laugh about coming back for another go at ole saggy green boobs so much as he suggests he needs a reason. Howsabout squaring off against Robert Downey Jr? That's a good reason. Ed's a good actor, even if he seems like a category 5 D-bag in most interviews, and I liked The Hulk a lot. It was pretty much spot-on Hulkage, so if you didn't like that, you didn't like the Hulk, which is cool. I'm just saying, if cards are played correctly, Norton could come back, and I think that's a good thing. I realize this is not a lot of info to warrant a whole blog post, but people aren't doing anything interesting today and it's not my fault.

Michelle Monaghan can kiss, kiss, bang, bang all she wants

In a world where Cameron Diaz is rumored for every single role requiring ovaries, where Renee Zellweger, Charlize Theron, and Halle Berry are Oscar winners, and where Sandra Bullock is still the rom-com queen, why is it that Michelle Monaghan isn't one of the most famous women in film? Exhibit A:

Obviously, there's no need for an Exhibit B, but if there were, I'd point to her work in Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang and Gone, Baby, Gone as examples of this gravel-voiced angel's ability to nail just about every emotion in the human experience...and yet, you walk in and say "I am about to have a restraining order put on me by Michelle Monaghan" and people yell "who?" Well, first they yell "Get out of here before I shoot" but then they yell "who?" The good news is that Monaghan is making inroads towards the fame she so richly deserves, as she is starring alongside Zack Galifianakis and is reuniting with Robert Downey Jr (I do show a lot of hot chick photos...so in the interest of fairness.



The film is called Due Date and it sounds totally generic but potentially very popular. Downey Jr must get home for his wife's birth (Monaghan) and he is accompanied by Galifianakis in a total rip-off of Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. The film will be directed by frat-boy comic God Todd Philips. Prior to this film, Monaghan will be starring in Sofia Coppola's Somewhere, which is really exciting because Coppola is perhaps the most gifted female director working right now. So, remember this face

As if you could forget it.

My wife's head is about to explode

Those lucky enough to have met my loving wife (it's our anniversary, so I'm forgiven for my syrupy adjectives), know that Abbie is nothing if not a horse enthusiast. That girl loves her some ponies to the degree that car rides consist of conversations like this: "Hello wife, shall we discuss amazing political nuances that have resonance upon our modern society." "Yes husband, I believe we shall. I think it was Alexander Hamilton who first said PONIES! OHMYGOD, do you see them?! THEY ARE SO AMAZING! I WANT THE PALOMINO! Hamilton who first said 'Constitutions should only consist of general provisions.'" She also has a deep mistrust of most science fiction, if only because she was not exposed to it as a child; she grew up in the country and apparently "played outside" or some such nonsense. Anyway, it's going to make her head pop when I tell her that Variety is reporting that Jon Favreau and Robert Downey Jr of Iron Man asskickery are making Cowboys and Aliens: a movie with spaceships and ponies. See:



Now, many of you nerds out there are all like "hey, you should get her to watch 'Firefly.'" Well, nerds, I have tried, but I made the foolish mistake of making that effort when she was not in the proper mood. Results were less than shiny. The good news is, with this flick, she already knows and likes the people involved (Downey Jr made her personal "best dressed" list at last years Oscars and she voluntarily rewatched Iron Man multiple times) AND, being that she's a Lostie and "Alias" fan like me, news that Damon Lindeloff is involved in the screenwriting process (along with Kurtzman and Orci who officially write everything now...and are on "good taste" probation after Transformers 2). The script is based on the graphic novel shown above and follows cowboys (real ones, not Tony Romo) and Native Americans are fighting in Arizona when a huge space ship arrives. I haven't read it, but my guess is the Native Americans figure out how to stop it while the cowboys are busy trying to eat stew. So, gentle readers, the question becomes: Will my wife love it for the ponies and native peoples or fear it for the aliens? Only time will tell. Stay tuned.

Inside Ryan's Junk Drawer: Shhh, it's where I keep Patrick Dempsey.

Time for this week's peek into news that's just nowhere near interesting or complete enough to comprise it's own post (even for me and I can talk, at length, about virtually anything, as evidenced by the infamous "Why is Howie Mandell so popular?" discussion of 2003). I cleverly save the drool-inducing bit of tid for last to encourage you to read through the other stuff (I ain't no dummy, I know you'll close out after seeing my goodies without even staying to cuddle...or read about Patrick Dempsey). Without further ado, let's take a dive inside my junk drawer (Dempsey's running out of air in there).

1.) Variety is reporting that Scott Speedman (who has touched Kate Beckinsale), Bruce Greenwood (not the guy who sings "Proud to Be An American"), and Macha Grenon (I have no idea) joined the cast of Barnie's Version, which already stars Paul Giamatti (no, that's Philip Seymour Hoffman), Dustin Hoffman (the incredible shrinking man), and Minnie Driver (clearly not dead). The film is strange (something about a guy who has had three marriages and ends up embroiled in a missing persons case), but it was based on a novel, so it presumably has some semblance of plot (or not, I heard that one of the talentless she-vipers from "The Hills" is writing some kind of book...well, writing is a strong word, she's allowing her whorish name to go on the cover). I only mention this at all because Giamatti is always interesting and, once upon a time, so was Hoffman (no, that was not a Hook reference...although, bangarang).

2.) Variety is not done yet, as they also are providing you the news you've been lusting for, Patrick Dempsey is going to star in The Art of Racing in the Rain, the title of which could make me vomit unto itself. Supposedly, the book is (and this is a direct quote from the Variety story here) "driven by the reminiscences of Enzo, a family dog with a near-human soul and a philosopher's mind." Are. You. Effing. Kidding. Me. I'm not saying that Dempsey had integrity or a substantial career, but this is a sure sign that (in the twilight of his dreaminess), he's not going down without a fight. He won't play the dog, which is sad as that seems to be the plum role, but will play a race car driver. I can only assume that this decision is based on Dempsey's unwillingness to suffer his post-Can't Buy Me Love obscurity again. Said Dempsey, "I won't go back. I'LL DIE BEFORE I GO BACK! I'LL MAKE 10 DOG MOVIES BEFORE I GO BACK! I WON'T GO DOWN LIKE HAIM AND FELDMAN, YOU BASTARDS WILL SEE!"

3.) Switching over to America's second favorite press release site, The Hollywood Reporter has further information about the terrible idea that Rod Lurie had to remake Straw Dogs, a Sam Peckinpah movie. Thankfully, if you wanted anyone to remake the classic film, the first three names you'd come up with are Kate Bosworth, James Marsden, and Alexander Skarsgard (not Steven Saarsgaard or Stellen Staarsgaard or my favorite He-Man action figure Steel Scarsguard). Skarsgard was almost Thor in the new movie (he even tried on the costume!), so he was thisclose to touching Natalie Portman. Now, he'll have to settle for giving a classic film the dirty touch.

4.) Because I can't ignore Willem Dafoe news without threat of him harming me, The Hollywood Reporter is also reporting that the crazy son-of-a-bitch will star alongside Taylor Kitsch (who sucked while playing the sucky character, Gambit, in the sucky new Wolverine movie from the suckiest studio out there) in John Carter of Mars. I'm only okay with this film because it's based on a sweet-ass Edgar Rice Burroughs book and it is being helmed by the guy who did Wall-E (under the oversight of guys from Pixar). Less encouraging is the fact that Dafoe will be green. My guess is he's trying to avoid special effects and is willing himself to turn that color.

5.) Okay, you've waited long enough. This week has been a virtual tour of my favorite ladies to look at in Hollywood. We had Natalie Portman, Cate Blanchett, and now...the hottest keister to ever open a Sophia Coppola movie is back with our first look at her in her Black Widow costume on the cover of the next EW. Take a look:



Yeah, that's going to keep me going through today. Wowza! I don't know how her Russian accent will be (I'm guessing somewhere between Chekov's "Nuclear wessel" and Kevin Costner's Robin Hood), but she sure does look the part (ggggrrrrowlll). And with that, I take my leave of you...for now.