Ryan's Junk Drawer

Hello, hello, hello! Welcome back to the wacky world of my junk. Once more with feeling, this is the weekly column in which I jam pack a whole bunch of tiny tidbits that don't warrant their own entire blog entry. Think of it like a bucket for leftover pocket change, only I actually do something with the extra dough, it's not mostly GD pennies, and there's nary a button or stick of gum to be found. Also, the creepy image above, which is from Highlights Magazine for Children, is studied every week, as I come up with some disturbing take on the image, because we all know that's John Wayne Gacy's hand. Today's take involves the strangely disappearing hand. Just as entropy was consuming the universe thanks to that proton collider which was guaranteed not to rip open a hole in reality, Gary remembered where he kept his lucky rabbit's foot. Were it not for the end of all that is finally disintegrating the world behind him, he would have grabbed it, too. Sad.

Now on to the weekly news nuggets too scrawny to make the big leagues. Grab a hold of something...here comes my junk.

1.) Just FYI, if Robert Pattinson plays Spider-man, I'm blowing up earth - The only reason I haven't included the rumor that Pattinson is up for the role of Peter Parker in a huge ranting blog post despite hearing it from multiple sources is because I refuse to even entertain it. If that bushy eyebrowed, half-wit, homeless-looking, talentless, pasty, British object of 40-year-old-women-who-love-cats-and-13-year-old-girls-who-don't-understand-statutory-rape is cast as the greatest superhero of all time (yeah, I'll fight you on that one too if you disagree), I will straight up find a way to nuclear proliferate my own home and end this world as we know it. This is not an idle threat, this is the threat of a man with a billion comics, an undying love for the character of Spidey, and the means to create a geek army to do his bidding (right...right, guys?). I don't care that f**king Marc Webb may ride his medicore 500 Days of Summer into the director's role in order to deliver a f**king teeny-pop take on the iconic superhero. I don't care that they'll probably have music from the f**king Jonas Brothers. Okay, I do care about all of that, but I care mostly about not having the disheveled walking corpse, the greasy hack that is Pattinson as my favorite character. You could say it downright bothers me.



2.) So long as the fifth brother is an animal... - I could watch Andy Sandberg's Mark Wahlberg talking to animals for about 2 weeks, maybe more. Each and every "how's it goin' chicken?" sends me into fits of hysteria. So,with THR reporting that Wahlberg has engineered a sequel to the little-seen but somehow still slightly enjoyed Four Brothers (the movie that made Andre 3000 think he should do movies instead of providing more insanely groovy music) is getting a sequel. It will be called Five Brothers but would get a bigger audience if it was Four Brothers and a Goat. I would see the latter movie 10 times in the theater. There's really no word on a plot, but that's not all that surprising given that it's a sequel. No director is set to attach, but John Singleton will probably return because he's not exactly busy at this point. He was set to direct The A-Team for forever, so I can imagine he's in a world of pain right now after seeing the trailer. Oh, his take on it might have sucked more, but there's no denying his BA Baracas wouldn't be the ridiculous biscuits that Rampage Jackson appears to be. Oh, and I wasn't going to leave you hanging. Enjoy.



3.) If Pixar made toilet paper, it would be the best toilet paper ever - Few studios have done no wrong...actually, I think it's just Pixar to be honest. One of the more interesting developments at the studio is the upcoming John Carter of Mars. The reason? It's not an animated film...well, at least not entirely. According to one line over at THR, "The movie will be a hybrid of live action and CGI." Whether or not this is 100% accurate, the prospect of Pixar doing adult fare (with real people in it or not) is about as exciting as you can get, because their kids movies are more fulfilling and satisfying for adults than most adult movies. The movie follows John Carter (to be played by "Friday Night Lights" hubba-hubba hunk Taylor Kitsch), who is a Civil War vet who winds up transported to Mars, where he fights in another war...so dude can't catch a break. The cast now includes Lynn Collins, Willem Dafoe, Samantha Morton, Polly Walker (rejoice Polly Walker fans...who's Polly Walker again?), and most recently added, Emmy Award winner Bryan Cranston from "Breaking Bad" (who is likely thrilled that is now his reference point instead of "Malcom in the Middle"). I can't say for sure that this is going to be the live-action hybrid promised, but I don't care. I'm so ready to see what Pixar does by branching out that I feel the exact opposite as when I think about Robert Pattinson as Peter Parker.

4.) Daniel Craig desires Downey Jr.'s sloppy seconds - Cowboys and Aliens is a project so obviously Hollywood that it's insane that it has taken over 10 years for the film version to get this far. The latest setback is Robert Downey Jr stepping away from the project, presumably to count his Iron Man and Sherlock Holmes money (you could really argue that RDJ is getting into that rarified Will Smith/Hugh Jackman/George Clooney movie-star range again...and good for him). The replacement may be somewhat disappointing, not from an acting standpoint (that's assuming that they're going to be acting in Cowboys and Aliens), but what it means about the other project this replacement cowboy would not be shooting. Confused? It's Daniel Craig. If he becomes a cowboy this summer, as Collider is suggesting, he will not be shooting Bond 23 this summer. I've been salivating for this next Bond film, given how much I've loved the revamp (yes, even Quantum of Solace, asshats). This third film should payoff with a fight against the big bad guys and it's written by the playwright behind Frost/Nixon. God, I want it so bad it hurts me. Still, with MGM (007's studio) suckin' tail right now, chances are Craig will be donning a cowboy hat before a tux.

5.) Trailer's parked - This week has a few interesting trailers, the first two being new takes on movies we've already seen trailers from and the last being a Kevin Costner movie...I know.

A-Team - The preview is pretty much what you'd expect, although I've begun hearing about some discontent on the set, including some Sharlto Copeley concerns...which sucks. I say "pretty much" what you'd expect, because it goes full-retard in the last minute. The tank thing...shudder.



Kick-Ass - Hands down one of my most anticipated films for this next year, the buzz among people I follow who have seen it is absolutely incredible. This trailer shows why. I'm super amped.



Company Men - Finally, the weirdest of the bunch. A downsizing drama (with a weird, weird trailer) featuring Chris Cooper (YAY!), Tommy Lee Jones (YAY!), Maria Bello (YAY!), Ben Affleck (okay), and Kevin Costner (wait a minute...). It looks all poignant and shit, which means it could actually be touching or could be touching in a bad touch way. Not sure.

That's almost too much junk to handle, so try to take it all in and I'll see you tomorrow.

Ryan's Junk Drawer

Hello, children. It's that time again: the time when I compile into one post what would be an entire day's worth of meaningless naval-gazing about subjects that only I care a great deal about. I call this my junk drawer, in part because it seemed like a good name for a collection of odds and ends, and in part because it allows me to make a series of juvenile jokes referring to "my junk." I do this because it amuses me. If it amuses you, that's wonderful! If it doesn't amuse you, I'm probably going to keep right on making junk jokes. Also, I've now added this truly creepy picture up top (from "Highlights" magazine), which allows me to make more creepy jokes by speculating what you see in the drawer above. For example, in the upper left corner, you see what appears to be a lock of a young girl's hair! Terrifying, right!

On a separate issue, I do want your input on something. Twilight: New Moon once more falls on our Thanksgiving-time issue, so I'm likely not going to be forced at gunpoint to review it. I also have never really reviewed the first movie. Is this something I should make myself do, just as an exercise? I will not accept suggestions that seemed to be based in wanting me to be tortured, but if enough people think so, I would consider doing it.



Only vote once, pretty please. I can check if you're being honest...I just shouldn't have to. Onward and upward, here's the top 5 non-major news stories of the week!

1.) Dark Tower collapses - MTV spoke to JJ Abrams, who should really be busy making sure that "Lost" doesn't pound the pooch in the finale or at least trying to decide whether it's really worth it to bring Khan back for the next Star Trek movie (hint: it isn't), has realized that he and his posse are not really going to be able to make anything out of Steven King's "The Dark Tower" series, on account of them being batshit crazy. If you want to hear something crazy, I don't think they were ever going to make a movie based on the 7-part series of Western-meets-sci-fi-meets-horror-meets-WTF. Personally, I think Abrams bought the rights to the series because the ending of that may have a lot to do with the ending of "Lost" and they feared what would happen if they weren't protected. Yeah, you heard me. I think that there's every chance that the ending of the time-loopy "Dark Tower" bears more than a passing resemblance to how "Lost" shakes out. I could be wrong, but either way, they ain't gonna make a movie or TV series out of King's opus, likely because it was impossible to do so all along.

2.) Double sixes are just one six away from the plot of this movie - I could bore you with the details or I could just gloss over this one. The Internets have been a'buzzin' about the rumored plot for the Ridley Scott-directed Monopoly movie. SPOILER ALERT: It sucks all of the balls. The LA Times interviewed Frank Beddor, who is apparently a total asshole. How else do you explain this plot: Dude is a real-estate novelist (who never had time for a wife)...okay, JUST a real estate broker, and he is good at playing Monopoly. He falls asleep holding a "Chance" card and wakes up in Monopoly world. He sees a race car and rocking horse and ohmygod this is really the plot. Described as inspired by "Alice in Wonderland," it was likely also inspired by being a total hack. This is one of the worst ideas that didn't end in dismemberment or instant infertility.

3.) Three trailers (Part one: The good) - I have been on the fence regarding Clash of the Titans. On the one hand, why the hell do you need to remake a movie that is so perfect? Ray Harryhausen's effects? Harry Hamlin's perfect nips? Still, I got a thing for mythology, and effects have come a long way. Yeah, but stupid ass Sam Worthington, he sucks at life! Yeah, but some of the monsters are rumored to look very Guillermo Del Toro-esque. See: Conflicted. The good news is, this preview made it obvious for me: This is going to be stupid awesome.



Oh yeah! Once you get past the butt rock that is cranked loud, you notice three things: (1) This is a monster-driven movie; (2) They didn't let Worthington speak (maybe not at all in the whole movie); and (3) Liam Neeson will straight up put a lightning bolt in your wazoo. Rad.

4.) Three trailers (Part two: The bad) - A disclaimer: I still really, really, really want to see Kick-Ass. There were things I liked about this trailer, but really I wanted to like it more. This could be in part because people who have seen it are losing their mind over it. I know a lot of that has to do with violence of the sort you can't put in a teaser. Still, I expected a little more in the way of scope. They basically cut the second half to look a lot like all of the superhero movies out there...I wanted more play against it. I'm still loving this movie's promise, but I'm not 100% digging this trailer.



5.) Three trailers (Part three: The ugly) - You want to talk about a bad trailer, talk to me about Date Night. How do you take Tina Fey and Steve Carrell, put them together, and produce a 3 minute preview that looks like cat barf? I mean, Steve Levy is a total pile of crap as a director, but I didn't know he was a mean-spirited son-of-a-bitch. A gag where they BOTH walk into a sliding glass door? Tina Fey spewing lines of dialogue about mother-in-laws? The big laugh is supposed to be Fey confusing getting whacked for getting whacked off? Ow, ow, ow. Maybe these two stars need to be content with kicking ass on the small screen. I know everyone sees TV as the little league and movies as the pros, but that's not true. Be content to be the funniest people on the little screen and stop doing things like this to yourself. Seriously.