Ryan's Junk Drawer

Hey everybody, it's Thursday, which means your wait to see my junk is finally at an end! Weekly explanation: My junk refers to movie news tidbits that aren't big enough to warrant their own entire story. It's also just an excuse to make jokes about genitalia, as in: "Everyone should see my junk, it's really spectacular this week...it will likely get you pregnant." Okay, that last part didn't work, but I was thinking about "30 Rock," so I wanted to talk about getting something pregnant. Another weekly game we play is to examine the image above from Highlights Magazine for Children (it didn't specify, but I believe the creepy image above suggests it's actually "Highlights Magazine for Sociopathic Children"). We look at it, pick an item, and make up some chilling and weird story about it...you know, for funsies. Today's item is the game token (looks like a quarter) in the middle. Sam grew up loving arcade games and dreaming of a world just like The Last Starfighter, where he would be whisked away to another space universe and heralded as their champion for his unmatched skill in playing "Space Swords." After spending almost all of his allowance, then half his paycheck, then everything but his alimony payments, Sam finally gave up, tossing his last token in the junk drawer. Sadly, had he played that last game, Gleepglorp from the planet Schlubby would have flown down and retrieved him so that he could help overthrow the evil overlord that was keeping the good people of planet Schlubby enslaved. Oh well!

Here's this week's junk, exposed for all to see.

1.) Mel Gibson is back with Black - Shane Black is directing Cold Warrior, a movie about a Cold War spy who unretires to save the world with a young, nubile co-agent (I may have added the nubile part), featuring Mel Gibson (as the non-nubile one). That was a really long linked sentence. Anyway, this is cool because Black directed Gibson in Lethal Weapon, you remember, back when Mel Gibson was "Action-star Mel Gibson" and not "Mel 'Sugar Tits' Gibson," which is actually a way cooler nickname. Despite the fact that Black did not write the script, it is his first directorial effort since Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, which would probably make my top 10 favorite movies ever. Seriously. Here's a clip from it.



As far as who will play the agent who helps Mel's formally retired Cold War spy, it's the usual list of Shias and Ashtons, but I'm holding out hope for Ryan Gosling, who I believe still makes movies but am no longer sure.

2.) Avengers assembled! - In a sure sign that we're headed towards the moment we've all been waiting for (and be "we all" I mean me), Kevin Feige confirmed the lineup for the Avengers movie. According to Feige (which I believe is pronounced like "beige" but I wish was pronounced like "fig") "…its three people, four including Hulk , five including Nick Fury - who you have seen before in other movies, coming together for the very first time." To give you a visual indication, it's the following:

Plus Sam Jackson, lookin' all "patchy." This is good. This doesn't mean that we may not see Hawkeye or the Wasp in a cameo, but I actually think keeping the roster low is a great idea. Not only will it help with believability (barring the Norse God and all), but it helps keep characterization possible, which is nice. More than any other comic book movie, I'm looking forward to this one.

3.) We have a late entry for "Worst Idea Ever" - Miley Cyrus and Demi Moore are making a movie together...a movie called LOL. That sentence should be enough to make most people cry blood and vomit their dreams up. If you had a loved one kill themselves after reading that sentence, I apologize but comfort yourself in knowing that they won't ever live in a world where Miley Cyrus and Demi Moore HAVE made a movie together. The description of the film doesn't do any favors either, so if you're on the suicide fence after what I said earlier, look away. According to Variety, "The pic tells the story of a 15-year-old girl who, dumped by her more sexually experienced boyfriend, sets her sights on his best friend. At the same time, her 40-year-old divorcee mother is struggling to move on with her life. The fraught relationship between mother and daughter provides the film with its narrative backbone, along with the younger generation's obsession with instant messaging." Yep, it's all the fun of text-message conversation combined with Miley "how am I an oversexualized object when I starred in a Disney show and have teeth that would make Mr. Ed shy away" Cyrus and Demi "I'm more robot than woman at this point" Moore. It's based on a foreign film. And by foreign, I can only assume they mean forged in hell. If you make me angry, I will find a way to make you see this.

4.) Knockout's title is seeming more and more apropos - Bill Paxton is replacing Dennis Quaid and Antonio Banderas is joining Channing Tatum, Gina Carano, Ewan MacGregor, Michael Douglas, and Michael Fassbender in Steven Soderbergh's Knockout, a film that sounds like "Alias." On the one hand, the cast is suspiciously interesting. On the other, it kind of sounds like the cast to Vantage Point. I do think that if you can trade a Quaid for a Paxton, it's a good swap (like trading a Kutcher for a Gosling). Plus the script is by Lem Dobbs, who wrote The Limey, which is a great movie nobody saw. I'm cautiously optimistic about this one, but it will probably dovetail into out-and-out nausea when Carano, the former American Gladiator, opens her pie hole in the trailer. Oooh, maybe the script makes her mute?! If not, I suggest a late-hour rewrite, because if everyone else talked and she just kicked people in the dome, I'd be totally pumped. Also, Antonio Banderas needs this to reignite his career so he can get out of the house. Seriously, have you SEEN Melanie Griffith lately? Woah.

5.) Trailers, Parked - Not a big week for trailers...again. So I had to dive deep into my bag of weird shit to find anything fun. What do I have for you? Well, first up is Mother, a Korean film by the director of The Host, which was really quite good. This one does not feature a tentacled beast, or at least I don't think so...



Repo Chick is a spiritual sequel to Repo Man, which starred Emilio Estevez, whose name I don't think I've ever mentioned in this blog (huzzah for a new mention!). This looks like it was made for a buck fifty, reminds me of Tank Girl (which I liked), and seems to be a giant acid trip filmed in front of a green screen. I may see it just to get a legal high.



Cyrus features John C Reilly, Jonah Hill, and the still EXCRUCIATINGLY hot Marissa Tomei (eat it, Demi, she's all natural). I love so much about this trailer, from Reilly's brutal honesty "I'm like Shrek" to Hill's apparent psychosis. PS - I love living in a world where Jonah Hill gets to be famous. That rules.






Okay, that's it. Really epic junk this week, I know. Pass it on to your friends, I'm sure your friends would also like my junk.

Suddenly, the phrase "Joe Jonas is Hamlet" is now possible

I can't tell you how many times I've found myself saying, "Shakespeare would really resonate with kids if they could just see it in a movie theater in 3D with musical numbers, you know, like a combination of High School Musical and Harry Potter!" Okay, I'll tell you, that number of times is zero. So, it is a bard-induced bummer that Variety is reporting that "Mark Thomas of Elsinore Films is producing a 3-D musical Hamlet targeting the Harry Potter and High School Musical market." Don't worry, they'll also be doing Macbeth, Romeo and Juliet, A Midsummer Night's Dream, Twelfth Night, and The Tempest, which will likely feature Miley Cyrus grinding on a stripper's pole about how the storm is making her all wet (she asked for that, little horse-toothed hussy). I'm not saying I don't want to expose the kids to Shakespeare (I don't want to expose them to Miley "here's my yum yums at SIXTEEN" Cyrus, that's for sure). That said...we're not exposing them to Shakespeare, we exposing them to a fairly clever but still decidedly NOT Shakespearean adaptation of Shakespeare. The point is the language and the time period. Yes, it is entertaining to stage "Macbeth" in the old west or something, but that's for people who are already familiar with Shakespeare. Look, it's like saying you don't like beer but you like Mike's Hard Lemonade. That's not beer. Sure, it comes in a beer bottle and it contains alcohol, but it ISN'T BEER. It's fine that you don't like beer, but don't put a bunch of sugar in a bottle and then ask for THAT when I ask if you want a beer! Now, I'm thirsty. I don't give two shits if there's singing-and-dancing in three dimensions if it gets kids interested, but it won't. It isn't the means to an end, it's the end to an end, as they're not going to chase down the original "Othello" after they see Hillary Duff or whoever singing "To be or not to be...hot!" That's my grumpy rant of the day. BAH HUMBUG!

It's my blog-a-versary, what'd you get me?

Some 365 days ago, in the spot upon which your gaze is fixed right now, I began what some would call a fool's errand: I attempted to use "the Internet" to log my thoughts on "the web," a little practice I decided to call "logwebbing" (somehow the name didn't catch on). Fast forward a year, and I still haven't managed to get The Reader's Web site upgraded (for those keep track at home, we're entering year 5 of my pleading for change from the current Commodore 64-era style), I've made enemies of public radio (see below), I've come up with 25 things to do besides watch Twilight or a new Miley Cyrus movie (also available by scrolling down), and I've put Nic Cage to better use than anyone besides his wife (yeah, you know what's lurking below this paragraph).

Over this year, I've tried to pick up some good habits, lose some bad ones, make movie rumors entertaining, and generally do my best to keep things interesting around these parts. Really, the only thing I regret is that there hasn't been enough discussion on these here posts. I don't know if that's because the janky format I'm locked into is so unweildy that you can't figure out how, if you don't care to do so because I'm more boring than watching a three-hour documentary on the origin of pancake batter, or if you just generally don't care to comment. Still, I would love to know what you would love to see. I'm a pleaser, honest I am, and I would like nothing more than to please you (wow that sounds dirty, I mean, I was shooting for dirty, but still). So, in addition to whatever present you'd like to send me (email me at film@thereader.com for information about where to send the presents...note that the word there is plural), please drop a note or send an email to that address and let me know what you want from me (after you send me a present).

And now, to further celebrate, I humbly present five of my kind-of-favorite things from the last year of Cutting Room (or at least the ones I could remember).

1.) Someone at PRI knows who I am (April, 2009)

Please, Ira Glass, love me as I love you

So, the other night I'm watching "The Colbert Report," and Ira Glass is on, being his usual charming, nebbish self. As planned, he and Colbert proceed to have a discussion (one that produced a great quip from Colbert about how doing a live version of a radio show is "like entering a novel in a baking contest" and a joke about how strapping Garrison Keillor looks...which, come on, we've ALL thought before). After a bit, they began specifically conversing about how "This American Life" is NOT an NPR show but is produced and distributed by Public Radio International. Colbert specifically makes fun of NPR stating "You don't want to be one of those NPR people." In that moment, I realize that despite being listed as one of the programs on the NPR Web site and being heard almost exclusively on NPR channels, "This American Life" is NOT an NPR show. Why does this nuance matter? Because in my review of Examined Life, I refer to "NPR's 'This American Life.'" Oh well, I figure, who's going to notice or care. It's not like I'm going to get a call from an angry Ira Glass (can Ira Glass get angry...if he does get angry, does it sound like other people when they are happy?) and have him ream me for this. Fast forward one whole day from the article's posting on the Internet...and lo and behold, we're contacted by a PRI media watcher who informs us of our gaffe. Now, on the one hand, I feel bad, because Glass seems to imply some kind of NPR vs PRI feud during his interview (two well-educated, socially aware, liberal-leaning organizations enter ONE SHALL LEAVE). On the other, the people from PRI read something I wrote and made a comment on it. Given how much I love "This American Life" and all of the people on it (Dan Savage and Sarah Vowell are idols in my shrines), and other shows from PRI ("Studio 360" and "Whadya Know" in particular), I don't know whether to count this as a loss for having slightly misattributed something or a win because they somewhat in some way know who I am. Either way, it's something to talk about...and on a Friday, I'll take it. So, officially, mea culpa, it is PRI's "This American Life" and I shant forget again.

2.) Airing of Festivus Grievances (December 2008)

Because the number of interesting film tidbits and items are just as slowed by the mind-numbing frigidity of the weather as my will to live, we're going to do things differently today. Instead of dumping movie news chunks on your eyeballs (that sounded way more disgusting than I wanted it to), we're going to editorialize a bit about three irritating subjects. It's the three bitches of Christmas or, to be less religiously divisive, The Festivus "Airing of Grievances."

Grievance One: Sit the Eff Down

Ladies and gentleman, we are gathered here today not to bitch about cell phone use in the theater (if you do this, you are a malignant douche hammer who believes himself to be beyond such concerns as "other people" and the universe will soon dispose of you as one disposes of single use toilet paper). We are not gathered here to bitch about bringing kids too young to sit through a 3-hour violent war opus or sex-soiled horror film (these people will also one day succumb to the universe's TP disposal methods). No, we are here to bitch about the late arrivers, those who think they can still go see the movie they've arrived 20 minutes late for anyway. Now, the fact that you have no disregard whatsoever for your own money is fine by me...although, do consider that missing 20 minutes of a 2-hour movie is basically the equivalent of pouring the neck of the bottle of Canadian Springs whiskey you spent the last few hours drinking onto the street. No, what I'm worried about is the chain of events that your clock-ignoring ass sets into motion. Step 1: You disrupt the entire theater as you either look for your friends who you are meeting (who should not be your friends because they are decent, punctual human beings) or you fumble around letting your eyes adjust while you hunt for the perfect seat in a theater that has been watching a movie for the last 20 minutes. Step 2: This disruption causes annoyance in other theater members (cough, ME, cough), resulting in a distraction from the plot, events, and mood. If we WERE into the movie's world, we are now reminded that we are actually just in a small box with disrespectful subhuman pigmen. Step 3: YOU have missed the opening of the film. Now, whenever a character arrives on screen to do something, you must lean over and go "Who's she?" and "What is she doing?" Step 4: You are bludgeoned to death with a $16 box of Milk Duds. Look, I get running late, but if you miss by more than the length of the previews (give or take a minute), you are too late and should go to another movie or wait for the next show. Period. No exceptions. In fact, this should be a rule for the theater...NAY, it should be a federal mandate that also grants pardon for the inevitable Milk Dud bludgeoning. You've been warned.

Grievance Two: Don't make me hate trailers like God hates trailer parks

We all know that one of the best things about the movies is seeing previews. I mean, sure, we all know that the new Adam Sandler movie is going to suck, but the trailer is good for a laugh. What's that? You have a cool new, end-of-the-world, special effects orgy movie?! After seeing the trailer once, I've already seen you blow your visual wad, so who needs to see the full thing, which is likely crammed with terrible acting by CW stars. Murder mystery? I bet I can figure out the whole thing by the time you're done playing that Dave Matthews Band song! That said, an interesting thing has happened with previews...we're getting more of them...a lot more of them. Last weekend I sat through 9, count them, 9 previews. I wanted to see 8 of those movies, sure, but after the third I was like "just show me the damn Keanu Reeves movie already" and I have never, ever thought that before. Also, I know I've complained before about giving stuff away in the preview, but nobody's going to change that, but can we talk about shortening the length of those bad boys? I mean, a 90-second spot is all it takes to sell me a Lexus or other fine luxury automobile (at least according to the people who thing that wealthy individuals are watching the Bears game and not schtupping some model), isn't 90 seconds all it should take to convince me that, yes, I do want to see Hugh Jackman as Wolverine disemboweling people again? Too much of a good thing is a bad thing sometimes, just ask Hugh Hefner. I love me some trailers, but only for a few minutes. Sounds reasonable, right?

Grievance three: The only thing longer than the movie was your description of how long the movie was

I've said it before and I'll say it again: no, movies shouldn't be 3 hours long unless they are adapting a 10,000 word book or unless 99% of that runtime features a mostly nekkid Rachel McAdams. Still, you don't have to bitch EVERY time about how long the movie is. Here's the thing, they've invented a device called the "Internet." On it, you can see the running time for the movie you are considering watching and then complaining about. What I'm saying is, this should not come as a surprise to you. Thus, when I ask you afterward what you thought, do not say to me "Well, it was long." Really? Really, time master, you think? Yes it was long, but was it good? If you say "it didn't sustain its run time," I at least find you a competent being but "it was long" is not a commentary its a statement of fact. If you're one of those people with the attention span of a fruit fly who can't finish the latest Dean Koontz book because its "too long," maybe you shouldn't be seeing movies that have a run time higher than your IQ. Find something new to complain about! Whine about lighting, or makeup, or dialogue, or plot, or the guy next to you who showed up 20 minutes into the movie, or about how long/plentiful the trailers were. Slip the whining about the length into the middle and we may even stay friends afterwards. You never know!

Well folks, that's my Festivus grievances. If you have your own, I encourage you to leave them. It's very therapeutic.

3.) I hate Twilight soooooo much (November 2008)

And now (just because): 25 Things I'd Rather Do Than See Twilight

1.) Wash my car, not just using a rag and soapy water in 30-degree weather, but with my tongue while wearing only circa-1986 "I heard it through the grapevine" California Raisins underoos.

2.) Watch an all day marathon of "Hannah Montana" without the benefits of hallucinogens or blindness.

3.) Discuss politics with family members, some of whom are among the 13% who think Bush is doing a "totally awesome job."

4.) Make out with Kevin Costner.

5.) Tell people I've made out with Kevin Costner.

6.) Eat clam chowder from the new restaurant "Floyd's Year-Old Milk Product Cafe."

7.) Be forced to make small talk with Ryan Seacrest (sample conversation: "So, hair products then?")

8.) Write an episode of "Two and a Half Men."

9.) Watch an episode of "Two and a Half Men."

10.) Learn to lambada ("the forbidden dance") with a first-degree relative.

11.) Listen to a whole Jessica Simpson song.

12.) Re-categorize my CD collection according to the colors on the album cover.

13.) Publicly defend NASCAR.

14.) Invent a new language consisting only of variations in the tone of armpit farts.

15.) Set foot in a Hot Topic.

16.) Balance the federal budget while Gilbert Gottfried and Carrot Top stand on either side of me telling "jokes."

17.) Watch an all-day marathon of "Sex and the City" with the friends of the people who claim to have friends "just like that."

18.) Transcribe the Koran into Klingon.

19.) Ask Tom Cruise to "convince me that Scientology rules."

20.) Have a conversation lasting more than 20 seconds with any contestant on the following: "The Bachelor," "The Bachelorette," "Rock of Love," "Bang Tila Tequila," "Real Chance at Love," "Charm School," "Flavor of Love," "I Love New York," and "Wipeout."

21.) Explain basic algebra to any Lohan.

22.) Reprogram my car radio to only receive "Hannity" and "Limbaugh."

23.) Get a tattoo of Brett Favre.

24.) Gamble my life savings on a game of Euchre.

25.) Actually read one of the God-forsaken, amateurish books that Twilight was based on and explain to the legion of she-fans why this writing is, in fact, wretched.

4.) I hate Miley Cyrus almost as much as I hate Twilight (July 2009)

25 THINGS I WOULD RATHER DO THAN SEE THE NEXT MILEY CYRUS MOVIE

1. Three words: Wayans. Brothers. Marathon.
2. Write a novel based on each and every Taylor Swift song.
3. Thoroughly test the FDA's expiration date practices on cheese and cheese-related products.
4. Watch Hilary Duff do something other than release her death rattle.
5. Invent hairstyles for back hair (first up: the hind-quarter mullet).
6. Invest my life savings in a line of "According to Jim" merchandise.
7. Become Patient Zero in the upcoming "Hippopotamus Flu" epidemic.
8. Move to Wasilla, Alaska.
9. Invite a few Exes over for "hey, what the hell IS wrong with me?" night.
10. Disprove the theory that I wouldn't last long in a maximum security prison.
11. Family reunion? I'll take three please.
12. Finally meet Bono, only to say "I preferred you better with Cher."
13. Create a new Wii game based on vomit simulation.
14. Go on a three-day C-Span bender without the benefit of hallucinogens.
15. Violently defend with flailing hand gestures and obscenities the position that "Paul Blart is to the modern comedy what Monet was to impressionism."
16. Who's gonna eat that? I'M gonna eat that.
17. Give nothing but old TV guides to people for Christmas.
18. Write strongly worded emails to news media outlets inquiring why they're just sweeping this whole Michael Jackson thing under the rug.
19. Convince Brett Farve he SHOULD play again.
20. Toilet paper? Who needs toilet paper.
21. Tempt the hedge clippers by landscaping nude.
22. Yes, honey, we SHOULD buy three cats.
23. Have a conversation with Michael Bay that doesn't involve making explosion noises with our mouths.
24. Set foot in Texas for reasons other than a second ice age.
25. Turn this blog into a Scientology-based forum titled "The Beasts at the Heart of Space...and So Can YOU!"
    

5.) The best clip on the Internet (September 2008)



Happy b-day bloggites. Hit me up (film@thereader.com), I'll be ready for my presents any time now.

25 Things I'd Rather Do Than Watch a New Miley Cyrus Movie

The first blog I did that ever got any traction (by the way, my blog-a-versary is coming up rapidly on July 23rd...you really should get me something) was one wherein I discussed 25 things I'd rather do than watch Twilight (you can find it here, about halfway down the page). Personally, I felt like I limited myself to that number, as the sheer scope of things I'd rather do is just about infinite. Several people told me they read it and laughed (okay, it was one person, but it made me feel like an effin' celebrity), so I figured I would try it again sometime. Today I came across news in Variety that told me Disney is taking the young adult novel "Wings" and making a Miley Cyrus movie out of it. I have nothing against "Wings" (especially the television show...oh, Tony Shaloub, how you've been our funny-talking jester for decades now...oh, weird-looking-girl who played Helen, how's Denny's?), but I do have something against Miley "Horse-tooth" Cyrus, a girl who has behaved like a petulant child and been grossly rewarded for it despite having no discernible talent in any way, shape, and/or form. Add to this the fact that it is being produced by Temple Hill, who also had a hand in Twilight, combine that with a plot about a girl who sprouts wings and learns she's a fairy, multiply that by the fact that Cyrus is currently filming a Nicholas Sparks movie, and you have the formula for uncontrolled rage. Ladies and gentlemen, I give unto you:

25 THINGS I WOULD RATHER DO THAN SEE THE NEXT MILEY CYRUS MOVIE

1. Three words: Wayans. Brothers. Marathon.
2. Write a novel based on each and every Taylor Swift song.
3. Thoroughly test the FDA's expiration date practices on cheese and cheese-related products.
4. Watch Hilary Duff do something other than release her death rattle.
5. Invent hairstyles for back hair (first up: the hind-quarter mullet).
6. Invest my life savings in a line of "According to Jim" merchandise.
7. Become Patient Zero in the upcoming "Hippopotamus Flu" epidemic.
8. Move to Wasilla, Alaska.
9. Invite a few Exes over for "hey, what the hell IS wrong with me?" night.
10. Disprove the theory that I wouldn't last long in a maximum security prison.
11. Family reunion? I'll take three please.
12. Finally meet Bono, only to say "I preferred you better with Cher."
13. Create a new Wii game based on vomit simulation.
14. Go on a three-day C-Span bender without the benefit of hallucinogens.
15. Violently defend with flailing hand gestures and obscenities the position that "Paul Blart is to the modern comedy what Monet was to impressionism."
16. Who's gonna eat that? I'M gonna eat that.
17. Give nothing but old TV guides to people for Christmas.
18. Write strongly worded emails to news media outlets inquiring why they're just sweeping this whole Michael Jackson thing under the rug.
19. Convince Brett Farve he SHOULD play again.
20. Toilet paper? Who needs toilet paper.
21. Tempt the hedge clippers by landscaping nude.
22. Yes, honey, we SHOULD buy three cats.
23. Have a conversation with Michael Bay that doesn't involve making explosion noises with our mouths.
24. Set foot in Texas for reasons other than a second ice age.
25. Turn this blog into a Scientology-based forum titled "The Beasts at the Heart of Space...and So Can YOU!"