Ryan's Junk Drawer

With great junk, comes great responsibility - "Better Off Ted"

I kind of hate this week. It's been all full of weirdness and weak. It's a weak, weird week. Look at what it's done to me! I'm jibbering and jabbering and I don't even know what I'm talking about. It's time to get myself together, if for no other reason than this is the day I expose my junk to you. It may be someone's first time seeing my junk this week, and I want to make a good first impression. Because once someone has an impression about your junk, they will tell EVERYBODY that impression. "Oh, his junk is lame." I don't want that. I can't have people out there saying "Have you seen Ryan's Junk? I have, and it is not good." I want people to say how magnificent it was, how you were surprised at all it contained!

Obviously, I'm talking about my figurative junk...as in the movie news that I deem too small to warrant a full blog post. I realize that it sounded like I was talking about something else, but this is a PG-13 rated site at best. Okay, sometimes I dabble my toes in the R-rated waters...but it always feels like someone peed in that side of the pool. Anyway, as you know, we begin every weekly edition of my Junk Drawer column by looking at the creepy-ass image above from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN and picking an item I write a goofy story about.

Today's item is the green and red tube in the lower right corner. Knowing full well the cycle of fads, what with the resurgence of skinny jeans and such, Karen knew that if she prepared herself, she could be ahead of the game. Armed with a bedazzler, limited sewing ability, and a passion for ridiculous accessories, she began amassing a staggering number of glittery, fuzzy leg warmers. She couldn't for the life of her figure out why people had stopped wearing them in the first place, what with how your shins felt like you were wearing pants even though you weren't and the awesome, raw, potent sexuality they unleashed. She knew it was only a matter of time before the populous awoke and realized that the only thing that would spell their thirst for sweater sleeves you wear on your legs were legwarmers! And she would be ready. Oh yes. She would be ready.

Okay, enough Tomfoolery and shenanigans. Let's get physical! Here's the Junk Drawer items for this week.

1.) Everything goes exactly as expected. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz - These bits of news were splashed across everyone else's Web site yesterday. But I stand from the pack. I mean, do you see other sites out there spending a good portion of time inventing stories about leg warmers and writing suggestive introductions about their junk? I didn't think so. Look, I didn't report on these things in depth because I find both of them as shocking as when CNN pundits press a button that turns Kentucky red on an electoral map. Here we go. Peter Jackson will, in fact, shoot The Hobbit in New Zealand despite all sorts of previous problems with labor unions (sorry, this is about New Zealand, so I think I have to use the foreign labour spelling, because nothing says "we ain't in America" like an unneeded U). Yippee! Look, it's good news because the films will look the same and it should be filmed there, just for consistency, but honestly did anyone think they wouldn't be? Put your hand down Guy Who Falls For Got Your Nose.

The other boring news is that James Cameron will be doing Avatar 2 and 3 next.
First off, this is so stupid that he should be forced to have the guy on the right in this picture follow him around during the entire production of these films. "I LOVE THE NAVI SO MUCH I JUST WANT TO BE ONE! Also, I really want Dave Matthews to get back to his roots, you know." Seriously, take off the face paint and that guy looks like the date rapist in a "Law and Order: SVU" episode. Anyway, I don't care to see sequels to these films, and just because he said these are his next movies that doesn't mean anything. Given his track record with his "next" project, we could be waiting until 2024. And by waiting, I mean not caring.

2.) Double-decker Cruise news - Maybe that should read "upper decker" Cruise news because both ideas are kind of stinky. Cristopher McQuarrie, who shall be forever loved in my book because he wrote The Usual Suspects, says that Maverick is the lead in Top Gun 2. That's in direct opposition to rumors that Tom Cruise would only cameo in the film. Is he willing to do a full-on sequel? I mean, I guess so. It's not like he's too big to ignore the possibility now. I can't wait to return to the character of Maverick, who has such a rich tapestry of emotions to demonstrate...like boning hot chicks and being angry. I hope the villain is somehow Meg Ryan. That would be awesome. Oh, and in the second half of this news, Cruise was offered a role in the big screen Rock of Ages, which I'm told is a musical about rock music but sounds like it would give me ear herpes.

Tommy loved that joke. Anyway, I don't know if he can sing (no, no he can't), I don't know if he can dance (no, no he can't), but he may take this because he apparently really wants to sing and dance. Look for his wife to be given some role in it as well, which is great news because she needs to come up for air soon or she'll die.

3.) I want Harley Quinn. My ideas are the best. - You have no idea how much I want to be right about the upcoming plot for The Dark Knight Rises. I know I'm probably not, but hear me out. We know that Chris Nolan is meeting with young actresses. The assumption is Catwoman or a new love interest. The process is so secretive that not even the people auditioning know what they're auditioning for. I so badly want it to be Harley Quinn. Let me tell you how this would work and why it would be awesome.

How it would work: We know that Nolan has said his plan was to have the Joker return in the next film before Heath Ledger died. We know that he won't replace the role. We also know that, within the film, the Joker was HOPING that Batman would kill him at the end. That was part of his end game, trying to make Batman lower himself. I like the idea that there may have been a plot past that. As in, the Joker either had a contingency plan for if Batman only captured him or a next step if Batman killed him. Either way, he's out of the picture, which would mean that he couldn't be the guy doing stuff. So why not have it set up for someone else to take over the Joker's plan. It's reasonable and consistent with the character as presented to believe that he would have seen this coming. Don't make this a revenge movie where his girlfriend takes up his mantle, make this a logical extension of the last film.
Okay, why it's awesome. Because it keeps things consistent, because it lets you play with the themes you wanted to play with, because its unexpected!!! But beyond that, two more good reasons. 1 - It would automatically represent a great female character for Nolan, who has been accused of not having too many of those. 2 - It would avoid the cliches of every other major villain you could think of. I love this idea. I hope that this is actually what's happening even though I'm sure it's not. Nolan, it isn't too late! Make this happen!

4.) Zach Galifianakis gets my dream job - He's going to play with Muppets. We don't know the role, some have speculated he'll just be a voice. We don't know how big that role will be, but he's only going to be involved for a few days of shooting according to rumors. All I know is that his sense of humor is so completely perfect for the off-kilter universe of Muppets that it makes my heart almost as happy as this:

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis: Sean Penn from Between Two Ferns

If this was a daily segment it would be the best part of every day. Anyway, Zacky-G is going to chill with the fuzzy folks. All is right with the world.

5.) Trailers, Parked - Two weird ones for you this week. First up is Rare Exports, a movie that involves a creepy take on Santa. It isn't your goofy slasher Santa movie, but a dark comedic/serious take on the origins of the child judger. Lord does this intrigue me.


Brother's Justice is another mockumentary, and I'm pretty much over them. It looks kind of funny, and I like the folks involved, I just can't really get all that jazzed over anything that looks like this anymore. Oh, I'll probably see it, but I ain't all tingly about it.


Okay, that's it gang. Hopefully a weird week means a great weekend, so let's hook up tomorrow to talk weekend plans. Have a great Thursday.

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Nobody remembers True Lies correctly

True Lies mostly sucked. If you were attracted to Jamie Lee Curtis and her oddly composed face and penchant for yogurt that makes you poop better, you likely enjoyed the HOUR-LONG subplot about whether she was thinking of boning a car salesman. If you were a normal person with a healthy digestive tract and a discerning facial palate, you were bored beyond belief. I know that James Cameron believes himself to be King Midas, and while we're in the midst of his resurrection that comes once every decade plus we hear about EVERY SINGLE ONE of his bazillion projects that never happen. I've heard about Avatar sequels, Battle Angel Alita, 3 different documentaries about everything from musicians to Titanic stuff, Titanic 3D, and now a "True Lies" revisiting. This from a man who has made exactly one movie since 1998.
Seeing as how the lead players in the original film now have careers that involve helping people poop and feeding it to them at press conferences, a direct sequel is impractical if not impossible. This is why it's being discussed as a TV show, you know, because nobody has ever done the "I'm married to a spy" or "two spies being married to one another" stuff. It's not like there's a show from JJ Abrams with that EXACT premise hitting the air next week. I'm lying in no way when I say I would be more excited by rumors of a sequel to The Abyss. Thankfully, this will likely be retired into whatever giant graveyard it is that they keep all of James Cameron's dead projects in.

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New candidate for Mayan apocalypse world ender

Hope y'all had a wonderful and relaxing fourth of July. I know I did, despite serving as an all-you-can devour human buffet for asshole mosquito. Those stupid bastards remind me of Twilight fans. Oh, not because they are basically vampires, but rather because they are incredibly annoying, seemingly everywhere, and only stop irritating me when I slap them. Speaking of things that annoy me beyond what is reasonable, James Cameron is making news again. That threat he's made for a little while now, the one where he drags the carcass of Leonardo DiCaprio on screen again. He's going to release Titanic 3D in April of 2012, provided the dark Mayan God does not incinerate us all before that point. I don't know when the 3D blitz will stop, especially when it is artificially propped up like this. What do I mean? Well, let's face it, the schmucks schlepping to Titanic 3D are the same ones who would have turned up to see Titanic in regular, boring-old 2D. In all the years since the film came out, nobody has once said "I'll tell you what, I'd sure like to see that one again, provided it was darker and the backgrounds were blurry." Other than glimpsing Kate Winslet's bare bosom in as close to real dimensional space as possible, there are zero reasons to do this. It will also make $100 million (I'm serious with that prediction) and convince every movie studio to rerelease everything that ever made money. So there you have it, today's order of hate goes (1) Mosquitoes, (2) Twilight, and (3) James Cameron.

Attack of the sequels

Today brings us three sequel news items, two of which involve third sequels. Everybody loves sequels, right? Who doesn't have fond memories of sitting around with the family to watch Big Momma's House 2 or Critters 4? Why, it seems like just yesterday that Scary Movie 4 was playing whilst Granny and Grandpa shared some of their last memories together. Any sequel is a good sequel, right? Especially when they feature Big Willie (and for once I'm not using Big Willie to refer to Nic Cage's hairpiece).

Here's the sequeltastic info:

1.) Men in Black III - Director Barry Sonnenfeld, who redeemed himself with the beautiful "Pushing Daisies," swears to whatever golden calf Hollywood directors pray to that both Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith are back for MIBIII. Thank God. I mean, without Tommy Lee Jones, this thing would have zero chance at the box office. Am I right? No word on plot or an official timetable, but you can sleep a little easier knowing that Smith will be back punching aliens and saying one liners. As I've mentioned before, there is a way to do this film that would be good. They just won't choose that route. Instead, they'll probably hire the guy who wrote Night at the Museum 2...another incredibly important sequel.

2.) Bad Boys III - Martin Lawrence is claiming that the Fresh Prince shall returneth to Bad Boys. This is obviously a little more difficult to swallow, as Martin Lawrence is both totally crazy and mostly washed up. Far from the heyday in which he was in demand by himself, Lawrence is now only as popular as the ensemble he hitches his star to. Remember Wild Hogs? EHHHHHHH!! Trick question! If you answered yes to that, go kill yourself. Nobody should see Wild Hogs, and those that do should bleach their brains of it. If you remember Wild Hogs, you're only going to do something that we'll all regret. Anyway, there's no timetable on this one either, and it comes from crazypants. I just thought I'd mention it.

3.) Avatar 2 - I could care less if we ever "return to Pandora" as the incessant commercials for the release of Avatar's DVD suggest. Once was enough, thanks. Now comes word that James Cameron has revealed where most of the next movie would take place (provided he doesn't lose focus and take another 12 years to make a movie): the oceans of Pandora. Combining Cameron's love of aliens and water, a crossover he mined well with The Abyss, we're going to descend into the totally unique oceans on Pandora to...do something. Who cares! We'll figure out the reason and plot later. Just know that "oooooh, pretty fishie things" are coming!!! Whatever.

If only Clarence looked like this

One of my dear friends and wife of my other dear friend has a super-crazy lust for "Battle Angel Alita," which is a Japanese manga about a pretty little cyborg who loses her memory and shoots people in the face to get it back. She looks like this.

For ages now, James Cameron has been attached to direct the angelic ass-kicker but when he spoke to MTV he made it sound like the project could be happening soon. He cited his technological advances for Avatar as a catalyst for being able to do this, but last time I checked they used CGI makeup in The Mummy Returns. Seriously. Oh, and when he says "soon," we must all realize that "soon" in Cameron-speak is something like 72 years. The man can't do anything without hype, time, and fanfare. His bowel movements take 6 hours and are accompanied by a British symphony and a positive review from Peter Travers from "Rolling Stone." Still, this is one of those films that could look suh-weet in live-action, and the one thing Cameron does best (in my opinion) is craft strong female protagonists. So, let's get on this one, Cameron. You're going to die before your next project if you don't move faster.

Avatar-ded: The Epilogue

Having now had a few days to let the turd that was the Avatar trailer waft through our senses, we can begin to examine the fallout of what may be the most expensive deuce ever dropped. Friday was "Avatar Day," when footage from the movie was shown in 3D IMAX theaters to the delight of...dozens? It marked the beginning of the full-on assault for marketing, and it looks like the pencil-necked geeks in Fox's PR department aren't going to be sleeping until post-Christmas. (Also, F*cks Studio may be chowing down on delicious, hot, salty karma at this point.) There are really four parts to this current Avatar clusterfrak, so let's break them down all professional-like:

1.) Teasers never win - The reaction to the trailer has been called "mixed" by people who want to believe that because they liked it there was a strong wave of positive support out there. Unfortunately, unlike when a really fat guy bellyflops, a few vocal chubby bunnies can't make a tidal wave of positive hype. Even among people who were supportive, there was criticism. Nobody, not one person of reason, seemed to enjoy each and every frame...of the TEASER TRAILER. This is problematic primarily because you can cut a sick-ass sweet trailer for Bewitched if you want to. Ideally, people RAVE about the teaser trailer, it leaves them hungry for more. Think about the number of movies that rope-a-doped you with a super-cool trailer...and this $300 million production decides to run out a teaser using the generic Papyrus font and call it a day? The results were not mixed, they were not "all over the board," they were disappointing...they were frightening. You shouldn't be able to lose with a teaser trailer, so if there's a large group of negative buzz, you've lost. Period.

2.) Redemption, IMAX be not your name - Then came Avatar day...which we should have all been suspicious of. First, F*cks Studios don't properly support the online sites giving away free tickets to the free screening of 16 minutes of 3D IMAX footage (rumor has it that it was intentional, a ploy to get them more press...ugh). Then the trailer, which had a long-running countdown to its premiere, didn't work right on Apple's site. Then came Friday, the actual day when Cameron's footage was seen "as it was intended." The best report came from Chud.com, who made note of the following tweets from reliable people:

• In Atlanta former CHUD writer Russ Fischer says: Avatar maybe 1/2 full.
• Aint It Cool's Quint chimes in: Wow, the Avatar theater in San Antonio is only a quarter full. Yikes...
• JackGi on Twitter writes: I'm in MD and it was about half full, but the response from the crowd was pretty optimistic.
• Florida's DrumDog2112 tells me: I went to the AVATAR preview. There were maybe 50 people in the theater.

That is not a good sign. Either F*cks screwed the pooch and didn't get the tickets correctly out to enough people, people were unwilling to go to a theater for 16 minutes of footage, or (worst case scenario) the trailer scared some people off. If you're the F*cks, the worst studio in the world, you have to be makin' a rumbly in your papers at this point.

3.) Tie-ins are made for bondage - My personal reaction when I saw the Avatar trailer was, "I can't wait to play that video game." I was only half kidding. I knew that there would be a game based on it, and by God there's no reason it can't look almost as clean as the animated renders that are being passed off in theaters. Guess what, it looks good:



Seriously, that looks fun, right? Sure, you're still playing with what one of our readers here calls blue kangaroo people or "bluhumaroos," but it could be a lot of fun. So, thumbs up on the X-Box front, Jimmy! But, here comes the big thumbs down you expected. Check out these friggin' toys! Ugh! (I got these from Slashfilm.com by the way)






God, look at the Sigourney Weaver character...I believe she comes with a STICK! Wow, I wonder how many technicians had to work on rendering that cricket bat? These are some of the worst toys I may have ever seen. Also, the bluhumaroos with pants on = hilarious! I love the one with shorts and boots on. Turd-a-licious. Then came this image (which is from Chud.com):



That's a 103-inch television. Excuse me, that's a 103-inch 3D television. Cameron is promoting it. Apparently, this movie is intended for rich assholes. I don't know that I have walls that big in my house. This is the other major tie-in: A television worth more than your car.

4.) Where do we go from here? - That's the big question. Let's face it, things are not looking good. Sorry people who want to believe that things are "mixed," things are shitty. You have a $300 million movie with by-all-accounts a TERRIBLE storyline and dialogue, that has been rejected in part by the core fans you were counting on, has been unable to mount a significant word-of-mouth, and looks to be spiraling out of control. There's probably not a way to right the ship entirely, but if they're going to try, they have to do so fast. They have to start putting out more footage, better footage, more carefully crafted footage. They need a second, much better edited, trailer RIGHT NOW. Beyond that, if I'm F*cks, I'm getting some people out there talking about the buzz that this may remind people of: See, a little more than 12 years ago, there was this movie about a boat that was INSANELY over budget, had a story that everyone had already heard before, and encountered behind-the-scene problem after problem. It went on to do OK. If I'm Cameron's people, I'm out there telling everybody that the last time people wrote this guy off, he made what will likely remain the top grossing film of all time. At this point, all you have left to sell is faith in Cameron. Also, if I'm Cameron, I'm lining up my next project immediately...chances are, he'll need to do a bit of redeeming for his nerd rep. "Battle Angel Alita" anyone?

More on the debacle, er, story as it happens.

Avatar Trailer HERE!

Avatar, a film so ahead of its time that men from the future actually came back and produced it, a film so revolutionary it has toppled presidencies through just its poster, a film so advanced that it runs on dilithium crystals and nuclear fission, can't use the Internet right. Monday, the site giving away tickets to the IMAX screening of 15 minutes of footage tomorrow took a bigger crap than Uncle Lenny after Thanksgiving yams. Today, after numerous countdowns across the net, the Apple site that featured the trailer promptly debuted...and displayed nothing. Somehow, Fox and Apple have so screwed the pooch, that Lassie is now pregnant with a litter of half-wits. Thank God for the French! Yeah, you read that right. Below is the trailer, with the one spoken word of dialogue in French (I don't speak it, so I believe he says "Cheese") and the two lines of text ("This December" and "From the director of Titanic") also in a foreign language...but I'm guessing you won't care. Watch it now and let's talk after.



Okay, so as near as I can figure, Jim Cameron has made a sequel to the shitty Final Fantasy movie...that, or CGI sequel to Titan AE...or a big budget version of the "Star Wars: Clone Wars" TV show. Now, I get that this is supposed to be seen on the big screen, and that in 3D it will likely look better but...really? This is it? This is the best foot forward for a film that costs approximately $8.7 billion to make? Blue people who look like a cross between the Orcs from Lord of the Rings and inbred regular humans? This is the promo for the video game, right? I mean, the shot of what I believe to be Sean Bean with his face all carved up is cool, but other than that, I think it looks like The Matrix meets a "Halo" cut scene. I loved The Abyss (I just defended it the other day). I loved Aliens (how could you not). I loved Terminator 2 (even the "Hasta la vista, baby"). This looks...god, can it be...bad. It looks like generic sci-fi rendered with basic computers. If you showed me this as a new X-Box game, I'd maybe want to play it. As a movie...wow, my interest just dropped huge. Everybody weigh in here, I know our comments are hard to get to but they're there at the bottom of this page, just click on the tiny word that says "comments." I have to know if I'm alone here. In the words of the French: "Le Dammit."

Avatar Day IS COMING! Hallmark greeting cards to follow?

After James Cameron whipped out his cinematic phallus and waved it around for all to see at the Comic Con, he promised an upcoming Avatar day, which would allow audiences to see said cinematic phallus FOR FREE at IMAX 3D theaters! Now, the LA TIMES has some specifics on the inevitable clusterfrak. Apparently, this coming Monday, Fox will give away first-come, first-serve tickets at avatarmovie.com starting at noon PST (3 pm EST; 2 pm CST; screw people in Mountain time, with their cool-sounding time zone). Nobody knows if you'll be able to claim 1 or 2 tickets at a time, which is not really a concern for people who are freaking out about seeing a sneak preview of a 3D sci-fi movie. The screenings will be held at 6 and 6:30 pm on Friday, August 21 in the 70 or so theaters that are set up to handle James Cameron's cinematic fallus. Supposedly the footage lasts about 15 minutes or so, and will include stuff not shown at the Comic Con, which I'm kind of surprised hasn't leaked out yet. The trailer also premieres that day, but you'd obviously rather spend all day waiting to click and get the magic tickets or buy them on eBay from some extortionist, right? Me? I'm probably going to pass on this one, as I don't know if there's a theater nearby with the capability and, if there were, I don't know that I'd go anyway. I'm beginning to believe that the best course of action is to go in to this film blind (not literally, that would not be as enjoyable), as the hype has taken on a life of it's own (seriously, it's like a separate life form at this point, I call it "Annie, the Avatar advance hype"). If you are one of those lucky (crazy) people who see this, tell me all about it! I won't even make fun of you (much).

The movie rumor that launched a friendship

The year was...oh Jesus, let's not do that, it's too depressing. Long ago (very long ago), in the land of Illinois, two young boys discovered...okay, now this sounds like gay porn. Um, howsabout...When I was in middle school, I met my best friend Andrew because we were both nerds. I was talkative, obnoxious nerd (I know, shocker), and he was quiet, introspective nerd. Andrew will tell you that he loathed me when he first met me, a natural reaction that I am told is powered by my potent hate-inducing pheromones. What bridged the gap (besides a crazy kid we both knew), was the rumors of James Cameron directing a Spider-man movie. It mean seem like no biggie now, but consider that at the time, there had been exactly two good superhero installments (Superman 2, and Batman)...EVER. So news that the guy behind Aliens was contemplating making a Spider-man movie wasn't just nerd catnip, it was the sort of thing that could be discussed and analyzed ad nauseum (seriously, we made people vomit). Fast forward a boatload of Oscars and two great Spider-man movies (and please-oh-please at least one more) from Sam Raimi, and it is somewhat intriguing that Cameron still hasn't fully kicked the Spidey bug. In an interview with MTV, Jimmy C noted that "Spider-Man was the only one I ever wanted to do. I wasn't really personally that driven to do a superhero movie per se, but I wanted to do Spider-Man because he was my guy when I was 14," insightfully adding "Spider-Man was the shit and everybody else sucked." Amen, Mr. Cameron. Amen. Now, this isn't "news" per se, as the likelihood of Cameron hopping in line to direct the FIFTH Spider-man movie (especially after Avatar and the long-long-long rumored "Battle Angel Alita" adaptation) is somewhere between "sha-right" and "as if." Still, if Avatar drains the fluid from our bodies like it's supposed to, and if Raimi begs out of the Spidey series (as he likely will because of World of Warcraft) it isn't TOO crazy to think someone would at least gauge his interest. I want to go on record that I am NOT in any way saying this non-story should be labeled "Cameron wants to do next Spider-man movie," so much as I am reminiscing about once discussing such things and noting that I like living in a world where it's still, no matter how improbable, possible.