Ryan's Junk Drawer

With great junk, comes great responsibility - "Better Off Ted"

I kind of hate this week. It's been all full of weirdness and weak. It's a weak, weird week. Look at what it's done to me! I'm jibbering and jabbering and I don't even know what I'm talking about. It's time to get myself together, if for no other reason than this is the day I expose my junk to you. It may be someone's first time seeing my junk this week, and I want to make a good first impression. Because once someone has an impression about your junk, they will tell EVERYBODY that impression. "Oh, his junk is lame." I don't want that. I can't have people out there saying "Have you seen Ryan's Junk? I have, and it is not good." I want people to say how magnificent it was, how you were surprised at all it contained!

Obviously, I'm talking about my figurative junk...as in the movie news that I deem too small to warrant a full blog post. I realize that it sounded like I was talking about something else, but this is a PG-13 rated site at best. Okay, sometimes I dabble my toes in the R-rated waters...but it always feels like someone peed in that side of the pool. Anyway, as you know, we begin every weekly edition of my Junk Drawer column by looking at the creepy-ass image above from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN and picking an item I write a goofy story about.

Today's item is the green and red tube in the lower right corner. Knowing full well the cycle of fads, what with the resurgence of skinny jeans and such, Karen knew that if she prepared herself, she could be ahead of the game. Armed with a bedazzler, limited sewing ability, and a passion for ridiculous accessories, she began amassing a staggering number of glittery, fuzzy leg warmers. She couldn't for the life of her figure out why people had stopped wearing them in the first place, what with how your shins felt like you were wearing pants even though you weren't and the awesome, raw, potent sexuality they unleashed. She knew it was only a matter of time before the populous awoke and realized that the only thing that would spell their thirst for sweater sleeves you wear on your legs were legwarmers! And she would be ready. Oh yes. She would be ready.

Okay, enough Tomfoolery and shenanigans. Let's get physical! Here's the Junk Drawer items for this week.

1.) Everything goes exactly as expected. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz - These bits of news were splashed across everyone else's Web site yesterday. But I stand from the pack. I mean, do you see other sites out there spending a good portion of time inventing stories about leg warmers and writing suggestive introductions about their junk? I didn't think so. Look, I didn't report on these things in depth because I find both of them as shocking as when CNN pundits press a button that turns Kentucky red on an electoral map. Here we go. Peter Jackson will, in fact, shoot The Hobbit in New Zealand despite all sorts of previous problems with labor unions (sorry, this is about New Zealand, so I think I have to use the foreign labour spelling, because nothing says "we ain't in America" like an unneeded U). Yippee! Look, it's good news because the films will look the same and it should be filmed there, just for consistency, but honestly did anyone think they wouldn't be? Put your hand down Guy Who Falls For Got Your Nose.

The other boring news is that James Cameron will be doing Avatar 2 and 3 next.
First off, this is so stupid that he should be forced to have the guy on the right in this picture follow him around during the entire production of these films. "I LOVE THE NAVI SO MUCH I JUST WANT TO BE ONE! Also, I really want Dave Matthews to get back to his roots, you know." Seriously, take off the face paint and that guy looks like the date rapist in a "Law and Order: SVU" episode. Anyway, I don't care to see sequels to these films, and just because he said these are his next movies that doesn't mean anything. Given his track record with his "next" project, we could be waiting until 2024. And by waiting, I mean not caring.

2.) Double-decker Cruise news - Maybe that should read "upper decker" Cruise news because both ideas are kind of stinky. Cristopher McQuarrie, who shall be forever loved in my book because he wrote The Usual Suspects, says that Maverick is the lead in Top Gun 2. That's in direct opposition to rumors that Tom Cruise would only cameo in the film. Is he willing to do a full-on sequel? I mean, I guess so. It's not like he's too big to ignore the possibility now. I can't wait to return to the character of Maverick, who has such a rich tapestry of emotions to demonstrate...like boning hot chicks and being angry. I hope the villain is somehow Meg Ryan. That would be awesome. Oh, and in the second half of this news, Cruise was offered a role in the big screen Rock of Ages, which I'm told is a musical about rock music but sounds like it would give me ear herpes.

Tommy loved that joke. Anyway, I don't know if he can sing (no, no he can't), I don't know if he can dance (no, no he can't), but he may take this because he apparently really wants to sing and dance. Look for his wife to be given some role in it as well, which is great news because she needs to come up for air soon or she'll die.

3.) I want Harley Quinn. My ideas are the best. - You have no idea how much I want to be right about the upcoming plot for The Dark Knight Rises. I know I'm probably not, but hear me out. We know that Chris Nolan is meeting with young actresses. The assumption is Catwoman or a new love interest. The process is so secretive that not even the people auditioning know what they're auditioning for. I so badly want it to be Harley Quinn. Let me tell you how this would work and why it would be awesome.

How it would work: We know that Nolan has said his plan was to have the Joker return in the next film before Heath Ledger died. We know that he won't replace the role. We also know that, within the film, the Joker was HOPING that Batman would kill him at the end. That was part of his end game, trying to make Batman lower himself. I like the idea that there may have been a plot past that. As in, the Joker either had a contingency plan for if Batman only captured him or a next step if Batman killed him. Either way, he's out of the picture, which would mean that he couldn't be the guy doing stuff. So why not have it set up for someone else to take over the Joker's plan. It's reasonable and consistent with the character as presented to believe that he would have seen this coming. Don't make this a revenge movie where his girlfriend takes up his mantle, make this a logical extension of the last film.
Okay, why it's awesome. Because it keeps things consistent, because it lets you play with the themes you wanted to play with, because its unexpected!!! But beyond that, two more good reasons. 1 - It would automatically represent a great female character for Nolan, who has been accused of not having too many of those. 2 - It would avoid the cliches of every other major villain you could think of. I love this idea. I hope that this is actually what's happening even though I'm sure it's not. Nolan, it isn't too late! Make this happen!

4.) Zach Galifianakis gets my dream job - He's going to play with Muppets. We don't know the role, some have speculated he'll just be a voice. We don't know how big that role will be, but he's only going to be involved for a few days of shooting according to rumors. All I know is that his sense of humor is so completely perfect for the off-kilter universe of Muppets that it makes my heart almost as happy as this:

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis: Sean Penn from Between Two Ferns

If this was a daily segment it would be the best part of every day. Anyway, Zacky-G is going to chill with the fuzzy folks. All is right with the world.

5.) Trailers, Parked - Two weird ones for you this week. First up is Rare Exports, a movie that involves a creepy take on Santa. It isn't your goofy slasher Santa movie, but a dark comedic/serious take on the origins of the child judger. Lord does this intrigue me.


Brother's Justice is another mockumentary, and I'm pretty much over them. It looks kind of funny, and I like the folks involved, I just can't really get all that jazzed over anything that looks like this anymore. Oh, I'll probably see it, but I ain't all tingly about it.


Okay, that's it gang. Hopefully a weird week means a great weekend, so let's hook up tomorrow to talk weekend plans. Have a great Thursday.

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Ryan's Junk Drawer

With great junk, comes great responsibility - "Better Off Ted"

Once more I must quote from the terribly racist Asian sidekick Short Round: "No time for love, Doctor Jones." My next 24 hours consists of seeing the midnight show of The Social Network because I missed the screening because I was at speech practice because there's a big speech meet in Manhattan, Kansas this weekend followed by doing the radio show with Steve King at 7:30 tomorrow morning before working all day before driving to Manhattan, Kansas. I'm already tired. Oh, and next week is my brother-in-law's wedding, and I love that kid, so I want to make sure I do everything I can to make things awesome for him.

What I'm saying is, you'll forgive me if my junk is not up to regular standards. If my junk isn't as impressive as usual, it's just that I'm stressed out. This doesn't usually happen to me. I always want you to say "Wow, look at Ryan's junk!" or tell others "You really need to check out Ryan's junk today." But I fear today is one of those days you may look at my junk and say "it's okay, I know you're really busy and you're probably just thinking about something else." Obviously, by junk I mean movie tidbits that are collected here because they don't merit full blog posts. Although, I think you thought I meant something else...

We begin each week by looking at the creepy image of what I believe to be a serial killer's junk drawer from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN. I choose an item, make up a story, laugh at my own story, then nobody ever comments on it again. Today's item is the screw in the middle of the drawer. Gerald was the least funny person in the world. That wasn't a personal belief. There was a poll taken, and the results conclusively demonstrated that if Gerald were to do stand-up comedy next to Pol Pot and Hitler, he would come in third. One day, while he was joylessly enduring his job with coworkers who were saddened by his very presence, he was assembling a metal scaffold. As he was working on his end, he heard a clank down by where all 10 other employees had gathered to tell humorous stories as far from Gerald the Joke Killer as possible. Gerald turned and yelled "What was that?" One employee slowly held up the screw that had fallen. Gerald saw it and was enraged, as per usual. "You think that's not important? You think we can just let parts of this fall out? You'll die if it's not properly constructed. Now get that back were it belongs or we're screwed." It wasn't intentional, nor was it particularly humorous, but at the mere prospect of Gerald making a joke, the gang burst into laughter. Gerald kept that screw forever in his junk drawer, as a reminder of the only joke he ever made, the one everyone laughed at as he fired them.

Okay, enough shenanigans, on to the movie news!!!

1.) "So, why exactly is this mission so impossible, shorty?" - I don't know the plot of Mission Impossible 4...or even the title, as some folks are suggesting they rebrand it something else entirely, a decision suggested by a stupid, stupid person who hates money. What I do know is that there will be naked, heaving bosoms complete with full nipple exposure. How do I know this? Because Josh Holloway, aka Sawyer from "Lost," has been hired as part of Tom Cruise's impossible mission crew. We all know that dude hates wearing a shirt almost as much as Matthew McConaughey, so I imagine he'll have to "seduce an enemy agent" or "disarm a bomb using only his nude abdomen." He's also likely to toss out a few nicknames, just so we remember where we know him from. If he calls Cruise anything from short-stack to Xenu, I'm going to love MI4 an MF-ton.



2.) Finally, someone feels the pull of Gravity - Honestly, I could do a Natalie Portman story every day for the rest of my life and not feel bad about it at all. Hell, I'll make up reasons to put her in this blog. "I just watched a documentary on how quicksand is formed, which reminds me how much I'd love to see Natalie Portman on the beach." I'll do it. Luckily, her agent is giving me better excuses, as the day AFTER we hear her rumored for Lois Lane, we hear she may be in negotiations for Gravity, the project that refuses to die.

I chose this image because it looks like she's being forcibly pulled into this project, which is entirely possible. Having been offered first to Angelina Jolie, then to everything in Hollywood with boobs and v-jay, Nat-Po would have been my first choice anyway. It's a project from an artistic director (Alfonso Cuaron), with an insane amount of screen time for one actress (I could stare at Nat-nat all day) who needs to show a diverse range of emotion (she's playing a possessed ballerina and stars in a stoner comedy set in medieval times later this year...boom, diversity). I'm happy this movie is getting made because I want to see it as much as I want to stop talking about it.

3.) Zemeckis tired of stealing souls - Robert Zemeckis last made a movie when Clinton was in office. Sorry, last made a REAL movie in the pre-Bush era. He did use technology to steal the souls of Anthony Hopkins, Tom Hanks, and Jim Carrey in the meantime. Having finally decided that not EVERY movie he makes needs to be motion capture, the word on the street is that the Z-Dog is returning to using humans in ways that doesn't damn them to hell by shucking their soul from their body using a PC. Supposedly, he's circling Timeless, an "action time-travel movie," which we know nothing about whatsoever...and he considered Superman! Jeez Louise, who HASN'T been offered or considered Superman? Me. That's who. I haven't considered directing Superman. Or, in Hollywood-speak, I've decided to remove my name from consideration. Z-mecks is a good director who made some classic movies, and I hope he returns in full force. Oh, and totally unrelated, but Tom Hanks in Polar Express (one of Z-bone's motion capture soul suckers) totally looks like Vikings coach Brad Childress.


4.) The casting for 360 does make my head spin around - Obviously, when you say your film is a sexytime thriller with an "investigation of sexual urges," then tell me this lady is starring:I'm in. Even if the next name that you put out there to appear in 360, which was based on a play, is a little surprising.
Uh...as near as I can tell, the last bit of acting Eminem did was convincing everyone that "Relapse" was something he was proud of. This isn't to say Slim Shady can't act. He can. I just don't want to see him acting opposite Rachel Weisz...because I'll be jealous of him more than usual. I mean, I can accept that he can headline with Jay-Z while I lack those skills, but if this is about him playing a person who wants to make it with Rachel Weisz, I promise I am more qualified. Whether or not this casting actually occurs, it's weird, right?

5.) Trailers, Parked - This week's trailers are sci-fi-riffic, as we have an emo-teenage alien drama and a "don't look at the light" aliens eating you blockbuster.

I am Number Four was the second work of fiction from James Frey, and the first one called that. It's about aliens who came to earth running from something that has to kill them in a specific order. All fear the evil obsessive-compulsive monster! Also, they are teenagers who seem mopey. That will never catch on.

Skyline looks batshit insane. But like others, I fear that we're seeing all of the effects in the trailers, as the budget was low for this. I think we're being led to believe this is a giant epic slugfest when it's really a low-budget, closed space film. I could be wrong though. And I hope I am, because if this is actually what we're getting, it looks like so much fun.

Okay, that's it for my junk this week. Hope you had fun. See you tomorrow when I am hella tired.

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This Mission just got a whole lot more possibler

Things were looking bad for Tom Cruise. Knight and Day did exactly what you'd expect a generically titled, generically plotted, generically directed light action movie featuring a star on the decline and Cameron "I'm-a kill your movie" Diaz to do. Thus, the studio clutched it's collective sphincter at the prospect of Mission Impossible IV, which really needs to be Mission Impossiblest, just to set the stakes high enough. Nevermind my undying love for the third film or the fact that the fourth one already has Simon Effing Pegg coming back and Brad Flippin' Bird directing, two facts that should make everyone want to see it, the fourth film was in trouble because Cruise wasn't star power enough. Enter Jeremy Renner.
Shown here either (A) checking Julia Stiles for lice, (B) coming out as a cannibal, (C) smelling her head to see if she did, in fact, use his conditioner, or (D) about to get slapped, Renner is about to be a mega-star. Between The Avengers and his Hurt Locker buzz, not to mention what appears to be a good turn in The Town, he's poised to be the next male "thing." Hey, if we've given that title to Gerard Butler, there's no reason Renner can't have it. If the rumors are true and Renner is going to play the younger agent Cruise is training, this could be incredible. I don't want him playing the bad guy, even though I can tell he has that edge to him. What I'm trying to say is this: MI4 is going to kick your ass. I'm calling it now. Believe it or Jeremy Renner will lick your face.

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How can you not love Mission Impossible now?

Good Monday morning to you, fellow weary workers. I don't know for sure about where you live, but here in the middle of America, we're getting set for what may well be the single hottest week of the year! Yippee! Nothing says "put me to work" quite like flop sweat. The good news is, we have something delightful in the way of movie news to share this Monday: THR is reporting that Simon Pegg will be returning for Mission Impossible 4 (provided there is a Mission Impossible 4). You have to know who Mr. Pegg is at this point in our relationship (mine and yours, not mine and his...he won't acknowledge that one). Here's an example of a hilarious quick sketch he did for his old show, just to remind you of how damn funny this man is.


I would love to see him in a bigger role in the new movie. Hell, if Brad Bird is directing, you could go ahead and make Simon Pegg the lead and throw out the Tom Cruise problem. I'd see it 1,000 times (approximately). Honestly, I hope this movie gets made, especially given the fact that JJ Abrams supposedly had some great ideas for the script of this one, a particularly exciting fact for fans of "Alias." God, I miss "Alias" so much it burns inside. That's right, Ben Affleck, my love of your wife gave me this burning sensation. So...you may want to get yourself checked out.

Toppest Gun

The funniest line in Hot Shots, the unnecessary Top Gun spoof, comes when a bunch of pilots climb into their jets for a training session and one of them yells "Come on guys, let's see who's the best!" It's the way he says it that kills me. You could have had just that one scene and it would have effectively mocked Top Gun all that it needed to be mocked. I mean, all it needed to be mocked other than the now well-recognized fact that it was far ahead of its time in terms of mainstream homosexual eroticism.



I think I know a generation of Republican congressmen who grew up watching that movie...you know, for the fight scenes...yeah...the fight scenes. Get excited, closeted self-haters, because MTV.com recently spoke with suddenly struggling super-producer Jerry Bruckheimer (Prince of Persia flopped, Confessions of a Shopaholic flopped, The Sorcerer's Apprentice is just sitting there, waiting to flop). He more or less said that if someone can come up with a reasonable way to do it, there's nothing stopping a Top Gun 2. Considering that Knight and Day was supposed to be the final determining factor of whether or not Tommy boy got his Mission Impossible 4 greenlit (which I so, so, so badly hope happens because I loved the last one and I can't wait to see Brad Bird directing actual humans), and considering it semi-flopped, there's reason to believe the time may be perfect for the two flopping floppers to reunite and correct their floppage. I have to say, I'd be all in favor of a Top Gun 2 (and not just to see how far they could take the volleyball scene in the modern era). The effects have come so far, and it's not like the story was so brilliant, the characters so endearing to us, that we can't imagine sullying them by bringing them back. I say do it. I say Maverick redeems himself and gets his rugged, manly game of topless volleyball on to once more save us all!

Ryan's Junk Drawer

Huzzah, my fellow denizens of this planet! Let us all celebrate staving off the apocalypse long enough to see another Thursday. And trust me, an apocalypse could have happened: The ocean is bleeding, a Chicago sports team won a world championship...I'm predicting a Cthulu appearance any second now. Blissfully, we haven't been sucked into the ether by tentacled demons, which means I can celebrate life and the good that's in the world for another day.

Speaking of good that's in the world, one of the former competitors on the speech team that my wife and I coach, The University of Nebraska at Omaha Mavericks, is looking to start a local business in a small town. Perhaps the positive mojo created by continuing to infuse youthful, new ideas into a smaller community with strong tradition was enough to prevent the global implosion I fear. The business is Cornerstone Coffee, and you should become a fan of their Facebook page by logging in to your account and then clicking on THIS link.

According to Danielle Steen, the former team member I was talking about, Corner Stone isn't just a coffee shop, "we will be home roasting coffee beans and exporting them all over the U.S. We'll be the only roaster in a 200-mile radius giving the town a nice market niche, which will hopefully help boost their economy. So, we'll be selling gourmet ground coffee to businesses and homeowners." The business is proposed as part of a competition for startup money, so your support really will help push the project over the top. It's time to show the assembled might of the Cutting Room readership, if only to prove that we are not to be trifled (or truffled) with! And do it today, because the big presentation is Friday, so it can't wait!

The second momentary pause to recognize goodness: I'm drinking out of a cup commemorating Warren Ellis (the comic book writer, not the musician) and his brilliant twitter greeting of "Good morning, Sinners." This is because my friends Andrew and Jess gave it to me for my birthday (along with some SUH-WEET graphic novels, including a bad-ass one called "Action Philosophers"). Nothing is better than drinking out of a cup that insults you from friends who love you.

Now that we've all felt the love, I can get on to the regular Thursday shenanigans involving juvenile statements about "my junk." By junk, I mean movie tidbits too small to count as full posts, but I primarily use it as a way to make dirty jokes like crazy. For example, I have the only junk you can stare at while at work without getting charged with sexual harassment. We begin each week's installment by looking at the creepy-ass image up top (from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN) and choosing an item about which to compose a nonsensical story because it amuses me (and this is really all about my amusement). Today's item is the blue cylinder with a lightning bolt on it. Although Loki had tried for eons to appropriately shame Thor, the god of Thunder, through various lies and tricks, it had never previously occurred to him that the answer to Thor's defeat was staring him in the face. By simply stealing the hammer-wielder's
curling iron, Loki would ensure that Thor's hair would be flat and limp, damning him to mockery from supervillain and superhero alike. Thus, he chose a particularly humid day and stashed the Norse god's hair device in his junk drawer. Now, all he had to do was wait.

Okay, enough tomfoolery and japery, let's get to some movie nuggets shall we? Here's the top 5 non-story stories for the week!

1.) The ring runs on willpower, not hubris, right? - To assume that Green Lantern will be a slam dunk is a bit presumptuous, even though I'm pretty excited about it. The cast is solid, but not spectacular (Ryan Reynolds rules, and I like the Saarsgaard kid), and the character isn't as much of a household name as men who are Bat, Super, and Spider.
Thus, THR's news that WB has hired the writers of the film (still a YEAR away from release) to begin working on the second one, and to write The Flash, seems a wee bit like USC planning their trip to the Rose Bowl this year. Greg Berlanti, Michael Green, and Marc Guggenheim will begin working on the guy who runs fast and the return of the guy with fancy jewelry post haste. The only one whose work I'm familiar with is Guggenheim, and not just because I've heard a lot about his museum. He wrote a few issues of "Amazing Spider-man" (my least favorite of the current era) and was the show runner for "Flash Forward" briefly (one of the two shows to ever have its season recording pass on my DVR get zapped like a light-addicted fly). The GL script has been in flux (and was the source of my first and likely only breaking news), so I'm not sure why such confidence is being shown. Oh well, another day, another set of comic book movies proceeding. Like the housing market and dot com bubble, one day superhero flicks will pop. I just hope it's not soon.

2.) I don't lie to you - I don't have a great B.S. detector, as I'm still new to this game, but I promise not to deliver crap when I know it's crap just to get you all excited. I don't mind kicking around a rumor I know is bogus provided it's for funsies, but I will not tell you lies. What do I mean? Well, a day or so ago, the internet started passing a rumor around about the next Indiana Jones movie that just sounded like butt droppings. It was about how Indy's next adventure would shoot next year (yeah, right) and would feature the fedora mannequin's trip to the Bermuda Triangle with his son Dagwood (sorry, Mutt), where they would find Atlantis. It was too much crap packed into one tiny tube, and the poo balloon popped not 12 hours later when producer Frank Marshall said on his twitter that it was all crap. I figured. Still, I'm in the vocal minority who wants one more Indy movie done right (which probably means pushing Lucas down a well, but I'm fine with that). I want redemption in the public eye (even though I kind of liked Kingdom of the Crystal Skull at times), and I think there's one more great story in this series. I'm not opposed to Atlantis, but I have another way to go with it. What if they really embraced one transition element in the last film and made this movie something more sci-fi for Indy to deal with. I like the idea that he's so out of his element now that he decides on his own to hang it up. He's the adventurer intellect, not the scientist. Just a theme, not a plot...which I guarantee you is more than anyone over at Lucasfilm has right now.

3.) Yesterday's news made current - That Les Grossman movie I told you about is officially happening. Grossman is the fat-suit character that Tom Cruise crawled inside to become self-deprecating enough for us to like again.

It's going to be bad. You can't sustain the funny when the primary thing people remember about the character is him dancing like an ass to the same song over and over again. Yes, he's hairy and fat, but so is Rush Limbaugh and I don't want him to have a whole movie either. He's a bit character who is funny in spurts. I think they'll discover this at the writing phase and we'll never see the movie happen. At least, I hope so. If not, it's going to be 1.5 hours of a bad fat suit dancing. In other words, there goes the plot for Paul Blart 2.

4.) Ghost-san? - Reuters has an interesting story about how Paramount is approaching the box office lull in America by going to Japan and making a remake of Ghost. It's not for us, it's for a localized Japanese audience. Essentially, this may open the door for a new idea: Regional remaking. See, Hollywood doesn't want to come up with new ideas or creative answers, they want money. What better way to make quick cash than by making regional versions of classic films? Think about it: You make a small investment that requires no research or legwork, capitalize on a known product by making it more appealing to a different group, and count your money. It's brilliant in a terrifying way. Actually, it's no different than the Americanized retellings of foreign films, right? I find this to be a story worth watching, if only for how neglected the American box office may one day become. We may be a dry well now.

5.) Trailers, parked - Okay, I have the weirdest trailer of the year so far for you. Gore Verbinski, who did Pirates (all 3 parts) among other, better things, is making an animated film called Rango that apparently makes no damn sense. Johnny Depp stars as an “chameleon with an identity crisis" and co-stars Isla Fisher, Abigail Breslin, Alfred Molina, Bill Nighy, Harry Dean Stanton, Ray Winstone, and Timothy Olyphant as The Spirit of the West. Oh, and THIS is the trailer for that:

Yep, that's real. Wowza.

The only other thing of note for the week trailer wise is a reminder that we're not done with Harry Potter yet. Almost, but not quite. The two films I'm most anticipating, if only because things will finally happen, are about to hit. Here's the trailer reminding you of that.



Folks, this has been an epic Junk Drawer this week. So enough reading! Get out there and celebrate life!

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Les is more with Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise is dancing on the head of a pin...and it's a freaky, awkward dance he probably thinks is cool. See, people want badly to make declarative statements about things, which is why the world screamed "HIS CAREER IS DEAD" after Cruise's freaky couch jumping (which, by the way, was faaaaaar less creepy than his interview with Matt Lauer) and why everyone wants to declare "TOM CRUISE IS BACK!" now that he's made a few movies and appearances. Consider the following:

• He never really fell off - Mission Impossible III did $134 million domestic and had a worldwide total of nearly $400 million. True, he did have a bomb with Lions for Lambs (only $17 million), but that was Cruise's "art movie" (remember Magnolia and Eyes Wide Shut weren't blockbusters either, and that's when he was TOM CRUISE). He's only done a cameo and one film since then.
• He never really came back - Then again, look at it like this: The only truly big movie he's done since the career hokey pokey he played was Valkyrie, which failed to hit $100 million, even if it was by no means a flop. Yes, his role in Tropic Thunder was well received, but it wasn't instant redemption, as Valkyrie came out afterwards and wasn't gangbusters.

What this means is, there's an awful lot riding on Knight and Day and a lot riding on Cruise's next move, which Devin from Chud.com has seemingly predicted beautifully. Remember that fat-suit cameo from Tropic? Well, it's back.


Cruise confirmed that he and his lackeys, er, associates are praying to Xenu for a way to turn the Les Grossman, foul-mouthed producer/Harvey Weinstein parody, into a full movie. And although I appreciate the self-deprecation angle that Cruise is shooting for, this is a bad idea. Grossman nearly overstayed his welcome during an extended appearance on the MTV Movie Awards. His depth seems to extend to doing a kooky dance and swearing. That's funny at first, when it's shocking, but not when it keeps going. Personally, I like Slashfilm.com's suggestion that Paramount just use Grossman as a fake producer in comedies that somehow involve the entertainment world. It would be far funnier to see Grossman pop up unexpectedly somewhere then to be forcefed his schtick for 120 minutes. We'll see if this ever actually happens. If Mission Impossible IV is as good as I think it can be (yes, I'm serious), he may be TOM CRUISE again (provided Knight and Day goes well), then it's a B-line straight for a role he can get an Academy Award for, something he covets and something he'll be given as a cherry on the top of a redemption sundae when he's famous again. This has been an important message from a guy taking Tom Cruise seriously for a few minutes.

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Impossibler mission is for the Bird

As I've said many, many times before, I don't care that the haters be hatin', I'm stoked about Mission Impossible 4. They bumped the date back this week to December 2011 (moving just a bit outside of that summer frame), but I don't care. That's not the news that made me as giddy as Tom Cruise tells Katie Holmes she's supposed to feel when he tells her to. No, I'm stoked because Brad Bird (The Incredibles, Iron Giant) is making his live-action directing debut. Ya-boo, baby. That news is sweeter than caramel-glazed cotton candy. Bird has shown himself to be adept at guiding character-based action properties, even if they're animated. I have to say that, as a character, I could give a squat about Ethan Hunt (which is the name of the Mission Impossible lead, for those who have never bothered to even learn or remember that). If somehow Bird is able to blend that goofy action with some measure of substance, even if it's fleeting, we're in for something special. And not "Tom Cruise dancing with Katie Holmes" special.



If you can find the whole video, do yourself a favor and invest the three minutes. It could be the most awkward thing you've ever watched, even if you've overheard a discussion between your grandmother and your mother about lady grooming. Point is, I'm stoked about Mission Impossible 4, even if this post failed to stay focused on that point.

This mission just got a hell of a lot more impossibler

There was a time my friends, not so long ago, when Ben Stiller was funny and Tom Cruise was likable. I know, I know, it seems impossible...but it wasn't just impossible...it was a whole lot more impossibler.

Okay, if you skipped that video above because you've seen it before or because it was 6 minutes long, just go to minute mark 2:00 and stay through 3:00. It's worth it. See? Funny, right? Oh to be back in a time before Cruise's "Dawson's Creek" pedophilia and Stiller's Night at the Museum with the Fokkers.

Anyhoodle, I'm taking this walk down impossible mission lane because there has been a major MI4 development, namely everybody and their mother is reporting that Tom Cruise is returning in Mission Impossible 4. Good. Yeah, you heard me. Good. I LOVED Mission Impossible 3. In fact, I'm seriously contemplating buying it on Blu-Ray because I find it so insanely watchable. Now, nobody knows if JJ Abrams will return to direct (he won't), but I hope he helps pen the story. He got how lithe and simple it could be and still be vastly entertaining. What I liked about MI3, beyond the awesome action set pieces and wickedly great pacing, was that the story wasn't about a device that would destroy the world or a terrorist attack that would kill billions. We never knew what the device was the bad guy was after, we just knew (A) he was bad and (B) it was bad for him to have it. What they focused on was that this particular mission was insanely important TO THE CHARACTERS. The stakes were high for the people involved, and that's what matters. If you bring Simon Pegg back and expand his role, make it so that Ethan doesn't have to "go off the grid" and cross his organization like in every Bond movie or spy film ever, and cast a great bad guy (I'm thinking Ryan Gosling), you could make another awesome installment. People just don't appreciate how good Abrams did with that last movie, so I'm going to have to defend it until the day I die. You hear me, world? UNTIL THE DAY I DIE!!!

Ryan's Junk Drawer

I really don't know how I'm going to top yesterday's blog post (right down there) with a faux Megan Fox using the phrase "open dumpage," but I'll throw a bunch of items from this old junk drawer here at it. This week has seemed pretty dead for the most part (really, really not a John Hughes joke), and it seems as though everyone is dragging (even the rumor mongers). So, bear down Chicago Bears, I'm going to stretch these bits of tid as far as I can.

1.) John Hughes is dead and nobody younger than 28 cares - What's sad is that the man so deeply understood what it meant to be a teenager in ANY generation, and yet was relegated to the 80s. He wasn't about pop culture references or social commentary so much as he was focused on delving into the emotional turmoil that teens felt, arguing that it was a good thing (reiterated by the clip that all TV segments have been playing for his death, where Ally Sheedy says "when you grow up, your heart dies"). He got how, well, how f*#ked up being a teen was (noting that at that age, feeling sad was as cool as feeling happy...how true). Everybody over 27 has a favorite Hughes movie, mine is probably Ferris Bueller, but you could make a case for a few others. What's sad is that, as Bryan Lynch pointed out on Twitter, his most recent work included Curly Sue and three Bethooven movies. So, long story short, John Hughes died and it sucks.

2.) Just because I'm excited for Mission Impossible 4 doesn't make me an asshole - Variety is reporting that Josh Applebaum and Andrew Nemec, a couple of guys who worked on the underrated "Alias," are hard at work on the next installment of the MI series and yeah, jerks, I'm excited. Look, the third one kicked ass and played like a big-budget, bad-ass version of "Alias." It had everything that I want in a spy/action film (including Simon Pegg), so I don't get where the bashing of the series is coming from (other than from people who still think Tom Cruise deserves it...I've decided that 5 years of public verbal whippings is enough, personally). So, yeah, I am excited gosh-darn-it, and I hope that JJ Abrams directs it (even though he won't) and if he doesn't I hope he uses his clout to let "Lost" vet and "Alias" helmer Jack Bender take a crack at it. Don't photoshop a "Team Tom" shirt on me, but I've got my fingers crossed on this one.

3.) "Fraggle Rock" was terrifying, and if you don't agree, you're a monster - If you have been wondering why we haven't gotten a "Fraggle Rock" movie yet, (A) you're a sick bastard and (B) we're going to. According to MTV, Brian Henson (son of the muppets, not the former "Talk Soup" host) is moving forward on the Fraggle front and plans to ramp up the music numbers (oh, goodie, my sleepless nights thank you). He also declares the Dark Crystal sequel still alive, which is the one thing more freaky than the thought of a "Fraggle Rock" movie. Oh, I love muppets, don't get me wrong, but those bizarre humanoids in Dark Crystal and the talking trash heap in "Fraggle Rock" are what I would flash to if I were to use poorly cut acid. So, rejoice sickos, you're about to get two helpings of crazy shit. Oh, and visual proof of terror (the ACTUAL image they ran on the MTV blog, from Dark Crystal)



Yeah, sleep now, jerks.

4.) This one is for my best friends in Chicago, nobody else will care - I mean, I suppose it's possible that one or two of you out there have a sick fascination with Thomas Pynchon like my friends Andrew and Jess, but I doubt it. The dude is a recluse that vomits pretty words of nonsense onto paper and people go apeshit for his stuff. According to Slashfilm.com, who got it from The Playlist, who noticed an interesting line in the Wall Street Journal’s piece about Pynchon's new novel "Inherent Vice:" “The Creative Artists Agency in Los Angeles is handling film rights.” Huhbuhwha?! I mean, for reals? Somebody is going to try to adapt that? How does one even BEGIN to adapt a Pynchon novel (without the benefit of serious antipsychotic medication). I mean...good luck to whoever tries but let's face it, it ain't gonna happen.

5.) It's VoD Day (victory over douches)! - Although I have a friend who knew this information weeks ago and failed to pass it along (harumpf), Ben Lyons and Ben Mankiewicz are no longer TV stars. The douchey duo are out at "At the Movies," which is a good thing. The only bad thing is that there are no plans to bring back Ebert at all (you will one day be judged in hell for this, producers). The new duo is AO (Tony) Scott of the The New York Times and Miuchael Phillips of the The Chicago Tribune (neither one really does anything for me...I mean it, I've asked). They still can't use "thumbs" to review things, as Ebert and Siskel wisely patented that, but rest assured they will find some insipid, pithy way of summarizing their feelings. My feeling: BRING BACK EBERT! Hell, bring him back as some kind of host, just bring him back. "At the Movies" without Ebert is like showering in high-school gym class without shame, it just doesn't feel right.

Okay, that's the news we missed this week (wasn't much, was it), I'll be back with some Haiku box office predictions for you shortly. Until then, try to be productive, the boss is looking.