Lindelof lift off

Things were looking bleak for the Alien prequel that nobody needs. After Ridley Scott talked up an awesome, gritty, R-rated version that would tear our souls from our bodies, we all got pumped. At least, I know I did, as few things get me as excited as soul-tearing alien killing. Then came word that Fox balked at the price tag, a mere $150 million. Cue Damon Lindelof, "Lost" creator/arrogant-SOB, who was tasked to write a treatment that came in somewhere below that dollar amount and had mass appeal. I see where Fox was drawn to him, what with him delivering things that came in below expectations (zing!). Apparently, they think he aced it, as the movie has life again...and a PG-13 rating that doesn't sound as "bloody" and "savage" as Scott teased. So my excitement went from "why are you doing another Alien movie" to "oh, Ridley Scott's doing it and says it's going to be crazy, I'm in" to "Lindelof borked it down to PG-13 and made it cheap, ugh." But wait, there's more. Natalie Portman is being sought for the lead, presumably because she hasn't been rumored for a sci-fi production in the last five minutes.

So, now my excitement went from "NOOO, unnecessary prequel" to "YAY, Ridley Scott returns with an R-rating" to "BOOO, Lindelof and low-budget" to "OMG, will Natalie wear a tank top and underpants only to fight evil phallic-shaped aliens like Sigourney Weaver did?" My emotions are being toyed with here, people.

Follow me on Twitter!

Slow News Day (Volume Two) - Ridley Scott switches Russell Crowe for you

I'm not the world's biggest fan of the whole "everybody is a filmmaker" world we live in. Why? Well, not everybody is a quarterback even though we can all buy and play with a football; not everybody is an architect even though we have pencils and graph paper; and so on and so forth. The world believes that with flip cameras and iPhones and whatnot that everybody is a filmmaking artist. Notsofast there, slappy. See, I believe in citizen journalism and that the increasing technology makes it possible for everyone to share their perspectives and news we may not otherwise receive. They're just not all "filmmakers" and "artists." In the same way that me recording my thoughts about how jacked up it is that the Governor of Hawaii vetoed a law allowing same sex unions doesn't make me Walter Cronkhite, someone using the black and white button on a flipcam doesn't make them Coppola. Why am I mentioning all this? Ridley Scott is partnering with Youtube for Life in a Day. On July 24, 2010, they want you to record "distinctive" footage of that day in your life and upload it. The best will be chosen for a film that is an "experimental documentary" and will be entered in Sundance. Some participants will even get to go. That's great for funsies, but I have this feeling that the resulting blob of footage will be largely unwatchable or, at best, sort of bland. It's just my opinion, don't get all mad or anything. I still think you should do it, because you may get to go to Sundance. Just don't ask me to watch it, okay?

I'm willing to open this Gift

Credit where credit is due: Carl Erik Rinsch is to Slashfilm what some obscure local indie punk band is to that hot chick from the bar. Yeah, they were on his nuts before his nuts were out there to be had. Now, before I go on and on about whether or not this nut-slobbering is warranted and about the future of the man in question, let's start by showing you his highest profile work to date: A mini-movie made as a commercial for Phillips televisions.

Now that I have your attention. Rinsch is the protege of Ridley Scott (and just so happens to be his son-in-law), which is why some sections of the nerdverse are somehow poo-pooing how drool-licious that short was. That short, or The Gift as it is known, is pretty much sci-fi perfection to me. Looking like a cross between Terry Gilliam's 12 Monkeys, Luc Besson's The Fifth Element, and Neill Blomkamp's District 9, The Gift touches all of my tender spots in less than 5 minutes, so I'm happy as shit that this is building huge buzz to the point where the feature film version is in the midst of a bidding war. Slashfilm discovered today that this has been planned for awhile, with Rinsch having already penned a story and funded concept art (which you can see at the link up top). The film will be called Small and will launch from the end of this short, making it a prologue of sorts. From all reports, Rinsch is set on making this world sci-fi plausible (again, I feel District 9) yet infused with Blade Runner (which he may have just said to make his father-in-law proud). Personally, in exactly the same way I don't care that Duncan Jones, who directed the brilliant Moon, is the spawn of David Bowie, I could care less how Rinsch rose to fame. All that matters is if he earns the spot once he has it, and if he makes something half as captivating as that short, he can have boned whoever he needed to in order to hit the tops.

Ryan's Junk Drawer

Hello, children. It's that time again: the time when I compile into one post what would be an entire day's worth of meaningless naval-gazing about subjects that only I care a great deal about. I call this my junk drawer, in part because it seemed like a good name for a collection of odds and ends, and in part because it allows me to make a series of juvenile jokes referring to "my junk." I do this because it amuses me. If it amuses you, that's wonderful! If it doesn't amuse you, I'm probably going to keep right on making junk jokes. Also, I've now added this truly creepy picture up top (from "Highlights" magazine), which allows me to make more creepy jokes by speculating what you see in the drawer above. For example, in the upper left corner, you see what appears to be a lock of a young girl's hair! Terrifying, right!

On a separate issue, I do want your input on something. Twilight: New Moon once more falls on our Thanksgiving-time issue, so I'm likely not going to be forced at gunpoint to review it. I also have never really reviewed the first movie. Is this something I should make myself do, just as an exercise? I will not accept suggestions that seemed to be based in wanting me to be tortured, but if enough people think so, I would consider doing it.



Only vote once, pretty please. I can check if you're being honest...I just shouldn't have to. Onward and upward, here's the top 5 non-major news stories of the week!

1.) Dark Tower collapses - MTV spoke to JJ Abrams, who should really be busy making sure that "Lost" doesn't pound the pooch in the finale or at least trying to decide whether it's really worth it to bring Khan back for the next Star Trek movie (hint: it isn't), has realized that he and his posse are not really going to be able to make anything out of Steven King's "The Dark Tower" series, on account of them being batshit crazy. If you want to hear something crazy, I don't think they were ever going to make a movie based on the 7-part series of Western-meets-sci-fi-meets-horror-meets-WTF. Personally, I think Abrams bought the rights to the series because the ending of that may have a lot to do with the ending of "Lost" and they feared what would happen if they weren't protected. Yeah, you heard me. I think that there's every chance that the ending of the time-loopy "Dark Tower" bears more than a passing resemblance to how "Lost" shakes out. I could be wrong, but either way, they ain't gonna make a movie or TV series out of King's opus, likely because it was impossible to do so all along.

2.) Double sixes are just one six away from the plot of this movie - I could bore you with the details or I could just gloss over this one. The Internets have been a'buzzin' about the rumored plot for the Ridley Scott-directed Monopoly movie. SPOILER ALERT: It sucks all of the balls. The LA Times interviewed Frank Beddor, who is apparently a total asshole. How else do you explain this plot: Dude is a real-estate novelist (who never had time for a wife)...okay, JUST a real estate broker, and he is good at playing Monopoly. He falls asleep holding a "Chance" card and wakes up in Monopoly world. He sees a race car and rocking horse and ohmygod this is really the plot. Described as inspired by "Alice in Wonderland," it was likely also inspired by being a total hack. This is one of the worst ideas that didn't end in dismemberment or instant infertility.

3.) Three trailers (Part one: The good) - I have been on the fence regarding Clash of the Titans. On the one hand, why the hell do you need to remake a movie that is so perfect? Ray Harryhausen's effects? Harry Hamlin's perfect nips? Still, I got a thing for mythology, and effects have come a long way. Yeah, but stupid ass Sam Worthington, he sucks at life! Yeah, but some of the monsters are rumored to look very Guillermo Del Toro-esque. See: Conflicted. The good news is, this preview made it obvious for me: This is going to be stupid awesome.



Oh yeah! Once you get past the butt rock that is cranked loud, you notice three things: (1) This is a monster-driven movie; (2) They didn't let Worthington speak (maybe not at all in the whole movie); and (3) Liam Neeson will straight up put a lightning bolt in your wazoo. Rad.

4.) Three trailers (Part two: The bad) - A disclaimer: I still really, really, really want to see Kick-Ass. There were things I liked about this trailer, but really I wanted to like it more. This could be in part because people who have seen it are losing their mind over it. I know a lot of that has to do with violence of the sort you can't put in a teaser. Still, I expected a little more in the way of scope. They basically cut the second half to look a lot like all of the superhero movies out there...I wanted more play against it. I'm still loving this movie's promise, but I'm not 100% digging this trailer.



5.) Three trailers (Part three: The ugly) - You want to talk about a bad trailer, talk to me about Date Night. How do you take Tina Fey and Steve Carrell, put them together, and produce a 3 minute preview that looks like cat barf? I mean, Steve Levy is a total pile of crap as a director, but I didn't know he was a mean-spirited son-of-a-bitch. A gag where they BOTH walk into a sliding glass door? Tina Fey spewing lines of dialogue about mother-in-laws? The big laugh is supposed to be Fey confusing getting whacked for getting whacked off? Ow, ow, ow. Maybe these two stars need to be content with kicking ass on the small screen. I know everyone sees TV as the little league and movies as the pros, but that's not true. Be content to be the funniest people on the little screen and stop doing things like this to yourself. Seriously.

Great, now Fox has to find a NEW way to screw this up

BREAKING NEWS (read this all like a news reporter from the 1930s...preferably out loud): After having concocted what seemed to be a perfect plan to make another terrible, terrible movie set in the Alien universe, 20th Century Fox will now be forced to find a new way to squeeze this film into turd shape, because Variety is reporting that they fired the guy who directed a few odd commercials and actually got Ridley Scott back to direct the upcoming prequel, which we can only hope is titled Prealiens (pronounced "pralines"). This is a huge step back for Fox, which has made a tidy living ruining things that should be good. If Fox doesn't act soon, the excitement that some fans may feel about the man who directed the first brilliant installment of the franchise will turn into full-fledged enthusiasm. Perhaps this is all a part of Fox's new, even more devious plan: build excitement before crushing hopes and dreams like grapes beneath feet or hookers beneath John Goodman. Rest assured that the franchise behind Aliens vs Predator 2 can and will find a way to beat this prequel (the story of which hasn't been clarified) into fecal matter quickly. The addition of a dance number, an all-Pussycat Dolls score, or Zac Effron should serve to once more solidify Fox's establishment as the studio that hates you the most. Don't worry, America, soon everything will be as it should be.