I'm officially toying with my friend's emotion

The easiest way to explain this is SAT question style: Spiderman is to Ryan, as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is to Cameron. Now, don't get me wrong, my beloved cartoonish fetish spouts phrases like "With great power, comes great responsibility" whereas his says "Cowabunga," so that formula isn't perfect. Still, I remember the interminable suffering I experienced whilst waiting for them to finally make a live-action version of Spidey I could truly enjoy. Let's face it, although thrilling in the 1990s, the original non-animated TMNT movie eventually led to this:



I included this clip because it featured Vanilla Ice giving his rationale for why he accepted the job. Previously, I thought the answer was "during this time in my life, I just do whatever the great Lord Satan tells me to. If I disobey, he'll instantly take my fame away and leave me starring in a Vh1 reality show with a dude porn star, and nobody wants that." Anyway, Cambo, buck up buddy because we have some real movement on a live-action turtle flick that presumably doesn't involve the worst rapper this side of Andy Rooney. According to Deadline, Michael Bay's Platinum Dunes production company is going to be stepping in to help the $60 million flick get rolling. This involvement means we're likely going to actually see this sooner than later, as this company gets shit done, yo. See, turtle-lovers, there's nothing to worry about, whenever Platinum Dunes and Michael Bay is involved, you know the story is the single most important thing. Oh, and April O'Neal will now have size 38 DD breasts, all of the turtles will be equipped with rocket launching machine guns, and at least one of them is going to be crazy racist. GOOOOOO TURTLES!

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Because people who read my shiznit love TMNT

I don't know each and every one of you reading this right now...okay, maybe I do, I just don't know that I do. But I do know that at least some of you reading this are apeshit nerds for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and aren't even shy or ashamed about that like you should be. Need I remind you that there was a movie of said martial-artist reptiles that featured VANILLA ICE repeated yelling "Go ninja, go ninja, go!" See:



If you are a fan of TMNT, you are okay with that. Anyhoodle (yes, I'm aware I mocked others for watching TMNT and then used "anyhoodle"...deal with it), Variety is reporting that a writer has been hired to bring the little headband wearing mothertruckers back to life in live-action form. That writer's name is John Fusco and he also wrote Young Guns and Hidalgo. Wait...what? Horses and turtles have nothing in common! Seriously, have you tried to ride a turtle? It sucks, as they are very smooshable. Horses, notsomuch. Although I hope this means more work for Emilio Estevez (who is more than willing to do a terrible Asian accent for Splinter), I'm a little concerned about what this means for the turtles. See, Hidalgo was basically a love story between a dude and his horse. I'm not okay with that. This means we could be seeing some human-on-turtle action, and we've got kids to think about here. I'm not sure the tone they're going to go for (I heard it will be serious), but I have to encourage them to go for the humorous angle. You simply can't sell this concept in live-action form and have it not end with this:



You just remember that.