Ryan's Ketchup

Read this column or I'll haunt your fridge

I have two versions of this opening joke.

If you're in Omaha, this is yours: "Just when you thought you were rid of me forever, I have roared back from the dead to remind you that you're never really done with me! I'm the Hal Daub of blogs!" If you're anywhere else, just substitute Newt Gingrich in for that politician reference.

Since last we spoke I (A) saw my Brother-in-Law finally marry his beautiful wife, (B) drank twice my body weight in liquor over 3 days, ensuring that I will never drink again, and (C) have become so exhausted that if there were gun to my head demanding an answer, I'd have to ask to see a calendar to tell you for sure what day it was.

In an effort to save my sanity, I'm doing just one post today, but I'm doing it epic-style, in one huge Catch-up (get it, Ketchup) column.

Here is all the news I missed over the weekend through Monday.

1.) There's no Jason Bourne in the next Jason Bourne movie - In a great move, Tony Gilroy has turned in a script for The Bourne Legacy, which does not feature Jason Bourne. Interesting approach, not including the title character of your franchise in the next movie in your franchise, but it may make sense. Apparently the plot will allow room for more of Jason Bourne himself down the road, but will broaden the "world" that he lives in by exploring more of the espionage and intrigue that surrounds his existence. Presumably the action will still be shot and cut so crazy it remains incomprehensible.

2.) I'm GLAAD we solved that - When I saw a preview for The Dilemma, I was friggin' appalled. Not just because Vince Vaughn's schtick is the only thing more tired than I am.

Although, seriously dude, stop it. No, what was appalling was two-fold: First, that nobody has hobbled Ron Howard yet. His name on a production sheet should come with an asterisk that reads "may cause mental diarrhea and vomiting." His hacktastic hackitude is ridonkulous. Second, the first thing in the joyless, soulless trailer (of a movie that features KEVIN JAMES for the love of God), is a "that's gay" joke. Really? Really? It's 2010, you idiotic douchenozzles! Assuming there was a script, how did that joke even stay in there? Thankfully, GLAAD stepped in and dropped the hammer, prompting Paramount to pull the joke from the trailer and the movie. Score one for progress. Now, if only they had shelved this entire abomination altogether. I have no respect for anyone associated with this film. Period.

3.) Technically, lying is a sin - Okay, Robert Rodriguez is challenging Mark Millar for the title of "lie shaped like a human." Nevermind that he's been circling Deadpool like a vulture or that his list of possible next projects grows daily, let's just focus on how he's said that Sin City 2 was coming for the last five years.

He SWEARS it's his next project after the next Spy Kids movie, but if you believe him, I think perpetual football misser Charlie Brown is the only creature more gullible than you are. Do we even need a Sin City 2 now? I mean, the first one was groundbreaking in a lot of ways, but it wouldn't be anymore. Okay, if they get Jessica Alba back to strippin', it may be vital. It's just not going to happen no matter what RR says.

4.) Your new Spidey baddie is.... - Well, technically, we don't know who he is but we know who he is. What do I mean? Well we know that this is the bad guy:
That's Rhys Ifans, and apart from having the weirdest spelled name in the world and looking like a a stretched out Ron Stewart, he's kind of fun. The speculation has gone three major places: (1) The Vulture - He's lanky, he's bird-looking, and the Vulture WAS the villain in the last known script that was scuttled for this one. (2) Electro - One of the remaining villains that may look cool on screen, provided they change him out of his green-and-yellow footie pajamas that he wears in the comics. (3) Venom - The least likely choice, but the studio knows that Venom is the most profitable bad guy in terms of merch and popularity.

My guess? Probably the Vulture, but I wouldn't rule out either Kraven or The Chameleon. Why? Low budget. The film only has an $80 million budget and is shooting 3D. The effects would be less necessary for the villain if you go with someone who doesn't have massive powers. Personally, I think Venom is out because of that reason alone. Could be the Lizard, but I think he's out for that same reason. Oh, and incidentally, just make the damn movie already. The only thing I've done more than report on rumored casting for this movie is make jokes that only I find funny.

6.) Flash news! - I don't know why they insist on making a new Flash movie when we already have the amazing 1990s TV series.
I loved that show when I was younger...because I used to like things that were terrible. Now comes word that the script for the new movie version is due by the end of this year and that Bradley Cooper is in the lead to play the fast-runner who runs fast...and that's about it. Cooper seems like a good fit, even though he also seems like kind of a jerk. I have nothing to go on there, just a gut feeling, but this is a blog so I don't have to fact check or use real information or anything.

7.) Super lie - I'm not spending much time on this one. Someone supposedly saw Brad Pitt around where Super 8 is shooting, suggesting he may have a secret cameo. It's filming in a small town. So what is far more likely is that someone who looks something near what Brad Pitt looks like was around town. Incidentally, even looking somewhat like Brad Pitt probably rules, so don't feel bad guy-who-just-started-a-false-rumor.

8.) Jackasses return in front of Jackass - The return has been...anticipated?
That's right, the dynamic douche duo is back...sort of. The animated pair will be talking about 3D to kick off the 3D extravaganza that is dudes doing things with poo and harming their genitals! Jackass 3D will feature an animated opening with these knuckleheads, which is great news to a few people who confuse nostalgia for quality.

9.) Danny B to hit up a sequel - Danny Boyle doesn't like repeating himself...and so repeating himself may be a way to not repeat himself. What do I mean? Well the director hops genres with nearly every film but has never made a sequel. Now comes word that he's considering returning to the world set up by my favorite true horror movie ever.
Great pic from Slashfilm by the way. We don't think it will be 28 Months Later, and we don't know the idea that prompted Danny B to consider actually directing it himself, but let me be the first to say how excited I am. The prospect of a great director returning to do a horror sequel is just drool-inducing. I'm a big fan of this potential load of malarky, considering I can't actually see him agreeing to do this.

10.) Because this is how all posts should end -

Christopher Lambert may be in Ghost Rider 2. Also, he may be in your garage right now. I'd check.

Follow me on Twitter.

Oh DC, I thought we talked about this

Today we had a battle of opposing comments from creative contributors of comic cinema.
Joss Whedon, while considering how to direct (and write) The Avengers, noted that with his talented cast and character-based style, he wanted to "put them all in a room and have them do Glengarry Glen Ross." Ha! How clever! That incredibly insightful guy who clearly "gets" what's going on just reassured me and millions of others that he sees this as an actor's movie, as a dialogue-based encounter, as something he is perfectly suited for.

Then you have Greg Berlanti. He wrote the first draft of The Green Lantern (and was set to direct it). He also turned in a draft for The Flash. He also directed Life as we Know it, the new movie with Katherine Heigl and Josh Duhamel. Oh, and he created "No Ordinary Family." Ruh roh. Then he said that The Flash was influenced by him thinking about Silence of the Lambs and Se7en. And that it was more The Dark Knight than anything. This is The Flash he's talking about. The fast guy. Who runs and stuff. So we have a respected comic talent for Marvel putting his film in context of a famous play by a brilliant writer and a guy from DC on a press junket for a Katherine Heigl romantic comedy talking about how The Flash is like Se7en. DC was TOTALLY right when they said they don't feel pressure to do things like Marvel. Things like "make good decisions."

Follow me on Twitter!

Ryan's Junk Drawer

Huzzah, my fellow denizens of this planet! Let us all celebrate staving off the apocalypse long enough to see another Thursday. And trust me, an apocalypse could have happened: The ocean is bleeding, a Chicago sports team won a world championship...I'm predicting a Cthulu appearance any second now. Blissfully, we haven't been sucked into the ether by tentacled demons, which means I can celebrate life and the good that's in the world for another day.

Speaking of good that's in the world, one of the former competitors on the speech team that my wife and I coach, The University of Nebraska at Omaha Mavericks, is looking to start a local business in a small town. Perhaps the positive mojo created by continuing to infuse youthful, new ideas into a smaller community with strong tradition was enough to prevent the global implosion I fear. The business is Cornerstone Coffee, and you should become a fan of their Facebook page by logging in to your account and then clicking on THIS link.

According to Danielle Steen, the former team member I was talking about, Corner Stone isn't just a coffee shop, "we will be home roasting coffee beans and exporting them all over the U.S. We'll be the only roaster in a 200-mile radius giving the town a nice market niche, which will hopefully help boost their economy. So, we'll be selling gourmet ground coffee to businesses and homeowners." The business is proposed as part of a competition for startup money, so your support really will help push the project over the top. It's time to show the assembled might of the Cutting Room readership, if only to prove that we are not to be trifled (or truffled) with! And do it today, because the big presentation is Friday, so it can't wait!

The second momentary pause to recognize goodness: I'm drinking out of a cup commemorating Warren Ellis (the comic book writer, not the musician) and his brilliant twitter greeting of "Good morning, Sinners." This is because my friends Andrew and Jess gave it to me for my birthday (along with some SUH-WEET graphic novels, including a bad-ass one called "Action Philosophers"). Nothing is better than drinking out of a cup that insults you from friends who love you.

Now that we've all felt the love, I can get on to the regular Thursday shenanigans involving juvenile statements about "my junk." By junk, I mean movie tidbits too small to count as full posts, but I primarily use it as a way to make dirty jokes like crazy. For example, I have the only junk you can stare at while at work without getting charged with sexual harassment. We begin each week's installment by looking at the creepy-ass image up top (from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN) and choosing an item about which to compose a nonsensical story because it amuses me (and this is really all about my amusement). Today's item is the blue cylinder with a lightning bolt on it. Although Loki had tried for eons to appropriately shame Thor, the god of Thunder, through various lies and tricks, it had never previously occurred to him that the answer to Thor's defeat was staring him in the face. By simply stealing the hammer-wielder's
curling iron, Loki would ensure that Thor's hair would be flat and limp, damning him to mockery from supervillain and superhero alike. Thus, he chose a particularly humid day and stashed the Norse god's hair device in his junk drawer. Now, all he had to do was wait.

Okay, enough tomfoolery and japery, let's get to some movie nuggets shall we? Here's the top 5 non-story stories for the week!

1.) The ring runs on willpower, not hubris, right? - To assume that Green Lantern will be a slam dunk is a bit presumptuous, even though I'm pretty excited about it. The cast is solid, but not spectacular (Ryan Reynolds rules, and I like the Saarsgaard kid), and the character isn't as much of a household name as men who are Bat, Super, and Spider.
Thus, THR's news that WB has hired the writers of the film (still a YEAR away from release) to begin working on the second one, and to write The Flash, seems a wee bit like USC planning their trip to the Rose Bowl this year. Greg Berlanti, Michael Green, and Marc Guggenheim will begin working on the guy who runs fast and the return of the guy with fancy jewelry post haste. The only one whose work I'm familiar with is Guggenheim, and not just because I've heard a lot about his museum. He wrote a few issues of "Amazing Spider-man" (my least favorite of the current era) and was the show runner for "Flash Forward" briefly (one of the two shows to ever have its season recording pass on my DVR get zapped like a light-addicted fly). The GL script has been in flux (and was the source of my first and likely only breaking news), so I'm not sure why such confidence is being shown. Oh well, another day, another set of comic book movies proceeding. Like the housing market and dot com bubble, one day superhero flicks will pop. I just hope it's not soon.

2.) I don't lie to you - I don't have a great B.S. detector, as I'm still new to this game, but I promise not to deliver crap when I know it's crap just to get you all excited. I don't mind kicking around a rumor I know is bogus provided it's for funsies, but I will not tell you lies. What do I mean? Well, a day or so ago, the internet started passing a rumor around about the next Indiana Jones movie that just sounded like butt droppings. It was about how Indy's next adventure would shoot next year (yeah, right) and would feature the fedora mannequin's trip to the Bermuda Triangle with his son Dagwood (sorry, Mutt), where they would find Atlantis. It was too much crap packed into one tiny tube, and the poo balloon popped not 12 hours later when producer Frank Marshall said on his twitter that it was all crap. I figured. Still, I'm in the vocal minority who wants one more Indy movie done right (which probably means pushing Lucas down a well, but I'm fine with that). I want redemption in the public eye (even though I kind of liked Kingdom of the Crystal Skull at times), and I think there's one more great story in this series. I'm not opposed to Atlantis, but I have another way to go with it. What if they really embraced one transition element in the last film and made this movie something more sci-fi for Indy to deal with. I like the idea that he's so out of his element now that he decides on his own to hang it up. He's the adventurer intellect, not the scientist. Just a theme, not a plot...which I guarantee you is more than anyone over at Lucasfilm has right now.

3.) Yesterday's news made current - That Les Grossman movie I told you about is officially happening. Grossman is the fat-suit character that Tom Cruise crawled inside to become self-deprecating enough for us to like again.

It's going to be bad. You can't sustain the funny when the primary thing people remember about the character is him dancing like an ass to the same song over and over again. Yes, he's hairy and fat, but so is Rush Limbaugh and I don't want him to have a whole movie either. He's a bit character who is funny in spurts. I think they'll discover this at the writing phase and we'll never see the movie happen. At least, I hope so. If not, it's going to be 1.5 hours of a bad fat suit dancing. In other words, there goes the plot for Paul Blart 2.

4.) Ghost-san? - Reuters has an interesting story about how Paramount is approaching the box office lull in America by going to Japan and making a remake of Ghost. It's not for us, it's for a localized Japanese audience. Essentially, this may open the door for a new idea: Regional remaking. See, Hollywood doesn't want to come up with new ideas or creative answers, they want money. What better way to make quick cash than by making regional versions of classic films? Think about it: You make a small investment that requires no research or legwork, capitalize on a known product by making it more appealing to a different group, and count your money. It's brilliant in a terrifying way. Actually, it's no different than the Americanized retellings of foreign films, right? I find this to be a story worth watching, if only for how neglected the American box office may one day become. We may be a dry well now.

5.) Trailers, parked - Okay, I have the weirdest trailer of the year so far for you. Gore Verbinski, who did Pirates (all 3 parts) among other, better things, is making an animated film called Rango that apparently makes no damn sense. Johnny Depp stars as an “chameleon with an identity crisis" and co-stars Isla Fisher, Abigail Breslin, Alfred Molina, Bill Nighy, Harry Dean Stanton, Ray Winstone, and Timothy Olyphant as The Spirit of the West. Oh, and THIS is the trailer for that:

Yep, that's real. Wowza.

The only other thing of note for the week trailer wise is a reminder that we're not done with Harry Potter yet. Almost, but not quite. The two films I'm most anticipating, if only because things will finally happen, are about to hit. Here's the trailer reminding you of that.



Folks, this has been an epic Junk Drawer this week. So enough reading! Get out there and celebrate life!

Follow me on Twitter!