Dear Lord in Heaven, I'm buying the Twilight Soundtrack

In what can only be described as the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life, the track list for the new Twilight movie has been released, and it is....totally awesome? No, that's not sarcasm as much as I wish it was. I know, it hurts so bad I don't know what to do about it. It's as though someone has been reading my mean-spirited commentary on the franchise and decided to feed me my just dessert by making a product that I simply MUST have with the picture of....those people on it. Here's the list.

1. Death Cab For Cutie – Meet Me On The Equinox
2. Band Of Skulls – Friends
3. Thom Yorke- Hearing Damage
4. Lykke Li – Possibility
5. The Killers - A White Demon Love Song
6. Anya Marina – Satellite Heart
7. Muse - I Belong To You (New Moon Remix)
8. Bon Iver and St. Vincent – Rosyln
9. Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Done All Wrong
10. Hurricane Bells – Monsters
11. Sea Wolf – The Violet Hour
12. Ok Go- Shooting The Moon
13. Grizzly Bear - Slow Life
14. Editors – No Sound But The Wind
15. Alexandre Desplat – New Moon (The Meadow)

AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHH! What the hell?! My favorite non-U2 band (Death Cab) has the first song...THOM YORKE is on there...Muse? Black Rebel Motorcycle Club? What is happening? This is the worst news I've had since hearing "No, Brett Favre can still move all of his appendages." Are you telling me that I share something with the millions of people who swear by this series? At the very least, we have common ground in terms of music? I feel like Darth Vader just told me I was his son. I'm going to go wallow now, but before I go, here's a funny and well-illustrated cartoon that is mocking Twilight...a franchise I'm going to buy merchandise from. Weep for me.

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Twilight forces me to reevaluate my favorite musicians

You have to give it to Twilight, it is taking the art of sucking to levels that previously had only been achieved by mid-90s rappers and ex-girlfriends. I generally treat any news from the series like close relatives fornicating: I know it's happening, but I'm going to hide from it like my sanity depends on it (because it does). But then Slashfilm.com turned me on to a Rotten Tomatoes article that I swear to God I only glanced at long enough to find the related information I needed (and even that was too long, as I got a peak at what I presume is the "werewolf pack" in the film standing together in shirtless, non-werewolf form, in which they look like they're standing in line for a Banarama reunion or starring in a new ad for "Le Douche," a cologne that smells of flop sweat and desperation). In this article, the following was spoken by Chris Weitz, director of the next installment of the series (and, as such, total asshole): When speaking of who is included in the next soundtrack, Weitz said "The criterion will still always be what's right for the movie at that given moment, but Thom Yorke is interested; we might, if we're very lucky, get Kings of Leon to do something." Wow...just...wow. I just did my "25 things I'd rather do than (fill in the blank)" installment, but allow me to give you my top 5 reactions to this news:

1.) I hereby demote Kings of Leon to Princes of Excrement.
2.) The other members of Radiohead, who collectively weigh 73 pounds soaking wet and must use their combined might to open a jelly jar, are going to beat the shit out of Thom Yorke.
3.) I would like to hereby change the term "selling out" to "Yorke-ing a Leon."
4.) This means 20 million tween girls are going to own the same music I do.
5.) At least I now have a bar to measure disappointment against. "Oh, it's bad, but it isn't Thom Yorke doing Twilight music bad."

I love, deeply love, both Yorke and Leon, so this news is like finding a copy of one of these novels on my wife's side of the bed. This is going to take awhile to get over, people. Happy Monday.