Weekend Box Office Results: Avatarded

James Cameron, king of the world, is not the king of weather patterns. If he was more like Storm from the X-men and less like the douche who runs The Gap at the mall and thinks he has some immeasurable amount of power, he would have been able to stave off the Eastern snowstorm that probably took a good $5-10 million from his total. The numbers would have been records, and everyone would be squawking about how "Jimmy boy has done it again." I mean, it did nearly $250 million worldwide opening weekend, so I think he's okay, but do remember that the film doesn't earn a dime (allegedly) until he doubles that. I sincerely believe that Jim's next "leap forward" in technology will likely be a weather controlling device now.

Here's how the weekend went (haiku style):

1.) Avatar - $77 million (Accuracy of prediction - 98.5%)

That's a huge number
But it should have been huger
Will they go...again?

2.) The Princess and the Frog - $12 million (Accuracy of prediction - 71%)

Hey, what's going on?
This is SUCH a great movie.
You saw Ice Age 3?!?!!?!

3.) The Blind Side - $10 million (Accuracy of prediction - 85%)

This film just won't stop.
Double digits every week.
Bullock owns us all.

4.) Did You Hear About the Morgans? - $7 million (Accuracy of prediction - 64.5%)

Bye bye SJP.
Beyond "Sex and the City"
You are just worthless.

5.) Twilight: New Moon - $4.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 0%)

No, no, no, no, no
How is this still happening?
Twilight ruins it ALL!

Overall accuracy of prediction - 63.8%

A dreadful outing.
I can only blame Twilight...
for so very much

Sorry it was late guys!

Weekend Box Office Results: My dead heart feels joy

I've had a rough few weeks for being chipper. Between car troubles, a schedule that has prevented Christmas preparation, and now a plumbing leak, I'm ready to off Cindy Lou Who with a hatchet. Yet, it brings my cold, dead Heston-esque heart joy to see that The Princess and the Frog is the number one movie this week. How pleasing that a sweet, hand-drawn tale claimed the crown (and will hopefully keep raking in money). Why, it's enough to make one want to pen poetry.

Here are the results (haiku style):

1.) The Princess and the Frog - $25 million (Accuracy of prediction - 80%)

This is a classic,
for once Disney didn't err
when it came to race!

2.) The Blind Side - $15 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

You can't stop Sandra.
You can only contain her.
This is her world now.

3.) Invictus - $9 million (Accuracy of prediction - 65%)

Nelson Mandela?
Clint Eastwood and Matt Damon?
How is this not first?

4.) Twilight: New Moon - $8 million (Accuracy of prediction - 94%)

Last week...THE LAST WEEK!
I will suffer no longer.
Be gone vile movie.

5.) A Christmas Carol - $6.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 96%)

It just keeps going.
I'll never be free of this.
But it's not New Moon!!!!

Overall Accuracy of Prediction - 85%

Not a bad outing.
I oft overestimate.
I'm an optimist.

Okay, that's it, I'm off to fix leaks and cry.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

If there's a skip in my step and a wiggle in my waggle, it's only because this is probably the last week Twilight: New Moon will be haiku captured. That's right, as of next week, we return to 100% angstwolf/bipolarvamp free coverage...can I get an AMEN? This week also sees the return of Disney's hand-drawn animation and Morgan Freeman as Nelson Mandela. It's about as inspiring a weekend as ever has been seen. Rejoice, movie fans, the time is now for awesome!

Here's how I see it, haiku style:

1.) The Princess and the Frog - $35 million

Ah, my youth RETURNS!
Goofy songs, hand-drawn cartoons...
I am so happy.

2.) Invictus - $18 million

Hey, Morgan Freeman,
be like Nelson Mandela,
in your REAL life, too.

3.) The Blind Side - $15 million

This is a monster.
It may make 200 mil
Suck on that, Twilight.

4.) Twilight: New Moon - $7 million

For now, it leaves us.
But the series is not done.
Oh, it will return.

5.) A Christmas Carol - $6 million

This movie lingers,
like unwanted Christmas guests.
It's time to go home.

WILDCARD - Brothers - $5.5 million

I love Natalie.
She is everywhere right now.
It's still not enough.

That's it gang. Have a good weekend!

Weekend Box Office Results: The reign of terror is finally over

We live in a new world today, my bloggies. If you feel like you're no longer weighed down by an invisible but incredibly obese squirrel perched on your shoulder, that's because Twilight: New Moon is no longer the number one movie in America. How bad is this franchise? I'm excited that a movie in which Sandra Bullock's Southern accent sounds like a grade-school paste eater trying to pronounce "broccoli" with rocks in his mouth is now number one.

Rejoice with me as the ancients did...with haiku:

1.) The Blind Side - $20 million (Accuracy of prediction - 98%)

Some facts are just facts.
This is Sandra Bullock's world.
We just live in it.

2.) Twilight: New Moon - $15 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

Dropping like a rock,
this reign of terror is done.
But, yes, it still hurts.

3.) Brothers - $9.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 67%)

Better than I thought.
Why did I doubt Natalie?
Can you forgive me?

4.) A Christmas Carol - $8 million (Accuracy of prediction - 0%)

I say BAH HUMBUG!
The Muppet take is better.
Michael Caine's Scrooge rules.

5.) Old Dogs - $7 million (Accuracy of prediction - 95%)

We're one week closer
to forgetting this exists.
I can't wait for that.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 70%

If Santa's watching,
yes, this result was naughty.
It wasn't my fault.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

You know, even though I was busy scampering around the countryside of Decatur, Nebraska last Friday, gathering wood to help heat my father-in-law's house (yep, for real), my heart was wondering what my haikus might have looked like for the week. I pondered whether people were sitting in front of their computers, crying and gnashing their teeth, begging for some glimpse into the future, demanding pithy comments about whether or not Twilight would continue it's domination. That daydreaming ended when I dropped a giant log on my knee. It hurt less than watching Twilight (zing!).

Here are this week's predictions (haiku style, yo):

1.) The Blind Side - $21 million

Sandra's biggest yet!
We all know the real hero:
Mr. Tim McGraw.

2.) Twilight: New Moon - $18 million

Let's face some facts, gang.
Nobody cares what I think,
with money like this.

3.) Armored - $10 million

I will not see this.
But armadillo jokes rule.
Get it? It's "armored."

4.) 2012 - $8 million

The world ends like this.
Not as is seen IN the film,
but because of it.

5.) Old Dogs - $7.5 million

Best. Review. Ever.
Quote: If this was a person,
then I would stab it.

WILDCARD - Brothers - $7 million

Oh, no, Natalie.
I love you so much, but...why?
Why did you do this?

Okay gang, that's it. Enjoy holiday shopping madness and maybe a little sleep mixed in (not for me, but you know, maybe for you).

Weekend Box Office Results: Twilight - 2, Humanity - 0

Wow, I knew that it would be big...I had no idea it would be THIS big. Posting a record opening day (more than $70 million), the business did dramatically drop off (so it didn't beat Batman's opening total take). Still, New Moon proved that this series is going to be one of the most profitable ever. This is a good and bad thing: Good because I do like the studio Summit for the most part (other than that whole ram-rodding Catherine Hardwicke thing); bad because that's what the movies are. At least it will take the record of least-deserving-top-grossing franchise away from the Star Wars prequels. Oh, quick programming note: Today, tomorrow, and Wednesday will be regularly blogged...I'm out Thursday and Friday. You'll live.

Here's the results (haiku style):

1.) Twilight New Moon - $140.7 million (Accuracy of prediction - 83%)

There's no stopping this.
Well, maybe spreading rumors?
It gives you herpes!!

2.) The Blind Side - $34.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 63%)

Holy crap, Sandra!
This is a huge year for you!
Enjoy it....FOR NOW!!!!

3.) 2012 - $26.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 87%)

It's a hit for John!
Not that he's the main star here.
The main star is death.

4.) Planet 51 - $12.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 82%)

I will forget this
As soon as the week is out
What was I saying?

5.) A Christmas Carol - $12 million (Accuracy of prediction - 75%)

This is fading fast
Scrooge has no staying power.
A Viagra ad?

Overall accuracy of prediction - 78%

This was a down week
And not just thanks to Twilight
Although it does suck.

That's it for Monday, happy short week everybody!

Fearless, flawless box office predictions

I wonder what's going to be number one at the box office this weekend? You know, they should really just run the damn Twilight movie for two weeks and put it on DVD. EVERYONE who wants to see it is going to see it right away and then the audience is going to dry up faster than...there's just no good way to end that metaphor. Anyway, people are projecting more than $100 million this weekend, which won't happen. The midnight showings will set records, Friday will likely be a record, and then it will sharply drop as everyone who wants to see it will have seen it. I'm not looking forward to like 5 weeks of having to make poetry about Twilight, but them's the breaks. Let's get round one over with. Also, let's all agree not to call it the "Twilight Saga." It's not important enough to get a saga, it can only get a sag.

Here's how I see it (haiku style):

1.) Twilight: New Moon - $93 million

Vampire love is back
You women deserve better
It makes my eyes bleed.

2.) 2012 - $25 million

No plot. No story.
No characterization.
Better than Twilight.

3.) The Blind Side - $16 million

Oh, Sandra Bullock,
That's not a southern accent.
That's Foghorn Leghorn.

4.) A Christmas Carol - $15.5 million

What's next for Carrey?
Another Christmas movie?
Why not. No one cares.

5.) Planet 51 - $15 million

Barely heard of this
and I'm a huge movie nerd.
That doesn't bode well.

WILDCARD - Precious - $8.5 million

This is not a sprint
It's a marathon release
It will keep going.

That's it this week, gang. Have a good, restful weekend. I know I need one!

Dear Lord in Heaven, I'm buying the Twilight Soundtrack

In what can only be described as the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life, the track list for the new Twilight movie has been released, and it is....totally awesome? No, that's not sarcasm as much as I wish it was. I know, it hurts so bad I don't know what to do about it. It's as though someone has been reading my mean-spirited commentary on the franchise and decided to feed me my just dessert by making a product that I simply MUST have with the picture of....those people on it. Here's the list.

1. Death Cab For Cutie – Meet Me On The Equinox
2. Band Of Skulls – Friends
3. Thom Yorke- Hearing Damage
4. Lykke Li – Possibility
5. The Killers - A White Demon Love Song
6. Anya Marina – Satellite Heart
7. Muse - I Belong To You (New Moon Remix)
8. Bon Iver and St. Vincent – Rosyln
9. Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Done All Wrong
10. Hurricane Bells – Monsters
11. Sea Wolf – The Violet Hour
12. Ok Go- Shooting The Moon
13. Grizzly Bear - Slow Life
14. Editors – No Sound But The Wind
15. Alexandre Desplat – New Moon (The Meadow)

AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHH! What the hell?! My favorite non-U2 band (Death Cab) has the first song...THOM YORKE is on there...Muse? Black Rebel Motorcycle Club? What is happening? This is the worst news I've had since hearing "No, Brett Favre can still move all of his appendages." Are you telling me that I share something with the millions of people who swear by this series? At the very least, we have common ground in terms of music? I feel like Darth Vader just told me I was his son. I'm going to go wallow now, but before I go, here's a funny and well-illustrated cartoon that is mocking Twilight...a franchise I'm going to buy merchandise from. Weep for me.

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Weekly Wrap-Up: Disappointment, Despair, and Diagrams

What a week we've had, huh? Let's hit the highlights before calling it quits:

• Here's the only Venn diagram I'll likely ever make.
• No THIS is the worst idea ever.
• New Moon has an infomercial apparently starring a charming young gay soft-core porn star.
• You should read David Eggers's "Where the Wild Things Are" excerpt.
• This would be so cool if it were true!
• Avatar disappointed me. I bet Jim Cameron doesn't even care.
• Everybody loves haikus.

Have a great weekend everybody, here's hoping Brett Favre gets hurt on his first preseason snap (Go BEARS!)

Ryan's Junk Drawer

Hey there kids and kid-like grown-ups, it's time for that weekly dive into the treasure chest that is my junk drawer (ignore the smell, I can't Febreeze it out). There's a few tantalizing tidbits (including the second major trailer release of the day...this one not featuring ridiculous CGI, blue, genital-free hippies), so let's get junkin'.

Here are the top 5 items that weren't important enough to get a full post this week:

1.) Can Twilight On Ice be far behind? - Of all the terrible dialogue involved in Twilight (seriously, the lion/lamb thing was written by a love-sick third grader, I promise), the worst may be: Coming to your town. Creation Entertainment is putting on a series of Twilight-specific conventions, so that those nerds and regular nerds will never have to accidentally bump into each other. Side note - We need a PSA on how nerd-on-nerd crime is the worst kind. We're better than this people...okay, I'm not, but maybe you are. The conventions will be held across the country (the closest to these parts is Chicago) and will feature supporting actors, ridiculous memorabilia, and tons of freaky middle-aged women. Enjoy!

2.) Hey, it's the Wolfman, Jack! - If you can't buy the hirsute Benicio Del Toro as a wolfman, you just can't buy that anyone can turn into a wolf, which is reasonable. For the record, I now want to see this more than Avatar, despite the fact that it looks like ridiculous shenanigans. How can you not love Anthony Hopkins and Hugo Weaving in a movie where Del Toro eats people's faces. That's just good family fun.



3.) Inception interception! - If you haven't heard of Inception, you will soon, because it is directed by Christopher Nolan (he did some stupid movie about clowns and dudes with scary S&M voices) and it stars everyone you've ever heard of (Leo DiCaprio, Michael Caine, Ellen Page, Marion Cotillard, Joseph Gordon Levitt...okay, most of the people you've heard of). Until now, what has been known is that it is a "sci-fi thriller that takes place in the architecture of the mind," which sounds like batshit crazy speak. The gang at Slashfilm did some recon work, came up with a few glimpses at the teaser trailer and combined it with a post at Rotten Tomatoes and may have the answer for what it is actually about: SPOILER ALERT (although, at some point they do have to tell us this info...so it isn't like a total spoiler but you've been warned) The movie may be about technology that allows people to enter each other's minds (think The Matrix) and plant information there. Supposedly the trailer features a sideways fight "inside the mind." Sounds good to me. Count me in (as if I wasn't already...dude made Memento and The Dark Knight, both of which are on the top 20 films of the last decade).

4.) Robert Zemeckis lowers himself - This should probably be a big post, but I don't care. Zemeckis is making a motion capture remake of The Yellow Submarine, so you can get freaked out to good music in all 3 dimensions. I like the Beatles, but that technology is some crazy shit. On the plus side, stoners around the world now have a movie to start getting really, really high for.

5.) Go off to see the Wizard - Yep, it's back. In theaters in Hi-Def for one night and one night only (until they do it again), you can go see the Wizard of Oz just like your grandparents did! Only you'll pay more than a nickel.



For ticket information in your location, head to here. Admit it, this excites you...and not just because of your bizarre "tin man" fetish.

That's it for this week's junk, see ya tomorrow!