A man machine that isn't Al Gore

First off, thanks to a DVR glitch (thanks Cox, not only does your internet sporadically reset itself so that I have to cycle my router every 2-3 hours WHILE WORKING FROM HOME, but your DVR sometimes decides to record a program from 6:59 pm to 6:59 pm), I JUST watched last week's "Community." I have to say a few words, even though it has NOTHING to do with what I'm about to talk about.

THIS IS THE SMARTEST SHOW ON TELEVISION. Last week's episode, which was nowhere near the funniest or most enjoyable, solidified the fact that it is not just the most clever, creative comedy on TV. Oh no, it's the SMARTEST SHOW on television. Sorry people-who-think-a-show-has-to-be-dour-and-mean-to-women-in-order-to-be-valuable...and sorry "30 Rock," who just got bumped to second place on the smart show big board. Facts are facts, and after watching a brilliant visual essay on post-postmodernism, "Community" is unparalleled. Not only was it a wink-and-nod at how the show has evolved into non-stop wink-and-nodding, but it tackled issues of naval-gazing filmmakers and blasted close-minded religious folks AND hard-headed atheists...before AFFIRMING the power of filmmaking and creating and embracing those committed to religious beliefs and atheists who are just doing what they believe. That's in a 22-minute COMEDY that also had a pretty funny subplot. It also had the two best lines of dialogue on television this year.

In second place: Said in reference to the time it takes to decipher complex meta-meta-meta filmmaking - "I mean, come on Charlie Kaufman, some of us got work in the morning."

In first place: This is just too great. "The Bible has been called the greatest story ever told." "Ben Lyons said the same thing about I Am Legend." - Folks, it DOES NOT get better than that.

Long, long, long, unrelated aside now complete. Watch "Community" or you're dead to me.

Okay, now the news I've come here to tell you. Darren Aronofsky wants to direct a movie about this guy.
Okay, not really. But kind of. See that IS Marvel Comic's Machine Man. And Aronofsky is directing a movie about Machine Man. Just not that Machine Man. Supposedly, the auteur is climbing behind the camera to direct a movie based on a novel that was released a page a day online. It's about a guy who replaces his body parts with metal. It sounds very Chuck Pahlaniuk-meets...well, Darren Aronofsky. It seems like a really good fit. The big issue this morning was that people were kind of confused how that would fit in with his current task of directing Wolverine 2. That was the moment at which most people realized, "Hey, we still haven't officially heard Aronofsky is directing Wolverine 2." It's been assumed, talked about, discussed, and even mentioned by the lead actor (Hugh Jackman), but we have yet to see official confirmation that the man signed on to direct a trainwreck...I mean, quality superhero film for 20th Century F-you. Chances are, he's just putting another film in the hopper, queuing it up for when he's finished with the mega-budget bonanza that nobody needs. Then again, maybe he's hedging his bets. I'm guessing the sticking point on that Wolvie 2 contract ain't money. I'm guessing it's a "Please don't force me to f**k up my movie at the last minute" clause, guaranteeing the studio can't come at him in the 11th hour with a note like "What if Wolverine suddenly could fly and fought Megan Fox?" Until they've worked out every issue, I remain leery that a guy who has yet to make even a modestly budgeted major studio film is going to agree to be their lap dog. We shall see. At least he has a backup if they balk.

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Is this comic movie bizarro day?

There is literally exactly ONE way I would be excited for X-Men Origins: Wolverine: Part Deux, and that's if Darren Aronofsky signed on to...MOTHERFU...are you kidding me right now? Darren Aronofsky is seriously circling this movie? For realz? What's next, Martin Scorsese doing Daredevil? Actually, that would be awesome, he should do that. Seriously though, this makes a measure of sense in the insanity: Hugh Jackman worked with DA on The Fountain, a criminally underrated visual poem that's dismissed as snooty when it's really gut-wrenchingly earnest. Plus, DA needs a bank-account-padder to keep making his crazy stuff. Beyond both of those, this guy seems to want to make a comic book movie. Between Batman and Superman, not to mention the non-comic-but-still-nerd-related Robocop saga he got embroiled in, it's clear this dude is determined to try something like this. My biggest concern is that he's working with the douche-legion at Fox. They so badly rogered that last Wolvie go-round that hiring the best director in the business right now is only moderately turning me on to the project. They are going to straight-up Kathy-Bates-in-Misery hobble him. The Japanese setting and bizarre mental backstory does allow some room for cool visual interpretation, but that's provided he gets a story that isn't as grotesque as Rush Limbaugh's politics. It's possible that this is somehow awesome, but it's definite that it's interesting. So kudos if this deal goes through, I will officially move the project from "Oh God, Oh God It Burns" to "Warning: May Cause Mental Diarrhea" in my list of upcoming movies.

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This isn't going to happen.

It's not going to happen. I just want to be clear, there's no scenario, no infinitesimal possibility that Darren Aronofsky is going to direct Wolverine 2, no matter who says he's down to the final two spots in consideration for the gig.
No way it happens. None. Zero. There's a greater chance I'll vote Tea Party. There's a greater chance of the Bears running the table this year. There's a greater chance that gravity will be revoked as a basic principle of physics. No Wolvie, no way.

Except...okay, well Hugh Jackman did rescue The Fountain, Aronofsky's masterwork that people unfairly overlook as pretentious when it is unabashedly romantic. Okay, and he does work for the studio who desperately needs this to be a hit, as they're running out of franchise materials. Right, and he did almost direct the Batman reboot before Nolan came along. And he does need some kind of bank in order to keep making the films he makes, which are very unusual and artistic. And rumors of his involvement have actually persisted for months without disappearing. And he did lose Robocop, which was going to be his marketable movie. Oh my GOD, Darren Aronofsky is going to direct Wolverine 2.

In reality, I still think it's going to be David Slade, the Twilight hack who has done nothing to warrant having me remember his name. But...there is that chance that Aronofsky feels the drive to do ONE mainstream picture...and that there's enough artistic elements in the journey to Japan to drive him. Maybe. Probably not. But maybe.

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Bride of Superfuntime Giant Orgy of Comic-con news!!!

Happy Monday (nofunday) to you all. After a weekend so full that I now need some kind of two-day break to rest in order to work properly, I'm groggy but ready to fight my way into productivity at any cost (as long as the cost is really low). What better place to start a week that has me longing for vacation than with a wrap-up of the comic-con? Oh, yeah, you're right: A better place to start would be from the comfort of my bed four hours of sleep from now, but just like my Cubs getting their act together long enough to sweep the Cardinals or me respecting Sarah Palin, that shit's just not going to happen. But whatever, they don't call me Mr. Flexible for nothing (or at all). Like I said on Friday, here's the wrap-up of the remaining convention news, oh but two quick caveats: (1) Most of the "news" that breaks at the con isn't really news, it's mostly just tiny revelations about projects we've been ogling for ages now, which doesn't always make the sexiest write-ups even if they hit hard in person. Unless it's a description of Natalie Portman, in which case, I'm writing that up immediamente, yo. (2) These days, 90% of the footage in terms of clips and trailers that they show over the weekend at the con arrive on the interwebs within, like, a day. So instead of running descriptions from people, I'm going to wait to run the actual clips. It's kind of like waiting to actually kiss a girl to see how you like it instead of asking someone who kissed her to describe it. This is good advice I'm giving. I should charge more.

Okay, here are some things I learned secondhand from the con:

1.) It's really, truly happening - Give this much to Marvel: For all the douchey contracts, the trail of bad blood being generated behind the scenes, and the general mayhem that seems to surround the making of some projects, they are a scant few months away from giving the world the greatest superhero team ever. I just got the piss jitters, I'm so excited. Folks, this weekend, somewhere in San Diego, for the first time ever...the Avengers assembled.
From left to right, you've got Mr. Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.), Shield Agent Coulson (Clark Gregg), The Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson), Thor (Chris Hemsworth), Captain America (Chris Evans), Nick Fury (Samuel L Jackson), Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner), and Hulk/Bruce Banner (Mark Ruffalo). Standing next to them is director Joss Whedon and producer Kevin Feige. I know that there's a chance this could suck, I do. But if somehow this thing collapses on itself, it will be as a dying star going supernova and not for lack of casting. This is happening. This is actually going to take place. Can't. Breathe. Everything we've seen before in terms of blockbuster superhero movies should be blown into itty bitty pieces. No pressure.

2.) But wait, there's more - Marvel had one more little gift for nerdlings at its bash: It was this.
If you're a nerd, you already know what that is, and it is not the Ultimate version of Michael Jackson's glove. That's the Infinity Gauntlet, and it's going to be a part of this whole Avengers/Thor/Captain America madness. I think it's safe to say this could be the thread that pulls things together. If you consider that the Red Skull (Cap's hetero-hate-mate) was trying to get the all-powerful Cosmic Cube in various versions of the script for that film, and if you conjecture that Loki (Thor's brother, fight partner, snappy dresser) wants to own said Cube and Infinity Gauntlet for total cosmic domination, I'm guessing you would need the Avengers to stop that ("Thor, you smash Loki's grasp! Iron Man, shoot repulsor rays into his chest. Black Widow, um, unzip a little more."). Although, I do wish that they would make Hulk the villain the first time out, which I suppose they still could in the first half of the film (oh, wishful thinking). The beauty of this all is that there is exactly one new character they'll have to introduce in The Avengers, and that's Hawkeye, whose backstory is that he shoots real good. This means you can do something like have them all show up to fight the Hulk without having to tell us who everybody is, and that could be a compelling way to start this all off. God, I cannot wait for this movie. Please don't screw it up. Pretty please with Johansson on top?

3.) Walk this way - Like I said, as the clips from the con go live on the world wide webbies, I'm going to post them. I just won't post Skippy McDoodle's remembrance of them. So here's the first one that broke from the pack and showed up online.



I'm a fan of the comic and a fan of zombies (in fiction, in real-life I don't think I'd like them much), so I'm uber pumped for this one. It looks pretty much like the comic come to life, which is a compliment mostly. I do hope it brings something new to the table, but I will settle for a well-served dish of brains.

4.) Let the right Scott in? - The Playlist is reporting that Fox is choosing between Matt Reeves (Cloverfield, Let Me In) and Tony Scott (every Denzel Washington movie ever) to direct Wolverine 2. The script is by Christopher McQuarrie, who wrote the usual suspects, which should make me happy. It doesn't. Why? Gee, I don't know, did you see the last Wolverine? Fox will bork this in some seemingly unborkable way, mark my words. I kind of hope it's Reeves, given what I've heard about Let Me In and how much I liked Cloverfield, but he's so young they'll probably run roughshod over him in the editing bay. The flip side is that Scott has a definable style that he'd bring to the flick. That style is called camera-induced nausea. I can't decide which is the best way to go, or if this rumor is even true. What I do know is that somehow we're going to get a Wolverine 2. I really thought we were better than this.

Okay, more posts of video from the con as it goes up, y'all. Happy Monday to ya.

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Ryan's Junk Drawer

You know, when you don't get a day off for something like 18 days, they all just kind of blend into one big long day. What I'm trying to say is, I no longer know if this is a NEW Thursday or the same Thursday I just finished. Who's to say? What matters is not the uniqueness of this day, what matters is that it is the day upon which I give the world my junk. Obviously, by junk I mean tiny nuggets of movie news that don't warrant a full blog post, but I will admit that the word was carefully chosen so as to evoke the most titillating responses. I was going to go with Ryan's Juicy Nuggets or Ryan's Tender Tidbits, but those didn't sound nearly as suggestive as me being able to make junk jokes. As is our special tradition, we also begin by looking at an item contained within the creepy-ass junk drawer illustration above (from Highlights Magazine...FOR CHILDREN) and making up a totally whacked-out back story about it. Today's item is the green and red object in the lower right corner. Zacharias was never the most observant guy, but even he would feel foolish later when he realized that alien life had been living in his junk drawer for the past 17 years. He had wondered aloud quite often why the drawer seemed to squeal "Gleepglorp" every time he pulled it open to hunt for a battery but had never taken the time to notice the sole remaining survivor of the planet Spleckton's destruction cowering in the corner. Oh well, intergalactic life isn't as important as finding the Duracel that can power up the remote.

Now, on to this week's juicy nuggets...er, tender tidbits...er, EVERYBODY LOOK AT MY JUNK.

1.) I will diligently cover EVERY Rachel McAdams story...EVERY ONE EVER: Although he experienced a little surge recently (that sounds dirtier than I meant it to), I don't really have a deep abiding love for the recent Woody Allen. Oh, he got Scarlett Johansson to roll around semi-nude, which I appreciate (and, fine, the movie was pretty damn good too), but for the most part he just keeps making movies like a mediocre movie machine. Also, it is increasingly apparent that there's some kind of celebrity game that you can't win without appearing in an Allen film (my theory: Allen is the center square in celebrity career bingo). Case in point, THR is reporting that Rachel McAdams is joining the cast of Woody Allen's latest, which already features Owen Wilson and Marion Cotillard. You know, because you've been waiting to see Wilson and Cotillard share the screen since...never. So on the one hand, this news gives me the excuse to do this:
On the other hand, we're talking about Owen Wilson opposite two incredibly talented, lovely ladies. How does this keep happening? Damn you, Wilson. Damn you to hell. The Allen film is untitled at this point so it's being called "Untitled Woody Allen Project" and not "Untitled Ryan Syrek Project" like I asked. It is described as a romantic drama, as opposed to the Woody Allen written and directed torture horror movie or sci-fi action project you expected. Plan on a lot of talking and neuroses. Woody Allen: Making movies that college students think rule for 40 years.

2.) Wolverine 2 is happening. Gird your loins: There's no easy way to say this, but they've finished the X-Men Origins: Wolverine 2 script and they're going to start filming in January. Hopefully, they realize that they don't need the "X-Men Origins" part. Actually, what the hell am I saying, if I'm hoping, I'm hoping that they realize they don't need to make this movie at all. Hugh Jackman as Wolverine was AWESOME in X-Men 2. As for the other movies, Hugh Jackman as Wolverine was AWESOME in X-Men 2. I'm over it. We're all over it. I don't advocate starting over with some kind of reboot, but Wolvie works better with others in my opinion and this current film, which will rape the memory of the Frank Miller-penned "Wolverine as a ninja" storyline, is poised to either shoe-horn in mutants who don't belong (a la the brutal, brutal use of Gambit and Deadpool in the last Wolvie movie) or leave just Wolverine and a bunch of ninjas. Now, that last one sounds cool, but this is a FOX project, which means the writers are likely to get notes like "can these ninjas be less ninja-y? Can they not wear masks or use swords? What if the ninjas were actually all vampires? Sexy teen vampires?!" Nobody is excited for Wolverine 2. You would think that would stop a studio from spending $150 million dollars, but it won't.

3.) Hurt Locker producer put in the...well, that's just too easy: The Oscars are this weekend, and I'm excited as shit. I downloaded not one but TWO apps on my iTouch to make predictions and do other totally nerdy things. I love it unabashedly because I realize that (A) this is not about honoring the actual best film of the year, something that's impossible to do because me and my best friend can't agree on what that movie is so why we blame the Oscars for not getting it right is beyond me and (B) I like guessing who will win and watching people have emotional moments on stage. It's kind of a thing for me. Anyway, one person who will not be watching in person is Nicholas Chartier, because his ass got tossed out of the ceremony like the drunk girl dancin' on tables with her booby out gets tossed out of an Applebees. See, Chartier sent emails begging for votes, which is okay, but specified he wanted people to vote for The Hurt Locker and not "a $500 million" movie, which was obviously targeting Avatar. Now, as Nikki "Douchie Douchie" Finke points out, a TON of people do this. Chartier just got caught. He was turned in, likely by one of the people FROM his film, because apparently he caused some tension on the set. Whatever. I think this sucks. You let people spend millions taking out ads that say VOTE FOR ME but a guy sends an email and he gets kicked out? Maybe if he offered a blowie to people who voted for him, but not for asking for votes. Stupid. Combine this with the sudden and surprising bad press for the film (military people saying it "isn't realistic" and someone threatening to sue because the film was based on them) that just HAPPENED to come out right when votes were due, and you get me staring at Harvey Weinstein. I know popular theory is that James Cameron and his Avatar posse are the likely conspirators trying to bring down the front runners in order to win, but that's not true. I honestly believe that an egomaniac like Cameron both thinks (A) he's above the award and (B) that he's probably going to win already. Hell, he was the one saying "go ahead and give the director trophy to Katherine" like HE gets to decide it. No, the real person behind this is OBVIOUSLY Weinstein, who has waged campaigns like this before. His thought is that if The Hurt Locker is taken down a peg and people think Avatar is behind it that Inglourious Basterds may squeeze through. This sounds crazy, but I'm pretty sure I'm right. See, the Oscars are crazy fun, right?

4.) Tim Burton branches out!: Ha! Wouldn't that be hilarious?! Wouldn't it be great if he actually DID branch out? Like, he adapted a courtroom drama or a sci-fi movie or something? No, he's not going to do anything like that. He and Timur Bekmambetov are going to team up to adapt Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, which is so boringly appropriate for Burton that I can't stand it. He's going to cast Johnny Depp as Lincoln, you just know it, and despite the book sounding like a bit of wacky fun (it is by the peeps behind "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies" and follows the idea that Lincoln was...well, seriously, it's right there in the title), the movie is going to be the same old boring retread we've seen again and again and again from Burton. I would go on, but this video says everything I would say far funnier than I would say it.



5.) Trailers, parked: A few new ones this week, but nothing too exciting. First up is the next Disney flick, which combines classic and CGI animation to hit up a princess story I can't believe hasn't already been covered. Rapunzel is going to get her big-screen showcase, finally, and I can't help thinking this is going to pale in comparison to the lively, fun, and inspiring Princess and the Frog, which I fully intend on owning. This first clip is just that, a tiny clip, but it gives a little about the movie's feel and you get to hear some voice acting, which is fine. Enjoy!

Tangled


The second movie looks a little more inspired. Despite starring people that I didn't think were making movies anymore for various reasons, The Jonses looks like it may have a little sass in the tank. Clever concept, interesting trailer, and some low-budget appeal has me thinking that I may actually be somewhat excited to check this out. I'm just as surprised as you are.

The Jonses


Okay, that's it for my junk this week. Stare good and hard at it. We'll be back tomorrow for a rousing end of the week hoopla!