Motion capture smash!

Slow news weekend to the point that the big story was not that the Hulk will be CGI in The Avengers, we kind of figured that, but that he will be MOTION CAPTURED! That means Mark Ruffalo will wear funny pajamas and act out smashing things so that they can project a creepy, soulless recreation of him as the Hulk. Seriously, Robert Zemeckis is nuts, those movies are terrifying with the undead Tom Hanks and the reanimated Jim Carrey. Icky. Will it work better for The Hulk? Sure. Why? Well these are our previous attempts:

"Why Hulk look like he roll in poo? Why Hulk hair so stupid? Why Hulk pants so weird? Why Hulk look like he can't go number 2?"

"LOUD NOISES! I DON'T KNOW WHAT EVERYBODY'S YELLING ABOUT!"

I like the latter better than the former, but both have that edge of falseness. It's hard, you know, because I don't know how to make a "real" looking Hulk, given that 10-foot tall green guys don't come along often. Will the motion capture help? Sure? Who knows. It can't hurt though. I mean, the only alternative would be to find a big muscle guy and paint him green.

"It puts the zucchini lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again."

And nobody wants that, right? That's the most terrifying image not currently on a website requiring certain people post their picture and address alongside the crime they were convicted of.

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Bride of Superfuntime Giant Orgy of Comic-con news!!!

Happy Monday (nofunday) to you all. After a weekend so full that I now need some kind of two-day break to rest in order to work properly, I'm groggy but ready to fight my way into productivity at any cost (as long as the cost is really low). What better place to start a week that has me longing for vacation than with a wrap-up of the comic-con? Oh, yeah, you're right: A better place to start would be from the comfort of my bed four hours of sleep from now, but just like my Cubs getting their act together long enough to sweep the Cardinals or me respecting Sarah Palin, that shit's just not going to happen. But whatever, they don't call me Mr. Flexible for nothing (or at all). Like I said on Friday, here's the wrap-up of the remaining convention news, oh but two quick caveats: (1) Most of the "news" that breaks at the con isn't really news, it's mostly just tiny revelations about projects we've been ogling for ages now, which doesn't always make the sexiest write-ups even if they hit hard in person. Unless it's a description of Natalie Portman, in which case, I'm writing that up immediamente, yo. (2) These days, 90% of the footage in terms of clips and trailers that they show over the weekend at the con arrive on the interwebs within, like, a day. So instead of running descriptions from people, I'm going to wait to run the actual clips. It's kind of like waiting to actually kiss a girl to see how you like it instead of asking someone who kissed her to describe it. This is good advice I'm giving. I should charge more.

Okay, here are some things I learned secondhand from the con:

1.) It's really, truly happening - Give this much to Marvel: For all the douchey contracts, the trail of bad blood being generated behind the scenes, and the general mayhem that seems to surround the making of some projects, they are a scant few months away from giving the world the greatest superhero team ever. I just got the piss jitters, I'm so excited. Folks, this weekend, somewhere in San Diego, for the first time ever...the Avengers assembled.
From left to right, you've got Mr. Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.), Shield Agent Coulson (Clark Gregg), The Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson), Thor (Chris Hemsworth), Captain America (Chris Evans), Nick Fury (Samuel L Jackson), Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner), and Hulk/Bruce Banner (Mark Ruffalo). Standing next to them is director Joss Whedon and producer Kevin Feige. I know that there's a chance this could suck, I do. But if somehow this thing collapses on itself, it will be as a dying star going supernova and not for lack of casting. This is happening. This is actually going to take place. Can't. Breathe. Everything we've seen before in terms of blockbuster superhero movies should be blown into itty bitty pieces. No pressure.

2.) But wait, there's more - Marvel had one more little gift for nerdlings at its bash: It was this.
If you're a nerd, you already know what that is, and it is not the Ultimate version of Michael Jackson's glove. That's the Infinity Gauntlet, and it's going to be a part of this whole Avengers/Thor/Captain America madness. I think it's safe to say this could be the thread that pulls things together. If you consider that the Red Skull (Cap's hetero-hate-mate) was trying to get the all-powerful Cosmic Cube in various versions of the script for that film, and if you conjecture that Loki (Thor's brother, fight partner, snappy dresser) wants to own said Cube and Infinity Gauntlet for total cosmic domination, I'm guessing you would need the Avengers to stop that ("Thor, you smash Loki's grasp! Iron Man, shoot repulsor rays into his chest. Black Widow, um, unzip a little more."). Although, I do wish that they would make Hulk the villain the first time out, which I suppose they still could in the first half of the film (oh, wishful thinking). The beauty of this all is that there is exactly one new character they'll have to introduce in The Avengers, and that's Hawkeye, whose backstory is that he shoots real good. This means you can do something like have them all show up to fight the Hulk without having to tell us who everybody is, and that could be a compelling way to start this all off. God, I cannot wait for this movie. Please don't screw it up. Pretty please with Johansson on top?

3.) Walk this way - Like I said, as the clips from the con go live on the world wide webbies, I'm going to post them. I just won't post Skippy McDoodle's remembrance of them. So here's the first one that broke from the pack and showed up online.



I'm a fan of the comic and a fan of zombies (in fiction, in real-life I don't think I'd like them much), so I'm uber pumped for this one. It looks pretty much like the comic come to life, which is a compliment mostly. I do hope it brings something new to the table, but I will settle for a well-served dish of brains.

4.) Let the right Scott in? - The Playlist is reporting that Fox is choosing between Matt Reeves (Cloverfield, Let Me In) and Tony Scott (every Denzel Washington movie ever) to direct Wolverine 2. The script is by Christopher McQuarrie, who wrote the usual suspects, which should make me happy. It doesn't. Why? Gee, I don't know, did you see the last Wolverine? Fox will bork this in some seemingly unborkable way, mark my words. I kind of hope it's Reeves, given what I've heard about Let Me In and how much I liked Cloverfield, but he's so young they'll probably run roughshod over him in the editing bay. The flip side is that Scott has a definable style that he'd bring to the flick. That style is called camera-induced nausea. I can't decide which is the best way to go, or if this rumor is even true. What I do know is that somehow we're going to get a Wolverine 2. I really thought we were better than this.

Okay, more posts of video from the con as it goes up, y'all. Happy Monday to ya.

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Ryan's Junk Drawer

God himself almost prevented me from writing about my junk today. I know, it's shocking that the almighty would so directly interfere with the generally innocent practice of me showing friends, family, and strangers my junk on the internet, but it almost happened. For nearly 8 hours last night, we were without power. It started fine, the first few hours passed with a few giggles of adventure, lighting candles and whatnot. By 8:30 pm, I began to get concerned, what with the total darkness coming soon. By 9:30, I realized life would never return to normal. I set up a military perimeter using furniture and guarded it with a sharpened end of a broom stick. By 10:15, I had resorted to cannibalism and started my own religion. By Midnight, I had developed an advanced society unlike any the world had before seen. Then I went to bed. Thankfully, the power was returned during my slumber. All that's left to do is quickly sweep up the evidence, I MEAN, "mess" and show you my junk. Of course, by junk, I mean movie tidbits too small to warrant an entire blog post and nothing untoward that would actually indicate to the Heavenly Father that he should smote me.

As is our tradition, each Thursday's column begins by looking at the image from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN above. It's supposed to be a junk drawer, but it terrifies me for some reason. To make myself feel better, I select an item from it, and make up a fake story about it. Today's item is the pink square in the upper left corner. When Molly created the first processing chip that would allow filmmakers and artists to cross the uncanny valley, allowing computer generated creatures to look 100% real and not scarily undead, she knew she was on the verge of fame and fortune. The images created by the technology were so perfect, so accurate, that mothers were unable to distinguish photographs of their real babies versus the computer generated ones. Molly was going to be rich! Famous! Celebrated by peers! Then she heard that the first project to use the chip would be directed by Brett Ratner. For the good of humanity, the chip was never seen again.

Alright, enough japery, it's time to do this thing. Here's the top 5 tiny news nuggets almost worth talking about!

1.) Greek tragedy - There's a clip from "Seinfeld" where Kramer breaks up with his girlfriend and Jerry and Elaine start trashing her. They both bitch about her in general before Jerry says "Honestly, I can't believe someone hasn't killed her yet." Then they get back together. I won't lie, I thought someone had finally shivved Brett Ratner. I thought maybe the CIA disappeared him for reasons of national security (or just good taste). Lo, the story I told above involving the fake computer chip was inspired by reality, as the LA Times says Brett Ratner is considering directing Hercules. This is as much a shame because I love Greek mythology as because I think Ratner is as charming as a seasick crocodile. Normally, news of a full-blown action version of a Greek hero or heroine would fill me with Olympian joy. This is how you ruin something good: Add the words Brett Ratner to it. "I'm enjoying this sandwich!" "Really? It was made by Brett Ratner." "I really love these pants." "Really? Brett Ratner tried them on in the store right before you." "I want to go out with that beautiful girl." "Really? She liked a Brett Ratner movie." It works every time.

2.) Elizabeth Banks hates pants - I like Elizabeth Banks. I always have. I find her range to be impressive (just watch W sometime), I find her tenacity to find work incredible (she's never really headlined anything and yet has been everywhere), and I find her to be well assembled (she's got good parts). We're going to see all of these assets in her next film, as Variety claims that Banks will play Tinkerbell in a live-action Tink movie.
As you can see from this shot above that just screams Disney (okay, it actually screams "this underwear is a doily), Banks looks the part and has no problems with the pantless costume. I'm not sure the plot of the upcoming Tink, but Banks isn't a preteen, so it's kind of refreshing that they'll be making the character a full-blown adult. Wouldn't it be great if the film actually detailed the anguish of a bite-sized person in love with someone 2000% of her size. I mean, come on, you can't blame Peter Pan for not finding her interesting. I don't get aroused by a housefly, even if it wears the right heels. Seriously, that would be like me falling in love with Optimus Prime. Okay, bad example, I do kind of love him.

3.) Pixar sells out a little more - I really like Devin from Chud. I do. He's clever and insightful, and I have never been bored while reading his work. At times, I do loathe his obsession with being the voice of negativism though. Take for example this weird crusade of his to declare Pixar, a company whose worst crime to this point has been making an OK movie in Cars, on the road to ruin. Why does he claim this? I don't know, because if he's not saying something angry or controversial he is attacked by gremlins that live in his beard? His evidence is that the company is getting sequel happy (Toy Story 3, Monsters Inc 2, Cars 2), which would be fair if the sequels they've made so far (Toy Story 2, Toy Story 3) weren't, you know, really friggin' good. His main source of ire is that Pixar is making Planes, which is a direct-to-video spinoff of Cars that will feature, um, talking planes. Yep, it's stupid. Yep, it's the sort of direct-to-video bullshit that John Lasseter jumped in to stop with Toy Story 2. No, it doesn't mean the company is on the road to ruin...or even mediocrity. Ernest Hemingway wrote a few bad short stories. Alfred Hitchcock made some terrible movies. Apple's latest iPhone may need to be recalled. Sometimes people make bad decisions, ranging from small to big. That doesn't mean they aren't geniuses. I think Devin's main problem is that people slobber effusive praise over Pixar without qualm or equivocation of any kind. You know what? I have no problem with that. If we want to over-praise, over-hype a studio that by and large is doing the best, most consistent work of any production house out there right now, I'm good with that. Yes, it's probably a bit much. Yes, we could realistically stand to level some criticisms from time to time. No, I don't care if we are overly encouraging because it just might suggest to other studios and other executives that we will go apeshit for quality. So, yes, Pixar appears to be grabbing a little more cash at the expense of originality a bit. The minute their quality significantly declines, we'll have something to talk about. For now, howsabout we just remember that they haven't made a bad movie yet. That's enough for me.

4.) I'll trade you a Ruffalo for a Norton - After reports surfaced that Joaquin Pheonix would possibly be hulking out in a way that didn't involve a hobo beard and meetings with Diddy, we are now being told that's not true. Deadline reports that it is Mark Ruffalo who is all ready for his purple pants, as he is all but signed on to play the Hulk in The Avengers. Then along comes THR, who says hold on a tick, this isn't a done deal yet.
Ruffalo, shown here presumably stealing a baby, is a perfect choice for the part. Why? He's talented, has that indie cred, can stand his ground with Robert Downey Jr, and apparently comes into your house at night and claims your children. I may be wrong on that last one. He hasn't met with Joss Whedon yet, and that dude is directing The Avengers, so nothing is for sure. We also know that Marvel's negotiating tactics go something like this: "Mark, we want you for the Hulk." "Really, okay, that sounds good." "We'd like to sign you to a 17-picture deal and we would like to pay you with this bag of chalk and a coupon to Long John Silvers." Who knows if it will come to fruition, but you aren't losing talent in my book if you go from Ed Norton to Ruffalo, which is nice.

5.) Trailers, Parked - Some good trailers this week after a stinker week last time out. First up is Due Date, which Robert Downey Jr has called the second best movie of his career. He didn't specify which was the first best movie of his career, so I'll assume it was The Shaggy Dog with Tim Allen. This features the omnipresent Zach Galifianakis, who also appears in the next preview I'll show you. This one looks a bit...broad...but if RDJ says it's good, I'll trust him. For now.

Next up is quirky indie dramedy, It's Kind of a Funny Story, which has a great title. It also has Zack-G tearing it up again. This one could be a Little Miss Sunshine-esque breakthrough...or it could be totally forgotten by the time I finished writing this...hey, look a pony!

M. Night Shyamalan is doing the opposite of what I said. I told him to STOP writing and KEEP directing. Here's a movie he wrote but didn't direct. It's called Devil, and it would be appealing to me if I didn't know who was behind it. They're still promoting that fact like it makes people want to see it. Hit me after the trailer and I'll show you why this is crazy.



This is an infographic that shows the tomatometer scores of Shyamalan's movies. It is projected at this rate that his next project will have to go into negative ground. It's perhaps the finest example of the man's career slide I have ever seen.

Okay, that's it. I'm glad that the power was restored enough for me to have this junk sharing experience with you. Enjoy your day and come back tomorrow for some Friday fun!

Ryan's Junk Drawer

Hey everybody, it's Thursday, which means your wait to see my junk is finally at an end! Weekly explanation: My junk refers to movie news tidbits that aren't big enough to warrant their own entire story. It's also just an excuse to make jokes about genitalia, as in: "Everyone should see my junk, it's really spectacular this week...it will likely get you pregnant." Okay, that last part didn't work, but I was thinking about "30 Rock," so I wanted to talk about getting something pregnant. Another weekly game we play is to examine the image above from Highlights Magazine for Children (it didn't specify, but I believe the creepy image above suggests it's actually "Highlights Magazine for Sociopathic Children"). We look at it, pick an item, and make up some chilling and weird story about it...you know, for funsies. Today's item is the game token (looks like a quarter) in the middle. Sam grew up loving arcade games and dreaming of a world just like The Last Starfighter, where he would be whisked away to another space universe and heralded as their champion for his unmatched skill in playing "Space Swords." After spending almost all of his allowance, then half his paycheck, then everything but his alimony payments, Sam finally gave up, tossing his last token in the junk drawer. Sadly, had he played that last game, Gleepglorp from the planet Schlubby would have flown down and retrieved him so that he could help overthrow the evil overlord that was keeping the good people of planet Schlubby enslaved. Oh well!

Here's this week's junk, exposed for all to see.

1.) Mel Gibson is back with Black - Shane Black is directing Cold Warrior, a movie about a Cold War spy who unretires to save the world with a young, nubile co-agent (I may have added the nubile part), featuring Mel Gibson (as the non-nubile one). That was a really long linked sentence. Anyway, this is cool because Black directed Gibson in Lethal Weapon, you remember, back when Mel Gibson was "Action-star Mel Gibson" and not "Mel 'Sugar Tits' Gibson," which is actually a way cooler nickname. Despite the fact that Black did not write the script, it is his first directorial effort since Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, which would probably make my top 10 favorite movies ever. Seriously. Here's a clip from it.



As far as who will play the agent who helps Mel's formally retired Cold War spy, it's the usual list of Shias and Ashtons, but I'm holding out hope for Ryan Gosling, who I believe still makes movies but am no longer sure.

2.) Avengers assembled! - In a sure sign that we're headed towards the moment we've all been waiting for (and be "we all" I mean me), Kevin Feige confirmed the lineup for the Avengers movie. According to Feige (which I believe is pronounced like "beige" but I wish was pronounced like "fig") "…its three people, four including Hulk , five including Nick Fury - who you have seen before in other movies, coming together for the very first time." To give you a visual indication, it's the following:

Plus Sam Jackson, lookin' all "patchy." This is good. This doesn't mean that we may not see Hawkeye or the Wasp in a cameo, but I actually think keeping the roster low is a great idea. Not only will it help with believability (barring the Norse God and all), but it helps keep characterization possible, which is nice. More than any other comic book movie, I'm looking forward to this one.

3.) We have a late entry for "Worst Idea Ever" - Miley Cyrus and Demi Moore are making a movie together...a movie called LOL. That sentence should be enough to make most people cry blood and vomit their dreams up. If you had a loved one kill themselves after reading that sentence, I apologize but comfort yourself in knowing that they won't ever live in a world where Miley Cyrus and Demi Moore HAVE made a movie together. The description of the film doesn't do any favors either, so if you're on the suicide fence after what I said earlier, look away. According to Variety, "The pic tells the story of a 15-year-old girl who, dumped by her more sexually experienced boyfriend, sets her sights on his best friend. At the same time, her 40-year-old divorcee mother is struggling to move on with her life. The fraught relationship between mother and daughter provides the film with its narrative backbone, along with the younger generation's obsession with instant messaging." Yep, it's all the fun of text-message conversation combined with Miley "how am I an oversexualized object when I starred in a Disney show and have teeth that would make Mr. Ed shy away" Cyrus and Demi "I'm more robot than woman at this point" Moore. It's based on a foreign film. And by foreign, I can only assume they mean forged in hell. If you make me angry, I will find a way to make you see this.

4.) Knockout's title is seeming more and more apropos - Bill Paxton is replacing Dennis Quaid and Antonio Banderas is joining Channing Tatum, Gina Carano, Ewan MacGregor, Michael Douglas, and Michael Fassbender in Steven Soderbergh's Knockout, a film that sounds like "Alias." On the one hand, the cast is suspiciously interesting. On the other, it kind of sounds like the cast to Vantage Point. I do think that if you can trade a Quaid for a Paxton, it's a good swap (like trading a Kutcher for a Gosling). Plus the script is by Lem Dobbs, who wrote The Limey, which is a great movie nobody saw. I'm cautiously optimistic about this one, but it will probably dovetail into out-and-out nausea when Carano, the former American Gladiator, opens her pie hole in the trailer. Oooh, maybe the script makes her mute?! If not, I suggest a late-hour rewrite, because if everyone else talked and she just kicked people in the dome, I'd be totally pumped. Also, Antonio Banderas needs this to reignite his career so he can get out of the house. Seriously, have you SEEN Melanie Griffith lately? Woah.

5.) Trailers, Parked - Not a big week for trailers...again. So I had to dive deep into my bag of weird shit to find anything fun. What do I have for you? Well, first up is Mother, a Korean film by the director of The Host, which was really quite good. This one does not feature a tentacled beast, or at least I don't think so...



Repo Chick is a spiritual sequel to Repo Man, which starred Emilio Estevez, whose name I don't think I've ever mentioned in this blog (huzzah for a new mention!). This looks like it was made for a buck fifty, reminds me of Tank Girl (which I liked), and seems to be a giant acid trip filmed in front of a green screen. I may see it just to get a legal high.



Cyrus features John C Reilly, Jonah Hill, and the still EXCRUCIATINGLY hot Marissa Tomei (eat it, Demi, she's all natural). I love so much about this trailer, from Reilly's brutal honesty "I'm like Shrek" to Hill's apparent psychosis. PS - I love living in a world where Jonah Hill gets to be famous. That rules.






Okay, that's it. Really epic junk this week, I know. Pass it on to your friends, I'm sure your friends would also like my junk.

Kirb your enthusiasm

If you're a fan of Marvel Comics (I cannot fathom the subhuman pig person who isn't, so let's just assume you are), you have respect for Jack Kirby.
The man was, in this Marvel Zombie's opinion, the most influential and important comic book artist of all time (suck a duck, Todd McFarlane). Thus, today's news about Kirby troubles me. I'm divided worse than those issues of the Incredible Hulk when they split Bruce Banner and the green monster, I'm more conflicted than the Silver Surfer's sexuality, I'm more confused than Thor's word choice, I'm more troubled than Peter Parker after finding out that Harry Osborn was riding the heroin train to Whitney Houston-ville, I'm...you know, I could do this all day. You get the idea. See, Kirby's estate, having seen how Seigel and Schuster's estate (the guys who created Superman), is now suing Marvel and all related enterprises to get some of the rights to these characters back. Virtually every character in that picture up there (save for Spider-man, who was co-created by artist Steve Ditko) is up for grabs. I'm not sure how I feel about this, as it seems from various reports that Kirby's departure from Marvel wasn't a straight-up case of him getting jobbed by the company but more of a creative difference kind of thing. Plus, unlike the Seigel and Schuster families fighting together, Stan Lee co-created almost all of those characters and is STILL at Marvel. Then again, the Kirby estate got the lawyer who just WON the Seigel and Schuster case, which is going to have very, very serious and real implications for how and when you see Superman (if you do). The whole thing is far too troubling for a simple man who just loves his comics and comic movies. Really, it just makes me sad because I love everyone involved. Why do mommy and daddy have to fight? Is it because I'm bad?