Ryan's Ketchup

Read this column or I'll haunt your fridge

I have two versions of this opening joke.

If you're in Omaha, this is yours: "Just when you thought you were rid of me forever, I have roared back from the dead to remind you that you're never really done with me! I'm the Hal Daub of blogs!" If you're anywhere else, just substitute Newt Gingrich in for that politician reference.

Since last we spoke I (A) saw my Brother-in-Law finally marry his beautiful wife, (B) drank twice my body weight in liquor over 3 days, ensuring that I will never drink again, and (C) have become so exhausted that if there were gun to my head demanding an answer, I'd have to ask to see a calendar to tell you for sure what day it was.

In an effort to save my sanity, I'm doing just one post today, but I'm doing it epic-style, in one huge Catch-up (get it, Ketchup) column.

Here is all the news I missed over the weekend through Monday.

1.) There's no Jason Bourne in the next Jason Bourne movie - In a great move, Tony Gilroy has turned in a script for The Bourne Legacy, which does not feature Jason Bourne. Interesting approach, not including the title character of your franchise in the next movie in your franchise, but it may make sense. Apparently the plot will allow room for more of Jason Bourne himself down the road, but will broaden the "world" that he lives in by exploring more of the espionage and intrigue that surrounds his existence. Presumably the action will still be shot and cut so crazy it remains incomprehensible.

2.) I'm GLAAD we solved that - When I saw a preview for The Dilemma, I was friggin' appalled. Not just because Vince Vaughn's schtick is the only thing more tired than I am.

Although, seriously dude, stop it. No, what was appalling was two-fold: First, that nobody has hobbled Ron Howard yet. His name on a production sheet should come with an asterisk that reads "may cause mental diarrhea and vomiting." His hacktastic hackitude is ridonkulous. Second, the first thing in the joyless, soulless trailer (of a movie that features KEVIN JAMES for the love of God), is a "that's gay" joke. Really? Really? It's 2010, you idiotic douchenozzles! Assuming there was a script, how did that joke even stay in there? Thankfully, GLAAD stepped in and dropped the hammer, prompting Paramount to pull the joke from the trailer and the movie. Score one for progress. Now, if only they had shelved this entire abomination altogether. I have no respect for anyone associated with this film. Period.

3.) Technically, lying is a sin - Okay, Robert Rodriguez is challenging Mark Millar for the title of "lie shaped like a human." Nevermind that he's been circling Deadpool like a vulture or that his list of possible next projects grows daily, let's just focus on how he's said that Sin City 2 was coming for the last five years.

He SWEARS it's his next project after the next Spy Kids movie, but if you believe him, I think perpetual football misser Charlie Brown is the only creature more gullible than you are. Do we even need a Sin City 2 now? I mean, the first one was groundbreaking in a lot of ways, but it wouldn't be anymore. Okay, if they get Jessica Alba back to strippin', it may be vital. It's just not going to happen no matter what RR says.

4.) Your new Spidey baddie is.... - Well, technically, we don't know who he is but we know who he is. What do I mean? Well we know that this is the bad guy:
That's Rhys Ifans, and apart from having the weirdest spelled name in the world and looking like a a stretched out Ron Stewart, he's kind of fun. The speculation has gone three major places: (1) The Vulture - He's lanky, he's bird-looking, and the Vulture WAS the villain in the last known script that was scuttled for this one. (2) Electro - One of the remaining villains that may look cool on screen, provided they change him out of his green-and-yellow footie pajamas that he wears in the comics. (3) Venom - The least likely choice, but the studio knows that Venom is the most profitable bad guy in terms of merch and popularity.

My guess? Probably the Vulture, but I wouldn't rule out either Kraven or The Chameleon. Why? Low budget. The film only has an $80 million budget and is shooting 3D. The effects would be less necessary for the villain if you go with someone who doesn't have massive powers. Personally, I think Venom is out because of that reason alone. Could be the Lizard, but I think he's out for that same reason. Oh, and incidentally, just make the damn movie already. The only thing I've done more than report on rumored casting for this movie is make jokes that only I find funny.

6.) Flash news! - I don't know why they insist on making a new Flash movie when we already have the amazing 1990s TV series.
I loved that show when I was younger...because I used to like things that were terrible. Now comes word that the script for the new movie version is due by the end of this year and that Bradley Cooper is in the lead to play the fast-runner who runs fast...and that's about it. Cooper seems like a good fit, even though he also seems like kind of a jerk. I have nothing to go on there, just a gut feeling, but this is a blog so I don't have to fact check or use real information or anything.

7.) Super lie - I'm not spending much time on this one. Someone supposedly saw Brad Pitt around where Super 8 is shooting, suggesting he may have a secret cameo. It's filming in a small town. So what is far more likely is that someone who looks something near what Brad Pitt looks like was around town. Incidentally, even looking somewhat like Brad Pitt probably rules, so don't feel bad guy-who-just-started-a-false-rumor.

8.) Jackasses return in front of Jackass - The return has been...anticipated?
That's right, the dynamic douche duo is back...sort of. The animated pair will be talking about 3D to kick off the 3D extravaganza that is dudes doing things with poo and harming their genitals! Jackass 3D will feature an animated opening with these knuckleheads, which is great news to a few people who confuse nostalgia for quality.

9.) Danny B to hit up a sequel - Danny Boyle doesn't like repeating himself...and so repeating himself may be a way to not repeat himself. What do I mean? Well the director hops genres with nearly every film but has never made a sequel. Now comes word that he's considering returning to the world set up by my favorite true horror movie ever.
Great pic from Slashfilm by the way. We don't think it will be 28 Months Later, and we don't know the idea that prompted Danny B to consider actually directing it himself, but let me be the first to say how excited I am. The prospect of a great director returning to do a horror sequel is just drool-inducing. I'm a big fan of this potential load of malarky, considering I can't actually see him agreeing to do this.

10.) Because this is how all posts should end -

Christopher Lambert may be in Ghost Rider 2. Also, he may be in your garage right now. I'd check.

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Dude, just make Unbreakable 2

Back in the halcyon days of 2002, a far simpler and gentler time, the name M. Night Shyamalan was associated with sheer badassery. Having followed up The Sixth Sense with Unbreakable and Signs, Shyamalan could have sold his used Kleenex to a studio that would develop it into a major motion picture (with Tom Cruise starring as the Kleenex). Then came The Village...(hey, anybody can make one bad movie)...which was followed by Lady in the Water (or two)...which was followed by The Happening (kill him...kill him with fire!). Now the name Shyamalan strikes "meh" into the hearts of men (and fear into the heart of a studio desperately needing The Last Airbender to start a franchise...despite opening the film opposite Twilight: Eclipse, which will be an astronomical hit because the only thing those fans are more than totally wrong is totally dedicated). Hoping to strike while his iron is lukewarm, Shyamalan is shopping around a new idea, complete with a cast committed to it that includes the following folks:



That's interesting, right, given that Willis is still somewhat high profile, Paltrow is riding off of the biggest two films of her career (both rhyme with Schmiron Schman), and Cooper is pretty in demand right now (although, quick side note, EW.com has begun describing him as a doucheboat, a hunky guy who seems like a total douche...I love this term). We don't know much about the plot (Shyamalan HAS to be secretive, it's like his OCD), but we do know a little: it's a dude on the hunt for his missing daughter. So it's like Taken. Only the dad has superpowers. Huhbuhwha?!

Sit back, folks, I'm about to get conflicted. Unbreakable may be one of the top superhero movies ever made. Still. It IS without question the best original superhero movie ever made. For the longest time, I held out hope that the trilogy Shyamalan spewed about early on would actually happen, seeing Willis' character move from newly found powers to full-on hero. I wanted it so bad, I really did. Then he started pooping out poopy poop and we're left with Mark Wahlberg running from trees and some mute Asian kid who can redirect his pee with his mind or something. I'm not saying I won't like The Last Airbender. I may indeed. I just wanted Unbreakable 2. There are some out there who are postulating, given Willis' involvement and the word superpowers, that this new project is somehow that very sequel.


I doubt it. I doubt it immensely. That said, if it is somehow the case OOOOOOOOH DOOGGGIIEEE does that make me happy. Also, they shouldn't make it secret. Drum up excitement early on! If you're having a problem getting it made, leak that you're trying to make Unbreakable 2 and see who comes out in support. I know I will. If not, it should happen, dammit. We get four flippin' Shrek movies, 5 Scary Movies, and 6 Saw films but we can't get 2 films in a series built for it? Sometimes I hate this planet.

Here's the conflicted part: I may love it even if it isn't Unbreakable 2. Given Shyamalan's deft handling of the first film, I may find myself totally enjoying another original take on superpowers that isn't the sequel I've wanted. Wait, am I saying that I would be happy either way? This will never work.

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Movie Review: A-Team

Someone stole my weekend. I'm positive of it. I left it sitting right over here, I turned my head, and whammo, somehow it's friggin' Monday again. This sucks. I had been saving the weekend for a chance to sleep, relax, or generally not feel stretched like taffy that ain't so laffy. This is why you're going to have to give me a minute before I, you know, actually write anything original for you. With that in mind, ladies and gentlemen, I give you Justin Senkbile's review of The A-Team.

Excess in Excess
Everything is big in The A-Team
Justin Senkbile

“Overkill is underrated,” or so says Colonel Hannibal Smith (Liam Neeson), the leader of an Army special ops group in The A-Team, the latest repackaged product in your local multiplex. It’s a nice line for a gruff, half-crazed maverick like Hannibal, but one could imagine it coming from the mouth of a Fox executive during the preproduction stage. After all, this thing is overflowing with just about everything: one-liners, air battles, plot twists and, of course, copious explosions. With a running time of nearly two hours, it has the distinction of being both mindless and mind-numbing, though not at all unentertaining.

The A-Team follows the adventures of a gang of adrenaline-junkie US Army Rangers who “specialize in the ridiculous.” That turns out to be an apt description as we watch Hannibal, Face (Bradley Cooper), B.A. (Quinton “Rampage” Jackson) and Murdock (Sharlto Copley) bring the most absurd “MacGyver”-esque missions to a successful conclusion. There’s also a boatload of plot involving a CIA agent and a treasonous General, but really it’s the same old story of explosions avenged with even bigger explosions.

As yet another repackaging of aging kitsch, in this case the much-loved 80’s TV series of the same name, The A-Team follows the ordinary rules of the remake. Its story details the origins of the team, before they became the soldiers of fortune featured in the series, and its ending leaves things open enough for a string of sequels, depending of course on what the box-office receipts look like.

What’s interesting is that this succession of pops, zips and bangs is moved along not so much by its plot but by its mixture of gaudy charm (from Cooper) and fermenting testosterone (via Neeson). Although they’re arguably the main stars of the film, those brief descriptions are really all you need to know about them. Jackson, filling the shoes of the iconic Mr. T, has more of a back seat role. He really has little to do with the film besides having a mohawk and getting a weak mini-redemption story that features not one but two quotes from Ghandi that are, in this context, cringe-inducing.

It’s a shame that Copley (from District 9 fame) got all the dumbest lines because he’s easily the most compelling actor here. As the one member of the team who’s assumed to be literally insane, Murdock is clearly the clown of the cast. And although Copley still finds some room to impress, he’s sadly misused. At least the guy is probably getting a good paycheck out of this.

In spite of all its boneheadedness, The A-Team’s audio-visual obesity does manage to entertain, if your eyes and ears are up to the challenge. If you loved the series, or if you’re partial to movies that run everything, at all times, at full speed (even when it doesn’t make sense to), then you’ll probably find a few things to enjoy. But no matter who you are, $9.00 is a steep price for a mildly amusing shoot-em-up.

Grade: C

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Wake me when Bradley Cooper, Justin Timberlake, and Ryan Reynolds are wearing the Green Lantern costume at the same time

The big news today (or last night for West Coasters, insomniacs, and whatever assorted jobless ghouls and goblins are up until the late hours of Thursday night...Christ, I just noticed that the stamp on The Hollywood Reporter story is at 10 pm central, so it turns out I adhere to Wilford Brimley's sleep schedule) is that Warner Brothers has narrowed the list of who will wear the Green Lantern costume in their sure-to-be-disappointing-movie to three names: Ryan Reynolds, Bradley Cooper, and (gulp) Justin Timberlake (I'm just going to guess that the odd-man-out was Val Kilmer...see what sausage bloat costs you). All three were signed to holding contracts (which is preferable to a "snuggle contract" or an "awkward one-night-stand contract"), but those expired on Monday, which means we're going to find out very soon who fills the nondescript green costume and pupil-free mask. I would like to point out that keeping all three would be very possible depending on the script (Cooper as Hal Jordan, Timberlake as Kyle Raynor, and Reynolds as Sinsestro), but such things are not an option when your film is budgeted at $200 million already (ah, the price of goofy CGI green boxing gloves). Instead, we're going to see one of them as the jolly green giant and the other two will go back to banging super, insanely hot chicks on their yacht. Let's look at a few pros and cons for each man left standing:

Bradley Cooper

Pros: He definitely has the arrogance/confidence to play the part and is not identified with a major icon-level role yet. Hal Jordan is a typical DC generic figure, a good guy with a great heart and lots of moxy and confidence. Anybody can play that, but Cooper does seem right for it.
Cons: He has a mullet, I don't care what you call it, it's a mullet. Also, I kind of think he's an ass. I don't have proof, we don't hang out or anything, but he reeks of douche. I can tell because he has a mullet.

Ryan Reynolds

Pros: Well, at the risk of making my wife uncomfortable with her choice in mate, dude's got the body for it. Also, he's had a superhero boner longer than most 8-year-old boys in underoos. He HAS to play a superhero or he may die inside.
Cons: He's supposed to play Deadpool. Then again, that's set up at Fox Studios, the worst thing not called cancer. There's no guarantee that someone won't come in and say "let's keep him a mute in this movie, too." Also, even though he's beloved, he's a stupid character. He's basically Ferris Buehler crossed with the Punisher. Still, he's been talking up this movie like his life depended on it.

Justin Timberlake

Pros: Dude actually does have acting ability. Not just Black Snake Moan, but "SNL." As someone who coaches interpretation and acting (yes, for real), it is FAR harder to be funny than to be dramatic (which makes the Oscars' hatred of comedy hilarious). Plus, he's got that "it" factor. I think he would make a better Raynor, but I could see this working.
Cons: He's Justin F**king Timberlake. You're going to sell an N'Sync-er to the comic crowd. Why don't you just go in there and talk to them about relevant socio-political concerns. They will not accept it...then again, WB may not care, as they make bank on the tweens and teens going to see a movie in droves that they may not have before (especially when he performs his tie-in single Supersexy Space Flyin').

Again, I'll repeat because I think it works the best: Keep them all, make Cooper Hal, Justin Kyle, and Ryan Sinestro. We'll all be happy and they won't cry. Everyone seems to be predicting Justin and Bradley, but I'm going to go with Reynolds, he needs to be a superhero and actually has the best box office record of the three (I'm wrong, but I want to be different, so that if it happens I can brag about it on the Internet).