Finally, I'm SUPPOSED to hate Orlando Bloom

Other than his absolutely pitch-perfect Legolas in The Lord of the Rings trilogy, I have no use for Orlando Bloom and his pretty face. He sucks. Bad. Elizabethtown's only purpose should be to serve as "Exhibit A" in a trial of "People with Taste vs Orlando Bloom." So after years and years of wanting something terrible to happen to his kisser, I'm going to likely get my wish. Variety is reporting that Bloom will play the villain in one of the dueling Three Musketeers movies (the one directed by crapmaster Paul WS Anderson....so, yeah, probably won't be excited about this one). As much as I think certain stories are timeless, does anyone wonder why Bloom is considered to be timeless insofar as he's only cast in movies that take place in the past. Cue Keenan for my "what up with that" question. Do we believe that people in the past were wooden, overacted whenever dealing with any kind of conflict, and all looked like they deserved a wicked face beating? The only exciting part of this is that I get to root against Orlando...provided I can make myself sit through a movie by the bad Paul Anderson. I still think Paul Thomas Anderson should beat the crap out of Paul WS Anderson just for his name alone. I would also pay money to see that. He should beat him up by swinging Orlando Bloom at him. Okay, enough, I'm loopy today.

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The "WS" stands for wickedly shitty

In a way, you almost have to be impressed with Paul WS Anderson. No, not Paul Thomas Anderson, the director and writer of brilliant films like Magnolia, Boogie Nights, Punch Drunk Love, and There Will Be Blood. I mean Paul WS Anderson, who directed Mortal Kombat, Event Horizon, Soldier, Resident Evil, Alien vs Predator, and Death Race. Sorry, that was a long list of film titles, and nobody likes to read a whole list of film titles when they want to hear interesting things about movies. Anyhoodle, I'm amazed that ole WS is still able to get work, and not just any work, but work that OTHER people actually want. Deadline reports that WS snagged the directing gig for Buck Rogers, a revamp of the pulp icon that will be in 3D. Frank Miller at one point had that job, but he isn't blessed with the anti-shit-stick formula that has allowed WS to keep making movies. Seriously, did you see that he directed both AvP AND Soldier. Either of those would have ended the career of lesser men, but this guy is like a cinematic cockroach. He just won't die. Personally, this movie is now totally off my radar. It wasn't really that high when Miller was attached, but I liked the character enough to consider it. No longer. If you see a movie that has Paul WS Anderson's name on it, it's like reading a warning label on something that says "if you eat this, it will kill you" and then eating that something anyway. This is actually a public service: Now you don't have to go see Buck Rogers.

Paul WS Anderson hasn't done anything good besides Milla Jovovich

If I were brilliant writer/director Paul Thomas Anderson (he of There Will Be Blood and Punch Drunk Love), I would find crapmaster Paul WS Anderson and punch the nomenclature similarity out of his face. The WS stands for "weak shit," as that distributor of things that are awful is responsible for so many bad things, not the least of which was Mortal Kombat and Alien Vs Predator. If you think about it, even though Uwe Boll gets all the crap for being the worst director ever, he usually chooses shitty subject matter. Anderson, on the other hand, has ruined stuff that could be cool (seriously, we wanted Aliens and Predators on screen together for how long?). So, when I heard that the maven of mediocrity, the perpetrator of poo poo, the director of dumpage was going to take on "The Three Musketeers," I hoped he meant this:

or this

but he didn't. According to HeatVision, Anderson said the following utter horsepuckey:

“We are definitely modernizing ‘The Three Musketeers’ without compromising the fun of shooting a period piece,” said Anderson, who hopes to shoot in France and Germany. “But in our film, corsets and feathered hats don’t take center stage. Our version is rich in eye-popping action, romance and adventure.”

What the eff does "modernizing" the concept without "compromising the fun of shooting a period piece" mean? You're going to make them all indie rock kids in the 1400s? Seriously, explain yourself Weak Shit, because I'm really confused. It's not like we haven't seen a sloppy remake of this material before...were it not for that beautiful, inspired, original song by Sting, Brian Adams, and Rod Stewart I would curse it's very existence. But unless Weak Shit can somehow once more rejoin the legends of wuss rock for a reunion song, I'm thinking there's no reason for this to happen.