Broadway Musical Turned Movie Guaranteed to Make You Sterile

I don't have cold, hard evidence or "facts" on the following assertion, but neither does Fox News and they run a whole cable channel. I'm 99.99% sure that the movie based on the Broadway musical "Rock of Ages," will kill the "little swimmers" of any man that watches it and will shrivel the girlie parts of all women. I've never seen it (dear Lord, why take that risk), but I can say this because of the Variety story that revealed director Adam Shankman. Helloooooo, how do we know this project is dangerous? The man's last name is a description of how to kill a man in jail! Beyond that, the article described that the music in the musical includes the following: Journey, Twisted Sister, Joan Jett, Bon Jovi, and Pat Benatar. Maybe, just maybe you survive the Journey and the Joan Jett. After all, who wants to stop believin' and doesn't want to put another "dime" (I believe that was once American currency) in the jukebox, baby? But the one/two/three nut punch of Twisted Sister, Bon Jovi, and Pat Benatar? No way your sperm survives that. What happens is, and I believe this is scientific, the little future babies realize that they don't want to live in a world where that music is popular, so they commit molecular suicide. Again, I'm pretty sure I learned that in Biology 101. Oh, and then there's this:
I believe in the middle, that's a reject from American Idol. You'll also notice that you aren't quite sure the gender of those behind him. This is not an advertisement, it's a warning.

Hugh Jackman still can't see why gay rumors follow him, agrees to star in new musical

I don't know if Hugh Jackman is gay, I just know that it won't change anything for my wife if he is. It's like some kind of crazy sexuality profiling mystery, I mean for every Wolverine, there is a "Viva Las Vegas"...hell, for every Wolverine there is a Wolverine come to think of it. Point is, if he is gay, I wish he would come out because having an incredibly masculine action movie star that happens to be gay would greatly help against stereotyping. Not helping with the stereotyping is his decision to chase down yet another musical endeavor, as Variety is reporting that the hirsute hunk is going to star as PT Barnum in a song-and-dance version of The Greatest Show on Earth. The original version with Charlton Heston was on one night at my in-laws house when I had insomnia and my father-in-law had fallen asleep with the remote in an "inaccessible region." It was one of the worst movies I have ever seen and if you say otherwise, I'm going to need to see a doctor's certification of your sanity and check your NRA status. Twentieth Century Fox, who is in the habit of ruining good movies and making ones that were bad from the start, is producing the contemporary musical that will supposedly be more Moulin Rouge than Sweeney Todd. Supposedly, the studio is in talks with British songbird Mika to write music and lyrics (they should check with Regina Specktor too...okay, I'm now realizing that I can't mock Jackman anymore for this endeavor). Supposedly, the female lead is being written for the gorgeous Anne Hathaway, who proved she could sing it up at the Oscars last year...with Hugh Jackman (it all comes full circle). So, what have we learned today?

1.) I shouldn't speculate about sexuality when I intimately know the works of Regina Specktor.
2.) Anne Hathaway is hot
3.) Hugh Jackman is going to star in a role that Charlton Heston once held (I really want to read that sentence quick enough to make it look like Hugh Jackman wanted to hold Charlton Heston)
4.) Fox studios is dumb.
5.) I may actually like this musical.

That's all.