Attack of the sequels

Today brings us three sequel news items, two of which involve third sequels. Everybody loves sequels, right? Who doesn't have fond memories of sitting around with the family to watch Big Momma's House 2 or Critters 4? Why, it seems like just yesterday that Scary Movie 4 was playing whilst Granny and Grandpa shared some of their last memories together. Any sequel is a good sequel, right? Especially when they feature Big Willie (and for once I'm not using Big Willie to refer to Nic Cage's hairpiece).

Here's the sequeltastic info:

1.) Men in Black III - Director Barry Sonnenfeld, who redeemed himself with the beautiful "Pushing Daisies," swears to whatever golden calf Hollywood directors pray to that both Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith are back for MIBIII. Thank God. I mean, without Tommy Lee Jones, this thing would have zero chance at the box office. Am I right? No word on plot or an official timetable, but you can sleep a little easier knowing that Smith will be back punching aliens and saying one liners. As I've mentioned before, there is a way to do this film that would be good. They just won't choose that route. Instead, they'll probably hire the guy who wrote Night at the Museum 2...another incredibly important sequel.

2.) Bad Boys III - Martin Lawrence is claiming that the Fresh Prince shall returneth to Bad Boys. This is obviously a little more difficult to swallow, as Martin Lawrence is both totally crazy and mostly washed up. Far from the heyday in which he was in demand by himself, Lawrence is now only as popular as the ensemble he hitches his star to. Remember Wild Hogs? EHHHHHHH!! Trick question! If you answered yes to that, go kill yourself. Nobody should see Wild Hogs, and those that do should bleach their brains of it. If you remember Wild Hogs, you're only going to do something that we'll all regret. Anyway, there's no timetable on this one either, and it comes from crazypants. I just thought I'd mention it.

3.) Avatar 2 - I could care less if we ever "return to Pandora" as the incessant commercials for the release of Avatar's DVD suggest. Once was enough, thanks. Now comes word that James Cameron has revealed where most of the next movie would take place (provided he doesn't lose focus and take another 12 years to make a movie): the oceans of Pandora. Combining Cameron's love of aliens and water, a crossover he mined well with The Abyss, we're going to descend into the totally unique oceans on Pandora to...do something. Who cares! We'll figure out the reason and plot later. Just know that "oooooh, pretty fishie things" are coming!!! Whatever.

Do the white thing?

Thanks to my pal Andrew Merczak for finding this one for me...in fact, let's just use his own words to describe what you're about to see:

"Holy, holy. Consider this scenario, a remake of an American director’s 2 year old British comedy, now populated by mostly African American cast, directed by one of the whitest directors working. LaBute is/was Mormon and I can think of exactly 2 black characters in all his movies (Freeman in Nurse Betty, Jackson in Lakeview Terrace). I don’t know how to tactfully communicate that to the blog-world but this is weird—like Woody Allen’s Raisin in the Sun weird."

Wow. Well, buddy, for starters I guess the best way to communicate to the blog world this weirdness is to say it pretty much like you just did. Oh, and for the record, weird does not mean bad. Cross-cultural collaboration in a cinematic fashion is actually quite awesome in my book, so long as it rings truthful. The thought of a white director helming an almost entirely black project can either be thought of as somewhat off-kilter and possibly reinforcing the age-old social stereotypes (white guy in charge of black people working for him), or could be seen as a biracial attempt to collaborate, which is how I'd see this if it didn't happen to have Martin Lawrence in it. He sets everything back at least 20 years. For the record, I am fascinated by this project. To be honest, I hope it works, because I'd like to see more directors and studios willing to make projects featuring largely black casts that aren't necessarily "black" films. I'm all about racial harmony through mainstream movie making...again, provided they don't all feature Martin Lawrence. Without further ado, here's the trailer:

Aside from a few groaner lines, I really laughed at loud at "let's just burn him and get it over with." Yes, it looks a little broad-based and yes, there seems to be a touch of homophobia at the end, when Rock seems to suggest that it's not rational to be racist when you can be homophobic, but I'm hoping that's out of context. I'm intrigued, which is more than this project ought to warrant from me.

I know what I'm gonna do: Barf!

If I'm being honest, which I almost never am, I kind of like both Bad Boys movies. In the first one, Will Smith wasn't quite Big Willie yet, and Martin Lawrence was just untalented, not untalented and fat. It was stupid, fun, and made Tea Leoni look hotter than lava-flavored hot tamales (yeah, TEA LEONI). Then, some time later, came Bad Boys II, which is basically Michael Bay's Sistine Chapel. They invade Cuba in the end. Seriously, you read that right, they INVADE CUBA. Somehow two cops end up driving effin' tanks and whatnot in Cuba. That's just...I mean, you have to admit that's totally rad. Oh, don't get me wrong, it had all the sophisticated intellect of a frat boy discussion on how to get less foam from the keg, but it was still awesome. Thus, The Hollywood Reporter's breaking news that Columbia has hired a writer to start working on a third film leaves me feeling, Lord, I don't know. Yes, they are hoping to get Smith, Lawrence, and the perpetrator of Transformers 2: Rise of the Steppin' Fetchit-bots to come back, but Smith is now WILL SMITH, Lawrence weighs 735 pounds and is I believe 65 years old, and Michael Bay now commands a directorial salary of 3 billion dollars along with 2 blonde virgins and an unnamed foreign country. Obviously, without them this means nothing, but with them it could be a bookend to the dumbest enjoyable action trilogy that's ever existed. Besides, Lawrence needs the work (physically for his impending diabetes and heart trouble and financially if he wants to keep the house that "Damn, Gina" built). My only request: they have to up the ante on the ridiculous racial stereotyping in this one. I mean, Bay HAS to challenge himself somehow.