Ryan's Junk Drawer

With great junk, comes great responsibility - "Better Off Ted"

I swear to you it feels like I was just talking about my junk yesterday. Oh, don't get me wrong, my junk is almost always on my mind, but since I save public discussion on the subject for just one day a week, it is odd that it seems like I was just telling everyone about it. This could be a function of me having been in a wedding-induced time warp from Thursday of last week until Tuesday of this week, a time-warp made of whiskey, beer, and bad decisions, or it could just be a function of me not being particularly smart. The jury's still out.

Now, as you know by this point, I use the term "junk" to refer to the various tidbits and nuggets that I compile once a week in lieu of composing four or five separate blog posts. I also use the term because it pleases the fifth grader that still lives inside my brain and laughs anytime someone says the word "duty," as in "You have a duty here." Heehee. We always kick off by looking at the image above that is clearly a serial killer's junk drawer, an image taken from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN. I pick an object from said image, write a goofy story about it, then shuffle along like nothing happened. Why? Tough to say, really. I'm going with massive head injury at some point that I've forgotten about, probably due to the massive head injury.

Today's item is the white light in the upper middle. Ryan had been trying very hard to work lately, but he was suffering from creative constipation. Sadly, although there are thousands of medications to help raise "other" types of "junk," there are zero prescriptions designed around unblocking the blocked creative artery. Suddenly, Ryan realized that there was something else at work, something far more sinister. Quickly, he jumped up, ran to the junk drawer...and there it was: his inspiration. Someone had taken it from its normal resting place between his ears and relocated it to the junk drawer. With the creative constipation gone, everything returned to its normal flow.

Now, enough chicanery, let's get to it!

1.) Comic book movie-related reptile news (volume one) - We reported earlier this week (he says as though he wasn't beaten to the punch by every news organization and several kids at whatever school you attend) that Rhys Ifans had been hired on to play the villain in Spider-reboot. We didn't know which villain, but I assured you it wouldn't be the Lizard as some had speculated because the budget was too small to allow for an entirely CGI character, which is what that would entail. I couldn't promise which villain, but knew it wouldn't be that one. It wasn't going to be the Lizard. It's the Lizard. At least, that's what's being reported on various places across the Internets. Then again, those same places had Emma Stone a "lock" for Mary Jane, when she was actually cast as Gwen Stacy. Is it possible that this is right? Absolutely. Is it stupid. Yep. Because of the budget, he may end up looking like this:

But worse than that, the character doesn't make a lot of sense as a foundational bad guy if they're doing a full-on origin story. Unless they aren't. Unless they're doing a reboot that only resets everything back to a reasonable level. What if they're in college, not high school (this rumor has been circulating too), and what if we just see Peter as Spider-man already? We basically reset the cast and location, but maybe do the "origin" as a flashback? The Lizard still doesn't make much sense there, but it works better. Is this true? Have I cracked some kind of code? Is there going to be more than one villain thus negating any significance of this anyway? No one knows anything at this point. So, let's just continue with wild speculation because it's fun.

2.) Comic book movie-related reptile news (volume 2) - Tom Hardy is your bad guy in Batman 3. Actually, that's not even confirmed. Jeezaloo do we speculate like mad. Tom Hardy, the buff and cool guy from Inception, is going to appear as SOMEONE in Batman 3, which I'm guessing will be called The Dark Knight Returns even if it doesn't actually follow that storyline because marketing will want them to capitalize on the brand recognition of the last movie. Mark Millar, professional liar and comic book hobbyist, has suggested that he's playing a bad guy and then specified what bad guy Hardy would be.
Killer Croc. As much as I trust Millar, which is not one bit at all on anything, this seems to be nonsense. Or does it? The original incarnation of Killer Croc was as a shadowy mafia figure, which does fit into the world that's been created on screen thus far. Plus, if there are two villains this time, it would be a nice balance to have the physically imposing, visually striking Croc-based character along with The Riddler, who is the obvious choice for the other baddie. Let me just toss this one out there: (A) It's not reasonable to have two major superhero sequels both use lizard-based bad guys. (B) Is it possible that some wires were crossed and that The Lizard ISN'T in the Spidey reboot but Killer Croc was what was being spoken of? (C) This is a really weird news week. Really reptilian. I don't like it.

3.) WTF? Mo MIBs? - The cast for MIB3 keeps getting better. Yeah, I know, I'm shocked too. In addition to the obligatory Smithage and expected Jonesing, we're getting Josh Brolin and Emma Thompson. That would be significant, but now comes word that we're getting a triumvirate of interesting.

We've got Sharlto Copely, Alec Baldwin, and Gemma "Yum Yum" Arterton all signing on for some level of involvement. Obviously, Gemma is there to entice, Sharlto is there because he's now synonymous with aliens, and Baldwin is there to bring the funny. Are these cameos? Are they actual roles? Could this be the good film in the series that finally capitalizes on the limitless potential of the franchise? Will I ever answer any of the questions I am relentlessly asking today?

4.) Good news for, um, volleyball enthusiasts - They're still trying to do some measure of Top Gun 2. Right now the plan is to have a small role for Tom Cruise (get it, because he's a wee person), but that can be expanded if he's interested. If I were him...whoa, let's not go there. The number of things I would do are just overwhelming. Let's just say he should do this, and not just because the gay community really, really wants more volleyball from Top Gun.



He should agree because his career needs a lift. If Sylvester Stallone can will The Expendables to $100 million, Cruise should easily vault that mark with a Top Gun sequel and declare himself back on top. And by back on top, I refer you again to that volleyball scene.

5.) Trailers, parked - These trailers aren't that exciting. I'm only putting them here because that's what I'm expected to do. I'm not happy about it.

The Way Back is Peter Weir's directorial return and involves the Gulag. It looks standard and predictable. I told you this wasn't overwhelming.


Blue Valentine does look very, very, very good, so I shouldn't have said it was underwhelming. It features Michelle Williams, who doesn't get enough respect, and Ryan Gosling, who I thought was dead given his on-screen absence. It got an NC-17 for some reason involving sex, but that will change because it has a chance at acting Oscars. I apologize for saying I wasn't thrilled about this movie. I just didn't get excited to show you the trailer is all.

Okay, that's it for my junk. Until next time, which I'm sure will feel like tomorrow, I bid you adieu. Oh, and let's meet up tomorrow to talk about the weekend, okay?

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Ryan's Ketchup

Read this column or I'll haunt your fridge

I have two versions of this opening joke.

If you're in Omaha, this is yours: "Just when you thought you were rid of me forever, I have roared back from the dead to remind you that you're never really done with me! I'm the Hal Daub of blogs!" If you're anywhere else, just substitute Newt Gingrich in for that politician reference.

Since last we spoke I (A) saw my Brother-in-Law finally marry his beautiful wife, (B) drank twice my body weight in liquor over 3 days, ensuring that I will never drink again, and (C) have become so exhausted that if there were gun to my head demanding an answer, I'd have to ask to see a calendar to tell you for sure what day it was.

In an effort to save my sanity, I'm doing just one post today, but I'm doing it epic-style, in one huge Catch-up (get it, Ketchup) column.

Here is all the news I missed over the weekend through Monday.

1.) There's no Jason Bourne in the next Jason Bourne movie - In a great move, Tony Gilroy has turned in a script for The Bourne Legacy, which does not feature Jason Bourne. Interesting approach, not including the title character of your franchise in the next movie in your franchise, but it may make sense. Apparently the plot will allow room for more of Jason Bourne himself down the road, but will broaden the "world" that he lives in by exploring more of the espionage and intrigue that surrounds his existence. Presumably the action will still be shot and cut so crazy it remains incomprehensible.

2.) I'm GLAAD we solved that - When I saw a preview for The Dilemma, I was friggin' appalled. Not just because Vince Vaughn's schtick is the only thing more tired than I am.

Although, seriously dude, stop it. No, what was appalling was two-fold: First, that nobody has hobbled Ron Howard yet. His name on a production sheet should come with an asterisk that reads "may cause mental diarrhea and vomiting." His hacktastic hackitude is ridonkulous. Second, the first thing in the joyless, soulless trailer (of a movie that features KEVIN JAMES for the love of God), is a "that's gay" joke. Really? Really? It's 2010, you idiotic douchenozzles! Assuming there was a script, how did that joke even stay in there? Thankfully, GLAAD stepped in and dropped the hammer, prompting Paramount to pull the joke from the trailer and the movie. Score one for progress. Now, if only they had shelved this entire abomination altogether. I have no respect for anyone associated with this film. Period.

3.) Technically, lying is a sin - Okay, Robert Rodriguez is challenging Mark Millar for the title of "lie shaped like a human." Nevermind that he's been circling Deadpool like a vulture or that his list of possible next projects grows daily, let's just focus on how he's said that Sin City 2 was coming for the last five years.

He SWEARS it's his next project after the next Spy Kids movie, but if you believe him, I think perpetual football misser Charlie Brown is the only creature more gullible than you are. Do we even need a Sin City 2 now? I mean, the first one was groundbreaking in a lot of ways, but it wouldn't be anymore. Okay, if they get Jessica Alba back to strippin', it may be vital. It's just not going to happen no matter what RR says.

4.) Your new Spidey baddie is.... - Well, technically, we don't know who he is but we know who he is. What do I mean? Well we know that this is the bad guy:
That's Rhys Ifans, and apart from having the weirdest spelled name in the world and looking like a a stretched out Ron Stewart, he's kind of fun. The speculation has gone three major places: (1) The Vulture - He's lanky, he's bird-looking, and the Vulture WAS the villain in the last known script that was scuttled for this one. (2) Electro - One of the remaining villains that may look cool on screen, provided they change him out of his green-and-yellow footie pajamas that he wears in the comics. (3) Venom - The least likely choice, but the studio knows that Venom is the most profitable bad guy in terms of merch and popularity.

My guess? Probably the Vulture, but I wouldn't rule out either Kraven or The Chameleon. Why? Low budget. The film only has an $80 million budget and is shooting 3D. The effects would be less necessary for the villain if you go with someone who doesn't have massive powers. Personally, I think Venom is out because of that reason alone. Could be the Lizard, but I think he's out for that same reason. Oh, and incidentally, just make the damn movie already. The only thing I've done more than report on rumored casting for this movie is make jokes that only I find funny.

6.) Flash news! - I don't know why they insist on making a new Flash movie when we already have the amazing 1990s TV series.
I loved that show when I was younger...because I used to like things that were terrible. Now comes word that the script for the new movie version is due by the end of this year and that Bradley Cooper is in the lead to play the fast-runner who runs fast...and that's about it. Cooper seems like a good fit, even though he also seems like kind of a jerk. I have nothing to go on there, just a gut feeling, but this is a blog so I don't have to fact check or use real information or anything.

7.) Super lie - I'm not spending much time on this one. Someone supposedly saw Brad Pitt around where Super 8 is shooting, suggesting he may have a secret cameo. It's filming in a small town. So what is far more likely is that someone who looks something near what Brad Pitt looks like was around town. Incidentally, even looking somewhat like Brad Pitt probably rules, so don't feel bad guy-who-just-started-a-false-rumor.

8.) Jackasses return in front of Jackass - The return has been...anticipated?
That's right, the dynamic douche duo is back...sort of. The animated pair will be talking about 3D to kick off the 3D extravaganza that is dudes doing things with poo and harming their genitals! Jackass 3D will feature an animated opening with these knuckleheads, which is great news to a few people who confuse nostalgia for quality.

9.) Danny B to hit up a sequel - Danny Boyle doesn't like repeating himself...and so repeating himself may be a way to not repeat himself. What do I mean? Well the director hops genres with nearly every film but has never made a sequel. Now comes word that he's considering returning to the world set up by my favorite true horror movie ever.
Great pic from Slashfilm by the way. We don't think it will be 28 Months Later, and we don't know the idea that prompted Danny B to consider actually directing it himself, but let me be the first to say how excited I am. The prospect of a great director returning to do a horror sequel is just drool-inducing. I'm a big fan of this potential load of malarky, considering I can't actually see him agreeing to do this.

10.) Because this is how all posts should end -

Christopher Lambert may be in Ghost Rider 2. Also, he may be in your garage right now. I'd check.

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