Ryan's Junk Drawer

Well howdy, partners. Congratulations on surviving another week. I know that you only held on, white-knuckling the whole way, so that you can get here...to see my junk. It's cool, I'm glad you reached down and found a reason to keep on living, even if it's only to see movie tidbits that aren't big enough to warrant their own blog post that I package together and cleverly label with a euphemism that implies you'll see my genitals. To each his or her own, is what I say. Because it's not really stealing if you steal from your own facebook posts (I read that in Miss Manors...wait, nope, I made that up), I will summarize my experience in life lately with this quip: "This week was so bad that if it were a TV show, it would be 'According to Jim.' " So, needless to say, I'm glad we've made it this far.

As you know (I hope) by now, we begin the weekly investigation into my junk drawer by looking at the image above from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN, which I think is terrifying for some reason. What we do is I select one item from the drawing, I make up a creepy story about it, and then I laugh. It amuses me. Today's item is the white smoke in the back of the drawer. What George and Carol didn't realize was that their seemingly innocent junk drawer had become home to the Smurgs, the real-life inspiration for the fictional Smurfs. Until their fictional blue cousins, these red creatures who only wear black shirts and no pants have no affinity for the mushrooms. However, they do rock the ganja pretty consistently, leading to the strange white cloud that contains a smell George and Carol can't quite put their finger on but makes them really hungry.

Okay, time to make the donuts. Here's the movie news that's too itty bitty for it's own post:

1.) If this is true...it's the best thing ever - People drop out of movies all the time. It happens. It's always over "scheduling conflicts." That's a publicist term for "one of the parties involved dropped a douchehammer." It's never scheduling conflicts. Sharlto Copely (District 9) dropped out of DJ Caruso's I Am Number 4 (based on the book by that liar who wrote that drug memoir and made Oprah feel bad) due to "scheduling conflicts." So, what's the truth? This is second-hand information, maybe third or fourth-hand by this point actually, but here's what FilmDrunk heard. Apparently, and this is what their source tells them exactly: Sharlto Copley “wanted to wear a prosthetic nose and fake ears like Spock and look like an alien.” Caruso pointed out that major plot points hinged on these aliens looking like people. Neither would give in, so Copely quit. He quit a major motion picture because he wanted to wear Spock ears. That is so fan-flipping-tastic that I don't even have words for it. There's no way to describe the joy it brings me that in the world we live in, people making millions of dollars will walk away from such money because they believe that their character would be best suited if he had a prosthetic nose. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you America.

2.) Okay, maybe THIS is the best thing ever.... - Variety is reporting that I will not be suffering through quite the Evangeline Lilly withdrawal that I thought. This lass so lovely that I find her attractive picking a wedgie with her tongue out, is apparently going to join the also newly-cast Anthony Mackie (The Hurt Locker) in Real Steel. It's a futuristic robot boxing movie, and yet somehow it already makes more sense to me and sounds more realistic than "Lost." The movie is supposedly a sports movie that just so-happens to involve robots. Hugh Jackman will play an ex-boxer who has a strained relationship with his son; they use the medium of a ridiculous sport to reconnect. Wait, so it's got Evangeline Lilly, fighting robots, and the plot from Over the Top?! This is going to be AWESOME!!!!

3.) But...what do them durn womern know about dem dere comic books? - If you're paying attention, you'll realize that this is sarcasm. Jane Goldman's script for Kick-Ass, which did closely follow the comic book but made some serious deviations at key moments, was arguably my favorite script for a comic book movie ever. Maybe The Dark Knight's was better, but I'm not entirely sure about that, considering a lot of that was in the performance and the whole "Gordan's dead" thing and all of "Two-Face" was weird. So, how do you like them apples: Goldman is reteaming with Matthew Vaughn to write the script for X-Men: First Class (which Vaughn is directing). Goldman also had a hand in Stardust, a terribly underrated gem of a movie. Sadly, Goldman and Vaughn are on a wicked tight schedule...the movie's supposed to come out NEXT YEAR. That's Crazytown, population: THIS FILM. This officially moves my excitement level for this flick from "Well, anything's better than that piss taste Ratner left in our mouths with X-Men 3" to "Someone who showed they know how to write for teenagers writing super-powered teenagers?! Awesome!" I'm more jazzed than the ghost of Bob Fosse.

4.) So, is it pronounced "gay king?" because if so, I'm in - I don't know what a robot Shogun warrior is, but I read a story on Ain’t It Cool News awhile back (that Slashfilm just reminded me of) about Gaiking, which I will pronounce as "Gay King" because I think that rules and there's not enough explicit embracing of the homosexual community by the medium of sci-fi/fantasy despite there being soooo much overlap. Anyway, these dudes were going to make a short film based on this 80s cartoon about robot Shogun warriors (mmm, crazy anime). Anyway, it was going to be included in the updated Heavy Metal movie, but now it's going to be a full film unto itself. Here's a little teaser for what it could look like.

What's apparently cool, is that the film apparently this is more "Voltron" than Transformers, in that as you can see there are human pilots. Supposedly the film has a script and stuff and will be hitting theaters before the Mayan apocalypse in 2012. That'd be swell. You know what's funny? Now that I'm posting this, I honestly don't remember if I already posted it in the past. If I did, just ignore it here. Or enjoy a second go-round with robotic warriors. I don't care. You're not paying for this anyway.

5.) Trailers, Parked - We've got some goodies in the bag this week, including what I think will be one of the biggest launches for one of my favorite hotties. Let's get to it.

I've mentioned that I'm looking forward to Easy A for several reasons, most of them involving aspects of Emma Stone. This trailer is almost totally perfect. I laughed out loud several times, I love the cast, I love the concept, I love everything. It was one Tom Cruise joke and "Poker Face" use away from perfect in my mind. I think this is the next Mean Girls, a smart movie for young ladies that will serve as a launching pad for tons of younger actors. Does it look predictable as far as events go? Yes. Does it have Stanley Tucci defending his daughter's honor by claiming she looks like a high-end stripper "for governors or athletes" Yes.

Easy A

Trailer Park Movies | MySpace Video

The Adjustment Bureau is based on a Philip K Dick short story, so it gets points for that. Also, it gets points for Matt Damon, and I know a few dudes who will totally give a point for Emily Blunt. I think it looks kind of Matrix-y and Inception-y, which is not by any means an insult. Hell, it reminds me most of Dark City, and I think that may be my favorite underrated sci-fi film ever. Give it a watch.


Finally, I ain't gonna lie...I have no idea about Detective Dee. It's a Hong Kong movie that Slashfilm recommended seeing the trailer for. I don't know what they're saying, I don't know what's happening, I don't know anything about. Now, I kind of want to see it. Visuals look goooood huh? Also, it looks weird. I like weird.



Okay, that's it. Now, be good to one another. I'll see you tomorrow!

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Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Wow, that was a heck of a deluge of movie news, eh? I know, I impress myself sometimes. Okay, let's get right down to what really matters to you: Whether the damn Dragon movie or the trashy-but-fun action movie, The Losers, will take home first place in a relatively tepid week for the box office. I know, I'm on the edge of my seat too.

Here are my predictions, haiku style:

1.) How To Train Your Dragon - $16 million

Without the 3D,
this is not a major hit.
Yay! Higher tickets!

2.) The Losers - $15 million

Don't expect too much,
and you may get a surprise.
Yes...that's my motto.

3.) The Back-up Plan - $12 million

No one go see this.
Ladies, you deserve better.
Men, J-Lo is done.

4.) Kick-Ass - $11 million

This still isn't right.
I wanted a bigger hit.
So much for my needs.

5.) Date Night - $10.5 million

It just keeps truckin'.
That's more than okay with me.
It was mostly fun!

WILDCARD - Death at a Funeral - $8 million

This will fall off fast.
Soon, we will forget it all.
The fate of remakes!

Okay, that's it! I'm beat!

Movie Review: Kick-Ass

There was so much more I wanted to say than could be fit in this review. I loved the movie. I encourage you to see it before the hype becomes too much or before the backlash ensues. I really wanted to discuss what happens to some of the characters, because I think it really proves my thesis for the film, but I resisted...unlike Roger Ebert. I love that guy, but man did he miss this one in my opinion. Not only did he hate it for reasons I found totally bogus, he reveals the ending of the movie. Um, dude, that sucks. Anyway, here's my take on it before you go out to see it. It's spoiler-free, I promise.

Overkill? Joy! We’re Over Killjoys!
Kick-Ass vs Hollywood’s Dark Knight–ification

After The Dark Knight, critics proclaimed that superhero movies had “grown up,” and studios scrambled to Dark Knight-ify all comic book properties available. In the crudest way, Kick-Ass gloriously welcomes the insertion of these reactions betwixt some butt cheeks.

Jane Goldman and director Matthew Vaughn’s awesomely depraved script, based on Mark Millar and John Romita Jr.’s comic, is a giddy nutshot to the lessons wrongly appropriated from the last Bat-endeavor. Simply put, these “pillars of truth” stated that all successful comic book movies must forthwith be realistic, serious and sophisticated. Kick-Ass flips these ideas the bird before slicing their throats open.

Come to think of it, the plot structure actually dismantles these in order.

Realism

The premise is that Dave Lizewski (Aaron Johnson), a high-school dork so invisible that he only registers with his lady love (Lyndsy Fonseca) after he’s falsely rumored to be gay, dons a scuba suit and “fights crime.” Motivated by boredom and anger at society’s lack of compassion, Dave becomes Kick-Ass…and promptly gets his ass mercilessly kicked. It takes all of 20 minutes for Kick-Ass to solidify that you can’t make a “real” superhero movie. Because if someone tried to be a costumed vigilante, they’d be a big ball of dead in five minutes.

Seriousness

Once Dave heals, he tries again. A video of him in moderately successful action is posted on YouTube. Instant fame ensues. Emboldened, he starts “taking cases.” Just as he’s about to be murdered by drug dealers, Dave encounters Big Daddy (Nicolas Cage) and his 11-year-old daughter, Hit Girl (Chloe Moretz). The former is dressed identical to Batman, and the latter is wearing a purple wig and Robin mask. They look real stupid…and they kill everybody.

The deconstruction really happens here. Big Daddy’s backstory, which is animated to look like a moving comic book, is that he was a good cop framed by a mob boss (Mark Strong) who trains himself and his daughter to be vengeance-seeking murder machines. All this sounds gritty enough, only it’s played for laughs. Cage uncorks the loony; just try to keep a straight face as he puts on his battle makeup. Combine these two with The Red Mist (Christopher Mintz-Plasse), another super-figure whose origins are best left as a surprise, and it is physically impossible to seriously consider this material.

Sophistication

Then there’s the hyperviolent, mob-boss-attacking third act, which sees said 11-year-old cursing like Joe Biden whilst slaying everyone in sight. Kick-Ass presents the carnage with unadulterated, unsophisticated glee. Unlike Heath Ledger’s Joker, Moretz’s murder doll is pure cartoon: There are real sociopaths, but there likely are no child ninjas. The violence borking the minds of overzealous critics is actually less emotionally conflicting when performed by a moppet. Grown men acted like the Joker for months; nobody will ape Hit Girl.

Without spoiling the climactic moments, Dave’s final actions move the film from “our world” to “fantasyland,” as if to remind us that the reason that superhero comics exist is to serve as blissful escapism. Grown-up comic book movies are fine, sometimes even great. Kick-Ass is just a toothless smile reminding us of other options.

Grade = A

Ryan's Junk Drawer

Please imagine me with my legs delicately crossed, sipping what you believe to be hot cocoa but what is really straight, rot-gut moonshine out of an irreverent mug of some kind, sitting in front of a roaring fire made of copies of Hannah Montana on DVD. That has nothing to do with me telling you about the items in my "junk drawer" that are worth noting but not worth their own post, but it's how I like you to think of me.

Here are the top 5 stories I cared about...but not that much.

1.) Like a bad actor in a Shakespeare play, Blockbuster continues its melodramatic death - Hey, apparently this thing called Netflix is catching on and Blockbuster is sucking it because of it. THR is reporting that 960 stores (likely one that you visit frequently) are closing. That's about 20%. Redbox is the new model for on-the-spot renting for those not ambitious or skilled enough to use Pay-Per-View on their cable boxes, and Blockbuster will likely follow suit. I personally hate this, as I like walking into a video store, strolling around, picking up things that may interest me, and then selecting something. I like the experience. Then again, what do I know, I delicately cross my legs. If it were me, I would work on making a reason to go to the stores or Blockbuster won't exist at all anymore. It's time to redesign their model, and the kiosk thing like Redbox sounds good, but won't last long either. I'd try to make renting a more fun experience somehow. Don't ask me how, I don't work for you.

2.) This movie comes with free hubris - Kick Ass hasn't come out yet. I don't even mean the frakkin' movie, I mean the end of the comic book. The movie is going to beat the comic to the stores at this rate. Ugh. Anyway, Mark Millar, writer of the comic book and influential player in the film adaptation, is known for running his mouth like his tongue was Usain Bolt. He supposedly mentioned that a teaser for the sequel is going to appear at the end of the first film...and that the same teaser is going to pay off the first run of the comic series. So...if I'm reading this right, he's saying that they have plans for a sequel to a comic book series that isn't finished and a movie that isn't out yet. It's incredible that this guy can sit with nuts that big. I'm hopeful for the film, hell it has a John Romita Jr animated sequence in it. Most of you don't know what that means, but that's like the single greatest phrase ever to me. Still...wowza, this guy is sure convinced he rules. It reminds me of this one time I met him. You have to understand he has this thick Scottish accent. So I'm at the Chicago Comic Con (shut up) and I'm going through a line of primarily artists having them sketch something for me in my book (really, shut up). I get to Millar and I skip him because he's, you know, a writer. He grabs my book and says "Don't want ME to draw I see? You want a f**king Wolverine? I'll draw a f**king Wolverine." And he did. And it was good. It was quite funny and he was very, very nice...but that kind of shows his stones, don't it?

3.) Stormtrooper's Lament - I'm going to let this one speak for itself. Sure, it's kind of twisted, but I hope that 8 years later we've reached a point where we can use ridiculous sci-fi analogies to laugh at tragedy. If not, I didn't make the damn thing. Don't look at me.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

God, that's funny.

4.) Lincoln's got a case of the creepys - This trailer is for what could be the next Blair Witch, low-budget horror phenomenon. It looks pretty creepy, and what's awesome is that Lincoln is one of the places that's listed as getting the film early! How cool is that! So, watch it, get a little creeped out, and check out our review down the road.





5.) These people love us - Perhaps the best story of the week that's only worth minor mention because it's likely not going to happen: People are trying to stop the release of Love Happens, claiming somebody jacked their screenplay. I have not read their case, I do not have any information as to what actually happened, and I'm convinced they are right...mostly because they're asking for an injunction to stop the film's release. If they win, all of humanity is saved...so, I hope the judge does the right thing.

That's my junk for the week, gang. See you tomorrow to mop up before the weekend.