Bride of Superfuntime Giant Orgy of Comic-con news!!!

Happy Monday (nofunday) to you all. After a weekend so full that I now need some kind of two-day break to rest in order to work properly, I'm groggy but ready to fight my way into productivity at any cost (as long as the cost is really low). What better place to start a week that has me longing for vacation than with a wrap-up of the comic-con? Oh, yeah, you're right: A better place to start would be from the comfort of my bed four hours of sleep from now, but just like my Cubs getting their act together long enough to sweep the Cardinals or me respecting Sarah Palin, that shit's just not going to happen. But whatever, they don't call me Mr. Flexible for nothing (or at all). Like I said on Friday, here's the wrap-up of the remaining convention news, oh but two quick caveats: (1) Most of the "news" that breaks at the con isn't really news, it's mostly just tiny revelations about projects we've been ogling for ages now, which doesn't always make the sexiest write-ups even if they hit hard in person. Unless it's a description of Natalie Portman, in which case, I'm writing that up immediamente, yo. (2) These days, 90% of the footage in terms of clips and trailers that they show over the weekend at the con arrive on the interwebs within, like, a day. So instead of running descriptions from people, I'm going to wait to run the actual clips. It's kind of like waiting to actually kiss a girl to see how you like it instead of asking someone who kissed her to describe it. This is good advice I'm giving. I should charge more.

Okay, here are some things I learned secondhand from the con:

1.) It's really, truly happening - Give this much to Marvel: For all the douchey contracts, the trail of bad blood being generated behind the scenes, and the general mayhem that seems to surround the making of some projects, they are a scant few months away from giving the world the greatest superhero team ever. I just got the piss jitters, I'm so excited. Folks, this weekend, somewhere in San Diego, for the first time ever...the Avengers assembled.
From left to right, you've got Mr. Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.), Shield Agent Coulson (Clark Gregg), The Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson), Thor (Chris Hemsworth), Captain America (Chris Evans), Nick Fury (Samuel L Jackson), Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner), and Hulk/Bruce Banner (Mark Ruffalo). Standing next to them is director Joss Whedon and producer Kevin Feige. I know that there's a chance this could suck, I do. But if somehow this thing collapses on itself, it will be as a dying star going supernova and not for lack of casting. This is happening. This is actually going to take place. Can't. Breathe. Everything we've seen before in terms of blockbuster superhero movies should be blown into itty bitty pieces. No pressure.

2.) But wait, there's more - Marvel had one more little gift for nerdlings at its bash: It was this.
If you're a nerd, you already know what that is, and it is not the Ultimate version of Michael Jackson's glove. That's the Infinity Gauntlet, and it's going to be a part of this whole Avengers/Thor/Captain America madness. I think it's safe to say this could be the thread that pulls things together. If you consider that the Red Skull (Cap's hetero-hate-mate) was trying to get the all-powerful Cosmic Cube in various versions of the script for that film, and if you conjecture that Loki (Thor's brother, fight partner, snappy dresser) wants to own said Cube and Infinity Gauntlet for total cosmic domination, I'm guessing you would need the Avengers to stop that ("Thor, you smash Loki's grasp! Iron Man, shoot repulsor rays into his chest. Black Widow, um, unzip a little more."). Although, I do wish that they would make Hulk the villain the first time out, which I suppose they still could in the first half of the film (oh, wishful thinking). The beauty of this all is that there is exactly one new character they'll have to introduce in The Avengers, and that's Hawkeye, whose backstory is that he shoots real good. This means you can do something like have them all show up to fight the Hulk without having to tell us who everybody is, and that could be a compelling way to start this all off. God, I cannot wait for this movie. Please don't screw it up. Pretty please with Johansson on top?

3.) Walk this way - Like I said, as the clips from the con go live on the world wide webbies, I'm going to post them. I just won't post Skippy McDoodle's remembrance of them. So here's the first one that broke from the pack and showed up online.



I'm a fan of the comic and a fan of zombies (in fiction, in real-life I don't think I'd like them much), so I'm uber pumped for this one. It looks pretty much like the comic come to life, which is a compliment mostly. I do hope it brings something new to the table, but I will settle for a well-served dish of brains.

4.) Let the right Scott in? - The Playlist is reporting that Fox is choosing between Matt Reeves (Cloverfield, Let Me In) and Tony Scott (every Denzel Washington movie ever) to direct Wolverine 2. The script is by Christopher McQuarrie, who wrote the usual suspects, which should make me happy. It doesn't. Why? Gee, I don't know, did you see the last Wolverine? Fox will bork this in some seemingly unborkable way, mark my words. I kind of hope it's Reeves, given what I've heard about Let Me In and how much I liked Cloverfield, but he's so young they'll probably run roughshod over him in the editing bay. The flip side is that Scott has a definable style that he'd bring to the flick. That style is called camera-induced nausea. I can't decide which is the best way to go, or if this rumor is even true. What I do know is that somehow we're going to get a Wolverine 2. I really thought we were better than this.

Okay, more posts of video from the con as it goes up, y'all. Happy Monday to ya.

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Tony Stark is older than I thought.

I'm not a math whiz, so help me out. Salon talked to Dominic Cooper (you don't know him, so just assume he's young and handsome), who said he'd be playing Howard Stark (Tony Stark's papa) in Captain America (I'm not calling it The First Avenger unless a congressional mandate specifying me by name says I have to). That's all well and good, until you start adding. What do I mean? Okay, let's fudge some numbers a little. Let's say that Captain America takes place at the verrrrry end of the German conflict in World War II. That's 1946. We know from Iron Man 2 that Howard Stark was creating technology and stuff during that war. Okay, that's fine, we all know he probably built Cap's shield. Nice to have on your resume. So if Howard Stark were a GENIUS, like a GENIUS GENIUS, he'd be what, 17 years old in 1946? That means he was born in 1929. Again, Dominic Cooper has got himself a baby face, but he don't look 17, but watch the math play out. Provided that Howard got his reproduce on at a late age, let's say 40 years old, that means Tony Stark would be born in 1969, which makes him 41. Again, that's provided that Howard was 17 while designing war technology and had Tony when he was wicked old (I mean, not Larry King old, but you get the idea).

So what does this mean? Well, nothing. I don't care if Tony Stark is 41...or 50. It's fine either way. But it does illustrate a concern of mine with this Marvel universe they're creating: They have to be careful not to shoehorn too many connections in. Comic books do this stuff organically, and I know it's not second nature to these guys, but maybe some more comic book writers should be involved. Someone should be asking what it really adds to the story to have these connections going on, not "hey, you know what would be cool." Friends don't ask friends "hey, you know what would be cool." Friends just do cool things and have other friends appreciate the coolness. This has been a blog-version of a "More you Know" NBC PSA.

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Whedon fans assemble!

I am not a devotee of Joss Whedon. I do not light candles around a picture of his chubby-bunny face nor do I have any part of me tattooed with his likeness. This does not mean that, as a nerd, I do not grant unto him his proper nerdly respect. I do. Dude killed it with "Firefly" and Serenity. His run writing "Astonishing X-Men" was phenomenal. One day, I'll actually watch the rest of "Buffy" and "Angel," which I know to be good but vampire shit just never hooked me so back off "True Blood." I think he gets characters incredibly well, kicks ass at pacing his stories, and is a big ole fanboy geek just like me. I want to have the proverbial beer with him. I do not want him directing The Avengers, but Deadline says he's going to.
You knew I had to put some art in there, right? First off, how cool is that illustration from John Romita Jr for the new "Avengers" comic? He's just sooooo goooooood. I'd let JRJR direct the movie, I really would. I know that in the movies, Spider-man and Wolverine will not be Avengers, much to the chagrin of Marvel (kind of sucks that you sold off those rights now that Disney's backing you, doesn't it boys?). It just looked bad ass and I wanted to show it here. Second, deep breath yo: I do not think that Whedon will screw up The Avengers. He'll probably do a fine job, especially with the character stuff. Hell, if they let him in the script process (which they'd be fools not to do instead of farming the whole thing out to whatever assembly line they have writing these things), he'll probably help push the script from mainstream tripe to enjoyable fanboy funstuff. He just has absolutely zero experience helming a $150 million budgeted movie that absolutely has to have some crazy huge action sequences. Crazy. Huge. I'm not saying I'd rather have Michael Bay doing it, but I would have liked to see someone with some blockbuster experience behind the camera and Whedon in the writing room. Like I said, despite the hilarious jokes flying around twitter about how now The Avengers will be canceled after the second act, I want Whedon to succeed. I just have some substantial doubts. If he had been brought on to lead an individual movie, say Ant Man, I'd feel great about it, but this is the big time. Plus, we all know how well Whedon and top-level brass work together, right? Joking aside, suits don't get this guy. They may have let Jon Favreau have some leash on the $75 million budgeted Iron Man, but double that and I doubt they're going to feel good about a second-time movie director getting free reign of a franchise they spent 6 years setting up. Just saying, I would have preferred someone with a bit more experience and the filmography to back up his decisions to the execs. That said, there's a nerd in charge of The Avengers. You can't hate on that too much.

Ryan's Junk Drawer

Hey everybody, it's Thursday, which means your wait to see my junk is finally at an end! Weekly explanation: My junk refers to movie news tidbits that aren't big enough to warrant their own entire story. It's also just an excuse to make jokes about genitalia, as in: "Everyone should see my junk, it's really spectacular this week...it will likely get you pregnant." Okay, that last part didn't work, but I was thinking about "30 Rock," so I wanted to talk about getting something pregnant. Another weekly game we play is to examine the image above from Highlights Magazine for Children (it didn't specify, but I believe the creepy image above suggests it's actually "Highlights Magazine for Sociopathic Children"). We look at it, pick an item, and make up some chilling and weird story about it...you know, for funsies. Today's item is the game token (looks like a quarter) in the middle. Sam grew up loving arcade games and dreaming of a world just like The Last Starfighter, where he would be whisked away to another space universe and heralded as their champion for his unmatched skill in playing "Space Swords." After spending almost all of his allowance, then half his paycheck, then everything but his alimony payments, Sam finally gave up, tossing his last token in the junk drawer. Sadly, had he played that last game, Gleepglorp from the planet Schlubby would have flown down and retrieved him so that he could help overthrow the evil overlord that was keeping the good people of planet Schlubby enslaved. Oh well!

Here's this week's junk, exposed for all to see.

1.) Mel Gibson is back with Black - Shane Black is directing Cold Warrior, a movie about a Cold War spy who unretires to save the world with a young, nubile co-agent (I may have added the nubile part), featuring Mel Gibson (as the non-nubile one). That was a really long linked sentence. Anyway, this is cool because Black directed Gibson in Lethal Weapon, you remember, back when Mel Gibson was "Action-star Mel Gibson" and not "Mel 'Sugar Tits' Gibson," which is actually a way cooler nickname. Despite the fact that Black did not write the script, it is his first directorial effort since Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, which would probably make my top 10 favorite movies ever. Seriously. Here's a clip from it.



As far as who will play the agent who helps Mel's formally retired Cold War spy, it's the usual list of Shias and Ashtons, but I'm holding out hope for Ryan Gosling, who I believe still makes movies but am no longer sure.

2.) Avengers assembled! - In a sure sign that we're headed towards the moment we've all been waiting for (and be "we all" I mean me), Kevin Feige confirmed the lineup for the Avengers movie. According to Feige (which I believe is pronounced like "beige" but I wish was pronounced like "fig") "…its three people, four including Hulk , five including Nick Fury - who you have seen before in other movies, coming together for the very first time." To give you a visual indication, it's the following:

Plus Sam Jackson, lookin' all "patchy." This is good. This doesn't mean that we may not see Hawkeye or the Wasp in a cameo, but I actually think keeping the roster low is a great idea. Not only will it help with believability (barring the Norse God and all), but it helps keep characterization possible, which is nice. More than any other comic book movie, I'm looking forward to this one.

3.) We have a late entry for "Worst Idea Ever" - Miley Cyrus and Demi Moore are making a movie together...a movie called LOL. That sentence should be enough to make most people cry blood and vomit their dreams up. If you had a loved one kill themselves after reading that sentence, I apologize but comfort yourself in knowing that they won't ever live in a world where Miley Cyrus and Demi Moore HAVE made a movie together. The description of the film doesn't do any favors either, so if you're on the suicide fence after what I said earlier, look away. According to Variety, "The pic tells the story of a 15-year-old girl who, dumped by her more sexually experienced boyfriend, sets her sights on his best friend. At the same time, her 40-year-old divorcee mother is struggling to move on with her life. The fraught relationship between mother and daughter provides the film with its narrative backbone, along with the younger generation's obsession with instant messaging." Yep, it's all the fun of text-message conversation combined with Miley "how am I an oversexualized object when I starred in a Disney show and have teeth that would make Mr. Ed shy away" Cyrus and Demi "I'm more robot than woman at this point" Moore. It's based on a foreign film. And by foreign, I can only assume they mean forged in hell. If you make me angry, I will find a way to make you see this.

4.) Knockout's title is seeming more and more apropos - Bill Paxton is replacing Dennis Quaid and Antonio Banderas is joining Channing Tatum, Gina Carano, Ewan MacGregor, Michael Douglas, and Michael Fassbender in Steven Soderbergh's Knockout, a film that sounds like "Alias." On the one hand, the cast is suspiciously interesting. On the other, it kind of sounds like the cast to Vantage Point. I do think that if you can trade a Quaid for a Paxton, it's a good swap (like trading a Kutcher for a Gosling). Plus the script is by Lem Dobbs, who wrote The Limey, which is a great movie nobody saw. I'm cautiously optimistic about this one, but it will probably dovetail into out-and-out nausea when Carano, the former American Gladiator, opens her pie hole in the trailer. Oooh, maybe the script makes her mute?! If not, I suggest a late-hour rewrite, because if everyone else talked and she just kicked people in the dome, I'd be totally pumped. Also, Antonio Banderas needs this to reignite his career so he can get out of the house. Seriously, have you SEEN Melanie Griffith lately? Woah.

5.) Trailers, Parked - Not a big week for trailers...again. So I had to dive deep into my bag of weird shit to find anything fun. What do I have for you? Well, first up is Mother, a Korean film by the director of The Host, which was really quite good. This one does not feature a tentacled beast, or at least I don't think so...



Repo Chick is a spiritual sequel to Repo Man, which starred Emilio Estevez, whose name I don't think I've ever mentioned in this blog (huzzah for a new mention!). This looks like it was made for a buck fifty, reminds me of Tank Girl (which I liked), and seems to be a giant acid trip filmed in front of a green screen. I may see it just to get a legal high.



Cyrus features John C Reilly, Jonah Hill, and the still EXCRUCIATINGLY hot Marissa Tomei (eat it, Demi, she's all natural). I love so much about this trailer, from Reilly's brutal honesty "I'm like Shrek" to Hill's apparent psychosis. PS - I love living in a world where Jonah Hill gets to be famous. That rules.






Okay, that's it. Really epic junk this week, I know. Pass it on to your friends, I'm sure your friends would also like my junk.

Inside Ryan's Junk Drawer: Shhh, it's where I keep Patrick Dempsey.

Time for this week's peek into news that's just nowhere near interesting or complete enough to comprise it's own post (even for me and I can talk, at length, about virtually anything, as evidenced by the infamous "Why is Howie Mandell so popular?" discussion of 2003). I cleverly save the drool-inducing bit of tid for last to encourage you to read through the other stuff (I ain't no dummy, I know you'll close out after seeing my goodies without even staying to cuddle...or read about Patrick Dempsey). Without further ado, let's take a dive inside my junk drawer (Dempsey's running out of air in there).

1.) Variety is reporting that Scott Speedman (who has touched Kate Beckinsale), Bruce Greenwood (not the guy who sings "Proud to Be An American"), and Macha Grenon (I have no idea) joined the cast of Barnie's Version, which already stars Paul Giamatti (no, that's Philip Seymour Hoffman), Dustin Hoffman (the incredible shrinking man), and Minnie Driver (clearly not dead). The film is strange (something about a guy who has had three marriages and ends up embroiled in a missing persons case), but it was based on a novel, so it presumably has some semblance of plot (or not, I heard that one of the talentless she-vipers from "The Hills" is writing some kind of book...well, writing is a strong word, she's allowing her whorish name to go on the cover). I only mention this at all because Giamatti is always interesting and, once upon a time, so was Hoffman (no, that was not a Hook reference...although, bangarang).

2.) Variety is not done yet, as they also are providing you the news you've been lusting for, Patrick Dempsey is going to star in The Art of Racing in the Rain, the title of which could make me vomit unto itself. Supposedly, the book is (and this is a direct quote from the Variety story here) "driven by the reminiscences of Enzo, a family dog with a near-human soul and a philosopher's mind." Are. You. Effing. Kidding. Me. I'm not saying that Dempsey had integrity or a substantial career, but this is a sure sign that (in the twilight of his dreaminess), he's not going down without a fight. He won't play the dog, which is sad as that seems to be the plum role, but will play a race car driver. I can only assume that this decision is based on Dempsey's unwillingness to suffer his post-Can't Buy Me Love obscurity again. Said Dempsey, "I won't go back. I'LL DIE BEFORE I GO BACK! I'LL MAKE 10 DOG MOVIES BEFORE I GO BACK! I WON'T GO DOWN LIKE HAIM AND FELDMAN, YOU BASTARDS WILL SEE!"

3.) Switching over to America's second favorite press release site, The Hollywood Reporter has further information about the terrible idea that Rod Lurie had to remake Straw Dogs, a Sam Peckinpah movie. Thankfully, if you wanted anyone to remake the classic film, the first three names you'd come up with are Kate Bosworth, James Marsden, and Alexander Skarsgard (not Steven Saarsgaard or Stellen Staarsgaard or my favorite He-Man action figure Steel Scarsguard). Skarsgard was almost Thor in the new movie (he even tried on the costume!), so he was thisclose to touching Natalie Portman. Now, he'll have to settle for giving a classic film the dirty touch.

4.) Because I can't ignore Willem Dafoe news without threat of him harming me, The Hollywood Reporter is also reporting that the crazy son-of-a-bitch will star alongside Taylor Kitsch (who sucked while playing the sucky character, Gambit, in the sucky new Wolverine movie from the suckiest studio out there) in John Carter of Mars. I'm only okay with this film because it's based on a sweet-ass Edgar Rice Burroughs book and it is being helmed by the guy who did Wall-E (under the oversight of guys from Pixar). Less encouraging is the fact that Dafoe will be green. My guess is he's trying to avoid special effects and is willing himself to turn that color.

5.) Okay, you've waited long enough. This week has been a virtual tour of my favorite ladies to look at in Hollywood. We had Natalie Portman, Cate Blanchett, and now...the hottest keister to ever open a Sophia Coppola movie is back with our first look at her in her Black Widow costume on the cover of the next EW. Take a look:



Yeah, that's going to keep me going through today. Wowza! I don't know how her Russian accent will be (I'm guessing somewhere between Chekov's "Nuclear wessel" and Kevin Costner's Robin Hood), but she sure does look the part (ggggrrrrowlll). And with that, I take my leave of you...for now.