People lining up for xeno-death

If we don't get Natalie Portman being chased by weirdly phallic, double-jawed acid spewers, looks like our consolation prize may not be too shabby.

God I wish the rest of life worked like that. I'm not sure the exchange rate on such things, but trading a Portman for a Hathaway (if it comes to that) seems beyond reasonable to me. It just occurred to me I never mentioned officially that this is for the Alien prequel for which Damon Lindelof apparently wrote a treatment that's beyond awesome. James Franco is also circling the project, presumably as the alien. I'm kidding, I like J-Frank, he's got personality, is willing to spoof himself on "30 Rock," and may just be the actual meltdown that Joaquin Phoenix faked waiting to happen. Portman hasn't passed yet, and Noomi Rapace (that's a real name, I swear) and Casey Mulligan are also swimming in the waters around. The point is, I really thought this project was hot bread (toast) but it looks like Lindelof has taken something that was dead and made it appear alive...there's a joke there, if someone who is a fan of "Lost" could help me with that...

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Web of Lies: Malko-victory?

Despite the fact that Spider-man 4 is officially progressing with all of the speed of congressional reform, John Malkovich is still flapping his yapper about his involvement. Slashfilm.com found an interview posted elsewhere in which Malko-maniac mentioned that he was, indeed, circling the project...like a (wait for it)...VULTURE! Ya-Boo (again, that's Boo-Ya backwards...I'm determined to make that stick). Malky confirmed that the script is being reworked, so he isn't really sure whether or not he will survive the purge, and chances are that the "disagreement over the villains" that is being reported wasn't a bunch of studio suits demanding the box office might of John Malkovich. I'm guessing Sam Raimi wants the weird thespian to be out there doing his thing, but the execs want somebody more bankable. Apparently, kids don't find 60-year-old dudes wearing green feathers to be bad ass. One of the more interesting rumors I heard (though I cannot remember where, but I swear I'm not inventing this out of thin air), is that Willem DeFoe is willing to come back as the Green Goblin. Personally, I don't hate this idea. In fact, I'd bring back Green Goblin AND Doc Ock. Why? Because villains come back in the comics ALL THE DAMN TIME, plus they're the best two villains Spidey has, plus it would be a cool way to end Raimi's run. It's not going to happen, but still, it's a thought. Also, I meant to tell you that by all accounts, the Vulturess (which was to be played by Anne Hathaway) ain't gonna happen. So we may get:

But not

Yeah, that seems unfair.

Web of Lies: Spider-man 4...no more?

What's funny about Twitter is that it often becomes the urinary trough for peeing contests between competing movie rumor sites. Over the last few weeks, IESB (one of the legends in "the game"...and by "the game," I mean talking about movies, which is far less tough than anything else that has ever been referred to as "the game") reported that Spider-man 4 was in trouble...big trouble...the kind of trouble you may not recover from. Then along came MTV's Splash Page (which is kind of douchey in that they mostly just suckle from the teat of Twilight and bilk the comic book fanboys by tossing out wild rumors and aspersions) to say that this was hogwash. The battle lines were drawn. In the end, the winner was...IESB, as various news outlets began reprinting an email from inside one of the visual effects groups noting that production was cancelled "because Sam Raimi hates the story." Good for you, Sammy! The supposed bone of contention is the villain. Raimi apparently wants John Malkovich and ONLY John Malkovich (likely to play The Vulture) and the studio wants (or wanted, depending on the reports) Anne Hathaway to play The Vulturess (a character invented for the movie). Good news! We have an excuse to post a picture of Anne Hathaway.

The obvious problem is that (A) two villains is not a good idea and (B) the Vulturess is stupid. Why not include The Black Cat as was rumored...or punt the whole thing. The reason this whole "not having a script thing" is important is because the principle players are locked into contracts and are quite busy. What I'm saying is this: If this drags on, and rewriting or creating an entirely new script is not a quick process, Raimi may lose his players (please lose Kirsten Dunst, please lose Kirsten Dunst). Were I a betting man, I'd say...this film isn't going to happen as it was conceived. I'm saying no Raimi, no Maguire, no Dunst. I'm saying back to the drawing board. This reminds me of the original quest to bring Spidey to the big screen, only back then we were talking about director James Cameron and star Leonardo DiCaprio, back when Kirsten Dunst was only a whiny, misshapen pup. I want a new Spidey movie. Bad. But I don't want a new bad Spidey movie. I hope Raimi holds out until it's right or walks away.

Web of Lies: Good news/bad news

Once more we return to the sticky wicket that is the Spider-man 4 casting process. As you may recall, we have moved through a veritable who's who of hotties in a quest to find a new female figure in the new Spidey outing. When the rumors began flying like bagels in a bagel fight (if you don't know about a bagel fights...you're lucky...damn lucky), we created Web of Lies to document the continued falsehoods and excuses to post hot pictures of lovely actresses. Well, here we are again, and we get to post more awesome images:

Wow, there may be nothing worse than seeing John Malkovich when you think you're about to see something beautiful. Seriously, if he and James Carville were to have a freaky-face contest, humanity would be destroyed. Now, the scuttlebutt right now is one that should cause people like me, a dude with more Spider-man comics than he has DNA strands, into a frenzy. See, according to Movieline, Malkovich will play The Vulture. That much is actually cool, because he is a talented actor and looks the part (see):

It's the second part that will send fans nuts. Apparently, the Vulture will have a daughter named Felicia Hardy who becomes the Vulturess. In the comics, Felicia Hardy is the Black Cat, a skin-tight-suit wearing cat burgler with bad luck powers. Of course, this may be a little too close to Catwoman for some people, and as we all know, after Halle Berry's effort, no one should be close to Catwoman. This irritating news is buffered by the fact that this is the lady playing The Vulturess (who needs a better name, STAT):

Now, allow me a brief aside here. I'm cool with this. I'll tell you the reasons why as briefly as I am able and if you stay, I'll give you another Anne Hathaway picture.

1.) I like it because it mirrors the father/son Green Goblin stuff. Thematic echoing is big for Raimi and it works here.

2.) I like it because the Black Cat, while hot, was a stupid character. She had BAD LUCK powers, for the love of God, and when ISN'T a woman in comics dressed in skin tight leather. If she were any less original of a character, she'd have been "created" by Stephanie Meyers.

3.) I like it because it will provide great mid air visuals, which have been my favorite effects moments in the series.

4.) I like it because it isn't Venom.

5.) I like it because movies are not comic books. Let's face facts, people, everybody flipped shit over the "organic web shooters" in the first film and it was great. Purists don't seem to understand that the biggest issue at hand is whether or not the movie is good. I don't care that Felicia Hardy is going to be the Vulturess, I care that the Vulturess not suck like Topher Grace did.

So, there you go, the latest in our web of lies. Now, as promised, less of me and more Anne Hathaway.

You're welcome.

Web of Lies: Hatha-why not?

Okay, this Black Cat thing is officially batshit insane. I'm turning the dial from excitable nutso to Mel Gibson, as Nikki Finke is now saying that in addition to:

Rachel McAdams

Romola Garai

and

Julia Stiles
we can now add

Anne Hathaway
to the mix.

Hathaway is the only Oscar nominee of the bunch, so she gets points for that. She does lose points for not being Rachel McAdams, which are the same points that Julia Stiles and Romola Garai lost. Who will win this race? Will I continue to be able to post different smokin' hot pictures of smokin' hot actresses? Is there even going to be a Spider-man 4 or is it just going to be a casting couch where Sam Raimi gets to leer at the hottest women in the world? Who can say. All I know is that my friend Steve King from CD105.9 informed me that Kirsten Dunst said this about her cross-country road trip: "After we were done, I was like, 'Wow, America is so poor. Just the towns you come across . . . all that's there are restaurants and gas stations." And there's the quote from the one person we KNOW is in the movie. Again, you have your pick of the women above, or this:

Do the right thing, Peter Parker.

Hugh Jackman still can't see why gay rumors follow him, agrees to star in new musical

I don't know if Hugh Jackman is gay, I just know that it won't change anything for my wife if he is. It's like some kind of crazy sexuality profiling mystery, I mean for every Wolverine, there is a "Viva Las Vegas"...hell, for every Wolverine there is a Wolverine come to think of it. Point is, if he is gay, I wish he would come out because having an incredibly masculine action movie star that happens to be gay would greatly help against stereotyping. Not helping with the stereotyping is his decision to chase down yet another musical endeavor, as Variety is reporting that the hirsute hunk is going to star as PT Barnum in a song-and-dance version of The Greatest Show on Earth. The original version with Charlton Heston was on one night at my in-laws house when I had insomnia and my father-in-law had fallen asleep with the remote in an "inaccessible region." It was one of the worst movies I have ever seen and if you say otherwise, I'm going to need to see a doctor's certification of your sanity and check your NRA status. Twentieth Century Fox, who is in the habit of ruining good movies and making ones that were bad from the start, is producing the contemporary musical that will supposedly be more Moulin Rouge than Sweeney Todd. Supposedly, the studio is in talks with British songbird Mika to write music and lyrics (they should check with Regina Specktor too...okay, I'm now realizing that I can't mock Jackman anymore for this endeavor). Supposedly, the female lead is being written for the gorgeous Anne Hathaway, who proved she could sing it up at the Oscars last year...with Hugh Jackman (it all comes full circle). So, what have we learned today?

1.) I shouldn't speculate about sexuality when I intimately know the works of Regina Specktor.
2.) Anne Hathaway is hot
3.) Hugh Jackman is going to star in a role that Charlton Heston once held (I really want to read that sentence quick enough to make it look like Hugh Jackman wanted to hold Charlton Heston)
4.) Fox studios is dumb.
5.) I may actually like this musical.

That's all.