Friday Blitz 2: Horny for Hornet? You'll have to wait.

Brace yourselves, it's Friday Blitz part deux:

The path of The Green Hornet to the big screen is complicated and awful enough to make you wonder what level of dedication you have to have to overcome years of obstacles just to bring a mediocre 60s television show about a dude who wears a lame mask and his racially troubling relationship with his manservant who knows kung fu. Me? I'd have given up after the first three projects fell apart. Now comes word that the latest installment, which has gotten to the point where they're filming and such (with Seth Rogen and director Michel freakin' Gondry), is going to be delayed further from its original delay. It was supposed to be a summer movie, then it was a winter movie, now it's a 2011 movie, with the film bumping to MLK Jr Day 2011 in order to, you guessed it, convert the thing to 3D. Now, as much as I don't mind the thought of watching Gondry blow my everlovin' mind in three dimensions, converting a film not shot in 3D looks like shit and the fad has officially gone from "overblown" to "Twilight-level." Like deep-fat-fried anything, 3D is good in moderation, not as all 3 meals for the day. I'm intrigued by The Green Hornet (solely on the Gondry basis), but this turns me off a great deal.

Anger, 3D be thy name

If you've watched any morning news program, you've no doubt seen that theaters are increasing 3D ticket prices as soon as right effin' now. This isn't exactly hard-hitting reporting, but Matt Lauer has to do something with his morning besides listen to Al Roker crack wise and try not to stab Ann Curry. Seriously, Roker, I don't know what Faustian deal brought you into this world, but you aren't funny and any teleprompter monkey can read the weather, and don't even get me started on you, Ann Curry. If my imaginary island where I send annoying people was real, you'd be locked in some sort of brutal deathmatch with Limbaugh and Beck for island supremacy. Anyway, I'm about to rant about 3D for a minute, not because my voice is that much different from the many others who have been ranting about it, but because I'm cheesed off and may as well write it out.

It goes like this: Greedy, greedy, greedy, greedy. Somehow, the powers that be are not content with fleecing the public by making us pay a few dollars more for 3D tickets, despite the fact that the glasses only cost the theaters pennies and the projector (the only thing that they had to really make an investment in) is paid for rather quickly. This isn't about recouping cash, this is about figuring out what the pressure point is for the American people. So long as you plunk down whatever ridiculous price they charge to see Johnny Depp assify himself in 3D, they'll keep raising the price. When every project suddenly was announced to be in 3D, I ignored it for the most part, dismissing it as a fad that would eventually go away (a truth that remains). But the fact that these assholes, these ignorant bastards are going to try to bilk the public out of more and more money just to see if they can has finally broke my will. What happens if people say "it's too expensive to go to the movies" and stop going...for good? I know you don't THINK that will happen, but it might. And even if it doesn't, I know you're not FORCING people to pay these prices, but you may be denying kids a fun experience. No way mom and dad can afford to take 2-3 kids to go see the latest 3D affair if it's going to set them back $100 bucks total. That's just asinine. We're still in a recession, morons. As much as I thought 3D may be a fun way to get audiences to see movies, as much as I thought it could be a fun little addition that may help movies from time to time, the combined movement of almost all productions to 3D and this new "let's grab some more cash" attitude from the theater owners/studios has sent me over the edge.

Stop seeing movies in 3D, people. Stop it right now. If we refuse to plunk down the extra money, we can send a message that we're not lemmings that will just totter in and pay whatever because we think we have to. Stop it. See Clash of the Titans in 2D, like it was originally conceived, and watch as studios freak out. Make this the new policy until they stabilize prices. This is bad business and bad etiquette. I'm not saying I'll NEVER see another 3D movie, especially at free screenings. I just won't be paying for them if I can avoid it at all.

The "WS" stands for wickedly shitty

In a way, you almost have to be impressed with Paul WS Anderson. No, not Paul Thomas Anderson, the director and writer of brilliant films like Magnolia, Boogie Nights, Punch Drunk Love, and There Will Be Blood. I mean Paul WS Anderson, who directed Mortal Kombat, Event Horizon, Soldier, Resident Evil, Alien vs Predator, and Death Race. Sorry, that was a long list of film titles, and nobody likes to read a whole list of film titles when they want to hear interesting things about movies. Anyhoodle, I'm amazed that ole WS is still able to get work, and not just any work, but work that OTHER people actually want. Deadline reports that WS snagged the directing gig for Buck Rogers, a revamp of the pulp icon that will be in 3D. Frank Miller at one point had that job, but he isn't blessed with the anti-shit-stick formula that has allowed WS to keep making movies. Seriously, did you see that he directed both AvP AND Soldier. Either of those would have ended the career of lesser men, but this guy is like a cinematic cockroach. He just won't die. Personally, this movie is now totally off my radar. It wasn't really that high when Miller was attached, but I liked the character enough to consider it. No longer. If you see a movie that has Paul WS Anderson's name on it, it's like reading a warning label on something that says "if you eat this, it will kill you" and then eating that something anyway. This is actually a public service: Now you don't have to go see Buck Rogers.

Suddenly, the phrase "Joe Jonas is Hamlet" is now possible

I can't tell you how many times I've found myself saying, "Shakespeare would really resonate with kids if they could just see it in a movie theater in 3D with musical numbers, you know, like a combination of High School Musical and Harry Potter!" Okay, I'll tell you, that number of times is zero. So, it is a bard-induced bummer that Variety is reporting that "Mark Thomas of Elsinore Films is producing a 3-D musical Hamlet targeting the Harry Potter and High School Musical market." Don't worry, they'll also be doing Macbeth, Romeo and Juliet, A Midsummer Night's Dream, Twelfth Night, and The Tempest, which will likely feature Miley Cyrus grinding on a stripper's pole about how the storm is making her all wet (she asked for that, little horse-toothed hussy). I'm not saying I don't want to expose the kids to Shakespeare (I don't want to expose them to Miley "here's my yum yums at SIXTEEN" Cyrus, that's for sure). That said...we're not exposing them to Shakespeare, we exposing them to a fairly clever but still decidedly NOT Shakespearean adaptation of Shakespeare. The point is the language and the time period. Yes, it is entertaining to stage "Macbeth" in the old west or something, but that's for people who are already familiar with Shakespeare. Look, it's like saying you don't like beer but you like Mike's Hard Lemonade. That's not beer. Sure, it comes in a beer bottle and it contains alcohol, but it ISN'T BEER. It's fine that you don't like beer, but don't put a bunch of sugar in a bottle and then ask for THAT when I ask if you want a beer! Now, I'm thirsty. I don't give two shits if there's singing-and-dancing in three dimensions if it gets kids interested, but it won't. It isn't the means to an end, it's the end to an end, as they're not going to chase down the original "Othello" after they see Hillary Duff or whoever singing "To be or not to be...hot!" That's my grumpy rant of the day. BAH HUMBUG!